How do we proceed with family problems?
September 4, 2010 5:42 PM
need help with child custody/unfit parent/cps issue (see more)
I posted previously about sibling and sibling's spouse here:
http://ask.metafilter.com/81502/Is-living-in-a-dirty-house-bad-for-children
So, the tl;dr of that is that sibling developed a hoarding disorder. She has three children who are otherwise well cared for, and I was unsure of if/how to intervene.
Since then, despite a few half-hearted attempts to clean up things have worsened. Sibling and spouse began to ask other family members for money. Sibling's children still seemed happy and loved but began to get concerned about their parents. Sibling's spouse developed a suspected prescription medication addiction. One day sibling's kids call and say they have no food to eat in the house. Sibling weeps and says she didn't have grocery money but insists otherwise all things are well.
My family deliberates and decides to give ultimatum - clean up house, get act together, or CPS will be called. Before that, though, sibling's spouse makes suicide attempt, and another one immediately after. Sibling is confronted and admits that there is great trouble indeed. Spouse hasn't been working in over a year. There is a pile of debt and debt collection harassment. Rent hasn't been paid. Cars get repossessed. Eviction and homelessness forthcoming.
After our shock settles down, my parents, other sibling and I (family) pitches together and buys sibling, spouse and children a mobile home (none of us want them living with us.) Spouse seems delusional about the whole thing. Does nothing to help cleaning up the house or moving. Mail hasn't been opened in months. There is an insect infestation. I spend more time with kids who finally admit they are unhappy and frightened. Sibling is told to divorce useless spouse, refuses.
Family deliberates again. My parents get power of attorney over sibling and spouse's financial matters. Bankruptcy forthcoming. Spouse is behaving erratically -- doesn't hit or verbally abuse children, is just often on very out of it because of high doses of prescription narcotics; can't be left alone with children. We threw him a life raft but he seems disinterested is his own well being and that of children. Mental health issues which have simmered in past are now prominent.
It's time to decide how to proceed with children. They do not want to live with sibling and spouse anymore. We do NOT want kids in foster care!!! We want to take them but unsure of legalities.
Note: KIDS ARE OK - they are never left home alone with spouse and have food, clothes, safety, clean home, etc. Spouse is not abusive, just neglectful.
I need resources: what type of lawyer do we get? Where can I find information the criteria for parental fitness? Most of the stuff I can find is about child custody in divorce or cases of abuse.
I posted previously about sibling and sibling's spouse here:
http://ask.metafilter.com/81502/Is-living-in-a-dirty-house-bad-for-children
So, the tl;dr of that is that sibling developed a hoarding disorder. She has three children who are otherwise well cared for, and I was unsure of if/how to intervene.
Since then, despite a few half-hearted attempts to clean up things have worsened. Sibling and spouse began to ask other family members for money. Sibling's children still seemed happy and loved but began to get concerned about their parents. Sibling's spouse developed a suspected prescription medication addiction. One day sibling's kids call and say they have no food to eat in the house. Sibling weeps and says she didn't have grocery money but insists otherwise all things are well.
My family deliberates and decides to give ultimatum - clean up house, get act together, or CPS will be called. Before that, though, sibling's spouse makes suicide attempt, and another one immediately after. Sibling is confronted and admits that there is great trouble indeed. Spouse hasn't been working in over a year. There is a pile of debt and debt collection harassment. Rent hasn't been paid. Cars get repossessed. Eviction and homelessness forthcoming.
After our shock settles down, my parents, other sibling and I (family) pitches together and buys sibling, spouse and children a mobile home (none of us want them living with us.) Spouse seems delusional about the whole thing. Does nothing to help cleaning up the house or moving. Mail hasn't been opened in months. There is an insect infestation. I spend more time with kids who finally admit they are unhappy and frightened. Sibling is told to divorce useless spouse, refuses.
Family deliberates again. My parents get power of attorney over sibling and spouse's financial matters. Bankruptcy forthcoming. Spouse is behaving erratically -- doesn't hit or verbally abuse children, is just often on very out of it because of high doses of prescription narcotics; can't be left alone with children. We threw him a life raft but he seems disinterested is his own well being and that of children. Mental health issues which have simmered in past are now prominent.
It's time to decide how to proceed with children. They do not want to live with sibling and spouse anymore. We do NOT want kids in foster care!!! We want to take them but unsure of legalities.
Note: KIDS ARE OK - they are never left home alone with spouse and have food, clothes, safety, clean home, etc. Spouse is not abusive, just neglectful.
I need resources: what type of lawyer do we get? Where can I find information the criteria for parental fitness? Most of the stuff I can find is about child custody in divorce or cases of abuse.
*when I say your family may need their own lawyers, I mean your other family members besides your sibling and his/her spouse.
posted by elpea at 5:59 PM on September 4, 2010
posted by elpea at 5:59 PM on September 4, 2010
You need a lawyer, the kids need a guardian ad litem. Start by getting a lawyer for yourself; they can walk you through the rest of it.
Most states are increasing family placements, but as an FYI, the kids may spend a while in foster care while investigations are done.
posted by SMPA at 7:24 PM on September 4, 2010
Most states are increasing family placements, but as an FYI, the kids may spend a while in foster care while investigations are done.
posted by SMPA at 7:24 PM on September 4, 2010
2nding family lawyer -- depending on your state, there are a few different ways you can go about this with different long term results, and with different levels of involvement with social services.
I can say that in general, if there is family who is able to take care of the children when family can't, social services will not be interested in a placement with strangers.
IANYL, TINLA
posted by freshwater at 7:27 PM on September 4, 2010
I can say that in general, if there is family who is able to take care of the children when family can't, social services will not be interested in a placement with strangers.
IANYL, TINLA
posted by freshwater at 7:27 PM on September 4, 2010
Start by having the kids spend extended periods of time with you (i.e. overnight/weekend visits rather then just a few hours here and there). This will A) show the court that you are genuinely potential full-time caregivers rather than "babysitters," B) let the kids get acclimated to your way of life and how your household works. I would find it exceedingly weird if, after the kids have had a few "sleepovers" with your household and are content there, a court would put them with strangers. Basically, what you want to do is make your house as "familiar" as possible so that the transition becomes a natural one. IANAL, and you will, of course, need one. But I think it can only help if you start to do these things for/with the kids BEFORE a lawyer tells you to.
posted by deep thought sunstar at 1:50 AM on September 5, 2010
posted by deep thought sunstar at 1:50 AM on September 5, 2010
Writing as a child welfare professional here: I can only speak to how my state works, but they're all similar. I, too, advise getting a good family lawyer. In the meantime, you can seek "emergency" custody which means that you (will likely) get immediate custody of the children with a hearing/conference in a few days. You can do this w/out a lawyer-- go to your court administrator's office. You will need to document the reasons why the children should no longer be in the care of their parents. The reasons should be concise: drug abuse, imminent homelessness, unsanitary/unsafe living conditions, serious (un-addressed) mental illness, children's desire to live in a more stable living environment.
The court will likely grant you (or whoever seeks custody) custody immediately, but the hearing/conference will be trickier (but probably not terribly tricky-- your concerns are legitimate and most courts--in my experience-- will seriously consider your request). Be ready with an attorney at that point. I highly recommend going this route because it gets the ball rolling very quickly and there is no need to get CPS involved if there are willing and fit adult relatives to care for the kids. CPS involvement is long and doesn't guarantee that relatives will be placement options (usually that's the case, but sometimes not).
Good luck. This is a heart-wrenching situation, I'm sure, but these kids are incredibly lucky to have family who will step up.
posted by Poeia8Kate at 4:51 AM on September 5, 2010
The court will likely grant you (or whoever seeks custody) custody immediately, but the hearing/conference will be trickier (but probably not terribly tricky-- your concerns are legitimate and most courts--in my experience-- will seriously consider your request). Be ready with an attorney at that point. I highly recommend going this route because it gets the ball rolling very quickly and there is no need to get CPS involved if there are willing and fit adult relatives to care for the kids. CPS involvement is long and doesn't guarantee that relatives will be placement options (usually that's the case, but sometimes not).
Good luck. This is a heart-wrenching situation, I'm sure, but these kids are incredibly lucky to have family who will step up.
posted by Poeia8Kate at 4:51 AM on September 5, 2010
Thanks so much to all the responses. Am passing information on to family; finding appropriate family lawyer is next step.
posted by red_lotus at 12:20 PM on September 5, 2010
posted by red_lotus at 12:20 PM on September 5, 2010
This thread is closed to new comments.
posted by elpea at 5:58 PM on September 4, 2010