No, we will not relax.
July 1, 2010 11:31 AM Subscribe
Previously. We have been dating for a total of two and a half months. He dropped the L-word after six weeks. Last night he saw a picture of an ex I had framed in my room and flipped his shit.
The picture is of my ex turned close friend. The ex and I dated for two years (three years ago) and during that time found out that we made a hilariously bad couple but really, really good friends. He is one of my favorite people on earth. We aren't besties. We e-mail each other every so often and get together for lunch every few months. There are no lingering romantic feelings whatsoever.
I've mentioned the ex before in casual conversation and the extent of our relationship is known to New Guy. He's never mentioned having any problem with it and I assumed it was not A Thing. Last night he was over my place and saw the picture on a bookshelf next to my bed (it's not at eye-level, it's on a high shelf next to an empty frame, a Slutcracker poster, and a picture of a cat I used to have). He asked about it, I told him who it was, and then after he left he sent a flurry of dire and dramatic texts accusing me of still being in love with the ex, calling the existence of the picture itself creepy, calling me weird for having it, and saying that he'd made a 'huge mistake' and that he felt creeped out and foolish for feeling the way he did about me and for "jumping into things so fast." I'm having trouble not seeing this as a brief and horrifying glimpse of the future.
I am not in love with New Guy but I'm getting there. I am very, very fond of him. I do not like this. I found his reaction shocking and his questioning of his feelings for me over this picture incredibly hurtful. I realize that being friends with an the ex (and having a picture of them displayed) is out of the ordinary and something that anyone I'm seeing is going to want explained. I have no problem explaining it. I was expecting to have to reassure him. I was not expecting high drama. The intensity of his reaction has left me wondering if this is a clear sign that I should break things off and also how the hell I should do that.
So many questions! I'm not sure what I want to do or what I should do. Am I over-reacting? Is his reaction understandable? If I'm not overreacting and if this a huge, clear red flag: ohgod how the hell do I break it off? This is a 9 week old relationship where a "this isn't working, let's be friends?" coffee date seems inappropriate and dismissive. If it's only a little red flag, how do we get beyond this? He apologized for overreacting this morning (in a text message) but said the picture still bothers him. Metafilter, you are awesome, please help me be less stressed out by this.
The picture is of my ex turned close friend. The ex and I dated for two years (three years ago) and during that time found out that we made a hilariously bad couple but really, really good friends. He is one of my favorite people on earth. We aren't besties. We e-mail each other every so often and get together for lunch every few months. There are no lingering romantic feelings whatsoever.
I've mentioned the ex before in casual conversation and the extent of our relationship is known to New Guy. He's never mentioned having any problem with it and I assumed it was not A Thing. Last night he was over my place and saw the picture on a bookshelf next to my bed (it's not at eye-level, it's on a high shelf next to an empty frame, a Slutcracker poster, and a picture of a cat I used to have). He asked about it, I told him who it was, and then after he left he sent a flurry of dire and dramatic texts accusing me of still being in love with the ex, calling the existence of the picture itself creepy, calling me weird for having it, and saying that he'd made a 'huge mistake' and that he felt creeped out and foolish for feeling the way he did about me and for "jumping into things so fast." I'm having trouble not seeing this as a brief and horrifying glimpse of the future.
I am not in love with New Guy but I'm getting there. I am very, very fond of him. I do not like this. I found his reaction shocking and his questioning of his feelings for me over this picture incredibly hurtful. I realize that being friends with an the ex (and having a picture of them displayed) is out of the ordinary and something that anyone I'm seeing is going to want explained. I have no problem explaining it. I was expecting to have to reassure him. I was not expecting high drama. The intensity of his reaction has left me wondering if this is a clear sign that I should break things off and also how the hell I should do that.
So many questions! I'm not sure what I want to do or what I should do. Am I over-reacting? Is his reaction understandable? If I'm not overreacting and if this a huge, clear red flag: ohgod how the hell do I break it off? This is a 9 week old relationship where a "this isn't working, let's be friends?" coffee date seems inappropriate and dismissive. If it's only a little red flag, how do we get beyond this? He apologized for overreacting this morning (in a text message) but said the picture still bothers him. Metafilter, you are awesome, please help me be less stressed out by this.
Being friends with your ex is good and normal. Having his framed picture by your bed is pretty weird. His reaction is completely understandable, especially in combination with how it appears that he loves you, wants a serious relationship, etc., whereas you say yourself that you don't love him.
posted by Sticherbeast at 11:36 AM on July 1, 2010 [6 favorites]
posted by Sticherbeast at 11:36 AM on July 1, 2010 [6 favorites]
His reaction was not acceptable. Your inclination that this portends bad things is correct....
I would not pursue this relationship....unless, of course, this kind of drama doesn't bother you...
posted by HuronBob at 11:36 AM on July 1, 2010 [20 favorites]
I would not pursue this relationship....unless, of course, this kind of drama doesn't bother you...
posted by HuronBob at 11:36 AM on July 1, 2010 [20 favorites]
This would be a big red flag for me.
posted by Blue Jello Elf at 11:37 AM on July 1, 2010 [5 favorites]
posted by Blue Jello Elf at 11:37 AM on July 1, 2010 [5 favorites]
I think honestly you need to let this one go. It's pretty clear he'll micro-manage your life with jealousy, insults and guilt, and if you cross him once you're "formal" will almost certainly be verbally abusive and who knows what else. Your unvoiced suspicions are right on: time to say goodbye. And cut him off sharp, or he'll keep trying.
posted by seanmpuckett at 11:38 AM on July 1, 2010 [4 favorites]
posted by seanmpuckett at 11:38 AM on July 1, 2010 [4 favorites]
Best answer: Oh my gosh! Do I get to say it first!? DTMFA!
I have been in a similar situation, and I would have been so much better off if right off the bat I had said, "dude, either your insanity ends now or we do." If you have been uncomfortable enough in the first two months of the relationship to warrant two AskMes, then you've got to ask yourself why are you still wasting your time?
posted by phunniemee at 11:38 AM on July 1, 2010 [22 favorites]
I have been in a similar situation, and I would have been so much better off if right off the bat I had said, "dude, either your insanity ends now or we do." If you have been uncomfortable enough in the first two months of the relationship to warrant two AskMes, then you've got to ask yourself why are you still wasting your time?
posted by phunniemee at 11:38 AM on July 1, 2010 [22 favorites]
This is the kind of thing people were thinking of when they advised you in the last question to be on the lookout for too-fast, intimacy-forcing behavior. I would sit down and have a serious discussion with him, one last, stern, "Seriously, dude, this shit ends now". But honestly, I think it's probably over- a guy who is too quick to fall in love will usually find a way to fall out of it.
posted by ThePinkSuperhero at 11:40 AM on July 1, 2010 [13 favorites]
posted by ThePinkSuperhero at 11:40 AM on July 1, 2010 [13 favorites]
"this isn't working, let's be friends?"
Combined with the rushing into the relationship, jealousy is a big red flag IMO.
posted by desjardins at 11:40 AM on July 1, 2010 [2 favorites]
Combined with the rushing into the relationship, jealousy is a big red flag IMO.
posted by desjardins at 11:40 AM on July 1, 2010 [2 favorites]
While I agree that maybe this relationship warrants close examination on your part, I think the photo would give me odd vibes as well, if it were by itself with no photos of your other friends anywhere in sight. Was that the case? I understand that you're fantastic friends now and nothing more, and I agree that this new guy's reaction was really over-the-top, but I think the fact that you two dated in the past and there's this photo now standing by itself would make me ask myself questions.
Of course some people wouldn't be bothered by it at all, but some will - and they don't have to be crazy/jealous/insecure to feel weird about it.
posted by Tequila Mockingbird at 11:43 AM on July 1, 2010 [2 favorites]
Of course some people wouldn't be bothered by it at all, but some will - and they don't have to be crazy/jealous/insecure to feel weird about it.
posted by Tequila Mockingbird at 11:43 AM on July 1, 2010 [2 favorites]
Aw, honey... this may, in fact, be a warning bell. The beginning of a relationship is often as GOOD AS IT GETS when it comes to the other party suppressing their awful qualities. You guys probably haven't even farted in front of one another yet - you're still both on your BEST behavior. The fact that a jealous, insecure freak-out is the BEST he can muster... it doesn't flatter him. Perhaps he's just nervous and worried about losing you. Or perhaps in another year, you'll face fighting and sulking and accusations every time you want to go out to eat with friends. At the very least, this merits a "come to Jesus" talk with Mr. New Guy: "Let us outline this situation, make sure we're on the same page, and come to a mutual understanding of how much jealousy I'm willing to endure and how much YOU plan on dishing out."
I personally don't think it's "out of the ordinary" to maintain relationships with exes and to NOT purge every trace of them from the earth. It's positively grown-up. :-)
posted by julthumbscrew at 11:44 AM on July 1, 2010 [12 favorites]
I personally don't think it's "out of the ordinary" to maintain relationships with exes and to NOT purge every trace of them from the earth. It's positively grown-up. :-)
posted by julthumbscrew at 11:44 AM on July 1, 2010 [12 favorites]
Maybe I'm a little bit prone to overreacting myself, but I do not think him being upset about the picture being displayed in your room in a semi-prominent place is that unreasonable. I think he might of articulated himself poorly (the multiple texts and freak outs are a little over the top), but I do think it's okay for him to ask you to take down the picture, just as it's okay for you to say no. If this picture is going to be something that gnaws at him (and it would me, honestly), you have to decide if taking down the picture is a deal breaker for you because it sounds like keeping it up would be a deal breaker for him.
Everyone has different expectations of what is okay or not okay in relationships, and I think making the other person feel crazy for having their own expectations is no good. I would call his temper a red flag, but him being upset about the picture? Totally reasonable.
You just have to decide whether or not your ideas of respectful behavior in relationships align.
posted by superlibby at 11:45 AM on July 1, 2010 [2 favorites]
Everyone has different expectations of what is okay or not okay in relationships, and I think making the other person feel crazy for having their own expectations is no good. I would call his temper a red flag, but him being upset about the picture? Totally reasonable.
You just have to decide whether or not your ideas of respectful behavior in relationships align.
posted by superlibby at 11:45 AM on July 1, 2010 [2 favorites]
It's reasonable for you to have a picture of a friend you used to date. It's a little weird to display it in your bedroom, but so what.
It's also reasonable for him to be weirded out and maybe a little threatened by it. It would be reasonable for him to tell you so, and even for him to ask you to take it off display if he's going to be spending a lot of time in your room.
It is not, however, reasonable for him to send a flurry of dire and accusative texts because of this (or because of anything else, really). Unfortunately, the way that he deals with being weirded out and threatened is one of the things least likely to change with time or practice.
You might want to take the picture off display anyways (or at least move it to some other room), to avoid drama (hopefully much more minor drama) with other guys in the future. But in this particular instance, I would strongly consider bailing and be thankful that you saw this portion of his personality so early.
posted by 256 at 11:46 AM on July 1, 2010 [1 favorite]
It's also reasonable for him to be weirded out and maybe a little threatened by it. It would be reasonable for him to tell you so, and even for him to ask you to take it off display if he's going to be spending a lot of time in your room.
It is not, however, reasonable for him to send a flurry of dire and accusative texts because of this (or because of anything else, really). Unfortunately, the way that he deals with being weirded out and threatened is one of the things least likely to change with time or practice.
You might want to take the picture off display anyways (or at least move it to some other room), to avoid drama (hopefully much more minor drama) with other guys in the future. But in this particular instance, I would strongly consider bailing and be thankful that you saw this portion of his personality so early.
posted by 256 at 11:46 AM on July 1, 2010 [1 favorite]
ANY shit-flipping in the first quarter of a relationship should be grounds for dismissal. There are other, far more grown-up ways to communicate discomfort or request assistance understanding something confusing.
posted by Lyn Never at 11:46 AM on July 1, 2010 [8 favorites]
posted by Lyn Never at 11:46 AM on July 1, 2010 [8 favorites]
he felt creeped out and foolish for feeling the way he did about me and for "jumping into things so fast."
Sounds like he's learning the hard way why people approach relationships a little more carefully.
It also doesn't sound like he has much emotional self-awareness, or much of a filter to keep him from blurting out things like "I LOVE YOU" or "YOU'RE WEIRD AND CREEPY." Which you should definitely note, going forward.
posted by hermitosis at 11:46 AM on July 1, 2010 [6 favorites]
Sounds like he's learning the hard way why people approach relationships a little more carefully.
It also doesn't sound like he has much emotional self-awareness, or much of a filter to keep him from blurting out things like "I LOVE YOU" or "YOU'RE WEIRD AND CREEPY." Which you should definitely note, going forward.
posted by hermitosis at 11:46 AM on July 1, 2010 [6 favorites]
Whatever you do, don't discuss relationship issues via texts.
posted by milarepa at 11:49 AM on July 1, 2010 [9 favorites]
posted by milarepa at 11:49 AM on July 1, 2010 [9 favorites]
So he's the kind of person who walks away from people if the relationship doesn't work out, and you're the kind of person who can maintain friendships platonically with people if the relationship doesn't work out. That's a pretty straightforward incompatibility, seems like.
Neither of you are bad people, you're just incompatible about this thing. It also suggests he's a lot less emotionally mature than you are, when it comes to relationships -- trouble with proportions and boundaries. So perhaps you should just tell him that you agree with him, that he jumped into things too fast, and now you'd like to cool it romantically until/unless you can reach common ground on this.
Good luck.
posted by davejay at 11:50 AM on July 1, 2010 [2 favorites]
Neither of you are bad people, you're just incompatible about this thing. It also suggests he's a lot less emotionally mature than you are, when it comes to relationships -- trouble with proportions and boundaries. So perhaps you should just tell him that you agree with him, that he jumped into things too fast, and now you'd like to cool it romantically until/unless you can reach common ground on this.
Good luck.
posted by davejay at 11:50 AM on July 1, 2010 [2 favorites]
Best answer: First of all, you are not overreacting, but he sure is. You are right to not like this and I imagine it'd be really difficult not to see this as a foreshadowing event. It is not cool that he called you weird for having a photo, it is not cool that he told you he basically regretted having feelings for you, and it's certainly not cool that he waited until after he left to launch a text message assault on you. I do wonder if his intense reaction has something to do with your prior post - your not reciprocating those three words immediately, and his possibly feeling rejected and insecure about things as a result, and seeing the framed photo of you and your ex in your room freaked him out and sent him over the edge. That could certainly explain it. But it doesn't make his reaction appropriate or fair...or attractive, amiright?
It is good that he apologized and it's understandable that the picture bothers him, but you need to talk about this together, openly, and not via text message. I would encourage you to tell him, honestly, that while you fully understand why he'd be bothered by it, his reaction was shocking and hurtful, and it shook your confidence about the success of this budding relationship.
Good luck and please let us know how it goes!
posted by blackcatcuriouser at 11:51 AM on July 1, 2010 [1 favorite]
It is good that he apologized and it's understandable that the picture bothers him, but you need to talk about this together, openly, and not via text message. I would encourage you to tell him, honestly, that while you fully understand why he'd be bothered by it, his reaction was shocking and hurtful, and it shook your confidence about the success of this budding relationship.
Good luck and please let us know how it goes!
posted by blackcatcuriouser at 11:51 AM on July 1, 2010 [1 favorite]
Big red flag to me for many reasons:
-Lashing out at you in a cruel way: calling you weird, the relationship a huge mistake, and saying he was creeped out
-Total lack of trust in the relationship and in you
-DRAAAAAAAAAAAAAAMA
-Either a willingness to presume the worst even after you explained, which I guess means he thought you were lying, OR unwillingness to believe that this guy was not a threat to him (which goes to jealously issues, lack of trust, and desire to control)
Break up with him in a public place. I predict a scene, followed by really hurtful texts/emails, and then lots of begging. Don't listen to any of it.
posted by sallybrown at 11:51 AM on July 1, 2010 [11 favorites]
-Lashing out at you in a cruel way: calling you weird, the relationship a huge mistake, and saying he was creeped out
-Total lack of trust in the relationship and in you
-DRAAAAAAAAAAAAAAMA
-Either a willingness to presume the worst even after you explained, which I guess means he thought you were lying, OR unwillingness to believe that this guy was not a threat to him (which goes to jealously issues, lack of trust, and desire to control)
Break up with him in a public place. I predict a scene, followed by really hurtful texts/emails, and then lots of begging. Don't listen to any of it.
posted by sallybrown at 11:51 AM on July 1, 2010 [11 favorites]
He may have overreacted. He's already admitted he overreacted. But there's a big gap between an overreaction and a "red flag" or "not acceptable" behavior (as one commenter said). I don't think his reaction was unacceptable.
I do understand that your former relationship didn't work out (of course it didn't -- that's why it's a former relationship) and that you're now just close friends.
But the fact is: you still have a framed photo of him in your bedroom.
I have photos of some of my exes on Flickr and Facebook. I still have some gifts from exes and I don't mind the association. I don't think I'm overly sentimental about these kinds of things. But I were in a new relationship and for some reason had a framed photo of an ex-girlfriend in my bedroom (which I would never do because it would be inappropriate), I would completely understand if my girlfriend were creeped out by it. And I'd abide her request if she wanted it taken down immediately. (You have taken it down, right?)
He was taken aback, and understandably so. For him to say he might be jumping into things too quickly isn't so horribly off-base considering there's already this issue of him being the only to say I-love-you.
One thing I want to be totally clear about: the issue of whether it's OK, in general, to stay close friends with an ex-boyfriend is a red herring. You're getting some divided answers, but I don't think any of us are saying you're somehow not allowed to stay friends with an ex. The issue is the photo itself.
posted by Jaltcoh at 11:52 AM on July 1, 2010 [7 favorites]
I do understand that your former relationship didn't work out (of course it didn't -- that's why it's a former relationship) and that you're now just close friends.
But the fact is: you still have a framed photo of him in your bedroom.
I have photos of some of my exes on Flickr and Facebook. I still have some gifts from exes and I don't mind the association. I don't think I'm overly sentimental about these kinds of things. But I were in a new relationship and for some reason had a framed photo of an ex-girlfriend in my bedroom (which I would never do because it would be inappropriate), I would completely understand if my girlfriend were creeped out by it. And I'd abide her request if she wanted it taken down immediately. (You have taken it down, right?)
He was taken aback, and understandably so. For him to say he might be jumping into things too quickly isn't so horribly off-base considering there's already this issue of him being the only to say I-love-you.
One thing I want to be totally clear about: the issue of whether it's OK, in general, to stay close friends with an ex-boyfriend is a red herring. You're getting some divided answers, but I don't think any of us are saying you're somehow not allowed to stay friends with an ex. The issue is the photo itself.
posted by Jaltcoh at 11:52 AM on July 1, 2010 [7 favorites]
His reaction was weird and way over the top. I don't think it's weird to have pictures of exes-turned-friends in your living space (both my partner and I have photos like this in our flat). I think you should find a calm and quiet place and time to talk to him about this, because if he's going to wig over a photo of someone you dated three years ago, what's his reaction going to be if you go to lunch with a male co-worker? Have coffee with this (or any other) ex with whom you're on friendly terms?
posted by rtha at 11:52 AM on July 1, 2010 [1 favorite]
posted by rtha at 11:52 AM on July 1, 2010 [1 favorite]
I don't see any huge red flags, maybe just small orange ones.
Husband didn't want me to hang old prom pictures even though he'd actually been roommates with the guy who'd been my boyfriend and prom date. My husband knew there were no feelings there other than friendship, it just made him feel weird to see me with another guy. The key here is that he didn't throw a fit, he just told me it made him uncomfortable and asked that I not hang them up. (This was when we were first together, I don't know how he'd feel about it now.)
Is the picture just of your ex or are there other people in the picture? If it's a group shot I think he's overreacting. If it's a picture of the two of you I can totally see how that would upset your current bf. And if it's just a picture of the ex by himself then I think that it's weird that you'd have the picture at all (especially in your bedroom) so I can see how that would be really upsetting to the new guy.
I think maybe he could have communicated better about how upset he was, but it could just be that your relationship is so new that he didn't quite know how to go about it. I think this is more of a learning experience than a DTMFA situation. There is a lot of gray area here. Talk to him about it, come to a compromise, and then move on. (If the picture is a group shot, move it to the living room. Otherwise put it away completely.) If he starts to show other signs of being super jealous or maniacally possessive then it's time to drop him.
posted by TooFewShoes at 11:53 AM on July 1, 2010
Husband didn't want me to hang old prom pictures even though he'd actually been roommates with the guy who'd been my boyfriend and prom date. My husband knew there were no feelings there other than friendship, it just made him feel weird to see me with another guy. The key here is that he didn't throw a fit, he just told me it made him uncomfortable and asked that I not hang them up. (This was when we were first together, I don't know how he'd feel about it now.)
Is the picture just of your ex or are there other people in the picture? If it's a group shot I think he's overreacting. If it's a picture of the two of you I can totally see how that would upset your current bf. And if it's just a picture of the ex by himself then I think that it's weird that you'd have the picture at all (especially in your bedroom) so I can see how that would be really upsetting to the new guy.
I think maybe he could have communicated better about how upset he was, but it could just be that your relationship is so new that he didn't quite know how to go about it. I think this is more of a learning experience than a DTMFA situation. There is a lot of gray area here. Talk to him about it, come to a compromise, and then move on. (If the picture is a group shot, move it to the living room. Otherwise put it away completely.) If he starts to show other signs of being super jealous or maniacally possessive then it's time to drop him.
posted by TooFewShoes at 11:53 AM on July 1, 2010
what's his reaction going to be if you go to lunch with a male co-worker? Have coffee with this (or any other) ex with whom you're on friendly terms?
Actually, the question already says that the OP and her ex do have lunch (coffee) and her boyfriend knows about this and is OK with it, right?
posted by Jaltcoh at 11:54 AM on July 1, 2010
Actually, the question already says that the OP and her ex do have lunch (coffee) and her boyfriend knows about this and is OK with it, right?
posted by Jaltcoh at 11:54 AM on July 1, 2010
It's really weird that you have a picture of the guy in your bedroom. I'd give your new boyfriend a break here.
posted by roomthreeseventeen at 11:56 AM on July 1, 2010
posted by roomthreeseventeen at 11:56 AM on July 1, 2010
Best answer: after he left he sent a flurry of dire and dramatic texts accusing me of still being in love with the ex, calling the existence of the picture itself creepy, calling me weird for having it, and saying that he'd made a 'huge mistake' and that he felt creeped out and foolish for feeling the way he did about me and for "jumping into things so fast."
Sorry, but this relationship is over. Not because of the photo, your platonic feelings for the ex, your feelings for the new guy, or the new guy's feelings for you, which are all perfectly reasonable on different levels.
No, it's over because the new guy can't tell you any of this to your face.
He's sending texts?
This is a fundamentally immature person, unable to credibly maintain a significant relationship with you.
Meet him for coffee, break up with him gently and move on. You're done here.
posted by Cool Papa Bell at 11:57 AM on July 1, 2010 [17 favorites]
Sorry, but this relationship is over. Not because of the photo, your platonic feelings for the ex, your feelings for the new guy, or the new guy's feelings for you, which are all perfectly reasonable on different levels.
No, it's over because the new guy can't tell you any of this to your face.
He's sending texts?
This is a fundamentally immature person, unable to credibly maintain a significant relationship with you.
Meet him for coffee, break up with him gently and move on. You're done here.
posted by Cool Papa Bell at 11:57 AM on July 1, 2010 [17 favorites]
I really wish someone had told me how much of a red flag this kind of behavior is. That way, I could have left my ex-boyfriend when he first started flipping out with jealousy, and not after three years of trying to deal with behavior that never changed.
You deserve someone who can act like an adult regarding your relationships with other people.
posted by corey flood at 11:58 AM on July 1, 2010
You deserve someone who can act like an adult regarding your relationships with other people.
posted by corey flood at 11:58 AM on July 1, 2010
What you are seeing at two and half months is just the tip of the iceberg, in every regard.
I read your 'previously' link, and I got a feeling much similar to the one I get when I think of my most recent relationship. When someone tells you that they love you before it is situationally appropriate, and when someone is jealous over things they have no right to be jealous over, well, these things are sent to us as signs. I was too naive to listen to them, and that took over a year to end, in a way that was far more damaging for everyone.
Plainly put, my advice to you is to pull the plug. I can't help you out with the 'how', I can only tell you what happened to me cause I didn't.
posted by seagull.apollo at 11:59 AM on July 1, 2010 [1 favorite]
I read your 'previously' link, and I got a feeling much similar to the one I get when I think of my most recent relationship. When someone tells you that they love you before it is situationally appropriate, and when someone is jealous over things they have no right to be jealous over, well, these things are sent to us as signs. I was too naive to listen to them, and that took over a year to end, in a way that was far more damaging for everyone.
Plainly put, my advice to you is to pull the plug. I can't help you out with the 'how', I can only tell you what happened to me cause I didn't.
posted by seagull.apollo at 11:59 AM on July 1, 2010 [1 favorite]
You've been dating for 2.5 months and you've already come to the green for advice about it. I'm just sayin'.
Consider that maybe there's nothing wrong with either one of you, but maybe you are not a very good match for each other. It sounds like your desire to take it slow is causing him deep anxiety and it's making him act irrationally. This may continue unless one of you changes pretty fundamentally.
Some people get really intimate and close in relationships very quickly and it works out. Some people prefer to let intimacy build slowly, and perhaps never cross a certain line. I personally talk about exes in my life and I might keep a framed picture of someone around, and I would probably not date someone who was threatened by that because I think that some people just are uncomfortable with that level of presence of someone's past and that's just how it goes.
I don't think there's really a right or wrong way, but I think jump-in-with-both-feeters should probably stick together for maximum love and happiness, and vice versa for arms-lengthers-until-I'm-ready types. I think you will probably get a smattering of answers from different types (hence the "Your picture of your ex is weird" vs. "WTF DTMFA"). I don't think it's really helpful to judge the level of intimacy or loyalty some people desire, nor is it fair to judge how quickly they get to that level. You seem like you have your head on straight about how quickly you want to move. Don't let a bunch of opinionated strangers on the internet convince you that the amount of intimacy you desire, or your boyfriend desires, are right or wrong. That's just going to cause you and your boyfriend heartache and misery if you bring all of the internet's baggage into your discussion about it.
Either have a conversation about this level-of-intimacy mismatch, or break it off clean because of it, but really, for all parties concerned, try to keep it to that level instead of pointing fingers or calling anybody crazy. That's just mean and unhelpful.
posted by pazazygeek at 12:02 PM on July 1, 2010 [4 favorites]
Consider that maybe there's nothing wrong with either one of you, but maybe you are not a very good match for each other. It sounds like your desire to take it slow is causing him deep anxiety and it's making him act irrationally. This may continue unless one of you changes pretty fundamentally.
Some people get really intimate and close in relationships very quickly and it works out. Some people prefer to let intimacy build slowly, and perhaps never cross a certain line. I personally talk about exes in my life and I might keep a framed picture of someone around, and I would probably not date someone who was threatened by that because I think that some people just are uncomfortable with that level of presence of someone's past and that's just how it goes.
I don't think there's really a right or wrong way, but I think jump-in-with-both-feeters should probably stick together for maximum love and happiness, and vice versa for arms-lengthers-until-I'm-ready types. I think you will probably get a smattering of answers from different types (hence the "Your picture of your ex is weird" vs. "WTF DTMFA"). I don't think it's really helpful to judge the level of intimacy or loyalty some people desire, nor is it fair to judge how quickly they get to that level. You seem like you have your head on straight about how quickly you want to move. Don't let a bunch of opinionated strangers on the internet convince you that the amount of intimacy you desire, or your boyfriend desires, are right or wrong. That's just going to cause you and your boyfriend heartache and misery if you bring all of the internet's baggage into your discussion about it.
Either have a conversation about this level-of-intimacy mismatch, or break it off clean because of it, but really, for all parties concerned, try to keep it to that level instead of pointing fingers or calling anybody crazy. That's just mean and unhelpful.
posted by pazazygeek at 12:02 PM on July 1, 2010 [4 favorites]
Best answer: For everyone who thinks that the "photo of the ex" is weird: I had pictures of my platonic exes around my apartment when my boyfriend and I started dating. My boyfriend had pictures of his platonic exes (as well as the baby of the ex-girlfriend for whom he was the Lamaze coach, even though he wasn't the father), around his apartment when we started dating.
Far from seeing this as weird or upsetting or questionable, we mutually regarded this as a good sign: namely, that we are both people who deeply value our friendships with former flames, and that we both wanted to be in a relationship with someone who would instrinsically respect and understand that.
Tha Race Card, if you're looking for someone similar, then your boyfriend is showing you very clearly that he isn't that person.
posted by scody at 12:07 PM on July 1, 2010 [6 favorites]
Far from seeing this as weird or upsetting or questionable, we mutually regarded this as a good sign: namely, that we are both people who deeply value our friendships with former flames, and that we both wanted to be in a relationship with someone who would instrinsically respect and understand that.
Tha Race Card, if you're looking for someone similar, then your boyfriend is showing you very clearly that he isn't that person.
posted by scody at 12:07 PM on July 1, 2010 [6 favorites]
You've been dating for 2.5 months and you've already come to the green for advice about it. I'm just sayin'.
Sorry for the multi-commenting, but I'd just like to add: I agree that the fact that you've posted two relationshipfilter questions in the past 10 days, both of them describing his behavior as deeply bizarre and problematic, is a red flag. That might be a bigger red flag than him saying I love you two months into a relationship or him initially overreacting and later apologizing in response to the framed photo in your bedroom.
posted by Jaltcoh at 12:07 PM on July 1, 2010
Sorry for the multi-commenting, but I'd just like to add: I agree that the fact that you've posted two relationshipfilter questions in the past 10 days, both of them describing his behavior as deeply bizarre and problematic, is a red flag. That might be a bigger red flag than him saying I love you two months into a relationship or him initially overreacting and later apologizing in response to the framed photo in your bedroom.
posted by Jaltcoh at 12:07 PM on July 1, 2010
Seems to me it would be reasonable for him to say, "this photo makes me uncomfortable" but to characterize your choice to display a photo of your friend as weird and inappropriate and to accuse you of still having feelings for your ex is unreasonable. I'd cut my losses and find someone with the emotional maturity to express his feelings without attacking you.
posted by Meg_Murry at 12:08 PM on July 1, 2010
posted by Meg_Murry at 12:08 PM on July 1, 2010
You've been dating for 2.5 months and you've already come to the green for advice about it. I'm just sayin'.
Sorry for the multi-commenting, but I'd just like to add: I agree that the fact that you've posted two relationshipfilter questions in the past 10 days, both of them describing his behavior as deeply bizarre and problematic, is a red flag. That might be a bigger red flag than him saying I love you two months into a relationship or him initially overreacting and later apologizing in response to the framed photo in your bedroom.
Yeah, this. This whole shebang sounds over, and not necessarily because anyone is doing anything "wrong" per se. From how you've framed your questions, it sounds like this isn't going to work out.
posted by Sticherbeast at 12:11 PM on July 1, 2010 [1 favorite]
Sorry for the multi-commenting, but I'd just like to add: I agree that the fact that you've posted two relationshipfilter questions in the past 10 days, both of them describing his behavior as deeply bizarre and problematic, is a red flag. That might be a bigger red flag than him saying I love you two months into a relationship or him initially overreacting and later apologizing in response to the framed photo in your bedroom.
Yeah, this. This whole shebang sounds over, and not necessarily because anyone is doing anything "wrong" per se. From how you've framed your questions, it sounds like this isn't going to work out.
posted by Sticherbeast at 12:11 PM on July 1, 2010 [1 favorite]
Best answer: DUMP HIM.
If you don't, then have a sweet-black-baby-jesus-meeting-this-shit-has-to-stop. People are weird sometimes and a flipout like this is a warning sign. You need to decide how much of this flipping out you're going to tolerate and decide now and then articulate it to him.
posted by Brandon Blatcher at 12:13 PM on July 1, 2010
If you don't, then have a sweet-black-baby-jesus-meeting-this-shit-has-to-stop. People are weird sometimes and a flipout like this is a warning sign. You need to decide how much of this flipping out you're going to tolerate and decide now and then articulate it to him.
posted by Brandon Blatcher at 12:13 PM on July 1, 2010
There are some people who say "I love you" because saying anything else may not seem as genuine and there are others who do so expecting it to cement a structure for a relationship - the only kind of relationship they have been taught to trust as genuine. In the case of your current guy, I imagine he has does not trust the idea that a man and woman can be friends. Especially that this is a former partner, he can now allow himself to torture you and himself with this idea that your friendship will eventually be the downfall of his 'love' for you. The reality is that all you are doing by hanging this picture is unknowingly toying with a moral construct he has probably already wrestled with. He needs to let it go if he's going to get comfortable with the fact that good things - you staying with him - are worth waiting for.
I suggest that you invite everyone to dinner, but ask your friend to choose the place.
posted by parmanparman at 12:15 PM on July 1, 2010
I suggest that you invite everyone to dinner, but ask your friend to choose the place.
posted by parmanparman at 12:15 PM on July 1, 2010
Best answer: Honestly, the real drama queens are right here on MeFi - your current BF is insecure, in love with you, has used the L word while you're still not ready, and you have a photo in your bedroom, next to your bed, of an ex that you still see on a regular basis. He saw it, was weirded out, tried to contain himself and then left and sent a bunch of crazy, freaky texts and emails. His shit lost, and all that.
You are the sole arbiter of whether this feels too weird to continue, should be a red flag etc. But for me, this wouldn't be a cause to kick him (or her, if it were me) to the curb.
1. The suggestion by others that we're all on our best behaviour during the first few months and therefore this episode is an indicator of more heinous shit-loss in the future is a non-starter. You bf clearly wears his heart on his sleeve and is prone to extreme emotional moments.
2. By the same token, I have to point out how much I love the general double-standard at play between the advice here and that found all over the place: if only we could all just say what we feel and be open and communicate honestly. Here is a classic example of why that doesn't happen, because when we do, people infer a whole bunch of stuff that doesn't necessarily apply. But seriously, you'll never have to worry about this guy not letting you know how he feels - is that a good thing or a bad thing?
3. The dude acted out on what most of us just fantasise about doing (the freaking out). Unfortunately this is probably mainly due to the ease and speed of texts and emails etc. If he would have needed to call you probably could have cut him off at the pass.
I think you should cut him a break and, at least, give him a chance to apologise for over-reacting. He lost it, it wasn't cool, he's right about the photo but wrong about the delivery of the message.
On preview - yes, multiple postings here is not a good sign for this relationship. In defence of your bf, perhaps he's picking up that the relationship is doomed anyway and his insecurity has hit previously unknown levels.
Good luck.
posted by HopStopDon'tShop at 12:18 PM on July 1, 2010 [13 favorites]
You are the sole arbiter of whether this feels too weird to continue, should be a red flag etc. But for me, this wouldn't be a cause to kick him (or her, if it were me) to the curb.
1. The suggestion by others that we're all on our best behaviour during the first few months and therefore this episode is an indicator of more heinous shit-loss in the future is a non-starter. You bf clearly wears his heart on his sleeve and is prone to extreme emotional moments.
2. By the same token, I have to point out how much I love the general double-standard at play between the advice here and that found all over the place: if only we could all just say what we feel and be open and communicate honestly. Here is a classic example of why that doesn't happen, because when we do, people infer a whole bunch of stuff that doesn't necessarily apply. But seriously, you'll never have to worry about this guy not letting you know how he feels - is that a good thing or a bad thing?
3. The dude acted out on what most of us just fantasise about doing (the freaking out). Unfortunately this is probably mainly due to the ease and speed of texts and emails etc. If he would have needed to call you probably could have cut him off at the pass.
I think you should cut him a break and, at least, give him a chance to apologise for over-reacting. He lost it, it wasn't cool, he's right about the photo but wrong about the delivery of the message.
On preview - yes, multiple postings here is not a good sign for this relationship. In defence of your bf, perhaps he's picking up that the relationship is doomed anyway and his insecurity has hit previously unknown levels.
Good luck.
posted by HopStopDon'tShop at 12:18 PM on July 1, 2010 [13 favorites]
Whatever your feelings about jealousy and the appropriateness of the picture, he used some very, very bad methods to address his reaction, and it's a poor reflection on his relationship skills. If you want a partner who deals with his feels in a productive, adult way - the kind of way that seeks understanding and resolution in the fewest possible steps and with the minimum ancillary drama - you have just learned he doesn't always do that.
posted by itstheclamsname at 12:22 PM on July 1, 2010 [4 favorites]
posted by itstheclamsname at 12:22 PM on July 1, 2010 [4 favorites]
This whole shebang sounds over, and not necessarily because anyone is doing anything "wrong" per se. From how you've framed your questions, it sounds like this isn't going to work out.
Yes, but here's a thought: why not talk with him about this pattern? There's something broader going on with the "I love you" issue and the photo issue. Assuming you're still interested in trying to make things work out, why not have a talk with him and say: "It seems like we keep getting into this pattern where I get taken aback by your intense reaction and then things get all awkward and we're both left struggling to patch things up." I mean, that's the pattern, right? If I'm privy to it and I'm just some random stranger on the internet, isn't that something the two of you should be discussing together?
posted by Jaltcoh at 12:22 PM on July 1, 2010 [1 favorite]
Yes, but here's a thought: why not talk with him about this pattern? There's something broader going on with the "I love you" issue and the photo issue. Assuming you're still interested in trying to make things work out, why not have a talk with him and say: "It seems like we keep getting into this pattern where I get taken aback by your intense reaction and then things get all awkward and we're both left struggling to patch things up." I mean, that's the pattern, right? If I'm privy to it and I'm just some random stranger on the internet, isn't that something the two of you should be discussing together?
posted by Jaltcoh at 12:22 PM on July 1, 2010 [1 favorite]
I'd flip out if I were dating someone with a framed photo of an ex in a bedroom. Of course, post-flip out, I'd probably end it.
posted by Michael Pemulis at 12:24 PM on July 1, 2010 [3 favorites]
posted by Michael Pemulis at 12:24 PM on July 1, 2010 [3 favorites]
Sorry, but having a photo of your ex in your bedroom is rather weird. He probably shouldn't have flipped out that way but I can fully understand his concern. How would you like it if the situation was reversed?
If you do DTMF then make it over something more than this.
posted by mr_silver at 12:26 PM on July 1, 2010 [1 favorite]
If you do DTMF then make it over something more than this.
posted by mr_silver at 12:26 PM on July 1, 2010 [1 favorite]
Truth be told, if I were a couple months into an exciting new relationship and I discovered that my sweetie had a framed picture of their ex in their bedroom, I'd be uncomfortable and start second-guessing my involvement with that person. However, I wouldn't go ballistic, and I'd be willing to give them the friendly-and-platonic interpretation.
I'm not going to tell you to DTMFA just yet, but proceed with caution. If anything else about this guy strikes you as hinky, or prompts you to start mentally composing another AskMe question, don't ask us, just go straight to dumping him.
posted by Metroid Baby at 12:31 PM on July 1, 2010 [1 favorite]
I'm not going to tell you to DTMFA just yet, but proceed with caution. If anything else about this guy strikes you as hinky, or prompts you to start mentally composing another AskMe question, don't ask us, just go straight to dumping him.
posted by Metroid Baby at 12:31 PM on July 1, 2010 [1 favorite]
I agree with the people who say that his reaction was not acceptable.
On the other hand, I think it's inconsiderate to have a picture of your ex in your bedroom, near your bed. When you're being physically intimate with him in your bedroom, he is going to see the picture. I'm not a jealous person, but I would find it creepy to see a picture of the person's ex while being intimate. It would just ruin the mood for me.
I don't think he was lying when he said he wasn't bothered by your friendship with the ex. I think he IS bothered that you have a picture of him in your bedroom that he has to see while you're being intimate.
I would probably continue to see this person, but keep an eye out for similar incidents in the future. If these outbursts become a habit, then you two probably aren't right for each other.
If you want to continue the relationship, you might want to apologize for hurting him by having the picture in your room. Then, offer to move it to another room to make him feel more comfortable. If he is not OK with having the picture in another room, that would be worrisome to me. I would also expect him to apologize for his nasty behavior towards you. Explain to him that it's OK if the picture makes him uncomfortable, but it's not OK to react in such a nasty way.
posted by parakeetdog at 12:31 PM on July 1, 2010
On the other hand, I think it's inconsiderate to have a picture of your ex in your bedroom, near your bed. When you're being physically intimate with him in your bedroom, he is going to see the picture. I'm not a jealous person, but I would find it creepy to see a picture of the person's ex while being intimate. It would just ruin the mood for me.
I don't think he was lying when he said he wasn't bothered by your friendship with the ex. I think he IS bothered that you have a picture of him in your bedroom that he has to see while you're being intimate.
I would probably continue to see this person, but keep an eye out for similar incidents in the future. If these outbursts become a habit, then you two probably aren't right for each other.
If you want to continue the relationship, you might want to apologize for hurting him by having the picture in your room. Then, offer to move it to another room to make him feel more comfortable. If he is not OK with having the picture in another room, that would be worrisome to me. I would also expect him to apologize for his nasty behavior towards you. Explain to him that it's OK if the picture makes him uncomfortable, but it's not OK to react in such a nasty way.
posted by parakeetdog at 12:31 PM on July 1, 2010
I hesitate to say this, mainly because there's a lot of disagreement about on how to proceed in this thread, but here goes:
This sounds like an abuse pattern that may only get worse as you become more involved. My read on this is that it's about control over you and your feelings. Abusers seldom get "better" within an already abusive relationship. They can get better in therapy. My warning is spoken from experience - I've only had one abusive relationship, but it was a doozie, and very hard for me to see coming.
Take care of yourself.
posted by dbmcd at 12:32 PM on July 1, 2010 [1 favorite]
This sounds like an abuse pattern that may only get worse as you become more involved. My read on this is that it's about control over you and your feelings. Abusers seldom get "better" within an already abusive relationship. They can get better in therapy. My warning is spoken from experience - I've only had one abusive relationship, but it was a doozie, and very hard for me to see coming.
Take care of yourself.
posted by dbmcd at 12:32 PM on July 1, 2010 [1 favorite]
I realize that being friends with an the ex (and having a picture of them displayed) is out of the ordinary and something that anyone I'm seeing is going to want explained.
Actually, it's not out of the ordinary. I have a framed photograph of an ex. Not the most recent ex, but an ex. He is a great person and I love him to bits, and wish he lived closer. We were just not ever going to be a long term thing, due to a lot of factors, and he's one of the few ex's I am still friends with. It's a great photo of him, I had a frame that fit, and I've never needed the frame for anything else so I keep it. It's on a shelf with some other photos of friends, it's not prominent but it's not hidden - much like yours.
I don't know if Mr. M. has ever seen it in my various places of abode (including the one we now share) but if he has he's never ever commented on its presence. You know why? Because it is not any of his business whose photographs I choose to display in my spaces.
It's not right next to your bedside. It's not the first thing you see when you wake up in the morning. Not everyone has huge apartments and living spaces where you can artfully arrange photographs like you're in a fucking movie. It's not lovingly placed next to a flower arrangement with a candle burning next to it. The positioning of the photo is clearly, clearlyi casual.
The guy is overreacting, and the fact that he stormed out and couldn't say, "Okay, this is freaking me out a little, I'm sorry" and you couldn't say "Dude, it's on a high shelf next to an empty frame, a Slutcracker poster, and a picture of a cat I used to have, this is not a shrine to my ex." is what gives me pause for concern.
I disagree that you need to invite the ex to dinner so they can meet, because i guarantee you he's going to be weird, based on what you said so far. either the current dude takes you at your word that this isn't a thing, or he doesn't. if he can't *talk* to you about it, then this is probably not a guy with the maturity level you are looking for.
posted by micawber at 12:35 PM on July 1, 2010 [2 favorites]
Actually, it's not out of the ordinary. I have a framed photograph of an ex. Not the most recent ex, but an ex. He is a great person and I love him to bits, and wish he lived closer. We were just not ever going to be a long term thing, due to a lot of factors, and he's one of the few ex's I am still friends with. It's a great photo of him, I had a frame that fit, and I've never needed the frame for anything else so I keep it. It's on a shelf with some other photos of friends, it's not prominent but it's not hidden - much like yours.
I don't know if Mr. M. has ever seen it in my various places of abode (including the one we now share) but if he has he's never ever commented on its presence. You know why? Because it is not any of his business whose photographs I choose to display in my spaces.
It's not right next to your bedside. It's not the first thing you see when you wake up in the morning. Not everyone has huge apartments and living spaces where you can artfully arrange photographs like you're in a fucking movie. It's not lovingly placed next to a flower arrangement with a candle burning next to it. The positioning of the photo is clearly, clearlyi casual.
The guy is overreacting, and the fact that he stormed out and couldn't say, "Okay, this is freaking me out a little, I'm sorry" and you couldn't say "Dude, it's on a high shelf next to an empty frame, a Slutcracker poster, and a picture of a cat I used to have, this is not a shrine to my ex." is what gives me pause for concern.
I disagree that you need to invite the ex to dinner so they can meet, because i guarantee you he's going to be weird, based on what you said so far. either the current dude takes you at your word that this isn't a thing, or he doesn't. if he can't *talk* to you about it, then this is probably not a guy with the maturity level you are looking for.
posted by micawber at 12:35 PM on July 1, 2010 [2 favorites]
This guy is working on attaching himself to you like an emotional lamprey. Eventually, you're going to notice and want him off. But the longer you wait, the harder it will be to extricate yourself.
posted by Mayor Curley at 12:38 PM on July 1, 2010 [8 favorites]
posted by Mayor Curley at 12:38 PM on July 1, 2010 [8 favorites]
Best answer: Yeah, I dated this guy. It never ends with this type of personality. There's always a problem, the common denominator of which is that you're not 100% locked onto him and only him at all times. God forbid you have male friends, or remain friends with exes, or OMG! laugh at another guy friend's joke. A-BU-SIVE personalities are structured this way, FWIW.
Here's what a healthy, rational person would have said or done in response to the picture: "Hey, I know you two are just friends now but it makes me uncomfortable to see that picture there. I really like you and I had a bad experience a while back similar to this and the picture set off a trigger for me. I don't want to tell you what to do with your pictures, but please be aware this bothers me and I'm not sure how to react." Boom. Done. But a flurry of accusatory texts is fucking childish.
My experience is that men who spout out declarations of love early on in the relationship, in conjunction with obvious unresolved jealousy issues (hint: this story) are more in love with the idea of being in love than actually in love with you. So pretty much any supposed failing you have becomes fodder for high drama because - what a surprise - the guy doesn't really even know you but has created an idealized image of you in his mind which you could never actually be.
The phrase "Do you want a boyfriend or a project?" comes to mind here. Yech. This guy is not so awesome so far. Here's how you end it: meet him in public and tell him you've decided to date other people. Wish him the best. He'll pitch a fit and will implement the guilt trips. It'll be painful and awkward, but less painful and awkward than another nine weeks with this joker.
posted by December at 12:38 PM on July 1, 2010 [14 favorites]
Here's what a healthy, rational person would have said or done in response to the picture: "Hey, I know you two are just friends now but it makes me uncomfortable to see that picture there. I really like you and I had a bad experience a while back similar to this and the picture set off a trigger for me. I don't want to tell you what to do with your pictures, but please be aware this bothers me and I'm not sure how to react." Boom. Done. But a flurry of accusatory texts is fucking childish.
My experience is that men who spout out declarations of love early on in the relationship, in conjunction with obvious unresolved jealousy issues (hint: this story) are more in love with the idea of being in love than actually in love with you. So pretty much any supposed failing you have becomes fodder for high drama because - what a surprise - the guy doesn't really even know you but has created an idealized image of you in his mind which you could never actually be.
The phrase "Do you want a boyfriend or a project?" comes to mind here. Yech. This guy is not so awesome so far. Here's how you end it: meet him in public and tell him you've decided to date other people. Wish him the best. He'll pitch a fit and will implement the guilt trips. It'll be painful and awkward, but less painful and awkward than another nine weeks with this joker.
posted by December at 12:38 PM on July 1, 2010 [14 favorites]
First of all, stop being so stressed out by this new relationship. This is a time to enjoy yourself, get to know each other and see where things go - not to put labels on non-existent feelings, become invested in possible feelings and spend a lot of time parsing his words and reactions to see if this is worth pursuing or he is worth your time. The worth is, or should be, at least at this stage, in the act itself: the act of being together.
I like to read closely, which is an interesting and sometimes fruitless challenge on Ask, given the length and purpose of the questions. Still, here are some things I noticed in your two questions re: this relationship (I hope you will not take it the wrong way):
"This was supposed to be a casual thing."
"It's possible that I could grow to care for him deeply. In like a few more months."
"However, this is waaaay too serious way too soon for me and is overwhelming/slightly terrifying."
"I have no idea how to progress from here or what I should even say to him."
"He's never mentioned having any problem with it and I assumed it was not A Thing."
"I'm having trouble not seeing this as a brief and horrifying glimpse of the future."
"I am not in love with New Guy but I'm getting there. I am very, very fond of him. I do not like this. I found his reaction shocking and his questioning of his feelings for me over this picture incredibly hurtful."
"I was expecting to have to reassure him. I was not expecting high drama. The intensity of his reaction has left me wondering if this is a clear sign that I should break things off and also how the hell I should do that. "
This is what I see: assumptions and judgment. And a lot of anxiety about your own judgments about him, especially when he does anything that upsets the idea of him you're in the process of forming. You've made assumptions about your relationship and about your future, and you've judged your own feelings and his words and actions. Your questions, in both cases, are also about judgment - specifically, whether your own judgment is correct, how other people (we) judge the situation and how to proceed. You seem to me very anxious to solve this person and get a handle on this relationship so that you can make the right decision in a given situation, and maybe be happy ever after.
But both the problems you've mentioned are about your differing assumptions. What you thought was casual turned out to be a serious thing for him. What you thought was an unproblematic relationship with an ex turned out to be, in the context of framed photographs, a big problem for him. Does this say he's somebody who rushed into saying love and is now full of doubt? Not necessarily. What it most definitely does say is that You Just Don't Know Him That Well Yet. And that You and He are not the same person.
And that's okay, right? Isn't that part of the thrill? If you wanted to be with someone who thought exactly like you and never did anything that surprised you, you could just hang out with yourself... and you'd still probably be surprised.
Now I don't know the guy you're with; all I'm assuming is that if you continued hanging out with him for nine weeks, it was worthwhile. You're fond of him already, which is wonderful. But you're so quick to label his (short) reaction as high drama... what about your own need to make this new relationship fit your own (future) needs and your anxiety about the fact that he's, essentially, his own person? With his own definitions of love, his own needs from you and his own reactions to discovering that you are not always what he assumes - in this case, not someone who keeps her ex's picture in a frame?
This is new for both of you. It sounds like you're having a lot of fun, and that you're hoping with all your heart that it will continue to stay good, maybe even get better. That's great - I'm pretty sure he's hoping the same thing! Don't you see that that hope is where you both connect? Don't you see that your need to know what everything means and what it portends is killing the fun of this relationship - on both ends?
Take a step back from this need, because it will prematurely kill this relationship. You're putting some trust in your compatibility with another human being - acknowledge that this is your own decision, and trust that decision, not him. Not because you could not be wrong, of course you could. But because the future isn't here yet, and because you're making it together as you go along. It's not like a card dealt by a dealer that shows if you got blackjack. It's not just his reactions to your being. It's what you're creating together. So do that. Participate in that. And let yourself trust it until you find yourself unable to do so. It is clear that that time has not come. You just don't know each other well enough yet.
If you want to see him tomorrow, and the day after that, then use tomorrow to talk to him about your assumptions about each other. Listen. Try to get on the same page, or at least to the point where you're not so anxious about each other. Try to detach, a little bit, from the future - so that you can enjoy *now* a little more and see things more clearly, as they are. And because this is all you have, what you'll always have, with another person - memories and now. The future has to happen. Let it. And let yourself enjoy it, until and unless you find that you are no longer enjoying yourself.
posted by mondaygreens at 12:43 PM on July 1, 2010 [9 favorites]
I like to read closely, which is an interesting and sometimes fruitless challenge on Ask, given the length and purpose of the questions. Still, here are some things I noticed in your two questions re: this relationship (I hope you will not take it the wrong way):
"This was supposed to be a casual thing."
"It's possible that I could grow to care for him deeply. In like a few more months."
"However, this is waaaay too serious way too soon for me and is overwhelming/slightly terrifying."
"I have no idea how to progress from here or what I should even say to him."
"He's never mentioned having any problem with it and I assumed it was not A Thing."
"I'm having trouble not seeing this as a brief and horrifying glimpse of the future."
"I am not in love with New Guy but I'm getting there. I am very, very fond of him. I do not like this. I found his reaction shocking and his questioning of his feelings for me over this picture incredibly hurtful."
"I was expecting to have to reassure him. I was not expecting high drama. The intensity of his reaction has left me wondering if this is a clear sign that I should break things off and also how the hell I should do that. "
This is what I see: assumptions and judgment. And a lot of anxiety about your own judgments about him, especially when he does anything that upsets the idea of him you're in the process of forming. You've made assumptions about your relationship and about your future, and you've judged your own feelings and his words and actions. Your questions, in both cases, are also about judgment - specifically, whether your own judgment is correct, how other people (we) judge the situation and how to proceed. You seem to me very anxious to solve this person and get a handle on this relationship so that you can make the right decision in a given situation, and maybe be happy ever after.
But both the problems you've mentioned are about your differing assumptions. What you thought was casual turned out to be a serious thing for him. What you thought was an unproblematic relationship with an ex turned out to be, in the context of framed photographs, a big problem for him. Does this say he's somebody who rushed into saying love and is now full of doubt? Not necessarily. What it most definitely does say is that You Just Don't Know Him That Well Yet. And that You and He are not the same person.
And that's okay, right? Isn't that part of the thrill? If you wanted to be with someone who thought exactly like you and never did anything that surprised you, you could just hang out with yourself... and you'd still probably be surprised.
Now I don't know the guy you're with; all I'm assuming is that if you continued hanging out with him for nine weeks, it was worthwhile. You're fond of him already, which is wonderful. But you're so quick to label his (short) reaction as high drama... what about your own need to make this new relationship fit your own (future) needs and your anxiety about the fact that he's, essentially, his own person? With his own definitions of love, his own needs from you and his own reactions to discovering that you are not always what he assumes - in this case, not someone who keeps her ex's picture in a frame?
This is new for both of you. It sounds like you're having a lot of fun, and that you're hoping with all your heart that it will continue to stay good, maybe even get better. That's great - I'm pretty sure he's hoping the same thing! Don't you see that that hope is where you both connect? Don't you see that your need to know what everything means and what it portends is killing the fun of this relationship - on both ends?
Take a step back from this need, because it will prematurely kill this relationship. You're putting some trust in your compatibility with another human being - acknowledge that this is your own decision, and trust that decision, not him. Not because you could not be wrong, of course you could. But because the future isn't here yet, and because you're making it together as you go along. It's not like a card dealt by a dealer that shows if you got blackjack. It's not just his reactions to your being. It's what you're creating together. So do that. Participate in that. And let yourself trust it until you find yourself unable to do so. It is clear that that time has not come. You just don't know each other well enough yet.
If you want to see him tomorrow, and the day after that, then use tomorrow to talk to him about your assumptions about each other. Listen. Try to get on the same page, or at least to the point where you're not so anxious about each other. Try to detach, a little bit, from the future - so that you can enjoy *now* a little more and see things more clearly, as they are. And because this is all you have, what you'll always have, with another person - memories and now. The future has to happen. Let it. And let yourself enjoy it, until and unless you find that you are no longer enjoying yourself.
posted by mondaygreens at 12:43 PM on July 1, 2010 [9 favorites]
Sorry, but having a photo of your ex in your bedroom is rather weird.
After a bad breakup? Sure. In a frame that spells out "love of my life" in glitter? Absolutely. But a photo of a dear friend who was at one time, years ago, a boyfriend, but with whom there is now no lingering romantic spark, displayed among other photos and mementos? How exactly is that objectively inappropriate or weird? If a new partner is uncomfortable with such a photo, it's totally legit to say, "I'm incomfortable with this" and ask that the photo be moved or put in storage. But that's different from stating that no one, anywhere, may display a photo of an ex in his or her own home.
posted by Meg_Murry at 12:49 PM on July 1, 2010 [5 favorites]
After a bad breakup? Sure. In a frame that spells out "love of my life" in glitter? Absolutely. But a photo of a dear friend who was at one time, years ago, a boyfriend, but with whom there is now no lingering romantic spark, displayed among other photos and mementos? How exactly is that objectively inappropriate or weird? If a new partner is uncomfortable with such a photo, it's totally legit to say, "I'm incomfortable with this" and ask that the photo be moved or put in storage. But that's different from stating that no one, anywhere, may display a photo of an ex in his or her own home.
posted by Meg_Murry at 12:49 PM on July 1, 2010 [5 favorites]
After a bad breakup? Sure. In a frame that spells out "love of my life" in glitter? Absolutely. But a photo of a dear friend who was at one time, years ago, a boyfriend, but with whom there is now no lingering romantic spark, displayed among other photos and mementos? How exactly is that objectively inappropriate or weird? If a new partner is uncomfortable with such a photo, it's totally legit to say, "I'm incomfortable with this" and ask that the photo be moved or put in storage. But that's different from stating that no one, anywhere, may display a photo of an ex in his or her own home.
Arguing over whether or not it's weird to have the picture in your bedroom won't lead to a definitive answer. Some people find it strange, some people don't. People (and couples) are different. Then again, I keep no photos of anyone in my apartment (it's all on my hard drive). My girlfriend only has photos of herself, her family, and me. I don't think I've dated anyone who's had a photo of their ex by their bed.
As for the OP, the main thing would be that either you two have the same mentality about the photo issue, or the two of you can work through this without pulling teeth. Doesn't sound like either is happening.
I don't think taking the three of you out to dinner would work, either. How would that change anything for you two interact? YOU know that you're not pining for your ex and that you're just taking this relationship at your own speed, but he's not confident about that. I could easily see how from HIS perspective this would just be more hurtful - "what do you mean, I'm too close to my ex, and that you think you've moved too quickly into this relationship? LET'S ALL HAVE DINNER. By the way, I still don't love you."
posted by Sticherbeast at 12:54 PM on July 1, 2010
Arguing over whether or not it's weird to have the picture in your bedroom won't lead to a definitive answer. Some people find it strange, some people don't. People (and couples) are different. Then again, I keep no photos of anyone in my apartment (it's all on my hard drive). My girlfriend only has photos of herself, her family, and me. I don't think I've dated anyone who's had a photo of their ex by their bed.
As for the OP, the main thing would be that either you two have the same mentality about the photo issue, or the two of you can work through this without pulling teeth. Doesn't sound like either is happening.
I don't think taking the three of you out to dinner would work, either. How would that change anything for you two interact? YOU know that you're not pining for your ex and that you're just taking this relationship at your own speed, but he's not confident about that. I could easily see how from HIS perspective this would just be more hurtful - "what do you mean, I'm too close to my ex, and that you think you've moved too quickly into this relationship? LET'S ALL HAVE DINNER. By the way, I still don't love you."
posted by Sticherbeast at 12:54 PM on July 1, 2010
But that's different from stating that no one, anywhere, may display a photo of an ex in his or her own home.
Who said that, exactly? There was no mention in the post of other photos of friends, or even other photos. As far as everyone here knows, it's a single photograph of an ex-boyfriend in this girl's bedroom. And while some people can be totally cool with that and not give it a second thought, it can give others pause. It being a weird situation to some people doesn't make them irrational.
posted by Tequila Mockingbird at 12:54 PM on July 1, 2010 [1 favorite]
Who said that, exactly? There was no mention in the post of other photos of friends, or even other photos. As far as everyone here knows, it's a single photograph of an ex-boyfriend in this girl's bedroom. And while some people can be totally cool with that and not give it a second thought, it can give others pause. It being a weird situation to some people doesn't make them irrational.
posted by Tequila Mockingbird at 12:54 PM on July 1, 2010 [1 favorite]
You know what? I have no idea if the photo thing is weird or a big deal or what. But I do know that I do not want to be with someone who who, when things get weird or hard or rocky, flips their shit. I really, really do not want to be with someone who flips their shit by text message.
Not to be patronising, but you genuinely sound like a nice, mature, level-headed girl. He sounds like High Strung Drama Boy. I don't think that's a great match for you.
posted by DarlingBri at 12:57 PM on July 1, 2010 [15 favorites]
Not to be patronising, but you genuinely sound like a nice, mature, level-headed girl. He sounds like High Strung Drama Boy. I don't think that's a great match for you.
posted by DarlingBri at 12:57 PM on July 1, 2010 [15 favorites]
I have to say for all the picture-defenders here I think there's a lot of missing context. If the only pictures in my girlfriend's bedroom (or even only pictures in her entire apartment) were of a beloved pet and an ex-bf I would definitely have a "Huh?" moment. If the picture was one of lots of different pictures of friends and family it'd be totally different and I might never wonder about it at all.
So he handled it in about as bad a way as possible, and you need to address how you can manage problems in the future, should you decide to stay together. Being friends with exes is a good thing and shows a lot of maturity. But if the only (human) picture in your bedroom is of an ex-bf, and now dear friend, I can see being put-out.
posted by 6550 at 1:03 PM on July 1, 2010 [1 favorite]
So he handled it in about as bad a way as possible, and you need to address how you can manage problems in the future, should you decide to stay together. Being friends with exes is a good thing and shows a lot of maturity. But if the only (human) picture in your bedroom is of an ex-bf, and now dear friend, I can see being put-out.
posted by 6550 at 1:03 PM on July 1, 2010 [1 favorite]
Hmm I will get bashed but i have been the guy in this situation. Every girl that has had an ex as a friend who yelled at me for being upset at it has BROKEN UP WITH ME to go back out with this EX.
So i think he is in the right to be upset at it .
posted by majortom1981 at 1:05 PM on July 1, 2010 [3 favorites]
So i think he is in the right to be upset at it .
posted by majortom1981 at 1:05 PM on July 1, 2010 [3 favorites]
I agree that having the ex's framed picture in the bedroom isn't a great idea. All the same, the premature L declaration, plus the over-the-top freakout, is a bad sign in a relationship where you already have significant doubts. Two Mefi postings at this stage is at least one posting too many. Some gut instinct is warning you that something's wrong here. He's Trouble/Troubled.
You don't need to dump him in person since he didn't have the wherewithal to discuss this with you in person. You can do it over the phone--not cruelly, but firmly, saying that you're uncomfortable in this relationship--you're not in the same place, you're a low-drama person, etc. etc. Expect possible e-stalking, phone calls, etc. but hold your ground.
posted by Elsie at 1:16 PM on July 1, 2010 [1 favorite]
You don't need to dump him in person since he didn't have the wherewithal to discuss this with you in person. You can do it over the phone--not cruelly, but firmly, saying that you're uncomfortable in this relationship--you're not in the same place, you're a low-drama person, etc. etc. Expect possible e-stalking, phone calls, etc. but hold your ground.
posted by Elsie at 1:16 PM on July 1, 2010 [1 favorite]
Best answer: What stands out to me is that his reaction demonstrates that he doesn't believe you. He already knew about this guy, it's not something you sprang on him as a weak explanation of some freaky candle-lit poster-size portrait/shrine in your bedroom. It's a picture of a guy that he already knew about, whose relationship to you had already been explained and made clear. And he decides to disregard all that and run with his instantaneous interpretation of it, freak out, call you names and blame you for his impetuousness.
Without knowing anything beyond this and your previous question, this looks like him saying that he was ok with you not reciprocating his declaration of love, but his actions showing something very different. Talk is cheap, you know? Keep that in mind if you decide to continue the relationship. What he says is all well and good, but it's his actions that show what he really feels.
posted by lemniskate at 1:30 PM on July 1, 2010 [1 favorite]
Without knowing anything beyond this and your previous question, this looks like him saying that he was ok with you not reciprocating his declaration of love, but his actions showing something very different. Talk is cheap, you know? Keep that in mind if you decide to continue the relationship. What he says is all well and good, but it's his actions that show what he really feels.
posted by lemniskate at 1:30 PM on July 1, 2010 [1 favorite]
Just adding my vote: I would have been pretty freaked out to see it, also. I have lots of friends, both male and female. But I don't have framed pictures of any of them in my bedroom. That's reserved for people I have romantic feelings towards.
posted by MexicanYenta at 2:09 PM on July 1, 2010
posted by MexicanYenta at 2:09 PM on July 1, 2010
Having the picture in your bedroom is a little weird, but overall understandible. Between this and and you last question this guy sounds like some combination of insecure loser and emotionally manipulative. Too much crap this early on in a relationship.
posted by BobbyDigital at 2:11 PM on July 1, 2010
posted by BobbyDigital at 2:11 PM on July 1, 2010
Aw, man. I was one of the fast "I love you" sayers in the last question. So now that I've related that bit already, I want to add that if I was loving on a new person and saw a similar picture in his/her room, I'd ask about who it was out of simple general interest. And if it turned out it was an ex who was still a good friend, awesome. It means my love interest is capable of being an adult who recognizes the good things in people, even after a relationship may not have worked.
posted by lauranesson at 2:13 PM on July 1, 2010 [2 favorites]
posted by lauranesson at 2:13 PM on July 1, 2010 [2 favorites]
I wonder if you keep coming to Ask about this guy because you feel like something's kinda off, but you can't put your finger on it...so you're trying to figure out if the things you *can* put your finger on are strong enough to trip anyone else's alarms.
posted by galadriel at 2:17 PM on July 1, 2010 [2 favorites]
posted by galadriel at 2:17 PM on July 1, 2010 [2 favorites]
And because this is all you have, what you'll always have, with another person - memories and now. The future has to happen. Let it.
Seriously? This guy is showing all the signs of being controlling, immature, manipulative and potentially abusive, and you're giving the OP Jack Handy kind of counseling? Seriously?
My exhusband. When we had been dating for about six weeks. Overhead a phone conversation with my best friend (which he admitted he deliberately listened in on) where I talked about wanting to see someone, who happened to be male, at an upcoming concert performance. He immediately stormed in, accused me of cheating on him, being unfaithful, of *hiding the fact that I was going to see this person* (when I just on the phone call had found out that they were going to be in town), and the list goes on. There was no internet back then, there were no cell phones, there were no text messages, it was old fashioned eavesdropping and blowing things out of proportion.
Many years later, in therapy, I pinpointed that moment as the moment I knew that the relationship was not good. But yet I continued to "work" at it and giving him another chance and and and. Don't be me. Listen to your instincts. You're asking questions here because your instincts are telling you that this isn't a great place to be but you have had it drummed into you that following your instincts is wrong.
posted by micawber at 2:30 PM on July 1, 2010 [1 favorite]
Seriously? This guy is showing all the signs of being controlling, immature, manipulative and potentially abusive, and you're giving the OP Jack Handy kind of counseling? Seriously?
My exhusband. When we had been dating for about six weeks. Overhead a phone conversation with my best friend (which he admitted he deliberately listened in on) where I talked about wanting to see someone, who happened to be male, at an upcoming concert performance. He immediately stormed in, accused me of cheating on him, being unfaithful, of *hiding the fact that I was going to see this person* (when I just on the phone call had found out that they were going to be in town), and the list goes on. There was no internet back then, there were no cell phones, there were no text messages, it was old fashioned eavesdropping and blowing things out of proportion.
Many years later, in therapy, I pinpointed that moment as the moment I knew that the relationship was not good. But yet I continued to "work" at it and giving him another chance and and and. Don't be me. Listen to your instincts. You're asking questions here because your instincts are telling you that this isn't a great place to be but you have had it drummed into you that following your instincts is wrong.
posted by micawber at 2:30 PM on July 1, 2010 [1 favorite]
calling me weird for having it
Was there actual name-calling? For me, name-calling* is a do-not-pass-go ticket to the exit.
* like honest-to-god name-calling, not silly loving stuff like "you're the biggest doofus"
posted by salvia at 2:43 PM on July 1, 2010 [2 favorites]
Was there actual name-calling? For me, name-calling* is a do-not-pass-go ticket to the exit.
* like honest-to-god name-calling, not silly loving stuff like "you're the biggest doofus"
posted by salvia at 2:43 PM on July 1, 2010 [2 favorites]
Was there actual name-calling? For me, name-calling* is a do-not-pass-go ticket to the exit.
Reminds me of the old adage, "no relationship survives contempt."
posted by Sticherbeast at 2:47 PM on July 1, 2010 [2 favorites]
Reminds me of the old adage, "no relationship survives contempt."
posted by Sticherbeast at 2:47 PM on July 1, 2010 [2 favorites]
He said he loves you, you give him a horrified face, and he still takes it well. Then after that he goes to your house and sees that you have a framed photo of an ex boyfriend in your room. So this guy is probably thinking that he wants to be in a serious relationship with you but you won't even say you love him and you still have a photo of your ex that you still have contact with. He begins thinking that wow, maybe you are totally playing him. So he leaves and as a defense mechanism he begins sending dramatic texts. Probably hoping you'll text back and reassure him that he's wrong and maybe even tell him you'll put the picture of the ex away. Maybe *I* am weird but I don't think his reaction was all that strange. Yeah, maybe a little over the top but I can at least understand where the guy is coming from.
However as someone said earlier:
"I wonder if you keep coming to Ask about this guy because you feel like something's kinda off, but you can't put your finger on it...so you're trying to figure out if the things you *can* put your finger on are strong enough to trip anyone else's alarms.
"
If THAT is the case where you just know something is off and can't put your finger on it, that's that little voice telling you to get the hell out...and you should listen to it.
posted by GlowWyrm at 3:03 PM on July 1, 2010 [1 favorite]
However as someone said earlier:
"I wonder if you keep coming to Ask about this guy because you feel like something's kinda off, but you can't put your finger on it...so you're trying to figure out if the things you *can* put your finger on are strong enough to trip anyone else's alarms.
"
If THAT is the case where you just know something is off and can't put your finger on it, that's that little voice telling you to get the hell out...and you should listen to it.
posted by GlowWyrm at 3:03 PM on July 1, 2010 [1 favorite]
I would find the picture exceptionally strange if you did not have pictures of your best friends (or at least lots of pictures of regular friends) in your room. Also quite frankly the context of the picture matters. Shot of a fun memory: mitigating factor to less weird. Portrait/shot of him rather then of a memory, very very weird.
posted by An algorithmic dog at 3:05 PM on July 1, 2010
posted by An algorithmic dog at 3:05 PM on July 1, 2010
He was hurt in the past. He is not dealing with it well. I'd sit him down and say: "That bothered me. I care for you loads, but I feel scared and frustrated by the things you said the other day. I'd like to talk about your reaction and what it means for us."
posted by Ironmouth at 3:27 PM on July 1, 2010
posted by Ironmouth at 3:27 PM on July 1, 2010
I realize that being friends with an the ex (and having a picture of them displayed) is out of the ordinary and something that anyone I'm seeing is going to want explained.
It's out of the ordinary? Huh. I personally see it as major bonus points when I start seeing someone and they're still friends with their exes. And I see it as major demerits when someone I'm dating freaks out about the fact that I am friends with most of my exes.
I'd probably leave this guy. You're ambivalent about him at best, he's full of drama. Move on.
posted by dirtynumbangelboy at 3:42 PM on July 1, 2010
It's out of the ordinary? Huh. I personally see it as major bonus points when I start seeing someone and they're still friends with their exes. And I see it as major demerits when someone I'm dating freaks out about the fact that I am friends with most of my exes.
I'd probably leave this guy. You're ambivalent about him at best, he's full of drama. Move on.
posted by dirtynumbangelboy at 3:42 PM on July 1, 2010
Dude sounds kinda emo. I would DMTFA, because he resorted to name-calling and all kinds of foolery because of a PICTURE. I don't see how a picture of someone you haven't dated in THREE YEARS that you RARELY TALK TO is "creepy." He sounds a little creepy, frankly.
posted by ishotjr at 3:45 PM on July 1, 2010
posted by ishotjr at 3:45 PM on July 1, 2010
Is the previous guy better looking? I could imagine the wrong sort of picture being a bit of a confidence shaker...
Generally it seems like your boyfriend is just not feeling secure in the relationship at this point. He's told you he loves you, but you don't love him yet - that must be a little difficult even if he's being casual about it.People can easily jump to conclusions when they aren't feeling confident. I think you need to talk to him, and try to clarify what you're looking for...
posted by mdn at 5:01 PM on July 1, 2010
Generally it seems like your boyfriend is just not feeling secure in the relationship at this point. He's told you he loves you, but you don't love him yet - that must be a little difficult even if he's being casual about it.People can easily jump to conclusions when they aren't feeling confident. I think you need to talk to him, and try to clarify what you're looking for...
posted by mdn at 5:01 PM on July 1, 2010
People have vastly different ideas of "normal" when it comes to photographs. And people have vastly different ideas of "normal" regarding friendships with exes. It sounds to me like you hit a major difference of "normal" on both of these touchy subjects at one time.
I agree with everyone who said that it's not that he was made uncomfortable by the photograph that's the problem, it's the way he flipped his shit.
I think I'd have a come-to-Jesus talk with him that stresses that he cannot flip his shit like a crazy person over a misunderstanding/difference of opinion/thing that surprises him.
If he is willing to talk about what "photo on bookshelf" signifies to him, and is willing to listen to what "photograph on bookshelf" means to you, and he can identify WTF happened in his head, and you two can talk about a process to avoid that...well, that would be good.
If he sticks to his guns and won't talk, that's a very very bad sign for your compatibility and for his respect of you.
posted by desuetude at 8:12 PM on July 1, 2010
I agree with everyone who said that it's not that he was made uncomfortable by the photograph that's the problem, it's the way he flipped his shit.
I think I'd have a come-to-Jesus talk with him that stresses that he cannot flip his shit like a crazy person over a misunderstanding/difference of opinion/thing that surprises him.
If he is willing to talk about what "photo on bookshelf" signifies to him, and is willing to listen to what "photograph on bookshelf" means to you, and he can identify WTF happened in his head, and you two can talk about a process to avoid that...well, that would be good.
If he sticks to his guns and won't talk, that's a very very bad sign for your compatibility and for his respect of you.
posted by desuetude at 8:12 PM on July 1, 2010
I think the most he could ask is that you turn the photo the other way round whenever the two of you are in your bed. Other than that he should shut up, unless the two of you move into a place together.
I say look for somebody who's got their shit a bit more together.
posted by bonobothegreat at 10:28 PM on July 1, 2010
I say look for somebody who's got their shit a bit more together.
posted by bonobothegreat at 10:28 PM on July 1, 2010
I think both of you are immature. You sleep with him on the first date after meeting him online, he falls for you and you--after getting high--laugh at him. No doubt, you were doing other romantic things in your bedroom when he sees a picture of your ex-boyfriend, and HE'S wrong for being upset? All he calls you is "weird" (which you also called him in your description btw)--not the b-word or anything abusive--and you think HE'S crazy?
I have no idea how hold either of you are, but you don't seem ready for a mature relationship. He moves too fast and you're playing games. He texts instead of talking to you in person; you come to a computer and ask strangers about him instead of talking to him in person.
posted by GeniPalm at 6:42 AM on July 2, 2010 [2 favorites]
I have no idea how hold either of you are, but you don't seem ready for a mature relationship. He moves too fast and you're playing games. He texts instead of talking to you in person; you come to a computer and ask strangers about him instead of talking to him in person.
posted by GeniPalm at 6:42 AM on July 2, 2010 [2 favorites]
Response by poster: I appreciate all of the advice.
I was initially on team work it out. I put the picture away and told him so. I was like, "The picture is in a bin, in a closet, under a pile of clothes. I understand why it bothered you, it is sort of weird, and in the future I'd like it if you told me in person if something makes you uncomfortable so we can work it out right away. Let's go see fireworks tonight!"
And he was like, "Do you suddenly think it's weird now because you asked HIM? You're creepy. It's weird. You're gross. It's inappropriate. You're still clearly in love with him. If I were a fat, old, guy (my ex is older than both I and new guy) would you love me? I can't believe you ever slept with that geriatric sweathog*. You have terrible judgement. You let yourself be exploited. I don't actually love you. I made a huge mistake. It doesn't matter if the picture's gone, it's existence is the problem."
And then I was like whooooooooa DTMFA. And then he sent me texts alternating between begging for a second chance and calling me a stone bitch. Thank you, Metafilter.
*Exact words.
posted by Tha Race Card at 7:10 AM on July 2, 2010 [12 favorites]
I was initially on team work it out. I put the picture away and told him so. I was like, "The picture is in a bin, in a closet, under a pile of clothes. I understand why it bothered you, it is sort of weird, and in the future I'd like it if you told me in person if something makes you uncomfortable so we can work it out right away. Let's go see fireworks tonight!"
And he was like, "Do you suddenly think it's weird now because you asked HIM? You're creepy. It's weird. You're gross. It's inappropriate. You're still clearly in love with him. If I were a fat, old, guy (my ex is older than both I and new guy) would you love me? I can't believe you ever slept with that geriatric sweathog*. You have terrible judgement. You let yourself be exploited. I don't actually love you. I made a huge mistake. It doesn't matter if the picture's gone, it's existence is the problem."
And then I was like whooooooooa DTMFA. And then he sent me texts alternating between begging for a second chance and calling me a stone bitch. Thank you, Metafilter.
*Exact words.
posted by Tha Race Card at 7:10 AM on July 2, 2010 [12 favorites]
affection early and often, with mutual consent and no pressure (internet fraud detective squad, station number 9)
This is a great thing. And ifdssn9 is so right: mutual consent and no pressure are the key things here.
posted by ocherdraco at 7:12 AM on July 2, 2010
This is a great thing. And ifdssn9 is so right: mutual consent and no pressure are the key things here.
posted by ocherdraco at 7:12 AM on July 2, 2010
Go you! Good job!
posted by ocherdraco at 7:13 AM on July 2, 2010
posted by ocherdraco at 7:13 AM on July 2, 2010
Wow, so did end up calling you the "b-word?!" You did the right thing by dumping him. Dude has some issues.
But don't lose the lesson...in the future, if you're dating someone seroiusly and he's over your house, remove the photo from your bedside. It's just the right thing to do.
posted by GeniPalm at 7:24 AM on July 2, 2010
But don't lose the lesson...in the future, if you're dating someone seroiusly and he's over your house, remove the photo from your bedside. It's just the right thing to do.
posted by GeniPalm at 7:24 AM on July 2, 2010
Whoa. Didn't take him long to show his true colors, did it? I agree with internet fraud... - for me, that picture would be a handy sanity test for the next guy. Never take it down ;)
posted by lemniskate at 7:46 AM on July 2, 2010
posted by lemniskate at 7:46 AM on July 2, 2010
if you're dating someone seroiusly and he's over your house, remove the photo from your bedside. It's just the right thing to do.
Uh, why? Seriously, why? There's a lot of character implied by someone's ability to remain friends with an ex. Couple that with "Oh cool, if we don't work out there's a strong possibility we could remain friends" and it's kind of a win-win situation all around.
To be honest, I've never really understood people who cut exes out of their lives immediately upon breaking up. Why would you even want to date someone if you couldn't be friends with them? (This is presupposing, obviously, a certain degree of seriousness in the relationship and lack of acrimony in the breakup).
posted by dirtynumbangelboy at 7:53 AM on July 2, 2010 [2 favorites]
Uh, why? Seriously, why? There's a lot of character implied by someone's ability to remain friends with an ex. Couple that with "Oh cool, if we don't work out there's a strong possibility we could remain friends" and it's kind of a win-win situation all around.
To be honest, I've never really understood people who cut exes out of their lives immediately upon breaking up. Why would you even want to date someone if you couldn't be friends with them? (This is presupposing, obviously, a certain degree of seriousness in the relationship and lack of acrimony in the breakup).
posted by dirtynumbangelboy at 7:53 AM on July 2, 2010 [2 favorites]
"if you're dating someone seroiusly and he's over your house, remove the photo from your bedside. It's just the right thing to do."
I strongly disagree. Like dirtynumbangelboy, I would give bonus points to a dating interest who had the maturity to maintain a good relationship with their exes. I only ever dated people that I wanted to be friends with first, so it would be good to know that I wasn't throwing the friendship away if the romance didn't work out.
posted by tdismukes at 8:42 AM on July 2, 2010 [1 favorite]
I strongly disagree. Like dirtynumbangelboy, I would give bonus points to a dating interest who had the maturity to maintain a good relationship with their exes. I only ever dated people that I wanted to be friends with first, so it would be good to know that I wasn't throwing the friendship away if the romance didn't work out.
posted by tdismukes at 8:42 AM on July 2, 2010 [1 favorite]
I strongly disagree. Like dirtynumbangelboy, I would give bonus points to a dating interest who had the maturity to maintain a good relationship with their exes. I only ever dated people that I wanted to be friends with first, so it would be good to know that I wasn't throwing the friendship away if the romance didn't work out.
I agree that I wouldn't trust someone who couldn't maintain friendships with their exes. I can still see how the photo could be weird, depending on the context, but having it up is still a very good idea, and not just because it's the OP's damn room and she'll set it up how she damn likes.
Tha Race Card had it up, gave a good explanation for it, and even offered a reasonable concession (taking it out of view) when the Boy didn't like it, but then the Boy showed his true colors by only going more bugfuckinsane afterwards. The photo is, apparently, a great filter for crazy people.
posted by Sticherbeast at 8:46 AM on July 2, 2010
I agree that I wouldn't trust someone who couldn't maintain friendships with their exes. I can still see how the photo could be weird, depending on the context, but having it up is still a very good idea, and not just because it's the OP's damn room and she'll set it up how she damn likes.
Tha Race Card had it up, gave a good explanation for it, and even offered a reasonable concession (taking it out of view) when the Boy didn't like it, but then the Boy showed his true colors by only going more bugfuckinsane afterwards. The photo is, apparently, a great filter for crazy people.
posted by Sticherbeast at 8:46 AM on July 2, 2010
Wow. Um, very sorry to hear his response. His batshitinsane response.
posted by desuetude at 9:23 AM on July 2, 2010
posted by desuetude at 9:23 AM on July 2, 2010
Sticherbeast: The photo is, apparently, a great filter for crazy people.
This. I realize that the situation has been resolved but I wanted to weigh in on this for any future readers of the original question.
I ended a long term relationship in my late 20s with a guy I'd been with since just after we'd both come out (at 20). So even though after eight years we'd grown apart and realized (after a lot of pain) that we didn't belong together, he was connected to every aspect of my life as my friend, my family, and my history - as well as all of us having the same friends and a shared past.
When we separated, we gave each other a lot of space, and because of this, managed to become good friends again -- much better friends than we'd been in the last couple of years of our relationship. It wasn't easy, but to wipe him from my life completely would have, to me, cheapened everything we had together. We both knew we had grown in such ways that we didn't belong together as a couple; for a long time, I thought "couple-dom" just wasn't for me, but that's another story.
When I did finally started dating again, it was a really good test to see how compatible we were if, after we got to the "exchanging life stories" part -- how I'd grown up with and loved this man and he remained important to me and always would be, they seemed able to process this. I came to realize just how lucky I was and it made me, for the first time perhaps, feel like I was emotionally mature. That's not to say that if you are in that position, you shouldn't expect a little jealousy or insecurity; that's natural. But it's how they deal with those feelings that can show you who your new partner really is.
(as was obviously the case here)
Also, Tha Race Card, though I'll join the chorus of "wow, glad you found this out now", I'm sorry this all happened to you. Nobody should have to be on the receiving end of that kind of shitty behavior, and even though you are definitely glad to be rid of them, even breakups of short relationships with asshat behavior can still sting a little, and I hope you're able to pick yourself up and shake off and remember that, despite this one guy's behavior, there's other guys out there who are worth your time. Good luck.
posted by MCMikeNamara at 9:25 AM on July 2, 2010 [1 favorite]
This. I realize that the situation has been resolved but I wanted to weigh in on this for any future readers of the original question.
I ended a long term relationship in my late 20s with a guy I'd been with since just after we'd both come out (at 20). So even though after eight years we'd grown apart and realized (after a lot of pain) that we didn't belong together, he was connected to every aspect of my life as my friend, my family, and my history - as well as all of us having the same friends and a shared past.
When we separated, we gave each other a lot of space, and because of this, managed to become good friends again -- much better friends than we'd been in the last couple of years of our relationship. It wasn't easy, but to wipe him from my life completely would have, to me, cheapened everything we had together. We both knew we had grown in such ways that we didn't belong together as a couple; for a long time, I thought "couple-dom" just wasn't for me, but that's another story.
When I did finally started dating again, it was a really good test to see how compatible we were if, after we got to the "exchanging life stories" part -- how I'd grown up with and loved this man and he remained important to me and always would be, they seemed able to process this. I came to realize just how lucky I was and it made me, for the first time perhaps, feel like I was emotionally mature. That's not to say that if you are in that position, you shouldn't expect a little jealousy or insecurity; that's natural. But it's how they deal with those feelings that can show you who your new partner really is.
(as was obviously the case here)
Also, Tha Race Card, though I'll join the chorus of "wow, glad you found this out now", I'm sorry this all happened to you. Nobody should have to be on the receiving end of that kind of shitty behavior, and even though you are definitely glad to be rid of them, even breakups of short relationships with asshat behavior can still sting a little, and I hope you're able to pick yourself up and shake off and remember that, despite this one guy's behavior, there's other guys out there who are worth your time. Good luck.
posted by MCMikeNamara at 9:25 AM on July 2, 2010 [1 favorite]
Wow, Tha Race Card, I'm sorry you went through all that! And I'm very glad that you've resolved the situation. Phew!!
posted by salvia at 9:42 AM on July 2, 2010
posted by salvia at 9:42 AM on July 2, 2010
But don't lose the lesson...in the future, if you're dating someone seroiusly and he's over your house, remove the photo from your bedside. It's just the right thing to do.
I think the lesson is more about trusting your instincts, which you did. You handled the situation well, giving him the benefit of the doubt, communicating openly, and ultimately drawing the line at what you'll put up with. Good job!
posted by JenMarie at 12:23 PM on July 2, 2010 [7 favorites]
I think the lesson is more about trusting your instincts, which you did. You handled the situation well, giving him the benefit of the doubt, communicating openly, and ultimately drawing the line at what you'll put up with. Good job!
posted by JenMarie at 12:23 PM on July 2, 2010 [7 favorites]
But don't lose the lesson...in the future, if you're dating someone seroiusly and he's over your house, remove the photo from your bedside. It's just the right thing to do.
That is absolutely not the lesson.
posted by scody at 12:25 PM on July 2, 2010 [14 favorites]
That is absolutely not the lesson.
posted by scody at 12:25 PM on July 2, 2010 [14 favorites]
remove the photo from your bedside.
It wasn't at her bedside. It was on a high shelf on a piece of furniture next to the bed. Big difference.
posted by desuetude at 1:22 PM on July 2, 2010 [1 favorite]
It wasn't at her bedside. It was on a high shelf on a piece of furniture next to the bed. Big difference.
posted by desuetude at 1:22 PM on July 2, 2010 [1 favorite]
Ok, I have been married for about 15 years. I have pictures of friends all over the place, including ex lovers.
The guy TOTALLY over reacted. Like a crazy person. Dump him.
posted by SecretAgentSockpuppet at 3:08 PM on July 2, 2010
The guy TOTALLY over reacted. Like a crazy person. Dump him.
posted by SecretAgentSockpuppet at 3:08 PM on July 2, 2010
Ah, hadn't read the whole thread, to see that loser had indeed been dumped.
posted by SecretAgentSockpuppet at 6:54 PM on July 2, 2010 [1 favorite]
posted by SecretAgentSockpuppet at 6:54 PM on July 2, 2010 [1 favorite]
This thread is closed to new comments.
posted by knz at 11:34 AM on July 1, 2010 [1 favorite]