Life Question

March 1, 2005 2:27 PM

I just moved to a new city, which in itself is exciting, but I am finding it a bit lonely. While some parts of my life are fabulous, they don't make up for the daily monotony that seems to escalate the longer I fail to do anything about it. I need advice.

I took a job in the same field as I was previously working -- just to have some "security" when I got here (Chicago). Of course, three weeks into it, it remains unsatisfying. I even find I am missing my old job, even with all the bull and politics there, we were all friendly to each other. Now I sit in my office alone and when people talk to me I feel like I am an alien. I guess it would be hard to state a "question" and I may catch a lot of shit for the lack of one...but the solitude has me thinking a lot about pursuing the career I really want. Finances make this nearly impossible right now.

Ultimately, I need to be doing something more creative but I never nurtured that in me and it is fighting to get out. I went to law school, knew it wasn't for me, wracked up too much debt and now have a "desk job".

Have you ever taken an impossible risk? How did you start?

I really am soliciting advice as I feel completely "rudder-less".

posted by Lola_G to work & money (20 comments total)

Maybe you should think about calling the friends that you left (did you say goodbye to them?) in your previous city. I'm sure they'd like to hear from you and would be happy to offer to help you get started on this new phase of your life.
posted by Juicylicious at 2:37 PM on March 1, 2005

First: Three weeks isn't very long.

Second: Forget the first. If you hate your job, the worst thing that could happen would be getting used to it and convincing yourself to like it. Then five, six years could go by and you'll be stuck much deeper.

Third: Law degrees have loads of power -- enough to buy your freedom, at least. Try Deborah Arron's books, especially "What to Do With Your Law Degree." Remember that if you have a law degree, hold a clipboard, and act like you know what you're doing, people will give you all kinds of authority to do good things.

Fourth: Really, three weeks isn't long, not for the city to start making sense to you. Your system still is in shock; your bearings are gone. Get through another three without berating yourself and see what happens.
posted by argybarg at 2:42 PM on March 1, 2005

I think the question that you are asking is something along the lines of "How do I land the job of my dreams without racking up debt while I"m at it?"

It sounds like what you really need to do is clarify what you are trying to accomplish. Looking for another job does not mean you have to quit the one you're in right now, especially as you still have school debt. Start thinking about what kind of job/industry you are looking to get into, and get specific. Make a job-hunting plan. Write out specific goals and ways to achieve them. They don't need to be big ones, just things that progress you towards finding your creative-type job.

Also, try job counseling, either in people or book form. One book I found to be really good is What Color is Your Parachute. It has excellent advice on how to identify and then go after your dream job. It helped me a lot in my job search.

But really, the key is to get started. Once you start, it's much easier to continue. Best of luck!
posted by orangskye at 2:46 PM on March 1, 2005

Unless you start taking control of what you want to do with your life then you've established a unfortunate pattern. This pattern consists of doing what is simply easiest or accessible to you at the time without having to make any big decisions. It's easy to fall into this pattern but you appear to be at a prime crossroads for taking risks.

Here is some short term advice:
1. There is literally a mountain of reading material online and in print that can help you focus your goals. Search Ask MF, go to a bookstore or library, etc. Begin the research.
2. Stop living and working in isolation. Get a hobby. Join a club. Make acquaintances, friends and mentors. The time you invest in this will be worth it for making contacts and opportunities.
3. You want something more creative but it sounds like any job would be more creative than the one you are currently working. Write your resume/CV today. You will be prepared the day you need to send it out.
4. Be careful about soliciting advice from family/friends. These people generally don't want to see you hurt or fail. Their advice skews toward the conservative side.

You've already proved you're ready for change by moving. Now get started on the other stuff. Good luck!
posted by quadog at 3:07 PM on March 1, 2005

Start with non-work. A hobby, or maybe a night class, or both, but something creative. Maybe something you've never done, like dance or yoga or some kind of art or music class? You need to care about something other than work and you need to meet people.

Just pick one thing and start doing it. Symphony? Old movies?

And then think about a new career.
posted by pracowity at 3:11 PM on March 1, 2005

As far as the loneliness, hang in there. Chicago is a really great city with great people. Assuming you came from Minneapolis, you most likely already have a warm coat, so go for long walks after work. Discover the city. Find that little coffee shop that plays your kind of music. Get lost. Forget yourself for awhile, you just may have an adventure. Sorry to sound so cheesy, but you're in an amazing city that you now call home. Learn about it.
Good luck!
posted by hellbient at 3:18 PM on March 1, 2005

Lola_G - I moved to Chicago from Atlanta, leaving friends, a different lifestyle, and beautiful weather. Please tell me you are extremely close to the lake. I live about 20 miles west and it is crazy boring. Anyway the boredom and feeling lonely will only subside once you get busy. For me, I started going to the gym everyday (a bit extreme, but it has helped me tremendously); Additionally, take some non-credit classes at a local college, it provides for social interaction and advances your knowledge; I recommend underwater basket weaving =)

Our situations are nearly identical, and I really feel for you. Reinvent and rediscover yourself!
posted by AllesKlar at 3:21 PM on March 1, 2005

Have a Mefi meetup? Join clubs? Take dance lessons or a cooking class? Volunteer? And good luck--I know how hard it can be to meet people. It was one thing when we all went to school together, but when you move to a strange city and everyone there already has a life in place, it can be tough to build a community.
posted by equipoise at 3:31 PM on March 1, 2005

(20 miles west of the lake is boring? Try DeKalb. "So close to Chicago, yet so *FAR* from Chicago." --Margaret Cho)

On topic...Have you heard the "Avenue Q" soundtrack? It may make you feel a little better about being rudderless. It's helped me a little bit.
posted by achmorrison at 3:41 PM on March 1, 2005

"I need to be doing something more creative but I never nurtured that in me and it is fighting to get out."

Well, start nurturing. Take continuing ed classes at the local community college or art/music center. I've done so, and the people in these types of classes generally are doing the same thing, trying something that they'd always been interested in but life never let them pursue. And most of the people I've met have been pleasant and friendly. So spend some cash on art supplies/guitar/pen & paper and go meet some people who are in the same boat.
posted by lychee at 3:46 PM on March 1, 2005

Now I sit in my office alone and when people talk to me I feel like I am an alien.

It might help those of us with (potential) advice to know a bit more about your job - how much does it involve talking to others in order to get your work done (e.g., projects), and how much is solo work (phone/computer)? In other words, are you missing social (water cooler) talk or work-related talk?

Part of the puzzle here is that if the problem is your work environment, why aren't you focusing on changing that (to the extent you can)? You seem to have concluded that you isolation is a sign that you should change careers. And perhaps you should, but the two seem somewhat unrelated to me.

And if you do want to change careers, are you looking for help on how to approach the problem (in which case you should talk more about why you see change as an "imposible risk"), or career advice (in which case you should talk more about what type of "creative" work might interest you, or what sort of creative work you've thought about)?
posted by WestCoaster at 3:57 PM on March 1, 2005

Sit down and make a list of all of the things you want in your life. All the things you want to have, to be, to do. Promise yourself that you'll do whatever is necessary to get those things. Then plan to spend the next thirty years acquiring the things on your list, slowly, piece by piece. There are no shortcuts, no easy answers.

One more thought: what, exactly, do you have to risk? If you're really unhappy, then what's the worst that could happen? Maybe you would starve. Well, okay, but you've got a law degree, so the chances that you couldn't hack it at your local Barnes & Noble is pretty small. Sure, you might not be happy in such a job, but you're not happy now. So when you've got nothing, that's great, because you've got nothing to lose.

If you're not that unhappy, then just find a hobby and recognize that you don't really want to change your circumstances. Life is imperfect, isn't it?
posted by gd779 at 5:00 PM on March 1, 2005

I need to be doing something more creative but I never nurtured that in me and it is fighting to get out.

I didn't notice this at first, but I think it's a very important comment. If you really needed to be doing something "creative," you would have been doing it all along -- for years and years. It sounds like what you need is to believe you could do something creative at any moment.

Many people live off that belief: One of these days the creative side is going to come out and rescue me from all this. What this particular line of self-deceit leads to is the endless deferment of right now. Today winds up not mattering because the creative side will open its giant wings and fly me away.

This sounds cruel, but please don't misunderstand me. I would guess that you have been creative -- just not in the way you think. People automatically match "creative" to charcoal drawings or writing plays or photography or anything else obviously "creative."

What they don't see is the things they have done in their lives that aren't stereotypically "creative." I would bet that you have done that all your life, while giving yourself a hard time about not doing something "creative."

In other words, build on what you demonstrably like to do, rather than on what you think you ought to like to do.
posted by argybarg at 5:02 PM on March 1, 2005

It sounds like you might be a little depressed, which wouldn't be a surprise since you recently made a big change. It may be not the best state to make big decisions from (e.g., career changes, etc.), as anything sounds better than what you've got, when you're feeling blue.

To get out of the depressed state, all the advice given above is good. Get involved in things -- since you're in a new city you are free to try anything you'd like (take a class in singing! do standup comedy at an open mike! learn how to tango!). For nurturing creativity, there's tons of self-help books - just go to a book store and browse them til you find one you like. Some popular ones that I've heard good things about are The Artists Way by Cameron, and Barbara Sher's books, but you really have to check them out to see if the style appeals to you.

Try to remember the reasons you had in mind about why you made the move. If they're still valid, hang in there. If not, re-evaluate the move. But like I say, I'd suggest don't do anything big and drastic until you're feeling somewhat less bummed...
posted by jasper411 at 5:08 PM on March 1, 2005

And try to have realistic expectations. You've just moved to a new city; it'll take some time before you know people there, and it's likely to feel lonely in the meantime. That's okay, there's nothing wrong with that.

Being lonely can feel scary, because something inside you says "there must be something wrong with me if I'm feeling this way." There isn't. Reminding yourself of that can help.

I agree with all the advice above--take risks. Organize something--get the people you work with to go out for beers. Demand that they go bowling, or clubbing, or scuba diving. If you don't want to go out for beers with those people, maybe you should think about a different job at some point. But give it time; people really are strange when you're a stranger.

And check with your friends back home or elsewhere. Chances are, they've got at least a friend or two in Chicago. Contact those people and tell them you're new in town, looking for advice on what's good to do around here; go out for beer and talk about it. This will feel lame and weird, maybe--but that's okay, that's what exploration often feels like.

And congratulate yourself regularly on being bold and independent. It takes guts to do what you're doing; be proud.
posted by Polonius at 6:12 PM on March 1, 2005

Wait until spring arrives before you make any drastic decisions.

Seriuously, winter in the Midwest is just about 4 weeks too long for everyone. It'll be 65 and sunny one weekend soon, and the whole city will suddenly be your friend.

Take a month, read some of those books up above there while hanging out someplace, and get out on that weekend when it comes.
posted by dglynn at 8:11 PM on March 1, 2005

All of the above is some pretty good advice, but I would also suggest that you think about how you are used to socializing. Is there some activity that really puts you at ease and which you enjoy thoroughly? Then pursue that in Chicago. See if you can find open houses, events, conventions, etc. in Chicago that celebrate that. Classes are certainly fun, but in my experience, don't tend to lead to a lot of friendships. But if you plug into an existing community with interests that you're already familiar with and enjoy, you'll probably find a lot of friends relatively quickly.

It took me a while to find friends when I moved from Chicago to NYC, but eventually I found a really lively community. It took some effort on my part to go out and find folks, but I also had to acknowledge that my main form of social contact, like it or not, is gaming. I tried some other things too, but they felt forced and didn't motivate me to keep things up, but once I got in touch with fellow gaming nerds, I found myself with a strong network that I enjoy keeping in touch with. We do plenty of other things too and there's plenty of folks helping each other out with job info and the like.
posted by ursus_comiter at 8:56 PM on March 1, 2005

Meetups are an easy, low-commitment way to meet some people who are into the same things you're into (or things you've always wanted to try).

Also, 3 weeks is not a long time. This stage sucks, but isn't abnormal by any stretch.
posted by 4easypayments at 7:00 AM on March 2, 2005

Some good advice. I think that argybarg kinda nailed the "creativity" - thing on the head.

The general rule of thumb on building new friendships in a new city is that it takes three years. This applies to adults, not in school. Yes, you can certainly meet people and create some sort of social circle, but it takes a long time to create longlasting friendships.

How long are you going to be in Chicago anyway? Aren't you relocating again in a few months? I think it's going to be difficult to make any life changes when you're not sure about laying down roots.
posted by Juicylicious at 8:47 AM on March 2, 2005

Here is a list of people looking for someone to do something with in Chicago, courtesy of Craig's List.
posted by WCityMike at 5:29 AM on March 5, 2005