Too soon, Executus!
June 25, 2010 11:13 PM Subscribe
I'm dating someone I've known for about a month. He appears to be incredibly interested in me, but to me it feels way too soon for him to feel that way. I don't know how to figure out if his feelings are genuine. Is it possible to be head-over-heels with someone after a month of knowing them?
The things that made me feel off are:
- When he got home after asking me to be official, he immediately changed his social networking statuses to 'in a relationship' and changed his facebook picture & phone wallpaper to a photo of us.
- He said "love you" at some point when we were making out. I ignored it figuring he was just lost in the moment, but he later brought it up and asked me if it was too soon to mention that. He said he was testing the waters. He also said he was beginning to feel that way about me. I asked him not to mention it again and he hasn't since.
- Invited me to family activities in what I felt was too short a time.
- I told him I didn't want to see him anymore at one point (knee-jerk reaction from me about an entirely different issue) and after we talked it over the next day he told me he'd cried over the break-up.
My fear is that he doesn't like me so much as he likes the idea of being in love, and/or a pedestaled idea of me. I'm worried that once the romantic stage fades his feelings will as well, and/or that because he falls quickly his feelings will fade just as quickly if something goes wrong.
I can understand feeling giddy and excited about someone, because I've felt the same way and have done the whole "fantasizing about the wedding after a few dates" thing, but it's not something I would then proceed to tell the other person because I know it's just fun romantic-stage stuff that I wouldn't want to actually happen at that point.
He doesn't seem to have that filter. I wouldn't mind any of the above things if they'd happened more slowly, but the fact that it happened within one month makes me feel suspicious because I can't comprehend how he can truly feel how he says he does after one month. I'm at the "I really like this guy" stage and that took three weeks to happen, which is the normal going-rate for me. It's going to be awhile before I can reciprocate the level of feelings he has for me.
Other than the above he's a great guy. We have fun, normal conversations, witty banter, blahblahblah, the usual. He has hobbies and activities and friends that don't involve me and we don't hang out every day. We do talk everyday but I don't mind that.
I told him that I wasn't sure I could trust him because of the quickness of things (left out the stuff about me doubting his feelings), and he told me his word is all he can give me. I know that's true but is there any intuition or something that I can read to figure out if he actually likes me or not?
The things that made me feel off are:
- When he got home after asking me to be official, he immediately changed his social networking statuses to 'in a relationship' and changed his facebook picture & phone wallpaper to a photo of us.
- He said "love you" at some point when we were making out. I ignored it figuring he was just lost in the moment, but he later brought it up and asked me if it was too soon to mention that. He said he was testing the waters. He also said he was beginning to feel that way about me. I asked him not to mention it again and he hasn't since.
- Invited me to family activities in what I felt was too short a time.
- I told him I didn't want to see him anymore at one point (knee-jerk reaction from me about an entirely different issue) and after we talked it over the next day he told me he'd cried over the break-up.
My fear is that he doesn't like me so much as he likes the idea of being in love, and/or a pedestaled idea of me. I'm worried that once the romantic stage fades his feelings will as well, and/or that because he falls quickly his feelings will fade just as quickly if something goes wrong.
I can understand feeling giddy and excited about someone, because I've felt the same way and have done the whole "fantasizing about the wedding after a few dates" thing, but it's not something I would then proceed to tell the other person because I know it's just fun romantic-stage stuff that I wouldn't want to actually happen at that point.
He doesn't seem to have that filter. I wouldn't mind any of the above things if they'd happened more slowly, but the fact that it happened within one month makes me feel suspicious because I can't comprehend how he can truly feel how he says he does after one month. I'm at the "I really like this guy" stage and that took three weeks to happen, which is the normal going-rate for me. It's going to be awhile before I can reciprocate the level of feelings he has for me.
Other than the above he's a great guy. We have fun, normal conversations, witty banter, blahblahblah, the usual. He has hobbies and activities and friends that don't involve me and we don't hang out every day. We do talk everyday but I don't mind that.
I told him that I wasn't sure I could trust him because of the quickness of things (left out the stuff about me doubting his feelings), and he told me his word is all he can give me. I know that's true but is there any intuition or something that I can read to figure out if he actually likes me or not?
Best answer: My boyfriend said he loved me two weeks after we started going out and I said it back three or four days later. And the feelings of love I had then were as strong and genuine as the ones I have now (nearly 16 years later), it wasn't just some fantasy. So yeah, it's definitely possible to fall that fast and I don't see that one thing as a problem. But it's also entirely reasonable for you not to fall as quickly or to feel that things are off or to just be on a different time scale.
If it is too weird for you or you really think there's more to your feeling than just straight numbers then maybe it's worth breaking up with him. But if all that's giving you pause is 'it's not possible to fall in love so soon' then I respectfully disagree, and suggest you put that unfounded prejudice aside for a bit and just see how things go. The something you read to find out if he likes you is time, it'll become clear one way or the other as things progress.
posted by shelleycat at 11:23 PM on June 25, 2010 [6 favorites]
If it is too weird for you or you really think there's more to your feeling than just straight numbers then maybe it's worth breaking up with him. But if all that's giving you pause is 'it's not possible to fall in love so soon' then I respectfully disagree, and suggest you put that unfounded prejudice aside for a bit and just see how things go. The something you read to find out if he likes you is time, it'll become clear one way or the other as things progress.
posted by shelleycat at 11:23 PM on June 25, 2010 [6 favorites]
I don't see why it matters whether we think a month is too soon. The important thing is: he clearly doesn't think it's too soon, and you clearly do think it's soon. You need to work this out between the two of you. My opinion is irrelevant.
posted by Jaltcoh at 11:25 PM on June 25, 2010 [7 favorites]
posted by Jaltcoh at 11:25 PM on June 25, 2010 [7 favorites]
he immediately changed his social networking statuses to 'in a relationship' and changed his facebook picture & phone wallpaper to a photo of us.
I think this is immature and clingy, but I would probably think that after several months as well.
Invited me to family activities in what I felt was too short a time.
I have never thought of family activities as much of a bigger deal than activities with friends.
he told me he'd cried over the break-up.
Some people would cry over any rejection. That doesn't mean that he is into you too much.
is there any intuition or something that I can read to figure out if he actually likes me or not?
Seriously? Of course he really likes you. Your worry that this might be temporary is justified, though. The only way to find out is time.
posted by grouse at 11:47 PM on June 25, 2010
I think this is immature and clingy, but I would probably think that after several months as well.
Invited me to family activities in what I felt was too short a time.
I have never thought of family activities as much of a bigger deal than activities with friends.
he told me he'd cried over the break-up.
Some people would cry over any rejection. That doesn't mean that he is into you too much.
is there any intuition or something that I can read to figure out if he actually likes me or not?
Seriously? Of course he really likes you. Your worry that this might be temporary is justified, though. The only way to find out is time.
posted by grouse at 11:47 PM on June 25, 2010
It's not that this is too soon in any sort of general sense. As Jaltcoh said, your problem is that it is too soon for you. He may have a shorter decision tree than you do, or he may not see the need for the same relational gestation period that you do. Or maybe his feeling are genuine and uncomplicated, and you really are the person of his dreams. There's nothing wrong with any of that, but it's a different mind set than your own. Talk with him about this in a way that's constructive and non-confrontational.
Be honest. And listen carefully to his answers.
posted by mosk at 11:47 PM on June 25, 2010 [1 favorite]
Be honest. And listen carefully to his answers.
posted by mosk at 11:47 PM on June 25, 2010 [1 favorite]
Dudes sometimes start off much hotter than femmes, but then cool down. Femmes sometimes take a lot longer to warm up, but when they do, it's almost impossible to shake them, even when the guy turns out to be a total douche (and he's cooled down). It's like, this evolutionary thing of the dude wanted to score with as many partners as possible and the femme wanting to find a stable, long-term mate - BUT are attracted to the moron that has an IQ akin to brocolli but looks dangerous - or, whatever. It's like, the two roles are never supposed to be filled by the same dude.
So his and your feelings are sort of fitting that model, pretty well.
Guys are goofy. Femmes are - I dunno, about 1,000x smarter when it comes to dealing and being long-term partners.
posted by alex_skazat at 11:48 PM on June 25, 2010 [1 favorite]
So his and your feelings are sort of fitting that model, pretty well.
Guys are goofy. Femmes are - I dunno, about 1,000x smarter when it comes to dealing and being long-term partners.
posted by alex_skazat at 11:48 PM on June 25, 2010 [1 favorite]
It sounds to me as if he definitely likes you. Yes, his vision of you is made rosier by infatuation, but that doesn't mean his affection and excitement aren't based on what he knows about you so far. Clearly, after a month, he doesn't have the kind of love for you that people have for one another after years together, but that doesn't mean his feelings are illegitimate, either. It's possible that his feelings will fade when the first blush of passion wears off, but on the other hand maybe they'll deepen and mature into a more profound attachment. There's no way to know -- just like there's no way to know how the other person's emotions (or your own!) will change over the course of any relationship. I don't think the fact that he's ahead of you with the falling in love is a danger sign or reason for particular concern. There isn't a standard or right length of time for those things to take, and I don't think how quickly one falls in love is necessarily correlated with how apt one is to fall out of it, or how willing one is to put real effort into making things work.
One possibility is that these things (meeting family members, saying "love you") simply mean something different to him than they do to you, in terms of seriousness and commitment. You write: I've felt the same way and have done the whole "fantasizing about the wedding after a few dates" thing, but it's not something I would then proceed to tell the other person because I know it's just fun romantic-stage stuff that I wouldn't want to actually happen at that point. Maybe this guy just wants to share and express those fun, giddy feelings with you, and he's not trying to say that you're his one true love and he wants to get married next week. You may just be accustomed to different styles of communication and pacing.
On the other hand, maybe you should be concerned -- if you don't feel there's much chance you'll ever be head-over-heels for this guy, or if you feel that he doesn't really get you. If your fear about his being in love with love rather than with you is coming from a sense that he doesn't connect well with you, or that he doesn't really understand or retain what you tell him about yourself and the things that matter to you, or that you don't really click with him in your conversations, that's something to worry about. But the timing, on its own, doesn't strike me as a red flag.
posted by unsub at 11:49 PM on June 25, 2010 [2 favorites]
One possibility is that these things (meeting family members, saying "love you") simply mean something different to him than they do to you, in terms of seriousness and commitment. You write: I've felt the same way and have done the whole "fantasizing about the wedding after a few dates" thing, but it's not something I would then proceed to tell the other person because I know it's just fun romantic-stage stuff that I wouldn't want to actually happen at that point. Maybe this guy just wants to share and express those fun, giddy feelings with you, and he's not trying to say that you're his one true love and he wants to get married next week. You may just be accustomed to different styles of communication and pacing.
On the other hand, maybe you should be concerned -- if you don't feel there's much chance you'll ever be head-over-heels for this guy, or if you feel that he doesn't really get you. If your fear about his being in love with love rather than with you is coming from a sense that he doesn't connect well with you, or that he doesn't really understand or retain what you tell him about yourself and the things that matter to you, or that you don't really click with him in your conversations, that's something to worry about. But the timing, on its own, doesn't strike me as a red flag.
posted by unsub at 11:49 PM on June 25, 2010 [2 favorites]
If he really is head over heels, this seems like a a consistent way to act, so you have to consider the possibility that he means what he says. Your interpretation also seems plasuible too, though, and I don't know what sort of hints you could pick up that might tell you which is really happening.
Two suggestions:
1. Find out about his past relationships and see if this is a pattern for him or not.
2. Just date him and see what happens. Don't sabotage the relationship though; for this to work you are going to have to decide to interpret his behavior as if he means what he says, until he gives you a reason not to.
posted by PercussivePaul at 11:51 PM on June 25, 2010 [1 favorite]
Two suggestions:
1. Find out about his past relationships and see if this is a pattern for him or not.
2. Just date him and see what happens. Don't sabotage the relationship though; for this to work you are going to have to decide to interpret his behavior as if he means what he says, until he gives you a reason not to.
posted by PercussivePaul at 11:51 PM on June 25, 2010 [1 favorite]
I told him I didn't want to see him anymore at one point (knee-jerk reaction from me about an entirely different issue)
This sticks out to me, it seems much more out of the ordinary than his behavior. I mean, of course his clinginess is a bit annoying, but an out-of-the-blue breakup after a mere four weeks? That sounds so...random.
I told him that I wasn't sure I could trust him
Projection, maybe? "In classical psychology, projection is seen as a defense mechanism that occurs when a person's own unacceptable or threatening feelings are repressed and then attributed to someone else."
To me, this guy just sounds really nice. Not everyone likes nice guys, though. That's OK.
posted by The Toad at 11:59 PM on June 25, 2010 [2 favorites]
This sticks out to me, it seems much more out of the ordinary than his behavior. I mean, of course his clinginess is a bit annoying, but an out-of-the-blue breakup after a mere four weeks? That sounds so...random.
I told him that I wasn't sure I could trust him
Projection, maybe? "In classical psychology, projection is seen as a defense mechanism that occurs when a person's own unacceptable or threatening feelings are repressed and then attributed to someone else."
To me, this guy just sounds really nice. Not everyone likes nice guys, though. That's OK.
posted by The Toad at 11:59 PM on June 25, 2010 [2 favorites]
If I were in your shoes, I'd feel a little creeped out too, but then I'm pretty cautious with my emotions. Maybe he is genuine, but his behaviour does strike me as 'being in love with love'. Trust your gut. And don't go to a big sporting event with him, just in case ...
posted by essexjan at 12:19 AM on June 26, 2010 [1 favorite]
posted by essexjan at 12:19 AM on June 26, 2010 [1 favorite]
It may be going against popular opinion, but honey I'm here to tell you, listen to your gut. If it feels too soon and it's weirding you out, maybe you need some distance? Would he still love you if you didn't want to be friends on facebook? Would he still love you if you only saw him once a week?
I know that from my personal experience it's fair to say that I am not really capable of loving someone after two months. I can deeply care about them, and indeed be enamored which it would seem your boy is, but love is something that requires a connection forged over time. There are too many things unknown in such a short relationship. Is he younger than you by any chance? To my eyes he is caught in a dream (and a familiar one at that, I've been there) and is infatuated.
Do with that, and with your instinct, what you will. All I know is that instinct is there for a reason, it often can peer past the niceties of daily life and interpersonal reactions to deeper veins. Do you know what he's thinking? Does he know what you're thinking? I doubt it. He may be a romantic, in which case this could be the way he deals with every relationship. Also consider how many relationships he has had. Try asking him to describe what it is about you that he loves so dearly. In my experience love is never 100% rose petals and candy canes, there have to be things that you each find terribly irritating but loveable nonetheless. It is up to you, and only you, to determine how you'd like to go about things. Protect yourself, be aware of the messages you send and the ones you receive, but above all listen to your instinct.
posted by wild like kudzu at 12:51 AM on June 26, 2010 [1 favorite]
I know that from my personal experience it's fair to say that I am not really capable of loving someone after two months. I can deeply care about them, and indeed be enamored which it would seem your boy is, but love is something that requires a connection forged over time. There are too many things unknown in such a short relationship. Is he younger than you by any chance? To my eyes he is caught in a dream (and a familiar one at that, I've been there) and is infatuated.
Do with that, and with your instinct, what you will. All I know is that instinct is there for a reason, it often can peer past the niceties of daily life and interpersonal reactions to deeper veins. Do you know what he's thinking? Does he know what you're thinking? I doubt it. He may be a romantic, in which case this could be the way he deals with every relationship. Also consider how many relationships he has had. Try asking him to describe what it is about you that he loves so dearly. In my experience love is never 100% rose petals and candy canes, there have to be things that you each find terribly irritating but loveable nonetheless. It is up to you, and only you, to determine how you'd like to go about things. Protect yourself, be aware of the messages you send and the ones you receive, but above all listen to your instinct.
posted by wild like kudzu at 12:51 AM on June 26, 2010 [1 favorite]
Best answer: I know a couple who proclaimed their love for each other after four days. Another after 9 months. People run at different speeds and it sucks when you're not moving at the same pace as the person you're dating. He doesn't seem super weird to me, but it's totally okay that it's moving too fast for you. You can ask him to slow it down some for sure. If I was him I'd be doing that anyway, if he can't sense that he's going too fast or at least test the waters a little before getting so expressive he might need some gentle coaching in the art of toning it down. If someone was overly into me I might be a little put off from feeling pressured, especially if he's telling you he cried - frankly that sounds kind of guilt-trippy to me.
Your age might also inform how freaked out you get about this stuff. I was way more impulsively in love at 20 when I was at 30. When I got together with my SO ten years ago we were using the L word after two weeks. If I was to start dating someone now, that would not happen for a good long while. I suspect.
posted by scuza at 2:59 AM on June 26, 2010
Your age might also inform how freaked out you get about this stuff. I was way more impulsively in love at 20 when I was at 30. When I got together with my SO ten years ago we were using the L word after two weeks. If I was to start dating someone now, that would not happen for a good long while. I suspect.
posted by scuza at 2:59 AM on June 26, 2010
What's his relationship history like? How quickly did he fall for your predecessors? How long did the relationships last? What were the breakups about and who initiated them?
posted by Obscure Reference at 4:26 AM on June 26, 2010 [1 favorite]
posted by Obscure Reference at 4:26 AM on June 26, 2010 [1 favorite]
Best answer: You know how baby ducks imprint on the first being they see, then follow it around as Mommy? It's instant, biological/neurologically destined, fundamental, and forever -- nothing shakes it.
And even though it's little stupid birds doing it, it's a very powerful force of nature and not at all to be dismissed.
Now, some boys will go from girl to girl, thinking they're in love instantly each time, then moving on quickly. But the first time they fell in love, who's to say it might not have been forever if the circumstances had been right? Maybe breaking that first bond makes it more difficult to attach later, or maybe some men are just flighty that way, or maybe some other personality trait made it impossible for him to sustain a relationship. That doesn't mean the love wasn't real, and sometimes, when this quick bond happens, the relationship does last.
What I do know is that sometimes (maybe often, even), a switch goes off and that's IT. This isn't always based on rational, we-believe-the-same-things decision making. But the commitment is *real*. If he's not a spoiled baby, he'll do whatever he can to make this work. There are a number of questions on AskMe from gentlemen, and sometimes ladies too, who are committed heart and soul to relationships that, to the rest of us, seem equivalent to sticking one's hand into fire five times a day.
So, it's happened to you. Are you obligated to marry the guy? Definitely not. But give it time and try not to feel pressured (impossible, I know). There's this kind of love, which is strong and real, and the kind that grows over time, also strong and real. But this first kind can also last, and can make it possible to form the second kind.
posted by amtho at 4:59 AM on June 26, 2010 [4 favorites]
And even though it's little stupid birds doing it, it's a very powerful force of nature and not at all to be dismissed.
Now, some boys will go from girl to girl, thinking they're in love instantly each time, then moving on quickly. But the first time they fell in love, who's to say it might not have been forever if the circumstances had been right? Maybe breaking that first bond makes it more difficult to attach later, or maybe some men are just flighty that way, or maybe some other personality trait made it impossible for him to sustain a relationship. That doesn't mean the love wasn't real, and sometimes, when this quick bond happens, the relationship does last.
What I do know is that sometimes (maybe often, even), a switch goes off and that's IT. This isn't always based on rational, we-believe-the-same-things decision making. But the commitment is *real*. If he's not a spoiled baby, he'll do whatever he can to make this work. There are a number of questions on AskMe from gentlemen, and sometimes ladies too, who are committed heart and soul to relationships that, to the rest of us, seem equivalent to sticking one's hand into fire five times a day.
So, it's happened to you. Are you obligated to marry the guy? Definitely not. But give it time and try not to feel pressured (impossible, I know). There's this kind of love, which is strong and real, and the kind that grows over time, also strong and real. But this first kind can also last, and can make it possible to form the second kind.
posted by amtho at 4:59 AM on June 26, 2010 [4 favorites]
Well, I'm with the OP on not trusting this depth of feeling so soon (which I think is what she's saying).
Sure, I've met guys and in the first few weeks I've been blown away by that very early super hot and heavy crush feeling. It's an amazing feeling and one to be savored. That sense of excitement and thrill...sure, it's absolutely one of the best feelings in the world!
But it's not love, and it seems like this is what's concerning the OP.
It's entirely possible that this fellow loves the feeling of being in love. Of course, it's possible that he's also never felt this way before. Not enough information here to know.
Worst case scenario: he's a guy who loves to fall in love and once he actually gets to know someone (not to be a damp blanket, but seriously, I don't believe that people can truly love someone after a month...you're still on "company manners" at this point and don't really know your paramour) and the glow wears off, he keeps looking to recreate that feeling with someone new.
If you want to give this guy a chance, you need to ask yourself if you're comfortable with the emotional outpouring (personally, at this stage in your game, I wouldn't be).
If you want to go for it, you should. But if this kind of icks you out, I'd move on and find the guy who matches your emotional pacing.
posted by dzaz at 5:10 AM on June 26, 2010 [1 favorite]
Sure, I've met guys and in the first few weeks I've been blown away by that very early super hot and heavy crush feeling. It's an amazing feeling and one to be savored. That sense of excitement and thrill...sure, it's absolutely one of the best feelings in the world!
But it's not love, and it seems like this is what's concerning the OP.
It's entirely possible that this fellow loves the feeling of being in love. Of course, it's possible that he's also never felt this way before. Not enough information here to know.
Worst case scenario: he's a guy who loves to fall in love and once he actually gets to know someone (not to be a damp blanket, but seriously, I don't believe that people can truly love someone after a month...you're still on "company manners" at this point and don't really know your paramour) and the glow wears off, he keeps looking to recreate that feeling with someone new.
If you want to give this guy a chance, you need to ask yourself if you're comfortable with the emotional outpouring (personally, at this stage in your game, I wouldn't be).
If you want to go for it, you should. But if this kind of icks you out, I'd move on and find the guy who matches your emotional pacing.
posted by dzaz at 5:10 AM on June 26, 2010 [1 favorite]
I sort of split the difference here -- I knew I was going to marry my husband after one date. (So did he, I later found out.) BUT THAT ONLY HAPPENS TO CRAZY PEOPLE. I made him wait a year before I'd consider getting engaged, and another year of engagement before we got married. I was putting the brakes on through the entire relationship because, as I flat-out told him, AXE-MURDERERS charm their girlfriends superfast and then hack them to pieces. Or they could. The point was, how was I going to know without enough time to learn he was an axe-murderer as well as super-charming?
Anyway, I don't see anything wrong with saying, "I really like you, but this is moving so fast I'm worried I'm not having enough time to get to know you and sort out my infatuation with you from my deeper feelings. So I need to slow down. In case you're actually an axe murderer. If we're right together, we have the rest of our lives." (You don't even have to say, "I'm having trouble figuring out if YOU can sort out your infatuation and actually know ME.") Don't make it sound like a break-up or a disappointment, but just like you want to be sure of your own feelings.
That will give you plenty of time to figure out if he's genuine, or if he's a creep. And frankly his reaction to "I need to slow down" will also give you a pretty good idea if he likes YOU and respects your feelings, or just really badly wants to be in SUPERLUV.
(Been married 8 years -- so far, no axe murdering.)
posted by Eyebrows McGee at 5:23 AM on June 26, 2010 [18 favorites]
Anyway, I don't see anything wrong with saying, "I really like you, but this is moving so fast I'm worried I'm not having enough time to get to know you and sort out my infatuation with you from my deeper feelings. So I need to slow down. In case you're actually an axe murderer. If we're right together, we have the rest of our lives." (You don't even have to say, "I'm having trouble figuring out if YOU can sort out your infatuation and actually know ME.") Don't make it sound like a break-up or a disappointment, but just like you want to be sure of your own feelings.
That will give you plenty of time to figure out if he's genuine, or if he's a creep. And frankly his reaction to "I need to slow down" will also give you a pretty good idea if he likes YOU and respects your feelings, or just really badly wants to be in SUPERLUV.
(Been married 8 years -- so far, no axe murdering.)
posted by Eyebrows McGee at 5:23 AM on June 26, 2010 [18 favorites]
I think falling in love that fast definitely shows some level of emotional immaturity, which wouldn't be an issue if you were on the same page -- the relationship would probably burn out quickly, but at least you both would have felt the same about each other.
But since it sounds like that's not the case, I don't think it's overthinking to listen to your sense that something is "off." I think the question is, how much do you like him? Let that dictate how much time and energy you give the relationship.
It can be really tempting to want to respond to someone loving you and convince yourself that you feel the same way, but it's not worth it.
The mention of axe-murderers above reminded me: a way less pyschopathic, but still damaging person to become involved with is a Narcissist. They move relationships along quickly and seem charming in the first few weeks of a relationship, but within a few months/years, you're stuck in a serious, life-sucking cycle. If there are any other red flags, listen to your gut.
(The list I link to is long, but "May propose love and marriage within only a few weeks of starting a relationship" and "Panics, cries, begs, and becomes emotional if he anticipates an end to a relationship" are two signs that you're dealing with a narcissist -- I may be totally off base, but I couldn't not suspect it!)
posted by bluestocking at 5:48 AM on June 26, 2010
But since it sounds like that's not the case, I don't think it's overthinking to listen to your sense that something is "off." I think the question is, how much do you like him? Let that dictate how much time and energy you give the relationship.
It can be really tempting to want to respond to someone loving you and convince yourself that you feel the same way, but it's not worth it.
The mention of axe-murderers above reminded me: a way less pyschopathic, but still damaging person to become involved with is a Narcissist. They move relationships along quickly and seem charming in the first few weeks of a relationship, but within a few months/years, you're stuck in a serious, life-sucking cycle. If there are any other red flags, listen to your gut.
(The list I link to is long, but "May propose love and marriage within only a few weeks of starting a relationship" and "Panics, cries, begs, and becomes emotional if he anticipates an end to a relationship" are two signs that you're dealing with a narcissist -- I may be totally off base, but I couldn't not suspect it!)
posted by bluestocking at 5:48 AM on June 26, 2010
Dudes sometimes start off much hotter than femmes, but then cool down. Femmes sometimes take a lot longer to warm up, but when they do, it's almost impossible to shake them, even when the guy turns out to be a total douche (and he's cooled down). ...
Guys are goofy. Femmes are - I dunno, about 1,000x smarter when it comes to dealing and being long-term partners.
I don't really know what you mean by this. Then again, I'm a man, so maybe I'm just not smart enough to understand it.
The OP's description sounds uncannily similar to a situation I was in, except that I (male) was in her shoes, and my girlfriend* was in the OP's boyfriend's shoes. So I don't think this comes down to gender. It might be comforting to fit your situation into a rigid gender framework, but I'm afraid life is more complicated than that. These things are unpredictable, and you have to take them one day at a time and treat each other as individuals, not stereotypes.
* She's now my ex-girlfriend, but our breakup didn't have anything to do with this difference in timing. If my experience is any guide, I would recommend just waiting this out and not making an issue out of it (for as long as you're reasonably comfortable even if it's not ideal).
posted by Jaltcoh at 6:15 AM on June 26, 2010
Guys are goofy. Femmes are - I dunno, about 1,000x smarter when it comes to dealing and being long-term partners.
I don't really know what you mean by this. Then again, I'm a man, so maybe I'm just not smart enough to understand it.
The OP's description sounds uncannily similar to a situation I was in, except that I (male) was in her shoes, and my girlfriend* was in the OP's boyfriend's shoes. So I don't think this comes down to gender. It might be comforting to fit your situation into a rigid gender framework, but I'm afraid life is more complicated than that. These things are unpredictable, and you have to take them one day at a time and treat each other as individuals, not stereotypes.
* She's now my ex-girlfriend, but our breakup didn't have anything to do with this difference in timing. If my experience is any guide, I would recommend just waiting this out and not making an issue out of it (for as long as you're reasonably comfortable even if it's not ideal).
posted by Jaltcoh at 6:15 AM on June 26, 2010
Best answer: Uh, yeah, basically I knew Miss unSane would become Mrs unSane on the first date (which wasn't even a date) but like eyebrows says, only crazy people think like that and they sure don't broadcast it because it is crazy. I do find all the HOO! LOOK AT ME I'M IN A RELATIONSHIP EVERYONE stuff really odd and to me it sounds as though at this point it is the idea of the relationship rather than the relationship itself which is important to him -- but that doesn't mean he doesn't have genuine feelings for you.
The fact that you decided to break up with him over something then changed your mind, while he is proclaiming love, sounds like a potential train wreck. At the least, the dynamics of the relationship seem unequal and that probably needs to be addressed.
posted by unSane at 7:10 AM on June 26, 2010 [1 favorite]
The fact that you decided to break up with him over something then changed your mind, while he is proclaiming love, sounds like a potential train wreck. At the least, the dynamics of the relationship seem unequal and that probably needs to be addressed.
posted by unSane at 7:10 AM on June 26, 2010 [1 favorite]
Best answer: It's very common to make up your mind immediately about someone. Whether romantic or social or professional, you know what you like and sometimes people just have that in spades. The more mature you get, the more often this is true - experience hones both your tastes and the accuracy of your first impressions.
Expressing that quick decision is another thing. Coming on too hot and heavy is a fundamental interpersonal error. A job applicant knows to demand a high salary, a girlfiend wonders if you're a psycho or just not good enough for her, etc.
While he might be a sociopath, far more likely OP's boyfriend is either young or geeky, and thus unable to know to throttle his expressions of affection more in line with expectations. These are eminently forgivable, and alas, many is the wife of a once-egregiously besotted geek or callow youth who now wishes her husband was more demonstrative of his love.
posted by MattD at 7:50 AM on June 26, 2010 [1 favorite]
Expressing that quick decision is another thing. Coming on too hot and heavy is a fundamental interpersonal error. A job applicant knows to demand a high salary, a girlfiend wonders if you're a psycho or just not good enough for her, etc.
While he might be a sociopath, far more likely OP's boyfriend is either young or geeky, and thus unable to know to throttle his expressions of affection more in line with expectations. These are eminently forgivable, and alas, many is the wife of a once-egregiously besotted geek or callow youth who now wishes her husband was more demonstrative of his love.
posted by MattD at 7:50 AM on June 26, 2010 [1 favorite]
I told the then-future Mrs. Beese that I loved her three days after our meet-up. Our 12th wedding anniversary is this week.
Sometimes Cupid packs a rocket launcher.
posted by Joe Beese at 7:55 AM on June 26, 2010 [2 favorites]
Sometimes Cupid packs a rocket launcher.
posted by Joe Beese at 7:55 AM on June 26, 2010 [2 favorites]
Best answer: I'm one of those people who tends to have very little emotional filter, and when I do feel emotions, I feel them very strongly.
And even if I'd been with a woman for only a few months, and she broke up with me out of the blue, I'd probably cry.
Chalk it up to people are different. If this is an issue for you, then it is. If it isn't, then it isn't. My single data point (or even the collective data points in this thread) aren't going to do anything but show you other examples of relationships where it was weird (or wasn't weird).
You may need someone that works on a different time frame as this guy - that's ok. Or you'll like him enough to stick around and let your feelings percolate while his continue.
On a more personal note, I asked my wife to marry me (only half-jokingly) after we'd been dating for a few days. But we'd also been best friends for four years before, with many of those "never single at the same time, oh well, wouldn't it be funny if we ever dated" issues. Just had our one year anniversary.
Bottom line - it's your choice, like Jaltcoh said. All we can do is point out what we'd do.
posted by SNWidget at 8:02 AM on June 26, 2010
And even if I'd been with a woman for only a few months, and she broke up with me out of the blue, I'd probably cry.
Chalk it up to people are different. If this is an issue for you, then it is. If it isn't, then it isn't. My single data point (or even the collective data points in this thread) aren't going to do anything but show you other examples of relationships where it was weird (or wasn't weird).
You may need someone that works on a different time frame as this guy - that's ok. Or you'll like him enough to stick around and let your feelings percolate while his continue.
On a more personal note, I asked my wife to marry me (only half-jokingly) after we'd been dating for a few days. But we'd also been best friends for four years before, with many of those "never single at the same time, oh well, wouldn't it be funny if we ever dated" issues. Just had our one year anniversary.
Bottom line - it's your choice, like Jaltcoh said. All we can do is point out what we'd do.
posted by SNWidget at 8:02 AM on June 26, 2010
BUT THAT ONLY HAPPENS TO CRAZY PEOPLE.
Yeah. I got crazy stupid in love with a guy after our first date (and he about me), and we got way too intense way too fast; neither of us was really comfortable with it. FWIW, a year and a half later we got engaged and we've been married ten years...but getting that serious that fast made us both uncertain. We made sure to sit back and be analytical as well as enjoying the moment as it came. Immediately crazy stupid in love is alarming.
On the other hand, I have a friend who met a guy who told her he wanted to marry her after 2 weeks. He moved into her life, started alienating her friends, then started leeching off her; she paid his car payment, his rent, bought him things. In essence, he was a con man. He kept her isolated so she was emotionally dependent on him, kept telling her he was devoted to her so she didn't have a chance to really think about what was going on, and wasn't willing to listen to anything negative about him... it was incredibly sad, especially when she finally walked in on him cheating on her.
So. Crazy stupid in love right away has a whole continuum of possibilities.
posted by galadriel at 8:05 AM on June 26, 2010
Yeah. I got crazy stupid in love with a guy after our first date (and he about me), and we got way too intense way too fast; neither of us was really comfortable with it. FWIW, a year and a half later we got engaged and we've been married ten years...but getting that serious that fast made us both uncertain. We made sure to sit back and be analytical as well as enjoying the moment as it came. Immediately crazy stupid in love is alarming.
On the other hand, I have a friend who met a guy who told her he wanted to marry her after 2 weeks. He moved into her life, started alienating her friends, then started leeching off her; she paid his car payment, his rent, bought him things. In essence, he was a con man. He kept her isolated so she was emotionally dependent on him, kept telling her he was devoted to her so she didn't have a chance to really think about what was going on, and wasn't willing to listen to anything negative about him... it was incredibly sad, especially when she finally walked in on him cheating on her.
So. Crazy stupid in love right away has a whole continuum of possibilities.
posted by galadriel at 8:05 AM on June 26, 2010
Is it possible to be head-over-heels with someone after a month of knowing them?
My parents got married 35 years ago after knowing each other for about 2-3 months.
There's nothing wrong with his feelings per se except that they don't seem to be reciprocated.
posted by milarepa at 8:16 AM on June 26, 2010 [1 favorite]
My parents got married 35 years ago after knowing each other for about 2-3 months.
There's nothing wrong with his feelings per se except that they don't seem to be reciprocated.
posted by milarepa at 8:16 AM on June 26, 2010 [1 favorite]
Best answer: While it seems a bit soon for him to be so into you (IMO), it's possible. The beginnings of a relationship are so fraught with indecision, and sometimes one doesn't know if they're coming or going. I tended to get really into relationships from date 1, so I know what that feels like. Turns out that I was into the IDEA of the relationship, which usually became evident after 6 months or so. Was so starved for the ideal partnership that I would ram square pegs into round holes, in hopes that this would be The One.
My SO professed love after 4 days, which threw me. I had made the decision (before we met in-person and were still communicating via email and phone) to use restraint this time, because dammit, I was not going to fall into the same old (self-laid) trap again. I told him that I cared for him and definitely saw this shaping up to be a potentially awesome thing, but I couldn't say in all honesty that I LOVED him. He understood and was not negatively affected by this. That, combined with other traits that I noticed about him (integrity, honesty, strong character , affection and very handy around the house, lol) all added up to a good bet for me. It was then I realized I did love him for him, not for the trappings or the Relationship I Had Been Seeking. We are now living together and building a life together. It's been less than a year since we met.
Point is, everyone behaves differently in these situations. Before I met him, I had convinced myself that all men were dogs and they were after one thing only, despite sweet words. I was wrong. Your guy's feelings could be genuinely legitimate. Do a little digging, talk about his previous relationships. If you see a similar pattern to what he's doing now, it could be cause for concern. Make sure YOU are into it as well, and if you are not, let him go easily. But do what is right for you, above all.
posted by mnb64 at 8:23 AM on June 26, 2010 [1 favorite]
My SO professed love after 4 days, which threw me. I had made the decision (before we met in-person and were still communicating via email and phone) to use restraint this time, because dammit, I was not going to fall into the same old (self-laid) trap again. I told him that I cared for him and definitely saw this shaping up to be a potentially awesome thing, but I couldn't say in all honesty that I LOVED him. He understood and was not negatively affected by this. That, combined with other traits that I noticed about him (integrity, honesty, strong character , affection and very handy around the house, lol) all added up to a good bet for me. It was then I realized I did love him for him, not for the trappings or the Relationship I Had Been Seeking. We are now living together and building a life together. It's been less than a year since we met.
Point is, everyone behaves differently in these situations. Before I met him, I had convinced myself that all men were dogs and they were after one thing only, despite sweet words. I was wrong. Your guy's feelings could be genuinely legitimate. Do a little digging, talk about his previous relationships. If you see a similar pattern to what he's doing now, it could be cause for concern. Make sure YOU are into it as well, and if you are not, let him go easily. But do what is right for you, above all.
posted by mnb64 at 8:23 AM on June 26, 2010 [1 favorite]
Best answer: I know a couple who got married two months after meeting each other. They've been married for 25 years and are still in love with each other. There is no right or wrong here.
posted by smorange at 8:29 AM on June 26, 2010
posted by smorange at 8:29 AM on June 26, 2010
Best answer: I knew when I shook gingerbeer's hand that she was The One. I babbled incessently to friends within about a week. We spent hours on the phone and exchanged a zillion heartfelt emails (it was a long-distance relationship at first; I moved 3000 miles after six months). Yesterday - or tomorrow, depending on how you count it - will be our 10th anniversary.
So different people are different. You're not bad for feeling cautious, but he's not bad either for expressing how he feels. Maybe you're not a match, in the end. Maybe you are. But don't judge him too hard for acting differently!
posted by rtha at 8:56 AM on June 26, 2010 [5 favorites]
So different people are different. You're not bad for feeling cautious, but he's not bad either for expressing how he feels. Maybe you're not a match, in the end. Maybe you are. But don't judge him too hard for acting differently!
posted by rtha at 8:56 AM on June 26, 2010 [5 favorites]
Best answer: Guy here. I used to get like this. Once I fell for someone there was no tamping down the emotions. Eventually, I found someone just like me and there were fireworks. We knew we wanted to get married in 2 weeks. Married Mrs. Bagpiper after 6 weeks. We've been happy for 18 years now. You two sound like you have different rates of burn. He's a fast fuse, you're a slow fuse. He will eventually settle down and be more mellow, you can't sustain that kind of intense emotion forever. As to whether you can trust him, you're right, it does take longer than a month to build that sort of trust. But that goes both ways. He's actually in the more precarious situation at the moment, being blinded by love. When it comes down to it, all you can do is control your own actions. If it's too intense for you too fast, tell him. It's all a crap shoot anyway. Trying to predict how someone will turn out years down the road is impossible. Good luck and I hope it turns out for you.
posted by davismbagpiper at 8:58 AM on June 26, 2010
posted by davismbagpiper at 8:58 AM on June 26, 2010
Is it possible to be head-over-heels with someone after a month of knowing them?
yes.
posted by archivist at 9:28 AM on June 26, 2010
yes.
posted by archivist at 9:28 AM on June 26, 2010
You really want to look at his past relationships. That will tell you something. If this is a pattern, you want to be wary.
posted by winna at 9:37 AM on June 26, 2010 [3 favorites]
posted by winna at 9:37 AM on June 26, 2010 [3 favorites]
Best answer: Chalk me up as another one who thinks it's possible to fall in love within a month. We were a thing two weeks after meeting, and I knew I was in love within a month, though I probably waited two months to say the actual words "I love you." We met each other's families within the first month, if we'd had Facebook we would have changed our statuses, etc etc. We've been together for nearly six years and married for nearly two. BTW my husband replied at length to one of your previous questions.
We were moving at the same speed, though, and you're entirely justified in telling him to slow down.
posted by desjardins at 10:31 AM on June 26, 2010
We were moving at the same speed, though, and you're entirely justified in telling him to slow down.
posted by desjardins at 10:31 AM on June 26, 2010
Response by poster: Thanks everyone - I can't begin to tell you how much hearing from you has helped ease my fears. It's good to know this isn't particularly abnormal.
posted by biochemist at 1:36 PM on June 26, 2010
posted by biochemist at 1:36 PM on June 26, 2010
I think the problem is that he likes you more than you like him. If you also liked him so much then you wouldn't have that uneasy feeling. Listen to the feeling and find a guy that you like better.
If you both feel the same way then no time is too short and it feels like you're walking on sunshine in fields of bright flowers on top of the world!
posted by meepmeow at 1:36 PM on June 26, 2010
If you both feel the same way then no time is too short and it feels like you're walking on sunshine in fields of bright flowers on top of the world!
posted by meepmeow at 1:36 PM on June 26, 2010
He could easily be eager to be a relationship with you but, from what you have reported, he also has some traits that are early signs of a physically or verbally abusive partner. I'm not trying to scare you, but some men that are eager to know everything about you and want to move quickly into a serious relationship can be a very bad sign. They usually come off as "the perfect guy" until you move in, get married, or do something that signifies serious committment and before you know it, you're trapped. With that being said, I have a few questions:
1) Is he working, what does he do? Police officers, independent business owners, or anyone that seeks occupations with power/contror is a red flag.
2) How does he treat his mom? Does he talk about her in a respectful way? That's usually a window into his "real" sense of women.
3) How does he talk about ex-girlfriends? A future abuser will usually be very disrespectful when describing his ex's. It's also common for the ex's to still be a part of his life.
4) When something goes wrong, who does he blame? These type of men will never take responsibilty for failure. It will always be someone else's fault and 99% of the time, that's you.
5) How did your father treat your mother? Women that stay with abusive men (verbal and physical) almost always have fathers that were abusive to their spouse growing up (Be honest). Young girls learn that this behavior is acceptable.
6) And the biggie- Have you ever been in an abusive relationship before? If not treated, abused women will ALMOST ALWAYS go from one abusive relationship to another.
And just so everyone knows what abuse looks like -
The obvious- Hitting, slapping, grabbing, choking
Not so obvious- Poked, restrained from leaving, being called bitch, fat, stupid, worthless
Again, I'm not labeling your boyfriend as abusive, I'm just trying to ask a few questions that really every women should ask themselves before committing to a relationship.
If he doesn't fit the profile for this type of man, good luck with your decision. If he does, your best course of action is to get counseling right away. MeMail me if you need any help.
Brian
posted by WhiteWhale at 5:04 PM on June 26, 2010
1) Is he working, what does he do? Police officers, independent business owners, or anyone that seeks occupations with power/contror is a red flag.
2) How does he treat his mom? Does he talk about her in a respectful way? That's usually a window into his "real" sense of women.
3) How does he talk about ex-girlfriends? A future abuser will usually be very disrespectful when describing his ex's. It's also common for the ex's to still be a part of his life.
4) When something goes wrong, who does he blame? These type of men will never take responsibilty for failure. It will always be someone else's fault and 99% of the time, that's you.
5) How did your father treat your mother? Women that stay with abusive men (verbal and physical) almost always have fathers that were abusive to their spouse growing up (Be honest). Young girls learn that this behavior is acceptable.
6) And the biggie- Have you ever been in an abusive relationship before? If not treated, abused women will ALMOST ALWAYS go from one abusive relationship to another.
And just so everyone knows what abuse looks like -
The obvious- Hitting, slapping, grabbing, choking
Not so obvious- Poked, restrained from leaving, being called bitch, fat, stupid, worthless
Again, I'm not labeling your boyfriend as abusive, I'm just trying to ask a few questions that really every women should ask themselves before committing to a relationship.
If he doesn't fit the profile for this type of man, good luck with your decision. If he does, your best course of action is to get counseling right away. MeMail me if you need any help.
Brian
posted by WhiteWhale at 5:04 PM on June 26, 2010
I relate to your boyfriend. I have fallen for people very quickly. This scares them when I express it. But in and of itself is someone being crazy for you a good reason to get rid of them?
It may be different than what you have experienced before, but I would stick with it and see what happens. Maybe he's just a very passionate person who is crazy about you. And maybe you are just an amazing person, so he fell so quickly. Sounds like it could be an awesome adventure!
posted by chocolatemilkshakes at 6:33 PM on July 2, 2010
It may be different than what you have experienced before, but I would stick with it and see what happens. Maybe he's just a very passionate person who is crazy about you. And maybe you are just an amazing person, so he fell so quickly. Sounds like it could be an awesome adventure!
posted by chocolatemilkshakes at 6:33 PM on July 2, 2010
Response by poster: Update - but even though it didn't turn out well I'm still glad I took the chance.
posted by biochemist at 7:30 PM on September 18, 2010
posted by biochemist at 7:30 PM on September 18, 2010
This thread is closed to new comments.
posted by nosila at 11:18 PM on June 25, 2010 [2 favorites]