Help me be nicer to myself.

June 18, 2010 7:56 PM

How can I be more confident, truly accept compliments, and stop obsessing about my appearance?

Ever since I was a little kid, people (strangers, friends, parents' friends) have been telling me I'm attractive, and sometimes go out of their way to tell me, but I have a hard time believing it. When I look in the mirror I see someone who is...not ugly..but nowhere near as attractive as people make me seem from what they say/how they act. Anytime someone compliments me on my looks I'm so pleased/grateful but then a little voice in my head says "They're just saying that because they're your friend/family so they have to" or "He probably hits on everyone so he doesn't mean it" or "He's just saying that to sleep with me" or I just think they're exaggerating. I have a hard time accepting they truly mean what they say.

Because of this insecurity (and maybe because people are always commenting on my looks so I know it's something they notice) it's become a bit obsessive how much care I take into my appearance. I don't want to leave the house without looking "perfect." I almost feel like I'm disappointing people if I look bad. If I think my face looks bloated that day or I have some acne I won't want to go out because I'll think people will be focusing on my imperfections and be grossed out.

Possibly relevant information- I'm 21, Asian American, female, average weight, college student, and have casually dated guys but never had a boyfriend.

I'm really sick of beating myself up all the time. How can I get rid of these nasty thoughts and start loving myself?

Note: I'm looking for options other than therapy as I am moving to a non-English speaking country for a year at the end of this month. Thanks so much in advance MetaFites. I hope I don't come off as cocky or fishing for compliments, because that is not my intention at all.

posted by anonymous to Health & Fitness (13 answers total)

Think about how you want someone to feel when you give them a compliment. You're not trying to get something from them or manipulate them... You want them to make them feel good by pointing out something you admire about them, or something you think is cool/special. You are giving them a little verbal gift, trying to brighten their day.

Now, think about this when someone gives you a compliment. Reverse the role. Think about how you would want someone to take your compliment (sincerely and without questioning the motive), and try to respond the way you would want to have your compliment responded to. It never hurts to respond with a little compliment in kind, either.

It may be hard at first, but give it try and you can begin to learn how to accept compliments graciously instead of feeling awkward or uncomfortable about it.
posted by Menthol at 8:11 PM on June 18, 2010

I don't know what non-English-speaking country you are moving to, or for what reason, but may I offer a suggestion that really helped me -

A good way to stop obsessing over your skin or weight or hair is to spend some weeks (or months, if you can swing it) in a place with no mirrors. Preferably volunteering with people who don't have the luxury of USA-style vanity. You will have to rough it, and you'll get over your beauty routine really fast when faced with the lifestyles of the world's poor.

If it's not possible for you go to a developing country for even a short time, try working with underprivileged kids in your city. Or volunteering in a hospital or nursing home. Go without wearing makeup, without spending hours on your hair.

As you do this, you will start to see beauty beyond the superficial and appreciation beyond your own looks.

PS - I hope this doesn't come off as me insinuating that you are being selfish. I'm not - our media-saturated society forces women into constant worry over their looks. I think, sadly, that it's normal to be self-conscious. We live surrounded by an unattainable standard of beauty!

I'm just saying that when you can remove yourself, even for a short time, from the world of advertisements/magazines/tv/street stranger compliments you might be able to re-prioritize.
posted by funfetti at 8:22 PM on June 18, 2010

Some things that have helped me:

*I think I used to believe that if I looked good enough, I'd feel good
enough. Think of the people you know who are beautiful but don't seem
to feel as fabulous as you think they should. Remember that beauty is
not an insurance policy against getting hurt or a guarantee of being
loved (Tiger Woods' wife for eg)

*Imagine if you were in an accident tomorrow, and your face was
disfigured, how much you'd wish you'd enjoyed the face you have now.
Further, what aspects of yourself would you still feel good about?
Would you still be a loving person? What things that you love doing
now could you not do? Chances are it wouldn't stop you doing anything,
you could still be a happy person and enjoy your life without the
compliments about your looks - so give yourself permission to do that
now

*Remember that the things you hate about your appearance aren't a big
deal to other people. Eg I was always obsessed with the fact that I
didn't have a flat stomach, so I didn't think having nice legs
counted, cos my legs had always been fine. But some girls measure
themselves by the shape of their legs, but don't count their stomach. Everyone has things they like and things they'd rather were a bit different.

*Sport - focus on what your body can DO rather than how it looks

*Make a pact with yourself, and if possible, your girlfriends, not to put down your own looks. It's such an accepted style of female bonding to reject
compliments with self deprecation "oh my hair? No, it's awful, I'd
much rather have your lovely red hair", "yeah but my skin is
terrible!", or "the best thing about this dress is it hides my lumpy
thighs" etc - which just makes us all feel obliged to feel bad about
ourselves. Remember that by feeling good about yourself "as is" with
all your imperfections, you are giving other women in your life
permission to do the same. I think a lot of us picked up the idea that
we were not ok from our mothers, aunts etc saying *they* were not ok.
Fake it til you make it.

*If you've always been complimented on your looks, it's easy to start
self-identifying with that and being afraid to lose it, or feeling
like you have to live up to it. I think it's like “they obviously value this about me – without this, what value would I have?” Consciously decide that YOU will choose what you're about - others can think what they like.

*Remember you're getting older so by society's standards you're going
to be losing your beauty more and more every day. Decide how much
meaning you're going to attach to that.

*Read "The Beauty Myth" by Naomi Wolf, watch Joy Nash's Fat Rant on
YouTube, read Kate Harding's "Fantasy of Being Thin" blog post - sorry for lack
of urls, I'm on my phone. I know these last 2 are weight oriented but
the message is the same - your life is now!

*Keep a photo of yourself as a toddler or very young child somewhere you can refer to often - how would you talk to that little girl? Would you tell her she has to be beautiful "enough"? Can you see things in her that are already beautiful?

*Remember that if someone spoke to you the way you sometimes speak to yourself, you would think they were being awful and unfair and you wouldn't want to be around them. Treat yourself the way you'd treat your friends.

*Think of the people in your life you love the most - are they perfect
looking? Think of some people who radiate beauty but are not exactly model
material - and think of some people who have all the hallmarks of
physical attractiveness but just don't have that shine to them - why?
Most of us know women whose beauty only became apparent when we got to
know what kind, generous people they are, and women whose beauty
became boring when we saw how they talked down to people or behaved selfishly. There's definitely a level of beauty that transcends physical features.
posted by Chrysalis at 9:44 PM on June 18, 2010

About the foreign country thing. Depending on where it is there may be therapists there that can help. Either westerners or people from the country you're going to that have studied abroad. So don't rule it out.
posted by bindasj at 9:53 PM on June 18, 2010

Beauty always involves suspending disbelief. Everyone knows that behind even the most beautiful face, there's a bunch of disgusting veins, blood, muscles and bone, but this knowledge is suppressed so we can appreciate beauty. This is why the "girls don't poop" joke is funny -- of course girls poop, but this biological fact is censored so that men can take them for angels or whatever. This explains why you focus on the disgusting reality of your body, acne, bloatedness, etc. There's a gap between what men take you to be -- a imaginary radiant vision, etc. -- and the real of what you know yourself to be.

Another metaphor for this gap between the imaginary and the real is a film. From the position of the audience, we are absorbed into a more or less consistent fictional universe, accepting the characters, locations and plot--what is called the diegetic world. But we know that reality is completely different. From the perspective of the director, the characters are really actors pretending, the locations are actually covered with cameras, lighting and cable which don't appear in the film, the action doesn't take place in one continuous 2 hour stream, it's really several months of filming which is then reconstructed in the editing room, etc. In this metaphor, the position of the director corresponds to the disgusting reality of the body which is censored; disbelief is suspended so that we can enjoy the fiction of a storyline or beautiful face.

Your problem is that you want there to be no fiction. This is like walking out of a movie because you've discovered that it's fake, or insisting on only watching documentaries or something. This is silly because everyone knows its a fiction, just like everyone knows you aren't really what you appear to be. You don't have to worry too much about them finding out the truth, because most men are trying very, very hard to keep themselves from that knowledge.
posted by AlsoMike at 10:10 PM on June 18, 2010

Anytime someone compliments me on my looks I'm so pleased/grateful but then a little voice in my head says "They're just saying that because they're your friend/family so they have to" or "He probably hits on everyone so he doesn't mean it" or "He's just saying that to sleep with me" or I just think they're exaggerating. I have a hard time accepting they truly mean what they say.

What on earth do allllll those people stand to gain by buttering you up? Sure, there are jerks in the world that give disingenuous compliments, but really, most people wouldn't think to go to the trouble.
posted by desuetude at 10:42 PM on June 18, 2010

Practice. Most people do not know how to accept compliments gracefully, & are too worried about responding appropriately than focusing on the gift the compliment actually is. When someone compliments you, take a beat to truly receive their words, smile & thank them for the compliment, & reciprocate if you genuinely think something complimentary about them. Many of us have a tendency to deflect, self-deprecate, and shrug these things off, but really accepting the positive, loving, and accuracy of what people are saying in those moments is the only way to respond in a not only acceptable but also truly enjoyable way for everyone. I agree that thinking about how you want others to receive compliments you give them would be a huge help.

Also, trust that your bad hair or bloaty days are significant to absolutely no one but you. Most people think you look absolutely fine on those days. It only becomes obvious if *you* make it obvious, & even then, it's not necessarily that it's true, but that the negativity and insecurity can get hella annoying wicked fast. We all have those days, and yes, many of us even reach the "I don't want to leave the house" moment at times, but keep in mind that a)it happens to everyone, b)unless you are truly, severely physically ill, no one else is seeing what you see, & c) it will pass because it isn't really a reflection of reality but of the negative place you are in at that moment whether it's stemming from emotional, psychological, chemical, or hormonal influences.

I don't know if that's helpful because I'm a bit addle-brained at the moment, but basically practice accepting the awesome things people say to you about you and truly believing that is the way things are. Also, remind yourself, while you may admire a friend's beauty, you would not stop caring about them simply if they did not look their best, even for a prolonged period of time. That is actually a two-way street. Dear friends will be quick to acknowledge & compliment your positive attributes, but it is really the intangible and inexpressible that makes them happy to claim you as a friend or loved one.
posted by katemcd at 10:47 PM on June 18, 2010

It just seems to me that you need to feel more comfortable in your skin, warts (or zits) and all. Own the fact that you have attractive features. Own the fact that your face is bloated today or that you have a zit. Own the fact that you know how to make yourself look good. People really can't tell if your face is bloated, or care that you have a zit. If people compliment you on your looks, say "thank you" and leave it at that. You don't owe them anything other than to let you know that they appreciate their comment. Maybe because people tell you you're attractive, you think that they have expectations that you have to be a wonderful, brilliant, thoughtful person as well - that your whole self has to match up to their perception of your looks. And that you're not allowed to have flaws (and therefore be ugly, rather than just look ugly), like be in a grumpy mood one day, or snap at people when you're tired. I'm just guessing.
posted by foxjacket at 11:10 PM on June 18, 2010

Resolve to speak to yourself the way you'd speak to your imaginary younger sister or daughter - you most likely would not crush her spirit with cruel things like your small voice is saying to you, so don't accept that voice for yourself. If you do choose to parent someday, this skill - acceptance without underlying criticism - will be one of the most valuable things you can offer your child. It's worth learning how to tune out the small critical voice, because it's not doing you any good.
posted by judith at 11:18 PM on June 18, 2010

First of all, you don't come off as either cocky or fishing for compliments. You have a perfectly legitimate issue here, and I absolutely understand that you're in...not exactly a "bad" place, but one that doesn't feel comfortable. Consider:

America's advertising/marketing culture is focused, more or less entirely, upon appearance. This culture is also inescapable. I'm not necessarily here to deliver a diatribe upon selling appearances, but I've actually researched this before (and I admit that at this late hour, I'm far too lazy to link in this answer. I can send you some studies if you like - let me know). In essence, American women are taught that appearance matters above all else...but it's an extremely insidious kind of "teaching." Logically/intellectually, we all know that no one worth our time should give a damn if we have a zit or if our hair isn't fantastically free of flyways, etc etc. But emotionally, dare I say atavistically, we can be made to believe that it DOES matter. It matters more than ANYTHING in the whole world. Otherwise, why would the good, considerate folks at Dove (to name one) expend all these valuable resources to tell us that REAL women are LOVELY...but only if they don't have armpits which are rendered unsightly by the application of non-Dove deodorant? You don't look like the digitally altered alien-type ladies in ads for beauty products? Spend some cash, and you will! They sell you an "identity" by appealing to the fact that what we look like is, inescapably, a part of who we are.

Which leads me to my second point. You are 21 years old, which is, well, young. I'm not trying to condescend - far from it. When I was 21, I was very much still in the process of trying to form an identity and trying (often unsuccessfully) to pick and choose which input I received from others should go toward the formation of that identity and which should be discarded. And, as stated above, looks become a part of that identity whether we want them to or not. They will, because that's the world we live in and that's how certain people will choose to judge ANYONE they meet, not just you.

So now I'll try and put these two points together. You're coming of age in a culture that sends extremely contradictory messages about what's important in a young woman (and increasingly in a young man as well). It can be well-nigh impossible at times to avoid the influence of what we're told we're "supposed to be like." We're being sold a remedy for every single conceivable imperfection that a human being could possibly have, while at the same time being told to just be ourselves because that's what will get everyone to like us. WTF?? It makes perfect sense that when you receive compliments on your appearance, you would be kind of ambivalent about it. "Is this all I'm worth? If I have a zit, does that mean I can't be myself? Why can't this random dude at the grocery store compliment me on my savvy move in going for the cereal that was on sale, rather than my lovely eyes?"

Well, no, it's not all you're worth. A zit does not make you an inferior person. The dude thinks you're beautiful and could care less what kind of cereal you buy. I realize these seem like flip responses to a serious question, but I will also point out that I'm 11 years older than you and have been through, in a way, the same thing. It is very hard to separate looks from worth when you're not even really sure what you're worth yet and when everything and everyone around you is all LOOKS LOOKS LOOKS. But as you mature and discover yourself and discover more and more really cool people, you'll basically outgrow this uncomfortable feeling. You'll be grateful for the physical appearance that you have because it's YOURS, not because someone else likes it/does not like it/falls over in a swoon because of it. It took me a long time getting there, but I am now more comfortable in my skin than I could have ever imagined being when I was your age, and that skin has a tendency to break out in zits at inconvenient moments, too. The fact that you even asked this question shows a degree of self-awareness that makes me think this moment will come for you sooner than later.
posted by deep thought sunstar at 1:46 AM on June 19, 2010

Do people compliment you on anything other than your appearance? You are pretty and somewhat exotic-looking compared with most people around you, so people are going to notice your looks and comment on them. If all (or most) of what you hear from others is that your looks are valuable, it's difficult to develop a sense of self-worth that goes beyond what you look like.

Getting away from US culture (which is, as other have said above, strongly appearance oriented) for a year is a great opportunity for you. With less focus on your looks, you'll be able to show others and yourself areas of strength that have gone mostly unnoticed up to now. When you come back from your adventure, you can own the confidence of knowing your value encompasses a lot more than clear skin, symmetrical features, and strong hair.
posted by thatdawnperson at 6:25 AM on June 19, 2010

We're constantly bombarded with some insane, impossible idea of what women should look like. Studies show that women have no clue what is really attractive. So we're out there not only trying to meet an impossible standard, but an impossible standard that we can't even quantify. No matter how good we look, it's never good enough, because "good enough" doesn't even EXIST.

One thing that made a difference to how I view myself was when I started reading Photoshop Disasters. It's interesting seeing clearly how people in magazines, posters, ads are altered to look as unrealistically good as they do. PD has had a number of interesting comparisons with what someone really looks like vs. their retouched appearance. Sometimes there's a badly-retouched image where you can see how they made the person thinner, bigger breasts, eliminated wrinkles/other actual parts of the person. It has led to a number of "huh, whaddaya know" moments for me.

Hey, yeah, all those perfect plastic looking people...they're not real. REAL people can look like real people, and it's okay, and we can still be attractive even if we're not magically retouched in real life. It's okay to be a genuine human being.
posted by galadriel at 8:42 AM on June 19, 2010

> a little voice in my head says "They're just saying that because they're your friend/family so they have to" or "He probably hits on everyone so he doesn't mean it" or "He's just saying that to sleep with me"

How do you know when to believe a little voice in your head?

Have you ever heard a little voice and not believed it?

Is every little voice in your head the best guide to external reality?

Has a little voice in your head ever said something that was not useful or just simply not accurate?

When two little voices in your head say different things, how do you make the conscious decision to pay attention to one little voice and not the other?

After you make a conscious decision to pay attention to one little voice... how, specifically, do you decide if you are going to believe that that voice, at that moment, is saying something accurate?

How do you decide that a little voice is not being accurate... or does not have full information... or seems to be running automatically, habitually, without reference to the external physical world... and should be put aside?

How do you believe that it's okay to decide not to decide, and it's okay to believe that you don't need to believe, and just ask yourself more useful questions, like, Am I enjoying myself with this person? What do I want, in this situation?
posted by darth_tedious at 9:16 AM on June 19, 2010