Don't tell me what to do!
May 9, 2010 7:10 AM Subscribe
How can I deal with a wonderful boyfriend who has the tendency to boss and nag?
We are both competent professionals who tend towards procrastination and both have some vices (our vices tend to be things like watching too much TV rather than things like drugs or gambling).
I in particular procrastinate a LOT. He procrastinates himself, a lot, but I do it more. But the difference is I don't have a problem with it. I don't complain about it, complain about the consequences of it, or rely on him to get me out of jams when they come up.
The only reason I even tell him is because he always wants to know everything going on in my life, and it bothers him if I don't tell him everything. I don't mind this per se, I am usually a very open person and I like relationships that are very open too. I completely wouldn't mind telling him everything going on with me if he didn't start acting the way he does. But the way he acts makes me want to lie to him or keep things from him, and I hate living like that. (I know that his wanting to know all my daily life details sounds like the sort of thing that could escalate into something darker, but we've been together 3 years and it hasn't gotten any darker at all.)
This is what happens.
He will call me and ask what I'm up to. I'll say "oh nothing, just playing some computer games." He'll say "do you have anything you need to get done other than computer games?"
Me: "Yeah, but I'm not going to do it right now."
Him: "You still have to finish Work Project X?"
Me: "Yep."
Him: "You should turn off the computer and do it right now."
Me: "No, I don't think that's necessary."
Him: "You should really do it."
Me: "No, I don't think so."
Him: "Why do you need to play computer games right now?"
Me: "Because I want to."
Him: "Honey. Turn off the computer."
Me: "No! Stop bossing me!"
It makes me want to pull my hair out! Sometimes when it goes on long enough I get REALLY MAD. Then I feel bad because I know he's just concerned. Still, I hate being made to feel like a naughty child who isn't doing as she's told. I am an adult! If I screw my self over, so be it! I deal with the consequences by myself, I NEVER look for him to help me deal with them.
In fact I usually explicitly reject help that he offers sometimes (that I have not asked for) just so that he will never feel as if he has justification to tell me what to do (I do not want to hear him say "last time you didn't listen to me and then I had to help you do X so do what I say this time.)
One time we even went back and forth long enough that HE got annoyed (I think I was basically responding to everything he said with a simple "no.") When I noticed he was annoyed I asked if he was mad at me for not doing what he wanted. He said "not mad... just disappointed like a parent would be with a child." That gave me chills! I do NOT want to have a parent-child relationship with my boyfriend, and I do not want to be treated like anyone's child! That's disrespectful.
Then the instances of nagging. I planned to paint my front porch and there were all these steps I had take to do so. (Usual steps... buy the paint, move stuff on the steps, cover things I didn't want to get paint on). Every day he would "remind" me of the steps I hadn't yet done. I got more and more irritated. One day he said "will you be upset with me if I remind you to do this tomorrow?" In response to that I said "honey... you REALLY don't have to remind me." He didn't say anything more about the steps after that so I thought he understood, but then the next time I had a task to do he started doing it again.
What can I do about this? I know that he is only concerned about me and wants to help. That's why I don't want to say anything harsh or cruel. But I am getting more and more irritated and I really need for him to stop this. I would never break up over this, I love him very much and like I said, he's wonderful. But I am worried that the bossing and nagging is just part of his makeup.
I also see it when we go places, if we disagree, it's very hard to get him to trust my judgment instead of his. Even if I know what I'm talking about, we always have to have an argument about it, even though I honestly can't recall a single time I insisted to him I was right but was actually wrong.
We are both competent professionals who tend towards procrastination and both have some vices (our vices tend to be things like watching too much TV rather than things like drugs or gambling).
I in particular procrastinate a LOT. He procrastinates himself, a lot, but I do it more. But the difference is I don't have a problem with it. I don't complain about it, complain about the consequences of it, or rely on him to get me out of jams when they come up.
The only reason I even tell him is because he always wants to know everything going on in my life, and it bothers him if I don't tell him everything. I don't mind this per se, I am usually a very open person and I like relationships that are very open too. I completely wouldn't mind telling him everything going on with me if he didn't start acting the way he does. But the way he acts makes me want to lie to him or keep things from him, and I hate living like that. (I know that his wanting to know all my daily life details sounds like the sort of thing that could escalate into something darker, but we've been together 3 years and it hasn't gotten any darker at all.)
This is what happens.
He will call me and ask what I'm up to. I'll say "oh nothing, just playing some computer games." He'll say "do you have anything you need to get done other than computer games?"
Me: "Yeah, but I'm not going to do it right now."
Him: "You still have to finish Work Project X?"
Me: "Yep."
Him: "You should turn off the computer and do it right now."
Me: "No, I don't think that's necessary."
Him: "You should really do it."
Me: "No, I don't think so."
Him: "Why do you need to play computer games right now?"
Me: "Because I want to."
Him: "Honey. Turn off the computer."
Me: "No! Stop bossing me!"
It makes me want to pull my hair out! Sometimes when it goes on long enough I get REALLY MAD. Then I feel bad because I know he's just concerned. Still, I hate being made to feel like a naughty child who isn't doing as she's told. I am an adult! If I screw my self over, so be it! I deal with the consequences by myself, I NEVER look for him to help me deal with them.
In fact I usually explicitly reject help that he offers sometimes (that I have not asked for) just so that he will never feel as if he has justification to tell me what to do (I do not want to hear him say "last time you didn't listen to me and then I had to help you do X so do what I say this time.)
One time we even went back and forth long enough that HE got annoyed (I think I was basically responding to everything he said with a simple "no.") When I noticed he was annoyed I asked if he was mad at me for not doing what he wanted. He said "not mad... just disappointed like a parent would be with a child." That gave me chills! I do NOT want to have a parent-child relationship with my boyfriend, and I do not want to be treated like anyone's child! That's disrespectful.
Then the instances of nagging. I planned to paint my front porch and there were all these steps I had take to do so. (Usual steps... buy the paint, move stuff on the steps, cover things I didn't want to get paint on). Every day he would "remind" me of the steps I hadn't yet done. I got more and more irritated. One day he said "will you be upset with me if I remind you to do this tomorrow?" In response to that I said "honey... you REALLY don't have to remind me." He didn't say anything more about the steps after that so I thought he understood, but then the next time I had a task to do he started doing it again.
What can I do about this? I know that he is only concerned about me and wants to help. That's why I don't want to say anything harsh or cruel. But I am getting more and more irritated and I really need for him to stop this. I would never break up over this, I love him very much and like I said, he's wonderful. But I am worried that the bossing and nagging is just part of his makeup.
I also see it when we go places, if we disagree, it's very hard to get him to trust my judgment instead of his. Even if I know what I'm talking about, we always have to have an argument about it, even though I honestly can't recall a single time I insisted to him I was right but was actually wrong.
This post was deleted for the following reason: Looks like we managed to burp out a dupe of this post, yeah. -- cortex
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posted by ellieBOA at 7:23 AM on May 9, 2010
posted by ellieBOA at 7:23 AM on May 9, 2010
This thread is closed to new comments.
posted by caek at 7:17 AM on May 9, 2010