Is 200 miles too far?
May 9, 2010 7:09 AM Subscribe
So, I've met this girl who I really like. The issue: she lives 200 miles away and is super busy most weekends. I'm not really sure whether it is worth pursuing or not.
We're both early 20s, and we've seen each other twice for dates but knew each other before through a mutual friend. We went out for dinner when she came to visit me for a long weekend, and ended up staying the entire long weekend, longer than either of us expected her to. Then I went to visit her (about a 3-4 hour drive away) and spent a weekend with her three weeks later and had a great time.
At the end of the weekend with her, we worked out that we wouldn't be able to see each other for a couple of months, and she told me that she wasn't sure she wanted to have a relationship because of the distance we were apart. She said it hurt too much after the other person went back home, and that she wasn’t sure it was worth it. At the same time, she said she didn't want to end it, so we left it sort of hanging. She's been in successful long distance relationships before (that lasted years with only short patches of time spent close to partners), but I never have. The relationships that I have been in have lasted a few months, and never been that successful.
I'm pretty sure there is something good between us. I feel like we both enjoy all the time we spend together, find each other physically attractive, and have plenty in common. We talk on the phone a few times a week for an hour or so each time, but the limited chances to see each other mean I miss her during the week, and I worry when I don’t hear from her for a bit.
There are also other doubts in my mind. I know it won’t always be months between visits, and we should be able to get it down to an average of every fortnight, but is even this often enough for a healthy new relationship? Do I just feel this attached already because it’s been a while since I was in a relationship? And if it is worth carrying on like this, how do I stop being depressed (and maybe a little bit paranoid) when I haven’t heard from her in a few days and start to miss her?
We're both early 20s, and we've seen each other twice for dates but knew each other before through a mutual friend. We went out for dinner when she came to visit me for a long weekend, and ended up staying the entire long weekend, longer than either of us expected her to. Then I went to visit her (about a 3-4 hour drive away) and spent a weekend with her three weeks later and had a great time.
At the end of the weekend with her, we worked out that we wouldn't be able to see each other for a couple of months, and she told me that she wasn't sure she wanted to have a relationship because of the distance we were apart. She said it hurt too much after the other person went back home, and that she wasn’t sure it was worth it. At the same time, she said she didn't want to end it, so we left it sort of hanging. She's been in successful long distance relationships before (that lasted years with only short patches of time spent close to partners), but I never have. The relationships that I have been in have lasted a few months, and never been that successful.
I'm pretty sure there is something good between us. I feel like we both enjoy all the time we spend together, find each other physically attractive, and have plenty in common. We talk on the phone a few times a week for an hour or so each time, but the limited chances to see each other mean I miss her during the week, and I worry when I don’t hear from her for a bit.
There are also other doubts in my mind. I know it won’t always be months between visits, and we should be able to get it down to an average of every fortnight, but is even this often enough for a healthy new relationship? Do I just feel this attached already because it’s been a while since I was in a relationship? And if it is worth carrying on like this, how do I stop being depressed (and maybe a little bit paranoid) when I haven’t heard from her in a few days and start to miss her?
It seems like your main reason for wanting this relationship is that a lot of your past relationships have been disappointing. That's not a good reason.
posted by Jaltcoh at 7:55 AM on May 9, 2010 [1 favorite]
posted by Jaltcoh at 7:55 AM on May 9, 2010 [1 favorite]
I strongly believe that any relationship that requires more than an hour of travel each way won't last.
Unless one of you is willing to move closer in the near future, look elsewhere.
posted by cmccormick at 8:00 AM on May 9, 2010
Unless one of you is willing to move closer in the near future, look elsewhere.
posted by cmccormick at 8:00 AM on May 9, 2010
I was all "give it a shot" until I read the following:
I'm pretty sure there is something good between us
I feel like we both enjoy all the time we spend together
If you're not really sure after a couple of long weekends, then just move on. LDRs suck and I only put up with it because I knew for sure that I loved the guy (and now we're married). I would have never done it if I hadn't been crystal clear that he was the one. If you don't know in two weekends, it's not worth it.
posted by desjardins at 8:02 AM on May 9, 2010
I'm pretty sure there is something good between us
I feel like we both enjoy all the time we spend together
If you're not really sure after a couple of long weekends, then just move on. LDRs suck and I only put up with it because I knew for sure that I loved the guy (and now we're married). I would have never done it if I hadn't been crystal clear that he was the one. If you don't know in two weekends, it's not worth it.
posted by desjardins at 8:02 AM on May 9, 2010
Yes, 200 miles is too far. Even 20 miles is too far. The ideal woman lives within easy bicycling range. That's part of what makes her ideal. Really. Get on your bike and start looking for her.
posted by pracowity at 8:12 AM on May 9, 2010 [12 favorites]
posted by pracowity at 8:12 AM on May 9, 2010 [12 favorites]
Sounds like a good booty call? 200 miles is a little far away for a relationship that is just starting, especially between people in their early 20s.
posted by TheBones at 8:41 AM on May 9, 2010
posted by TheBones at 8:41 AM on May 9, 2010
Yes, 200 miles is too far. Even 20 miles is too far. The ideal woman lives within easy bicycling range. That's part of what makes her ideal. Really.
No. Nope. My SO and I live in different cities, as he moved from his home town to take up a job in his, and I was already living in mine. I won't deny it;s not incredibly frustrating to see someone at weekends only, but it's working out well, and we're both very keen to get a place together once other things are in place.
What rings alarm bells for me is that she really doesn't sound keen. Distances work if you both are - I know a couple who were long-distance for four years, including time spent studying abroad, and are now married - but not otherwise.
posted by mippy at 11:12 AM on May 9, 2010
No. Nope. My SO and I live in different cities, as he moved from his home town to take up a job in his, and I was already living in mine. I won't deny it;s not incredibly frustrating to see someone at weekends only, but it's working out well, and we're both very keen to get a place together once other things are in place.
What rings alarm bells for me is that she really doesn't sound keen. Distances work if you both are - I know a couple who were long-distance for four years, including time spent studying abroad, and are now married - but not otherwise.
posted by mippy at 11:12 AM on May 9, 2010
It sounds like she has made up her mind, and even if you convince her it's worthwhile, she's probably going to be harboring doubts. If 90% of your relationship is spent waiting by the phone, worrying, wondering, and missing, that sounds like a bad investment of your time--no matter how good the other 10%, and realistically it's going to be much less than 10%.
Besides, where do you see this headed? Are you going to move 200 miles for her or vice versa? What if you make it to the same city and realize it's not going to work out? I hate to be a realist here, but cut your losses.
posted by ista at 6:34 PM on May 9, 2010
Besides, where do you see this headed? Are you going to move 200 miles for her or vice versa? What if you make it to the same city and realize it's not going to work out? I hate to be a realist here, but cut your losses.
posted by ista at 6:34 PM on May 9, 2010
I don't think she's too hyped to stick with an LDR, and not having high motivation for that sort of thing dooms it from the start.
posted by jenfullmoon at 6:55 PM on May 9, 2010 [1 favorite]
posted by jenfullmoon at 6:55 PM on May 9, 2010 [1 favorite]
Yes, date her. When you're there or she's with you, be together and enjoy the company and see how it goes. If, in time, it's right and you both really want a serious relationship, one of you will make the move. You said you 'really like' her, so no distance is too far for you to give it a chance.
And if it is worth carrying on like this, how do I stop being depressed (and maybe a little bit paranoid) when I haven’t heard from her in a few days and start to miss her?
You can't rely on her or on the relationship to stop you from being depressed or paranoid. If she cares about you, she'll want to re-assure you and you will want to re-assure her. But the distance will inevitably mean that you feel distant. The question you need to ask yourself is do you like her enough to be patient and put up with that sense of distance while you figure out if you can have something more serious.
Long distance relationships work when those involved really want to be together and make an effort. They fail when they don't. If it doesn't work, keep that in mind.
posted by jardinier at 7:56 PM on May 9, 2010
And if it is worth carrying on like this, how do I stop being depressed (and maybe a little bit paranoid) when I haven’t heard from her in a few days and start to miss her?
You can't rely on her or on the relationship to stop you from being depressed or paranoid. If she cares about you, she'll want to re-assure you and you will want to re-assure her. But the distance will inevitably mean that you feel distant. The question you need to ask yourself is do you like her enough to be patient and put up with that sense of distance while you figure out if you can have something more serious.
Long distance relationships work when those involved really want to be together and make an effort. They fail when they don't. If it doesn't work, keep that in mind.
posted by jardinier at 7:56 PM on May 9, 2010
Less than two years ago I started dating mefite Wendy BD, who was some 500 km away. Now we live together.
Make of that what you will.
posted by ricochet biscuit at 8:50 PM on May 9, 2010 [3 favorites]
Make of that what you will.
posted by ricochet biscuit at 8:50 PM on May 9, 2010 [3 favorites]
If you are feeling attached and spending a lot of time and energy thinking about it, and she is ambivalent and not making time in her schedule, then 200 miles is in fact too far - I would have questions if you lived in the same town.
posted by mrs. taters at 8:49 AM on May 10, 2010 [1 favorite]
posted by mrs. taters at 8:49 AM on May 10, 2010 [1 favorite]
"She said it hurt too much after the other person went back home, and that she wasn’t sure it was worth it."Uhm, yeah, hey Metafilter? This isn't, "I'm just not that into you," talk, this is, "I'm very much into you and I'm really afraid this is going to hurt me because I've been burned before," talk. I suspect that OP is also keeping their cards close to their chest for the same reason.
Yes. Odds are pretty good that this relationship will end in hurt, but so does pretty much every other relationship that doesn't end in marriage and death (oh, right, that hurts, too). In my world, strong connections do not grow on trees, and they're not fishes or trolley cars, either. The gut check question here is whether the potential risk is worth the potential benefit.
If the risk is worth it, have an open discussion: I really, really like you. There's no one else in the world who makes me feel like you make me feel. Let's try this for x months... Maybe meet in the middle every so often, too. Let's do our best to think of all the opportunities present in the distance. Give it our best shot! If after x months we still feel that the distance is too hard, let's talk about what's working and what's not working and if it's no good, we'll go our separate ways (or start dating other people.)
Disclaimer: I'm a sap and I got recently burned in a similar situation. But three of my close friends made it work in much more difficult situations.
posted by Skwirl at 8:55 AM on May 11, 2010 [1 favorite]
I was in a long-distance, india and europe, for almost 3 years, it was frustrating, very frustrating, but it had its good times too! At the end it didnt work out, may be the distance killed it, but may be it was just us. So no judgement! and guess what? I met this girl last week at a meeting, spent 4 beautiful days together, she is 1000 km away, and we had the exact same discussion as you guys....
What will I do? I dont know exactly, but I am sure I will certainly DO something about it! Either try it or give it up! Either ways, bad action is better than inaction! So go ahead and take a stand! In a lighter vein, I have even thought of tossing a coin, just don't want to be 60 and wonder that I should have given it a shot.....but may be thats just my age and "inexperience" talking, I am 25 by the way. Good luck!!
posted by gunners at 11:50 AM on July 14, 2010 [1 favorite]
What will I do? I dont know exactly, but I am sure I will certainly DO something about it! Either try it or give it up! Either ways, bad action is better than inaction! So go ahead and take a stand! In a lighter vein, I have even thought of tossing a coin, just don't want to be 60 and wonder that I should have given it a shot.....but may be thats just my age and "inexperience" talking, I am 25 by the way. Good luck!!
posted by gunners at 11:50 AM on July 14, 2010 [1 favorite]
This thread is closed to new comments.
posted by lizbunny at 7:31 AM on May 9, 2010