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If I send this voicemail to her new SO, what are the possible outcomes? Is it wrong to do this?
April 20, 2010 7:56 AM   Subscribe

If I send this voicemail to her new SO, what are the possible outcomes? Is it wrong to do this?

Me and my ex-SO of 5 yrs that I thought I would marry, broke up ~1.5 yrs ago. She left town suddenly for a funeral. 3 months went by, giving me basically the silent treatment, and she began dating a guy, planning an int'l vacation with him for her birthday in the upcoming months. Before knowing this, I had agreed to let her take our 1 yr old pet dog to her home town/country/hemisphere, because I didn't know where I would end up after moving out of the house we were renting. I was thinking we'd reconnect, on her turf. (I received the pet as a gift for work done and only vocalized my love for him after she said we could keep him, that her allergies wouldn't be a problem.) When she came to collect the things she didn't want me to sell/give away, she said she'd find me and reach out if things didn't turn out with her new fling. I thought I'd give her the space to see it through b/c our love was strong enough that it was sure to bring us together again.

She has contacted me every month, despite me telling her to stop because I was so heartbroken and couldn't handle it. I admit I was suicidal and told her so. I tried to be friendly back on the chat or sms, but always became confused. But twice she took it to the brink by saying maybe we should meet and then later changing tune:

She'd email/sms that she was still in love with me, couldn't get me out of her head(sometimes on vacation with him) and thought we should visit to see what was what, or maybe talk.
I'd say get back to me when she was sure...quietly hoping she would break it off with him realizing I was the one that she wanted.
Longish story short-er...she decided it was best to stay put and figured her thoughts of me would recede.

6-9 months later, she was still intermittently sending chat messages etc. A couple weeks ago she emails me, now with a list of realizations on the eve of moving in with her new SO. It was all about how she screwed up too, I am a good guy, we made mistakes at the end, you get the point.
This also happens to be right when I finally thought I was ready to call a girl I am dating my "girlfriend" and label it. yay. Turns out that weekend of the email rocked things all over for me and I told the girl I'm still not over my ex-SO.
I told my ex-SO again that I would wait to tell her my feelings until she was certain what she wanted, not giving in to her boundary busting. And thinking this could be the moment to reconnect for realz.
She called and left me a message on my voicemail after the realization email, telling me things like "I am still very much in love with you, have I told him? (=new SO) No. Have I told him i think of you a lot, yes. Maybe we should visit, I don't know. I almost broke up with him last week because of this all hitting me when we moved in, etc."
Then I get an email 2 weeks after this saying I'm not the guy for her, b/c I didn't do any grand gestures this past 1.5 yrs and seemingly let her run to the arms of another man without much of a fight.

So here's the deal, I want my ex-SO to be accountable for her actions and think it can only be better for her, me and him if I send this voicemail to her new SO.
The reasoning for me is 1) it will make her have to face what she has been doing for the last 1 -1.5 yrs and 2) talk it out with her new SO.
If they get closer b/c of it, great, at least they can then move on and the table is clear. Nothing has changed for me.
If not, then maybe she can finally spend some time alone and consider what she needs to work on. In the meantime I will feel satisfaction of some accountability for basically torturing me for the last year. Maybe I'll feel a little less pain knowing that I did the right thing, because if it was happening to me, I'd want someone to clue me in to what was really going on.
Is this something that the hive thinks has any good outcome, or is something worth doing? Am I just a spiteful jerk who is still heartbroken? What do you think the outcome of doing this is?
posted by talljamal to Human Relations (60 answers total) 3 users marked this as a favorite
 
DO NOT send that voice mail.

This is so draining and complicated that I could barely read it - you need to cut off ALL contact with this person and move on with your life.

Defriend her, block her emails and texts, don't answer her calls. You'll both be healthier and better off.
posted by ryanshepard at 8:02 AM on April 20, 2010 [61 favorites]


This sounds ridiculously messed up. Do not send the voicemail - for gods sake move on.
posted by fire&wings at 8:03 AM on April 20, 2010 [3 favorites]


Is this something that the hive thinks has any good outcome, or is something worth doing? Am I just a spiteful jerk who is still heartbroken? What do you think the outcome of doing this is?

No voicemail.

RUN. RUN FAST, RUN FAR, RUN HARD.

There is nothing to salvage here; she is living with another man, playing both sides against the middle and doesn't listen to what's best for you when you asked her not to contact you for your mental health. She has absolutely no concern for you, only for how she feels, and she is in the process of breaking at least two men's hearts THAT YOU KNOW OF.

Seriously; get on your Nikes and hustle away.
posted by Hiker at 8:03 AM on April 20, 2010 [3 favorites]


Sounds like a poor idea, if only for the fact that this will prolong your "relationship" with your ex-so. Cut ties, take a real break, block emails, ims, change phone numbers.
posted by syntheticfaith at 8:03 AM on April 20, 2010 [2 favorites]


NO. Just NO. Her SO is an adult (I hope) and probably knows something is amiss anyhow. MYOB. And it sounds like your ex is manipulative as all get out.
posted by ShadePlant at 8:03 AM on April 20, 2010 [3 favorites]


You know, I think most are going to tell you to just forget it and end your contact with her, but I say why not? Sometimes you just want satisfaction, and maybe the other guy needs the heads-up.
posted by Menthol at 8:04 AM on April 20, 2010 [1 favorite]


Nothing good can come from sending that voicemail. Move on with your life, and cut off all ties to your ex-SO.
posted by lonemantis at 8:12 AM on April 20, 2010 [2 favorites]


You (and he, and new girl) are getting played by an amateur. Block any and all communications from her, ignore attempts to contact you through third parties, etc. This is a total waste of your time and energy.
posted by Inspector.Gadget at 8:15 AM on April 20, 2010 [2 favorites]


This is a horrible idea, and in your lucid, sober, logical moments you have to know this!

If you send that voicemail, in her eyes you will have betrayed her. So don't even entertain any idea of her coming back to you after that.

More importantly, it comes across as the last, desperate effort of a jilted man who can't let go. You don't need your ex's new boyfriend sniggering about you behind your back once she has pleaded her own case with him.

And she will.

Even considering that she might be legitimately confused about where her future lies, she moved in with this new SO and planned an international vacation with him all the while. You have become her emotional support while she enjoys the material things he can give her. She has been manipulative and selfish any way you look at it.

In her mind, I think she sees a future where she has both of you at her beck and call, probably married to him and fooling around with you.

You don't want that. Good. Stick to your guns. If she isn't ready to make a choice, date and see other people. Do not wait on her. If she stays with this guy, there's your answer. If she comes back to you, be very sure she is completely through with this guy.

But for goodness sake, don't stoop to her level and try to manipulate the situation by showing her email to the new SO! It will only make you feel bad about yourself in the long run.

Trust me on this. I know it's really difficult to get over someone, but you have to move on.
posted by misha at 8:15 AM on April 20, 2010


Don't bother with the voicemail, talljamal. Trust me. One of the reasons why you're still even thinking about this situation is the fact that she's still contacting you, and stringing you along. This needs to stop. All communications with this person should stop. It's the only way you're going to be able to move on properly from this mess and get on with living your life. Cold turkey is the only way to go here.

You may feel momentary relief from unburdening yourself in a voicemail, but all it will say to her is you're still interested. And she'll proceed to keep stringing you along in order to get the attention she clearly craves. This woman is like spam, dude, and you need a firewall.

If she tries to contact you again, resolutely ignore her and delete her messages.
posted by LN at 8:17 AM on April 20, 2010 [10 favorites]


Have some self-respect, and stop allowing this woman to control you like this. Move on. Do not contact her SO. Contacting him will not give you the satisfaction you desire. She has no regard for you and is only interested in furthering her own interests. Your feelings do not matter to her at all, and this is not going to change. Sorry.
posted by iconomy at 8:18 AM on April 20, 2010 [3 favorites]


What would you have done, if, while in the midst of your conversations with your ex, you had received some sort of 'proof' from her (other?) boyfriend that she was telling him sweet nothings and lies?

I'm sure there's no question in your mind that you can't really trust her. You want to find some magic bullet that will force her into being a good, kind, thoughtful and stand-up person in relationships. There ain't no bullet for that, man. She'll become kind and thoughtful if and when she decides. Until then, there are plenty of dudes to manipulate in order to make her feel good about herself. Don't be one of 'em!

Look at what's in front of you. Let go of your control issues with this other chick. You can't make her into the person you want her to be. You've got a whole new person to focus on, who might very well be kind, thoughtful and a stand-up person in relationships! Look at what's in front of you. Don't extend the drama with someone you know sucks. Pursue someone who might not be a jerk.
posted by pazazygeek at 8:19 AM on April 20, 2010


Do not send it.
Stop talking to her.
Stop replying to her emails.

Cut off all contact from this immature and selfish woman and get on with your life.

You have a choice here: to be part of the drama or to leave it behind. It's up to you.
posted by DWRoelands at 8:21 AM on April 20, 2010 [2 favorites]


The only reason you should contact her or her SO is to get your dog back.
posted by mrsshotglass at 8:22 AM on April 20, 2010 [7 favorites]


Only send the email if you want more drama. Seriously. Things almost always never go the way you intend them to with these things. You want to send the VM to make your ex-SO accountable, and to make them talk; if they don't talk, then to make her think about her actions. Take a step back from that - do you see how unlikely that your actions (leaving a VM for her hew SO) are going to precipitate exactly what YOU want to have happen with her actions and decisions? It is highly likely that it won't happen, and some other kind of drama and fallout will. If that's what you want, go for it. Whatever satisfaction you get will be extremely short-lived. You cannot control other people's actions, just your own.

I agree with others - your ex-SO is really manipulative. How unfair is it to her SO that she's still calling you? Her SO deserves a partner who is present, and she is not. Same with your current partner. Cut your ex off, implement some strong boundaries - tell her to not contact you, block her, you're done. Let her go and focus on your current relationship. Leave all the drama where it belongs: with her.
posted by foxjacket at 8:22 AM on April 20, 2010


I would totally do it.

She has been screwing you around and, you're right, essentially torturing you. Someone who is suicidal. She really deserves no consideration, and the guy she's getting with deserves to know what kind of person she is.

This goes above and beyond cheating.

Just be prepared to cut off contact with her (and him) immediately and completely immediately afterward. Do it and wash your hands of it completely. Go outside, enjoy the day, enjoy your new girlfriend.
posted by internet fraud detective squad, station number 9 at 8:27 AM on April 20, 2010 [1 favorite]


(and by is suicidal, I mean "was" suicidal).

Sorry, by the way, you don't deserve this bullshit. She should be ashamed of herself.
posted by internet fraud detective squad, station number 9 at 8:28 AM on April 20, 2010


(Also, one of the major benefits behind doing this is that it will essentially force her to stop stringing you along because you will have made it clear that you will not put up with her manipulative bullshit any longer, and that her actions towards you have negative repercussions for her).
posted by internet fraud detective squad, station number 9 at 8:29 AM on April 20, 2010


Change your phone number, change your email address, block her out of your life entirely, don't tell her where you've gone. Interfering with her current relationship would just keep you neck-deep in this woman's life, and to be frank, she sounds like a mess. How do you know that your feelings for her are affection? They might just be confusion. Alternatively, you'd be amazed by how good it feels to say "no" to her, to make yourself a space in life that has no place for her or her crazy. Try it. You'll like it.
posted by pickypicky at 8:29 AM on April 20, 2010


I mean, she took your dog, dude. Your dog.

You can be as spiteful as you want. You have my blessing.
posted by internet fraud detective squad, station number 9 at 8:31 AM on April 20, 2010 [3 favorites]


She wants all the cake in the shop - she's playing you (and her new guy too, poor sod).

This is a very toxic relationship. Break off contact, block her number and her email, and move on with your new gf. You deserve better than to be strung along in this manner.
posted by Billegible at 8:32 AM on April 20, 2010


You were ambivalent and uncommitted to this relationship 2 years ago, and still are. It is time to move on. Stop fishing, cut your bait, sever all contact, block her out of your life.

For your sake and hers both.
posted by SLC Mom at 8:33 AM on April 20, 2010


You're not doing this out of concern for her new SO. You're doing it because your pissed. It's completely understandable since she's been poking your with a sharp stick for years. Still you'll get nothing for your effort but more drama.

Don't send the vmail. Don't ever take another message from her - not phone, SMS or email. She's trouble. Stop inviting her to make your life difficult. Block her numbers.

She just isn't worth the hassle.
posted by 26.2 at 8:34 AM on April 20, 2010 [3 favorites]


1. Get your dog back.

2. If she wanted to be with you should WOULD. Full stop.

3. She's playing you for the fool. As someone else said, have some self respect.
posted by Windigo at 8:35 AM on April 20, 2010


SHE would. not should would. sigh.
posted by Windigo at 8:35 AM on April 20, 2010


I get WHY you'd want to do it but no one of us ever get "hey the person you're dating is manipulative, _________, ________," whatever warnings. It comes with the territory. I totally wanted to call my ex's new GF and say, "You know he's an asshole, right?" but I don't think it's my business.
posted by ShadePlant at 8:40 AM on April 20, 2010


Is this something that the hive thinks has any good outcome, or is something worth doing?

You should do whatever you think is going to help you move on with your life. From your reasoning (1. it will make her have to face what she has been doing for the last 1 -1.5 yrs and 2. talk it out with her new SO), it doesn't sound like sending the voicemail is going to help you do that. Who cares if she faces what she's been doing or talks it out with the new guy? If you look at the current "relationship" between her and you at this point, she's just some random person that contacts you periodically to make you feel bad.

Obviously she was a big part of your life for years but that's over now and you need to move on. Talking to her or caring about whether things will work out with her and her SO is not healthy for you and your own life. It's over, it's been over for more than a year, and things aren't going to go back to the way they were. Block her emails, throw out things that remind you of her, or whatever you have to do, but the bottom line is you're not going to be able to escape this drama until you get her out of your life.
posted by burnmp3s at 8:42 AM on April 20, 2010


IANAL, but forwarding her voicemail to him might be a federal crime.
posted by Carol Anne at 8:44 AM on April 20, 2010


Sending her current SO this voicemail would just be continuing your relationship with your ex by other means. This is, I suspect, what you want, but what you're not willing to admit to yourself that you're trying to acheive.

If you're smart about this, you'll cut all ties and forget about this toxic relationship without any further complications. Your ex has created a tired little psychodrama with you and you've played the role to the hilt. Forwarding the message to her current SO would only be a continuation of the narrative that she's written for you. Delete the message. Block her number and her emails. Do not give her any further avenues by which to manipulate you. Don't waste your time on fantasies of revenge or some fleeting notion of justice, just get out and don't look back. You'll be happier, she'll be frustrated, and life will be sweet.
posted by Parasite Unseen at 8:53 AM on April 20, 2010 [1 favorite]


Forwarding the voicemail and getting her to magically be held accountable is a great fantasy, but it really just cements your role in this f-ed up triangle and confirms your interest in her drama. Block her email, ignore all attempts at communication- especially because every time you respond, you give her reason to believe you are still interested- AND TO BELIEVE YOU STILL HAVE SOME KIND OF RELATIONSHIP. Focus on your life and your new girlfriend.
posted by questionsandanchors at 8:55 AM on April 20, 2010 [2 favorites]


Who knows what sort of ridiculous shit she will fabricate to her SO after he confronts her with the voicemail. Who knows how much of a nutjob he must be to stay with her this long while being so oblivious (or not) to what she's actually like.

In your fantasy version of events, your forwarding the VM would be the end of the story. But you don't know for sure...
posted by bingo at 8:55 AM on April 20, 2010


Whoops, missed that you had let the new gf go. Change the last sentence to "finding a new girlfriend eventually."
posted by questionsandanchors at 8:56 AM on April 20, 2010


Look, I totally get the revenge thing. I do. But see, the thing about revenge is that it never feels as good as you think it's going to. Plus, there's usually major fallout from it afters. Having done some terribly cruel things in the past for revenge, I put it to you that you should rise above the temptation, for your own sanity and peace of mind.

Also, what everyone else said. If possible, get your dog back. Block her numbers, defriend her, put her email address on your spam filter and run the hell away from Torture Ex. You might also consider begging for forgiveness from the Almost-Girlfriend, if she's someone with whom you want to continue a relationship.
posted by SecretAgentSockpuppet at 9:01 AM on April 20, 2010 [2 favorites]


There comes a time when all a (wo)man can do is walk away.

Walk away.
posted by TomMelee at 9:23 AM on April 20, 2010


This will probably seem a bit cold, but getting the dog back could just be inviting more trouble.

You'd have to be able to resist seeing it as a daily reminder of the ex-SO, and it raises the possibility of "I really miss our puppy-wuppy sooooooo much! Wish I could come visit him!" drama-inducing messages.
posted by CKmtl at 9:26 AM on April 20, 2010 [1 favorite]


Grow a pair and forget about her completely. Block ALL contact with her.

She is not coming back to you, not now, not in the future, not EVER.

And you will be better for it.
posted by eas98 at 9:30 AM on April 20, 2010


Oh for crying out loud. Of course it's a bad idea.
posted by The World Famous at 9:34 AM on April 20, 2010 [1 favorite]


IANAL, but forwarding her voicemail to him might be a federal crime.

...which federal crime would that be, exactly?
posted by toomuchpete at 9:40 AM on April 20, 2010


I've been the new girlfriend of the guy who was hung up on his ex and the only good thing about this situation is that you didn't drag her through this mess along with you. Your ex is being incredibly selfish and cruel--why would you want someone back who treats you this way? Get your dog back, don't send the email, and cut off contact immediately. Yes, it will hurt like hell, but at least you'll be free to find someone who will treat you with love and respect.
posted by janekate at 9:44 AM on April 20, 2010


I told my ex-SO again that I would wait to tell her my feelings until she was certain what she wanted, not giving in to her boundary busting.

This is a lie you're telling yourself. You gave into her boundary busting when you told her that she caused you to consider your "feelings." It's irrelevant whether you actually go through with telling her what you're thinking, she already knows she's in your head. As someone above said, you're getting played.
posted by rhizome at 9:47 AM on April 20, 2010 [1 favorite]


Sorry...voicemail, not email. But don't send an email either. Or call or write or meet for lunch or any of that. Cutting off communication is the only way out.
posted by janekate at 9:50 AM on April 20, 2010


She used you, but you let yourself be used so I think it is equally your fault. Grow a spine and stop chasing women who don't want you, but like toying with you.

You should learn from this experience and move on without any further drama. You could write her a long letter and burn it in a drunken goodbye ceremony with some close friends (if you have any after all this!).
posted by meepmeow at 9:55 AM on April 20, 2010


It's easy to say "move on" for people who aren't in love. Dear talljamal, you know but haven't shared all the good qualities that make you love her; everyone answering here only knows about the uncertainty and inconsistencies in her behavior. You have to decide, ultimately alone.

I don't know what the risks are if you call and leave the message you're contemplating. It sounds like they are small, but please think through the possible negative consequences.

If they are small enough compared to the satisfaction or good that might come from going ahead, then go ahead. If not, then don't.

Take the past and future of your own feelings into account. Imagine you had a son, or a loved brother, in this situation, and you know everything about his heart and the situation. What would you want this person to do, this person you think first of protecting? Take good care of yourself.
posted by amtho at 10:07 AM on April 20, 2010 [1 favorite]


Another vote for "this is a really, really, really dumb idea."

Stop picking at the wound, and stop letting her get off on the drama of stringing you along:

I'm not the guy for her, b/c I didn't do any grand gestures this past 1.5 yrs

Seriously? She dumps you and then starts demanding grand gestures? Why the heck would you even want to be with someone like this?

Eighteen months is more than enough time to be moving on with your life; there is no earthly reason why you should still be in any contact at all with your ex, let alone with her boyfriend.
posted by ook at 10:12 AM on April 20, 2010


If the ex can manipulate you, she can manipulate others to believe that you're the crazy one. You can present all the evidence in the world and she could still convince the new guy that it's somehow your fault.

The petty satisfaction of getting revenge now is nowhere near the satisfaction you'll get when, one day, you no longer need her or want her or hate her or think about her at all. And maybe a year or two down the road, perhaps she'll feel a little attention-starved, come across your email address, and send you a note about how much she loves and misses you... and you'll roll your eyes, delete it, and go about your day as usual.
posted by Metroid Baby at 10:27 AM on April 20, 2010


I did this once. It was just after high school, so I'll cloak it in "I didn't know better at the time". Let me tell you how it plays out.

It cemented the end of our 'relationship'. He stopped wandering back to me after each break-up saying "baby, I don't know why I left you. And I'm not sure why I'll leave you again for the next girl that comes along". That was one of the few perks, though not one you seem interested in.

But, oh god, the drama. It lasted years. I became the psychotic scape goat for every single problem they had. Any gossip that implicated him was immediately attributed to my maliciousness. I was jealous of what they had. Any bad behavior he had was swept under the rug as issues he developed from dating that psychopath. He suddenly created a get-out-of-jail-free card from my desire to set her straight and leave him, because only delusional people would try and ruin potential relationships.

Eventually I got an email from her, saying that he had hit her in a particularly nasty fight. When she kicked him out, he surprised her by having another woman to move in with already lined up. We became friends. I even went to her wedding a few months back. So I suppose that's another plus that came from years of drama.

But for all the energy the entire affair took out of me, it didn't seem to do a damned thing to make him a better person. It didn't even slow him down in taking advantage of other people. He's married now, and that still didn't stop me from finding his OkCupid profile proclaiming his singlehood.

So yeah. Just disappear. She'll trip up and expose herself before you'd ever make a dent in their fantasy of their relationship. And that's really the best outcome you can hope for in this situation.
posted by politikitty at 10:29 AM on April 20, 2010 [11 favorites]


It's easy to say "move on" for people who aren't in love.

That's true, but this doesn't sound love to me. Based on his description, the poster is being manipulated and taken advantage of by someone who has no regard for his feelings.

I'm willing to bet he was getting similar treatment when he was in a relationship with this woman.
posted by ryanshepard at 10:31 AM on April 20, 2010


Er, "doesn't sound LIKE love to me."
posted by ryanshepard at 10:33 AM on April 20, 2010


I'm all for evil people getting what's coming to them, but seriously, SERIOUSLY, if you send that voicemail, they're not going to just leave you alone. Crazy Ex is going to get crazier, New Boyfriend is going to get all up in your business, and the amount of drama you currently are swimminng in (which is a lot of drama) will go THROUGH THE ROOF to drama you can't even imagine.

Don't do it. Not because it's unclassy, but because it's going to bite you in the ass.
posted by 23skidoo at 10:36 AM on April 20, 2010 [1 favorite]


What a bad idea, and on a lot of different levels. I would suggest moving on with your life and cutting out complete contact with her. Sending the voicemail prolongs and escalates the drama, and drags someone else into your issues with your ex. Do you want to be the kind of person who does something like this out of hurt/anger/spite? If you do, then stand up and own it and don't cloud it in other motives - admit why you're doing it and that you don't care who gets hurt or how much more drama ensues.

p.s. she didn't steal the dog, you let her have him/her
p.p.s. she won't get back together with you if you ruin this other relationship of hers
posted by mrs. taters at 11:03 AM on April 20, 2010 [2 favorites]


I say do it, send the voicemail to her SO, because you are all so incredibly messed up and dysfunctional and this sounds like the match that could light the bomb that would permanently separate all of you from each other. Strictly on those grounds, I say go for it, make it a "thing".

Seriously, treat it as your own personal Burning Man, end this pile of crap with a glorious flameout that will at least cleanse your emotional state a bit, possibly theirs and you can move on. Just realize that it'll leave you involved with her a bit longer, but at least you'll get some emotional satisfaction from it.

Note: Make this type of relationship and the dramatic action a one time thing and don't be this foolish with your emotions again. Yes, you heard me, you were foolish and this isn't just her fault at all. You allowed her to pull all this crap. Take better care of yourself in the future.
posted by Brandon Blatcher at 11:15 AM on April 20, 2010


Do it. I think it may salvage your relationship with her.






No, it won't. Run away. Far away. Don't look back.
posted by Doohickie at 11:16 AM on April 20, 2010


She's addicted to drama. Do not get involved. Block her number and her e-mail and her IM and any other way she has of contacting you. Do not get sucked into her drama any more than you already have.
posted by stoneweaver at 11:26 AM on April 20, 2010


Wow, this is the easiest to answer question on Metafilter ever: No. When you're hurting, things like this seem like a good idea and then, well, you get over it and you think, "good god I was an idiot for doing that." Maybe the one benefit of asking a question like this to strangers on the internet is that they can look at it in the cold light of detachment and tell you not to do it so you don't have to feel like an asshat later. So again: No! Move on.
posted by bananafish at 12:02 PM on April 20, 2010 [3 favorites]


No. Keep in mind that the best villains in movies have sympathetic motives for revenge and spite. That doesn't make them not evil.
posted by thelastenglishmajor at 12:11 PM on April 20, 2010 [1 favorite]


Send nothing. When she sends texts, delete them without reading. When she sends emails, delete them without reading. When she calls, don't answer, and delete the voicemails without listening. Defriend her on facebook. Block her email address. Etc. Etc. Etc.

She's doing terrible things to you emotionally, despite you telling her to stop, and she may well be enjoying it. It is time to move on, no matter how much she tries to stop you. You will never get her to be accountable, you will never get the apology or other vindication that you feel you deserve (and probably do), and the sooner you accept it and move on, the better. Otherwise you're just digging yourself deeper and deeper, and then getting back out later will take that much longer.

Sunk costs. Cut your losses. Move on. And FFS do NOT get involved, and do NOT send anything to her new SO. His problem, not yours.
posted by davejay at 1:13 PM on April 20, 2010 [2 favorites]


You need therapy, and NO contact with this poisonous, addictive object of your obsession. You're not a bad person, you're not stuck in love with your ex; you're obsessing. It's not healthy.

Been there, done that, got the release that (almost) only therapy can bring.
posted by IAmBroom at 3:03 PM on April 20, 2010


I'm willing to believe that she isn't all bad. But, this Drama Triangle you three, albeit unwittingly on the new SO's part, are engaging in is toxic to you.

For the past one and a half years, your life has been on hold while you wait for her to make a decision. You could have completed a solid percentage of a master's program in that time period. You could have gotten comfortable in a new country. You could have changed careers. You could have watched a new puppy grow to adulthood. You could have spent some great time in therapy to figure out why you needed that unsatisfying drama, and how to put together a new way of engaging with romantic partners.

You could have met, dated, and gotten engaged to the love of your life.

It's gone on long enough. Block her on chat programs. Change her phone number to "CRAZY DRAMAPANTS DO NOT ANSWER!!!!!!" on your cell. Change your phone number, if you have to. She says that she wanted you to make a grand gesture for the last one and a half years? Why didn't she? You might not have fought for her, but she hasn't fought one bit for you. She hasn't even tried to fight for you... if she had, she would have left this guy. She didn't. Actions speak louder than words, no?

It's time.
posted by mornie_alantie at 7:30 PM on April 20, 2010


Thanks for the good words everyone.

I'm not going to do it, because its what an obsessed crazy person would. And somehow it makes me feel like one of Tiger's ex lovers who save voicemails (not that I am trying to comment anyway about that story), and I think I have more important stuff to do than figure out how to get in touch with this dude. I was in therapy before and realize I can be happy again w/ or w/o her in my life (in any capacity) and I don't want my actions to be someone's excuse/get out of jail free card for their continued psychodrama.

@mornie_alantie: I actually have moved country, changed career, met, dated, and not felt any connection with other beautiful women. I'm hoping that I can free that space for new love, maybe with a little Louise Hay's mantra'ing now.

Maybe I'll get a new pet. I'm not going to try to get that one back, too much reminder material and possibility for contact as one commenter pointed out.

k. gotta start deleting files. happy humpday everyone.
posted by talljamal at 12:31 AM on April 21, 2010 [1 favorite]


k. gotta start deleting files.

I would print out all the crazy emails you've shared back and forth and put them in a cardboard box and then delete them all. Leave the box in an attic in your parent's house far away. In ten years you will look back at this confusing incident with remarkable clarity. I did this when I was heartbroken after high school ten years ago and just recently tossed the box away. I'm so glad I saved it and it pretty much re-wrote my attitude to the traumatic event. The things I read and understood last summer would have been incomprehensible to a younger me.
posted by yeti at 12:21 PM on April 23, 2010 [3 favorites]


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