matches: not just for candles!

February 13, 2010 11:13 AM

asking-for-a-friend-filter: i need help coming up with a cute, safe-for-work poem, verse or rhyming couplet that can hang on the wall in the bathroom.

my friend, we'll call her K, recently got married and moved into her first apartment. she and her husband often entertain, and rather than having to tell everyone why there are matches in a box on the back of the toilet, she wants a cute little verse or poem that she can hang on the wall. i'm not very good at making things rhyme, so i thought i would ask the internets.

any ideas? emphasis on adorable and/or innocuous, please! her mom will be reading it.

thanks!

posted by janepanic to Home & Garden (29 answers total)

if too much smell should your nose catch
do not be shy, please use a match.
posted by stresstwig at 11:18 AM on February 13, 2010

You put matches on the back of a toilet so that when you crap a stinker in someone else's house you can eat up the smell with burning sulfur.

I don't have any verse to hand, but limerick seems appropriate, no?
posted by carsonb at 11:28 AM on February 13, 2010

1. People don't know about bathroom matches?!
2. People think it's appropriate to ask why they are there?!

Moving on.

The matches are here,
and if why is unclear:
When you catch a whiff
of an unpleasant sniff,
light a match and don't fear,
its worth will appear.
posted by sallybrown at 11:34 AM on February 13, 2010 [1 favorite]

The door you did just latch
The smell you did dispatch
Now if you would not mind
To all of us be kind
And please do strike dis match
posted by found missing at 11:41 AM on February 13, 2010

tradition, ere the days of exhaust ventilation
was to strike a match for more tolerable inhalation
posted by gimli at 11:43 AM on February 13, 2010 [4 favorites]

If this room smells less than sweet,
Please light a match before you retreat.
posted by mochapickle at 11:44 AM on February 13, 2010 [2 favorites]

There's a box on the back of the loo
In case of emergency (or number two)
It just takes a flame
To erase your shame
And keep the place smelling brand new
posted by The Winsome Parker Lewis at 11:51 AM on February 13, 2010 [9 favorites]

If you cut the cheese,
Try one of these.
posted by iconomy at 11:54 AM on February 13, 2010 [4 favorites]

Should the smell get too much
A match then to the paper touch.

or

If there is too much vapor
Light a match on the touch paper.
posted by Kattullus at 12:04 PM on February 13, 2010 [1 favorite]

If it's stinky when you plop
light a match. The smell will stop.

The period in the middle of line two makes this one very modern and sophisticated.
posted by Morpeth at 12:37 PM on February 13, 2010 [5 favorites]

Best answer: On the tank, madam or monsieur
(In an effort to keep the air pure)
You will find several batches
Of sulfurous matches
For those scents you might wish to obscure.
posted by GenjiandProust at 12:39 PM on February 13, 2010 [34 favorites]

Did you know the stench you made
can be quaffed by Victorian Glade?
Strike a match before you leave
And then, my friend, we'll better breath

Fun question!
posted by eytanb at 1:14 PM on February 13, 2010

Strike to nullify the stink
Then toss in the crapper or sink.

(the 'tip of the hat' use of the word "crapper" slyly pays insouciant homage to Thomas Crapper, who may or may not have invented the toilet, depending on who you ask or which wiki you believe.)
posted by iconomy at 1:24 PM on February 13, 2010

Bathroom odors
got you down?
Light a match
Then flush it down!

Burma Shave!
posted by jquinby at 2:17 PM on February 13, 2010 [4 favorites]

Honestly, seeing this would freak me right the hell out. If I did have to poop while there I would probably see the poem, freak out, excuse myself and go poop at home. Having to go #2 at someone else's house is fraught with enough embarrassment already, without bringing cute poetry into it.

I vote for accepting this reality: poop stinks. If people see the matches, some will get it and use one. Those who don't get it or don't care probably won't be swayed by a poem anyway.

Bottom line: If the smell bothers them a lot, *they* can light a match when everyone leaves, or when they go in.
posted by drjimmy11 at 2:32 PM on February 13, 2010

Best answer: Perhaps, a haiku is in order?

A match is to be
Stricken across the paper
When movements occur

Or, maybe the top half or upper left quadrant of this image.
posted by surfgator at 2:46 PM on February 13, 2010

I used to have this one up next to a candle and some matches:

"Don't be ashamed, it's not a scandal.
If it stinks just light a candle."
posted by monkeymadness at 3:49 PM on February 13, 2010 [2 favorites]

If spirits gone, but stench remains
Assure this kingdom one more reign
Above thy regal throne thee flash
A single head if yonder match
posted by Acacia at 4:03 PM on February 13, 2010 [1 favorite]

opps. OF yonder match
posted by Acacia at 4:04 PM on February 13, 2010

if you're worried about your rank,
then hurry to the box on the tank!
posted by orme at 5:06 PM on February 13, 2010

My comment on the subject got deleted, I guess because it didn't contain a whole poem.

So I'll try one:

If you must ask what matches mean,
You're underthinking your plate of beans.
posted by jozxyqk at 5:25 PM on February 13, 2010

If it plops instead of splashes,
Be a dear and use these matches.
posted by mochapickle at 5:26 PM on February 13, 2010 [2 favorites]

I don't have a poem to offer, but will add that at our house we just light a candle in the guest bath whenever we have friends over, thus making a poem unneeded.
posted by anastasiav at 6:51 PM on February 13, 2010

Not everyone knows about the usefulness of matches. (I have never of this before, myself.) So don't be too obscure.
posted by metahawk at 8:10 PM on February 13, 2010

Does lighting a match actually work to eliminate bathroom odors? Some rudimentary searching around makes it seems like there's some contention over the answer. A can of bathroom spray (e.g. Oust) will work, and be more obvious for guests to use, especially if it's on the toilet tank or sink, or otherwise in full view.

Some of these poems are great, though.
posted by sentient at 11:07 PM on February 13, 2010

Those well-earth'd men who reach for these
Curse those who worship the Febreze
The canned stink, the floral stench
All folly for the shameful trench.
posted by Sallyfur at 12:15 AM on February 14, 2010

Trying one more time...

If the smell you wish to banish
strike a match and it will vanish
posted by Morpeth at 7:01 AM on February 14, 2010

Instead of a poem, why not a satirical flowchart of your "Bathroom Air Quality Remediation Procedure?" You know, DO light_match UNTIL sniff_test == (Sulfur >= (k*Poop_Smell)), etc. You could also cite some obscure OPA (Olfactory Protection Administration) regulation.

(Be sure to include a courtesy flush before the match light loop which may reduce the need for matches and optimize your process costs.)
posted by cross_impact at 7:32 AM on February 15, 2010

Response by poster: wow! thanks, everyone. i sent my friend a link pointing here and she said she really enjoyed reading everyone's responses.
posted by janepanic at 3:45 PM on February 16, 2010