Just because birds and bees don't use condoms...

January 13, 2010 7:16 AM

Help me combat my child's school abstinence program!

I'm not looking for a debate on abstinence-only health programs at school: I believe they do more harm than good. I have a sixth-grade boy and I have been very open with him with sex education. He has been given the logistical facts of sex, and I have been trying to educate him to have a strong feminist understanding.
_{Basically, how that applies here is in addition to the physical aspects of sex, I have also tried to explain why it is important to wait, the emotional aspects, the dynamics of men and woman, how to respect one another, how not to be manipulative or forceful (men and women), to be respecting and accepting of all sexual preferences, etc.}

So. I think my son has the basics. The only thing I haven't done yet is to get a cucumber and condom to show how to put one on. (but I am planning to do that in the future- wish me luck! I'm sure that will be awkward, but necessary.) However, it is the time of year that the sixth-grade classes are presented their "sex education" unit. Only, in this district, they use an abstinence program. Although my son may have information from me, I am concerned about any misinformation he may receive from this program at school. As any parent knows, even if you've told your child something, if he or she hears contradicting information from another adult or peer, your child will doubt your version.

The information I need is twofold:
1. References like books, videos, or other material that I can give to my son at home that will be in-depth and will hopefully cover anything that is glossed over, or worse, presented incorrectly at school.
2. I would like to write a letter to the school board explaining why abstinence-only programs can have a detrimental effect and that I am disappointed that our district has continued to use this type of education. For example, pointing out the studies that have documented a higher pregnancy rate in schools with abstinence programs. If anyone has good links or references that I can present, please point me in the right direction.

And if anyone knows specifically of any misleading or incorrect information that will be presented with this program, please let me know so I can concentrate on countering those issues.

posted by Eicats to Health & Fitness (47 answers total)

Many school districts will comply with requests for the curriculum. This will allow you to judge it yourself, although I think that you might be better off asking him to tell you about what he's learning and what he thinks about it.
posted by plinth at 7:23 AM on January 13, 2010

As to your last question, you can ask the school or the district to let you review the materials before they're presented -- they'll probably assume you want to make sure is abstinence-y enough, but that will make them even more likely to let you check it out and see what exactly your kid will be presented with.
posted by katemonster at 7:25 AM on January 13, 2010

You could view it as an opportunity to tell your son not to sign off on blind obedience to authority or placating people.

Also: I don't think how to put a condom on is so opaque that it needs a demo from mom, but maybe your kid is stronger than I was as an adolescent. I'm female, but the point remains that if my mom did that I'd pass out. I'd probably still be unconscious.
posted by A Terrible Llama at 7:38 AM on January 13, 2010

In my experience, parental permission is required for any sex ed school stuff. Can you request that your child not be included?
posted by prefpara at 7:40 AM on January 13, 2010

The Unitarian Universalist church teaches a curriculum called Our Whole Lives that might be useful as a resource. You can read a little bit about it here, and perhaps contact your local congregation for more information?

Don't be frightened by the "church" part, if you're unfamiliar with the Unitarian Universalists let me just say that we, as members, describe it to other people as "hippie church". It is an excellent, comprehensive program and I wish more organizations approached sexuality in such a healthy, practical manner.
posted by padraigin at 7:41 AM on January 13, 2010

You can ask for him to be removed from class during sex ed. When I was in high school, we had the option of taking health at school or taking it by correspondence. I took it by correspondence so I could have an extra off period and missed out the abstinence-only fail. I got curriculum from a university where I learned exhaustive information on birth control methods.
I don't know if this is an option for middle school, but you could ask.
posted by ishotjr at 7:45 AM on January 13, 2010

Planned Parenthood usually offers sex education for their patients (you don't have to be sexually active to be a patient). You might want to look up your local PP and see what they offer. They can also give you a good deal of info re abstinence-only education. Also, the condom on the banana thing - totally uncomfortable discussion w/ a mom (IMO). PP can probably do that part too.
posted by melissasaurus at 7:45 AM on January 13, 2010

Also, if he might be weirded out by you demonstrating how a condom is put on (like on a model or whatever), is there any male person in his life that could show him without it being as awkward? Hopefully the school can find you a video that shows this, but if not, that could be a more comfortable option.
posted by ishotjr at 7:47 AM on January 13, 2010

Also, the Sexuality Information and Education Council of the US has a ton of info and resources on their site.
posted by melissasaurus at 7:52 AM on January 13, 2010

Yeah...it seems to be a universal response on the weirdness factor of the condom thing. Which is why I hadn't done it- I was thinking Freud would have a field day with that. :) But, as I replied to a personal message, I've always thought that I'd rather have him receive more information than he needs rather than not enough. And I know damn well that there have been situations where young partners are uncomfortable with applying a condom so they say screw it (heh) and forge ahead without one.

I considered the option of opting out of that lesson, but in the end, decided that was not necessary. No need to ostracise him, and I would rather hear from him what is being presented. That way, I get his interpretation of it and the things that are notable to him.

Thanks for the responses so far- I will definitely look into Padraigin's suggestion, that looks great!
posted by Eicats at 8:00 AM on January 13, 2010

If I were you I would talk to whatever instructor will be presenting this and ask to look at the materials, and then address any concerns.
posted by St. Alia of the Bunnies at 8:02 AM on January 13, 2010

Here's a cucumber demo video, courtesy of YouTube. Looked okay, although I didn't watch it all the way through.
posted by A Terrible Llama at 8:11 AM on January 13, 2010

I have emailed the instructor with a request for whatever copies of the instructional materials they can provide. Does anyone have any additional information pertaining to the second part of my question?
posted by Eicats at 8:11 AM on January 13, 2010

It sounds like you've armed your child pretty well to sniff out bullshit. I don't mean this to sound snarky, but give him some credit. Your son will probably figure things out pretty well despite what adults in his world shove at him. I say this as a guy that grew up in the DEEEEEEP south to liberal, feminist parents. I knew that the moralistic, thinly cloaked fundamentalism disguised as "sex education" was a crock and I survived to adulthood without impregnating a woman (or girl), forcing myself on a lover, contracting an STD, fearing intimacy or human bodies, or generally requiring psychological thereapy for my sexual deviance.

One thing that was greatly helpful was my annual attendance at a summer camp run by "Mainstream Protestants" who gave me a break from the generally Evangelical Fundamentalist moralism that was heaved upon me in my rural Alabama home. I had a peer group of like minded people as well as support to feel that the belief in liberal feminism and sexuality that I had been taught at home was not amoral. My wife likewise grew up in the South and attended a Unitarian Universalist camp in the summer, which gave her the same freedom to spread her wings.

Both the camp I attended (and the one I worked at in a different state) and my wife's camp included programs begining in the Middle School age group that involved sexual education. One year in 4 for the Jr and Sr high groups was known as a "Sex Camp" year. Sexuality would be openly discussed in all its glory and ugliness. There were lessons on condom use. A gay cabin counselor would talk about his experience coming out. One year I reacall there was an HIV positive counselor who talked about his experiences.

Another thing camp provided was a safe environment in which a young hormonal youth could explore some of the liberal pro-feminist sexuality (there was some making out involved). Kids came out at came every year, not just at "sex camp" in private or sometimes public meetings. By my last year the kids making out behind the art barn included just about any combination you could imagine. This was certainly the type of real-life training you could neither get from books nor your mom (well, I should hope not anyway).
posted by Pollomacho at 8:15 AM on January 13, 2010

One very good print reference you may want to check into is Larry Gonick's "Cartoon Guide To Sex." I've found all of Larry Gonicks' "cartoon guides" to be impressively and exhaustively well-researched, broad-minded, and informative -- plus whee, it's cartoons, so it's fun! (I picked up my copy as a jaded adult who'd already been having sex for 15 or so years, and even so, the image he drew for the panel where he was discussing the importance of lube actually made me laugh out loud.)

The "Cartoon Guide to Sex" covers not just mechanics and anatomy, contraception, and STDs, but also covers sexual ethics, fetishes, LBGT issues, emotional consequences, theories on why sexual reproduction even evolved, and conflict resolution. It's brilliant. (although, since your son is only 11, I'd say give it a read yourself before giving it to him to make sure the stuff on fetishes wouldn't blow his mind overly much; there's only a page or two of that, but you know what your kid can handle.)
posted by EmpressCallipygos at 8:15 AM on January 13, 2010

My parents gave me the book Changing Bodies, Changing Lives when I was about that age, maybe a year or two older. It was very helpful. It doesn't talk down to kids, and it has tons of information.
posted by number9dream at 8:24 AM on January 13, 2010

Just as a data point, not everyone is horrified by the idea of having their mom do the cucumber/banana condom talk. My mom is the one who showed me, and it's a story I tell my friends pretty proudly. The universal reaction to that is that my mom is pretty brave, and that it's really cool that we're so open with each other, especially about sex.

As for the second part of your question, you (and your son) might want to watch The Education of Shelby Knox.
posted by dizziest at 8:36 AM on January 13, 2010

I know this addresses your second question without answering it, but you should go to Board of Ed meetings and speak directly to the board in addition to the letters. The Board of Ed should have open forum opportunties for parents to be heard. Some have specific times at each meeting, some have specific meetings where this takes place. That's also a way of getting your opnion out in more public where there might be other parents present who will join the cause.
posted by archimago at 8:39 AM on January 13, 2010

For your second question, SIECUS, linked above, is really the best resource on the harms of abstinence-only sex ed and what a parent can do about it.

Here's a list of reports.
What research says about abstinence only sex ed - fact sheet.
List of resources
Community Action Kit website.
posted by gingerbeer at 8:49 AM on January 13, 2010

Depends on the program. I second the idea of getting a look at the material.

Does this program merely leave out stuff about contraception that you think is useful? Which you can then add on later? Or does it truly "shove" an agenda -- e.g. sex is bad and you're bad if you do it before you're married -- down the kid's throats? Then I believe you can opt your own child out.

As for fighting the program in general. That's a page from the fundamentalists playbook. Do you really want to go there?

As a moderate Christian parent, I am responsible to be aware of and critique my kids' school's approach to values-charged subjects such as sex. And then decide whether I opt-in, opt-out, or opt-in with addenda afterward. I feel no call to crusade against stuff taught in the schools that is against our family's values.

The schools themselves are in a tough position, damned if they do, damned if they don't, somebody's gonna be up in arms no matter what. Think of it from the other side. You're experiencing what the fundamentalist families experienced when sex ed was first introduced and they felt like they had no control over what values were taught in the schools. There's an opportunity for empathy here, both with faculty and with families with more conservative values.
posted by cross_impact at 8:53 AM on January 13, 2010

My mom read me James Dobson's "Preparing For Adolescence" out loud when she tucked me in at night. Whatever you do, please do not do that to your kid. I'm still recovering.
posted by elvissinatra at 9:14 AM on January 13, 2010

FWIW, my district taught an "abstinence positive" curriculum. In my own experience (and this was 1998, but still), the 6th grade sex ed is focused mostly on preparing girls for their first periods, and boys for erections and nocturnal emissions. "Puberty education" might be a more accurate term. They made sure we knew what sex is, how babies are made, the correct names for all the parts, and especially about all the changes both genders go through with puberty. We also got deodorant samples! I'm guessing it hasn't changed much in 12 years and they will still focus on puberty and "what is sex?," rather than any editorializing. It was all pretty straightforward and scientific.

My district repeated sex ed in eighth grade and tenth grade, with each course more in-depth, covering more about pregnancy and STDs, stuff like that. Nothing was inaccurate, but it sometimes omitted information or made things seem somewhat black-and-white. Later on (like around age 14, 15), your son may encounter messages like this:

-Abstinence is the only 100% effective method of birth control. There are other methods (the curriculum may or may not explain what they are; mine did), but not having sex is the ONLY way you will absolutely positively prevent pregnancy and STDs.

-Babies are an enormous responsibility, and expensive and time consuming. You should not have sex unless you are financially and mentally ready to raise a baby.

-The people who are the most financially and mentally ready to have a baby, are married couples with jobs. So your best bet is to wait until that time.

-Sex is between a man and a woman (they did not condemn homosexuality or anything like that, but rather it was just omitted entirely and not presented as a possibility).

-They also did not tell us where to acquire other methods of birth control...but by then we all had the Internet, so it didn't really matter.

Hope that helps you determine what to discuss with your son. Good luck!
posted by castlebravo at 9:22 AM on January 13, 2010

I can point you to a bunch of specific research (both on personal resources and in support of a LTE) if you'd like, but not today; I'm swamped!

What state are you in, assuming US.

Also, there are many organizations that run peer-education and other programs aimed at preventing teen pregnancy and STDs. I'd be happy to do a quick google for you once I know where you live and evaluate them based on my experience with evidence-based programs. Signing your kid up for one of those will provide accurate information and a jumping off point for your ability to correct any misinformation coming from either place.

I can also help you evaluate the curriculum the school has. Just not today. :-)

I've memailed you.
posted by Stewriffic at 9:37 AM on January 13, 2010

Oh. I am a sex educator, and I'd be happy to be your sex educator.
posted by Stewriffic at 9:38 AM on January 13, 2010

Sex is between a man and a woman (they did not condemn homosexuality or anything like that, but rather it was just omitted entirely and not presented as a possibility).

Just to tack on here, not only was it omitted as a posibility, but when it did come up was during talk about "high risk" behavior, making it seem crass and dangerous, somehow equated with IV drug use or prostitution.
posted by Pollomacho at 9:39 AM on January 13, 2010

Other good organizations/groups to look at:
Advocates for Youth
The National Campaign to Prevent Teen and Unplanned Pregnancy
Healthy Teen Network

posted by Stewriffic at 9:55 AM on January 13, 2010

Cross_impact and Castlebravo have made the point about the 6th grade education being more of a prep for puberty changing issues. This is true- and I expect that is the case. (I won't know for sure until I see the material and get feedback from my son) But the school sent out a flier ahead of time to just notify the parents that this unit was coming up and that the school district as a whole utilizes an "abstinence program". Those words exactly. So it's a good question if it is an abstinence-only fundamentalist moralizing program or an "abstinence positive" curriculum. At any rate, even though they aren't likely to delve too far into things right now, I am preparing for the additional programs in the higher grades, since now I have been told that the entire district uses this type of program.

As far as "fighting" this issue. That isn't really what I'm trying to do. I'm not preparing for a war on this. That's why (although it has now been suggested several times) I am not planning to appear in person at a school board meeting. However, I do want to express in writing the reasons why I would like to see the district utilize a comprehensive sex education program. Sure, there are probably other parents who also share my viewpoint on this, but I think it starts with just raising the issue of why there could be opposition to an abstinence-structured curriculum (in North Dakota, btw). Then at least the school board cannot claim to have never received any objections and it will give them some material to review (that's why I wanted studies, publications, etc., not just my personal viewpoint).
posted by Eicats at 10:00 AM on January 13, 2010

Oh and something for your son to check out that I totally love: Midwest Teen Sex Show. It's a frank discussion of anything related to sex and it's made by other teenagers and they are awesome.
posted by stinker at 10:06 AM on January 13, 2010

Pollomacho: "Just to tack on here, not only was it [homosexual sex] omitted as a posibility, but when it did come up was during talk about "high risk" behavior, making it seem crass and dangerous, somehow equated with IV drug use or prostitution."

Um...I'm normally all for keeping my opinions out of other people's bedrooms, but the reason homosexuality was discussed as a high(er)-risk behavior is because it is a higher-risk behavior. This is not because the public school system hates gays (although depending on your district that may coincidentally also happen to be true). This is because a man having homosexual sex is a man having sex with a "man who has sex with men" (MSM) and HIV is much more prevalent among MSM. See the first link from the CDC (warning: PDF) when you Google "prevalence of HIV in gay population"
posted by d. z. wang at 10:21 AM on January 13, 2010

the reason homosexuality was discussed as a high(er)-risk behavior isit is a higher-risk behavior.

Anal sex is a higher risk behavior, not being gay.
posted by Stewriffic at 10:27 AM on January 13, 2010

(Obviously there is a disparity in HIV rates in MSM, but anal sex is something that people with any combination of penis and anus can participate in. Being a gay or bisexual man does not mean you have to have anal sex. If you do, however, then yes, it's higher risk. You need to separate behavior from sexual identity, though)
posted by Stewriffic at 10:37 AM on January 13, 2010

I'm astonished that I'm the first person to recommend Scarleteen.com.
posted by Sidhedevil at 10:41 AM on January 13, 2010

I was thinking the same thing, Sidhedevil! Which is why I was going to recommend it!
posted by cooker girl at 10:48 AM on January 13, 2010

I've memailed the OP a bunch of stuff specific to the state where she lives, including contact information for her state teen pregnancy prevention coalition (All states' contacts here [PDF])

(Blame my multiple, short answers today on multitasking)
posted by Stewriffic at 10:54 AM on January 13, 2010

d.z.wang, yes, unprotected, anonymous anal sex in a public restroom is certainly high risk behavior of the magnitude of shooting up with strangers in a back alley shooting gallery, that much is true. I know that to the average Fundamentalist "sex ed" curriculum author it seems that this sort of behavior is synonymous with homosexuality, since having unprotected, anonymous anal sex in a public bathroom is likely their only personal experience with homosexuality, but in reality being gay is way more than simply where a man puts his penis.
posted by Pollomacho at 11:01 AM on January 13, 2010

And just to add, having sex (protected or not) with your long time, monogamous, regularly tested, very much gay husband, is considerably less of a risk for contraction of an STD than, say, sleeping with loose, drunk women you pick up randomly in a bar, yet no one would put "heterosexuality" on a list of high risk activity.
posted by Pollomacho at 11:09 AM on January 13, 2010

I can't resist pointing out that the [slightly derailing but still on-topic] posts regarding risk levels of anal sex perfectly illustrate why comprehensive sex education is needed! I don't want a seemingly simple statement being taught like "homosexual sex=high risk (then interpretted by the students as being gay=dangerous=wrong). I want a true discussion like what the posts that followed: anonymous anal sex is higher risk of STDs, but just being gay is not.
posted by Eicats at 11:15 AM on January 13, 2010

Stewriffic: "(Obviously there is a disparity in HIV rates in MSM, but anal sex is something that people with any combination of penis and anus can participate in. Being a gay or bisexual man does not mean you have to have anal sex. If you do, however, then yes, it's higher risk. You need to separate behavior from sexual identity, though)"

You're right, and my language was not clear enough. As Pollomacho points out downthread, a monogamous homosexual (or, for that matter, polyamorous but closed) relationship where neither partner enters with a disease is just as safe as the heterosexual equivalent. And as long as we're discussing safe but non-mainstream lifestyles, I hear there are segments of the BDSM community that make a fetish of abstinence. Now there's something the school board wouldn't want you teaching sixth graders!

What I meant, and what I should have said, is that those CDC statistics indicate that a casual sexual encounter (oral, anal, stomal, any-al that involves a mucous membrane on each participant) between people of unknown sexual history is of higher risk when one of the participants is an MSM. But that's a valid scenario to discuss because, really, how many sixth graders do you know who get tested regularly and restrain themselves to stable monogramous relationships?

Pollomacho: "36d.z.wang, yes, unprotected, anonymous anal sex in a public restroom is certainly high risk behavior of the magnitude of shooting up with strangers in a back alley shooting gallery, that much is true.

Also in that order of magnitude is unprotected oral sex in someone's bedroom if you don't know what he's been up to before you came along. But, yes, since you mention it, so is picking up loose women in bars. You were making a point about the vagueness of my language and I accept the criticism.
posted by d. z. wang at 11:46 AM on January 13, 2010

Not to cast blame at you d.z.wang, but that vagueness is precisely what feeds the moralists painting of homosexuality as bad. They can point to CDC statistics as you did, without the clarifications regarding unprotected behavior, anal sex and tissue tearing, etc as demonstration that it is homosexuality that is the risk factor rather than the risky bahaviors.

In general the "abstinence only" education croud tends to deal in absolutes (thus the whole debate). The "responsible sexuality" side by nature deals in shades of grey. "You shall not have sex before (hetero) marriage" is very clearly and rigidly absolute, whereas "sex has a lot of risks that you should consider before you decide to go for it, should you and your partner(s) consensually decide that you want to go for it" comes off as a bit vague. Honesty, it is far easier to craft absolutes than subtle areguments that leave decisions up to individuals, but beyond that it is very easy when using absolutes to slip in a deliberately vague notion and thereby color it as an absolute.
posted by Pollomacho at 12:17 PM on January 13, 2010

Eicats, I'm a school board member -- be clear, concise, and on point. Many of the letters I get are scattered, hard to follow, hysterical in tone, and over-the-top in rhetoric. I appreciate the emotion and passion people invest in issues involving their children, but it's much easier to take someone seriously who is straightforward and clear. You may even write your letter briefly outlining your reasons and include a second page with the reference materials. I would probably end with, "I'd ask you to reconsider your curriculum in light of this data showing that students are better served by comprehensive sex ed," or something like that.

Keep in mind that in some states, funding may be tied to presenting a specific curriculum of abstinence-only sex ed, or that your school may be receiving grant funds from an abstinence-only organization. In that case, you can talk until you're blue in the face but the curriculum will follow the money.
posted by Eyebrows McGee at 1:08 PM on January 13, 2010

Nthing The Education of Shelby Knox. There is a scene with the youth pastor at her church in which he describes the ways birth control can fail and the things it can't prevent--without giving percentages.
posted by brujita at 1:46 PM on January 13, 2010

show your son any of the wealth of information online about the ineffectiveness and misinformation presented in abstinence-only education. explain that he's about to get taught some controversial information and that he should have the benefit of more information than they will provide. he's eventually going to have to make up his own mind anyhow, and that way you won't be one voice against the school's curriculum.

for what it's worth, it's never too early to start this kind of communication, either. he's already been taught any number of falsehoods with regard to other non-sexual topics/subjects that will need to be corrected in later life for him to truly understand the issues that were discussed.
posted by radiosilents at 2:58 PM on January 13, 2010

Consider meeting with the teacher to get a feel for anything they present that may not be in the textbook or lesson plans. Some teachers I had offered an anonymous question and answer session. It's a great idea for kids to be able to get informed answers about all the things that get gossiped about, but there's also a chance that the teacher may reinforce misconceptions. (I think Mr. Terriniski was told that masturbating is something only deviants do.) So if a Q&A session is on the lesson plan, it might be a good idea to ask the teacher about typical questions that were asked and how they have been answered.
posted by Terriniski at 3:35 PM on January 13, 2010

On reflection, I wanted to add this might be an opportunity for teaching tolerance of other people's beliefs, and to say that while you don't share the viewpoint that abstinence-only programs are the best response to adolescent sexual behavior, some people believe these things for a variety of reasons, among them religion and a belief in "traditional family values" and that you trust him to start to think critically about some of these ideas and the realities that emerge from them (prop 8 in California for example).

Then again, you're going to be scraping him off the floor after the whole cucumber demo so maybe you just want to leave well enough alone. ;-)
posted by A Terrible Llama at 3:50 PM on January 13, 2010

Mr. Terriniski here.

I had awful sex ed. Luckily (or maybe unluckily), I had the internet to fill in the gaps with more information than I ever could have wanted.

My lovely wife is right in that you need to get a feel for the teacher's own method of going through the class. In my case, it wasn't that the actual book was bad, but it was the information that the teacher would give in those ever-so-honest "Put your question in the box and we'll answer it as truthfully as possible." That's where the real issues came up.

Someone else asked the question in 7th grade, but I was told, hands down, that only boys with too much testosterone and that were sick ever masturbated. Seeing as I'd just figured it out, it REALLY messed with me. For quite a while. Then again, my school district also took every kid out of school to have an "abstinence pep rally," so maybe it wasn't just my experience.

As for the second part of your question, this study mentions that participants had just as many sexual partners as nonparticipants and had sex at the same median age as nonparticipants. This study discusses virginity pledges and how effective they are.

The other side has papers and numbers that they've published to go their own direction, but I'd suggest reading some of the citations before you make any judgments.

Hope this is helpful at all, and good luck with this.
posted by SNWidget at 4:53 PM on January 13, 2010

I'd suggest not removing your child from the class, unless a lot of other parents are doing that too. Removing him from the class just adds anxiety and makes it an even bigger deal than it needs to be. Better to let him go to the class but let him know what you think of it -- even encourage him to think critically about it himself.
posted by y6t5r4e3w2q1 at 4:54 PM on January 13, 2010

A followup to the "other side" link I posted: here's a few points about the studies involved in that paper, including how some of them aren't really up to snuff. Post as a "just in case" someone tries to bring any of those studies up to you as to how abstinence-only education and virginity pledges actually work.
posted by SNWidget at 5:08 PM on January 13, 2010