Do you never apologize for anything?
November 17, 2009 10:28 AM Subscribe
Are you one of those people that never apologizes for anything, just on general principle? How do you make that work? And does it work? Extended question inside.
Some people never apologize. For anything. Period.
Some may say, "Well, these are just smug, pampered fucks" and stop right there. I think it goes deeper.
Some of these people have deliberately (or perhaps unknowingly) adopted a policy in which apologies are actually harmful to a relationship, and is something to be avoided in their version of "harmony."
Others take an apology as a sign they have adopted a subservient role, and so therefore it's just not something in their personal playbook. They don't want to be subservient to anyone, if not literally, then figuratively (e.g. "I may report to my boss in a workplace hierarchy, but I am not subservient to him/her.").
Some might call this a passive-aggressive behavior, and/or an avoidance of accepting responsibility. But some actually get this to work in an aggressive-aggressive manner. "I take responsibility for my actions. Here's why I did what I did. Given what I know now, I would do something different. But neither do I feel remorse, nor will I show any."
This spans workplace and personal relationships. Examples of non-apology reactions when faced with a situation in which an apology might be warranted:
Workplace:
* I'm late for your meeting? Well, I'm here now, so let's get started.
* I made you work late? Let's work on your time management skills.
* I don't have the files you need? Let's see what we can do.
Relationships:
* I hurt your feelings? It's very sad that you feel that way.
* I didn't call you back? Wow, I got busy yesterday.
* I borrowed your ItemName and didn't return it? Yeah, I needed it another day, and then just plain forgot. You know how that goes.
If you are one of these people doing it deliberately, why? Does it work for you? HOW?
If you are not, does this drive you NUTS? If you can't change this behavior, how do you healthfully react to it.
Some people never apologize. For anything. Period.
Some may say, "Well, these are just smug, pampered fucks" and stop right there. I think it goes deeper.
Some of these people have deliberately (or perhaps unknowingly) adopted a policy in which apologies are actually harmful to a relationship, and is something to be avoided in their version of "harmony."
Others take an apology as a sign they have adopted a subservient role, and so therefore it's just not something in their personal playbook. They don't want to be subservient to anyone, if not literally, then figuratively (e.g. "I may report to my boss in a workplace hierarchy, but I am not subservient to him/her.").
Some might call this a passive-aggressive behavior, and/or an avoidance of accepting responsibility. But some actually get this to work in an aggressive-aggressive manner. "I take responsibility for my actions. Here's why I did what I did. Given what I know now, I would do something different. But neither do I feel remorse, nor will I show any."
This spans workplace and personal relationships. Examples of non-apology reactions when faced with a situation in which an apology might be warranted:
Workplace:
* I'm late for your meeting? Well, I'm here now, so let's get started.
* I made you work late? Let's work on your time management skills.
* I don't have the files you need? Let's see what we can do.
Relationships:
* I hurt your feelings? It's very sad that you feel that way.
* I didn't call you back? Wow, I got busy yesterday.
* I borrowed your ItemName and didn't return it? Yeah, I needed it another day, and then just plain forgot. You know how that goes.
If you are one of these people doing it deliberately, why? Does it work for you? HOW?
If you are not, does this drive you NUTS? If you can't change this behavior, how do you healthfully react to it.
This post was deleted for the following reason: this manages to be chatfilter and insult the people you're trying to question - if you're super serious about this idea, try to find a less loaded way to ask. -- jessamyn
Some may say, "Well, these are just smug, pampered fucks" and stop right there. I think it goes deeper.
I think you're incorrect. I think these are just smug, pampered fucks.
People who apologize or take responsibility, no matter where fault really lies, all gain stature in my eyes. This applies to professional life as well as personal.
Those who do not apologize or duck responsibility lose respect from me.
posted by rokusan at 10:35 AM on November 17, 2009 [1 favorite]
I think you're incorrect. I think these are just smug, pampered fucks.
People who apologize or take responsibility, no matter where fault really lies, all gain stature in my eyes. This applies to professional life as well as personal.
Those who do not apologize or duck responsibility lose respect from me.
posted by rokusan at 10:35 AM on November 17, 2009 [1 favorite]
Response by poster: Please note in my question, I believe some people the display this behavior do take responsibility for their actions, but don't ever show remorse. They don't deny reality; they're just not going to apologize to you. "Yes, I am late for your meeting. Let's get started now."
posted by Cool Papa Bell at 10:39 AM on November 17, 2009
posted by Cool Papa Bell at 10:39 AM on November 17, 2009
Does this drive you NUTS?
No, but it lowers my opinion of the person in question significantly.
(Also surprised that such people never figure how defusing an apology can be- I've seen people ready to launch major offensives just crumble in the face of an "I'm sorry". More entertaining than a blow out fight would have been.)
Insincere apologies on the other hand....
posted by IndigoJones at 10:41 AM on November 17, 2009 [1 favorite]
No, but it lowers my opinion of the person in question significantly.
(Also surprised that such people never figure how defusing an apology can be- I've seen people ready to launch major offensives just crumble in the face of an "I'm sorry". More entertaining than a blow out fight would have been.)
Insincere apologies on the other hand....
posted by IndigoJones at 10:41 AM on November 17, 2009 [1 favorite]
I find it much easier to apologize at work, where I am at the bottom of the totem pole and the power structure is obvious.
It is a little more difficult to apologize during arguments with my boyfriend. Sometimes, unfortunately, I just want to hear that I am right or that my pov is valid. The power structure is a little more evened out. I have outright demanded apologies, and outright refused to give them. And sometimes I have apologized incincerely. No the best dynamic.
The goal is to be less of a doormat or less agreeable at work and more something at home. I can't even think of the word that fits there.
posted by mokeydraws at 10:42 AM on November 17, 2009
It is a little more difficult to apologize during arguments with my boyfriend. Sometimes, unfortunately, I just want to hear that I am right or that my pov is valid. The power structure is a little more evened out. I have outright demanded apologies, and outright refused to give them. And sometimes I have apologized incincerely. No the best dynamic.
The goal is to be less of a doormat or less agreeable at work and more something at home. I can't even think of the word that fits there.
posted by mokeydraws at 10:42 AM on November 17, 2009
This is chatfiltery, but I'll bite: every single one of those examples you gave made me seethe, just for a second, even though they are completely hypothetical. So, yes, it drives me nuts. And several of those examples seem to communicate a pretty blatant lack of respect and/or care for the other person's time and/or feelings.
posted by lunasol at 10:45 AM on November 17, 2009
posted by lunasol at 10:45 AM on November 17, 2009
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posted by punishinglemur at 10:33 AM on November 17, 2009 [2 favorites]