A Baby Elephant.

September 10, 2009 3:56 AM

Just curious/LoveFilter: When did you realize that they were "the one?"

Yeah, I know, I'm a bit young to be wondering about this kind of thing, but still. We can't all step out onto the Empire State Building observation deck with our son looking for his backpack and see Meg Ryan there, so when do us non-movie people know?

posted by the NATURAL to Human Relations (23 answers total)

Response by poster: In a more practical light, I guess this is partly so I can be self-aware and not miss this sort of moment in my own life, if and when it happens.
posted by the NATURAL at 3:58 AM on September 10, 2009

Recent related FPP. There isn't really a "The One". Most likely, there are a few people out there who will make you feel like they are "The One", and that you are their "One" (granted... it may only be a handful, but I am quite certain that it is a number > 1 ). If everything feels right, then simply allow that person to be "The One". There's a lot of unexplained, mystical stuff in the world, but the idea that each person has one single soulmate wandering out there waiting to be discovered is simply untrue, and in the worst scenarios it can be a damaging myth.
posted by molecicco at 4:14 AM on September 10, 2009

I would guess that for a lot of people it's just something you just realise in retrospect - after a year, or after twenty years spent with that person.

Sometimes they only become 'the one' after they've gone. And of course sometimes 'the one' stops being 'the one'.

I think it's best to live life on the assumption that there is no 'one', and there may never be. Life isn't a perfect jigsaw. Learning to love someone despite their faults has its own rewards.
posted by le morte de bea arthur at 4:24 AM on September 10, 2009 [2 favorites]

Objectively: what molecicco said.

Subjectively: I knew on the first date. My wife took 18 months. YMMV.
posted by blue_wardrobe at 4:24 AM on September 10, 2009

Totally subjective, and I think it has more to do where you are in life than anything else; timing is everything. I knew the moment our eyes met I still remember that moment exactly even though it has been well over a decade. A couple of months later I met someone else at a party and I could see the thunderbolt hit and for him I was the ONE. I still feel bad about that. I think one of the key things though is to be complete yourself and not feel like someone is needed to fill a gap you have yourself. May I suggest reading the missing piece?
posted by saucysault at 5:04 AM on September 10, 2009

HERE BE DRAGONS!

... that is: it took me four years to realize she wasn't the one.
posted by koeselitz at 5:19 AM on September 10, 2009 [1 favorite]

This is the question that takes up four hundred thousand libraries to answer.
posted by at the crossroads at 5:32 AM on September 10, 2009 [1 favorite]

When he revealed that he shared my indifference to offspring.
Bone-jumping time!
posted by BostonTerrier at 5:50 AM on September 10, 2009 [1 favorite]

the idea that each person has one single soulmate wandering out there waiting to be discovered is simply untrue, and in the worst scenarios it can be a damaging myth.

It's a damaging myth no matter what. As an idea it's probably done more to make people unhappy than the idea of a master race.

The best advice I've heard, sappy though it is, is that being "The One" is a job, not a job requirement. You probably have a shot at true happiness with anyone with whom you share a basic level of compatibility, respect, and attractiveness. Beyond that, how well it works (i.e., whether your partner is "The One") is based on how hard you're both willing to work.
posted by hayvac at 6:01 AM on September 10, 2009 [4 favorites]

First date, also. Absolutely no doubt in my mind.
posted by roomthreeseventeen at 6:03 AM on September 10, 2009

This kind of reminded me of a brief discussion on "Ones" from Flight of the Conchords.

To be honest, the idea that there is a "One" out there for each of us is a bit terrifying. What if you never met your One? What if you did meet your One but fucked up your chances to be together? What if your One accidentally married someone else? What a horrible world (I think) it would be if we all did actually have a One. But, I suspect this is not exactly what you mean.

I don't believe there's a "the One" for each of us, but I do think there are numerous potential "Good Ones" that we can commit to, grow with, and care for in a profound, singular way for many, many years. When you commit to a Good One for you, obviously you will not always feel happy, glowing love feelings toward them. But happy, glowing love feelings are not what true real love is about, thank God. I think you can reliably determine whether you've met a Good One through communication, emotional honesty, mature reflection, and discipline. Do you laugh easily with each other? Are you attracted to each other? Do you challenge each other to grow and become better humans? Are you generous and forgiving when the other fails or falters? Are you both excited to see where your lives go together? I think if you can say yes to these things, you've found a Good One who is worth, for all practical purposes, being your One.
posted by hegemone at 6:31 AM on September 10, 2009

I knew on some level after our first kiss. My logical brain took a little longer to get on board.
posted by Green Eyed Monster at 6:37 AM on September 10, 2009

The one...the one. I'm happily married, love my wife and my family, and feel incredibly lucky every day, but I still have trouble with this idealized concept of "the one." I say this because if I had held out for "the one" I might still be waiting. This is not to say that my wife is not the absolutely perfect fit for me, because she is, but I only realized this after I had abandoned the notion of "the one." It was hard for me to realize that while I was out there looking for the perfect person to fulfill me, I was overlooking everything that was within my own power to be the person I wanted to be. I left my career, took a trade, went back to school, went back to school again, ruined my financial security, moved to be closer to my family (and then away again), confronted unresolved issues, and spent a lot of time alone with myself. Let me be absolutely, crystal clear - If I had not done these things for myself, no one would have been the right person for me because I really wasn't that happy with myself.

Once I was set rather deeply on this radical new path to figuring out what life-decisions I was willing to live with and which ones I was not, I met this weird, hilarious country girl who seemed to be wrangling with a lot of the same imperatives and issues that I was. Moreover, even though we came from different family upbringings, different "hollows," different lifestyles, different everything, we shared a deep cultural understanding of how the particular place where our families settled affect how one approaches the world. So while it didn't take very long for me to realize that, on first appearances, she probably was as far from this "one" that everyone seems to talk about as I could get, she and I connected on a fundamental level. I don't want to call it any one thing because no way of characterizing this connect seems adequate. Let's just say that it existed and did so far beyond any sexual attraction or notion of romance.

It didn't take me very long to realize that I absolutely believed in this woman, her talents, her ambitions, her intelligence, her past experiences, and everything that it had made her, for better and worse. I realized that I would follow her anywhere she went, that I would stand up for her, and let her guide me as I made my most important decisions (a biggie). And I have, consistently, even when it hasn't served my own selfish interests. We operate as a family, a unit, a highly functioning team. Does this mean she's "the one" or that this is "true love"? That's not really how I think of things, and it might not really be for me to decide, but I know that we are together and that this is *exactly* how things should be, even when they aren't going so well and they often don't. Of course, when they do it's magic. The future? I see that our future is blind and I'm okay with that because I know we exist in the present moments of our life and that each day I have to wake up and say, "this is the person I'm with no matter what happens."

I don't know if that means that "she's the one" or that "I'm a fool," but that's how it is and the only what I can envision it being. I'm committed to maintaining that harmony and to sacrifice for it. So, the next time you ask yourself, is this person "the one," I recommend you ask yourself instead "am I the one" because you are probably searching for something that no one else can provide you but yourself. When you find "the one one" you will know because you will be at the point in your life where you recognize what that means to you, even if you can't articulate it yet. If you are me (and of course you aren't) it means you will have given up everything, found yourself, and then found someone who you find yourself steadfastly committed to each day because that makes you who you want to be.

I guess maybe what I'm trying to say is that life is too short to waste on looking for "the one."
posted by mrmojoflying at 6:40 AM on September 10, 2009 [5 favorites]

When I realised that our relationship is getting better every day, and that I can't imagine not having this man in my life, it dawned on me that I had found my 'one'.

I think it was about 2 months after we started seeing each other, when I realised that I knew. I'm even more certain now, another 6 months later, that this IS the love of my life (although I'm open to the idea that one day there'll be an even better relationship, but I cannot imagine how, as this one's pretty damned perfect already).

It wasn't a sudden flash like a thunderbolt, for me. It was more of a gradual dawning over a few rough days as we conquered our first biggish problems and came out the other side stronger, closer, and even more determined to work on making this relationship breathtakingly awesome.

And I really like hayvac's take on this too, that being 'the one' is a job, not a job requirement.

Don't worry. You'll know.
posted by malibustacey9999 at 6:46 AM on September 10, 2009

Let's say that by "the one" we mean one (not necessarily the only single individual in the whole world) that we can love and live happily with past the stage of early bliss, past the honeymoon stage, past being young and hot, someone we can live with and love "'til death do us part" and feel grateful and amazed the entire time that we are that lucky. (Because there are other love relationships that are completely real and precious, but not meant to be for the long-haul, for whatever reason.)

For me, the question of "missing the moment" was never in play; it would have been as possible to miss it as missing a tornado in your living room.

"Cloud nine"; "seventh heaven"; "walking on air"; "over the moon"; "swept away"? - All that hyperbolic language about love? I felt all that. He felt all that. We felt/feel connected by an invisible string, heart-to-heart, mind-to-mind, forever and ever (and we're on 20 years now). It was to simple infatuation as a Ferrari is to a coach and buggy.

But just like everyone is different about everything else, everyone is different about love. For me, it didn't, and probably would never, happen that love crept up on me by surprise... that it turned out the one I loved was right under my nose and I didn't recognize it until suddenly I did. Maybe someone else here has a history like that, and that's another real and profound way that someone might find "the one." I also wouldn't have that sort of we-hated-each-other-at-first, but then all that tension turned into a volcanic passion - but others have that true experience. Some people don't really want or need the whole sort exclusive thing suggested by "the one" at all, some people want it but sabotage it, some people have serial "Ones" ... eh, people are different. You're different than me, or a Meg Ryan movie, or your best friend's wedding.

You have to look at how you are with other meaningful relationships*... do you start slowly, keeping your feelings mostly hidden until you really get to know the person? Or have you made great and lasting friends with people with whom you seem to have an instant simpatico? Are you someone who is often bored with people unless you have a sort of challenging/competitive relationship? These are all also important clues about the sort of relationship that you might have with the one you could be happy with romantically, and how that might develop. When I fell in love with my husband, it wasn't as though the initial connection happened in a way that significantly departed from how I had become close with other people in my history - it was just like a distillation of the essence of those sorts of feelings to an ultimate rocket-fuel concentrate that was like Ecstasy squared. And then squared again.

In retrospect, looking at how both of us are, what our individual backgrounds were like, what our personalities were/are like, it seems plain as day and the most logical thing in the world that we attached - inevitable, really. But at the time it seemed impossibly miraculous and world-tilting.

Both things are true.

* this would also include your family relationships, but that's beyond the purview of what can be addressed here! :)
posted by taz at 6:47 AM on September 10, 2009

Short answer:

(1) it isn't something you "realize" so much as it is something you "decide";

(2) you can make that decision, and unmake it, at any point in a relationship;

(3) if you want insight as to when you will know that someone else is "the one," to inform your judgment as to whether it's smart to keep seeing someone, you are probably better off looking at how decisive/impulsive you are in other respects and how romantic you are by disposition. If you feel an immediate kinship with your cell phone (or want to show everyone your new car and give it a pet name, or actually like Sleepless in Seattle), you may be more prone to early and decisive attachment . . . or maybe disappointment, when it turns out the batteries suck.
posted by Clyde Mnestra at 7:01 AM on September 10, 2009

I knew he had me when I was in Paris and I chose to stay in my hotel room talking to him on the phone instead of seeing the sights.

I knew he was the one forever when I was hospitalized for four days and he never left my side.
posted by desjardins at 7:06 AM on September 10, 2009 [1 favorite]

I think you've found "the one" when as a unit, you are greater than the sum of your parts. When you are a better person with them than alone.
posted by Go Banana at 7:16 AM on September 10, 2009 [1 favorite]

My husband swears that he has loved me from the first day that we met, and I absolutely believe him (based on his actions, and what I could see in his response to me). I knew that there was the possibility of something special but made him wait eight months before I would date him while I untangled myself from an existing (fairly complicated) relationship. Once I did let him in, it took about 48 hours for me to have my own moment of 'he's the one'.

For me, the question of "missing the moment" was never in play; it would have been as possible to miss it as missing a tornado in your living room.

And despite the fact that I second taz's sentiments on 'the moment', I don't believe that there is just one person that can do that to us. I also met a man a number of years ago who I know could also have been the 'one' were the circumstances of our lives different. I'm just grateful I found that feeling again after having to let it go the first time.
posted by scrute at 7:18 AM on September 10, 2009

I think you've found "the one" when as a unit, you are greater than the sum of your parts. When you are a better person with them than alone.

Not to be a killjoy, but I think the odds that this is something you decide to tell yourself, as opposed to something determinable, are such as would make a Vegas casino blush.
posted by Clyde Mnestra at 7:21 AM on September 10, 2009

About eight years after we got married?
posted by Katravax at 7:45 AM on September 10, 2009

For me I think it was when I realized that no matter what I was doing, I would rather be doing it with her. That's what sharing your life with someone is. It's not about sharing the moments where you feel giddily happy, its about sharing the mundane. If you realize that grocery shopping is more fun with the other person, that's a good sign.

It's important, though, that this feeling hangs around after a bit of time. Of course when everything is new and exciting you enjoy it, but what you're looking for is to enjoy it after you've done it day in and day out for years. This of course takes time, and means that there's less chance that a moment will pass you'll just "know." This doesn't mean that when you feel a "moment" that you're wrong, just that you should experience it, enjoy it, and see if you feel differently in six months. If you don't, then you've found someone special.

Obviously, relationships are funny things and everyone's is different, but I want to spend the rest of my life with my wife because I hate doing things without her and being with her gives me the chance to do as much as possible with her. For me this works out great, as for wife, well, ask her about that time I dragged her to see Blade Trinity.
posted by Bulgaroktonos at 7:59 AM on September 10, 2009

When I knew he was the one was the morning we were getting dressed and we spontaneously burst into Just Can't Get Enough with each of us taking the correct part for our vocal range. But that summed up a long process of "getting it", a factor that had been sorely missing in my previous relationships (including my first marriage).

I was lucky enough to get the cute storybook moment, but not everyone does.
posted by immlass at 8:03 AM on September 10, 2009