Dumped and dealing with flakey emotions
September 9, 2009 5:57 AM Subscribe
So, the guy I dated dumped me. I didn't want to believe this man who introduced me to his parents and indicated a steady future would pull emotionally away from me. He tore in like a tornado and left my emotions to lay in it's aftermath. Correct me if I'm wrong, but if you are serious about a relationship... don't you look for good qualities in the person while also finding them attractive and BUILDING on a connection as friends first instead of head strong lovers? We never got the chance to build a strong foundation as friends, it went right to heavy dating and I found his communication was changing as soon as we dated. He became more quiet and was not returning the flow of conversation back to me but the attraction was insane. It wasn't til after we decided to stay friends where the conversation and connection was back! This hurts! Can anyone relate to this flakiness of emotions? I can't explain it all but as I go along in this thread I can.
This post was deleted for the following reason: I feel for your situation, but Ask MetaFilter needs a defined question that people can answer. 'Can anyone relate' is chatfilter territory. -- pb
It wasn't til after we decided to stay friends where the conversation and connection was back! This hurts!
Why do you want to continue to do something that hurts so much? Take a break. Take some time for yourself. Make a change either small or significant. Revisit it when you have more peace of mind (and you will).
posted by plinth at 6:20 AM on September 9, 2009
Why do you want to continue to do something that hurts so much? Take a break. Take some time for yourself. Make a change either small or significant. Revisit it when you have more peace of mind (and you will).
posted by plinth at 6:20 AM on September 9, 2009
I'm not entirely sure I know precisely what your question is, but I'll take a stab at it.
If the question is "why did he pull away?" the answer is "because he didn't really want to be in a relationship with you." It might sound harsh, but there it is -- it sounds like you started dating, he pulled away, now you're friends, which is something that happens in relationships. It's possible that after you stopped being in a relationship the conversation and connection came back because now it was no pressure; he wasn't dating you so he could relax around you instead of feeling anxious because he was in a relationship in which he didn't want to be.
If the question is "are other people subject to this 'flakiness of emotions'?" I'd say that I don't think that being interested in someone, dating them, and then pulling away necessarily counts as "flakiness", nor does feeling hurt and confused after the end of a relationship. I think a fair number of the comments from this previous question of yours could be helpful here; at that point, you say "when i become infatuated or 'in love' I can't think straight and I lose my sense of self". If that's true, knowing it about yourself is pretty important and you should really keep it in mind. Maybe that's why he pulled away, he felt that when you were dating you weren't "you", maybe he was worried that you were moving too fast emotionally -- all of us out here on the internet don't know and we never will. There are lots of reasons relationships don't work out. Some of them might relate to "emotional flakiness" but what it really ends up boiling down to is that, for at least one person, the relationship didn't work or wasn't what he or she needed at that time.
It sounds like you are really hurt and confused right now, which makes perfect sense because you've just gone through a breakup, which is always painful, and it's easy to feel upset and betrayed. I would stay away from him for a while, even as friends; that doesn't really sound like a comfortable situation for you at this point. Find something else to do, get out of the house, go for a long walk, read a book -- this sounds like a good time for you to be with you so that you can get over your infatuation and make sure you end up at a comfortable and happy place. Unhelpful as this may sound now, it WILL get better with time. Good luck!
posted by Mrs. Pterodactyl at 6:22 AM on September 9, 2009
If the question is "why did he pull away?" the answer is "because he didn't really want to be in a relationship with you." It might sound harsh, but there it is -- it sounds like you started dating, he pulled away, now you're friends, which is something that happens in relationships. It's possible that after you stopped being in a relationship the conversation and connection came back because now it was no pressure; he wasn't dating you so he could relax around you instead of feeling anxious because he was in a relationship in which he didn't want to be.
If the question is "are other people subject to this 'flakiness of emotions'?" I'd say that I don't think that being interested in someone, dating them, and then pulling away necessarily counts as "flakiness", nor does feeling hurt and confused after the end of a relationship. I think a fair number of the comments from this previous question of yours could be helpful here; at that point, you say "when i become infatuated or 'in love' I can't think straight and I lose my sense of self". If that's true, knowing it about yourself is pretty important and you should really keep it in mind. Maybe that's why he pulled away, he felt that when you were dating you weren't "you", maybe he was worried that you were moving too fast emotionally -- all of us out here on the internet don't know and we never will. There are lots of reasons relationships don't work out. Some of them might relate to "emotional flakiness" but what it really ends up boiling down to is that, for at least one person, the relationship didn't work or wasn't what he or she needed at that time.
It sounds like you are really hurt and confused right now, which makes perfect sense because you've just gone through a breakup, which is always painful, and it's easy to feel upset and betrayed. I would stay away from him for a while, even as friends; that doesn't really sound like a comfortable situation for you at this point. Find something else to do, get out of the house, go for a long walk, read a book -- this sounds like a good time for you to be with you so that you can get over your infatuation and make sure you end up at a comfortable and happy place. Unhelpful as this may sound now, it WILL get better with time. Good luck!
posted by Mrs. Pterodactyl at 6:22 AM on September 9, 2009
Reading through your past questions, I might suggest that you get heavily emotionally involved pretty early in a relationship, and spend a lot of time thinking about it. Some people (mens especially, in my opinion) are susceptible to getting caught up in a wave of infatuation coming from the other partner, but then breaking on a beach of reality when they get nervous about how fast things are going, and fleeing. Whether this is an immature fear of commitment or a mature realization of the lack of real connection that they had been avoiding while infatuated, I couldn't tell you. I can advise that you might want to make yourself take things slower in the first 4-5 months of dating someone new from now on, no matter how right it feels to jump into commitment and love with that person.
Surely this isn't fair, you should just be able to be yourself! But well, shit ain't fair in this here world. Think of it as shaving your emotional legs--maybe it isn't natural, but it's an artifice that will probably make you feel better and more confident as it gets you want you seem to want: a stable, equivalent long-term relationship.
IANAT obviously.
posted by Potomac Avenue at 7:02 AM on September 9, 2009 [1 favorite]
Surely this isn't fair, you should just be able to be yourself! But well, shit ain't fair in this here world. Think of it as shaving your emotional legs--maybe it isn't natural, but it's an artifice that will probably make you feel better and more confident as it gets you want you seem to want: a stable, equivalent long-term relationship.
IANAT obviously.
posted by Potomac Avenue at 7:02 AM on September 9, 2009 [1 favorite]
Aside from the loss of communication thing, this was my last relationship. It lasted 1.5 years. Here's why I pulled away and eventually left:
We never got the chance to build a strong foundation as friends, it went right to heavy dating
And because of that, I got to know his annoying (or worse) "quirks" after we'd moved in together, which in turn caused serious issues early on, which in turn led to me eventually leaving. I'd have left earlier except I felt I owed it to the relationship to try - because of the lease we signed and the bank account we shared. Getting wrapped up too quickly in a relationship can be seriously detrimental to the future.
My brother gave me some great advice: "You wouldn't have this problem if you didn't move in with every guy you meet" and he's absolutely right.
Whether 'move in' is literal or just emotional in your case, I suggest you follow his (and Potomac Avenue's) advice and take things slower next time.
posted by caveat at 7:13 AM on September 9, 2009
We never got the chance to build a strong foundation as friends, it went right to heavy dating
And because of that, I got to know his annoying (or worse) "quirks" after we'd moved in together, which in turn caused serious issues early on, which in turn led to me eventually leaving. I'd have left earlier except I felt I owed it to the relationship to try - because of the lease we signed and the bank account we shared. Getting wrapped up too quickly in a relationship can be seriously detrimental to the future.
My brother gave me some great advice: "You wouldn't have this problem if you didn't move in with every guy you meet" and he's absolutely right.
Whether 'move in' is literal or just emotional in your case, I suggest you follow his (and Potomac Avenue's) advice and take things slower next time.
posted by caveat at 7:13 AM on September 9, 2009
I so totally feel for you. Some people just live in their la-la-land and never learn/understand where the infatuation ends, and the real relationship begins, or how their outward behavior goes truly against their internal sureness that things are nothing more than casual (that's why: he takes you to his parents - even if he invites you to his only brother's wedding on another continent - means nothing nowadays; his mom is not calling you right this moment to express her pain over the fact that he lost you, right? Because when it is serious, you get his family's support, they take your side in moments of hardships). Think of it: he has got a seriously messed up personality. Until he wants to do it, it's impossible to fix those flaws. Think of another thing: while you were into getting to know him and building that fragile foundation alone, these things were so far away for him that had you asked him in time, you would have received a surprised face expression and "I never thought of it this way". You know this man now. And there are so many of them it's scary. Learn to simply recognize the faster, before you do future one-sided investments. This one guy, this breakup: it is not your fault. You could not make it work. Not with him. Some extra: he could not be your best friend when the position was open, why would you keep him as a friend now?
posted by Jurate at 7:14 AM on September 9, 2009
posted by Jurate at 7:14 AM on September 9, 2009
I have a friend who seems to "shift gears" without realising it when she starts a relationship. With friends she is calm, steady, sensible and thoughtful. When in a relationship she goes into PROCESSING OVERDRIVE and wants to discuss the exact meaning behind everything the guy says - both with him and everyone else. She imagines all kinds of scenarios in which he is secretly thinking something unflattering to her. Suddenly everything seems to involve high drama, at which most guys promptly back right off.
So the question is: In what ways do you behave differently between friendships and relationships? In what ways are these positive and helpful, and in what ways might they cause problems?
posted by emilyw at 7:24 AM on September 9, 2009
So the question is: In what ways do you behave differently between friendships and relationships? In what ways are these positive and helpful, and in what ways might they cause problems?
posted by emilyw at 7:24 AM on September 9, 2009
This thread is closed to new comments.
Reread the first sentence you wrote. It really doesn't matter what you believe if the other person in the relationship doesn't believe that same thing.
It's been said on Metafilter before and it bares repeating: Believe what people tell you about the relationship. If he wants to break up, then break up, don't try to convince yourself or him to change his mind. Cut off all contact, pull out the soppy music and DVDs, mourn the loss, pick up the pieces and move on.
You're trying to turn this into some grand, meaningful mystery. It's not. He dumped you, that's it. Quit trying to figure it out and move on to someone who wants to be with you. The heart may want what the heart wants, but the heart has no damn brains. Move on.
posted by Brandon Blatcher at 6:12 AM on September 9, 2009 [2 favorites]