Help me stop holding back.

September 6, 2009 10:32 AM

How can I be more affectionate? I always worry that any of my attempts at affection come across as clingy, and this probably makes me seem distant. Also: how to let go of my inhibitions, and love hard? I keep worrying about getting hurt, and tell myself that if I don't fall completely in love, then I won't get hurt badly.

So I've met this guy, and he's wonderful. Problem is, I don't think I'm reciprocating enough. No, he hasn't ever said or implied anything to say so. I'm pretty sure I'm a bit distant. I don't want to be distant. And I do try! But it's difficult.

I know that it's silly to have the mindset of don't fall in love = you won't get hurt. I keep telling myself that it's better to love fully, rather than some halfassed attempt. But it's still not working, at least not entirely. I find myself shrinking back sometimes, and not being sure if it's okay for me to lean my head onto a shoulder, if I should hug or kiss at this moment, etc.

On affection: other people seem to be able to hug and kiss spontaneously, and send cute text messages. I can't. I do try, but it's difficult. I only seem to be able to follow the lead - wait for him to make the first move, then I'll copy. I find myself too embarrassed to put myself out there, to make the first move. I don't dare make the phone call just to say hi - it seems weird. What if we don't have anything to talk about?

I don't know. I guess I'm not quite sure what I'm asking, or what plate of beans I'm overthinking. I guess - what kind of mindset should I be having? What can I keep telling myself, to stop myself from holding back?

posted by Xere to human relations (10 comments total)

If you try too hard it's not going to work. If he can't love you for you, then why try to fake it?

Some of us just aren't that affectionate.

(Although, I also subscribe to "fake it till you make it" - sometimes a positive attempt to change yourself "on purpose" can and will make a difference).

My case - it's taken 15 years of marriage for me to be more affectionate - and I am still at the "low-end-of-the-scale". That sounds bad initially, but the benefit is that rather than growing distant in our marriage we are growing closer and closer.
posted by jkaczor at 10:38 AM on September 6

I don't dare make the phone call just to say hi - it seems weird.

You don't need to be more affectionate than you feel comfortable being, but this sounds a little extreme and your guy might get the wrong idea if you never initiate contact of any kind. You don't need to be spontaneously kissing him all the time, or sending lots of cute text messages, but do try to get comfortable sharing the work of getting to know each other.

How about this: next time you're by yourself and think of him, call and say "Hi Steve, I was just thinking of you and figured I'd give a call to see what you were up to. How's your day been?" That way, you're not really going out on a limb (you're not saying "I just called to say I love you"), it's just friendly communication--doing your share of the work of staying in touch.
posted by Meg_Murry at 11:07 AM on September 6

I think it's normal to hold back affection in the beginning of the relationship. You're still scared of getting hurt, you're not sure if you're going to come off as ClingMaster BabyMaker Creepthousand, and you just don't trust them yet.

You've got to learn to trust the person you're with better. Which is not easy as it sounds; some people shouldn't be trusted, and if you've been burned badly before, it can be tricky to ever trust someone again.

One of the ways I learned to trust my boyfriend is that we promised each other that if it isn't working out, we'll just break up. Sounds like of an unromantic vow, but we swore there'd be no cheating, no faking affection, no secret silent loathing, no dully saying "I love you" when we don't mean it, etc. We promised not to completely fuck each other over; we'll split, and it'll suck, and we'll both spend three months eating ice cream in our separate empty apartments and crying, and then it'll be done. For me, this is a good thing, because it helps me put my suspicious nature that's constantly on guard against getting fucked over in new, creatively vicious ways to rest.

That's me, obviously. Trust is built in all sorts of ways. Seeing them follow through on promises, seeing how they treat their friends, remembering this is a completely new boy who hasn't fucked up yet and deserves a clean slate and a sweet girlfriend, etc.

Ok, so here are some ways I show affection that aren't quite as emotionally terrifying as bursting into "When I'm Sixty-Four" in the middle of the street.

-I sent my boyfriend emails with a bunch of image attachments of lowbrow art and colorful illustrations and street art and such, because I know he likes those things and when he's fucking around with his iPhone on the train he's got things to look at that prove I've been thinking of him. This can be customized to your boyfriend, "dude, check out this conceptual car from Japan" or "OMG BUNNY!" or "holy shit they released screenshots of that movie you're excited about."

-Pet names; start very slow with a whispered "dear" or "hon" at end of a sentence, and gradually work your way to Sugarbunny Muffinpants.

-Keep in mind that most couples are way shmoopier in private than they are in public. This is not some weird creepy infantile thing people do; it's pretty normal and not embarrassing. George Washington goosed Martha in the halls of the White House, Stephen Hawking used to type "I love you, my little peanut butter penguin" for his ex-wife Jane, and most of your friends are absolutely disgusting when no one else is around.

-Never underestimate the tiny note left around the house, even if it's only a drawing of a snowman or "I bought milk! <3 Xere."

-Tiny presents for no reason; OBVIOUSLY these need to be adjusted according to how well-off y'all are and how close you are. I'm thinking things like bringing home baklava from the Greek restaurant, stealing their favorite color of Post-Its from the office supply closet, a little blackeyed daisy plant for their front yard, etc.

-Cooking someone a meal is a way to say I LOVE YOU without ever opening your mouth. Especially if you find out things they really really love and have good memories about and find out how to make it; this is how I can bake feather-light buttermilk biscuits and cook up a mess of greens and fried chicken despite growing up in Southern California.
posted by Juliet Banana at 11:15 AM on September 6 [11 favorites]

Intimate relationships are inherently risky. By avoiding intimacy you can avoid certain sorts of risk, and thus stay safe from certain sorts of hurt. At the same time, you're probably setting yourself up for some heavy-hitting disappointment (in yourself, in life), so the "safe" choice here isn't all you might hope it would be.

That said, being willing to take risks and establish connections does not mean imitating every pair of lovebirds you see on the street or in movies. The risks worth taking will be those that get you what you want. Look inward, figure out what sort of connection would feel good to you, and try making that sort of connection. If he's not willing to respond in kind then he might not be the guy for you. If he does respond in kind, you'll get what you wanted. Which will feel great.
posted by jon1270 at 11:36 AM on September 6 [2 favorites]

It doesn't sound like you entirely trust this person yet - and I don't mean that as a criticism. It's fine to need to develop a relationship slowly, and become comfortable with each other. When you feel safe with someone, you don't have to worry about how they'll respond to your overtures, because you know they'll appreciate your thought.
I agree with jkaczor about "fake it 'till you make it," but within reason: do go out on a limb and try to show that you care, but seriously, don't focus too much on changing yourself, because it's not honest or sustainable. I think we're all better off, and more likeable, when we're thinking about other people an other things rather than thinking about ourselves. (Which, of course, is easier said than done).
posted by Bergamot at 11:59 AM on September 6

Just start things out slow. Spend the first few weeks getting to know the other person as much as possible. Don’t expect things to work out perfectly, but on the same note, don’t expect everything to fall apart and for things never to work themselves out. For me, it usually isn’t until the first month or two into the relationship that I feel I can even come close to start trusting the other person; it just takes me awhile to “settle in”.

The lovey-dovey stuff often seen usually does not spear in a relationship until the later stages. Most people need to establish a sense of trust before they are comfortable showing affection. I find it best to think of the other person as a friend before anything: thinking of them as a boyfriend or lover just makes things too awkward, like I have to step up to some expectation I’m not yet ready for.

One of my favorite things to do with a new relationship is to play 20 questions (or however many decided on) whenever a date would turn to the more awkward side. This helps to spark conversation and helps you get away with asking things that would normally take awhile to figure out (i.e.: “what are habits in other people you absolutely can’t stand?”; “what qualities do you admire in a partner”).
posted by lovecricket at 12:31 PM on September 6 [1 favorite]

The advice from my gf who is reading this over my shoulder is to talk to this guy about how you feel. What does he think about it? Does he notice? Does he think you are affectionate? Does he notice that you only respond to affection rather than initiate it? Does he care?

Instead of creating something in your mind about how he feels and how you should be acting, find out together.
posted by i_cola at 1:57 PM on September 6

It also occurred to me that the fact that you're concerned about this is a good sign that it's not a problem. Genuine distance - as opposed to nervousness about expectations - doesn't concern itself with the needs of an other. Attention is as important as affection, and it certainly seems that you're giving lots of that.
posted by Bergamot at 2:58 PM on September 6

It sounds to me like you're "just" extremely self-conscious. Just try to stop worrying and do what comes naturally.
posted by callmejay at 6:16 PM on September 6 [1 favorite]

The most important aspect of your question, to me, is that you're not happy with your current internal situation. You want to get past this barrier that prevents you from reaching out. It's not about this guy; it's about you. He might be a great guy and you might still be together a year from now, but he also might be a memory by then. Do this for you, for your happiness.

That said, it's a learning process. You learn to trust him, learn to trust your judgement, learn how to initiate in little ways and to build your confidence and comfort level. Little ways are key here, because it keeps you out of "clingy" territory and in the realm of minor risk. If something small doesn't work out, typically the consequences are minor and you've learned something for the future. If it does work out, you gain confidence for the next time as well as information about what works for you and for him.

Everyone's different when it comes to how they experience intimacy and where their boundaries are. I dated someone who thought talking every day was too often and I dated someone who wanted to stay on the phone virtually all day when we weren't together; neither of those worked for me. Some people feel particularly cared-for when they're fed favorite foods, others when they're surprised with a gift, others when they're held. How to Be an Adult in Relationships: The Five Keys to Mindful Loving is a great book for helping you figure out your own needs and your partner's, as well as which it's appropriate to seek to fill or have fulfilled within that dynamic versus within yourself or in other dynamics (friends, family).

Try reaching out in little ways and see what he responds to and what makes you feel good. You can follow his lead as you've been doing, but space it out so it's not a direct response to him. Does he sometimes send you cute text messages? Send him one saying, "Thinking of you :)" or "Just heard ___ on the radio and it made me think of you" or "Last night was great" or something that fits the two of you. Is he physically affectionate? Try putting your hands on his shoulders (or other accessible part) when you walk past him, squeezing his hand before you walk away from him, making contact in little ways that don't hold high rejection risk. Does he keep an agenda or lists or calendar on paper? Put a little sticky note or add an item to his to-do list that says something simple or sweet like "Hiya hot stuff" or "Can't wait 'til I see you!" What are his interests? Small gifts that tie in to things that he enjoys can make him feel like you pay attention to him and make him think of you when he sees or uses them.

What it comes down to is learning to pay close attention to the signals you get from him and from yourself whether something feels good and fits your dynamic and getting comfortable with your skills at reading and communicating those signals. If you don't try anything, you don't get enough feedback on what works to know.
posted by notashroom at 10:35 AM on September 7