We started with sex. Then liked each other a lot. Now how do we slow down?
April 30, 2011 3:16 AM   Subscribe

I met a girl from a club and we had sex. She had a boyfriend then (she cheated on him with me). She is now single & we have been incredibly close. I think I'm being clingy and I need help BIGTIME because I really like her.

History:
I got out of a 1.5 year full on love relationship. Been single since then and finally found chemistry with this girl. When I first talked to her, despite having met and talked to lots of women.. a week after talking to her at the club and not taking her number, I decided to ask our mutual friends for her number so I could ask her out to a movie. That's when I found out she had a bf, so I walked away. A few hours later that day she adds me on Facebook. We sent each other messages and within hours were on the phone which somehow led to phonesex.

We meet next day and sex happens. So, you'd think this is more of a hookup. I did too. Then, I had to go on a week long vacay with the boys and during that time her boyfriend returned from an out of country trip. During this week long vacay, we were texting each other and had hints of "missing each other". Her boyfriend saw our messages on phone and fights ensued and we decided to stay off each others ways and let her continue with her relationship.

Yet, she texted me a week later saying she misses me.. and I said "ME TOO, just didn't wanna text and cause more havoc". After that, we resumed texting and she revealed that she's cheated on her bf before and that's because they have issues and suggested that she end her relationship. As a mere spectator and third party, I agreed that she needs to do it.

Anyway, long story short, one day after breaking up with him, she came over.. and spent three days with me (easter long wknd). During this time, I _think_ i fell for her real bad. Now, we text a lot and talk a lot.. but she has said it and I've also felt it that she's trying to take it slow. She's not as affectionate as I am, doesn't cuddle too much, doesn't initiate a kiss on the lips as much as I do and definitely doesn't have a sweet tone in her text messages. [I'm a very romantic, affectionate, extremely loving kinda guy - Taurus]. She said given the situation she's in, she needs to be 'single' for a bit before we get into anything - which is something I wholeheartedly agree with.

She likes me a lot, and I know it. But her actions don't show it because she's controlling herself. The dumbass me who knows what's going on is craving it like crazy. I'm currently on an employment level where I don't need to work a lot and a few emails and calls a day gets the job done. I have shit tons of friends - but to see them, I have to have night outs. During the day, there's not much I do. So as you can see, I have lotsa free time and I'm going crazy thinking about this.

Basically, this whole thing is to see how I can get some help in slowing. the. fuck. down in terms of expectations and reciprocation.

Also, does this mean since we're not being official, I can talk to other women? And admit it to her?

[PS: Please don't tell me things about her being prone to cheating on me. I am very well aware - but remember, I'm a hopeless romantic and I'm a dumbass.]
posted by Vandal to Human Relations (22 answers total) 2 users marked this as a favorite

 
She likes me a lot, and I know it. But her actions don't show it because she's controlling herself.
How do you know it, if her actions don't show it? You are a textbook example of a rebound.

As a mere spectator and third party, I agreed that she needs to do it.
You have only her perspective on this, of course she doesn't tell you about the good things in her previous relationship.

I'm currently on an employment level where I don't need to work a lot and a few emails and calls a day gets the job done.
Get a hobby, read books, work out, etc.
posted by Triton at 3:34 AM on April 30, 2011 [2 favorites]


Vandal, I'm sorry, but the outlook is not good. You must know that. You are Rebound Dude, and even worse, Breakup Excuse Dude.

LISTEN to her. She says she needs to be single. She's right.

You seem to realize that you are obsessing about her, and that this is partly/mostly due to your having waaay too much free time on your hands. Sounds simplistic, but the best idea for you right now is to start filling your time with other people and activities.

(And yes, if they'll do it with you, they'll do it to you.)
posted by likeso at 3:36 AM on April 30, 2011 [10 favorites]


This is casual sex, with someone that can't maintain a relationship without cheating.. I'm not sure how you want us to assure you that everything will be just fine. It won't be,
posted by tomswift at 3:45 AM on April 30, 2011 [2 favorites]


Ouch. As others have commented, I'm afraid she's using you and stringing you along. Sorry, it sucks.

Since you're very romantic and affectionate and loving, according to your self-description, I'm sure you could afford to upgrade to a better class of woman, couldn't you?

Or is it that you're bored during the day and this kind of convoluted vixen type is giving you a mental challenge with which to entertain yourself?

Maybe you could spend your free time on dating sites looking for the kind of relationship that would really satisfy you. Sorry, I know that's a bit of a boring answer. But I bet if you tried that, that would work.
posted by tel3path at 4:01 AM on April 30, 2011 [1 favorite]


She had a boyfriend then (she cheated on him with me).

Think about this. Think about it long and hard. She cheated on someone else with you. Do you really want to be in a relationship with someone who you know without a shadow of a doubt has cheated? From her account, multiple times, even! If you get involved with this girl and she then cheats on you, you can hardly be surprised.

Casual sex is fine, but this is not the start of a fulfilling relationship.
posted by sonika at 4:01 AM on April 30, 2011 [5 favorites]


It sounds like you're infatuated, and she's manipulating and using you. (but I may be just a bit jaded)
posted by Diag at 5:04 AM on April 30, 2011 [2 favorites]


...but remember, I'm a hopeless romantic and I'm a dumbass.

Hey, dumbass! YOU'RE GETTING PLAYED. Whether it's intentional or not is up for debate, but you need to understand that she isn't on the same wavelength as you ("She's not as affectionate as I am, doesn't cuddle too much, doesn't initiate a kiss on the lips as much as I do and definitely doesn't have a sweet tone in her text messages. [I'm a very romantic, affectionate, extremely loving kinda guy - Taurus].")

You're not treating yourself right by continuing to mess around with her. You're going to wind up getting hurt. She cheated on her boyfriend not only with you, but with someone else. She was texting "I miss you" even as she was supposedly working things out with her boyfriend.

Your best bet for slowing things down is to hit the eject button and get the fuck away from her right now, before she distracts you and sends your plane crashing the side of mountain, with you in it.

Get some hobbies going through the day, pottery, archery, painting, sports, volunteering, WHATEVER, just find something to occupy your mind.
posted by Brandon Blatcher at 5:11 AM on April 30, 2011 [11 favorites]


I'm a very romantic, affectionate, extremely loving kinda guy - Taurus

What does driving a Taurus have to do with being romantic? I keed

Seriously, you know the answer here -- you need to separate how you feel and how you act. It's ok to be all knotted up inside and feel like sparks are shooting out of your head and want to jump around the bathroom acting like you've just won the lottery. That's just how you feel when you meet someone neat and start humping them, and it's a fucking awesome way to feel.

But just like how you can go into the bank and see piles of cash and not grab them and run out, or you can sit through a job interview without telling the interviewer that they are ugly and their mama dresses them funny, you need to find ways to restrain your behavior with her. Be all tingly inside, but don't send the mushy text, don't call her every 15 minutes, and make sure you are making lots and lots of other plans to do things that don't necessarily involve her. You can do little tricks like have a rubber band and snap it on your wrist when you want to send the text, or you can just restrain yourself, or (much easier, really) you can temporarily become a lot busier -- take on a new work project, start a new sport or hobby, whatever floats your boat.

Maybe she'll cheat on you, maybe she won't. I've seen that one go both ways. Probably if you are dating and she wants to break up, she'll use this method -- start banging some other guy and then let you know -- but until then you are probably ok.

Also, does this mean since we're not being official, I can talk to other women? And admit it to her?

It means you need to talk with her. You know, with words? Out loud? You need to ask "hey, I'm cool with taking it slow, but I really need to understand what's going on here. Are you going to be dating anyone else? Are you cool with me seeing anyone? Shall we tell each other about it, or just keep it quiet?" Questions like that. And for extra fun (not!), it's a conversation you'll have to keep having until either the relationship settles into a steady pattern, or you break up, or you guys decide to make it exclusive.
posted by Forktine at 5:23 AM on April 30, 2011 [4 favorites]


"Get some hobbies going through the day, pottery, archery, painting, sports, volunteering, WHATEVER, just find something to occupy your mind."

Yes indeed, I didn't mean to suggest that finding a woman should be your main hobby! Only that you're more susceptible to being played if you make this woman your main interest in life.
posted by tel3path at 5:28 AM on April 30, 2011


One thing to consider is that, as a romantic emerging from a "1.5 year full-on love relationship" followed by singleton life, you associate sex with love, even though intellectually you accepted your first encounter as a hookup. Perhaps for you, as for many people, having sex sets off feelings of love--they go together-- whereas for her it may be more recreational. If you were in the habit of casual sex you might not be experiencing this flush of love... or it might develop slower.
posted by carmicha at 6:45 AM on April 30, 2011 [1 favorite]


Since you are not official, yes, you can talk to other women. And if you are talking to other women, you should be upfront and let the girl you like know. You don't have to give her the gory details, but it's polite and ethical to be straightforward with people you're dating.

If you want to put the brakes on your feelings for someone, having other people you're interested in is one effective way to do it. Other ways have been suggested: hobbies, working out, friends, etc.

Your goal is not to let this girl consume too much of your time and energy, regardless of the things you do to make sure that doesn't happen. That's good advice to live by in general, too. You don't want to end up losing yourself in someone else.
posted by xenophile at 7:04 AM on April 30, 2011


This girl sound like nothing but trouble.
So let's get this straight, she has cheated on her boyfriend with not only you but another guy as well?
She said she was going to work things out yet was texting you?
This has lack of integrity and character written all over it.
Hey, having sex is fun and if that's all your looking for keep at it. Yet keep in mind you'll more than likely end up in her current boyfriends position, trying to work things out while she's banging other dudes.
posted by handbanana at 7:17 AM on April 30, 2011 [1 favorite]


when it stops feeling romantic and starts hurting your heart and your wallet, then it's time to call it off.
posted by elle.jeezy at 7:28 AM on April 30, 2011 [4 favorites]


You sound young, so hang around for the sex. And when she does rip your heart out you can write a poem about it.
posted by the noob at 7:59 AM on April 30, 2011 [10 favorites]


[PS: Please don't tell me things about her being prone to cheating on me. I am very well aware - but remember, I'm a hopeless romantic and I'm a dumbass.]

No, you are not those things. Those are behavior patterns. I say this because thinking as if these are characteristics makes it impossible to understand that these patterns are changeable. It leaves you vulnerable to being hurt by people like this.

I'd focus much more on yourself and much less on her when looking for how to handle this issue.

As for talking to other women you can. As for telling her, I would not do that.

When I was young I chased one of these wraiths for months. I made her jealous and she jumped right in my bed, on cue. But it wasn't a smart thing to do.

The highs were so, so high. The lows, the lowest ever. I didn't understand that it was a situation all about me. Pay attention to your own feelings, first and foremost.
posted by Ironmouth at 8:19 AM on April 30, 2011 [4 favorites]


This is one of the few times i'd say this, but...

If she really has feelings for you, if you decide to dial it way back, she will respond with confusion and missing you. If she responds with anger or frustration that 'youre not there for her when she needs you'... well, you have your answer.

That said, theres nothing wrong with someone using a person they've hooked up with previously for some hot sex to distract themselves from a bad breakup. The problems start when one person thinks its something else.

Personally, when i was single, if a girl id hooked up with called me and was like 'i just broke up with my bf and im kinda heartbroken, will you come over and cheer me up with some sex', id take it for what it was and enjoy the sex. if she needs a distraction to keep herself from sliding into depressoin or whatever, and my penis can offer that distraction, then in a way I feel like I'm 'helping' her that can satisfy my 'hopeless romantic' notions as well as, you know... sexin.
posted by softlord at 8:32 AM on April 30, 2011


Unqualified, but highly experienced, psychoanalysis coming in 10...9...8

Your post rings with "I have self-esteem problems, aka desperation issues" Why are you so convinced this random serial cheater chick you met at a club is A Goddess? Because you don't think you can/deserve to do any better. Deal with that first.
posted by paultopia at 8:44 AM on April 30, 2011 [8 favorites]


She said given the situation she's in, she needs to be 'single' for a bit before we get into anything...She likes me a lot, and I know it. But her actions don't show it because she's controlling herself

Just don't blame her for "leading you on" if things don't work out. Not if you're ignoring her words to you. The thing is, you may be right, but she may nevertheless control herself into a year of being single. I'd back off, because the last thing you want to be is a guy pestering her. If she wants space, give it to her.
posted by salvia at 9:18 AM on April 30, 2011 [2 favorites]


I recommend a really good, addicting video game as being the best distraction. Depending on your tastes, there's probably already a thread listing what's new and awesome, or you could just play Worlds of Warcraft. Days will go by without you thinking about this girl.
posted by anaelith at 11:20 AM on April 30, 2011


Just as a counter-point, I was habitually unfaithful though, wait let me think about it... yup, every single one of my relationships. I met my husband on the mega rebound, he was living with someone, and it was supposed to be a casual one night thing.

I have no idea what happened - I do not believe in the concept of The One, and while we're enormously well suited this is no huge romance - but its been seven years and I am well and truly settled down. Flawlessly faithful, despite the fact that my husband actually couldn't care less if I shagged someone else.

So all I'm saying is that if you're the type of person who values monogamy, the fact this woman had been monogamously challenged doesn't mean she's destined to be faithless forever, nor does it by definition mean you should cut and run.
posted by DarlingBri at 12:51 PM on April 30, 2011 [4 favorites]


Second try... I left a sarcastic post earlier and it is mysteriously gone. Too much sarcasm even for me, in retrospect!

My point, phrased more directly, was 'Do you really think that this behavior on her part suggest emotional maturity, quality decision making, or ethics?" If so, answers of any sort to you are probably not worth the effort to type them. If not, why do you want a mate with these characteristics? If it's purely about the sex, I think a fleshlight is cheaper, and frankly, IMO a superior choice.

Now, moderators, chop away!

(Also, I favorited DarlingBri's comment, but I wish there was a way to just favorite DarlingBri! )
posted by FauxScot at 4:56 PM on April 30, 2011 [3 favorites]


Response by poster: Guys, thanks a lot for your comments. My apologies for taking so long to respond as well. Each one of you has given me loads of insight.

After reading this, I told her that I will not attempt to stay in touch with her anymore. Let's see how it goes. Will return here once I know how things progress. :)
posted by Vandal at 7:49 AM on May 4, 2011


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