Emotional intelligence and ability to be in a relationship

August 13, 2009 2:50 PM

My bf calls me cold. I am 29 and he is 34. The only other time this has happened to me was when I was a child. My grandmother and aunt (they raised me) used the same word to describe me. I generally consider myself an emotional person. Not touchy feely or especially warm. But, at any given moment I can laugh about anything or cry about something. I can intuit other peoples moods easily. I am definitely an introvert and would hardly ever choose to spend time with other people if I can be alone. I love to be alone. These days my relationship with my family is pretty good. I see them every couple of weeks. I don’t have friends and I am not social but I do get along with people without any problems.

My bf and I have serious communication problems. If he says something and I take it literally, then I am wrong. If he says something and I come to a different conclusion, then I am crazy. I realize that I do have problems listening and can’t deal with sequential instructions or immediate recall of details. This makes it very difficult to argue and make points effectively. I end up crying and feeling miserable and misunderstood.

Some background: We broke up in March of 2008. We weren’t talking. When we did it just turned into fighting. He wasn’t helping out with any bills. We’d been together 9 years at this point and I was over it. I didn’t have an emotional connection with him at all and was just going through the motions, actually preferring it when he wasn’t around.

We broke up. It was ugly. Despite the major change and turmoil that was going on in my life, I felt ok. Then I felt good. And then I felt content. Even though I never wanted to hurt him and wanted to be able to make him happy, I knew that he was suffering a great deal and I was just fine. He constantly says that I don’t care about him and that I am selfish. I feel like I do care about him but cannot control his actions. I also don’t think being selfish is always bad. If I don’t look out for myself who will?

After the break-up he wanted to go to counseling and I wasn’t having it. He would never have gone if I had suggested it while we were together. Apparently he went on his own. After several months I started talking to him again, and then hanging out, and recently I let him move back in. For a while everything was great. He was kind and accepting and never lost his temper with me. He’s been kicking in his share of the bills as well. Until now. We’re fighting again and the arguments are the same. Not the content, but the style. He called me psycho because I was concerned about the cats being too warm. We just moved 2 days ago and they are still a little stressed and anxious. They were panting a bit and I wanted to cool them off. He tells me that they’re fine, leave them alone. I said no, let me take care of them for a few. He did help me out but he was obviously aggravated because he thought I was being irrational and crazy. When I couldn’t find one of the cats he flipped out and said I was overreacting over nothing. This is what we fought about for the rest of the day. I explained that I felt that he disregarded my feelings and didn’t value my point of view. He responded by saying that he did because I was wrong. This is the kind of thing that I do not believe I can let go.

It also makes me feel like I just want to be alone with my cats again. I don’t like having to justify my actions and constantly defend myself. From his point of view he says that he bends over backwards to accommodate me and is constantly kissing my ass to make me happy. And that I do not care about him at all. He tells me that I must be going through some kind of emotional/chemical imbalance and that he loves me anyway. I am now 29 and have been with him since high school. This is basically the only relationship I know. Since I am not a social person I do not know what other relationships are like. I do not know if I am being too rigid as he would claim (tunnel vision). I don’t know if he is right about my inability to interpret what he is saying. Am I supposed to take him literally or not. In my communication with other people (at work and family) I try really hard to be very direct. I don’t think I am different with him. In fact I am probably more direct because I never want to leave anything open to interpretation. After a fight I need a little time to regroup. There is no make-up sex. I can have a conversation but the tension is still there. He would just rather I get over it. This morning he told me that he loves me even though I am bad to him. This came about because I’d been trying to wake him up since 5:30 am. He said that he didn’t need to wake up yet. Two hours later his boss calls and he tells his boss he overslept. I asked him why he lied to me and he said that he was in a dead sleep and I always make everything about me. He says he is really tired everyday and that he should go to sleep at 9 but he doesn’t because of me. I told him that he could go to bed whenever he wants and that he shouldn’t blame me. Then he says I am always trying to point fingers.

I would like to understand him and make myself understood. Have I become so self involved that I can not relate to his feelings or needs? Even if I am not with him I still want to be better. I am worried about not being with this guy because of what I believe are his issues and then having the same issues with someone else. My thoughts are so muddled and I am unable to effectively communicate.

posted by anonymous to human relations (50 comments total)

Hello I will be your scody for the day and insist you both read How to Be an Adult in Relationships and ask your question again when you have both done so.
posted by Optimus Chyme at 3:01 PM on August 13 [10 favorites]

could you post a throw away account so i can respond to you directly?
posted by elle.jeezy at 3:04 PM on August 13

I'll try to be helpful here. You are anon, so you can't answer this, but are there any good points in your relationship? Good times, close moments? If not, y'all should end it.
However, I've been in hard periods of miscommunication before. The way my boyfriend and I worked through it was to
1) agree not to assume that the other said something with a negative intent and get offended (which was a major way our arguments would get started). This involved waiting a second before jumping on the other person to really think about what they said, and, if necessary, asking what they meant before disagreeing or feeling offended.
2) Be more direct, earnest, and candid not sarcastic/passive-aggressive/whatever.
3) Don't treat arguments like contests to be won or lost. Approach things trying to resolve the conflict so everyone is happy, not so you can get the other person to say you were right and they were wrong. BUT, admit you were wrong if you feel that you were and that it will help.

Basically, these steps involved growing the hell up and being more mature when there is discord. We started dating really young, too, so it's hard to grow up together, essentially.

This had to come from both sides, so if he is not willing or you are not willing to do this, then it's essentially over for your happiness as a couple. You should have gone to counseling when he asked. It's not a contest of who wouldn't do it before, so you won't do it now to prove a point, even though it would be helpful.
posted by ishotjr at 3:04 PM on August 13 [1 favorite]

I'm going to anticipate the sentiment that you should leave your boyfriend, because you don't seem to be getting along with him; that you should be treated for depression; that you should seek therapy; that you should seek therapy with your boyfrien; that, just maybe, your kind of a bitch.

But you said you love to be alone: Is there anything much truer than that?

You want to spend the rest of your life with someone else, or you don't. You find it valuable to ingratiate yourself with others, or you don't. You ponder and look for meaning in whole other person, or that and the attendant ceremonies—the ring, the engagement, the wedding, Hawai'i—strike you are melodramatic and more than just a little bit fake.

That love is, ultimately, a need. Maybe it is! Don't hold yourself to a standard that's making you unhappy, and perhaps you will find one that will.
posted by trotter at 3:05 PM on August 13 [2 favorites]

I apologize not in advance for how rambly my answer is. Perhaps the book Optimus Chyme suggested is much better written. :-)
posted by ishotjr at 3:06 PM on August 13

If you were happy without him, why not try that again?

You might want to speak to someone about your trouble with recalling instructions and details and the feeling of being "muddled" in your head. You might have a fixable problem (I do)!

I am worried about not being with this guy because of what I believe are his issues and then having the same issues with someone else.

If you have the same issues with someone else, you can deal with it then. That doesn't mean you have to be with this guy.
posted by kathrineg at 3:07 PM on August 13 [4 favorites]

You know what guys, the OP said that she has trouble with instructions and details and that she feels muddled. I really don't think you need to criticize her for that; it's not helpful. If you can't read or understand the post, feel free to move on.
posted by kathrineg at 3:09 PM on August 13 [3 favorites]

If you were happier without your boyfriend, then you should return to that state.
posted by Nattie at 3:11 PM on August 13 [4 favorites]

Break the motherfuck up. You do not make each other happier. You were in fact happier being alone. You seem to have taken him back because you felt bad that he was hurt. Do you plan to marry him out of pity and self doubt also? Because if not, then "now" is a very good time to start moving on. I have put this harshy, but you seem to be in such a fog you need a shock to break out of it. So again: Dump The Motherfucker Already.
posted by Diablevert at 3:13 PM on August 13 [11 favorites]

OP, sorry for assuming that you are female.
posted by kathrineg at 3:16 PM on August 13

I explained that I felt that he disregarded my feelings and didn’t value my point of view. He responded by saying that he did because I was wrong.
This comment struck me. As Metafilter has frequently shown us, you can be correct and still be a dick about it. He sounds like he's focusing on the 'who's right' when he should be focusing on the 'how does this make the other person feel' - the ends (correctness) don't justify the means (name-calling). It's not (never) justified to call your partner a psycho. That's not a loving relationship.
posted by Paragon at 3:24 PM on August 13 [6 favorites]

After the break-up he wanted to go to counseling and I wasn’t having it. He would never have gone if I had suggested it while we were together.

This is not mature behavior. If you didn't want to get back together, fine, but not going to something that could have benefited you both because he wouldn't do it earlier is just spiteful. There is no score-keeping in a mature relationship.

He called me psycho because I was concerned about the cats being too warm..

It also makes me feel like I just want to be alone with my cats again.

This may be where his accusations of your being "cold" are coming from--seems like maybe he is jealous of the attention you give the cats.

You are obviously not happy. Please re-consider therapy with your boyfriend. Even if you break up with him, I really feel it would be beneficial for *you*. You can put some of your insecurity and doubts to rest and also learn some coping skills for moving forward.
posted by misha at 3:25 PM on August 13

[few comments removed - feel free to try to answer or feel free not to answer.]
posted by jessamyn at 3:29 PM on August 13

I would like to understand him and make myself understood. Have I become so self involved that I can not relate to his feelings or needs?

It's hard to tell by your question, but it sounds like you've got a lot running through your head. Whether that means you're self-involved or just unable to focus is another matter, but you're definitely keeping yourself from being understood. That much is certain.

It also sounds like your boyfriend is doing his share of not-listening. Really, you two just don't seem to work well with each other at all. If he makes you want to be alone with your cats, then that's a good sign it's time to break up (again). Then you need time alone to clear those muddled thoughts of yours. I don't think he's solely at fault here, but he's not helping. If he's asking his friends for advice, they're probably saying the same thing about you.

Just end it. Give yourself space. Calm down. Try again with someone who will listen - someone you're willing to listen to.
posted by katillathehun at 3:31 PM on August 13 [1 favorite]

When I couldn’t find one of the cats he flipped out and said I was overreacting over nothing. This is what we fought about for the rest of the day. I explained that I felt that he disregarded my feelings and didn’t value my point of view. He responded by saying that he did because I was wrong. This is the kind of thing that I do not believe I can let go.

I love to be alone. If I don’t look out for myself who will?

I like how you treat your cats, your boyfriend should go find someone who is good for him and doesn't have any cats. You should try being by yourself and exploring other relationships.

I am worried about not being with this guy because of what I believe are his issues and then having the same issues with someone else.

You will still have the same issues, but unless you pick a very similiar person for you next relationship, you will have completely different issues there. At the very least, you should stop co-habitating.
posted by psycho-alchemy at 3:33 PM on August 13

You sound normal.

He sounds like a manipulative jerk.

I doubt you will be seeing major problems in your cognition or personality after he is gone for a while.
posted by shownomercy at 3:36 PM on August 13 [10 favorites]

There are questions here, even if there were only two question marks in the wall of text (If I don’t look out for myself who will? and Have I become so self involved that I can not relate to his feelings or needs?).

The questions I get from this:
1- Am I a cold person? My BF, grandmother and aunt said so, but I get along with people, though I don't have friends and I'm not social.

2- Is this a normal or healthy relationship? I am now 29 and have been with him since high school. This is basically the only relationship I know. Since I am not a social person I do not know what other relationships are like. I do not know if I am being too rigid as he would claim (tunnel vision).

3- How can I better communicate myself to my BF? I would like to understand him and make myself understood. Have I become so self involved that I can not relate to his feelings or needs? Even if I am not with him I still want to be better. I am worried about not being with this guy because of what I believe are his issues and then having the same issues with someone else.

My suggestions:
1- You sound like you don't want or feel like you need much social interaction. You also said you are very direct in conversation. Part of being social is making small-talk. I feel awkward in such situations, so I understand where you could be coming from with that. You may want to push yourself to chat with people, even if it feels forced. Eventually it won't feel so fake, or at least you can play the role more easily. With co-workers, remember details about their lives (trips planned, weekend events, family stuff) and you can casually bring that up, instead of feeling like you're stuck commenting on the weather.

2- It doesn't sound like a well-balanced relationship. It sounds like you two are a poor match: he being more emotional, you being very direct. Some people might feel like you should be able to read their mind after knowing them for a certain amount of time, but it doesn't always work like that. Also, you've been together for a long time, through a period when people can change a lot (and not always change in the same path, if they're a couple). But because it sounds like you're not socially out-going, and you know him, you know what you're dealing with. I'm sure you can find something you enjoy, and that others might also enjoy. Look for friends, and you might find more.

3- Maybe therapy might help. Perhaps books will be good. Or maybe you can sit him down and tell him you really don't understand the subtleties of conversations with him at times. Tell him you are not being sarcastic, snarky, or trying to mock him. Tell him how you feel, and what you want for the two of you. He might not believe you after all this time, maybe he will. Either way, good luck.
posted by filthy light thief at 3:37 PM on August 13 [3 favorites]

Your boyfriend is not paying his 1/2 of the bills and is aggravated because you are showing attention and care to your cats. To use a much overworked statement---he is just not that into you. Sure, he doesn't have to like your cats as much as you do----but he seems to resent the attention you give to them. Bad sign!

Honestly, from what I have read, if I were in your shoes I would want him out and to have my home "restored" too! When it was just you and your cats you weren't being called "irrational and crazy"! He sounds like a real jerk, to be quite frank, you have every right to be concerned if your cat pants. Cats don't pant unless they are stressed. So what..... now because he's in the picture you are supposed to allow your pets to collapse in front of you? They are your cats and you are the one who cares and looks out for them. You'd likely have the same poor communication with your bf if you had children...(thank goodness you don't) if this cat scenario is any indication.

I agree with several of the other posters, dump this guy and sit down and talk with someone about your penchant for aloneness. It is up to you and that trained person to sort out whether or not your preference to be alone is a bad thing. It is not necessarily bad. It is definitely better than being a clingy type who has to have a partner at all times. Someday maybe you'll be open to a new relationship. There are something like 8 billion people on the planet. Certainly one of them could be your NEXT boyfriend. Look for one who likes cats!
posted by naplesyellow at 3:56 PM on August 13 [6 favorites]

He's the problem. You're not. You should get rid of him and be happy, because it seems like you naturally are a quiet and happy person, and you're lucky to be that way. Don't saddle yourself with someone who isn't happy and will only make you upset.
posted by stewiethegreat at 4:04 PM on August 13 [1 favorite]

He constantly says that I don’t care about him and that I am selfish.

From his point of view he says that he bends over backwards to accommodate me and is constantly kissing my ass to make me happy. And that I do not care about him at all. He tells me that I must be going through some kind of emotional/chemical imbalance and that he loves me anyway.

I do not know if I am being too rigid as he would claim

This morning he told me that he loves me even though I am bad to him.

Then he says I am always trying to point fingers.


This is classic abusive manipulative bullshit. DTMFA and find a guy who respects you, because this one clearly doesn't.
posted by qxntpqbbbqxl at 4:07 PM on August 13 [24 favorites]

Please kick this guy to the curb. Whether he's a jackass or not (he is), or if you're the jackass (you aren't) is irrelevant. It's either getting better or it's getting worse, and from the description, it ain't getting better.

Since I am not a social person I do not know what other relationships are like.

Kick him to the curb. Take six months. Enter (judiciously, appropriately) into other relationships. Then compare/contrast. You'll probably feel better. If not, you'll know that, too.
posted by Cool Papa Bell at 4:12 PM on August 13

I don’t have friends and I am not social but I do get along with people without any problems.

Expand your social circle beyond your relatives and this guy. You need people (besides your family and SO) who care about you and who can be honest with you. Then you can ask your friends, "Am I cold? This thing happened and so-and-so said I was cold and self-involved: do you see that in me?"

Your (ex?)boyfriend doesn't get to tell you who you are or who you should be. It sounds like when you were broken up, you believed him when he said "You are cold" instead of filtering that through the break-up to mean "I am hurt and angry over our break-up, therefore I'm going to blame you and accuse you of being cold."

Honestly, this sounds like an unhappy situation. There may just be too much baggage and too many hurt feelings between the two of you. If you'd rather be with your cats, be with your cats: you don't need your ex's permission, and you don't need to persuade him you're a warm and caring person before you're allowed to break up. Frankly, even if you were cold and heartless in this relationship, you'd still have every right to break it up. It's entirely possible that in a relationship with this person you aren't a great partner or the two of you aren't a good match, but that doesn't mean you can't have a successful relationship with someone else.
posted by Meg_Murry at 4:19 PM on August 13 [3 favorites]

My bf and I have serious communication problems. If he says something and I take it literally, then I am wrong. If he says something and I come to a different conclusion, then I am crazy.... I end up crying and feeling miserable and misunderstood.

This is emotional abuse.

He constantly says that I don’t care about him and that I am selfish.

This is also emotional abuse.

He tells me that I must be going through some kind of emotional/chemical imbalance and that he loves me anyway.

Wow. This is pretty darn abusive too.

Scratch all of the questions you wrote in this post and turn it around....why are you with him? To make him happy? Does it sound like he's happy? Are you happy? Hasn't 9 years of this been enough?

D. T. M. F. A. and then, perhaps a little self-help/therapy to help you understand why you accept this abuse. (maybe mom and grandma had a hand in this?)
posted by The Light Fantastic at 4:26 PM on August 13 [10 favorites]

Yeah break up. Your next relationship could be very different indeed. If you kids have been together since high school, you probably have no idea the potential other relationship hold. You poor thing, definitely break up.
posted by smoke at 4:36 PM on August 13

Nthing kick him to the curb, with added note that I am an introvert too and think your boyfriend sounds like an irritating, immature, insecure manchild.
posted by kldickson at 4:38 PM on August 13 [1 favorite]

Since everyone seems to be going on the assumption that you're asking whether to break up with your boyfriend or not (I really wish this question had actual questions in it), I guess I'll sigh and say "Yes, you are obviously unhappy and it doesn't sound like your fault, so DTMFA etc."
posted by rokusan at 4:43 PM on August 13

Yeah, I hate the rote spewing of this advice in relationship threads, but it's never seemed more appropriate: DTMFA. He's not good for you. Let him find someone he is good for, and you see if someone who is good for you turns up. Also, if you want to write, my address is on my userpage. You sound like you could use someone to talk/vent to. Good luck.
posted by languagehat at 5:04 PM on August 13

The cat thing alone is enough to let him go. A good partner will care about the things you care about, not necessarily because he finds them intrinsically compelling, but because they are important to you. There are plenty of people like this. Wouldn't you be happier with one of them?
posted by HotToddy at 5:14 PM on August 13 [5 favorites]

Seems like two separate questions, one about who you are and another about him.

With the former, I can relate to some extent, don't need a ton of human/social interaction, wish I was a little better at it, not wholly transformed, have had people use words like "cold," and "distant," though more in social settings than 1-on-1. I've related that it's a matter of being shy/introverted in some settings, not having anything to say that says much of anything.

Not a damn thing wrong with that--or you. If you're fundamentally happy, it's good.

I realize, as someone above said, that the only way to get even a little better/less self-conscious is in taking small steps, conversations where the comfort level is relatively high because I know about the topic, have maybe relaxed with a modest--modest--amount of alcohol. It's felt more like seeking a tune-up more than having the engine rebuilt.

Haven't read Dale Carnegie, How to Win Friends..., have heard good things about it.

In knowing of my introverted tendencies, that I am not going to be the life of the party and don't want to be, also a realization that there are people, types of people with whom I and people like me are not compatible.

The second question, to the extent that it is a question: the BF sounds vile.

Nothing is ever his fault, he's never wrong and it always comes out as your shortcoming, your lack of something, you having too much of something.

I'm wary of labels, terms like "emotional abuse," though as another person here related it, it darn sure seems to fit.

It is monumentally difficult to see how your life is better because he is part of it.

Here's a hope you'll be yourself, be good to yourself (and your felines) and not continue letting this person inflict his sick fuckedupness on you.
posted by ambient2 at 5:43 PM on August 13 [1 favorite]

He's a manipulative jerk. As others have said. But as I was reading your description, that's what I thought, again and again, point after point.

"We broke up in March of 2008 ... We’d been together 9 years at this point and I was over it."

Sounds like that was your idea.

"and recently I let him move back in."

Sounds like that wasn't your idea.

Breaking up will help you and might even help him. You already know, from experience, that you will be happier without him. And eventually, he can get over his insecurities if he doesn't use you as a scapegoat. Eventually, he might take responsibility for himself and his actions. It's not going to happen as long as you're together, and you will be miserable while you are.

Your questions are asking whether there is something wrong with you. Nobody is perfect, but he has manipulated you into thinking you are the cause of all of these problems. You are not.
posted by whatnotever at 5:49 PM on August 13 [3 favorites]

You sound . . . beaten down. Your post is full of self-doubt, and having your boyfriend call you names ("psycho" "cold") and say manipulative guilt-trip stuff like "I love you even though you're bad to me," is not going to help.

As a datapoint, I am a far from perfect person. Like you, I am a massive introvert, and in close relationships, I am difficult to get along with. But as annoying and unloveable as I am, I have never, ever been in a relationship where someone said the sort of mean and dismissive things which your boyfriend apparently says to you on a regular basis. So to answer the part of your question where you wonder whether other relationships can be better than the one you have, yes. Yes, they can and should be much, much better. Your partner is supposed to be the one who makes you feel understood and completely at ease. He is supposed to be the one who backs you up when the rest of the world is mean to you. I guess that's a lot of "should"s, but know that even massive introverts can and do find relationships that fulfill those criteria. I don't want to be prescriptive, but at its core, a relationship is supposed to make your life seem richer and happier, not more stressful. Otherwise, why would anyone get into one?

I think you were right to leave your boyfriend. I also think you were right to refuse to go to couples' therapy. You were BROKEN UP. You were happy. There was no reason to chain yourself to him through therapy at that point, and honestly, it doesn't sound like there's any reason to chain yourself to him through a continued relationship a this point.
posted by TheLittlestRobot at 6:28 PM on August 13 [6 favorites]

I can't improve on what The Light Fantastic said.

Your post made me cringe because I've been told the exact same thing (and, sadly, believed it). The good news is that I came out the other side better for it, and so can... no, so WILL you. Feel free to MeMail me for a more personal response. In the meantime...

It's abuse, plain and simple. Run.
posted by _Mona_ at 6:41 PM on August 13 [1 favorite]

follow-up from the OP
Throwaway email [e-mail]
I am female.
I do apologize for the vent like post. I am not used to sharing this kind of information.

There are good times - he can make me laugh like no other.
I have been with this person so long and keep myself very isolated. I realize that I am guilty of holding grudges.

My questions aren't clear even to me. I am angry sometimes and not as mature as I thought I was. This anger feels like a dangerous path. I have tried therapy, cried a little but the psychs seemed pretty out there themselves.
posted by jessamyn at 7:01 PM on August 13

He can be a great guy and still not the guy for you, you know?
posted by kathrineg at 7:11 PM on August 13 [1 favorite]

If he truly does think you're so awful and so cold, then why is he with you? Oh wait, he doesn't think that. Those are just things he says in order to manipulate you and make you feel bad.

In a good relationship, if your boyfriend thought you were crazy, he'd try to help you. Or, if he thought you were too crazy for him to handle, he'd break up with you. He would absolutely not call you "crazy" or "psycho."

If he thought you were paying an inordinate amount of attention to your cats, he'd try to find a helpful and emotionally-respectful solution like this guy did, instead of "flipping out" at you and name-calling.

Regardless of your behavior, his behavior is unacceptable. (And personally, I had absolutely no problem understanding your "question.") This will never get better. You will never be happy with him. You've already been together for nine years. Do you want to waste another nine? Or the rest of your life? We don't know whether you are really happier alone or just happier with him, since you've never dated anyone else. You don't even have other friends. So:

1. Dump him -- this includes getting him out of your apartment.
2. Cut off all communication. This doesn't have to be permanent, but you are clearly too susceptible to his manipulative tactics. Get caller ID, and don't take his calls.
3. Find other friends. He has been your entire social life for a long time -- you have been isolated from the rest of the world. Even though he may not have done this intentionally, abusive people will isolate you so that their behavior and your relationship starts to feel normal, and you have nothing else against which to compare it. That's happened, here, hasn't it?
4. Let the rest of your life unfold. Maybe you'll decide you love being single. Maybe you'll meet some other guy some day (the best way to meet men is through friends).
posted by thebazilist at 7:30 PM on August 13 [6 favorites]

He's manipulative and abusive. You were happier without him. Please please please do that again. You deserve better.
posted by deborah at 8:22 PM on August 13 [1 favorite]

Even though he may not have done this intentionally, abusive people will isolate you so that their behavior and your relationship starts to feel normal, and you have nothing else against which to compare it.

So, so true.

Calling you crazy and psycho are "classic" abuser lines. You are so unsure of yourself right now, it comes through so clearly in your post. You won't know which way is up if you don't open your eyes, babe.

Using your pets against you is another red flag. "Flipping out" over your concern for your pets is abusive.

I would also venture that instead of feeling bad for making you feel this way, he would pull an xteraco and be a passive aggressive jerk to you, making you question yourself and any good decisions you could make.

You were happier before, when he was gone? That's it right there.

He "flips out" on you? Abusers do that. Regular people don't "flip out" because their gf is worried about her pets.

If you're worried about bringing your "issues" into your next relationship, get some therapy before you begin another relationship. That's no biggie.

It's not you, it's him.
posted by Grlnxtdr at 9:52 PM on August 13 [1 favorite]

First off, let me start by saying that being an introvert and not needing social interaction much, at least to me, doesn't equal cold. Cold is uncaring, and you can be perfectly caring of others (including cats) and still enjoy your nights in. With online dating and such, if you really would like to see someone else you don't actually have to be very outgoing to meet potential dates anymore.

As to your boyfriend, ask a simple question--what was so damn pressing while the cats were panting that he couldn't go play some playstation while you dealt with the situation? Was he bleeding? A good partner doesn't necessarily have to like your pets, but they do have to let you care about your pets and find another activity for the twenty minutes it might take to deal with them. I once had a friend in an emotionally abusive relationship who got yelled at for stopping at home to take her birth control before meeting him. A manipulator will find the ways to manipulate, no matter what the situation. There is nothing wring with living alone, especially when you consider this the alternative. Leave him, work on yourself however you feel necessary, and write a match.com profile from the privacy of your own home when you feel ready. Even if you have the same issues, as you fear, they will fit into a relationship with someone else differently, and someone not controlling will have their own faults that you can work out together without this nonsense.
posted by itsonreserve at 10:23 PM on August 13

This seems dysfunctional on so many levels on both sides. Is it correct that there never was an emotional connection, and does he know about that? He seems like a candidate for dependent personality disorder, willing to sacrifice anything to be in a relationship, out of control of how he displays that, failing miserably, and sure, growing dysfunctional (so the not paying the rent issue is a result of dysfunction). Regardless of their absolutely submissive devotion to a relationship, DPDs are quickly dumped by any sane partner.

You are in principle distrustful of benefits of therapy, able to understand emotional states of pets better than feelings of a human. Combined with other small details you mention, this reminds me of my brilliant geeky buddies whom I love but I wish they only dated their own "type" and steer away from anyone with a higher EQs and sensitivities than theirs. Sweet as they are, maybe their external aloofness and not knowing the true depths of love and intimacy is key to their sanity and survival.

So, what is the meaning of this all ordeal, then, since you yourself say you are there (trying to figure him out in order) to avoid the same issues with someone else? Learning about yourself, accepting yourself and your limitations, so that in all other relationships you do not experience same of your issues?

As for being called cold: try to deconstruct the notion. IMHO, it was a total lack of parenting knowledge that they even told you such a thing. Your grandmother and aunt could very well be somewhere on dependent personality spectrum, too (on top of the fact that there was added life stress of raising you, dependency is partially inherent to gender roles socialisation). Look into their life histories for an answer.

For the last point, I totally fail to see manipulation on any side. And while I mention there is some value in learning experience, it is a misfortune that you two met and spent this much of vitality on keeping this relationship.
posted by Jurate at 12:53 AM on August 14

So what I'm reading is that you have been called "cold" twice in your 29 years???

And you think that being called "cold" twice in 29 years makes it true?

I've been called "brutally honest" hundreds of times in my life. I've been called "racist" twice in my life.

Which of those comments do you think I deem as more valid...and WHY?

Good luck.
posted by hal_c_on at 12:56 AM on August 14

If I could mail you a copy of this book, I would. Express overnight. You would get the biggest case of deja vu you have ever had.

Not that I think you should try to keep living with him, of course. I think thebazilist nailed it.

And you don't sound cold or selfish at all! You sound concerned to the extreme with trying to please a champion manipulator. And you sound unhappy. I don't blame you. And you do not sound emotionally unintelligent to me at all. I think you could have a great relationship with someone who did not display as many signs of a personality disorder as this guy does.
posted by Ashley801 at 1:47 AM on August 14

Firstly, before you do anything else, get rid of this guy. That's job number one. The reason? You think more of your cats than he does of you. Even if you were the world's clingiest person, you'd still be better off without someone like this guy in your life. He's bad for you.

Secondly, don't ever do things just because people expect you to do them. One of the pervading themes in society is that unless you're deeply involved with a significant other, you're unhappy, lonely, depressed, weird, strange or a combination of any/all of them. If you're happy alone (which I totally understand, by the way), then you're Happy. Alone. What anybody else says on the matter is immaterial. Read The Introvert Advantage, and you'll get a much better handle on why you think the way you do.

Thirdly, you're not broken, you don't need therapy, you aren't suffering from some kind of psychological trauma. Well, you might be, but it's not automatically the case. A lot of people don't get how you can be happy alone, because they themselves see being alone as the worst thing you can possibly be. So they pathologise it, and turn it into something bad. In some cases it's caused by trauma or whatever, but not all. You could be suffering from something, but you could just like your own company.

But whatever else you do, dump this guy. He's like a really tasty chocolate cake loaded with additives and sugar and fat. It tastes really nice, but ultimately, it's really bad for you.
posted by Solomon at 2:41 AM on August 14 [1 favorite]

This recent comment by sarabeth is one of the best things I've ever seen on AskMetaFilter. My favorite part:

My general rule of thumb these days for evaluating the behavior of boyfriends is this: am I impressed? Is he impressing you right now with his behavior? Or is it giving you an icky feeling in your stomach that you should probably listen to? I'm guessing the latter. I know it's hard to move on when you love someone, but you deserve to be impressed. If he can't deliver that, then why not find someone whose ideas of boundaries and appropriate, loving, respectful Relationship Behavior are more in line with your own?

Please take that to heart.
posted by peanut_mcgillicuty at 6:12 AM on August 14

i'm nthing the breaking up idea -- but if you are confused about what to do, this exercise might help:

all you have to do is just get yourself quiet for a moment, and then imagine what your life would look like if you were truly happy.

is he in it?

if not, that's your answer.
posted by unlucky.lisp at 9:01 AM on August 14

I'm so sorry you are in this situation.

Nothing in your question makes you seem "crazy" or "irrational." I was once with someone who called me "crazy" and "irrational." I almost started to believe it. Please don't believe your boyfriend. He sounds very good at manipulating you.

It sounds like whenever you aren't behaving in the manner he believes you "should" behave, so he labels you as "crazy." I have found there is no arguing about the "crazy" statement. Getting upset with him is further proof that you are crazy. This type of person also uses the excuse that you are "irrational" as an excuse not to listen. If he doesn't like what you're saying, he gets to tell himself that you are crazy, so he doesn't have to listen.

There is nothing wrong with being introverted and loving alone time. It doesn't make you cold. I've been called "cold" too when in fact I am the opposite. Being around people can be emotionally taxing for introverts because they care too much and need time to emotionally refresh before being around people again.

At the very least, I think you are a bad match. His behavior borders on abuse. You were happy when you weren't with him. You are NOT too self involved. He is the one who seems to have the problem.

I think you can find someone who is better suited for you. Also, ask yourself why you want to be in a relationship. Not everyone wants to be in a relationship and it's fine if you want to be single.

Good luck and remember you aren't the one with the problem and you aren't crazy.
posted by parakeetdog at 9:44 AM on August 14 [1 favorite]

This is basically the only relationship I know.

Constantly being called names and having one's opinions and feelings belittled is not normal in a healthy relationship.

You don't to be perfect or faultless for him to be wrong. It's not either/or.
posted by desuetude at 12:03 PM on August 14

My partner had a girlfriend who was honestly jealous of his cat.

She is now his ex-girlfriend. Because that's CRAZY. Your boyfriend sounds like he is honestly threatened by the attention that you give your cats. They're cats.

It's possible that you're both really awesome and you just totally 100% bring out the worst in each other, but in any case, your particular quirks are not matching up well. You like alone time and caring for your pets. He wants you to spend all of your energy on him. This is not a tenable long-term plan unless one of you changes.

It doesn't sound like there's really enough good stuff in the relationship for you to put the energy into a significant change. Unless, of course, that significant change is going back to being single - which made you happier.
posted by grapefruitmoon at 3:36 PM on August 14

I am worried about not being with this guy because of what I believe are his issues and then having the same issues with someone else.

It seems those are indeed his issues.

Emotional intelligence and ability to be in a relationship

You cannot define your ability to be in relationships from this one relationship. EI in this case would probably be to realise that things in this relationship are just not right and maybe its best to let it go. Maybe the familiarity of being with the person for such a long time makes it difficult to see things clearly? (This can be corrected if you imagine a dear friend in the same situation- I assure you, you will see things differently, with much less unnecessary self-criticism.)
posted by xm at 9:44 PM on August 14

My thoughts are so muddled and I am unable to effectively communicate.

I disagree, I think you've communicated your thoughts very well. Your bf is manipulating you to a ridiculous extreme. Let's see, according to him, you're cold, always wrong, crazy, psycho, have a possible emotional or chemical imbalance, and you're "bad to him". He always has to kiss your ass, bend over backwards for you, and he's missing sleep because he stays up with you, and you're not nice to him. And yet....he loves you?? He's trying to make you believe that you're worthless, but that he loves you in anyway, in spite of all of your horrible shortcomings, because he is just that kind of guy....he's a prince.

He doesn't respect you.

He really needs to go back into therapy.
posted by iconomy at 8:48 AM on August 15 [1 favorite]

You will see what a non-abusive relationship is like (should you choose to pursue one) and you will wonder what you ever saw in this guy. Making you laugh, at the end of the day, doesn't count for much if he is trying like mad at all other times to make you hate yourself so you forgive him being an asshole to you.
posted by marble at 10:12 PM on August 15 [1 favorite]