How do those of you with a hyphenated last name feel about it?
August 7, 2009 8:03 AM Subscribe
If your parents gave you a hyphenated last name made from their different last names, how do you feel about it? Would you recommend for or against other parents doing so? My husband and I both kept our original last names and are thinking about what last name to give the child we are expecting. Each last name is two syllables; one is common, the other uncommon; and they go fairly well with each other.
My names aren't hyphenated, but I'm considering doing this with any children my husband and I have. We are a bi-cultural family, so our kids won't quite fit one last name or the other. I see it the same way as any other name. If the kid dislikes it enough by the time they get to be adults, they can always change it.
I'd say go for it.
posted by arishaun at 8:08 AM on August 7, 2009
I'd say go for it.
posted by arishaun at 8:08 AM on August 7, 2009
I went through most of my life with just my dad's last name, and recently started using my middle name (which is Mom's last) as part of my own last name (I guess in the Spanish style, though we're not hispanic). I think it sounds better.
posted by oinopaponton at 8:12 AM on August 7, 2009 [1 favorite]
posted by oinopaponton at 8:12 AM on August 7, 2009 [1 favorite]
My last name is a hyphenated combination of my parents' last names. They each kept their own. I have never had any sort of problem with it, and in fact quite enjoy the fact that my sister and I are the only ones with out last name in the whole world! There was certainly no sense of weirdness or disunity in my family - we are tight-knit and quite functional, despite having three different last names amongst the four of us. I say go for it!
posted by shaun uh at 8:12 AM on August 7, 2009 [1 favorite]
posted by shaun uh at 8:12 AM on August 7, 2009 [1 favorite]
I always thought that I would hyphenate, but then I started teaching. It is a pain for the instructor to figure out which name to use, the hyphenated named don't fit into the roster well...
It is a small thing, but a pain for those kids and their instructors.
So my baby has his Dad's last name. I have mine. It has never caused any problems at the doctor's or daycare. Every now and then he is listed as Babyfirstname Mylastname and we all laugh.
posted by k8t at 8:15 AM on August 7, 2009
It is a small thing, but a pain for those kids and their instructors.
So my baby has his Dad's last name. I have mine. It has never caused any problems at the doctor's or daycare. Every now and then he is listed as Babyfirstname Mylastname and we all laugh.
posted by k8t at 8:15 AM on August 7, 2009
I hyphenated my name for a few years in school, but had to deal with LastName-LastName coming up as LastName-LastNa a few times on certificates and records.
posted by mdonley at 8:16 AM on August 7, 2009
posted by mdonley at 8:16 AM on August 7, 2009
I know of a family who created an entirely new name for themselves and their children using syllables from mom and dad's last names. Say mom's last name was "Disney," and dad's last name was "Whipple." "Whipney"* is the new last name, legally used by mom, dad, and kids, has three syllables is creative, and adorable. No one would realize it was a "made up" name and it emphasizes the special bond of their family.
This does not answer your question directly. Yall should do whatever feels "right." I am just throwing this out there as a suggestion because it is a unique solution to a quandry that is (fortunately!) becoming more common.
* The actual last names and created name sound a lot better than the first one that came to mind.
posted by vincele at 8:23 AM on August 7, 2009 [3 favorites]
This does not answer your question directly. Yall should do whatever feels "right." I am just throwing this out there as a suggestion because it is a unique solution to a quandry that is (fortunately!) becoming more common.
* The actual last names and created name sound a lot better than the first one that came to mind.
posted by vincele at 8:23 AM on August 7, 2009 [3 favorites]
A consideration: what name will your kid's kids have? a tetra-hyphenate?
posted by bonehead at 8:25 AM on August 7, 2009
posted by bonehead at 8:25 AM on August 7, 2009
A consideration: what name will your kid's kids have? a tetra-hyphenate?
Pass on the same-gender portion for a new hyphenated last name. See here.
posted by molecicco at 8:29 AM on August 7, 2009
Pass on the same-gender portion for a new hyphenated last name. See here.
posted by molecicco at 8:29 AM on August 7, 2009
Hyphenated names are awkward in a computerized world. If you've got two surnames that go well together and it's important to you and your husband that your child should carry both your names, by all means go for it. But you could also just give your kid the more aesthetically pleasing name, or pick one of the names out of a hat, or assign the corresponding surname depending on what gender the kid happens to be.
Since you both have single last names, you likely only got the name of one of your parents. Do you really regret that?
posted by orange swan at 8:37 AM on August 7, 2009
Since you both have single last names, you likely only got the name of one of your parents. Do you really regret that?
posted by orange swan at 8:37 AM on August 7, 2009
I am a proud hyphenate of nearly 30 years standing. It is, as far as hyphenated names go, one of the best one's I've encountered, as it basically sounds like a single name. Yes it is a minor hassle to get things spelled correctly on forms but that is because people are idiots, and will misspell even the most pedestrian, non-hyphenated names anyway. The extra-challenge bonus round for me is that one of the names is excedingly common, but spelled with a anglo-variant vowel, so that's normally what gets messed up. Like on my first driver's license, for 4 years.
Growing up with a hyphenate the only thing that really bothered me was when there was another kid with a hyphenated last name was around the big lulzfest was for people (typically teachers, assholes) to figure out what we would name our kids if we got married. har de fucking har and way to freak the first grade me way out.
The best part of the hyphenate for me is that it states exactly who I am, equal parts mom and dad. And as it was definitely not the style of the time (1979) I deeply admire my mother for sticking to her guns and naming me the way she did.
As it is unique to me and my sisters too, i'm probably more cautious about what gets put on the internet with my name too. I'm a goddamn snowflake. yes I am.
posted by Cold Lurkey at 8:38 AM on August 7, 2009
Growing up with a hyphenate the only thing that really bothered me was when there was another kid with a hyphenated last name was around the big lulzfest was for people (typically teachers, assholes) to figure out what we would name our kids if we got married. har de fucking har and way to freak the first grade me way out.
The best part of the hyphenate for me is that it states exactly who I am, equal parts mom and dad. And as it was definitely not the style of the time (1979) I deeply admire my mother for sticking to her guns and naming me the way she did.
As it is unique to me and my sisters too, i'm probably more cautious about what gets put on the internet with my name too. I'm a goddamn snowflake. yes I am.
posted by Cold Lurkey at 8:38 AM on August 7, 2009
Similar to vincele, I have a friend whose family combined last names in exactly the way described by vincele, with the difference being that only the children have the new last name and the parents each kept their own.
posted by mjb at 8:40 AM on August 7, 2009
posted by mjb at 8:40 AM on August 7, 2009
Hyphenated names rule! My parents were hippie political people; my mom didn't change her name and then they all their friends hyphenated their kids names in the early 80s when they had babies. I have always like it, though, there is a lot more acceptance of it in some places. In the South, I've been getting asked if I was married since I was like 18. In the Northeast, no one bats an eye and there is sort of an appreciation for that sort of thing. Anyway, my brother though at the ripe old age of 20 actually dropped the hyphen and just took my dads name, he thought the whole hyphen thing was tacky. Family drama there. But I like it.
posted by Rocket26 at 8:42 AM on August 7, 2009
posted by Rocket26 at 8:42 AM on August 7, 2009
Hyphenated last name here. It's occasionally annoying, say when you have to read out your last name over the phone, but never seriously so.
Anecdote: the most common annoyance for me is the software used to run fencing competitions. Seriously. All that I have been to (many) use the Engarde software, which has a 13-character limit for full names. This truncates my first name entirely from the name field, so my brother and I come up the same in the software. This causes problems, since we could easily end up taking each other's places in the draw. Which, technically, would require the entire competition to be redone. Hence, all fencing competitions now require a frantic discussion with the organizers after the first round.
posted by katrielalex at 8:48 AM on August 7, 2009 [1 favorite]
Anecdote: the most common annoyance for me is the software used to run fencing competitions. Seriously. All that I have been to (many) use the Engarde software, which has a 13-character limit for full names. This truncates my first name entirely from the name field, so my brother and I come up the same in the software. This causes problems, since we could easily end up taking each other's places in the draw. Which, technically, would require the entire competition to be redone. Hence, all fencing competitions now require a frantic discussion with the organizers after the first round.
posted by katrielalex at 8:48 AM on August 7, 2009 [1 favorite]
Sounding off for the other side of the equation, my mother was the last of her line -- no sisters, brothers or cousins with her last name -- and my parents made my mother's family name my second middle name, sans hyphenation.
While it's not used in daily life, I've never thought of it as a compromise or "lesser" than my on-paper last name or whatnot -- and I plan to continue the tradition should I ever have children.
Sooooo if you don't go the hyphenation route, take it from a "middle name" person that it's never been seen as a slight or a degradation of the name; in fact, if this tradition of continuing it as a middle name takes hold, it may last longer than my current last name.
posted by Shepherd at 8:58 AM on August 7, 2009 [1 favorite]
While it's not used in daily life, I've never thought of it as a compromise or "lesser" than my on-paper last name or whatnot -- and I plan to continue the tradition should I ever have children.
Sooooo if you don't go the hyphenation route, take it from a "middle name" person that it's never been seen as a slight or a degradation of the name; in fact, if this tradition of continuing it as a middle name takes hold, it may last longer than my current last name.
posted by Shepherd at 8:58 AM on August 7, 2009 [1 favorite]
I'm hyphenated, after my Father joined his parents' names. Personally, I'm proud of my name, but it does raise some practical issues, like the technological ones already mentioned -- to many last name fields simply do not allow enough characters, or don't allow hyphens -- and dictation ("no, it's hyphenated, that's not my middle name, it's part of my surname!"). It also leads to a lot of "that's a bit posh, isn't it?" My sister, 22, is too embarrassed to use her full last name and defaults to just one of the names. I'm getting married soon, and have told the lucky lady I won't be at all offended if she wants to keep her name (which is also rather uncommon, so it could swing either way).
posted by nostrich at 9:04 AM on August 7, 2009
posted by nostrich at 9:04 AM on August 7, 2009
I have one, and I really disliked it. I just dropped off the second half of the hyphenation in high school and used my father's last name as my own, and since then it hasn't really been a problem. My hyphenated name didn't fit anywhere, it got a lot of unwanted attention in the schoolyard, and it just sounded awkward to say. Also, like Rocket26 said, there was some awkward tension/drama thing going on every time my mother saw an official document with her surname missing from my surname.
I can't think of any positives to doing it, from my experience. If it's that important to you, I would suggest using one surname as the middle name to resolve all of these problems.
posted by Zaximus at 9:04 AM on August 7, 2009
I can't think of any positives to doing it, from my experience. If it's that important to you, I would suggest using one surname as the middle name to resolve all of these problems.
posted by Zaximus at 9:04 AM on August 7, 2009
As an engineer, this drives me nuts because it doesn't scale well at all. I dated a girl with a hyphenated last name for a couple years and I frequently wondered what we would do if we had children because there was no way a triple hyphenation was coming in to play.
Personally I think making a new last name when you get married out of a combination or some sort of morphology of the two last names is a much better plan.
posted by jeffamaphone at 9:09 AM on August 7, 2009 [1 favorite]
Personally I think making a new last name when you get married out of a combination or some sort of morphology of the two last names is a much better plan.
posted by jeffamaphone at 9:09 AM on August 7, 2009 [1 favorite]
I grew up with an unusual first name that I hate to this day (as does my father, who also has this first name), and a middle name that can be spelled several different ways. I was always called by my middle name, which presented its own set of problems.
When it comes to a name, please do not do anything to complicate your child's life even a little bit.
posted by imjustsaying at 9:12 AM on August 7, 2009
When it comes to a name, please do not do anything to complicate your child's life even a little bit.
posted by imjustsaying at 9:12 AM on August 7, 2009
This is the story of my family's mailbox.
Once upon a time, my mom Nancy Smith married my dad, Larry Darling, and had me. She didn't change her name, but I did get my dad's surname.
They then divorced and some time later, my mother married my stepfather, Peter Lohan, who already had a daughter from his first marriage, Samantha Lohan. My mother and stepfather worked together, from home, and founded the Smith-Lohan Agency. They also had my youngetst sister, Suzannah, together, and gave her a hyphenated surname with my stepfather listed first.
Thus, my family's NYC apartment building mailbox read:
Lohan
Smith
Lohan-Smith
Smith-Lohan
Darling
And it was fine. We had no crisis of family identity, nor of mail delivery. It may appear to be chaotic or confusing to other people, but it has genuinely never been an issue for any of us, including my double-barrelled sister with the six-syllable name.
posted by DarlingBri at 9:13 AM on August 7, 2009 [8 favorites]
Once upon a time, my mom Nancy Smith married my dad, Larry Darling, and had me. She didn't change her name, but I did get my dad's surname.
They then divorced and some time later, my mother married my stepfather, Peter Lohan, who already had a daughter from his first marriage, Samantha Lohan. My mother and stepfather worked together, from home, and founded the Smith-Lohan Agency. They also had my youngetst sister, Suzannah, together, and gave her a hyphenated surname with my stepfather listed first.
Thus, my family's NYC apartment building mailbox read:
Lohan
Smith
Lohan-Smith
Smith-Lohan
Darling
And it was fine. We had no crisis of family identity, nor of mail delivery. It may appear to be chaotic or confusing to other people, but it has genuinely never been an issue for any of us, including my double-barrelled sister with the six-syllable name.
posted by DarlingBri at 9:13 AM on August 7, 2009 [8 favorites]
I'll just chime in as a teacher and say that hyphenated names can sometimes be mildly annoying for bureaucratic reasons. Sometimes they get entered in the system hyphenated, sometimes not. Sometimes kids will drop one of the names on their own. So my computer says Joe Smith-Jones, but the kid writes his name as Joe Jones, and I'm like, "Who hell is Joe Jones he's not in my system!"
Also, for purely aesthetic reasons, I'm personally against hyphenated names.
posted by Wayman Tisdale at 9:26 AM on August 7, 2009
Also, for purely aesthetic reasons, I'm personally against hyphenated names.
posted by Wayman Tisdale at 9:26 AM on August 7, 2009
As someone with a hyphen last name and a middle name (ala First Middle Pre-Last) it's been a pain in the ass everywhere from school classes to the DMV to postal service to online web forms. I now expect that any new thing that requires my name will take extra time and effort. And practically speaking most times the after-hyphen name becomes the default last name and the other is just dropped or initialed like a middle name.
End of the world? Not hardly. Other than some extra hassles the only side effect is me occasionally cursing the parents under my breath for the extra time spent stuck in DMV queues.
On the other hand, if you do give them the hyphen-name at least they will be thinking of you often no matter where they go.
posted by anti social order at 9:35 AM on August 7, 2009
End of the world? Not hardly. Other than some extra hassles the only side effect is me occasionally cursing the parents under my breath for the extra time spent stuck in DMV queues.
On the other hand, if you do give them the hyphen-name at least they will be thinking of you often no matter where they go.
posted by anti social order at 9:35 AM on August 7, 2009
One consequence of not doing last names traditionally may make it hard for children (and adults) to figure out what to call you. A friend of Child S-Z doesn't know whether to call her friend's mom Mrs. S or Mrs. Z.
Additionally, different last names may complicate international travel. A friend experienced difficulty taking her son with a different last name (her husband's) through customs without her husband.
posted by oceano at 9:59 AM on August 7, 2009 [1 favorite]
Additionally, different last names may complicate international travel. A friend experienced difficulty taking her son with a different last name (her husband's) through customs without her husband.
posted by oceano at 9:59 AM on August 7, 2009 [1 favorite]
I had a hyphenated name coming up. People will mercilessly tease you for your presumed aristocratic pretensions; it never fits in those little boxes where you write your last name; nobody will ever alphabetize it correctly; and you will forever be asking clerks to look under each name separately, and then both possible variations thereof, and then finally the name "smushed" together. If the name does not EXACTLY match up to the way it is printed in some database somewhere, you can spend hour after hour in bureaucratic purgatory. Essentially, I firmly believe that it is a form of mild child cruelty to give your child a double-barreled surname, especially one longer than fourteen characters including the hyphen, which is never one of the options anyways.
I dumped it around three years ago and went with the traditional option, which is just my father's last name. Things are much easier now, and because it's much further up the alphabet, I've noticed that other, non-name-related things generally work out a bit better.
I would recommend you give your child the last name of whichever parent is the head of household for simplicity's sake. If you are hippies who hate the idea of a "head of household," choose the one that comes first alphabetically. The other one can become a middle name.
posted by Electrius at 10:30 AM on August 7, 2009 [5 favorites]
I dumped it around three years ago and went with the traditional option, which is just my father's last name. Things are much easier now, and because it's much further up the alphabet, I've noticed that other, non-name-related things generally work out a bit better.
I would recommend you give your child the last name of whichever parent is the head of household for simplicity's sake. If you are hippies who hate the idea of a "head of household," choose the one that comes first alphabetically. The other one can become a middle name.
posted by Electrius at 10:30 AM on August 7, 2009 [5 favorites]
I had a hyphenated last name as a kid, and wasn't a fan - although, that had less to do with the fact that I was/am opposed to hyphenated last names than it had to do with the fact that my parents changed my last name to a hyphenated one after they got a divorce, and both of them were always pressuring me to pick just ONE last name of the two. And even given that, I still think that people make way too big a deal of the difficulties associated with having a hyphenated last name.
Lots of kids have them now. They are reflective of a person's entire heritage, rather than just one half of it. Occasionally you have to write extra small on a form, and say your name twice to substitute teachers or people registering you for stuff. If only that were the most difficult thing about growing up.
posted by ellehumour at 11:18 AM on August 7, 2009
Lots of kids have them now. They are reflective of a person's entire heritage, rather than just one half of it. Occasionally you have to write extra small on a form, and say your name twice to substitute teachers or people registering you for stuff. If only that were the most difficult thing about growing up.
posted by ellehumour at 11:18 AM on August 7, 2009
In Quebec, it's been written into law that a woman does *not* take her husband's surname upon marriage. That happened sometime during the '90, if I'm not wrong.
Thus, by now hyphenated names have become very common and will soon be the norm.
posted by gmarceau at 11:28 AM on August 7, 2009
Thus, by now hyphenated names have become very common and will soon be the norm.
posted by gmarceau at 11:28 AM on August 7, 2009
2nding Zaxmus. All things said better than I could have. For the sake of simplicity, keep it simple.
posted by indiebass at 11:33 AM on August 7, 2009
posted by indiebass at 11:33 AM on August 7, 2009
My parents kept their names, and my brother and I have hyphenated names ("Kellogg-Stedman". And now you can Google me, because there ain't more than two out there). I have always, even when little, been happy with the solution -- I think it made me feel closer to both my parents.
The idea that one parent's name should somehow take precedence always seemed really unnatural to me growing up.
Mind you, there are implications for the following generation. If your child marries someone similarly inclined, what last name do *their* kids get? My wife and I have actually had to deal with this issue, so our kids have a last name that is based ona true story our last names. This isn't an especially unique solution -- we know other folks who have done the same thing.
posted by larsks at 11:48 AM on August 7, 2009
The idea that one parent's name should somehow take precedence always seemed really unnatural to me growing up.
Mind you, there are implications for the following generation. If your child marries someone similarly inclined, what last name do *their* kids get? My wife and I have actually had to deal with this issue, so our kids have a last name that is based on
posted by larsks at 11:48 AM on August 7, 2009
Mine is hyphenated with my mom's last-dad's last. Dad wasn't involved in raising me. Kind of wish I'd only had mom's last name. That said, people can always find me on the Internet and be 100% sure it's ME they're reading about. Can be nice.
But, people have often thought I'm married (I'm a woman). And, it's a pain in the ass to spell it out for people. And, I was made fun of when young. And, the two names don't sound that great together.
All in all, I'm not in favor of giving my kids hyphenated last names. A lot of hassle for something non-aesthetically pleasing. I won't change mine unless/until I get married (and then I'll just drop the dad's last name, not take the new guy's last name, unless his last name is awesome), but I kind of wish I'd only gotten my mom's last name. Mostly because hers sounds awesome and my dad's is lame - but to a certain extent because she raised me and I'm close with her family.
posted by lorrer at 11:53 AM on August 7, 2009
But, people have often thought I'm married (I'm a woman). And, it's a pain in the ass to spell it out for people. And, I was made fun of when young. And, the two names don't sound that great together.
All in all, I'm not in favor of giving my kids hyphenated last names. A lot of hassle for something non-aesthetically pleasing. I won't change mine unless/until I get married (and then I'll just drop the dad's last name, not take the new guy's last name, unless his last name is awesome), but I kind of wish I'd only gotten my mom's last name. Mostly because hers sounds awesome and my dad's is lame - but to a certain extent because she raised me and I'm close with her family.
posted by lorrer at 11:53 AM on August 7, 2009
Lots of kids have them now. They are reflective of a person's entire heritage, rather than just one half of it.
If a kid's "entire heritage" can be summed up in one hyphenated last name, it follows that the kid's parents must have had their entire heritage summed up in just a single last name. So either the the hyphenation is unnecessary to sum up the "entire heritage", or it's insufficient because it neglects half of each of the parent's "entire heritage." (and all of this assumes that a person's "entire heritage" can be summed up in names to begin with)
Hyphenating a kid's name is just a punt. Somewhere down the road, that kid is going to have to pick one. When Joe Allen-Baldwin meets Sally Cook-Douglas, they are unlikely to name their kids Allen-Baldwin-Cook-Douglas... I have to wonder if the Allens, Baldwins, Cooks, and Douglases will all understand if/when their names don't get passed on to the grandkids.
Even if the parents figure everyone can just use the Spanish system, the parents still need to be prepared to have their son or daughter decide to choose a name (maybe of the parent the like better?) and use that one exclusively. Maybe mom won't care when Jane turns 18 and immediately takes her father's name . . . but it's certainly something that needs to be considered.
Bucking societal trends can be a giant pain in the ass.
I tend to think the better option is for one name to be given as a middle name (even a second middle name) and one designated as the last name. If the child wants to hyphenate later, it's really easy to start doing so. If they don't, they don't.
posted by toomuchpete at 12:38 PM on August 7, 2009
If a kid's "entire heritage" can be summed up in one hyphenated last name, it follows that the kid's parents must have had their entire heritage summed up in just a single last name. So either the the hyphenation is unnecessary to sum up the "entire heritage", or it's insufficient because it neglects half of each of the parent's "entire heritage." (and all of this assumes that a person's "entire heritage" can be summed up in names to begin with)
Hyphenating a kid's name is just a punt. Somewhere down the road, that kid is going to have to pick one. When Joe Allen-Baldwin meets Sally Cook-Douglas, they are unlikely to name their kids Allen-Baldwin-Cook-Douglas... I have to wonder if the Allens, Baldwins, Cooks, and Douglases will all understand if/when their names don't get passed on to the grandkids.
Even if the parents figure everyone can just use the Spanish system, the parents still need to be prepared to have their son or daughter decide to choose a name (maybe of the parent the like better?) and use that one exclusively. Maybe mom won't care when Jane turns 18 and immediately takes her father's name . . . but it's certainly something that needs to be considered.
Bucking societal trends can be a giant pain in the ass.
I tend to think the better option is for one name to be given as a middle name (even a second middle name) and one designated as the last name. If the child wants to hyphenate later, it's really easy to start doing so. If they don't, they don't.
posted by toomuchpete at 12:38 PM on August 7, 2009
My kids will have hyphenated last names, despite the fact that if my current bf is their dad, they will have a total of five syllables of last name. I don't expect them to refer to use both last names casually with people, but it will be their legal name. My boyfriend's last name is hard to spell and rarely fits in the requisite number of boxes on forms anyway, so they'll have issues there regardless of whether they have my (short, easy to spell, it's a word) last name tacked on. If I don't pass my last name on, it will end with me, and don't see why I should not be able to pass on my last name just because I happen to be female. If they want to drop my name later, that's their choice, and I won't fault them for it, but I'm at least giving them the option.
posted by ishotjr at 12:49 PM on August 7, 2009
posted by ishotjr at 12:49 PM on August 7, 2009
Ishotjr's method could work, BUT consider where the kid is a lawyer or other professional. A lot of socializing is done for work. You then get accustomed to "going by" your full last name (because doing otherwise would confuse colleagues or clients). Effectively, you can't casually go by just part of your last name.
I also agree with toomuchpete that hyphenating is a punt.
posted by lorrer at 1:01 PM on August 7, 2009
I also agree with toomuchpete that hyphenating is a punt.
posted by lorrer at 1:01 PM on August 7, 2009
Well, I can certainly sympathise. Married Dutch women (if they take their husband's name at all - most did in my parent's generation, very few do now) will have their name listed as Maiden name [hyphen] Married name on official documents.
Kids typically take the father's name.
An old Anglo-American girlfriend insisted that we hyphenate for children's names if we ever had any (presumably the American influence - the English typically don't hyphenate their names as it can seem a bit social-climby1). However she already had a last name with spaces and a hyphen (it had been like that for four generations at this point).
My last name has two spaces in it. Neither of us were willing to give up any part of our names. So if we'd had kids their last names would have been:
Jones-de Belby - von den Belsennaer
I've changed the names slightly for obvious reasons, but you get the idea. That's a 35 character last name with two hyphens, three spaces, three words that capitalise in a non Anglo-standard way2, and a long word in an archaic Dutch spelling! Once you add a first name and two to three middle names on to that, you'd be damned lucky to come in under 60 characters.
You know what though? I'm sure I'd have done it anyway, and to hell with whatever difficulties it causes. I have plenty of trouble with my name, the full version doesn't fit on anything, but I take a great deal of pride in it, and I'm not about to change it just to save a few minutes at passport control.
(1) I saw someone upthread mention aristocratic pretensions. Many English people with double barrelled names are from the upper classes. Typically this would happen when the husband came from a much less important family than the wife, especially if she had no brothers to carry on the name.
(2) The "correct" way to capitalise last names with particles like "von und zu X", "van den X", or "de X" is to capitalise only the "X". Also, these names should be alphabetised by the "X".
I put "correct" in quotation marks because all bets are off when it comes to Americans who may not do this for their own names, obviously I'm not telling anyone how to capitalise their own names.
posted by atrazine at 1:08 PM on August 7, 2009
Kids typically take the father's name.
An old Anglo-American girlfriend insisted that we hyphenate for children's names if we ever had any (presumably the American influence - the English typically don't hyphenate their names as it can seem a bit social-climby1). However she already had a last name with spaces and a hyphen (it had been like that for four generations at this point).
My last name has two spaces in it. Neither of us were willing to give up any part of our names. So if we'd had kids their last names would have been:
Jones-de Belby - von den Belsennaer
I've changed the names slightly for obvious reasons, but you get the idea. That's a 35 character last name with two hyphens, three spaces, three words that capitalise in a non Anglo-standard way2, and a long word in an archaic Dutch spelling! Once you add a first name and two to three middle names on to that, you'd be damned lucky to come in under 60 characters.
You know what though? I'm sure I'd have done it anyway, and to hell with whatever difficulties it causes. I have plenty of trouble with my name, the full version doesn't fit on anything, but I take a great deal of pride in it, and I'm not about to change it just to save a few minutes at passport control.
(1) I saw someone upthread mention aristocratic pretensions. Many English people with double barrelled names are from the upper classes. Typically this would happen when the husband came from a much less important family than the wife, especially if she had no brothers to carry on the name.
(2) The "correct" way to capitalise last names with particles like "von und zu X", "van den X", or "de X" is to capitalise only the "X". Also, these names should be alphabetised by the "X".
I put "correct" in quotation marks because all bets are off when it comes to Americans who may not do this for their own names, obviously I'm not telling anyone how to capitalise their own names.
posted by atrazine at 1:08 PM on August 7, 2009
Anecdote: the most common annoyance for me is the software used to run fencing competitions. Seriously. All that I have been to (many) use the Engarde software, which has a 13-character limit for full names. This truncates my first name entirely from the name field, so my brother and I come up the same in the software. This causes problems, since we could easily end up taking each other's places in the draw. Which, technically, would require the entire competition to be redone. Hence, all fencing competitions now require a frantic discussion with the organizers after the first round.
Huh. I haven't competed in some time, but I used to have the exact same problem with the exact same software. My last name is exactly 13 characters long, had I ever competed in the same tournaments as my brother did (he's rather better than I am, I'm afraid) that would have caused a problem.
posted by atrazine at 1:21 PM on August 7, 2009 [1 favorite]
Huh. I haven't competed in some time, but I used to have the exact same problem with the exact same software. My last name is exactly 13 characters long, had I ever competed in the same tournaments as my brother did (he's rather better than I am, I'm afraid) that would have caused a problem.
posted by atrazine at 1:21 PM on August 7, 2009 [1 favorite]
Any desire I had to give my hypothetical future children a hyphenated last name was forever banished by the sheer number of posts on consumerist.com on this very subject. Everything from airline tickets to passports to out of state driver's licenses all seem to have been made exponentially more difficult by the presence of a simple hyphen.
posted by elizardbits at 1:24 PM on August 7, 2009
posted by elizardbits at 1:24 PM on August 7, 2009
My children all have hyphenated names (my husband and I both kept our own names though) and over the past nine years we have had no problems with the correct names appearing on documents. I'm in Canada though and so many New Canadians have a differnet naming tradtion to the familiar British one (not to mention the longstanding Quebec tradition) that people and databases etc have adapted. I love the two-syllable hyphenated name and it gives them a real connection with my side of the family (my sister also hyphenated her children's names). My family name is very unique (only one in Canada) so I would have hated for it to die out.
posted by saucysault at 2:11 PM on August 7, 2009
posted by saucysault at 2:11 PM on August 7, 2009
My mom kept her name when marrying, so my Mom and Dad had different names. However, they decided to just use my Dad's last name for mine out of convenience and I've always sort of been glad. (Hyphenated would have been 5 syllables). Same story with my little sister (I'm male), so I don't know how they decided which last name to use, but everyone in the family has my Dad's last name, except my Mom.
But other than my friends sometimes calling my mom "Mrs. Mylastname", there haven't been any issues with this. (And she didn't mind that).
So if the comments here convince you to not hyphenate, then it's a fine solution to just pick one of your last names and use that.
posted by losvedir at 2:22 PM on August 7, 2009
But other than my friends sometimes calling my mom "Mrs. Mylastname", there haven't been any issues with this. (And she didn't mind that).
So if the comments here convince you to not hyphenate, then it's a fine solution to just pick one of your last names and use that.
posted by losvedir at 2:22 PM on August 7, 2009
My mother kept her maiden name, so I imagine that hyphenating my last name was an option. However, they gave me my mother's last name as my middle name, which I really like and appreciate. Is something like this an option?
posted by k8lin at 3:19 PM on August 7, 2009
posted by k8lin at 3:19 PM on August 7, 2009
I think hyphenated last names are similar to (beautiful but) unusual (to the country you're living in) first names. I've got one of those lovely, unusual first names.
Which makes me think that the 'it will be difficult/inconvenient for the kid' argument really doesn't resonate with me, since I think the principle value is 'meaningful-ness' in choosing names. Ease is important, but not a deal breaker.
Sometimes names are just usual, they cause inconvenience, they are difficult to pronounce, and so on and on. If it was about ease, at least if you're in the US, you would call your child something like Marie Brown, and both change your names to Brown, and be done with it. But even 'easy' names have their troubles. Even if you called her something 'simple', like, say, 'Anne', there will be the question of if it's spelled "Ann" or "Anne", or if it's pronounced "An" or "Ann-knee", and if kids want to they'll call her "Annie Fanny" or whatnot. Also, some in-law won't like your name choice, wishing you'd named her after something that was meaningful to them, and she'll be in a class with 4 other Annes...(which hopefully won't make her feel 'unspecial', at least until she gets her hands on the Anne of Green Gables books). If you're got a name, you've got some variation of this coming to you.
So, I think it's more sensible to pick names based on positive intentions rather than to avoid potential negative consequences. You can never guess them all, and the most part you can't control the potential 'negative' consequences. In addition to possible situations above, you pick something, that child moves to another country when they grow up and find out that either their first or last name is pronounced similarly to the word that means 'horny' or "pig" in the language of that country. Heck, that's just an annual study abroad rite of passage for some lucky student.
I also don't think double or hyphenated last names are 'punts' on the part of parents, unless they specifically did it because they didn't want to have the difficult conversation of choosing a last name. If they had that conversation, and decided that their values are to appreciate each family, so they went with a double name, then no one's punting. They're choosing. And then they have the responsibility of helping the kid understand the value, and helping them deal. And who knows how the kid will deal overall? I have one friend who dislikes his really, really, simple to pronounce last name so much, he didn't even bother to ask his wife to change hers when they got married. And the kids - they have her name. Rarely are their issues about him having a different last name than his two kids. ( Though I think he just has a notarized copy of their birth certificates in his wallet, because he a planner.)
My point is that if a kid doesn't like your hyphenated name, they really won't struggle with things like 'oh they'll get married...to someone with a hyphenated name....and be stuck with four names'. Really, they'll have their own values and do what's best for them, be it give up their name all together, or figure it out.
If it's inconvenient, you can help them find a way around it, and they will be resilient enough to have it. And that includes the 'posh' sounding John B. Blasingame VI, to honor a family legacy to the girl with the (somewhat difficult to pronounce) name Thandiwe, so named to respect her African heritage, to hyphenated-respectin'-both-parents- Elizabeth Crumple-Meyerson.
As for my name, I just put the phonetic spelling of my first name on name tags, and expect to be asked 'where it comes from'. For my last name, when I travel to one particular country, I explain to the locals that my last name is not pronounced similarly to the word for 'pig' in their language. It's annoying at times, but most of the time I get it. My Dad's birth country is so small that local folks can usually can figure out 'who you are' based on your family last name, so it's important to me to keep. And my first name is because my mother thought I was a gift, so it stays too. Both are worth the small annoyances. I hope if you do go hyphenated, you'll explain to the kid why it was important to you, and help them deal.
Congrats on your new baby!
posted by anitanita at 4:04 PM on August 7, 2009 [1 favorite]
Just as long as there's not too many consonants. People don't even bother with my last name any more. There's just to many v's next to letters that aren't vowels. As long as you avoid that, you should be fine.
posted by happysurge at 7:25 PM on August 7, 2009
posted by happysurge at 7:25 PM on August 7, 2009
Hyphen here! Both parents kept their original last names; the result - my last name - is 5 syllables, 15 letters and spaces, with one uncommon half and one common half.
I've loved having my name. Because of it I've always stood out and gotten a lot of positive attention (have a weird first name too). In school it was always a big joke that when the teacher paused before calling out a name everyone would chime in "prettaygood!" and friends would correct teachers who said it wrong for me. Another benefit has been the instant camaraderie with all other hyphens I meet. "Oh, you have hippie parents too??" Mine aren't really, but that assumption has served me well I think.
As for what to do when I get married, I have no idea. I really dislike the idea of choosing one to pass down because I can't imagine identifying with one name more than the other (and it has always irked me when people drop half of their hyphenated names). I think I'll want to change mine to my future husband's, but I also don't want to 'throw away' this great name. I've got more time to ponder it, though, and I'm certain that I wouldn't rather only have half the name I do so that I could avoid this dilemma. (It is maybe getting slightly old to field that question though.)
The bureaucratic complications haven't gotten me yet (maybe because I'm only in my early 20s?), and I'm not frustrated by having to spell it out multiple times anymore - plenty of people with just one last name have to spell their even more difficult ones.
I know it probably gets a little old for my parents to be called Mr. or Mrs. von Name-Name, but they are easy going and answer to pretty much any combination now (and it's a nice, easy trick for impressing the mom when my brother's and my SOs get her name right). I think my parents are happy they did what they did, and I know I am.
posted by prettaygood at 8:55 PM on August 7, 2009
I've loved having my name. Because of it I've always stood out and gotten a lot of positive attention (have a weird first name too). In school it was always a big joke that when the teacher paused before calling out a name everyone would chime in "prettaygood!" and friends would correct teachers who said it wrong for me. Another benefit has been the instant camaraderie with all other hyphens I meet. "Oh, you have hippie parents too??" Mine aren't really, but that assumption has served me well I think.
As for what to do when I get married, I have no idea. I really dislike the idea of choosing one to pass down because I can't imagine identifying with one name more than the other (and it has always irked me when people drop half of their hyphenated names). I think I'll want to change mine to my future husband's, but I also don't want to 'throw away' this great name. I've got more time to ponder it, though, and I'm certain that I wouldn't rather only have half the name I do so that I could avoid this dilemma. (It is maybe getting slightly old to field that question though.)
The bureaucratic complications haven't gotten me yet (maybe because I'm only in my early 20s?), and I'm not frustrated by having to spell it out multiple times anymore - plenty of people with just one last name have to spell their even more difficult ones.
I know it probably gets a little old for my parents to be called Mr. or Mrs. von Name-Name, but they are easy going and answer to pretty much any combination now (and it's a nice, easy trick for impressing the mom when my brother's and my SOs get her name right). I think my parents are happy they did what they did, and I know I am.
posted by prettaygood at 8:55 PM on August 7, 2009
I have a hyphenated last name. Both last names on their own are a little tricky to spell, so I end up having to say every letter out loud every time I deal with bureaucratic entities. Also, name-storing computer systems that credit card companies etc use don't acknowledge hyphens, so my name is never properly represented. And many hyphenated names are unique in the world, so when someone googles you, they can really find every drop of data.
So I would say hyphenation results mostly in annoyance. Can't think of any benefits, really.
In my case, my parents kept their original names and saddled me with the hyphenated one, suggesting they were both too passive to work out between each other whose name I should get. Shame on you, parents! Nonetheless, I keep my name because people seem to enjoy saying it, and it is unique.
posted by gonna get a dog at 8:25 AM on August 8, 2009
So I would say hyphenation results mostly in annoyance. Can't think of any benefits, really.
In my case, my parents kept their original names and saddled me with the hyphenated one, suggesting they were both too passive to work out between each other whose name I should get. Shame on you, parents! Nonetheless, I keep my name because people seem to enjoy saying it, and it is unique.
posted by gonna get a dog at 8:25 AM on August 8, 2009
My parents gave me one, and I immediately legally changed it as soon as I was old enough to do so. I hated it. It was too long and awkward.
posted by streetdreams at 4:14 PM on August 8, 2009
posted by streetdreams at 4:14 PM on August 8, 2009
I like having a hyphenated last name, it's unique and describes the two very different people and worlds I come from, and because it's been mine all my life, it's what's normal to me. It is annoying on roster's when my name doesn't fit, or when filling out forms, but it's mine, and it's me, and I like that I have part of both of my parents in my name, rather than just one.
posted by Amaranta at 5:35 PM on August 8, 2009
posted by Amaranta at 5:35 PM on August 8, 2009
As an engineer, this drives me nuts because it doesn't scale well at all. I dated a girl with a hyphenated last name for a couple years and I frequently wondered what we would do if we had children because there was no way a triple hyphenation was coming in to play.
Oh the humanity! Won't someone think of the engineers? My parents meant to give me a hyphenated last name, but didn't get around to it. My sibling has a hyphenated last name. We both manage to get by. Personally, I like the way that many Spanish speaking cultures do this.
posted by ActingTheGoat at 6:51 AM on August 10, 2009 [1 favorite]
Oh the humanity! Won't someone think of the engineers? My parents meant to give me a hyphenated last name, but didn't get around to it. My sibling has a hyphenated last name. We both manage to get by. Personally, I like the way that many Spanish speaking cultures do this.
posted by ActingTheGoat at 6:51 AM on August 10, 2009 [1 favorite]
This thread is closed to new comments.
posted by molecicco at 8:08 AM on August 7, 2009 [2 favorites]