The accidental minister's wife
March 23, 2009 7:40 AM Subscribe
My husband, who has been agnostic since we met and hasn't attended church in years, has rather suddenly decided to pursue a career in the ministry. I don't know what to do or who to talk to about my concerns.
posted by anonymous to religion & philosophy (32 answers total) 10 users marked this as a favorite
First off, I am Buddhist and he is Christian. I have no problems with what he believes, nor does he have any issue with what I believe. This is just a very unexpected turn of events and I never envisioned becoming a minister's wife.
1. He says that since ministers are essentially public figures, they must be very careful about appearances so as to avoid scandal.
a. We're both kinky, and have attended public events and clubs. He says we won't be able to do that anymore, and I'll have to avoid discussing the topic with anyone. (I'm not out about it anyway, but I don't make a special effort to hide it either.)
b. He says he's not going to watch porn anymore and is in the process of deciding how he feels about other sex acts (presumably the kinky ones). I'm worried that we'll end up with missionary-position only.
c. He says that people are bound to gossip and judge me because I am his wife. I lead a pretty unremarkable life (except for the kinky stuff) but this makes me self-conscious as hell and it feels very restrictive (i.e. sometimes I like to go to gay dance clubs with friends, my bachelorette party was at a strip club, etc).
2. I'm afraid that as he becomes closer to the Christian community, it's going to create a wedge between us. He says he has no problem with my beliefs NOW, and he's even very curious about Buddhism, but he's almost certainly going to get pressure from less open-minded people who insist I'm going to hell.
a. Then again, he did say that I can't make an informed decision about whether or not I'm Christian without having read the Gospels. I countered with "Why don't you read the Qu'ran, just to make sure you're not Muslim?"
3. I really, honestly don't have a problem with anyone's belief system, BUT I don't necessarily want to talk about it, or be around a bunch of people who think I'm wrong. I feel like a fish out of water in a church, and I can't in good conscience "go through the motions" (not that he is asking me to). I grew up as a Christian and left the church when I was 14 because it just didn't make any sense to me.
OK, so all that said - my husband is a very good man who I love infinitely, and who loves me unconditionally. He is not one of "those" Christians - he believes in marriage rights for same-sex couples, he's pro-choice, feminist, etc. We agree on pretty much everything except the whole God & Christ thing. We don't have kids and won't be having any, so that's not an issue. I am definitely not considering leaving him, but I just don't know what to do with this new information. Help?