We were friends-more than friends-back to friends (his call, not mine). Externally I have handled it well, I think. Internally, I am splitting - either limerant or indifferent. Oh, his mom has cancer too...
posted by anonymous to human relations (11 answers total) 5 users marked this as a favorite
There is a guy I have known for awhile. We weren't very close for about 3 years, though we had mutual friends. In the past 1 and 1/2 years, we got closer: long conversations in person and on the phone about politics, life, humor, all that stuff. I found myself becoming more attracted to him.
After the 1 and 1/2 years, I finally said something (like, 3 mos. ago). Very non-committal and no pressure--just said, hey, i feel like we get along great, etc, would you ever consider dating? (i am paraphrasing). I said it is okay if you do not want to, no hard feelings. He was very happy and responded in the affirmative--he went on and on about how he's always wanted to be affectionate with me and kiss me and that the feeling is mutual. We both clarified that we were on the same page -- that we were not entering a relationship, but that we would see what happens/date, since the situation is a bit delicate because of our friendship.
We had 3 dates -- all were angst-less, filled with laughter, fun, light physical stuff, snuggling, etc. Because we knew each other for many years, it felt very easy.
However, the fourth time we were supposed to meet up, he cancelled on me. Which was fine. Then said he thought we should go back to friendship, he didn't want to get too far with me. I was disappointed, but I respected his choice. I feel like he was making excuses, but whatever -- bottom line, I felt like "he's just not that into me" and I will deal. If he were into me, he would want to continue dating me. So I am not going to sit there and try to convince someone to change their mind. I also prepared myself for the fact that he may choose to date other girls.
In the setting of all this, I have known for about 8 months that his mother has terminal cancer. Now, my friend is pretty unemotional because he was raised in a no-nonsense type family, low-drama.
When he and I became closer as friends, his mother's cancer is one of the things he told me about.
My question is: what do I do w/ my current state? So it's been 3 months since those "dates" and our brief period of more than friends. Bottom line, I wish we were dating, but he doesn't want to date. I respect that.
But I find myself day dreaming about him. wishing he would call me more often. wondering what he is doing. little things (he's a bit dense in terms of social interaction) that i would brush off during our friendship bother me now (i.e. if he calls me a "loser" jokingly like we did when we were "buddies"). I feel like though I am feeling torn inside, I am very much trying to "fake it till I make it."
His friendship is very valuable to me. But I am tired of feeling all this emotional drama inside of me. (He has not dated anyone since breaking up w/ me). I feel like the right thing to do is to become scarce, and I have tried. But he's the kind of person that doesn't even really notice if I disappear. And before, when we were friends, that would not bother me. Now it does.
But I feel bad making a conscious effort to NOT talk to him, when a good friend should be asking him about his mother, his family, her health and so on. What kind of lame friend am I for being so self-centered because I am still pining after 3 dates with him, and his mother has CANCER, for heaven's sake?
To summarize to the tl;dr crowd:
1) Friends for 1.5 years with a non-emotional boy; we tried dating for 1 month about 3 months ago; he ended it.
2) i wish we were dating, but on the surface i really act like nothing is wrong - fake it till you make it
3) his mom has cancer, i feel like an ass if i disappear (to help myself cope) and not followup on how she's doing. however, he never really brings her up (he doesnt' shy away from it if i ask) but he sounds like he is generally doing fine, all the jazz.
4) why do i like him, when he clearly does not like me? :(
/emo mefi rant