How do I need to deal with this? Do I cut ties?

March 4, 2009 8:26 PM

We were friends-more than friends-back to friends (his call, not mine). Externally I have handled it well, I think. Internally, I am splitting - either limerant or indifferent. Oh, his mom has cancer too...

There is a guy I have known for awhile. We weren't very close for about 3 years, though we had mutual friends. In the past 1 and 1/2 years, we got closer: long conversations in person and on the phone about politics, life, humor, all that stuff. I found myself becoming more attracted to him.

After the 1 and 1/2 years, I finally said something (like, 3 mos. ago). Very non-committal and no pressure--just said, hey, i feel like we get along great, etc, would you ever consider dating? (i am paraphrasing). I said it is okay if you do not want to, no hard feelings. He was very happy and responded in the affirmative--he went on and on about how he's always wanted to be affectionate with me and kiss me and that the feeling is mutual. We both clarified that we were on the same page -- that we were not entering a relationship, but that we would see what happens/date, since the situation is a bit delicate because of our friendship.

We had 3 dates -- all were angst-less, filled with laughter, fun, light physical stuff, snuggling, etc. Because we knew each other for many years, it felt very easy.

However, the fourth time we were supposed to meet up, he cancelled on me. Which was fine. Then said he thought we should go back to friendship, he didn't want to get too far with me. I was disappointed, but I respected his choice. I feel like he was making excuses, but whatever -- bottom line, I felt like "he's just not that into me" and I will deal. If he were into me, he would want to continue dating me. So I am not going to sit there and try to convince someone to change their mind. I also prepared myself for the fact that he may choose to date other girls.

In the setting of all this, I have known for about 8 months that his mother has terminal cancer. Now, my friend is pretty unemotional because he was raised in a no-nonsense type family, low-drama.

When he and I became closer as friends, his mother's cancer is one of the things he told me about.

My question is: what do I do w/ my current state? So it's been 3 months since those "dates" and our brief period of more than friends. Bottom line, I wish we were dating, but he doesn't want to date. I respect that.

But I find myself day dreaming about him. wishing he would call me more often. wondering what he is doing. little things (he's a bit dense in terms of social interaction) that i would brush off during our friendship bother me now (i.e. if he calls me a "loser" jokingly like we did when we were "buddies"). I feel like though I am feeling torn inside, I am very much trying to "fake it till I make it."

His friendship is very valuable to me. But I am tired of feeling all this emotional drama inside of me. (He has not dated anyone since breaking up w/ me). I feel like the right thing to do is to become scarce, and I have tried. But he's the kind of person that doesn't even really notice if I disappear. And before, when we were friends, that would not bother me. Now it does.

But I feel bad making a conscious effort to NOT talk to him, when a good friend should be asking him about his mother, his family, her health and so on. What kind of lame friend am I for being so self-centered because I am still pining after 3 dates with him, and his mother has CANCER, for heaven's sake?

To summarize to the tl;dr crowd:
1) Friends for 1.5 years with a non-emotional boy; we tried dating for 1 month about 3 months ago; he ended it.
2) i wish we were dating, but on the surface i really act like nothing is wrong - fake it till you make it
3) his mom has cancer, i feel like an ass if i disappear (to help myself cope) and not followup on how she's doing. however, he never really brings her up (he doesnt' shy away from it if i ask) but he sounds like he is generally doing fine, all the jazz.

and

4) why do i like him, when he clearly does not like me? :(
/emo mefi rant

posted by anonymous to human relations (11 answers total)

Have you considered asking him whether he isn't up for dating anyone right now (due to his mother's illness or other circumstances) or he decided that a romantic relationship between the two of you would never work out? Any elements of uncertainty can feed into your fantasies, and that one at least could be eliminated with a brief, honest discussion. If he says he might want to try dating again in the future -- well, you still might need to distance yourself. You don't want to be kept hanging indefinitely, but at least you could tell him to contact you if he's ever ready, then move on yourself without wondering if there was anything else you could have done. Try not to be embarrassed about revealing any residual feelings for him -- after all, he was interested in you as well.

I have suffered from limerance many times, and avoiding the guy seems to help. Transferring to another can help in a pinch -- e.g. if you are determined to maintain a friendship with him. Does he have other friends who can act as a support system, or do you feel guilty for leaving him 'alone' during his mother's illness? Especially since he doesn't seem to be leaning on you much... you have to take care of yourself.
posted by ecsh at 9:24 PM on March 4, 2009

wow... I could have written this one... there are many things I could say here .. most of them based on what I have gone through myself and the time I WASTED on someone just not really worth it. Please don't misunderstand me.. not that the guy was a jerk or anything - he was a good guy.

But regardless of how great someone is, if they don't 'see' you and what you could bring to a relationship then it's not worth it for you. The trouble is, if you do dig this guy and you hang around to be a good friend you WILL miss other opportunities because you won't be looking for them. Please trust me on that.

If you are friends and he needs your support he will ask for it, if he's not asking for your time fill it with something else. Either he'll notice and ring you or he won't and you will be way ahead in the 'getting him off your mind' department because you've gotten on with looking for what you need.

good luck, been there and I know it sucks!
posted by Weaslegirl at 9:24 PM on March 4, 2009 [1 favorite]

His way of coping with his mother's illness may be very different from yours. You are assuming that he wants friendly support and possibly even a shoulder to cry on. But he isn't asking you for either of those things - they may be what you would want in his situation but obviously not what he wants for himself. So, cross the whole "his mother has cancer" bit off your list. It sounds like you recognize that you need to distance yourself to help you cope. If it makes you feel better, you can let him know that you need some space but if he ever needs you to help deal with his mother's situations, all he has to do is ask and youwould be happy to be there as a friend. (he may never take you up on this but you'll feel better having made the offer.) Then don't call him, don't hang out with him. Right now he is your ex-boyfriend (even if it only lasted a month) and you need to deal with him on those terms.
posted by metahawk at 10:51 PM on March 4, 2009

1) Friends for 1.5 years with a non-emotional boy; we tried dating for 1 month about 3 months ago; he ended it.
2) i wish we were dating, but on the surface i really act like nothing is wrong - fake it till you make it
3) his mom has cancer, i feel like an ass if i disappear (to help myself cope) and not followup on how she's doing. however, he never really brings her up (he doesnt' shy away from it if i ask) but he sounds like he is generally doing fine, all the jazz.

I've been on the boy end of this. Here's my advice:

1. He ended it because he's not into you. He's never going to like you more than a friend. Accept this.

2. Either continue feeling pathetic or move on. I suggest the latter.

3. First, love and attraction are hard to understand sometimes, but don't conflate your feelings for this guy with your sympathy for his mom. Nothing you say or do about his mother is going to make this guy like you more.
Also, it's not your job to solve this guy's problems. You don't have to disappear, but if you're friends, you should wait for him to approach you to talk about it.

Imagine what you'd do if you met another wonderful boy who made it so easy to be in a relationship. What would you do then? Try to do that now, and find the wonderful boy later.
posted by hpliferaft at 5:55 AM on March 5, 2009

This is purely anecdotal, but my father took two years to ask my mother out on a second date because he was dealing with his mom's terminal cancer at the time. He then asked her to marry him after two more dates and only a few weeks of seeing each other! Eight months later they were happily married for the next thirteen years (my Dad passed away from cancer).

I'm not saying this is what will happen to the two of you, but my point is people handle things in weird ways, especially when a parent is dying. Just because it isn't working out now, doesn't necessarily mean it won't work out in the future. It also doesn't mean that it will evolve like you want. If you can, just live your life (even go on dates if the opportunity arises), and have as much contact with him as you can manage without making yourself completely miserable. He probably can't see straight about much right now, and regardless, it sounds like you two have a great rapport. Worst that can happen, if you can actually transition to just friends, is having a friend instead of a partner.
posted by katemcd at 6:28 AM on March 5, 2009

Re: Weaslegirl. I also could've written this post - particularly the part about feeling like you have to 'be there for the other person' and how much you 'value their friendship.' Fast forward two years. I no longer speak to my version of your guy and I don't miss him in the slightest; particularly how insecure, unlovable and pathetic he made me feel. You don't owe him ANYTHING.
posted by cranberrymonger at 8:01 AM on March 5, 2009 [2 favorites]

Don't let the mother/cancer situation phase you, either. Have sympathy and recognize that it's hard, but don't use that as an excuse to keep in touch with him and ruin your own self-esteem in the process. I hope this doesn't sound too harsh but back when I was in a similar situation, I needed a kick in the pants :)
posted by cranberrymonger at 8:03 AM on March 5, 2009

I agree with hpliferaft, that he didn't end this because of his Mom's cancer.

But, having dated a good friend after a few years of friendship, only to have it end, unceremoniously, with me as the dumpee, it really, really sucks. Those years of getting to know him through friendship have cemented the attraction you have. You basically had three years to become super-attracted to this person. That's why it hurts so much right now, much more than dating a new person for a month would.

There may be a remedy other than time to heal this wound, but I don't know if it.
posted by world b free at 8:18 AM on March 5, 2009

**sorry, OF it.
posted by world b free at 8:18 AM on March 5, 2009

As an outsider, it's easy to underestimate how big a deal it is to watch a parent die from cancer. A friend's dad died from cancer, and we talked about what was going on a fair amount, but it was only much later that I got a true understanding of how huge the situation felt for her from the inside.
posted by salvia at 9:46 AM on March 5, 2009

I think that withdrawing subtly while still making it clear that if he needs you there might be the best thing you can do for both of you.

When I was losing my mom, I had little energy and no emotional energy - I was barely sustaining friendships. I wouldn't have wanted to handle a friend drama with a ten foot pole. But I would feel upset (probably later) if someone I thought of as a good friend completely disappeared from. It sounds like you can withdraw quite a bit, though, without him feeling abandoned, and without him needing to feel any awkwardness towards you if/when he's ready to change the dynamic (not necessarily to romantic, even just returning to a more active friendship when he gets the emotional energy).

Losing a mother is a big deal. It's a bigger deal than getting rejected and I think in the long run you'll feel better about yourself if you put him ahead of you just now. But like I said above, that doesn't necessarily require martyrdom.

It's hard, we all know it's hard. But pretend in your head that he dumped you, that he has another girlfriend, that he swore a religious vow against dating you, every time you think about him that way, redirect to Brad Pitt, or whoever does it for you, whatever you needed to do to get him out of that space in your head.

But still, focus on being a friend and find a way to let go of the romantic aspirations.
posted by Salamandrous at 10:33 AM on March 6, 2009