How not to be a pain when invited to dinner
January 14, 2009 10:45 AM
Medically restricted diet and Foodies. Bad mix. What to do?
My father was recently diagnosed with Type II Diabetes. He and all his friends are serious foodies. Although he and my mother are working valiantly to change his diet appropriately, they have one important question: how to go to dinner at their friends' homes?
For decades now, they've had long-standing dinner-date exchanges with friends who cook with all the foods now banned from my father's diet (cream, sugar, butter, pasta, you name it). Although it's very possible to cook a diabetes-friendly meal that is delicious and interesting, and my parents are more than willing to cook such meals for their friends, what to do when they are invited to someone else's house for dinner? The diabetes diet is very complicated, and explaining it and asking people to comply with it seems a bit much. And my parents can't always be the hosts, because many of these dinners are held in foreign countries where my parents are guests.
Does anyone with a medically restricted diet have suggestions for how to handle these awkward situations? Anecdotes, resources, suggestions ... all are welcome and appreciated.
My father was recently diagnosed with Type II Diabetes. He and all his friends are serious foodies. Although he and my mother are working valiantly to change his diet appropriately, they have one important question: how to go to dinner at their friends' homes?
For decades now, they've had long-standing dinner-date exchanges with friends who cook with all the foods now banned from my father's diet (cream, sugar, butter, pasta, you name it). Although it's very possible to cook a diabetes-friendly meal that is delicious and interesting, and my parents are more than willing to cook such meals for their friends, what to do when they are invited to someone else's house for dinner? The diabetes diet is very complicated, and explaining it and asking people to comply with it seems a bit much. And my parents can't always be the hosts, because many of these dinners are held in foreign countries where my parents are guests.
Does anyone with a medically restricted diet have suggestions for how to handle these awkward situations? Anecdotes, resources, suggestions ... all are welcome and appreciated.
IANAD, but I used to be married to a diabetic (type I, very brittle). I always understood sugar and simple starches to be the big no-nos because they cause such sharp and difficult-to-regulate jumps in blood glucose levels. I know diabetes is linked to increased risk of heart attacks and stroke, thus the steering away from saturated fats, but perhaps an occasional indulgence would be okay so long as overall fat intake is significantly reduced with changes in the regular at-home diet?
posted by jon1270 at 11:04 AM on January 14, 2009
posted by jon1270 at 11:04 AM on January 14, 2009
I don't have a medically restricted diet, but I was vegan for a while by choice, and am now vegetarian, and I just sort of wanted to chime in with a possible suggestion just for the hell of it, regardless of my specific lack of qualifications. If I were your parents, I would just send out a note or an email to all of the friends involved in these dinner-date exchanges explaining the situation. Disclose the diabetes diagnosis if your dad doesn't feel like it infringes too much on his privacy, include a brief explanation of allowed/not allowed foods, and close with some sort of sentiment about how they'd like to continue doing dinners regardless but that their friends shouldn't feel obligated to comply with the restrictions, if they do in fact want to do that.
Your parents can continue to participate in the dinner exchanges (your mom can eat an unrestricted diet, right?), but your dad should probably plan to not eat most of the food and to just participate as a conversationalist and welcome guest, but abstain from violating his diet more than he wants. Take things on a case by case basis and if your friends choose to cook things he can eat, great, but if not, he can eat something else and still be good company and maintain his friendships. The friends won't be offended that he doesn't eat because they'll know the situation, but if he doesn't want them to feel obligated to cook specially for him, just include that in his initial explanatory note.
Hopefully some of their friends will rise to the challenge, or maybe your dad would feel comfortable bringing a tried-and-true diabetes-friendly dish to a meal to share with everyone. I'm sure their friends will understand that your dad's health comes first, but that doesn't affect how much they enjoy his company.
posted by booknerd at 11:08 AM on January 14, 2009
Your parents can continue to participate in the dinner exchanges (your mom can eat an unrestricted diet, right?), but your dad should probably plan to not eat most of the food and to just participate as a conversationalist and welcome guest, but abstain from violating his diet more than he wants. Take things on a case by case basis and if your friends choose to cook things he can eat, great, but if not, he can eat something else and still be good company and maintain his friendships. The friends won't be offended that he doesn't eat because they'll know the situation, but if he doesn't want them to feel obligated to cook specially for him, just include that in his initial explanatory note.
Hopefully some of their friends will rise to the challenge, or maybe your dad would feel comfortable bringing a tried-and-true diabetes-friendly dish to a meal to share with everyone. I'm sure their friends will understand that your dad's health comes first, but that doesn't affect how much they enjoy his company.
posted by booknerd at 11:08 AM on January 14, 2009
How is he controlling his Diabetes? If he is doing so with insulin, he can talk to his doctors about how to gauge the insulin to the meal he's eating, which would allow him to eat "banned foods" now and again. My mom, who is also Type II, allows herself an occasional meal to not worry about what she eats.
If you're talking about meals on a very regular basis, I have gestational diabetes (controlled with pills that I can't just adjust to the meal) and have been dealing with this. I typically handle things by 1) eating a snack before hand; 2) eating a larger helping of whatever protein is being served; 3) eating lots of the veggies; 4) eating smaller amounts of the starches; 5) taking a brisk 20 minute walk after dinner; and 6) keeping a snack in my purse in case I really can't eat very much and am worried about a sugar crash. Even in the case of gestational diabetes, where a baby is involved, my specialist has said that one high number once in a while is not the issue -- the issue is trying to keep a mostly steady number. Has your dad seen a nutritionist/specialist who has told him that his blood sugar can never go above a certain number?
Also, while it seems daunting now, the diet gets much easier as it goes along, and he'll learn what foods trigger bad levels for him (for me, I've learned that pineapple and milk are the fastest ways to spike sugar. Lots of people with diabetes can tolerate milk without it spiking).
posted by dpx.mfx at 11:09 AM on January 14, 2009
If you're talking about meals on a very regular basis, I have gestational diabetes (controlled with pills that I can't just adjust to the meal) and have been dealing with this. I typically handle things by 1) eating a snack before hand; 2) eating a larger helping of whatever protein is being served; 3) eating lots of the veggies; 4) eating smaller amounts of the starches; 5) taking a brisk 20 minute walk after dinner; and 6) keeping a snack in my purse in case I really can't eat very much and am worried about a sugar crash. Even in the case of gestational diabetes, where a baby is involved, my specialist has said that one high number once in a while is not the issue -- the issue is trying to keep a mostly steady number. Has your dad seen a nutritionist/specialist who has told him that his blood sugar can never go above a certain number?
Also, while it seems daunting now, the diet gets much easier as it goes along, and he'll learn what foods trigger bad levels for him (for me, I've learned that pineapple and milk are the fastest ways to spike sugar. Lots of people with diabetes can tolerate milk without it spiking).
posted by dpx.mfx at 11:09 AM on January 14, 2009
I'm Type II diabetic.
There are a lot of factors you left out. Is his diabetes under control i.e. what are his waking numbers, what are his numbers after meals? Does he exercise and if so how much? How old is he? What meds is he on? Is he taking them consistently?
Most importantly, can he control himself when surrounded by all the goodness of a foodie dinner? If he can't, he needs to either stop going and accept the fact that doing this will kill him and enjoy himself in the meantime.
What's the situation with these dinners, are these dinners with good friends or something else? If it's good friends, he can probably talk to them and work something out (using splenda instead of sugar). If it's a more formal thing with non-friends, he can try, but frankly being a foodie and being Type II don't mix very well. Does he want to be a foodie or does he want the complication of diabetes and a earlier death? There's also the matter of cultural sensitives as many people get offended when you don't eat their food. I can't tell you how many times non-diabetics want me to "just try a little of this" and when I said no and they repeatedly ask and I bluntly say "No, it's not happening" they get radically offended.
He really needs to prepare himself for not being a foodie, as Diabetes gets worse over time, further restricting what he should eat. Otherwise, he can ask for a menu beforehand and figure out what he should and shouldn't eat and stick to that.
posted by Brandon Blatcher at 12:02 PM on January 14, 2009
There are a lot of factors you left out. Is his diabetes under control i.e. what are his waking numbers, what are his numbers after meals? Does he exercise and if so how much? How old is he? What meds is he on? Is he taking them consistently?
Most importantly, can he control himself when surrounded by all the goodness of a foodie dinner? If he can't, he needs to either stop going and accept the fact that doing this will kill him and enjoy himself in the meantime.
What's the situation with these dinners, are these dinners with good friends or something else? If it's good friends, he can probably talk to them and work something out (using splenda instead of sugar). If it's a more formal thing with non-friends, he can try, but frankly being a foodie and being Type II don't mix very well. Does he want to be a foodie or does he want the complication of diabetes and a earlier death? There's also the matter of cultural sensitives as many people get offended when you don't eat their food. I can't tell you how many times non-diabetics want me to "just try a little of this" and when I said no and they repeatedly ask and I bluntly say "No, it's not happening" they get radically offended.
He really needs to prepare himself for not being a foodie, as Diabetes gets worse over time, further restricting what he should eat. Otherwise, he can ask for a menu beforehand and figure out what he should and shouldn't eat and stick to that.
posted by Brandon Blatcher at 12:02 PM on January 14, 2009
I'm pre-T2 diabetic and am trying my damndest to keep from becoming full-blown T2 via diet. It's a struggle, and the kind of situation you described is totally the sort of thing that is a setup for failure to comply if one doesn't have a strategy.
I've been dealing with it long enough to just be able to ask flat out if there will be a sugar- and starch-free protein souce (and get full clarification as to what it will be). If not, I volunteer to bring one, or say that I'd be glad to join the dinner party for "dessert" (which, in my case, means coffee with cream). And at dinner I don't hesitate to ask "What are the ingredients?" even if it does make me look like a pain in the ass.
This approach usually works well with close friends; it's the casual (usually workplace) acquaintances that have trouble understanding the seriousness of diet in the diabetic progression. I've often considered showing the less-than-empathetic a Google image search for diabetic foot (warning - only the strong of stomach should click) to drive the point home of what, exactly, I'm trying to prevent by restricting the sugar and starch!
Oh and - cream and butter shouldn't necessarily be banned. Cream has fewer carbs than whole milk (and WAY fewer carbs than the lowfat junk that is everywhere these days), and butter is also low in carbohydrates. Your dad should read Dr. Bernstein's book and website if he hasn't already - it's a pretty radical approach, but far from deprivation :)
posted by chez shoes at 12:20 PM on January 14, 2009
I've been dealing with it long enough to just be able to ask flat out if there will be a sugar- and starch-free protein souce (and get full clarification as to what it will be). If not, I volunteer to bring one, or say that I'd be glad to join the dinner party for "dessert" (which, in my case, means coffee with cream). And at dinner I don't hesitate to ask "What are the ingredients?" even if it does make me look like a pain in the ass.
This approach usually works well with close friends; it's the casual (usually workplace) acquaintances that have trouble understanding the seriousness of diet in the diabetic progression. I've often considered showing the less-than-empathetic a Google image search for diabetic foot (warning - only the strong of stomach should click) to drive the point home of what, exactly, I'm trying to prevent by restricting the sugar and starch!
Oh and - cream and butter shouldn't necessarily be banned. Cream has fewer carbs than whole milk (and WAY fewer carbs than the lowfat junk that is everywhere these days), and butter is also low in carbohydrates. Your dad should read Dr. Bernstein's book and website if he hasn't already - it's a pretty radical approach, but far from deprivation :)
posted by chez shoes at 12:20 PM on January 14, 2009
If these people are good friends, then they should understand that eating the wrong food can have a very serious adverse effect on your father's health. It's not like he's changed his diet to be awkward - diabetes is a serious thing.
On that note, I would get your parents to explain, preferably in person/via telephone so they can hammer home the point, that certain foods are now off limits for your father. Perhaps the cook in question could cook a healthier meal, or maybe another dish specifically for your father?
I think if they phrase it as being a legitimate health concern then people will be more obliging.
That said, if people aren't obliging, then the only thing your father can do is abstain from eating the meal. It may take something like that to convince people that this can be a serious problem for people.
posted by Solomon at 12:37 PM on January 14, 2009
On that note, I would get your parents to explain, preferably in person/via telephone so they can hammer home the point, that certain foods are now off limits for your father. Perhaps the cook in question could cook a healthier meal, or maybe another dish specifically for your father?
I think if they phrase it as being a legitimate health concern then people will be more obliging.
That said, if people aren't obliging, then the only thing your father can do is abstain from eating the meal. It may take something like that to convince people that this can be a serious problem for people.
posted by Solomon at 12:37 PM on January 14, 2009
Explain to friends that you will happily partake of foods that will not cause health problems and abstain from the rest. Offer to bring a dish that you can eat, so that other guests don't feel awkward. If the friend says "What can I make that you can eat?" offer a simple version of the rules/restrictions.
I have vegetarian friends, and always make a mix of things, so they can have a nice meal. Potluck makes this sort of thing more manageable; guests with food issues can bring something they can eat.
posted by theora55 at 1:03 PM on January 14, 2009
I have vegetarian friends, and always make a mix of things, so they can have a nice meal. Potluck makes this sort of thing more manageable; guests with food issues can bring something they can eat.
posted by theora55 at 1:03 PM on January 14, 2009
I saw a nutritionist when I decided to switch to a low-glycemic diet. She advised me to eat protein and good carbs before going to a restaurant or dinner party. This works out well for me, because when I'm hungry, I don't have a lot of self-control. I have a yogurt and an apple before I leave the house, or some lean chicken and a steamed vegetable. Then when I'm out, I order an appetizer or ask my host for small servings of everything. I explain as much or as little as I want to, either before or after -- I don't like talking about it during dinner, because it's boring to me and it invites others to talk about every food allergy they've ever heard of :-)
Having a few bites of rich, sweet, or white foods doesn't need to cause a blood sugar problem. I do abstain from foods I find extra hard to resist; there's no way I'm going to have "just a taste" of cheesecake or warm French bread.
posted by wryly at 1:25 PM on January 14, 2009
Having a few bites of rich, sweet, or white foods doesn't need to cause a blood sugar problem. I do abstain from foods I find extra hard to resist; there's no way I'm going to have "just a taste" of cheesecake or warm French bread.
posted by wryly at 1:25 PM on January 14, 2009
For decades now? If these folks are older, all of them may have health issues of their own soon enough. He can be the pioneer of restricted diets! Have him bring his own food.
posted by Lesser Shrew at 7:25 PM on January 14, 2009
posted by Lesser Shrew at 7:25 PM on January 14, 2009
These were all very helpful. Thanks so much to all of you.
posted by Capri at 9:25 PM on January 26, 2009
posted by Capri at 9:25 PM on January 26, 2009
This thread is closed to new comments.
posted by Carol Anne at 11:01 AM on January 14, 2009