Help a lover out

January 1, 2009 5:56 PM

My lover is depressed. How can I help him?

He's mainly down on his job (although it is steady and pays well), and the place we live (Chicago is cold but affordable). He speaks a lot less than he used to. He is less affectionate.

I've asked him to seek professional help (he's seen a shrink on past matters). And I've asked him to discuss his problems with me before. He tells me he doesn't want to talk about it. I want to be there to help him, but truthfully, his depression is making me love him less and less. We live together. He drinks a lot in the evenings, which I don't mind because it puts him in a better mood. (dangerous, I know).

His biggest concern is that he hates where we live, and sure, I'd love to live in LA, but a big move isn't financially feasible for me right now. How can I help him in the short term, until we hypothetically move?

Some other background info: we've lived together for 3 years. He does exercise (a common depression remedy). thanks.

posted by Jason and Laszlo to Human Relations (11 answers total)

the more that I think about it, he doesn't have all the trappings of clinical depression; he's just always in a bad mood. thanks.
posted by Jason and Laszlo at 6:01 PM on January 1, 2009

Maybe it's Seasonal Affective Disorder? You could switch out all the lights in the house with full-spectrum light bulbs.
posted by Jacqueline at 6:14 PM on January 1, 2009

It sounds less like depression and more like he's simply unhappy with his life. I'd guess a hard discussion on your future together is in order, perhaps in the presence of a counselor.
posted by fatbird at 6:26 PM on January 1, 2009

To clarify, I'm not suggesting that he's hiding something from you. But if he doesn't like his job and he doesn't like Chicago, and moving/changing jobs isn't an option, then you two probably need a frank discussion about what you can do or need to do to make him happy again so you two can be happy together. A counselor can probably facilitate such a discussion and keep it productive. Because drinking to deal with unhappy circumstances will probably lead to a bad end.
posted by fatbird at 6:30 PM on January 1, 2009

The symptoms of depression in men are different than in women. Consider those listed here. My husband had many years of irritability, very short temper, and even drinking to (what I considered) excess. He always attributed these feelings and behaviors to whatever the current situation was. i.e. We were stuck in traffic, he was working a lot of hours, the car broke down, we had financial problems, a colleague was difficult to work with, the kids were difficult, etc. But eventually the behavior was more consistent than the problems. I finally convinced him to talk w/ his doc, and on his advice, start an anti-depressant. It was a real eye-opener to see how he became more even-tempered, and found everything in his life easier to handle. He was a better dad and husband, and felt better about himself.

He's had to make minor adjustments of meds over time...I help him by letting him know how I perceive he is handling frustration, difficulties in his life...Now, he notices when things are not right, mood-wise, but it took him quite awhile to see how it was the medication and not the situation, that made him better able to cope. One thing we began to be aware of were the same issues (though mostly, at first, unmedicated--now several have benefited from mood stabilizing medications) in a number of family members of his...in particular his mother, and some brothers. It turns out to be at least partly hereditary and it is easier for him to understand and take note of it now in himself and throughout his family. It helped that I have personal experience with mood disorders.

This, of course, may not relate to what you are seeing, but it sounds familiar enough that I wanted to share our experience. This is very difficult stuff and my heart resonates with yours. Best to you.
posted by mumstheword at 6:44 PM on January 1, 2009

Perhaps you could convince him to start some sort of soul searching (i.e. journalling, writing to people, art, getting out in nature), but the problem remains that you would have to convince him, and he doesn't really sound like he wants to be convinced. A discussion between the two of you wherein you attempt to get him to talk/try something new/explore his feelings will probably make him more introverted and defensive. It's touchy, and honestly I'm just not sure there's much you can do to change the way he thinks. You could do random nice things for him, in fact I think you could potentially make a dent in his mood if you merely stopped asking him about his moods and instead left little lovenotes where he would find them, etc. That's not to say it will definitely work, but it might.

Things to consider:

1. Sometimes people pull away and make themselves no fun to be around because they want to be alone to deal with a problem, sometimes that problem is they're unhappy in the relationship.

2. I lived in MA for 2 years and was absolutely miserable. Turns out I need to be able to go outside every day and see the sun and the weather was simply not condusive. It's unfortunate-- many of my friends live in NYC and I like the scene there-- but I simply have to make allowances for my day-to-day life.

3. Do you know anything about his family situation? Is there a situation?

4. Is it that you think he doesn't know what's best for him? That's a slippery slope and will leave him feeling resentful, so make sure that's not where you're coming from.


It sounds really tough, he's lucky to have someone to love him through his (inexplicable) misery.
posted by big open mouth at 8:19 PM on January 1, 2009

It might make a difference if you both had a definite plan for moving to Los Angeles, say in two or three years. Make a budget, come up with fun things to do together that don't cost a lot of money, come up with plans to do things he wants to do. It might be depressing at first to realize how long things will take, but he'll have something definite to look forward to. That "future is better than now" can make a world of difference.
posted by amtho at 3:51 AM on January 2, 2009

He might be clueless as to how he's affecting you. Really. He might know he's miserable, but he might think that by not talking about it and by handling it this way that he's somehow sparing you the worst of it. Which he clearly isn't, by the sound of things.

Mr G gets major grumps from time to time. He's a bit grumbly and a teensy bit dour most of the time, but when SAD and/or life worries (aging parents, flaky brother, job he can't stand but refuses to leave, crazy raft of cousins) get on top of him, he can be a real miseryguts. I let him do this for a while, to see if it's a mood or a trend. When it's a trend, I tell Mr G that he's being a miseryguts and that I love him to bits but that he's making me miserable as well with all this nonsense, and that I know there are things getting him down, but I can't help him unless he lets me... and what kind of soft idiot does he think I am that he can't trust me to be strong for and with him? It snaps him out of it. It's kind of his cue to start talking to me about what's really getting under his skin. Mr G was raised in very macho kind of "real men don't cry, they just sew their own arm back on and get back down the pit as that coal won't take itself out of the ground" sort of environment. I need to call him on his bullshit in a loving sort of way before he talks to me, makes changes, lets me help where and if I can, and feels better. He won't do it on his own. He doesn't even completely realise when he's crossing the line between sorting himself out and not bothering anyone with his problems or bad mood and making everyone around him miserable because he's miserable and they love him.

Making it a touchy feely fest doesn't work for my guy - he just doesn't respond. I don't know if your fella is the same way, but if he is, calling him on it (lovingly, but with strength) might help.
posted by Grrlscout at 3:55 AM on January 2, 2009

I just want to caution the assumption that moving will make him happy. As someone who has moved around a lot for various reasons I've discovered that ultimately it's just geography. Chicago is cold, but LA has its own set of issues (exacerbated by a LOT of people). The times that moves have been successful for me are when I was in a good place/headspace before the move. We bring our expectations and perspective with us.
posted by Kimberly at 8:23 AM on January 2, 2009

Making it a touchy feely fest doesn't work for my guy - he just doesn't respond.

My husband is the same way. Don't try and talk to him about it; he's already told you he doesn't want to, and trying to force him will just push him further away. Instead, find fun things for you two to do together (especially ones that don't involve alcohol). Make plans he can't say no to. Give him the space he needs to process whatever's in his head, but call him on it if he's not being present in the relationship, and tell him how that affects you. Realize that this is not your fault, and don't take it personally if he doesn't want to fix it. However, don't feel obligated to stick around forever if he takes no initiative to feel better.
posted by desjardins at 2:27 PM on January 2, 2009

Thanks to everyone for some really thoughtful advice and also for sharing some personal stories. I got a lot out of this.
posted by Jason and Laszlo at 4:51 PM on January 2, 2009