I lied at work. Help me get over it.
December 15, 2008 10:03 AM
I just told a petty lie to two people to save face just because I didn't have the moral courage to admit it. And, I feel like a hypocrite and terrible for not having enough integrity to admit it. It was something as simple as having misplaced something, looking for it and realizing that it was I who misplaced it in the first place. And unbelievable as it sounds, I do my best not to lie to anyone. How do I get over it? Have you lied like this before?
I somehow doubt that anyone but you was hurt by this fib, and the guilt you feel over it is probably more penance than you really deserve.
If it's really bugging you that much, just come clean. Explain that you felt bad about being responsible, and that you should have just been up front to begin with.
However, if you think that might damage your relationship with those two people, suck it up and just try to be more forthright in your future interactions.
posted by solipsophistocracy at 10:18 AM on December 15, 2008
If it's really bugging you that much, just come clean. Explain that you felt bad about being responsible, and that you should have just been up front to begin with.
However, if you think that might damage your relationship with those two people, suck it up and just try to be more forthright in your future interactions.
posted by solipsophistocracy at 10:18 AM on December 15, 2008
Nope. I have never lied before about such petty things. <>
Did other people call you on it or argue with you? If not, they probably didn't care that much. As nobody was hurt, why not just let it go as a lesson learned about yourself? Next time you're in the same situation you'll have a new opportunity to choose other behavior and all will feel right in your non-fibbing world again. Just a momentary detour.
posted by miss lynnster at 10:26 AM on December 15, 2008
Did other people call you on it or argue with you? If not, they probably didn't care that much. As nobody was hurt, why not just let it go as a lesson learned about yourself? Next time you're in the same situation you'll have a new opportunity to choose other behavior and all will feel right in your non-fibbing world again. Just a momentary detour.
posted by miss lynnster at 10:26 AM on December 15, 2008
Oh, darn, code screwed that up... my post was supposed to have an arrow but it screwed up the code. Here's what I wrote, basically.
"Nope. I have never lied before about such petty things. *arrow pointing left* See how easy it is?"
:)
posted by miss lynnster at 10:28 AM on December 15, 2008
"Nope. I have never lied before about such petty things. *arrow pointing left* See how easy it is?"
:)
posted by miss lynnster at 10:28 AM on December 15, 2008
Sounds harmless, as long as you don't make a habit of it.
There was a period in my life where I would alter details of events when there was no shame involved or need to save face. E.g.: Telling someone I had been reading a magazine when really I had been reading a book; telling someone I had toast for breakfast when really I had eggs. Sometimes I still catch myself doing this, for the fuck of it.
So, uh, the moral is don't let it snowball.
posted by softsantear at 10:30 AM on December 15, 2008
There was a period in my life where I would alter details of events when there was no shame involved or need to save face. E.g.: Telling someone I had been reading a magazine when really I had been reading a book; telling someone I had toast for breakfast when really I had eggs. Sometimes I still catch myself doing this, for the fuck of it.
So, uh, the moral is don't let it snowball.
posted by softsantear at 10:30 AM on December 15, 2008
In human relationships, kindness and lies are worth a thousand truths. Graham Greene
No one is completely honest and I am not even sure you lied so much as made a mistake, based on your description. Don't sweat it if no one else is bothered by it.
posted by TedW at 10:35 AM on December 15, 2008
No one is completely honest and I am not even sure you lied so much as made a mistake, based on your description. Don't sweat it if no one else is bothered by it.
posted by TedW at 10:35 AM on December 15, 2008
Did you say "I don't know how that thing got misplaced" or did you say "That idiot, Joe, misplaced that thing... what a moron"? If it's the former, no one will care--and people will find it very strange if you "confess" the lie. If it's the latter, or if in some other way you harmed the reputation of another person, then come clean.
It's admirable to be an honest person. It's a waste of your time to beat yourself up over a face-saving white lie. Everyone has a moment where they say "I don't know how that happened" because they're embarrassed.
posted by Meg_Murry at 10:40 AM on December 15, 2008
It's admirable to be an honest person. It's a waste of your time to beat yourself up over a face-saving white lie. Everyone has a moment where they say "I don't know how that happened" because they're embarrassed.
posted by Meg_Murry at 10:40 AM on December 15, 2008
Did you lie to avoid admitting that you were responsible for misplacing the item because of accusations you'd previously made against the two people? If so, take this as a lesson in hubris and try not to cast blame on others for things that might potentially be your fault. If you'd just said "Hey, I can't seem to find the [item], have you guys seen it anywhere?" it wouldn't be embarrassing to later cop to misplacing it yourself, or even to just put it back in its proper place without mentioning it again (since all you did was ask about its location without making anybody feel responsible for finding it for you.)
If you weren't throwing blame and are just embarrassed that you are susceptible to error, try to get over that. People who readily admit their mistakes are way better to work with than people who try to cover them up or rationalize them. Everybody screws up from time to time, and doing anything other than owning up to it just compounds the damage.
I don't think you need to go back and tell them you lied in this instance, but I do think you should try to figure out why you felt motivated to lie and modify your behavior to avoid that situation.
posted by contraption at 10:41 AM on December 15, 2008
If you weren't throwing blame and are just embarrassed that you are susceptible to error, try to get over that. People who readily admit their mistakes are way better to work with than people who try to cover them up or rationalize them. Everybody screws up from time to time, and doing anything other than owning up to it just compounds the damage.
I don't think you need to go back and tell them you lied in this instance, but I do think you should try to figure out why you felt motivated to lie and modify your behavior to avoid that situation.
posted by contraption at 10:41 AM on December 15, 2008
Move on, dont lie next time.
posted by BobbyDigital at 10:54 AM on December 15, 2008
posted by BobbyDigital at 10:54 AM on December 15, 2008
"I felt like such an idiot when I found _____ just where I'd left it, that I just didn't have the courage to tell you. Please forgive me?"
If there's a reason not to do that (and there may be a good one...depending on the situation and persons involved), then just chalk it up to a learning experience as contraption suggested.
I need resolution for things like that myself (it's me...not everyone...and not always called for) so I generally suck it up and come clean. But sometimes it can make the receiver of the apology uncomfortable and only benefits me.
posted by mumstheword at 10:55 AM on December 15, 2008
If there's a reason not to do that (and there may be a good one...depending on the situation and persons involved), then just chalk it up to a learning experience as contraption suggested.
I need resolution for things like that myself (it's me...not everyone...and not always called for) so I generally suck it up and come clean. But sometimes it can make the receiver of the apology uncomfortable and only benefits me.
posted by mumstheword at 10:55 AM on December 15, 2008
I had the same idea as contraption. I've learned some really interesting things about myself by looking at (even teeny tiny) instances where I've fibbed or wanted to. This took a little while -- I had to sit there and think, "why did I do that?" "because I felt X" "but WHY did I feel X" "because Z happened" "but why did Z make me feel that way" etc. until I got down to a fairly core truth about how I am in the world. So, maybe you realize "wow, I really think people will think I suck if I'm not perfect ALL the time in every little detail" or maybe you realize "I like to be in complete control of things, running everything serenely behind the scenes, and this broke that facade."
posted by salvia at 11:04 AM on December 15, 2008
posted by salvia at 11:04 AM on December 15, 2008
Just come clean. Like you, I try to speak with honesty at all times. If it's a habit for the little things, it makes it easy for the important things, I think.
But most people don't seem to be like that. Likely, whoever you told the lie to won't think anything of "petty white lies" and won't even bat an eye when you come clean.
And beware the treacherous meta-lie. Don't put yourself in a position where you'll feel like this afterwards because you weren't completely upfront when coming clean.
posted by losvedir at 11:05 AM on December 15, 2008
But most people don't seem to be like that. Likely, whoever you told the lie to won't think anything of "petty white lies" and won't even bat an eye when you come clean.
And beware the treacherous meta-lie. Don't put yourself in a position where you'll feel like this afterwards because you weren't completely upfront when coming clean.
posted by losvedir at 11:05 AM on December 15, 2008
Oh, and the reason to do what I just suggested is that the fib will no longer seem like a big deal at all once you've looked at, and accepted, the core thing about yourself that caused it to happen. Plus, you'll see that core thing operating in so many other ways in your life, that it'll be worth it as a learning experience.
posted by salvia at 11:06 AM on December 15, 2008
posted by salvia at 11:06 AM on December 15, 2008
It sounds like the truth and listening to your conscience really matters to you. Congratulations, you're one of a dying breed and you can be proud of yourself for that. You won't lose the guilt feelings by ignoring them, though. It might be hard, but go ahead and talk to them about it. And it doesn't have to be with tears. Make it light (see mumstheword's post) and you'll probably find they appreciate you for it and see you as human, and you'll feel better.
posted by davcoo at 11:18 AM on December 15, 2008
posted by davcoo at 11:18 AM on December 15, 2008
You have learned something unpleasant about yourself. Please try to take this as a GOOD thing.
This incident is possibly very painful to you because you are becoming vain about your integrity. Maybe it's time to examine why you want to have "integrity". Is it to help people and be a better member of society, or is it to feel superior over others, in some sense?
If it's the latter, you can take this incident as a blessing in disguise--a warning signal, showing you that you may need to change your attitude.
In any case, you have learned something about yourself. Learning isn't always enjoyable. Sometimes it's like a painful static shock, that will hopefully save you from a much more serious and deadly electric shock in the future.
*Just the other day I was mulling over something I did that was similar to what you wrote, and my better-half noted that the "mulling" really seemed self-indulgent. Upon reflection, I have to agree.
Take care.
posted by uxo at 11:28 AM on December 15, 2008
This incident is possibly very painful to you because you are becoming vain about your integrity. Maybe it's time to examine why you want to have "integrity". Is it to help people and be a better member of society, or is it to feel superior over others, in some sense?
If it's the latter, you can take this incident as a blessing in disguise--a warning signal, showing you that you may need to change your attitude.
In any case, you have learned something about yourself. Learning isn't always enjoyable. Sometimes it's like a painful static shock, that will hopefully save you from a much more serious and deadly electric shock in the future.
*Just the other day I was mulling over something I did that was similar to what you wrote, and my better-half noted that the "mulling" really seemed self-indulgent. Upon reflection, I have to agree.
Take care.
posted by uxo at 11:28 AM on December 15, 2008
No, no, no! I didn't blame anyone else. I merely asked them where the stupid thing was. And the reason I lied was because I am a student- the first and most convenient ones to be blamed for things going wrong in labs. The idea of being vain about integrity is funny. I used that word to emphasize what is the *right* thing to do in a situation. The question I guess was, its not like I strangled a sparrow- its a small mistake (and I did go over it in my head and figured what the real problem was as mentioned) but why do I feel so guilty when most people tell worse lies without even thinking about it??
posted by xm at 11:55 AM on December 15, 2008
posted by xm at 11:55 AM on December 15, 2008
why do I feel so guilty when most people tell worse lies without even thinking about it??
I was brought up in a household where lying was seeing as horribly, horribly evil. (Even white lies).
So I don't know about your case, but it was conditioned in me.
I didn't realize until later other people did not grow up in quite the same way.
posted by uxo at 12:04 PM on December 15, 2008
I was brought up in a household where lying was seeing as horribly, horribly evil. (Even white lies).
So I don't know about your case, but it was conditioned in me.
I didn't realize until later other people did not grow up in quite the same way.
posted by uxo at 12:04 PM on December 15, 2008
This question intrigued me because, like uxo, I was raised to believe that any lie, no matter how small or even accidental/impulsive, was a sin. Well, that’s not entirely true: my parents raised me to believe that lying is wrong, and in my childish mind that turned into a belief that anything not-quite-true was a lie, and therefore sinful. I’m generally overly honest and feel guilty if I mislead someone or leave a story incomplete. I was the kid who pointed out to the teacher when she missed a mistake on my test (and couldn’t understand why she was annoyed rather than appreciative). I find that I give out more information than people need, for fear of lying by omission. Not a terrible thing, but it’s more neurotic than honest.
I suspect you had a similar upbringing, whether it was religious or not. You internalized the positive message (be an honest person), but somewhere along the line you also adopted a mindset that any lapse in honesty, however fleeting and however harmless it might seem to other people, is a failure of character. It’s not. Failure of character is trying to sell a senate seat. Saying "have you seen [thing]?" when you already know you’ve lost it is just a little expression of embarrassment. You know eventually you’ll have to own up to losing whatever it was, but you’re not ready yet.
I don’t know how to stop feeling guilty about this sort of thing except to tell myself: it does not make me a better or more honest person to feel guilty about this; I can’t un-say it now, but next time I’ll make a different choice.
posted by Meg_Murry at 1:28 PM on December 15, 2008
I suspect you had a similar upbringing, whether it was religious or not. You internalized the positive message (be an honest person), but somewhere along the line you also adopted a mindset that any lapse in honesty, however fleeting and however harmless it might seem to other people, is a failure of character. It’s not. Failure of character is trying to sell a senate seat. Saying "have you seen [thing]?" when you already know you’ve lost it is just a little expression of embarrassment. You know eventually you’ll have to own up to losing whatever it was, but you’re not ready yet.
I don’t know how to stop feeling guilty about this sort of thing except to tell myself: it does not make me a better or more honest person to feel guilty about this; I can’t un-say it now, but next time I’ll make a different choice.
posted by Meg_Murry at 1:28 PM on December 15, 2008
Thanks all for the helpful answers. I can really relate to answers by uxo and Meg_Murry. It wasn't really conditioned in me but I guess my brain is just hardwired that way :) I just let it go!
posted by xm at 5:26 PM on December 15, 2008
posted by xm at 5:26 PM on December 15, 2008
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posted by smitt at 10:11 AM on December 15, 2008