I need to gracefully let someone I've spoken with on the phone, and who I'm developing feelings for, know that I'm kind of fat before we meet in person. How can I do this? Please AskMe help me work out what to say and how to say it.
posted by anonymous to human relations (41 answers total) 22 users marked this as a favorite
I'm a girl, he's a guy. A mutual friend introduced us and we've been chatting on the phone. I definitely did not expect to develop feelings for him other than friendship. As far as I know, neither did he. So when we started talking appearance wasn't really an issue. But we unexpectedly hit it off and gradually, over a couple of weeks, feelings have developed.
It's only gradually dawned on me that he likes me as more than a friend. Long conversations and texts have escalated into jokes about what are you wearing and, uh, jokes about phone sex and how much he likes my voice and wants to meet me. In fact, he's said about four times now that he really wants to meet me. Now it's hit me, hard, that I do like him a lot 'like that' and would like to meet him too.
Despite the strong indications that he also likes me a lot, it's still at that awkward stage where everything has been implied and nothing has been said outright. Complicating things even further, we can't meet face to face for at least another three months. We live about 1800 miles apart and for a variety of reasons neither of us can travel for a while.
I know being overweight can be a deal breaker and I need to let him know that I'm, well, fat, before spending weeks talking with him on the phone, both of us getting attached and then him being (possibly) horrified when he meets me.
He's seen pics of me (Facebook) so he knows what my face looks like. You can tell I'm not, you know, Jessica Alba. You can't tell that I'm quite fat. I'm 5'3 and 163 pounds. None of it is muscle. Quite a bit of it is boobs. And bum. And belly and thighs. I don't need to be levered out of the house by crane and I shop in the normal sizes part of the store, but I am definitely hefty.
I just… can't think of a way to bring this up that's not hideous awkward. Everything I think of to say is just so cringe-y. And makes me sound like I'm really insecure about how I look. (Which, I kind of am, truthfully.) And now that I've realised I LIKE him, I feel very awkward too, which isn't helping.
So, the way I see it, possible solutions are:
Somehow I convey to him that I am Not Thin. At all. I just can't imagine how I'd begin to phrase this gracefully, or how to create an opening where it'll seem natural. Him:'How bout that weather, huh?' Me:'So! You seem great. And I'd really like to meet you too! It's so lovely that you think I have a sexy voice. But, just so's you know, In person, I'm kind of ordinary and short and round – quite round – and uh… yeah.' Him:'Uh…'. Even if I do manage to phrase it better than that, if he has some hidden horror of big girls, well. Awkward. Silence.
Less than ideal
Ask the mutual friend who introduced us to let him know, gently, that I am kind of fat. I'm thinking something like: Friend:'So you and Miss Anonymous have really hit it off, huh?' Him:'Uh huh'. Friend:'She's lovely. She's really curvy.'Him:'How curvy?' Friend:'Curvy. And short. She's not obese. But pretty… curvy.' But they're my curves, surely I should be able to tell someone about them myself? And I cringe at the idea of phoning up my friend and basically asking 'Uh, can you u tell Anonymous Boy I'm fat plz?' Ugh.
Really not a good idea
Say nothing. Risk possible horror/disappointment when we meet in person.
'If only' solution
Undertake a radical change in eating and exercise, meet in three months, a radiant new me. He is smitten. Downside: I suppose it is possible that I could get down to 140lb in 12 weeks. But it's not likely.
AskMe, what should I say to him? If anyone's wondering, I'm asking anonymously because, although I've been quite flippant here, it hurts terribly for people not to want to be your friend or kiss you because you're fat and the rejection and shame is too hurty for me to put my username to the question. The obligatory throwaway email address is email@example.com.