Take it to the grave?
September 30, 2008 8:43 PM Subscribe
I did something when I was a child that I am still very deeply ashamed and guilty about. Recently it has begun to affect my mood. Is this something I should continue to keep to myself? *NSFW*
This is hard to even type. However, I need some perspective on this.
First of all, I am currently a 20 year old male, junior in college.
When I was young, I figured it out and I had to have been somewhere between 7 and 9, perhaps even 10, I did some things that to this day I deeply regret.
I must have been very sexually curious, but at the time I still did not know what sex was, or, I think, that I could achieve an orgasm period. I have two younger adopted sisters, I wouldn't mention the "adopted" part but I think, disgusting as it seems now, this could factor into the story. A few times, after, for some reason, becoming very aroused while trying to fall asleep, I went into the room they shared to curiously examine their feminine bodies. They were completely asleep the whole time. I remember gently pulling back the underpants of the younger one (she is 6 years my junior) to look at her behind. Once, I remember looking at the vagina very briefly. All the times I did this I usually VERY briefly touched. I always ended up getting weirded out by what I was doing, and I would become especially uncomfortable with what I had done once my arousal died down. Regardless, it happened at least twice (maybe three, I can't recall) whenever I became aroused.
In addition, around the same time, but maybe a little after I believe, we often had to wait in a small room with a tv and some legos for a few hours at my mom's office while she worked. I don't recall how it came about, but I remember twice me asking them to play a game in which I basically bounced them around on my lap (we were fully clothed of course), something I discovered, obviously, felt nice. It was always a game, they thought of it as a fun ride, and I definitely did not force or manipulate them into it. I remember very clearly that I didn't want them to know my ulterior motive for the game, I'm sure partly because I knew it would get me in trouble, but more so because I had this intense feeling that it was just wrong and inappropriate. I don't know if we were playing it for the hell of it and I realized the sensations, or if I thought of it after getting the inherent desire to rub myself on something. Regardless, I quickly became weirded out by what I was doing, and they quickly lost interest and decided legos were more entertaining.
I hope to god they had no idea why I wanted to play that game. I really do. It would absolutely destroy me if they knew and it somehow affected them.
Both of these incidences happened only a couple times times before I decided it was behavior I found much too weird, and completely stopped. There have been no similar instances since them.
Needless to say, these memories disgust me. Absolutely. Just writing them I feel completely ashamed at my behavior as a child. I don't know what the hell I was thinking. I am a completely normal guy. I have never had the desire to do anything inappropriate to them. I have never seen them sexually. They are my sisters, and that's just weird. I just found out recently that the older one is sexually active and even that thought made me a little uncomfortable, as I think it would any brother. We have a normal, healthy, loving relationship. I hug and wrestle with them in a normal brotherly way. There is no creepy icky sexual tension in this. That just doesn't cross my mind. I also have never disrespected or harassed a girl sexually in any other circumstance. And, while I’m at it, I’ll mention that I’ve never had even the slightest sexual feelings towards a child. I have a girlfriend currently whom I absolutely love and we have a great sex life. Everything is good. I consider myself a great guy and, additionally, a great brother. I think my sisters and those who know me would agree for the most part as well. I'm not some weirdo pervert.
I have always kept these memories buried. A weird and uncomfortable incidence from my childhood, but nothing more. I was never sure why I thought it was a good idea at the time, just as I don’t understand exactly how I could watch Power Rangers for three hours straight.
However, the other day I had a hang out day with my sister (after me moving out we don't see eachother as often) and I remembered what I had done while a child and I became very fearful that it had somehow affected her. Or how weird it would make her feel if she knew. I love my sisters and the thought of that makes me feel horrible.
Needless to say, it stuck in my mind, and I have been negatively ruminating over it. I have become depressed. Lots of guilt and shame. Just because I want to make this question complete, I will elaborate, and say the thoughts go something like:
1) What if they knew what the whole lap game was about? What if it negatively affected them?
2) Childhood sibling sexuality is common, but yours was weird. This makes you a weird person. You are different and weird in a bad way.
3) If anybody found out, especially your girlfriend, they would, even just a small amount, think you are some pedophiliac incestual creep. They would judge your current self based on it.
I’m aware that these are horribly distorted in many ways. I have read “Feeling Good” and I am trying to use the techniques to get myself out of this funk. I’m not one to have too many deep “issues” until now, although I have had my share of anxiety and one bout of moderately severe depression in the past following a messy breakup. I’ve also set up an appointment with my university’s counseling center, but that isn’t for another two weeks.
However, in the mean time, this brings me to my question. I have absolutely no one else to talk to. I feel alone and trapped and I don’t know exactly how to go about this, so I turned to MeFi. I have the intense desire to get this off my chest and tell my girlfriend. The thought of it, and of her being positively receptive to it, is immensely relieving.
I feel like it’s some BIG SECRET. I just want to get it off my chest. The fact that I feel I have to keep it a secret feels like it reinforces the idea that is something WEIRD AND ABNORMAL that MUST make me undesirable. This is bull, I’m a normal guy, and I have this desire to prove myself wrong and tell my girlfriend and laugh at myself when she continues to love me just as she has been. I’m also very open, and I’m especially very open with my girlfriend, so I have this desire for her to know this. I want her to know me and love me. Isn’t that what we all want? I just hate the feeling of having some dirty secret. The feeling that I have something hidden that would damn me. On top of that, she is going to notice me acting weird until I snap out of this, she can read me and she WILL ask what is up. I really really hate lying. I’m horrible at it to boot.
But then there is the opposing voice. The one that tells me that it would be a horrible idea to tell her. The one that says she would be creeped out by it (she actually has mentioned that children being sexual is something she finds a little disconcerting) The one that says “some things you just need to keep to yourself.” The one that is deathly afraid of letting anyone know about this, because it’s just not right. The one that is afraid of losing a girl that means a great deal to me. She is completely infatuated with me. We have a great relationship. I don’t want to ruin this because all of a sudden I turned into a moron about something I hadn’t thought about for years.
Soo….
Is this just one of those things I should take to my grave?
I am only asking because I know that in the midst of depression and jumbled thoughts, decisions like this are hard to look at objectively.
Really try to put yourself in the situation, what if your significant other told you these things?
And what about in the long run? I’m only 19 and aware that the girl I’m with now might not be with me forever. Do I tell the girl I marry?
I have set up an email account: mefianonthrowaway@yahoo.com
Sorry for the length, thank you immensely for reading.
This is hard to even type. However, I need some perspective on this.
First of all, I am currently a 20 year old male, junior in college.
When I was young, I figured it out and I had to have been somewhere between 7 and 9, perhaps even 10, I did some things that to this day I deeply regret.
I must have been very sexually curious, but at the time I still did not know what sex was, or, I think, that I could achieve an orgasm period. I have two younger adopted sisters, I wouldn't mention the "adopted" part but I think, disgusting as it seems now, this could factor into the story. A few times, after, for some reason, becoming very aroused while trying to fall asleep, I went into the room they shared to curiously examine their feminine bodies. They were completely asleep the whole time. I remember gently pulling back the underpants of the younger one (she is 6 years my junior) to look at her behind. Once, I remember looking at the vagina very briefly. All the times I did this I usually VERY briefly touched. I always ended up getting weirded out by what I was doing, and I would become especially uncomfortable with what I had done once my arousal died down. Regardless, it happened at least twice (maybe three, I can't recall) whenever I became aroused.
In addition, around the same time, but maybe a little after I believe, we often had to wait in a small room with a tv and some legos for a few hours at my mom's office while she worked. I don't recall how it came about, but I remember twice me asking them to play a game in which I basically bounced them around on my lap (we were fully clothed of course), something I discovered, obviously, felt nice. It was always a game, they thought of it as a fun ride, and I definitely did not force or manipulate them into it. I remember very clearly that I didn't want them to know my ulterior motive for the game, I'm sure partly because I knew it would get me in trouble, but more so because I had this intense feeling that it was just wrong and inappropriate. I don't know if we were playing it for the hell of it and I realized the sensations, or if I thought of it after getting the inherent desire to rub myself on something. Regardless, I quickly became weirded out by what I was doing, and they quickly lost interest and decided legos were more entertaining.
I hope to god they had no idea why I wanted to play that game. I really do. It would absolutely destroy me if they knew and it somehow affected them.
Both of these incidences happened only a couple times times before I decided it was behavior I found much too weird, and completely stopped. There have been no similar instances since them.
Needless to say, these memories disgust me. Absolutely. Just writing them I feel completely ashamed at my behavior as a child. I don't know what the hell I was thinking. I am a completely normal guy. I have never had the desire to do anything inappropriate to them. I have never seen them sexually. They are my sisters, and that's just weird. I just found out recently that the older one is sexually active and even that thought made me a little uncomfortable, as I think it would any brother. We have a normal, healthy, loving relationship. I hug and wrestle with them in a normal brotherly way. There is no creepy icky sexual tension in this. That just doesn't cross my mind. I also have never disrespected or harassed a girl sexually in any other circumstance. And, while I’m at it, I’ll mention that I’ve never had even the slightest sexual feelings towards a child. I have a girlfriend currently whom I absolutely love and we have a great sex life. Everything is good. I consider myself a great guy and, additionally, a great brother. I think my sisters and those who know me would agree for the most part as well. I'm not some weirdo pervert.
I have always kept these memories buried. A weird and uncomfortable incidence from my childhood, but nothing more. I was never sure why I thought it was a good idea at the time, just as I don’t understand exactly how I could watch Power Rangers for three hours straight.
However, the other day I had a hang out day with my sister (after me moving out we don't see eachother as often) and I remembered what I had done while a child and I became very fearful that it had somehow affected her. Or how weird it would make her feel if she knew. I love my sisters and the thought of that makes me feel horrible.
Needless to say, it stuck in my mind, and I have been negatively ruminating over it. I have become depressed. Lots of guilt and shame. Just because I want to make this question complete, I will elaborate, and say the thoughts go something like:
1) What if they knew what the whole lap game was about? What if it negatively affected them?
2) Childhood sibling sexuality is common, but yours was weird. This makes you a weird person. You are different and weird in a bad way.
3) If anybody found out, especially your girlfriend, they would, even just a small amount, think you are some pedophiliac incestual creep. They would judge your current self based on it.
I’m aware that these are horribly distorted in many ways. I have read “Feeling Good” and I am trying to use the techniques to get myself out of this funk. I’m not one to have too many deep “issues” until now, although I have had my share of anxiety and one bout of moderately severe depression in the past following a messy breakup. I’ve also set up an appointment with my university’s counseling center, but that isn’t for another two weeks.
However, in the mean time, this brings me to my question. I have absolutely no one else to talk to. I feel alone and trapped and I don’t know exactly how to go about this, so I turned to MeFi. I have the intense desire to get this off my chest and tell my girlfriend. The thought of it, and of her being positively receptive to it, is immensely relieving.
I feel like it’s some BIG SECRET. I just want to get it off my chest. The fact that I feel I have to keep it a secret feels like it reinforces the idea that is something WEIRD AND ABNORMAL that MUST make me undesirable. This is bull, I’m a normal guy, and I have this desire to prove myself wrong and tell my girlfriend and laugh at myself when she continues to love me just as she has been. I’m also very open, and I’m especially very open with my girlfriend, so I have this desire for her to know this. I want her to know me and love me. Isn’t that what we all want? I just hate the feeling of having some dirty secret. The feeling that I have something hidden that would damn me. On top of that, she is going to notice me acting weird until I snap out of this, she can read me and she WILL ask what is up. I really really hate lying. I’m horrible at it to boot.
But then there is the opposing voice. The one that tells me that it would be a horrible idea to tell her. The one that says she would be creeped out by it (she actually has mentioned that children being sexual is something she finds a little disconcerting) The one that says “some things you just need to keep to yourself.” The one that is deathly afraid of letting anyone know about this, because it’s just not right. The one that is afraid of losing a girl that means a great deal to me. She is completely infatuated with me. We have a great relationship. I don’t want to ruin this because all of a sudden I turned into a moron about something I hadn’t thought about for years.
Soo….
Is this just one of those things I should take to my grave?
I am only asking because I know that in the midst of depression and jumbled thoughts, decisions like this are hard to look at objectively.
Really try to put yourself in the situation, what if your significant other told you these things?
And what about in the long run? I’m only 19 and aware that the girl I’m with now might not be with me forever. Do I tell the girl I marry?
I have set up an email account: mefianonthrowaway@yahoo.com
Sorry for the length, thank you immensely for reading.
This post was deleted for the following reason: -- jessamyn
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