How to help a young couple come to terms with a miscarriage?

March 11, 2007 1:14 PM

How do I help a young couple who have recently (within the past 10 days) suffered the trauma of a miscarriage? Baby was due in just over a month.

I know the couple through work, him slightly better than her. I see neither of them on a regular basis, and very rarely contact either of them. But I can't begin to imagine the level of devastation that something like this brings to someone, and I'd like to do something to help. That's assuming that there is something...

Some possibly pertinent information - she has a history of eating disorders, and is blatantly not as happy as she claims to be (this is based on the 5 years I've known her). She will always put on a happy, smiling, brave face. She also never asks for help, and tends to refute it when it's offered. He is quite a bit younger (11 years) than her, and has mentioned in the past that the relationship (just under 2 years) isn't as rosy as she makes out. Neither of them are particularly good at displays of emotion, other than to each other. I'm not sure if any of this is relevant, but I figured I'd mention it in case.

I've never been in this situation, nor will I ever be, so I can't empathise to any great degree. And I certainly don't want to come over as pitying either of them. But if there is anything I can do, I'd like to do it. I just don't know what it is. I don't think a nice card and a bunch of flowers is really going to help matters, somehow.

So what *can* I do?

posted by Solomon to Human Relations (22 answers total)

You're not very close with this couple, so I don't think anything beyond the usual sympathy measures (card, flowers) would be appropriate.
posted by ThePinkSuperhero at 1:36 PM on March 11, 2007 [1 favorite]

None of this relationship stuff between them matters. Treat this like you would treat any death in the family. With only one month left that baby was very real. You can send a card to say you care about them, you can bring over a pre-cooked meal, and you can tell them you're there for them if they need anything. (although it sounds like your relationship with them is not really close enough for anything more than a card.) But mostly after you make the initial gesture, you need follow their lead. They may decide they need to shut out the world for a while and if you get such a hint, give them their space.
posted by PercussivePaul at 1:39 PM on March 11, 2007

With the kind of grief they are going through, unless you have some firsthand experience with this kind of situation, there's not much you can do. Since you "very rarely contact either of them" a card expressing your sympathies is all that really fits the bill here.
posted by meerkatty at 1:43 PM on March 11, 2007

Best answer: I miscarried, but in the first trimester. Not the same, I imagine. Yikes.

Don't offer any you-can-try-again, not-meant-to-be, you're-young platitudes. Those are all always bad; these aren't replaceable objects.

Do: "I am here."

Food and beverage gifts are nice. And if yours is the sort of job where you could pick up a little extra to let him leave early or not show up at all, that'd be good.
posted by kmennie at 1:46 PM on March 11, 2007 [3 favorites]

Seriously, don't underestimate the value of a card. Just knowing that someone is thinking of you makes a big difference.
posted by selfmedicating at 2:01 PM on March 11, 2007

Best answer: I've talked for a bit with a friend of mine who had a miscarriage and we discovered something very interesting: having a miscarriage and having a child with special needs produce feelings and situations that are startlingly similar. Society on the whole, although not all people, are fairly well programmed to be accepting and welcoming to babies and children. It's how we continue on. When you have an experience that is not within those confines, most people just do not know what to do and are more likely to say nothing at or something completely awful or awkward.

So what should you say/do. Give hugs. Say, "I'm here if you need me." or "what do you need?" or "I don't know what I can do for you, but I would do anything I could to help." And above all, be honest.

And although I initially played this card here, don't go the route of "I know someone who had a ... and everything turned out fine." I can't tell you how quickly I sick of that and how I realized that this was well-intentioned, but distanced sympathy at best. Honesty, my friend, honesty and sincerity are what are best. I'd rather hear a very honest, "I wish I knew what to say to help/make things better." as that is an opening for dialog, not a platitude.
posted by plinth at 2:02 PM on March 11, 2007 [1 favorite]

cassarole...hugs...love...friendship...offer hope.
posted by parmanparman at 2:02 PM on March 11, 2007

Best answer: This isn't really a miscarriage. Fetal death in the last trimester is normally termed a stillbirth. Its possible that she went through normal labor and delivery, only the baby she delivered was dead rather than alive. Stillbirth can be far, far more devastating than miscarriage for this reason alone.

For a start, I would find out if they are having a funeral or memorial service for the baby, and if so I would attend. I would also find out the name of the baby (if they named it; most families do), and make it a point to use the baby's name.

Lets put it this way: If their child had been born live but four weeks premature and then died after a day or two in the hospital, what steps would you take? Treat this as the death of a newborn, however you think is appropriate for your level of friendship with these people.
posted by anastasiav at 2:03 PM on March 11, 2007 [6 favorites]

cards, flowers sent to the home (not given to your friend at the office) if you feel comfortable.

it sounds like you know them better than you claim to--i wouldn't know all those details about eating disorders and the state of their marriage unless i was a pretty close acquaintance, at the very least. if he's felt comfortable telling/hinting at these things, then you're close enough to send flowers.

for what it's worth, instead of flowers, i often enclose a packet of seeds in the card. i always think it must be so hard to throw away all those flowers a week after suffering a tragedy--nicer to have the promise of something.
posted by thinkingwoman at 2:56 PM on March 11, 2007

I don't know where you're located, but this site has a state-by-state list of stillbirth bereavement resources. More grief organizations include:

The Hygeia Foundation

The Compassionate Friends

The MISS Foundation

Also, October 15th is Pregnancy and Infant Loss Rememberance Day.

There are more grief & support organizations listed in this article on stillbirth.
posted by mogget at 3:49 PM on March 11, 2007

Best answer: As I was giving birth to a marvelously healthy baby boy -- a woman literally across the hall from me was undergoing labor for a child that had died in the womb. She and her family as well as the entire floor nurse staff were devastated. The agony was apparent to all who were in hearing range.

There's the birth itself -- and then she will have the physically healing that would have occurred with a live birth as well as the emotional agnst of loosing a child.

That being said, most everyone previously has had wise comments. Be available. Pick up slack at work. Organize casseroles, etc. from coworkers so the couple doesn't even have to think -- they just know that a warm dinner will be there every night.

The couple needs time, space, compassion and grace. do you part to ensure that they get it.
posted by peace_love_hope at 3:52 PM on March 11, 2007

anastasiav's advice is great, but not all couples want to deal with a stillbirth in this way. Tread carefully, because for some people, moving on involves specifically not treating this as the death of a baby. Some couples deliberately avoid picking a name, or arranging a memorial, and you need to be sensitive to that too.
posted by roofus at 3:52 PM on March 11, 2007 [1 favorite]

I went through a miscarriage last fall and trust me, beyond sending a card and asking if there is anything you can do, there isn't much you can do. If you aren't very close to them, anything more than just offering your condolences would be out of place. And please, please, no "you're young, you can try again," "maybe it's for the best" or "some things aren't meant to be." Although those may seem like obvious no-nos, they are all responses I got, and they all nearly provoked violence.
posted by arcticwoman at 4:25 PM on March 11, 2007 [1 favorite]

This is like any death in the family. Very sad. Just be supportive in the same ways. Of course, there are no easy answers there. In some ways it is harder for them because they typically do not get all the support of the wake, funeral etc.
posted by caddis at 5:06 PM on March 11, 2007

There are a lot of blogs out there by women who have had stillbirths and miscarriages-check them out and you will see what NOT to say.
posted by konolia at 5:19 PM on March 11, 2007

Best answer: In a month or so, check in with them and keep doing so. They'll get a lot of initial support, but later, people will move on, and they'll still be in pain. Just being willing to listen now, and 6 months from now, will help a lot. If they named the baby, it's okay to say "I bet this makes you miss Pat" when another friend has a new baby. They'll be feeling it, and will likely be grateful that you remembered.
posted by theora55 at 6:42 PM on March 11, 2007

After going through this last September, we appreciated our friends just distracting us.

I know it sounds silly, but I felt 300% better when my brother showed up with some friends at my door (3 days after my baby died and nearly took my wife with her) and said: "Dude, we're taking you to dinner and a movie."

My wife had arranged it for me, as she was having some friends over that night as well. We went out, had some burgers, saw some movie I've quickly forgotten, and then I came home and the first thing I noticed was that both my wife and I were smiling.

Sure, it didn't last long, but it softened things.

My kids are made of much tougher stock than us, and they only really had trouble with it when we had trouble with it. When we got happier, so did they.
posted by thanotopsis at 7:17 PM on March 11, 2007

I went through a miscarriage this summer and I really *was* fine for a while. Not allowing myself to feel anything else about it was definitely a coping mechanism for me. I'm sure if friends had sent cards, I would have appreciated it, but I was really detached from the experience.

Until three months later when the reality of what happened hit me and I found myself in my kitchen, where I dropped to my knees and started sobbing because I was so devastated.

Tread lightly, but most importantly, be there as a source of support for your friends. Grief is a complicated thing and everyone deals with it differently. They may get through the short term alright, only to find that in a few months that it's just too much to bear and by then, most friends will be thinking of the miscarriage as old news.

All you can do is be supportive as a friend. Other than offering your help, there's nothing else that's within your power to do in this kind of situation.
posted by grapefruitmoon at 9:43 PM on March 11, 2007

Solomon, I'm glad you asked this...a very good friend and co-worker had a very similar experience about six weeks ago, and it's absolutely devastating. I can't imagine a more traumatic experience.

Knowing that she raises tulips, I sent her a boquet of tulips with my condolences, and in the few times we've spoken since the tragedy, she always mentions how beautiful the flowers were and how much she appreciates them. And I know from personal experience how cards and flowers do help very much...knowing that the people in your life care is very important and meaningful to those that are grieving.

I've offered to help out my friend with whatever I can, but luckily for her, she has a very strong support system of family and friends to take care of her. If your friend doesn't have the same, you might want to organize some mutual friends to help with some simple things, like bringing over food, help with pets, etc. But don't discount flowers and a nice card (with personal sentiments - hallmark doesn't help much here), they will be very much appreciated.
posted by malocchio at 8:25 AM on March 12, 2007

I just didn't want to talk about it with people I didn't know very well. But that's just me.

I can't imagine a more traumatic experience.

Sure you can. I'd rather go through ten stillbirths than to even think about something bad happening to one my kids that lived long enough to bond with.
posted by and hosted from Uranus at 10:45 AM on March 13, 2007

I miscarried last week. Earlier in the term, but it hit me hard.

I'm also a person who tends to refuse help with "I'm fine, I'll get through this." But one neighbor who had been through a miscarriages and a stillbirth called me at 6 pm the other night to say, "I just made some chicken parmesan, and I'd love to share with you guys -- can I bring some over?" Another friend said, "I'd like to bring dinner for you on Friday, is that okay?" (She made a spicy dinner for me and my husband and a kid-friendly one for my toddler, including sliced grapes and some cheerios for a snack. Bless her.)

This somehow allowed me to feel better about accepting help -- maybe because these were definite offerings rather than a vague-but-well-meant question of "do you need anything." This doesn't mean that you need to do anything more than send a card, but it may be a way to offer help. (But if your offer of a meal or other help is refused, be okay with it).

And about what to say: The ONLY thing you can say that rings true is "I am so, so sorry." That, coupled with "I'm thinking of you both during this time," is sincere, brief, sympathetic, and (I hope) real. Almost every other sentiment -- ESPECIALLY the ones you think are positive or hopeful -- tastes like ashes in my mouth.

For future reference when dealing with earlier miscarriages: remember that pregnancy means a million different things to a million women, and the loss of a baby at any stage can be hard, hard, hard. Physical and mental recuperation take time, and the rapid hormonal changes after miscarriage can be a rough ride. So if it's been a few weeks or so, go ahead and send a card and/or offer a casserole. It may be just the right thing at the right time.
posted by mdiskin at 1:11 PM on March 13, 2007 [1 favorite]

Response by poster: I spoke to the father tonight, and it turns out that the baby was delivered, then died 3 minutes later, of asphyxia. He sounded really really cut up over it.

My deep thanks goes out to everyone who has responded. It's really been helpful, even though I feel like I just kept repeating "I'm so sorry" and "Is there anything I can do?". Your advice has been taken to heart, and I'm going to speak to my other work colleagues to see if there's anything we can do at work to help them out.

Thanks again.
posted by Solomon at 3:20 PM on March 13, 2007