What can I say to a newly pregnant woman?

October 8, 2007 7:15 AM

A while ago, one of my work colleagues had a miscarriage. Now, she's pregnant again. Woohoo!

We're all really happy for her at work, and we've all passed on our congratulations. But, I'd also like to send her some flowers, and say something nice on the card. I don't want to say "good luck" because I don't want to remind her of her previous experience, and it also sounds like something you say to someone before their driving test. I want to let her know that I hope it all goes well for her, without upsetting her, or coming over as insincere.

What can I say that's going to be appropriate?

posted by Solomon to human relations (9 answers total)

Why not just a simple "Congratulations"? There is no need to reference the past miscarriage, only to celebrate this new pregnancy as it's own event.
posted by genefinder at 7:17 AM on October 8, 2007

It doesn't sound (from your last question) like you're particularly close to the couple, so the most sensitive and compassionate thing to do would be to wish them all kinds of happiness and love and to leave it at that. Otherwise it will sound like you're obsessing over their past "failure," which is not very nice.

"I'm so happy for you both, and I'm wishing you lots of extra happiness and love" would be exactly what I'd write on a card.
posted by occhiblu at 7:33 AM on October 8, 2007

Just wish them congratulations. No need to reference the miscarriage.

They'll have plenty of people grappling with the same dilemma, some of whom will make the error of being too nervous to remember to wish the couple well. They'll just be happy that their co-workers are not those people.
posted by desuetude at 7:55 AM on October 8, 2007

If they're anything like me and my husband, the previous loss is already very much at the front of their minds (especially given what happened in their situation). I'm 20 weeks pregnant now after a couple of losses and I spent a lot of time just waiting for something to go wrong. It took me a long time to feel like I could shop for baby stuff without somehow jinxing myself. What helped were the people who helped me get excited about it. If you want to give them something special, make it baby-related (little shoes, a onesie, etc.). Flowers can be a real downer unless they're one of those cheesy teddy bear arrangements.
posted by wallaby at 8:45 AM on October 8, 2007 [1 favorite]

It's nice of you to be concerned. However, when I got pregnant after a miscarriage, I didn't want my family discussing/alluding to the miscarriage, much less random people from work. Just be excited about the pregnancy. Although I think saying "congratulations and good wishes" or something like that would be fine (i.e., whatever you would say to someone else who got pregnant).
posted by leahwrenn at 9:51 AM on October 8, 2007

As to flowers---it seems a little strange to me, although flowers are always nice. Depending on how far along she is, maybe a baby book (that is, for the baby) or something like that? (although I was pretty superstitious for a long time, so if it's still reasonably early you might hold off...)
posted by leahwrenn at 9:53 AM on October 8, 2007

I find it odd, that in both this and your previous question about this couple you refer to what happened as a "miscarriage", when in fact you already found out that the last baby died shortly after delivery at about 8 months gestation. It puts a different complexion on the question.
posted by roofus at 10:36 AM on October 8, 2007

I find it odd, that in both this and your previous question about this couple you refer to what happened as a "miscarriage", when in fact you already found out that the last baby died shortly after delivery at about 8 months gestation. It puts a different complexion on the question.

How so? If she'd lost recently lost an infant or a toddler or an older child, I think everyone would say the same thing -- just give heartfelt congratulations on the baby.

I assumed that "miscarriage" is how it was described to Solomon, but whether the pregnant co-worker regards the loss of her previous baby as stillbirth or miscarriage is an issue that is likely too personal to elaborate upon with her co-workers in general.
posted by desuetude at 11:25 AM on October 8, 2007

Wait, do you know these people or not? It's confusing based on the information you provided in these questions. You say you don't know them, but have personal information. If these people are not folks you see socially, I would suggest you back away slowly. This is (I know from experience) very very personal. All that is required is congratulations along with the rest of the rank and file in your office.

Unless you know them and interact with them frequently in and out of the office just being a part of the group statement of joy is all that is well, seemly.
posted by pywacket at 8:54 PM on October 8, 2007