Feeling Bad Handbook, Advanced Edition

February 25, 2023 9:57 AM

I'm going into a situation where there's a 99 percent chance that I'm going to feel really bad about myself and the universe for an indeterminate period of time. How do I deal with this? How do I make that period of time shorter?

If you've read my previous questions, you've seen that I was upset about losing my old job and the prospect of getting a new one--well, I've gotten a job offer and it looks like I'm taking it up. I'm not terribly interested in the job itself, but it means I'll have income. It does mean I'll have to move back to my old area--I'm sad because I was getting to know my new neighborhood and city, had made a few friends and acquaintances, and was finally getting my old friends to come visit me so we could go out and explore together. But yeah, probably have to leave.

The problem is that while it seems like everything has ended up pretty well compared to where it could have been, I still emotionally feel like shit. A few weeks ago I had the energy to cook, clean, volunteer, exercise, go out and meet people, and so on. All those things were fun or at least tolerable (cleaning the bathtub is never fun) because they felt like an investment in some sort of nebulous future that I was building on. Now all I want to do is smoke, drink, scroll whatever stupid Internet site, and sleep. It's a pain in the ass because every chore now feels like climbing Mount Everest and I have all the moving shit to do on top of this--finding a new place (which I'm not particularly excited about, they're all super-expensive and/or in ultra-suburbs where it's a five-mile walk to get to a source of food), packing, finding movers, finding a subletter so I'm not out thousands of dollars in broken lease, etc. Plus there's this voice running through my head that keeps saying that I was dumb to ever expect things to be different for me, that I'm lazy, a coward, wasted my life, am about to waste the rest of my life, that I didn't take enough advantage of where I was because I'm a stupid lazy shut-in bitch who doesn't do anything anyway so why does it matter where I live, and so on. That's mostly mental illness talking, I guess, but knowing that doesn't make the voice go away. It's like a bully suddenly reappeared in my life after I thought they had left town. Nope, they were always there and they're going to be slamming me into that mental locker for another round.

I've had this kind of really awful depression and self-hatred happen before when I moved back to said area under similar circumstances after time away, so I think I know what's happening here. How do I just accept that I'm going to feel like shit? Is there a way to make the period of time shorter? I've tried antidepressants but while they're good at blunting emotion, they're not great at making me feel actual positivity. I have done therapy and while some of what I've learned has been helpful, the techniques I've been taught just feel like another chore right now.

I accept that this is possibly one of the most 1st-world problems to have out of all the 1st-world problems possible and that I'm fortunate to not have actual problems like a lack of food, shelter, and cash, but the emotions I have about this are still really strong for whatever reason. If somebody else went through something similar and has some advice, it might help.

posted by kingdead to Human Relations (8 answers total)

I'm sorry you're feeling this way, you are describing what sounds like situational depression, and it might help you to call it that, situational. It will come to an end, and the classic depression suggestions of go for a walk, give yourself permission to eat cheese and apples instead of 4 course meals, and find a podcast to listen to while you get all this shitty packing done.

Congrats on the new job, and as for returning to an old town, covid changed everywhere so try to frame it as a fresh start.
posted by Narrow Harbor at 10:24 AM on February 25, 2023 [4 favorites]

Just today I saw a tweet thread from Amanda Knox about accepting her imprisonment and how she moved forward. Despite how I just pitched it, it’s a great series of thoughts not on how to make the best of a bad situation, but how to accept a bad situation and move forward anyway.

One thing I strongly suggest: stop with the whole first world problems thing. It helps no one when you say that having food and shelter should be enough to make you happy. You can be fed and housed and still be having a tough time.
posted by bluedaisy at 11:33 AM on February 25, 2023 [17 favorites]

I've tried antidepressants but while they're good at blunting emotion, they're not great at making me feel actual positivity.

I mean, that sounds way better than 24/7 feeling like shit, but there are 47,000 different antidepressants out there and honestly, you sound really depressed and I would give that another shot or two. The time invested to get it right is, on balance, going to be much shorter than the time it sounds like it will take to wait out what you are describing.
posted by DarlingBri at 11:37 AM on February 25, 2023 [3 favorites]

It seems to me that going into this thinking it’s going to make you feel bad is a sure fire way to guarantee you’ll end up feeling bad. I wonder if reframing some of these doubts and fears may be helpful. You know nothing about how this new job will be, nor can you determine with certainty that you’ll be unhappy after moving.

So perhaps try to temper your expectations? See if you can find ways to stop the negative spirals and have more of an open mind. I’m burnt out myself and recently left a toxic job so I know just how hard this can be. Therapy helps, so it’s a good thing you’re getting help.

Good luck!
posted by Amy93 at 2:43 PM on February 25, 2023

Challenge that mean voice in your head. You’re not a shut in, you have friends in your current place and friends coming to visit. If you’re so lazy, how did you get a new job? Then ask it what it’s trying to protect you from? Is it trying to slow you down so you don’t burn out with moving tasks? Keep you from getting your hopes up about the big life change you’re making?

Also, plan some small nice things for yourself. This is personal, but just stupid easy shit that makes you smile. Make cookies you like. Go on your favorite walk. Look up cute cat photos and send them to friends who will also enjoy them. Just easy stuff that consistently makes you feel good. Every day. Multiple times a day, if possible. Make a list that you can choose from. I find it really helps to have something to look forward to and know that you won’t feel shitty constantly, those little bright spots will cheer you up at least sometimes, at least for a little bit.
posted by momus_window at 7:50 PM on February 25, 2023 [2 favorites]

So I was in a similar situation years ago - I had to leave my favourite city in the world due to my visa, and ended up for about nine months in the town that I grew up, which I never wanted to return to long term. I left years ago because the place wasn't safe for someone like me, there's nothing for me to do there except shop, and I was isolated from other people. Like you I felt like I was building a community in my previous city and got forcibly pulled out. I was very depressed in those nine months, and while I had access to meds I didn't have access to a therapist, so it was pretty difficult - life-threatening even. I DEFINITELY felt the whole "I failed and nothing will go right" thing when I made the call to move back to my hometown, it's such a horrible feeling especially when you don't really have any proof that anything could go better.

Honestly the thing that helped me the most was developing an escape plan. I looked up options to get me out of that town, checked how viable they are, and worked towards that as a goal. Study, work, whatever - any option was open. Eventually I ended up in the city I am now - it's been 7 years since I came here and it's not my most favourite city but it is miles better than my hometown and I've built a life here. I do still feel the pangs of "what if I could have stayed back there" but I'm learning to make peace with it.

I also got so bored that I ended up doing a lot of online study for fun (very unlike me), including doing a business fundamentals course that I was only really doing as a dare but it turned out that I had a real aptitude for accounting! Is there anything you can do where you are that can be a bit different from your usual fare?
posted by creatrixtiara at 7:54 PM on February 25, 2023 [4 favorites]

This might be a good time to start a gratitude journal. There's actual science behind this, in spite of the toxic positivity people taking it too far as usual. For it to work you shouldn't write it daily - that's too hard when you're going through a difficult time. More like once a week, maybe on Sunday evenings while you have a cup of tea or other soothing beverage, write down 5 things you were grateful for in the week just gone. Big or small things doesn't matter, no-one else needs to see it. It helps reframe your thinking to notice the good details about your life.
posted by harriet vane at 8:20 PM on February 25, 2023 [1 favorite]

I feel you. I've been there. Knowing you're going to have to feel bad is like preparing for the long winter.

I think a big thing that's important to me in these times is separating the legitimate sad feeling from the punishing narrative about what it means about you. for example:
You're sad about losing your job and having to leave the wonderful life that you were building. That's really sad, of course you're feeling grief. But then you say that that means you are illegitimate and feeling that because they're first world problems. That's a mean narrative judging your sadness.
You're grieving because you had built up all of these great activities and friends and now you have to start again. That's sad and tiring, of course you're exhausted. But then you say that you're exhaustion must mean your lazy and never deserved anything good anyway. That's a mean narrative.

The sadness is real, and it deserves to be felt. I think that's the fastest way to get through it, is to cry about things that are sad without your harsh judgement getting in the way. You're losing a lot and you have to start again with so many things. You are not just allowed to be sad about it, you kind of *have* to be sad about it.

But the thing that is harmful is the nasty message that comes with it. It has always helped me to do my best to distinguish the sadness from the unfair narrative. It's almost a meditation exercise: can you notice your thoughts and evaluate what they mean, separate from you?

Writing also helps with that: write down every time your brain provides that judgemental narrative (probably many times a day!) And after a week, look at that list. Group the kinds of narratives that your brain is most vulnerable to. They're called "cognitive distortions." Not exactly inaccurate, just warped to be especially mean. Those narratives don't go away, you're just practicing noticing them. The goal isn't to dismiss them forever, just to be able to calmly and compassionately notice the thought and think "oh interesting. My brain is doing that mean thing again. That must mean I'm stressed and need to be soothed."

And exercise, if you can. I know it's exhausting but you have to give your brain a fighting chance against depression (maybe try to avoid depressants like alcohol as much as possible too). I believe in you! It is hard bullshit that will kick your ass but you will do it anyway!!
posted by mwahlalala at 6:44 AM on February 27, 2023 [1 favorite]