How do I talk to my sibling about getting their kids vaccinated?
January 3, 2022 7:42 PM Subscribe
My sibling (vax'ed) seems to be dragging their heels on getting their children vaccinated. The kids are in the 5-11 group. There have been a few rescheduled appointments, and when I ask when they are going in, they deflect. Details inside.
One of their children is higher risk. They seemed very together, and had an appointment in early Dec. One child got COVID after Thanksgiving (due to exposure from father) and they had to reschedule the appointments. And then they rescheduled again. At this point, I have no idea when they are going in. We are very, very close, and we talk constantly, and they had relied on me through their divorce, etc.
When I've tried to ask, they get really defensive about the entire situation and I can tell they are really burnt out (single parent, irresponsible ex who is not vaccinated and refuses to take any precautions during children's visits.) I think the ex may also be threatening them a bit but my sibling has has full legal/physical custody. I am very concerned about the kids, and I want to approach this with kindness and understanding.
My sibling can be very emotional and a bit reactionary, so I don't want to accuse or come in 'hot' - any suggestions on how to approach? I am particularly worried about my nephew, who has a number of health issues that make it very advantageous for him to get his vaccine asap. I've suggested to drop a note to her pediatrician if she has any new concerns, but I cannot tell if I am getting through to her. I'll have a chance to chat with her soon, and want to try to understand what's happening and help her through it, if I can.
Help?
One of their children is higher risk. They seemed very together, and had an appointment in early Dec. One child got COVID after Thanksgiving (due to exposure from father) and they had to reschedule the appointments. And then they rescheduled again. At this point, I have no idea when they are going in. We are very, very close, and we talk constantly, and they had relied on me through their divorce, etc.
When I've tried to ask, they get really defensive about the entire situation and I can tell they are really burnt out (single parent, irresponsible ex who is not vaccinated and refuses to take any precautions during children's visits.) I think the ex may also be threatening them a bit but my sibling has has full legal/physical custody. I am very concerned about the kids, and I want to approach this with kindness and understanding.
My sibling can be very emotional and a bit reactionary, so I don't want to accuse or come in 'hot' - any suggestions on how to approach? I am particularly worried about my nephew, who has a number of health issues that make it very advantageous for him to get his vaccine asap. I've suggested to drop a note to her pediatrician if she has any new concerns, but I cannot tell if I am getting through to her. I'll have a chance to chat with her soon, and want to try to understand what's happening and help her through it, if I can.
Help?
I think jb has it. My 8-year-old is half-vaxxed, because the clinic where we planned to get her second shot fell on a day when we all caught a stomach virus, and then when we went to reschedule we discovered that our choices are (a) appointment in February (b) walk-in clinic (currently averaging 2.5 hours wait time for pediatric vaccinations) or (c) waitlist for the ad-hoc appointments the pediatrician's office can squeeze in between their COVID patients.
I don't imagine the rest of the country is doing much better. I do know that if I had a well-meaning-but-logistically-clueless sibling frequently bugging me for updates on this impossible-to-navigate situation, I would be getting defensive about it too. I'd suggest either changing your tack to "what can I do to help?" or laying off entirely--I promise your sibling knows their kid has health issues that make vaccination important, and the more you push on this, the worse the effect it's going to have on your relationship.
posted by Mayor West at 9:16 PM on January 3, 2022 [15 favorites]
I don't imagine the rest of the country is doing much better. I do know that if I had a well-meaning-but-logistically-clueless sibling frequently bugging me for updates on this impossible-to-navigate situation, I would be getting defensive about it too. I'd suggest either changing your tack to "what can I do to help?" or laying off entirely--I promise your sibling knows their kid has health issues that make vaccination important, and the more you push on this, the worse the effect it's going to have on your relationship.
posted by Mayor West at 9:16 PM on January 3, 2022 [15 favorites]
Yes, getting scheduled is a chore and kids are not always great with needles. Ask how you can help. Our latest hack is finding a vaccine-listed small independent pharmacy and Calling about availability. CVS cancelled on us twice. Do not nag. Ask how to make it easier for her. Could you play parcheesi in the car while creeping along and she gets online shopping done?
You want to be really sure it’s not about her parenting, it’s tough-I had 13 years of it. Some school systems try to make it easier by offering the flu shot at certain times, but managing details on two students is a lot to juggle with two parents. Ask her if she wants you to remind her, too, so you know what’s helpful and what might be too much.
posted by childofTethys at 10:16 PM on January 3, 2022
You want to be really sure it’s not about her parenting, it’s tough-I had 13 years of it. Some school systems try to make it easier by offering the flu shot at certain times, but managing details on two students is a lot to juggle with two parents. Ask her if she wants you to remind her, too, so you know what’s helpful and what might be too much.
posted by childofTethys at 10:16 PM on January 3, 2022
If you don't have kids yourself, you may not be aware of how logistically challenging a lot of pediatric healthcare can be. Our family practice doctor didn't even offer appointments for the 5-11 covid vaccine, the only way to get it was to go to a vaccine event a 30 min drive away and at a time that didn't even work for us. (It's ok, we luckily found another vaccine event.)
As the parent of a special needs kid, I bristle when people tell me what I "should" be doing when they are not offering practical support. If there's a way for you to lend a hand with this, perhaps by offering to take the kids to the appointment, that's the way to go. Otherwise you're just dumping your own covid anxiety on an already stressed parent.
posted by stowaway at 10:58 PM on January 3, 2022 [12 favorites]
As the parent of a special needs kid, I bristle when people tell me what I "should" be doing when they are not offering practical support. If there's a way for you to lend a hand with this, perhaps by offering to take the kids to the appointment, that's the way to go. Otherwise you're just dumping your own covid anxiety on an already stressed parent.
posted by stowaway at 10:58 PM on January 3, 2022 [12 favorites]
Are you near them? If you are, you might say you've heard it's really hard to get an appointment and gently ask if there's anything you can do to help. Transportation, cook dinner so it's ready when they get home, going with them to the appointment so she's not wrangling both of them at once, staying with one kid while she takes the other to the appointment so she can take them one at a time, who knows what else might help her. Just mention that you'll do whatever she needs if it helps her get them vaccinated, and then drop it. She might know right away what would be helpful, or she might brush you off but weeks later call you to take you up on your offer. And don't press it once you briefly make your offer — if this is becoming fraught for her it might take a while for her to think of a way for you to help.
posted by Tehhund at 3:30 AM on January 4, 2022 [1 favorite]
posted by Tehhund at 3:30 AM on January 4, 2022 [1 favorite]
I think the ex may also be threatening them a bit but my sibling has has full legal/physical custody. I am very concerned about the kids, and I want to approach this with kindness and understanding.
The above advice is good. I would add that you might want to gently talk to her about this and if she has thought about/needs help with contacting legal counsel for getting a restraining order on her ex, if this is what's going on. If he's the kind of anti-vax that will get abusive if he finds out she's vaccinated the children without his consent, she may need to have some emotional/physical support in place.
posted by fight or flight at 4:46 AM on January 4, 2022 [2 favorites]
The above advice is good. I would add that you might want to gently talk to her about this and if she has thought about/needs help with contacting legal counsel for getting a restraining order on her ex, if this is what's going on. If he's the kind of anti-vax that will get abusive if he finds out she's vaccinated the children without his consent, she may need to have some emotional/physical support in place.
posted by fight or flight at 4:46 AM on January 4, 2022 [2 favorites]
Some of my friends without kids who have plenty of free time are struggling to schedule their booster appointments. I can only imagine what a scheduling nightmare it must be for a single parent.
I agree with the above posters that you should offer to help with scheduling and perhaps even taking the kids to the appointment if you are local. Don't jump to the conclusion that your sibling is anti-vax before you have any evidence of it.
posted by redlines at 5:56 AM on January 4, 2022 [1 favorite]
I agree with the above posters that you should offer to help with scheduling and perhaps even taking the kids to the appointment if you are local. Don't jump to the conclusion that your sibling is anti-vax before you have any evidence of it.
posted by redlines at 5:56 AM on January 4, 2022 [1 favorite]
Ditto to what everyone else said about offering to help if that's at all practical.
Also want to add, you can't control other people. If they don't want to do something then you can't make them and trying will damage the relationship.
If you talk to sibling about it then do it directly. Don't dance around it, just ask if they still intend to get the kids vaxed. If yes then ask how you can help. If no, then accept that they've made a decision you don't like and get over it.
Note, asking directly doesn't mean you have to be a dick about it and you can include "I'd like to help" in the question.
posted by Awfki at 6:08 AM on January 4, 2022 [2 favorites]
Also want to add, you can't control other people. If they don't want to do something then you can't make them and trying will damage the relationship.
If you talk to sibling about it then do it directly. Don't dance around it, just ask if they still intend to get the kids vaxed. If yes then ask how you can help. If no, then accept that they've made a decision you don't like and get over it.
Note, asking directly doesn't mean you have to be a dick about it and you can include "I'd like to help" in the question.
posted by Awfki at 6:08 AM on January 4, 2022 [2 favorites]
I understand you and sibling are very close and you're concerned about the kids. Even though they had vax appointments in December, it might not be that easy to get another right now. Sounds like sibling might be going through a lot of stressors that you may not know the finer details of (e.g. the ex) and the last thing they need right now is for someone to ask them "When are the kids getting vaxxed? Did you make an appointment?" It's not helpful. Your sibling getting them vaxxed/making an appointment is not something that you can control. Trust that they are doing everything they can in the best interest of their kids, following their doctor's advice, etc. Sibling has likely thought about all the scenarios and possibilities and logistics.
Since you'll be talking to sibling soon, my suggestion is, do not bring up getting the kids vaxxed. You've done it before, they get defensive. All you can do is listen. Center them - their needs, experiences, current situation, fears, stressors, etc. It's not about you and what you want or think they should do. Ask them how they're all doing, and if you can help with anything. That's it. Do *not* give them suggestions unless asked. It's simple, but not easy.
posted by foxjacket at 7:07 AM on January 4, 2022
Since you'll be talking to sibling soon, my suggestion is, do not bring up getting the kids vaxxed. You've done it before, they get defensive. All you can do is listen. Center them - their needs, experiences, current situation, fears, stressors, etc. It's not about you and what you want or think they should do. Ask them how they're all doing, and if you can help with anything. That's it. Do *not* give them suggestions unless asked. It's simple, but not easy.
posted by foxjacket at 7:07 AM on January 4, 2022
Nthing what fight or flight says.
It could be pressure from ex, possibly he threatens her with something. Even if she legally is in charge there are plenty of things he can do to make her life difficult.
Or he could be influencing the children and turn this into a mom vs dad issue, painting her bad to the children. I have heard some insane claims from relatives (eg vaccinated people give off particles that are dangerous and deadly). If he told the children something like this they may now refuse, or at least be in a serious loyalty conflict.
I think best back off for now. Don't pressure her.
posted by 15L06 at 7:14 AM on January 4, 2022 [1 favorite]
It could be pressure from ex, possibly he threatens her with something. Even if she legally is in charge there are plenty of things he can do to make her life difficult.
Or he could be influencing the children and turn this into a mom vs dad issue, painting her bad to the children. I have heard some insane claims from relatives (eg vaccinated people give off particles that are dangerous and deadly). If he told the children something like this they may now refuse, or at least be in a serious loyalty conflict.
I think best back off for now. Don't pressure her.
posted by 15L06 at 7:14 AM on January 4, 2022 [1 favorite]
I also want to point out that in some locations, they recommend a delay of up to 8 weeks after getting covid before being vaccinated; more, if you've had monoclonal antibodies. And I cannot bring myself to blame a single parent with problems with their ex for wanting to bring all the kids in at once instead of trying to time out a bunch of different appointments.
At this point, it might be kinder to let it be for a bit. I understand the urge to want to help your sibling, and your niblings, but you've tried and it is not helping. Can you do other stuff to help with the burnout and just not discuss vaccinations for a while?
posted by jeather at 8:19 AM on January 4, 2022 [3 favorites]
At this point, it might be kinder to let it be for a bit. I understand the urge to want to help your sibling, and your niblings, but you've tried and it is not helping. Can you do other stuff to help with the burnout and just not discuss vaccinations for a while?
posted by jeather at 8:19 AM on January 4, 2022 [3 favorites]
I have one kid, in a two parent household, and getting all the preventive care onto the calendar and ticked off the list in pandemic times is exhausting.
She's got twice the kid and half the grownup.
Please cut her some slack.
I'm hardcore pro-vaccine, but it's often a lot harder to get kids sorted than adults.
posted by champers at 8:28 AM on January 4, 2022 [2 favorites]
She's got twice the kid and half the grownup.
Please cut her some slack.
I'm hardcore pro-vaccine, but it's often a lot harder to get kids sorted than adults.
posted by champers at 8:28 AM on January 4, 2022 [2 favorites]
I think you need to control your own anxiety/concern about your niblings.
You sibling is aware of vaccination, so you do not need to tell them about it. They appear to be willing to vaccinate their children, so you do not need to extol the benefits of vaccination. In fact, nothing that you have described sounds like the optimal solution is a lecture from you about the urgency of vaccination. Maybe offer some practical help. Maybe drop it.
posted by plonkee at 8:34 AM on January 4, 2022 [5 favorites]
You sibling is aware of vaccination, so you do not need to tell them about it. They appear to be willing to vaccinate their children, so you do not need to extol the benefits of vaccination. In fact, nothing that you have described sounds like the optimal solution is a lecture from you about the urgency of vaccination. Maybe offer some practical help. Maybe drop it.
posted by plonkee at 8:34 AM on January 4, 2022 [5 favorites]
Response by poster: Thank you all for your almost unanimous advice. I really appreciate it. My sister is overloaded, and I pulled back to give her time to deal with things as they come. I was able to help her with some things that were not related to vaccines, including scheduling a number of other appointments for my nephew, as well as running a number of errands. I do really appreciate you all helping me get out of my own head on this!
posted by carmenghia at 4:13 PM on January 15, 2022 [2 favorites]
posted by carmenghia at 4:13 PM on January 15, 2022 [2 favorites]
This thread is closed to new comments.
It sounds like your sibling intended to get their children vaccinated, but may be feeling too overwhelmed with the logistics of it all. In your place, I would ask my sibling what I could do to help them get the kids vaccinated - finding and booking appointments, taking them, babysitting the other(s) if the kids have to go at different times, etc. Or just other things that would give your sibling more energy to deal with it, like picking up groceries, etc.
Opening the conversation that way may reveal what's behind the rescheduling - is it really vaccine hesitancy? Or is it fear of crowds, or just the difficulty wrangling kids to appointments (especially with Omicron)?
posted by jb at 8:13 PM on January 3, 2022 [18 favorites]