Help with insecurities about my new relationship?
December 23, 2018 2:37 PM Subscribe
I (F24) am in my first real relationship with a guy (M24) and he is really cool, but I don't think I have much to offer and he will get bored of me and leave for someone else. How should I think about this?
So I met this great new guy through some friends of mine in March of this year, and we started dating almost 2 months ago.
He is very extroverted, likes to dance, works out a lot, likes to go out and party/drink (not to excess though), etc. Whereas I am totally content with staying home and laying on the couch and watching youtube videos/playing video games.
This would be fine, people can be different, but it also feels like he does everything right and I do everything wrong. He says all the right things, and I struggle to express myself. He'll come up with good ideas for gifts and I can never come up with good gift ideas (the whole concept stresses me out).
I feel like I don't provide anything, and I still don't even know why he likes me in the first place.
Unfortunately, neither of us are very verbal in terms of compliments, so it's hard for me to find something nice he's said to me to fall back on when I'm feeling insecure.
I know all of this is pretty vague, but has anyone else ever felt like this in their relationships?
Thanks so much for any advice!!
So I met this great new guy through some friends of mine in March of this year, and we started dating almost 2 months ago.
He is very extroverted, likes to dance, works out a lot, likes to go out and party/drink (not to excess though), etc. Whereas I am totally content with staying home and laying on the couch and watching youtube videos/playing video games.
This would be fine, people can be different, but it also feels like he does everything right and I do everything wrong. He says all the right things, and I struggle to express myself. He'll come up with good ideas for gifts and I can never come up with good gift ideas (the whole concept stresses me out).
I feel like I don't provide anything, and I still don't even know why he likes me in the first place.
Unfortunately, neither of us are very verbal in terms of compliments, so it's hard for me to find something nice he's said to me to fall back on when I'm feeling insecure.
I know all of this is pretty vague, but has anyone else ever felt like this in their relationships?
Thanks so much for any advice!!
Response by poster: Smorgasboard, thank you for your reply! That sounds like a great idea, but I'm afraid it will come across like "You never compliment me", or somehow clingy or needy. What do you think?
posted by drd at 2:49 PM on December 23, 2018 [1 favorite]
posted by drd at 2:49 PM on December 23, 2018 [1 favorite]
Being in a relationship means being vulnerable and asking for what you want. It's not a critique but rather making sure each person has their needs met. You say, "You are such a wonderful partner to me and I'm so happy we're dating. I have a request and a question. First, I really love hearing compliments and would love for you to say them more often, such as when I... Second, what can I do to make you feel more loved and appreciated?" Or something like that!
Are you familiar with any of The Love Languages books? I don't agree with all of their advice but I do like the point that we express our love in different ways, and it's important that we understand how those around us do as well. I recommend reading them. There are also some free online tests that you two could take and then compare results.
Having these hard conversations is what helps us grow together. Your boyfriend should welcome them! If he doesn't, then perhaps he's not the right person for you. We all have our insecurities but relationships should make us feel stronger and happier, not more anxious and unhappy. However, we all have our challenges and it's important to work on ourselves, too. Have you ever tried therapy before? Working with a good therapist helped me understand and overcome my various insecurities, and it might be something for you to consider, too!
posted by smorgasbord at 3:15 PM on December 23, 2018
Are you familiar with any of The Love Languages books? I don't agree with all of their advice but I do like the point that we express our love in different ways, and it's important that we understand how those around us do as well. I recommend reading them. There are also some free online tests that you two could take and then compare results.
Having these hard conversations is what helps us grow together. Your boyfriend should welcome them! If he doesn't, then perhaps he's not the right person for you. We all have our insecurities but relationships should make us feel stronger and happier, not more anxious and unhappy. However, we all have our challenges and it's important to work on ourselves, too. Have you ever tried therapy before? Working with a good therapist helped me understand and overcome my various insecurities, and it might be something for you to consider, too!
posted by smorgasbord at 3:15 PM on December 23, 2018
If you think compliments will help solve the problem, that’s great and you should ask for them. Getting to know why he likes you might quiet your brain down a bit when you’re worried he’s “better” than you.
Buuuuuuut, it also might not. This could also be a self-esteem issue, which is something you have to work on for yourself. I’m sure he has many natural, cool traits, but the things you like about him— working out, choosing gifts— are hard work. Do you wish you were doing that work, too? Do you wish you were working harder but at something else? Or are you already working hard at things you care about? It’s important to make sure that you’re happy with yourself and don’t need him to validate your worth.
posted by stoneandstar at 3:22 PM on December 23, 2018 [6 favorites]
Buuuuuuut, it also might not. This could also be a self-esteem issue, which is something you have to work on for yourself. I’m sure he has many natural, cool traits, but the things you like about him— working out, choosing gifts— are hard work. Do you wish you were doing that work, too? Do you wish you were working harder but at something else? Or are you already working hard at things you care about? It’s important to make sure that you’re happy with yourself and don’t need him to validate your worth.
posted by stoneandstar at 3:22 PM on December 23, 2018 [6 favorites]
[H]e will get bored of me and leave for someone else. How should I think about this?
Take him out of the equation for a minute and ask yourself if you're otherwise happy with how your life is going. Not how it stacks up against his, or anyone else's, but whatever it is you do with your time - is it good? Are you enjoying your life? That's the important part.
I agree with the above about it possibly being a self-esteem issue, but I'll also say that it's normal to want/need some reassurance in a relationship - I've been with my husband for 17 years and I still like to hear from him the reasons why he loves me.
Ask him - directly, by email, via text - what he likes about you. Ask why he wanted to date you in the first place and, now that you've spent more time together, what he likes about being around you now. He may tell you that he loves how you're able to spend some quiet time together, how you much fun it is to play video games with you, and how he admires your ability to relax - the qualities that you're portraying as being 'less' than what you view as his good qualities.
In the big picture, maybe he'll leave - that's a possibility, for so many reasons, in any relationship. That's part of why it's really important to be okay with yourself and not lose yourself trying to be something you're not. Being in any relationship requires some effort and some compromise, but it shouldn't require you to fundamentally change who you are as a person. Trying to be someone you're not is a really terrible way to live your life.
posted by VioletU at 5:00 PM on December 23, 2018 [6 favorites]
Take him out of the equation for a minute and ask yourself if you're otherwise happy with how your life is going. Not how it stacks up against his, or anyone else's, but whatever it is you do with your time - is it good? Are you enjoying your life? That's the important part.
I agree with the above about it possibly being a self-esteem issue, but I'll also say that it's normal to want/need some reassurance in a relationship - I've been with my husband for 17 years and I still like to hear from him the reasons why he loves me.
Ask him - directly, by email, via text - what he likes about you. Ask why he wanted to date you in the first place and, now that you've spent more time together, what he likes about being around you now. He may tell you that he loves how you're able to spend some quiet time together, how you much fun it is to play video games with you, and how he admires your ability to relax - the qualities that you're portraying as being 'less' than what you view as his good qualities.
In the big picture, maybe he'll leave - that's a possibility, for so many reasons, in any relationship. That's part of why it's really important to be okay with yourself and not lose yourself trying to be something you're not. Being in any relationship requires some effort and some compromise, but it shouldn't require you to fundamentally change who you are as a person. Trying to be someone you're not is a really terrible way to live your life.
posted by VioletU at 5:00 PM on December 23, 2018 [6 favorites]
Honestly, it sounds like you and this guy have very little in common. Which is not to suggest that he’s a bad person or that you are. Neither of you are! You just have opposite preferences in how you like to spend your time and what each of you is good at.
I think that most of our 20s is spent trying to live our lives “the right way”. We have a vision of ourselves where we have the correct social life, say the correct things, work out the correct number of times, have achieved the correct milestones, and so much energy and anxiety get focused around that.
In our 30s we start to learn that we like what we like, and we are how we are. And while it’s always beneficial to seek our best selves, the concept of a “correct” life is a fantasy. Which is to say that this guy may very well get bored and break up with you, and that would be a bummer, but it would inform you (and him) that compatibility isn’t just an issue of getting along with each other, it’s being on the same wavelength. A person can be fantastic in every way, but have a vision of themselves in a Parisian loft while you see yourself on a Midwestern hobby farm.
As far as coming across as “clingy or needy”, it took me until my 40s to figure out that wanting to spend time with your SO and talk to them, wanting to express caring for them and have them express it to you, is a normal and healthy expectation in a relationship and neither clingy nor needy. Some people really buy into the idea that a SO is not actually supposed to have emotional needs or demands on one’s time, and should be satisfied ONLY with what one is willing to do on one’s own initiative. That’s bullshit, and a really good way to spend entire relationships unhappy and never having your emotional needs met.
Ask for what you want and need. If they tell you that they can’t or won’t meet it, then that’s your cue to decide whether this (or any) relationship is doing it for you. You deserve a relationship that fulfills you and makes you happy. This doesn’t mean the other person has to be perfect, or exactly like you; it just means that a good relationship means you aren’t afraid that someone will leave rather than choose to be a partner to you. Or, that if someone *does* choose to leave rather than be a partner to you, then that is ultimately the healthiest result even if it sucks in the moment.
posted by Autumnheart at 7:16 PM on December 24, 2018 [1 favorite]
I think that most of our 20s is spent trying to live our lives “the right way”. We have a vision of ourselves where we have the correct social life, say the correct things, work out the correct number of times, have achieved the correct milestones, and so much energy and anxiety get focused around that.
In our 30s we start to learn that we like what we like, and we are how we are. And while it’s always beneficial to seek our best selves, the concept of a “correct” life is a fantasy. Which is to say that this guy may very well get bored and break up with you, and that would be a bummer, but it would inform you (and him) that compatibility isn’t just an issue of getting along with each other, it’s being on the same wavelength. A person can be fantastic in every way, but have a vision of themselves in a Parisian loft while you see yourself on a Midwestern hobby farm.
As far as coming across as “clingy or needy”, it took me until my 40s to figure out that wanting to spend time with your SO and talk to them, wanting to express caring for them and have them express it to you, is a normal and healthy expectation in a relationship and neither clingy nor needy. Some people really buy into the idea that a SO is not actually supposed to have emotional needs or demands on one’s time, and should be satisfied ONLY with what one is willing to do on one’s own initiative. That’s bullshit, and a really good way to spend entire relationships unhappy and never having your emotional needs met.
Ask for what you want and need. If they tell you that they can’t or won’t meet it, then that’s your cue to decide whether this (or any) relationship is doing it for you. You deserve a relationship that fulfills you and makes you happy. This doesn’t mean the other person has to be perfect, or exactly like you; it just means that a good relationship means you aren’t afraid that someone will leave rather than choose to be a partner to you. Or, that if someone *does* choose to leave rather than be a partner to you, then that is ultimately the healthiest result even if it sucks in the moment.
posted by Autumnheart at 7:16 PM on December 24, 2018 [1 favorite]
I went out with someone I met via OK Cupid recently and asked him why he decided to meet up with me. He’s looking for friends and I am looking for friends but I am much older than he and wanted to make sure he was meeting me for reasons that felt plausible to me rather than creepy. (Like sometimes much younger men write me because they have a thing about older women and I’m not interested in being someone’s fetish object.)
In any case I started out by explaining what had attracted me to his profile and why I had looked forward to meeting him before I asked him why he had decided to say yes. And then he responded in a way that was satisfying and reassuring. So consider asking him in that way, but that is no guarantee that you will find out what you want to find out.
Several years back I asked another person I was dating why he was dating me. He thought I was asking out of some form of self-esteem problem. It took me a while to realize that I was asking because he didn’t actually treat me as though he considered me special. He didn’t actually treat me the way I was accustomed to being treated by people who were really into me. Because I was really into him, it took me a long time to understand that I was in a relationship that was not healthy or ultimately that much fun.
My dad talks about not borrowing worry. Few of us end up staying forever with the people we first date. Some do; perhaps you have found your forever partner. But most don’t. My question to you is if you are spending as much time thinking about your own needs and if they are being met as you are worried about the possibility that your boyfriend may get bored of you. You’re not actually obligated to do his worrying for him. You are both adults. Let him take care of his needs, and you take care of your needs to the extent possible.
I am on my phone and it is hard for me to find the link, but for all that is holy go and read the famous MetaFilter emotional labor thread if you have not yet read it. There is a PDF available as well. I say this to you because I wasted so much of my life worrying about my male partners because they seemed like a fucking black box to me. I had no idea what they were thinking and so I was constantly speculating about them, their needs, their thoughts, etc.
I don’t really do that anymore because even quiet and shy individuals have access to email, texting, and voice calls, as well as in-person communication. If someone I am seeing is unhappy with me, they have many possibilities for letting me know. If they don’t let me know and then leave abruptly in some unpleasant manner, that is on them because they made no attempt to communicate with me or to work things out. Moreover, such people have actually done me a favor because I don’t want to spend time around people who don’t enjoy my company. I want to spend time with people who treasure me and appreciate how fabulous I am.
No matter how you may personally feel about yourself at this moment, I promise that not only are you fabulous in one or many ways but also there are people in the world who will appreciate you exactly as you are. They will appreciate both your body and your mind. Which is how you will know that if you meet someone who only appreciates one or the other, that person is not a good match for you.
If you trust your boyfriend’s judgment, if you believe that he knows how to do things well, why not trust him when it comes to his choice of girlfriend? For many years I carried around the belief that I was a fuck up and frequently put myself in situations guaranteed to reinforce that belief. I am not saying we share that quality, I am merely pointing out that sometimes people hold beliefs that are both self-defeating and untrue. Whatever happens with your relationship, please try to cherish yourself and your qualities. If for any reason you break up ultimately, that is not a referendum on your personal qualities. It just means that ultimately you were not a good match. You are not a boring person; you’re a MeFite. Moreover, you are a young one so please bring lots of your friends over as well because this place needs you. Good luck!
posted by Bella Donna at 4:49 AM on December 25, 2018
In any case I started out by explaining what had attracted me to his profile and why I had looked forward to meeting him before I asked him why he had decided to say yes. And then he responded in a way that was satisfying and reassuring. So consider asking him in that way, but that is no guarantee that you will find out what you want to find out.
Several years back I asked another person I was dating why he was dating me. He thought I was asking out of some form of self-esteem problem. It took me a while to realize that I was asking because he didn’t actually treat me as though he considered me special. He didn’t actually treat me the way I was accustomed to being treated by people who were really into me. Because I was really into him, it took me a long time to understand that I was in a relationship that was not healthy or ultimately that much fun.
My dad talks about not borrowing worry. Few of us end up staying forever with the people we first date. Some do; perhaps you have found your forever partner. But most don’t. My question to you is if you are spending as much time thinking about your own needs and if they are being met as you are worried about the possibility that your boyfriend may get bored of you. You’re not actually obligated to do his worrying for him. You are both adults. Let him take care of his needs, and you take care of your needs to the extent possible.
I am on my phone and it is hard for me to find the link, but for all that is holy go and read the famous MetaFilter emotional labor thread if you have not yet read it. There is a PDF available as well. I say this to you because I wasted so much of my life worrying about my male partners because they seemed like a fucking black box to me. I had no idea what they were thinking and so I was constantly speculating about them, their needs, their thoughts, etc.
I don’t really do that anymore because even quiet and shy individuals have access to email, texting, and voice calls, as well as in-person communication. If someone I am seeing is unhappy with me, they have many possibilities for letting me know. If they don’t let me know and then leave abruptly in some unpleasant manner, that is on them because they made no attempt to communicate with me or to work things out. Moreover, such people have actually done me a favor because I don’t want to spend time around people who don’t enjoy my company. I want to spend time with people who treasure me and appreciate how fabulous I am.
No matter how you may personally feel about yourself at this moment, I promise that not only are you fabulous in one or many ways but also there are people in the world who will appreciate you exactly as you are. They will appreciate both your body and your mind. Which is how you will know that if you meet someone who only appreciates one or the other, that person is not a good match for you.
If you trust your boyfriend’s judgment, if you believe that he knows how to do things well, why not trust him when it comes to his choice of girlfriend? For many years I carried around the belief that I was a fuck up and frequently put myself in situations guaranteed to reinforce that belief. I am not saying we share that quality, I am merely pointing out that sometimes people hold beliefs that are both self-defeating and untrue. Whatever happens with your relationship, please try to cherish yourself and your qualities. If for any reason you break up ultimately, that is not a referendum on your personal qualities. It just means that ultimately you were not a good match. You are not a boring person; you’re a MeFite. Moreover, you are a young one so please bring lots of your friends over as well because this place needs you. Good luck!
posted by Bella Donna at 4:49 AM on December 25, 2018
This thread is closed to new comments.
posted by smorgasbord at 2:44 PM on December 23, 2018