How to react to an excessively gallant Tinder gentleman
February 10, 2018 10:50 AM Subscribe
Not used to this excellent but a bit overwhelming behaviour
I met a guy from Tinder last Friday because I had nothing to do. I hadn't really talked to him much but he was handsome and nice and asked me to eat at a famous local restaurant I'd always wanted to try, so I said yes.
The date was fun, and he was extremely polite and gentlemanly, insisted on paying for everything. We walked around outside after and he held my hand. I was tired and went home but he said we would make a plan to hang out on Sunday.
So on Sunday we had a long date. We went to an arcade, then he took me to another nice restaurant (my city has a lot of nice "ethnic" restaurants that are very casual and cheap but you can have a great time there.. these are the types of places we went to, in case it sounds like there's too much wining and dining going on).
And then we wandered around for about an hour and he kissed me a few times. The kisses were so sweet and sexy! And he told me he likes me. What??? I've never seen a gentleman in the wild in Montreal?? He didn't try to buy me any drinks, didn't try to put his tongue in my mouth, insisted on paying for everything. And by the way, he is very nerdy but very gorgeous. So it's not like he thinks I'm too good for him and is trying extra hard to woo me for that reason -- he's better-looking than me. Data point, he is from India and has only been here for about 6 months.
Then the confusing part happened. He started texting me every day this week and calling me every night. And telling me that he likes me. Not in a creepy way, in a sweet way. But it's so fast and I really don't know how to react because I feel like I don't know him at all.
It's not like we have a lot to talk about in between weekends besides what we did that day and what we ate for dinner. I'm not that exciting that I have a million new stories to tell each day and I don't really like texting incessantly about nothing. It's also not like I even knew he existed until last Friday. And same goes for him. He barely knows me.
So how should I proceed in this situation? His gallant behaviour is really a nice breath of fresh air compared to the string of dumb-dumbs I dated last year. I feel simultaneously that he is sincerely interested in me but also that he doesn't feel like I owe him something. He seems pretty gentle and respectful in his communications.
But I don't understand what just happened. Did one Tinder date make me his girlfriend? I think in his mind, it did. So how do I proceed now? I haven't had any time to even think about whether I like him or not. I mean, I love his behaviour and his good looks and the way he treats me. But I still don't know him as a friend. And I can't keep up with all these texts and phone calls!
I met a guy from Tinder last Friday because I had nothing to do. I hadn't really talked to him much but he was handsome and nice and asked me to eat at a famous local restaurant I'd always wanted to try, so I said yes.
The date was fun, and he was extremely polite and gentlemanly, insisted on paying for everything. We walked around outside after and he held my hand. I was tired and went home but he said we would make a plan to hang out on Sunday.
So on Sunday we had a long date. We went to an arcade, then he took me to another nice restaurant (my city has a lot of nice "ethnic" restaurants that are very casual and cheap but you can have a great time there.. these are the types of places we went to, in case it sounds like there's too much wining and dining going on).
And then we wandered around for about an hour and he kissed me a few times. The kisses were so sweet and sexy! And he told me he likes me. What??? I've never seen a gentleman in the wild in Montreal?? He didn't try to buy me any drinks, didn't try to put his tongue in my mouth, insisted on paying for everything. And by the way, he is very nerdy but very gorgeous. So it's not like he thinks I'm too good for him and is trying extra hard to woo me for that reason -- he's better-looking than me. Data point, he is from India and has only been here for about 6 months.
Then the confusing part happened. He started texting me every day this week and calling me every night. And telling me that he likes me. Not in a creepy way, in a sweet way. But it's so fast and I really don't know how to react because I feel like I don't know him at all.
It's not like we have a lot to talk about in between weekends besides what we did that day and what we ate for dinner. I'm not that exciting that I have a million new stories to tell each day and I don't really like texting incessantly about nothing. It's also not like I even knew he existed until last Friday. And same goes for him. He barely knows me.
So how should I proceed in this situation? His gallant behaviour is really a nice breath of fresh air compared to the string of dumb-dumbs I dated last year. I feel simultaneously that he is sincerely interested in me but also that he doesn't feel like I owe him something. He seems pretty gentle and respectful in his communications.
But I don't understand what just happened. Did one Tinder date make me his girlfriend? I think in his mind, it did. So how do I proceed now? I haven't had any time to even think about whether I like him or not. I mean, I love his behaviour and his good looks and the way he treats me. But I still don't know him as a friend. And I can't keep up with all these texts and phone calls!
Best answer: Some Indians have limited dating experience. Often by choice- to avoid that jaded feeling towards romance. Sounds like you may have found someone like that.
I think you should be honest about wanting to take things emotionally slow. Don't be surprised if that makes him like you more though!
Diversity in dating philosophies also makes life interesting. Enjoy yourself, sounds like you are!
posted by cacao at 10:56 AM on February 10, 2018 [4 favorites]
I think you should be honest about wanting to take things emotionally slow. Don't be surprised if that makes him like you more though!
Diversity in dating philosophies also makes life interesting. Enjoy yourself, sounds like you are!
posted by cacao at 10:56 AM on February 10, 2018 [4 favorites]
This behavior will continue in a relationship so if you don’t like it, dump it.
posted by geoff. at 11:18 AM on February 10, 2018 [2 favorites]
posted by geoff. at 11:18 AM on February 10, 2018 [2 favorites]
Best answer: It's unclear if this is how the guy really is or not, an eager sweetheart who's genuinely a wonderful person or someone who comes on too strong and has unreal expectations. However, only time can tell so, if you're happy and want to continue, you just see where things go. My current partner was this way and is a truly generous, genuine person; I was so overwhelmed by such enthusiasm and kind treatment from the start that I couldn't believe it and even sabotaged things a bit. (I wish I hadn't but that's another story.) Things mellowed with time and we later had to work on focusing more on ourselves individually but I learned that someone who seems too good to be true can actually be that great!
That said, if something seems off, then it's likely off. You can work on setting boundaries of what is definitely good, maybe OK, and absolutely not; just communicate directly and with compassion and warmth. I agree with posters above to bring up your feelings with the guy and see how he reacts. I don't think it needs to be all or nothing, like you could say that you love talking to him but don't want to phone every evening, etc. You can plan the next date and you can plan to keep yourself busy with your own friends and interests. Speaking of which, I'd invite him to some group activities and see what your friends think: it can be nice to have their take on things if you're not trusting your own judgment, and he'd probably enjoy getting to know more people since he's still relatively new in town.
Also, FWIW, if he goes all out on Valentine's Day, please don't feel pressure to reciprocate or encourage him to tone it down unless a super low-key holiday is what you want. Then you can be the one to set up what you want or don't want. If the day does involve a special celebration, just appreciate and enjoy what he does. Some people just like cheesy holidays more than others -- I certainly do! -- and the gestures as much if not more about the giver as much as the recipient. I wish you more clarity and continued happiness!
posted by smorgasbord at 11:36 AM on February 10, 2018 [6 favorites]
That said, if something seems off, then it's likely off. You can work on setting boundaries of what is definitely good, maybe OK, and absolutely not; just communicate directly and with compassion and warmth. I agree with posters above to bring up your feelings with the guy and see how he reacts. I don't think it needs to be all or nothing, like you could say that you love talking to him but don't want to phone every evening, etc. You can plan the next date and you can plan to keep yourself busy with your own friends and interests. Speaking of which, I'd invite him to some group activities and see what your friends think: it can be nice to have their take on things if you're not trusting your own judgment, and he'd probably enjoy getting to know more people since he's still relatively new in town.
Also, FWIW, if he goes all out on Valentine's Day, please don't feel pressure to reciprocate or encourage him to tone it down unless a super low-key holiday is what you want. Then you can be the one to set up what you want or don't want. If the day does involve a special celebration, just appreciate and enjoy what he does. Some people just like cheesy holidays more than others -- I certainly do! -- and the gestures as much if not more about the giver as much as the recipient. I wish you more clarity and continued happiness!
posted by smorgasbord at 11:36 AM on February 10, 2018 [6 favorites]
Ya, that behaviour isn't THAT unusal among first generation Desi. It sounds lovely, but definitely can seem overwhelming if you are not on the same page. Most of my friends got married after meeting their partner a couple of times. Also, dating for non-whites sucks so he may not have had a chance for many dates.
posted by saucysault at 11:42 AM on February 10, 2018 [7 favorites]
posted by saucysault at 11:42 AM on February 10, 2018 [7 favorites]
If he has only been here 6 months, it's quite likely that he hasn't made a lot of friends yet, and has been a bit bored and lonely. The rush of texting may partly be that he's really happy to have a local buddy.
posted by 5_13_23_42_69_666 at 12:30 PM on February 10, 2018 [3 favorites]
posted by 5_13_23_42_69_666 at 12:30 PM on February 10, 2018 [3 favorites]
I would talk to him about it.
But maybe you found one of the rare good ones on tinder. Happened to my best friend. The guy was very into her, she was like "What's the catch," turns out there was no catch: he's just one of the good ones. It happens.
But if he's coming on too strong for you or makes you feel funny the only way to figure out what's going on is to talk to him about it, not us.
posted by sockermom at 12:31 PM on February 10, 2018 [5 favorites]
But maybe you found one of the rare good ones on tinder. Happened to my best friend. The guy was very into her, she was like "What's the catch," turns out there was no catch: he's just one of the good ones. It happens.
But if he's coming on too strong for you or makes you feel funny the only way to figure out what's going on is to talk to him about it, not us.
posted by sockermom at 12:31 PM on February 10, 2018 [5 favorites]
It honestly just might be a cultural thing. It sounds really common for 1st gen Desi people. He might also just be old fashioned, and of the opinion that men are supposed to "woo" women. Or, he could just be lonely. There are a lot of normal, legitimate reasons that this guy is just "like this". There really is no way to tell, except decide if this behavior is something you're willing to put up with to continue seeing him, and wait it out.
But i also think a simple "I'm not a big texter, I'd rather not idle chitchat over text" is a clear-cut thing to tell someone, no mixed signals, and see how he responds.
posted by FirstMateKate at 1:23 PM on February 10, 2018 [4 favorites]
But i also think a simple "I'm not a big texter, I'd rather not idle chitchat over text" is a clear-cut thing to tell someone, no mixed signals, and see how he responds.
posted by FirstMateKate at 1:23 PM on February 10, 2018 [4 favorites]
I agree that you can give him the benefit of the doubt that cultural differences in dating may be at play, but you should express to him that you want to take things slower because you've only just met and barely know him well enough to call him a friend, let alone a boyfriend. See how he reacts. How he responds is an opportunity to learn about the kind of person he is. If you're not 100% thrilled with his response, you can just end things after one date without looking back, but at least you gave it a chance.
posted by AppleTurnover at 2:13 PM on February 10, 2018 [3 favorites]
posted by AppleTurnover at 2:13 PM on February 10, 2018 [3 favorites]
Best answer: N'thing that this is totally consistent with a new-to-Western country Desi and you should feel free to explain your preferences/norms (assuming he is being respectful and kind, please return the favor!) My south asian family sometimes jokes that people from their part of India are most socially similar to labradors - just wanting to be your friend, and so VERY PLEASED AND FOREVER LOYAL if you want to be theirs.
posted by BlueBlueElectricBlue at 2:26 PM on February 10, 2018 [4 favorites]
posted by BlueBlueElectricBlue at 2:26 PM on February 10, 2018 [4 favorites]
Best answer: I had a Desi friend at work who was like this. He was totally sweet, great personality, and came to me and another work buddy, perplexed at why American women kept dumping him. He did come on very strong like this (not in a bad way, he was very polite and a genuine good person).
One time, he'd been dating a woman for a week, and showed up at her house, with a gift of a book of handmade paper. That he'd made himself. He made the paper, put it together, designed the cover, and stitched it all together. It was a pretty awesome thing, but she took it to mean he was coming on too strong and rebuffed him. He really didn't understand it. He was a degreed professional, and very talented in many areas, including cooking. I was sorry I wasn't single.
So I agree, you can gently try telling him he is coming on too strong, or you can enjoy it and see what happens.
posted by Marie Mon Dieu at 2:28 PM on February 10, 2018 [4 favorites]
One time, he'd been dating a woman for a week, and showed up at her house, with a gift of a book of handmade paper. That he'd made himself. He made the paper, put it together, designed the cover, and stitched it all together. It was a pretty awesome thing, but she took it to mean he was coming on too strong and rebuffed him. He really didn't understand it. He was a degreed professional, and very talented in many areas, including cooking. I was sorry I wasn't single.
So I agree, you can gently try telling him he is coming on too strong, or you can enjoy it and see what happens.
posted by Marie Mon Dieu at 2:28 PM on February 10, 2018 [4 favorites]
I feel simultaneously that he is sincerely interested in me but also that he doesn't feel like I owe him something.
Did one Tinder date make me his girlfriend? I think in his mind, it did.
What?!
That's a lot of projection/wishful thinking on your part ("I feel that he feels...").
No, one Tinder date did not make you his girlfriend.
Two weeks ago, you were convinced another guy was your 'soul mate', remember?
Slow down, enjoy yourself, and stop trying to be a mindreader.
posted by mdrew at 7:25 PM on February 10, 2018 [4 favorites]
Did one Tinder date make me his girlfriend? I think in his mind, it did.
What?!
That's a lot of projection/wishful thinking on your part ("I feel that he feels...").
No, one Tinder date did not make you his girlfriend.
Two weeks ago, you were convinced another guy was your 'soul mate', remember?
Slow down, enjoy yourself, and stop trying to be a mindreader.
posted by mdrew at 7:25 PM on February 10, 2018 [4 favorites]
Best answer: I would say:
1) Certainly tell him that daily texting/phone calls are not your preferred style of communication, if that's the case.
2) Keep making other plans. I don't mean necessarily keep seeing other guys from Tinder, but, you know, keep living your life so that there doesn't develop an expectation that you're always free to talk every night. I think that's important in any relationship in order to (a) keep things interesting (those new stories you're worried about not having) and (b) not getting sucked into something that feels too serious too quickly. But it's probably especially warranted here.
posted by AndrewInDC at 8:36 AM on February 12, 2018 [1 favorite]
1) Certainly tell him that daily texting/phone calls are not your preferred style of communication, if that's the case.
2) Keep making other plans. I don't mean necessarily keep seeing other guys from Tinder, but, you know, keep living your life so that there doesn't develop an expectation that you're always free to talk every night. I think that's important in any relationship in order to (a) keep things interesting (those new stories you're worried about not having) and (b) not getting sucked into something that feels too serious too quickly. But it's probably especially warranted here.
posted by AndrewInDC at 8:36 AM on February 12, 2018 [1 favorite]
This thread is closed to new comments.
posted by cakelite at 10:55 AM on February 10, 2018 [36 favorites]