No, sorry, I don't want to be your friend...
September 21, 2017 5:47 PM Subscribe
I feel like suuuuch an awful person for asking this question, but... I don't know how to resolve it. I'm in a grad program and one of my classmates is trying really hard to become friends with me, but in all honestly, I really don't want to be her friend. How do I navigate this gracefully and with kindness? I feel so awful that I don't want to be her friend!!!
She's a fine person, but she's just not someone I want to be friends with. I'm starting to find her attempts at friendship and "closeness" to be really awkward and off putting and as a result I just... am getting SO annoyed with her. I can't stand her now, to be honest.
I feel like this situation came about because I was too afraid of being "rude" and changing seats earlier this month. Yikes. She doesn't do readings, gets annoyed when we have discussion topics and barely joins in group discussions, instead she'll do her budgeting or play games on her iPhone. At one point we were supposed to discuss something for 10 minutes with a partner beside us, and we went together, and she just declared that she hated the topic and did her grocery budgeting and meal planning for the month... leaving me with no one to chat with. She's watched me write personal/work emails on my laptop and brings them up for DISCUSSION between us. Despite all this, she keeps making efforts at friendship and I just. Don't. Want. To. Be. Her. Friend.
Do I have to drop out of grad school and go back to kindergarten? I don't know why this is such a difficult situation, but it's frustrating me!!!
She's a fine person, but she's just not someone I want to be friends with. I'm starting to find her attempts at friendship and "closeness" to be really awkward and off putting and as a result I just... am getting SO annoyed with her. I can't stand her now, to be honest.
I feel like this situation came about because I was too afraid of being "rude" and changing seats earlier this month. Yikes. She doesn't do readings, gets annoyed when we have discussion topics and barely joins in group discussions, instead she'll do her budgeting or play games on her iPhone. At one point we were supposed to discuss something for 10 minutes with a partner beside us, and we went together, and she just declared that she hated the topic and did her grocery budgeting and meal planning for the month... leaving me with no one to chat with. She's watched me write personal/work emails on my laptop and brings them up for DISCUSSION between us. Despite all this, she keeps making efforts at friendship and I just. Don't. Want. To. Be. Her. Friend.
Do I have to drop out of grad school and go back to kindergarten? I don't know why this is such a difficult situation, but it's frustrating me!!!
Just move seats.
posted by Miko at 6:08 PM on September 21, 2017 [1 favorite]
posted by Miko at 6:08 PM on September 21, 2017 [1 favorite]
Adding on: if that feels too awkward, arrive to class 3 minutes "late" next time and scoot into a seat near the door as if not to make a fuss. Then, next time, just return to that seat - it's your new seat.
posted by Miko at 6:08 PM on September 21, 2017 [37 favorites]
posted by Miko at 6:08 PM on September 21, 2017 [37 favorites]
Changing seats is probably the easiest approach. If that's not an option for some reason, which seems unlikely, try boundaries and expectations with her which should decrease her interest in friendship *OR* cause her to shape up and become easier to deal with. I'm guessing that right she thinks you are super easygoing and have no idea that's she's doing anything that frustrates you.
Her: Let's talk about your roommate situation!
You: That email was private, I don't want to discuss it.
Her: This topic is boring, I don't want to discuss it
You: OK, I'll look for another partner. (Seriously, ask two other classmates if you can join their discussion).
Her: This class is boring.
You: I'm sorry you feel that way. I think it's interesting and I want to learn as much as I can from it.
Also, avoid writing emails in front of her. She may think that if you know she's watching and you continue writing, you've as good as said "I'm okay with this." Instead, you can close the window and say "Ooops, that's private" and work on it later.
You can be super polite and at the same time be clear about your preferences and boundaries.
posted by bunderful at 6:20 PM on September 21, 2017 [21 favorites]
Her: Let's talk about your roommate situation!
You: That email was private, I don't want to discuss it.
Her: This topic is boring, I don't want to discuss it
You: OK, I'll look for another partner. (Seriously, ask two other classmates if you can join their discussion).
Her: This class is boring.
You: I'm sorry you feel that way. I think it's interesting and I want to learn as much as I can from it.
Also, avoid writing emails in front of her. She may think that if you know she's watching and you continue writing, you've as good as said "I'm okay with this." Instead, you can close the window and say "Ooops, that's private" and work on it later.
You can be super polite and at the same time be clear about your preferences and boundaries.
posted by bunderful at 6:20 PM on September 21, 2017 [21 favorites]
It sounds like a lot of the problem is that she's not a good collaborator or partner for you in an academic setting, and she's taking up that space. There are some straightforward approaches I'm not seeing here, although I admit I'm not savvy to the more nuanced parts of that culture.
First thought: tell her you need to partner with others to make sure you're learning about the other people in the grad program and how to partner with a variety of people.
Second thought: tell her you personally need to spend 100% of the allocated time focused on the subject at hand, and if she needs to do stuff on her phone or personal stuff on her computer, to please go elsewhere (or you will) because it's making it hard for you to concentrate.
Third thought: tell her you're really interested in X topic and actually shush her (in a not-hostile way) if she gets in the way of that.
Fourth thought: introduce her to someone else. You could even ask that person if they would be willing to partner with her for a week/month, and kind of set them up with "Hey, I'm interested in partnering with Danny P. for a couple of classes just to see what it's like to collaborate with different people, so I asked Jill M. if she was interested in partnering with you -- you know, for class discussions and all that kind of thing -- and here she is. You're both from big schools and you both are into entomology, did you know that?"
You're in graduate school. Making personal connections with people is important, and it's part of the degree program. You both should make multiple connections. Maybe you can persuade her that this is in her best interest and not necessarily a personal rejection.
posted by amtho at 7:32 PM on September 21, 2017 [3 favorites]
First thought: tell her you need to partner with others to make sure you're learning about the other people in the grad program and how to partner with a variety of people.
Second thought: tell her you personally need to spend 100% of the allocated time focused on the subject at hand, and if she needs to do stuff on her phone or personal stuff on her computer, to please go elsewhere (or you will) because it's making it hard for you to concentrate.
Third thought: tell her you're really interested in X topic and actually shush her (in a not-hostile way) if she gets in the way of that.
Fourth thought: introduce her to someone else. You could even ask that person if they would be willing to partner with her for a week/month, and kind of set them up with "Hey, I'm interested in partnering with Danny P. for a couple of classes just to see what it's like to collaborate with different people, so I asked Jill M. if she was interested in partnering with you -- you know, for class discussions and all that kind of thing -- and here she is. You're both from big schools and you both are into entomology, did you know that?"
You're in graduate school. Making personal connections with people is important, and it's part of the degree program. You both should make multiple connections. Maybe you can persuade her that this is in her best interest and not necessarily a personal rejection.
posted by amtho at 7:32 PM on September 21, 2017 [3 favorites]
You're spending, most likely, hours of your time in addition to the time of Internet strangers to find a subjectively "optimal” way to tell this person that you are not interested in being her friend WITHOUT actually telling her that you are not interested in being her friend.
That's pretty fucked up.
Just tell her the truth. Tell her you are not interested in being her friend, and feel free to lie about the reasons (too busy, fill social life, no common interests, you're a snowflake who doesn't particularly like other women your age etc.) but don't be a fucking coward and change seats. Geez. Life is not all about avoiding confrontation (then again, nobody WANTS to be friends with pushovers so that might be your ironic solution). Try being honest. It's easier than you think.
posted by halogen at 8:49 PM on September 21, 2017 [2 favorites]
That's pretty fucked up.
Just tell her the truth. Tell her you are not interested in being her friend, and feel free to lie about the reasons (too busy, fill social life, no common interests, you're a snowflake who doesn't particularly like other women your age etc.) but don't be a fucking coward and change seats. Geez. Life is not all about avoiding confrontation (then again, nobody WANTS to be friends with pushovers so that might be your ironic solution). Try being honest. It's easier than you think.
posted by halogen at 8:49 PM on September 21, 2017 [2 favorites]
Yeah, I find myself largely agreeing with Amtho and Halogen. Life is just too fucking short and I wish I wouldn't have spent so much of my younger years wasting time and trying to navigate around other people's feelings -- especially pushy, boundary-ignorant people. Just sit where you want next time and if she tries to encroach again, firmly tell her, "Hey, I enjoyed getting to know you, but I take this class seriously and just don't think our study habits are compatible. I need to focus, so I'm going to work with other people from now on. No offense." Then turn away. Don't back down. You're going to need to develop this skill of defining your boundaries as life goes on, so get used to it.
Also, you're paying a lot of damn money to go to grad school, so don't let one pushy person ruin your educational experience.
posted by LuckySeven~ at 11:20 PM on September 21, 2017 [9 favorites]
Also, you're paying a lot of damn money to go to grad school, so don't let one pushy person ruin your educational experience.
posted by LuckySeven~ at 11:20 PM on September 21, 2017 [9 favorites]
I disagree with halogen. Especially if you may encounter this person in your professional field, just change seats. It's better to have a stiff-but-polite colleagial interaction than a "this lady told me she didn't want to give me the time of day, so screw her" relationship. i
If she picks up on the change and asks what's up, just tell her you've realized you need to focus on the class work. If need be, you can apologize for hurting her but let her know the unambiguous truth at that point.
posted by samthemander at 11:21 PM on September 21, 2017 [15 favorites]
If she picks up on the change and asks what's up, just tell her you've realized you need to focus on the class work. If need be, you can apologize for hurting her but let her know the unambiguous truth at that point.
posted by samthemander at 11:21 PM on September 21, 2017 [15 favorites]
Hmm. I agree with bunderful that setting boundaries is the way to go, more important to worry about than her friendship advances. There are situations where setting boundaries is not selfish but rather an utterance of self-respect, and where it cannot be avoided to hurt others' feelings because they have positioned themselves in unreasonable ways in the first place.
Ultimately it's also about what you get out of that particular class. Group discussions and discussions in pairs are a pedagogical tool, not just some dumb exercise. The idea is that students interact and enhance each others' horizons and/or knowledge, as opposed to one teacher droning on in front of the classroom. You know all this. It's not ok for you to get deprived of these benefits because your neighbor doesn't play by the rules. I would totally focus on that. It will become self-evident that you are no match for a unilaterally imposed friendship, and she will turn her attention elsewhere.
posted by Namlit at 12:22 AM on September 22, 2017 [2 favorites]
Ultimately it's also about what you get out of that particular class. Group discussions and discussions in pairs are a pedagogical tool, not just some dumb exercise. The idea is that students interact and enhance each others' horizons and/or knowledge, as opposed to one teacher droning on in front of the classroom. You know all this. It's not ok for you to get deprived of these benefits because your neighbor doesn't play by the rules. I would totally focus on that. It will become self-evident that you are no match for a unilaterally imposed friendship, and she will turn her attention elsewhere.
posted by Namlit at 12:22 AM on September 22, 2017 [2 favorites]
She's a fine person, but she's just not someone I want to be friends with. I'm starting to find her attempts at friendship and "closeness" to be really awkward and off putting and as a result I just... am getting SO annoyed with her. I can't stand her now, to be honest.
Hello, Old Person here!
While I hate to bring this up, I had thought the others in this thread would've mentioned the need for students to be aware of their ability to engage in social dynamics for matters outside of making friends or acquaintances. Time was, that was called common courtesy, or more specifically, processional courtesy, as this appears to be coursework centered on a career field.
Another critical point to bear is that the "student" you may be referring to might actually be auditing the course, or more specifically a non-matriculated participant who may be under pressure to pick more than one major. In those instances, the course they may appear to be "sharing" with you may only be a cognate outside of their field, thus explaining why they may seem unfocused.
And while we're at it:
She's a fine person
No, no you really don't know that. She may seem like a fine person, but it's clear you don't know for sure, nor do you feel obliged to especially care about them. In fact, you haven't finished your classes yet, let alone school. Outside of the campus, what do you know of the outside world? There's a reason why "town vs. gown" arguments often resurface in a number of geographic areas. But I will say if someone seems detached, yet chatty, they may have making conversation for the heck of it, and not anything deeper.
It's a big world, and it's easy to get lost in it. FYI.
posted by Smart Dalek at 4:41 AM on September 22, 2017
Hello, Old Person here!
While I hate to bring this up, I had thought the others in this thread would've mentioned the need for students to be aware of their ability to engage in social dynamics for matters outside of making friends or acquaintances. Time was, that was called common courtesy, or more specifically, processional courtesy, as this appears to be coursework centered on a career field.
Another critical point to bear is that the "student" you may be referring to might actually be auditing the course, or more specifically a non-matriculated participant who may be under pressure to pick more than one major. In those instances, the course they may appear to be "sharing" with you may only be a cognate outside of their field, thus explaining why they may seem unfocused.
And while we're at it:
She's a fine person
No, no you really don't know that. She may seem like a fine person, but it's clear you don't know for sure, nor do you feel obliged to especially care about them. In fact, you haven't finished your classes yet, let alone school. Outside of the campus, what do you know of the outside world? There's a reason why "town vs. gown" arguments often resurface in a number of geographic areas. But I will say if someone seems detached, yet chatty, they may have making conversation for the heck of it, and not anything deeper.
It's a big world, and it's easy to get lost in it. FYI.
posted by Smart Dalek at 4:41 AM on September 22, 2017
Please note this is graduate schoool.
posted by Miko at 4:51 AM on September 22, 2017 [1 favorite]
posted by Miko at 4:51 AM on September 22, 2017 [1 favorite]
Response by poster:
You're spending, most likely, hours of your time in addition to the time of Internet strangers to find a subjectively "optimal” way to tell this person that you are not interested in being her friend WITHOUT actually telling her that you are not interested in being her friend.
That's pretty fucked up.
Well... yeah, it is fucked up that's why I'm here asking the question?
I didn't want to be RUDE to her about it. Everyone in my classes has been siting in the same seats for weeks, so if I move seats I end up taking someone else's seat. Yeah, I get that it seems stupid. I'll change seats and be done with it.
posted by VirginiaPlain at 5:48 AM on September 22, 2017 [3 favorites]
You're spending, most likely, hours of your time in addition to the time of Internet strangers to find a subjectively "optimal” way to tell this person that you are not interested in being her friend WITHOUT actually telling her that you are not interested in being her friend.
That's pretty fucked up.
Well... yeah, it is fucked up that's why I'm here asking the question?
I didn't want to be RUDE to her about it. Everyone in my classes has been siting in the same seats for weeks, so if I move seats I end up taking someone else's seat. Yeah, I get that it seems stupid. I'll change seats and be done with it.
posted by VirginiaPlain at 5:48 AM on September 22, 2017 [3 favorites]
I'm sorry you're going through something like this. I also suffered from this, and it ought to have a name. I called it Gerryitis, named after a nice guy who would not let go. I was also in grad school and I talked to my advisor about the situation. He managed to rearrange some things so contact with "Gerry" was greatly reduced. When we were together, I stonewalled him. I felt bad, but I had to get this guy out of my life.
Talk to your advisor and see if they can help. If they can't, your going have to stonewall her.
Miko also had a good idea.
posted by james33 at 6:16 AM on September 22, 2017
Talk to your advisor and see if they can help. If they can't, your going have to stonewall her.
Miko also had a good idea.
posted by james33 at 6:16 AM on September 22, 2017
She doesn't do readings, gets annoyed when we have discussion topics and barely joins in group discussions, instead she'll do her budgeting or play games on her iPhone. At one point we were supposed to discuss something for 10 minutes with a partner beside us, and we went together, and she just declared that she hated the topic and did her grocery budgeting and meal planning for the month... leaving me with no one to chat with.
This person is in graduate school?! Let me tell you, she is on a high-speed path to flunking out, and if you're not careful she could suck you down with her. I am so sorry that you are in this situation -- it sounds like you are a kind person and she is thoughtlessly taking advantage of that.
I suggest that for now, you focus on the situation in your class(es). I suggest that you go talk to your course instructor in their office one-on-one. Describe the situation in the class -- that partnering with the other student isn't working for you because x,y,z. You don't have to mention the friendship/boundary issues, and you can tell the instructor that you would like this to be confidential. Ask the instructor if they would be willing to direct the class to switch up the discussion pairings. This is a good educational move anyway, and there will be no way for your non-friend to link it back to you.
posted by heatherlogan at 7:51 AM on September 22, 2017 [3 favorites]
This person is in graduate school?! Let me tell you, she is on a high-speed path to flunking out, and if you're not careful she could suck you down with her. I am so sorry that you are in this situation -- it sounds like you are a kind person and she is thoughtlessly taking advantage of that.
I suggest that for now, you focus on the situation in your class(es). I suggest that you go talk to your course instructor in their office one-on-one. Describe the situation in the class -- that partnering with the other student isn't working for you because x,y,z. You don't have to mention the friendship/boundary issues, and you can tell the instructor that you would like this to be confidential. Ask the instructor if they would be willing to direct the class to switch up the discussion pairings. This is a good educational move anyway, and there will be no way for your non-friend to link it back to you.
posted by heatherlogan at 7:51 AM on September 22, 2017 [3 favorites]
I actually don't think this person is trying to be your friend -- at least from your description, it doesn't sound like she has ever so much as asked you to go get a cup of coffee together, much less anything even more overtly friendly. It sounds like she's just distracting/annoying/chatty in class. I would suggest:
--Sit in a different seat -- ideally closer to the front where you cannot see what she is or is not doing on her phone. If anyone asks, you can make up a semi-white-lie such as "Oh, I realized I was having a hard time hearing the professor so I wanted to sit closer" or "I need new glasses and I can see the board better up here" or "I realized I find it easier to focus closer to the front of the room."
--Stop writing personal emails in the middle of class (distracting to you and all of your classmates), especially if you are moving closer to the front and more people will be able to see your laptop screen. There is a lot of research out there that hand-written notes are much more effective, but if you really must take notes on your laptop, at least disable the wifi to remove the temptation.
--Turn to another person when it's discussion time. If you end up in a pairing with this woman by default and she won't discuss the material, turn in another direction and form a group of three.
--Actively form connections with other people in your classes who you know to be more dedicated.
If the person does take more active friendship steps like asking to hang out outside of class, I would just breezily say "Oh, I can't, sorry! Have fun though!" You have no real relationship with this person, so I don't see any reason to have a big dramatic TALK about how you don't want to be friends. Just be too busy to ever hang out. When you find yourself at larger group events (like if a classmate is throwing a party or your department has a happy hour, etc.), be polite and make excuses to get another drink/find the bathroom/grab a sweater/find a place to put down your bag/etc. and then re-join another group's conversation.
posted by rainbowbrite at 11:54 AM on September 22, 2017 [4 favorites]
--Sit in a different seat -- ideally closer to the front where you cannot see what she is or is not doing on her phone. If anyone asks, you can make up a semi-white-lie such as "Oh, I realized I was having a hard time hearing the professor so I wanted to sit closer" or "I need new glasses and I can see the board better up here" or "I realized I find it easier to focus closer to the front of the room."
--Stop writing personal emails in the middle of class (distracting to you and all of your classmates), especially if you are moving closer to the front and more people will be able to see your laptop screen. There is a lot of research out there that hand-written notes are much more effective, but if you really must take notes on your laptop, at least disable the wifi to remove the temptation.
--Turn to another person when it's discussion time. If you end up in a pairing with this woman by default and she won't discuss the material, turn in another direction and form a group of three.
--Actively form connections with other people in your classes who you know to be more dedicated.
If the person does take more active friendship steps like asking to hang out outside of class, I would just breezily say "Oh, I can't, sorry! Have fun though!" You have no real relationship with this person, so I don't see any reason to have a big dramatic TALK about how you don't want to be friends. Just be too busy to ever hang out. When you find yourself at larger group events (like if a classmate is throwing a party or your department has a happy hour, etc.), be polite and make excuses to get another drink/find the bathroom/grab a sweater/find a place to put down your bag/etc. and then re-join another group's conversation.
posted by rainbowbrite at 11:54 AM on September 22, 2017 [4 favorites]
Dear lord, please don't take halogen's advice and tell her you don't want to be her friend. That's a (poor) strategy for a fourth-grader. It's cruel and rude for adults to do, unless they've exhausted all other options. Adults in the (working, community, whatever) world need strategies to gracefully communicate this sort of thing to other adults in a way that allows everyone to save face and continue existing together. If you've never had to deal with this kind of experience as an adult before, consider yourself lucky! But it's a good learning experience.
I agree with those who suggest a non-confrontational approach like snagging a different seat or saying something to redirect her attention. If she tries to talk to you after class - oops, you're in a hurry and have to go! Or you have something you need to ask someone else. If she's trying to distract you during class - sorry, can't talk about that right now, you're trying to focus on this assignment/lecture/discussion.
If she does something boundary-pushing again like mentioning an email she saw you writing, you have a few options. I do think directness is fine here if you're comfortable with it - "hey, please don't read over my shoulder while I'm writing." If you aren't, you can give her a blank look, change the subject, or just pull an "oops gotta go." It sounds like she's using this as a (very inappropriate) way of establishing a connection with you, so just don't let that strategy work.
Honestly, people like this IME don't take a ton of cues to lay off. It always SEEMS like they will because they act so clueless! But once she sees that her attempts at connecting aren't working, she will probably lose interest. In the very unlikely instance none of this works, then it might be time to be more direct and let her know you're not interested in developing more of a friendship with her, but really, that's a last resort.
posted by lunasol at 4:03 PM on September 22, 2017 [1 favorite]
I agree with those who suggest a non-confrontational approach like snagging a different seat or saying something to redirect her attention. If she tries to talk to you after class - oops, you're in a hurry and have to go! Or you have something you need to ask someone else. If she's trying to distract you during class - sorry, can't talk about that right now, you're trying to focus on this assignment/lecture/discussion.
If she does something boundary-pushing again like mentioning an email she saw you writing, you have a few options. I do think directness is fine here if you're comfortable with it - "hey, please don't read over my shoulder while I'm writing." If you aren't, you can give her a blank look, change the subject, or just pull an "oops gotta go." It sounds like she's using this as a (very inappropriate) way of establishing a connection with you, so just don't let that strategy work.
Honestly, people like this IME don't take a ton of cues to lay off. It always SEEMS like they will because they act so clueless! But once she sees that her attempts at connecting aren't working, she will probably lose interest. In the very unlikely instance none of this works, then it might be time to be more direct and let her know you're not interested in developing more of a friendship with her, but really, that's a last resort.
posted by lunasol at 4:03 PM on September 22, 2017 [1 favorite]
I have found, and rely on, a simple method to deal with people's behaviours. You need to straight up tell them that "When you do X, it makes me feel Y, so I need Z". It's important to frame it as "Can I give you some feedback?". It's also important to let them know that you are not looking for a discussion, just letting them know how their behaviour impacts you.
So in this case, "When you don't take assignments seriously, it makes me feel like you don't take my participation seriously. I need to spend my time in class with those who I do feel take it seriously". And leave it like that. If they try to engage, politely decline and remind them that you just needed to let them know how their behaviour impacts you. Don't get sucked into their rationalisation.
This approach is important for a couple of reasons. You aren't being mean. You are literally telling them that when they act in a certain way, you react in a specific way. They have all the power in the world to not act that way, or they will get the response you've told them explicitly will happen. Ball is in their court, you can go on with your life. If they keep at it, rinse and repeat. It's also good to let people know which actions lead to you having positive responses.
If you are nervous telling giving this feedback, just be honest about that too. "Hey, I want to give you some feedback, but just telling you makes me feel like a bad person. It's important that you know, so here goes." There is no downside to being honest about how you feel. And there is nothing you need to rationalise about feelings, as they are honest reactions.
My experience tells me that this person will start to adjust their behaviour, or they will avoid you. Continue to be nice and treat them as a good person, but also let them know when and if their behaviour starts impacting you.
posted by qwip at 6:06 PM on September 23, 2017 [4 favorites]
So in this case, "When you don't take assignments seriously, it makes me feel like you don't take my participation seriously. I need to spend my time in class with those who I do feel take it seriously". And leave it like that. If they try to engage, politely decline and remind them that you just needed to let them know how their behaviour impacts you. Don't get sucked into their rationalisation.
This approach is important for a couple of reasons. You aren't being mean. You are literally telling them that when they act in a certain way, you react in a specific way. They have all the power in the world to not act that way, or they will get the response you've told them explicitly will happen. Ball is in their court, you can go on with your life. If they keep at it, rinse and repeat. It's also good to let people know which actions lead to you having positive responses.
If you are nervous telling giving this feedback, just be honest about that too. "Hey, I want to give you some feedback, but just telling you makes me feel like a bad person. It's important that you know, so here goes." There is no downside to being honest about how you feel. And there is nothing you need to rationalise about feelings, as they are honest reactions.
My experience tells me that this person will start to adjust their behaviour, or they will avoid you. Continue to be nice and treat them as a good person, but also let them know when and if their behaviour starts impacting you.
posted by qwip at 6:06 PM on September 23, 2017 [4 favorites]
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posted by meese at 6:00 PM on September 21, 2017 [1 favorite]