How do I deal with this intimate relationship with my ex?
July 8, 2015 10:11 AM Subscribe
Today is the 1 year anniversary of my divorce. The ex, our child, and I just spent the weekend with his extended family, visiting them in another state. We laughed, played darts, had a great time. We have been doing many things together (volunteering, gardening, walking, watching shows, going out) over the last month or so. Today he broke up with his girlfriend, because, among other reasons, he and I spend so much time together. But there is a problem.
The problem is that he is not physically attracted to me and says he never will be again. Of course, I still am attracted to him. We are very connected. He even states he had a physical relationship with his girlfriend and an emotional relationship with me. We share interests, we have a similar worldview, and the same sense of humor. In retrospect, I believe he has not been physically attracted to me for a long time, yet continued to feel the emotional connection.
He says I should date. I am on a few sites, but because we do everything together, and I don't want to do things with other people, it is impossible for me to date. That is, I won't cut off contact with him to make time to date. Because I still love him. And we have fun together. And get along. And he wants to see me too. So the relationship continues despite the divorce.
We discussed tonight that we might see a therapist to work this out so that I will make a decision that will not hurt me. He says his opening statement will be "I will never have sex with her again". He thinks I should take a 6 month break from him and move on and then renew the friendship. I don't want to do that. We have a child together (I won't go into my very complicated feelings about blending families) and feel like we are a family. He says he wants to spend time with me. He also says he will be taking a break from sexual relationships completely right now to focus on himself--while still desiring to hike with me, discuss buying land together, eat dinner together at night, etc.
How can I make sense of what I am doing? I know other sexless relationships; is that a possibility? Am I making a mistake? How can I decide what will be healthy for me? If I stay in this sexless relationship, am I just a stop-over until he finds someone he wants to be with more? But--see the part where we spend all our time together.
PS. I did just reach out to someone for a purely FWB situation since I want to have sex in my life. The ex does not care about this.
The problem is that he is not physically attracted to me and says he never will be again. Of course, I still am attracted to him. We are very connected. He even states he had a physical relationship with his girlfriend and an emotional relationship with me. We share interests, we have a similar worldview, and the same sense of humor. In retrospect, I believe he has not been physically attracted to me for a long time, yet continued to feel the emotional connection.
He says I should date. I am on a few sites, but because we do everything together, and I don't want to do things with other people, it is impossible for me to date. That is, I won't cut off contact with him to make time to date. Because I still love him. And we have fun together. And get along. And he wants to see me too. So the relationship continues despite the divorce.
We discussed tonight that we might see a therapist to work this out so that I will make a decision that will not hurt me. He says his opening statement will be "I will never have sex with her again". He thinks I should take a 6 month break from him and move on and then renew the friendship. I don't want to do that. We have a child together (I won't go into my very complicated feelings about blending families) and feel like we are a family. He says he wants to spend time with me. He also says he will be taking a break from sexual relationships completely right now to focus on himself--while still desiring to hike with me, discuss buying land together, eat dinner together at night, etc.
How can I make sense of what I am doing? I know other sexless relationships; is that a possibility? Am I making a mistake? How can I decide what will be healthy for me? If I stay in this sexless relationship, am I just a stop-over until he finds someone he wants to be with more? But--see the part where we spend all our time together.
PS. I did just reach out to someone for a purely FWB situation since I want to have sex in my life. The ex does not care about this.
He is not being very fair to you by continuing to see you and take up all the relationship space in your life, while only taking up some of the relationship space in his life. Tell him that if he really cares for you and wants you to move on, he will help you enforce the boundaries that SkylitDrawl mentions.
posted by Rock Steady at 10:29 AM on July 8, 2015 [7 favorites]
posted by Rock Steady at 10:29 AM on July 8, 2015 [7 favorites]
This sounds like a great arrangement for him, and a terrible one for you. You're giving him more room in your life than he has a right to take up-- and even he knows it (hence his suggestion of a break.)
I know other sexless relationships; is that a possibility?
Not if you are still attracted to him, which you say you are.
I like his suggestion of counseling--but I think you should do it alone, not with him.
posted by kapers at 10:37 AM on July 8, 2015 [9 favorites]
I know other sexless relationships; is that a possibility?
Not if you are still attracted to him, which you say you are.
I like his suggestion of counseling--but I think you should do it alone, not with him.
posted by kapers at 10:37 AM on July 8, 2015 [9 favorites]
We discussed tonight that we might see a therapist to work this out so that I will make a decision that will not hurt me.
There may not be a decision which will not hurt you.
posted by showbiz_liz at 10:39 AM on July 8, 2015 [41 favorites]
There may not be a decision which will not hurt you.
posted by showbiz_liz at 10:39 AM on July 8, 2015 [41 favorites]
People can have sexless relationships that totally work out for everyone. However, I don't see that happening in your case because you have unequal desires. He wants you to date and presumably he would like to date people he would have sex with. He has said that will not be you. You have to take him at his word that the relationship doesn't work for him. Some people don't really see the problem in going through nesting-type behaviors with someone who they are not actually in a relationship with, other people do. You clearly want a pair-bonded relationship with this person and he does not want one with you. You're reaching that maybe something will either change on his part and he'll decide that oh yes this is what he wants. Or that nothing will change, he will never meet someone else and you guys can continue to play house in this sexless way forever.
Again, to be clear: there is nothing at all wrong with having a relationship with no sex if both people want that. That is not my read on your situation and I think you're trying to make it seem more true than it really is.
I've been with guys in the past who loved to do this sort of "playing house" activities even though they didn't want to be in a pair bonded relationship with me. They don't mean it to be a bad thing but it's ultimately a bad thing. You're filling a slot in his life now that ultimately, it sounds like, he'd like filled with someone else. That will ultimately be painful for you and my advice is to move on before you have to have an ugly confrontation about this.
posted by jessamyn at 10:41 AM on July 8, 2015 [30 favorites]
Again, to be clear: there is nothing at all wrong with having a relationship with no sex if both people want that. That is not my read on your situation and I think you're trying to make it seem more true than it really is.
I've been with guys in the past who loved to do this sort of "playing house" activities even though they didn't want to be in a pair bonded relationship with me. They don't mean it to be a bad thing but it's ultimately a bad thing. You're filling a slot in his life now that ultimately, it sounds like, he'd like filled with someone else. That will ultimately be painful for you and my advice is to move on before you have to have an ugly confrontation about this.
posted by jessamyn at 10:41 AM on July 8, 2015 [30 favorites]
I know other sexless relationships; is that a possibility?
Is it? This is something you have to tell us; not the other way around.
You sound very confused. I think you know you are confused, and you want to know how to stop being confused. Here is the obvious and most helpful solution: find a personal therapist for yourself (not for you and your ex, but just for you), and work with them. That, I think, is what you need: you need the chance to really interact with your own needs and wants and thoughts and feelings. You need a place and some time to feel what you need to feel, to heal.
I can't tell you what the right decision for you is, but I can tell you this: I cannot imagine how painful and upsetting it would be to have my husband/ex-husband openly and adamantly maintain that I am unattractive to him, that he would never have sex to me. That must hurt like hell. I cannot imagine how confusing it would be to have a conversation that involves that sort of sentiment. That must be extremely hard. I cannot imagine trying to juggle my own relationship needs, along with my child's needs, along with long-term life plans, while having that little quote swirling around in my head. That must be an incredible challenge.
And so, here, I see you presenting something that, to me, would be challenging, painful, soul-crushing.... And, in your description of it, I see no expression of pain. I see no expression of your feelings at all. Where, using my own psychology as a guide, I would expect anger and sorrow and hurt, what I see instead is affectless. You sound tired, you sound worn down. You sound numb.
When I am numb, as you sound to me like you are, it is because I am depressed and anxious. It is because I have something emotional going on that is SO BIG AND SCARY AND FIERY AND ENCOMPASSING that I can't even feel it. I shut down, I grow tired. I lose sight of my own feelings because, were I to feel anything but numbness, I would be overcome with that BIG SCARY FIERY emotion. I can't make any decisions because decisions require weighing my wants and needs, determining what feels right. I come to a place where I can't even decide if, say, I want chocolate or vanilla ice cream, if I want to watch re-runs of The Office or Seinfeld, if I want a drink of water or not, because I am so lost in numbness. When I am hurt, when I am angry, when I am deep down feeling something, I present as numb, as affectless. When I have hurt, I am confused about my wants and needs, I am left asking questions like, "How can I know what I want?" or "How am I supposed to decide?"
I don't know if my experiences translate to you. I don't know if I am reading your tone correctly, or if I am instead reading too much into it. But, I offer it as a possibility: it may be that you have, deep down inside, a pit of BIG AND SCARY AND FIERY AND ENCOMPASSING emotion that needs to be addressed. It may be that you need the opportunity to truly experience that emotion, to feel it, so that you can understand it, so that you can live with it and use it to determine what to do. That's what I would need. If you feel numb, tired, confused, I suggest that, perhaps, there is some place deep down inside you where you aren't numb but instead boiling with feeling, where you aren't confused but perfectly aware of what you need and how to get it. You just need the opportunity to access that place, to feel that feeling, to recognize that core truth about how your ex-husband's actions have affected you.
That's why therapy can be so helpful. It is a space where you can feel those emotions that are hard to feel. A therapist is a guide who can help you move through the numbness and the confusion to something certain and strong. In therapy, you will be in a position to realize how you feel and, as a result, what you want.
Again, I really am not in a position to say if I am reading you correctly or not. But you are. Are you numb? If so, please pay attention to it. Please recognize it as a warning, a sign. A person doesn't feel numbness for no reason. Numbness stands in where something else must go. Numbness is the (superficial, unsteady, ultimately unhelpful) scab hiding some wound below. If you feel numb, then you need to feel that wound, that deep horrible emotion. If you feel numb, then unleashing that emotion is what you need to be able to find the answers to your questions.
posted by meese at 10:46 AM on July 8, 2015 [52 favorites]
Is it? This is something you have to tell us; not the other way around.
You sound very confused. I think you know you are confused, and you want to know how to stop being confused. Here is the obvious and most helpful solution: find a personal therapist for yourself (not for you and your ex, but just for you), and work with them. That, I think, is what you need: you need the chance to really interact with your own needs and wants and thoughts and feelings. You need a place and some time to feel what you need to feel, to heal.
I can't tell you what the right decision for you is, but I can tell you this: I cannot imagine how painful and upsetting it would be to have my husband/ex-husband openly and adamantly maintain that I am unattractive to him, that he would never have sex to me. That must hurt like hell. I cannot imagine how confusing it would be to have a conversation that involves that sort of sentiment. That must be extremely hard. I cannot imagine trying to juggle my own relationship needs, along with my child's needs, along with long-term life plans, while having that little quote swirling around in my head. That must be an incredible challenge.
And so, here, I see you presenting something that, to me, would be challenging, painful, soul-crushing.... And, in your description of it, I see no expression of pain. I see no expression of your feelings at all. Where, using my own psychology as a guide, I would expect anger and sorrow and hurt, what I see instead is affectless. You sound tired, you sound worn down. You sound numb.
When I am numb, as you sound to me like you are, it is because I am depressed and anxious. It is because I have something emotional going on that is SO BIG AND SCARY AND FIERY AND ENCOMPASSING that I can't even feel it. I shut down, I grow tired. I lose sight of my own feelings because, were I to feel anything but numbness, I would be overcome with that BIG SCARY FIERY emotion. I can't make any decisions because decisions require weighing my wants and needs, determining what feels right. I come to a place where I can't even decide if, say, I want chocolate or vanilla ice cream, if I want to watch re-runs of The Office or Seinfeld, if I want a drink of water or not, because I am so lost in numbness. When I am hurt, when I am angry, when I am deep down feeling something, I present as numb, as affectless. When I have hurt, I am confused about my wants and needs, I am left asking questions like, "How can I know what I want?" or "How am I supposed to decide?"
I don't know if my experiences translate to you. I don't know if I am reading your tone correctly, or if I am instead reading too much into it. But, I offer it as a possibility: it may be that you have, deep down inside, a pit of BIG AND SCARY AND FIERY AND ENCOMPASSING emotion that needs to be addressed. It may be that you need the opportunity to truly experience that emotion, to feel it, so that you can understand it, so that you can live with it and use it to determine what to do. That's what I would need. If you feel numb, tired, confused, I suggest that, perhaps, there is some place deep down inside you where you aren't numb but instead boiling with feeling, where you aren't confused but perfectly aware of what you need and how to get it. You just need the opportunity to access that place, to feel that feeling, to recognize that core truth about how your ex-husband's actions have affected you.
That's why therapy can be so helpful. It is a space where you can feel those emotions that are hard to feel. A therapist is a guide who can help you move through the numbness and the confusion to something certain and strong. In therapy, you will be in a position to realize how you feel and, as a result, what you want.
Again, I really am not in a position to say if I am reading you correctly or not. But you are. Are you numb? If so, please pay attention to it. Please recognize it as a warning, a sign. A person doesn't feel numbness for no reason. Numbness stands in where something else must go. Numbness is the (superficial, unsteady, ultimately unhelpful) scab hiding some wound below. If you feel numb, then you need to feel that wound, that deep horrible emotion. If you feel numb, then unleashing that emotion is what you need to be able to find the answers to your questions.
posted by meese at 10:46 AM on July 8, 2015 [52 favorites]
I don't want to do that.
Understandable, but keep in this relationship is not giving you what need and will always be a source of frustration and pain.
Be good to yourself and look for someone who can truly give you the relationship you deserve.
posted by Brandon Blatcher at 10:49 AM on July 8, 2015 [3 favorites]
Understandable, but keep in this relationship is not giving you what need and will always be a source of frustration and pain.
Be good to yourself and look for someone who can truly give you the relationship you deserve.
posted by Brandon Blatcher at 10:49 AM on July 8, 2015 [3 favorites]
It sounds like the two of you are very good friends and co-parents. Period. I was in a marriage where there was an imbalance of desire for sex/intimacy and believe me, the resentment started to build and infested everything else in our lives. As others have said, a sexless relationship works ONLY if neither of you ever wants to have sex again.
The other option for you would be an open relationship, but I think that would be hurtful for you if he wanted to have sex with others but NOT you.
You deserve to be adored, AND f*cked as often as you like by your partner.
posted by CanyonWren at 10:50 AM on July 8, 2015 [4 favorites]
The other option for you would be an open relationship, but I think that would be hurtful for you if he wanted to have sex with others but NOT you.
You deserve to be adored, AND f*cked as often as you like by your partner.
posted by CanyonWren at 10:50 AM on July 8, 2015 [4 favorites]
You're friends.
Neither of you wants to be just friends or just fuck buddies; you both want the whole enchilada, clearly. That's why you're still hanging on to the relationship with him because you also want him sexually. He is still hanging on to you because he is able to get sex elsewhere but he still wants to feel the emotional connection with you. This, to me, sounds like fuzzy boundary issues rather than compatibility issues. Put another way, you're in this relationship precisely because it's dysfunctional, and that is what each of you identifies as "love".
At core, your relationship is a friendship. In my experience, the person in a friendship who wants to have sex with the other person loses, and loses a lot, in the long-term. Cut your losses and keep dating until the person you want to talk to all night long is also the person who wants to fuck you.
posted by TryTheTilapia at 10:54 AM on July 8, 2015 [9 favorites]
Neither of you wants to be just friends or just fuck buddies; you both want the whole enchilada, clearly. That's why you're still hanging on to the relationship with him because you also want him sexually. He is still hanging on to you because he is able to get sex elsewhere but he still wants to feel the emotional connection with you. This, to me, sounds like fuzzy boundary issues rather than compatibility issues. Put another way, you're in this relationship precisely because it's dysfunctional, and that is what each of you identifies as "love".
At core, your relationship is a friendship. In my experience, the person in a friendship who wants to have sex with the other person loses, and loses a lot, in the long-term. Cut your losses and keep dating until the person you want to talk to all night long is also the person who wants to fuck you.
posted by TryTheTilapia at 10:54 AM on July 8, 2015 [9 favorites]
He is not the only person in the world to whom you can be sexually attracted, nor is he the only person in the world with whom you can hike and eat dinner and raise a child. You say your feelings on blended families are complicated -- maybe you need to sort that out while he's sorting out his life and see where that takes you.
He doesn't want the same thing out of your relationship. He can be a friend, but he's never going to be your husband again.
posted by Etrigan at 10:55 AM on July 8, 2015 [2 favorites]
He doesn't want the same thing out of your relationship. He can be a friend, but he's never going to be your husband again.
posted by Etrigan at 10:55 AM on July 8, 2015 [2 favorites]
discuss buying land together
don't do this.
posted by rockindata at 10:56 AM on July 8, 2015 [42 favorites]
don't do this.
posted by rockindata at 10:56 AM on July 8, 2015 [42 favorites]
The only problem is that you are actively fighting reality. At some level, you know it but you want it to be other than it actually is. That's the road to Crazyville, with plenty of stops to fill up on pain along the way.
posted by trinity8-director at 11:01 AM on July 8, 2015 [6 favorites]
posted by trinity8-director at 11:01 AM on July 8, 2015 [6 favorites]
You're in a very emotionally intimate relationship with this man where you function as a relationship surrogate. He gets everything he wants, including sex with someone else, and you do not as it sounds like you still want a physical relationship with him and he's made it clear that you'll never get it.
There's no easy way to say this, but he's using you. Yes, you have a genuine relationship and meaningful connection, but he's taking up all of the emotional space and the literal time that you could be devoting to a relationship with a partner who is connected to you, who you get along with, who you have fun with, and who is incredibly attracted to you and wants to have a passionate and fulfilling intimate relationship with you. That's just not fair and it's also not healthy. If you had no sexual desire and no attraction to him or anyone else and no future possibility of the wanting that, you may be able to argue that this is an OK arrangement, but that's not the case. Not to mention, doesn't it cut you to the bone to hear him tell you and anyone else that he'll never be attracted to you again? That he cares for you and loves spending time with you but will never find you to be alluring enough to have sex with? That's brutal.
Finally, consider what you're modeling for your child. It's important for the child to not have parents who are at each other's throats, but you're modeling a very unequal dynamic. Daddy has Mommy and also a girlfriend when he wants one, and Mommy just has Daddy, a man who no longer finds her attractive.
posted by quince at 11:05 AM on July 8, 2015 [24 favorites]
There's no easy way to say this, but he's using you. Yes, you have a genuine relationship and meaningful connection, but he's taking up all of the emotional space and the literal time that you could be devoting to a relationship with a partner who is connected to you, who you get along with, who you have fun with, and who is incredibly attracted to you and wants to have a passionate and fulfilling intimate relationship with you. That's just not fair and it's also not healthy. If you had no sexual desire and no attraction to him or anyone else and no future possibility of the wanting that, you may be able to argue that this is an OK arrangement, but that's not the case. Not to mention, doesn't it cut you to the bone to hear him tell you and anyone else that he'll never be attracted to you again? That he cares for you and loves spending time with you but will never find you to be alluring enough to have sex with? That's brutal.
Finally, consider what you're modeling for your child. It's important for the child to not have parents who are at each other's throats, but you're modeling a very unequal dynamic. Daddy has Mommy and also a girlfriend when he wants one, and Mommy just has Daddy, a man who no longer finds her attractive.
posted by quince at 11:05 AM on July 8, 2015 [24 favorites]
You're trying to find the way out of this that doesn't hurt, but divorce hurts. And worse, your ex is trying to convince you that you're "making a choice" that "hurts you" when he is the one being actively hurtful to you, by telling you hurtful things and stringing you along. He sounds like maybe he's not trying to gaslight you on purpose or out of malice...in fact, his suggestion of therapy sounds like maybe he is trying to guide you gently to the reality of your relationship...but the person who helps you through your breakup cannot be your ex. He's not doing good things, he's not being a good person. And even he knows it, and is trying to stop. You have to let him.
You're confused and at sea because you are fundamentally operating in denial about what has happened. What has happened to you is you got dumped; your ex husband divorced you. You're divorced. It sucks, because you still love each other and you, especially, still love him. But you're divorced. It's over. You just won't accept it.
If I stay in this sexless relationship, am I just a stop-over until he finds someone he wants to be with more?
Yes.
posted by We put our faith in Blast Hardcheese at 11:21 AM on July 8, 2015 [9 favorites]
You're confused and at sea because you are fundamentally operating in denial about what has happened. What has happened to you is you got dumped; your ex husband divorced you. You're divorced. It sucks, because you still love each other and you, especially, still love him. But you're divorced. It's over. You just won't accept it.
If I stay in this sexless relationship, am I just a stop-over until he finds someone he wants to be with more?
Yes.
posted by We put our faith in Blast Hardcheese at 11:21 AM on July 8, 2015 [9 favorites]
You're not over it. He is. And he has told you in no uncertain terms that you will never again have the relationship you once had.
He's right. Take six months away from each other. Some contact is unavoidable of course, because of your child, and at those times keep conversation business-only.
Be friends again when you are honestly and truly capable of only being friends again.
posted by feckless fecal fear mongering at 11:33 AM on July 8, 2015 [5 favorites]
He's right. Take six months away from each other. Some contact is unavoidable of course, because of your child, and at those times keep conversation business-only.
Be friends again when you are honestly and truly capable of only being friends again.
posted by feckless fecal fear mongering at 11:33 AM on July 8, 2015 [5 favorites]
Sounds like he is using you to make his transition easier. He's got everything he wants sex with new people and an emotional relationship with you. The second someone new comes along that he wants more than just sex from you'll be on the backburner.
You need to look after you, you need to set clear boundaries so things don't get confusing for your child you need to take time away and then maybe you can come back and be just friends, but right now you haven't made a break from him and you need to.
posted by wwax at 11:35 AM on July 8, 2015 [2 favorites]
You need to look after you, you need to set clear boundaries so things don't get confusing for your child you need to take time away and then maybe you can come back and be just friends, but right now you haven't made a break from him and you need to.
posted by wwax at 11:35 AM on July 8, 2015 [2 favorites]
How can I make sense of what I am doing?
The way I read it, your relationship ended, but neither of you have taken the necessary step of actually letting the other go because it's too hard and too painful. You still love him. He still loves some of you. You're settling for less than what you need and want and deserve in life. Maybe you don't think you deserve better; maybe you think you'll never find better. Maybe you're using each other to avoid dealing with your own issues that are keeping you from moving on. Maybe it's just a habit by now and you're stuck. Maybe you are pretending the crumbs of your former love are enough for you even as you starve.
I have done something like this before, and finally letting go, for real, is the one of the best decisions I ever made for myself. As I moved out of the apartment we shared, I thought I heard the doors of love, of my future, of my life slamming behind me. But really, the sound I heard was my delusion crashing down around me. It was my freedom. Freedom to live the life I wanted and deserved.
posted by kapers at 11:43 AM on July 8, 2015 [11 favorites]
The way I read it, your relationship ended, but neither of you have taken the necessary step of actually letting the other go because it's too hard and too painful. You still love him. He still loves some of you. You're settling for less than what you need and want and deserve in life. Maybe you don't think you deserve better; maybe you think you'll never find better. Maybe you're using each other to avoid dealing with your own issues that are keeping you from moving on. Maybe it's just a habit by now and you're stuck. Maybe you are pretending the crumbs of your former love are enough for you even as you starve.
I have done something like this before, and finally letting go, for real, is the one of the best decisions I ever made for myself. As I moved out of the apartment we shared, I thought I heard the doors of love, of my future, of my life slamming behind me. But really, the sound I heard was my delusion crashing down around me. It was my freedom. Freedom to live the life I wanted and deserved.
posted by kapers at 11:43 AM on July 8, 2015 [11 favorites]
I'm just weird person on the internet but:
1) This guy's behavior doesn't really speak of nobleness and awesomeness. I mean, it's not like he's a dastardly dastard, but he reads as sort of immature, not knowing what he wants; therefore, he may be a sweetheart, but he's really doing badly by you by being so available to do everything.
2) My parents didn't get divorced until I was out of the home, but boy I wished they had, for both their sakes. Because it sucks to have a sad parent. Aren't you sad when he declares "I will never have sex with her"? Because I would be, if I was still into somebody.
3) Therapy is a great idea! But without him tho.
4) Maybe have firmer boundaries, assuming you take a break, when you un-break? Maybe as a non-parent, I'm missing something, but why can't the kid have fun with mom and then fun with dad.
You know what? I reread your question and saw that he's actively soliciting your companionship for lots of things, and the arrow went from 'maybe really naive/confused guy' to 'WTH guy, leave her in peace'
posted by angrycat at 11:48 AM on July 8, 2015 [5 favorites]
1) This guy's behavior doesn't really speak of nobleness and awesomeness. I mean, it's not like he's a dastardly dastard, but he reads as sort of immature, not knowing what he wants; therefore, he may be a sweetheart, but he's really doing badly by you by being so available to do everything.
2) My parents didn't get divorced until I was out of the home, but boy I wished they had, for both their sakes. Because it sucks to have a sad parent. Aren't you sad when he declares "I will never have sex with her"? Because I would be, if I was still into somebody.
3) Therapy is a great idea! But without him tho.
4) Maybe have firmer boundaries, assuming you take a break, when you un-break? Maybe as a non-parent, I'm missing something, but why can't the kid have fun with mom and then fun with dad.
You know what? I reread your question and saw that he's actively soliciting your companionship for lots of things, and the arrow went from 'maybe really naive/confused guy' to 'WTH guy, leave her in peace'
posted by angrycat at 11:48 AM on July 8, 2015 [5 favorites]
Have you considered that the reason you want to be around him so much is that you don't want him to move on? I mean it just worked with his current girlfriend??
I know other sexless relationships; is that a possibility?
I want to have sex in my life.
he is not physically attracted to me and says he never will be again
If I was a robot my head would explode from how hard this does not compute. He CLEARLY wants you to move on and give him more space, but he's not being very aggressive about it. You CLEARLY are hung up on him and don't' want to move on at all.
If your marriage was on the rocks I'd understand your level of confusion and a sense that maybe this can come around but you are divorced. This person is being exceptionally clear with you that they don't want to be in a romantic relationship with you.
Am I making a mistake? I think so. This doesn't seem to be a road that leads to happiness.
Am I just a stop-over until he finds someone he wants to be with more? No. You're his friend, ex-wife and co-parent. You are not a stop-over because you are not involved in that part of his life. You are not in a romantic relationship with this person.
posted by French Fry at 12:32 PM on July 8, 2015 [4 favorites]
I know other sexless relationships; is that a possibility?
I want to have sex in my life.
he is not physically attracted to me and says he never will be again
If I was a robot my head would explode from how hard this does not compute. He CLEARLY wants you to move on and give him more space, but he's not being very aggressive about it. You CLEARLY are hung up on him and don't' want to move on at all.
If your marriage was on the rocks I'd understand your level of confusion and a sense that maybe this can come around but you are divorced. This person is being exceptionally clear with you that they don't want to be in a romantic relationship with you.
Am I making a mistake? I think so. This doesn't seem to be a road that leads to happiness.
Am I just a stop-over until he finds someone he wants to be with more? No. You're his friend, ex-wife and co-parent. You are not a stop-over because you are not involved in that part of his life. You are not in a romantic relationship with this person.
posted by French Fry at 12:32 PM on July 8, 2015 [4 favorites]
What a tough situation. It feels like it would be easier if you were truly estranged, doesn't it?
You will always be in each other's lives as long as you share this child together. And it's so easy to think that you could give it another go and maybe everything can work out, you're older and wiser, you know what's at stake.
So, let me remind you of two things:
1. You got divorced for a reason. Many huge reasons, I'm sure. Keep those in the forefront of your mind when you get weak and want to take his hand.
2. Your ex-husband is a grown man and you can't change him. He has made his choices in life, and his actions tell you exactly how he feels about you.
My therapist said there's a rule of thumb that it takes a year of healing for every five years of marriage. In my experience that's a minimum. Give it time, and protect yourself until then.
posted by Dragonness at 1:33 PM on July 8, 2015 [1 favorite]
You will always be in each other's lives as long as you share this child together. And it's so easy to think that you could give it another go and maybe everything can work out, you're older and wiser, you know what's at stake.
So, let me remind you of two things:
1. You got divorced for a reason. Many huge reasons, I'm sure. Keep those in the forefront of your mind when you get weak and want to take his hand.
2. Your ex-husband is a grown man and you can't change him. He has made his choices in life, and his actions tell you exactly how he feels about you.
My therapist said there's a rule of thumb that it takes a year of healing for every five years of marriage. In my experience that's a minimum. Give it time, and protect yourself until then.
posted by Dragonness at 1:33 PM on July 8, 2015 [1 favorite]
Divorcing someone you love is a horrible, painful, soul-destroying thing because it makes no sense in your head. Your brain is fighting hard to make some kind of sense of this situation. You're not thinking "I love him and I like him but he won't have sex with me - we can't be together." You're thinking "I love him and I like him but he won't have sex with me - a sexless marriage might be an option." It's completely understandable because that way at least you get to hang on to something. But, I'm sorry, denying yourself your sexuality, and with a man you're sexually attracted to, is death by a thousand cuts.
I'm so sorry you're feeling stuck like this. He really is right that you need a clean break for a while to get out of this limbo where you're nearly-married. Find a good therapist who you can cry your eyes out to and rage and despair because it fucking sucks. Admit it and try and accept it, and realise you deserve to be loved for all of you, not in spite of the part that someone doesn't want. It's not his fault he doesn't want a physical relationship, it's not your fault you do. But there will be a person who wants you and who you want right back and you'll realise that living a whole relationship makes you happier than living a shadow one ever could. Take good care of yourself and be patient.
posted by billiebee at 1:45 PM on July 8, 2015 [1 favorite]
I'm so sorry you're feeling stuck like this. He really is right that you need a clean break for a while to get out of this limbo where you're nearly-married. Find a good therapist who you can cry your eyes out to and rage and despair because it fucking sucks. Admit it and try and accept it, and realise you deserve to be loved for all of you, not in spite of the part that someone doesn't want. It's not his fault he doesn't want a physical relationship, it's not your fault you do. But there will be a person who wants you and who you want right back and you'll realise that living a whole relationship makes you happier than living a shadow one ever could. Take good care of yourself and be patient.
posted by billiebee at 1:45 PM on July 8, 2015 [1 favorite]
Do encourage him to get therapy. What he is doing to you is wrong to the point of being evil. Someone needs to explain this to him. It doesn't sound like he ever grew up. He sounds unbelievably selfish while, at the same time, charming to be around. Google narcissistic personality disorder and read carefully.
posted by myselfasme at 1:59 PM on July 8, 2015
posted by myselfasme at 1:59 PM on July 8, 2015
I had to stop reading other comments--so many of them are purely speculative that they come across as, I don't know, unnecessarily harsh?
My husband was previously married to a woman. I'm a man. They had kids who were young when my husband came out, moved out, and started treading into his new social life as an unmarried gay man. I showed up around the same time that his ex also started dating. We're now very, very far down that road from the initial divorce, and the hindsight perspective is--very bluntly--people are very complex and we tend to develop complex relationships despite always wanting to have a simplistic narrative.
In our version of this tale, my husband realized his sexuality late in life and that resolved a very long period of his confusion over feeling like an inadequate lover to his wife. She still wanted to be with him, perhaps more emotionally than physically, but had also taken on lovers of her own during the period when they were married, all ostensibly secret but they nevertheless were found out. Even though my husband was no longer interested in his wife sexually, this experience hurt him deeply. Likewise, his ex felt like their divorce robbed her of her closet emotional companion. With the kids involved, everyone agreed early on to be convivial at all costs, and... frankly I'm glad we did. We all get along great (within reason), we have shared property, we have three lovely kids who have two biological parents and two step-parents. The divorce agreement spells out the terms of the partition, and we use our collective humanity to be as flexible about the terms of the agreement as possible.
You're only now a year out of your divorce, and you, too, experienced this kind of unequal parting: you parted because each of you had different or changing needs and interests in certain areas. It's going to take all of you some time to stablize, but you'll stabilize. There's an equilibrium that you'll find (especially since it sounds like you both get along much better than your average couple in the immediate period after a split). Be patient with yourself, and yourselves. Almost any therapist will remind you that there's no set rule about how you structure your lives after a divorce, and that trying to force some specific arrangement rather than openly, honestly discussing your options might end up making you all feel worse.
It feels a bit trite for me to advise you to just take it slow and see what opportunities and feelings arise in the next year or two, but that's good advice that I wish I'd heard when I first found myself in a similar situation. And trust me, people will have no shortage of advice and venom to offer you along the way. It's not their game, it's yours. Play it as you see fit.
posted by late afternoon dreaming hotel at 2:17 PM on July 8, 2015 [7 favorites]
My husband was previously married to a woman. I'm a man. They had kids who were young when my husband came out, moved out, and started treading into his new social life as an unmarried gay man. I showed up around the same time that his ex also started dating. We're now very, very far down that road from the initial divorce, and the hindsight perspective is--very bluntly--people are very complex and we tend to develop complex relationships despite always wanting to have a simplistic narrative.
In our version of this tale, my husband realized his sexuality late in life and that resolved a very long period of his confusion over feeling like an inadequate lover to his wife. She still wanted to be with him, perhaps more emotionally than physically, but had also taken on lovers of her own during the period when they were married, all ostensibly secret but they nevertheless were found out. Even though my husband was no longer interested in his wife sexually, this experience hurt him deeply. Likewise, his ex felt like their divorce robbed her of her closet emotional companion. With the kids involved, everyone agreed early on to be convivial at all costs, and... frankly I'm glad we did. We all get along great (within reason), we have shared property, we have three lovely kids who have two biological parents and two step-parents. The divorce agreement spells out the terms of the partition, and we use our collective humanity to be as flexible about the terms of the agreement as possible.
You're only now a year out of your divorce, and you, too, experienced this kind of unequal parting: you parted because each of you had different or changing needs and interests in certain areas. It's going to take all of you some time to stablize, but you'll stabilize. There's an equilibrium that you'll find (especially since it sounds like you both get along much better than your average couple in the immediate period after a split). Be patient with yourself, and yourselves. Almost any therapist will remind you that there's no set rule about how you structure your lives after a divorce, and that trying to force some specific arrangement rather than openly, honestly discussing your options might end up making you all feel worse.
It feels a bit trite for me to advise you to just take it slow and see what opportunities and feelings arise in the next year or two, but that's good advice that I wish I'd heard when I first found myself in a similar situation. And trust me, people will have no shortage of advice and venom to offer you along the way. It's not their game, it's yours. Play it as you see fit.
posted by late afternoon dreaming hotel at 2:17 PM on July 8, 2015 [7 favorites]
It is pretty normal to have confused feelings following separation/divorce, and your loving and responsible attitudes to your child make this worse because that brings you together regularly. The advice above about remembering why you divorced in the first place is good advice, and the platform for you to move on - slowly and painfully probably. That worked for me at least, but it was painful and not nearly as fast as I would have liked, more like two steps forward, one back, rinse and repeat.
It's all about choice, and making good decisions about your life. It is not clear what part your choice played in the divorce, but it is crystal clear from your description that your ex is going to stay 'ex' - he has made his decision. Your life choices are now in your hands, and they will be the better for it if you use your head, as well as your heart, in making them.
I would be careful about a FWB situation for you, the regular physical intimacy with one person is highly likely to lead to emotional involvement, if you want sex casual may be the way to go at this stage of your emotional life.
If you decide that you need to move on from him emotionally, it will be important that you cut contact to what is necessary for your child.
posted by GeeEmm at 2:56 PM on July 8, 2015 [1 favorite]
It's all about choice, and making good decisions about your life. It is not clear what part your choice played in the divorce, but it is crystal clear from your description that your ex is going to stay 'ex' - he has made his decision. Your life choices are now in your hands, and they will be the better for it if you use your head, as well as your heart, in making them.
I would be careful about a FWB situation for you, the regular physical intimacy with one person is highly likely to lead to emotional involvement, if you want sex casual may be the way to go at this stage of your emotional life.
If you decide that you need to move on from him emotionally, it will be important that you cut contact to what is necessary for your child.
posted by GeeEmm at 2:56 PM on July 8, 2015 [1 favorite]
You're trying to find the way out of this that doesn't hurt
Similar to a couple of answers above, but the times when I've felt the most stuck, numb and unmotivated to make change, is when there is no way out that won't hurt, and I'm refusing to consider the ones that do as options.
Often, there is no way that won't hurt, and equally often, the best way is often the one that, at least initially, will hurt the most.
Not too be too hyperbolic about it, but I think a big part of why things like 127 hours resonate with people is that, despite being a very extreme example, it's a situation people can really relate to. You can stay where you are, chained to something that's sucking the life out of you ( painful ), or you can set yourself free ( incredibly painful ). Both options suck. The thing about the second option is that while it will hurt unbelievably, you're not actually losing anything you haven't already lost. You're letting go of something you lost a while back.
posted by Jon Mitchell at 5:16 PM on July 8, 2015 [14 favorites]
Similar to a couple of answers above, but the times when I've felt the most stuck, numb and unmotivated to make change, is when there is no way out that won't hurt, and I'm refusing to consider the ones that do as options.
Often, there is no way that won't hurt, and equally often, the best way is often the one that, at least initially, will hurt the most.
Not too be too hyperbolic about it, but I think a big part of why things like 127 hours resonate with people is that, despite being a very extreme example, it's a situation people can really relate to. You can stay where you are, chained to something that's sucking the life out of you ( painful ), or you can set yourself free ( incredibly painful ). Both options suck. The thing about the second option is that while it will hurt unbelievably, you're not actually losing anything you haven't already lost. You're letting go of something you lost a while back.
posted by Jon Mitchell at 5:16 PM on July 8, 2015 [14 favorites]
He thinks I should take a 6 month break from him
He is right, you should do this. And probably longer than 6 months.
You'll know you're ready to try to start a friendship again when you truly feel joy at the thought of him with a different sexual partner. Not superficial wincing of telling yourself how you want to feel. Genuine joy on his behalf. The kind friends feel for each other.
so that I will make a decision that will not hurt me
There is no decision here that won't hurt. That's why you're posting.
Your options are to prolong the hurt -- as long as you want -- or shorten and sharpen it. I recommend the latter, but having been in many unrequited-attraction situations I know how hard this is and don't blame you for feeling stuck. Understand, though, that if you don't break yourself out of it you can torture yourself with this for years.
I'm sorry.
posted by ead at 9:54 PM on July 8, 2015
He is right, you should do this. And probably longer than 6 months.
You'll know you're ready to try to start a friendship again when you truly feel joy at the thought of him with a different sexual partner. Not superficial wincing of telling yourself how you want to feel. Genuine joy on his behalf. The kind friends feel for each other.
so that I will make a decision that will not hurt me
There is no decision here that won't hurt. That's why you're posting.
Your options are to prolong the hurt -- as long as you want -- or shorten and sharpen it. I recommend the latter, but having been in many unrequited-attraction situations I know how hard this is and don't blame you for feeling stuck. Understand, though, that if you don't break yourself out of it you can torture yourself with this for years.
I'm sorry.
posted by ead at 9:54 PM on July 8, 2015
It doesn't sound like you want a sexless relationship, but that you want him and that sexual relationship with him. Despite the relationship being over, you haven't emotionally disentangled yourself. It's really hard when you get on quite well as friends, have great conversations and do things together - it's almost like you are still in that relationship. Except for the fact that he doesn't want you. And that is the stupidly unfair unchangeable thing.
This all sounds incredibly familiar; I've been in a similar place with my ex, though at least we did not have the added complication of shared parenthood and a child requiring interaction. I went through quite a while of thinking I was okay with this kind of sexless companionship. It wasn't until my ex started seeing someone else that I realised how not-okay I was and eventually went no contact for about 6 months. Now we are friends again (still?) and catch up every couple of weeks, sometimes a bit more often. I really have disentangled myself emotionally, though if you would like to commiserate about the pain of someone who once wanted you very much and then stopped, feel free to MeMail me.
Because of your child, you'll need to stay in contact and be able to be friendly and pleasant with each other. But don't settle for a sexless relationship if what you want is sex and love and everything from the same person, which is a totally realistic and sensible thing to want. Nothing is going to change the fact that you and your ex had an amazing relationship. But it is different now, and you need to let it be different. I think that the easiest way of untangling all those messy emotions is a period of no (or little) contact (I was once very skeptical of this but yes, I do think it helps) to actually give yourself the space and time to realise what life is like without him.
posted by Athanassiel at 9:57 PM on July 8, 2015 [2 favorites]
This all sounds incredibly familiar; I've been in a similar place with my ex, though at least we did not have the added complication of shared parenthood and a child requiring interaction. I went through quite a while of thinking I was okay with this kind of sexless companionship. It wasn't until my ex started seeing someone else that I realised how not-okay I was and eventually went no contact for about 6 months. Now we are friends again (still?) and catch up every couple of weeks, sometimes a bit more often. I really have disentangled myself emotionally, though if you would like to commiserate about the pain of someone who once wanted you very much and then stopped, feel free to MeMail me.
Because of your child, you'll need to stay in contact and be able to be friendly and pleasant with each other. But don't settle for a sexless relationship if what you want is sex and love and everything from the same person, which is a totally realistic and sensible thing to want. Nothing is going to change the fact that you and your ex had an amazing relationship. But it is different now, and you need to let it be different. I think that the easiest way of untangling all those messy emotions is a period of no (or little) contact (I was once very skeptical of this but yes, I do think it helps) to actually give yourself the space and time to realise what life is like without him.
posted by Athanassiel at 9:57 PM on July 8, 2015 [2 favorites]
I think a sexless relationship only works if that's what both people want . It sounds like you want to have sex with him and he wants to find someone else that he wants to have sex with and this is a recipe for future hurt.
Sometimes it feels easier to hang on to the crumbs when the person you want can't give you the full loaf, but there will come a time when holding on to this "friendship" is more painful than letting go. That is not to say you can never be friends, but I think you need a period of "no contact" (other than what is essential for your child) in order to move on. You will be more likely to have a successful friendship in the end if you do this.
posted by intensitymultiply at 2:46 AM on July 9, 2015
Sometimes it feels easier to hang on to the crumbs when the person you want can't give you the full loaf, but there will come a time when holding on to this "friendship" is more painful than letting go. That is not to say you can never be friends, but I think you need a period of "no contact" (other than what is essential for your child) in order to move on. You will be more likely to have a successful friendship in the end if you do this.
posted by intensitymultiply at 2:46 AM on July 9, 2015
How can I make sense of what I am doing?
Therapy by yourself. You mentioned that you wanted to go to therapy with your ex. I would only view that as appropriate, in your current circumstances, is if it was a family matter that involved your kid. The cold fact is, there is no more "you and him". You guys are co-parents now and, if he has his way, a nice little buddy to hang out with in between actual romantic relationships. If you want to just sit around and be a future option for him, that speaks to incredibly poor self-esteem on your part.
I know other sexless relationships; is that a possibility?
Why would you want this? Don't you want more?
Am I making a mistake?
Yes, you are. You sound like the classic divorced person that hasn't done anything to actually move on. Find a support group to help you along. There are plenty available, both on line and in person. You shouldn't want to be an option for someone when you should be seeking someone that will make you their priority.
If I stay in this sexless relationship, am I just a stop-over until he finds someone he wants to be with more?
Yes, you are. Sorry that you find yourself in this spot.
He's telling you EXACTLY who he is here. You should listen to him.
posted by PsuDab93 at 9:57 AM on July 9, 2015
Therapy by yourself. You mentioned that you wanted to go to therapy with your ex. I would only view that as appropriate, in your current circumstances, is if it was a family matter that involved your kid. The cold fact is, there is no more "you and him". You guys are co-parents now and, if he has his way, a nice little buddy to hang out with in between actual romantic relationships. If you want to just sit around and be a future option for him, that speaks to incredibly poor self-esteem on your part.
I know other sexless relationships; is that a possibility?
Why would you want this? Don't you want more?
Am I making a mistake?
Yes, you are. You sound like the classic divorced person that hasn't done anything to actually move on. Find a support group to help you along. There are plenty available, both on line and in person. You shouldn't want to be an option for someone when you should be seeking someone that will make you their priority.
If I stay in this sexless relationship, am I just a stop-over until he finds someone he wants to be with more?
Yes, you are. Sorry that you find yourself in this spot.
He's telling you EXACTLY who he is here. You should listen to him.
posted by PsuDab93 at 9:57 AM on July 9, 2015
I don’t know how old your child is, but if you are at a time in your life when most of your energy/ focus is spent on parenting, maintaining an emotionally intimate relationship with your co-parent isn’t a bad idea even if it’s not viable in the long term. For it to work without destroying you, however, you need to admit that it’s not going to last forever.
If this situation is working well enough (obviously not perfectly, but well enough) for you now, you don’t HAVE to end it. But if it’s hurting you, or if you’ll feel in the future like you “wasted time” not dating now, move on sooner rather than later. A six-month break from emotional reliance on your ex will really help (but also be incredibly hard to maintain since you’ll need to interact as co-parents).
posted by metasarah at 10:44 AM on July 9, 2015
If this situation is working well enough (obviously not perfectly, but well enough) for you now, you don’t HAVE to end it. But if it’s hurting you, or if you’ll feel in the future like you “wasted time” not dating now, move on sooner rather than later. A six-month break from emotional reliance on your ex will really help (but also be incredibly hard to maintain since you’ll need to interact as co-parents).
posted by metasarah at 10:44 AM on July 9, 2015
I wish you had said how old your child is, as that impacts a lot of the logistics, but really it's all window dressing.
You want a thing/situation you cannot have, period. Can you be happy with an alternate almost thing? Maybe, maybe not. People come up with all sorts of non-traditional structures. All that's required is that you both agree to it (and probably additional people agree to it, since you want a sex life and your ex is never going to have one with you again).
So yeah, go to the counseling. Maybe you want to find one who deals with more non-traditional family structures/is poly-friendly, whatever. Else you may just get someone telling you more things that go under your "I won't" categories. It seems like you're not going to listen to those things so why pay someone to say them to you?
But at some point you have to accept the strictures you cannot control. At some point you're going to have to accept the current uncertain equilibrium as being as close to your ideal as you are ever going to get, as well as the probability that he will again start sleeping with someone else. Who may demand more of his focus and may actually get it.
A lot of people - including me, really - think you should rip off the band aid and move on. But at the very least you should take actions to help you accept that this is as good as it gets and probably it's going to get worse from your perspective. Go work on making that landing less unpleasant.
posted by phearlez at 11:30 AM on July 9, 2015 [1 favorite]
You want a thing/situation you cannot have, period. Can you be happy with an alternate almost thing? Maybe, maybe not. People come up with all sorts of non-traditional structures. All that's required is that you both agree to it (and probably additional people agree to it, since you want a sex life and your ex is never going to have one with you again).
So yeah, go to the counseling. Maybe you want to find one who deals with more non-traditional family structures/is poly-friendly, whatever. Else you may just get someone telling you more things that go under your "I won't" categories. It seems like you're not going to listen to those things so why pay someone to say them to you?
But at some point you have to accept the strictures you cannot control. At some point you're going to have to accept the current uncertain equilibrium as being as close to your ideal as you are ever going to get, as well as the probability that he will again start sleeping with someone else. Who may demand more of his focus and may actually get it.
A lot of people - including me, really - think you should rip off the band aid and move on. But at the very least you should take actions to help you accept that this is as good as it gets and probably it's going to get worse from your perspective. Go work on making that landing less unpleasant.
posted by phearlez at 11:30 AM on July 9, 2015 [1 favorite]
Just to put a different perspective out there...
"The problem is that he is not physically attracted to me and says he never will be again. Of course, I still am attracted to him. [...] In retrospect, I believe he has not been physically attracted to me for a long time, yet continued to feel the emotional connection. "
And this answer is predicated on the assumption that Ex *was* physically attracted to you at one time - attracted enough to have sex with you, marry you, conceive a child with you.
How or why did Ex lose his physical attraction to you?
Did you gain weight? Change your hair color or style? Change your style of dress?
Did you stop doing certain activities in bed, or deny a sexual fantasy of his? Did you become a doormat, accepting what he chose to give you? Did you reject his sexual advances repeatedly, before or after childbirth, to the point where he internalized it as rejecting him and his needs personally? Did you become a dependent, a stay-at-home mother when he would have preferred that you worked? Or vice-versa?
Are there concrete steps you could make to reverse any changes that decreased his attraction to you?
And, can you take those steps, knowing that while it may reawaken his physical desire for you, there is also the chance that it may not?
Because I don't see any way for you to retain a healthy full physically & emotionally connected relationship with him without reigniting his physical attraction to you. And that's simply not within your control, although there may be changes you can make or actions you can take that might influence it.
posted by Ardea alba at 9:37 AM on July 10, 2015
"The problem is that he is not physically attracted to me and says he never will be again. Of course, I still am attracted to him. [...] In retrospect, I believe he has not been physically attracted to me for a long time, yet continued to feel the emotional connection. "
And this answer is predicated on the assumption that Ex *was* physically attracted to you at one time - attracted enough to have sex with you, marry you, conceive a child with you.
How or why did Ex lose his physical attraction to you?
Did you gain weight? Change your hair color or style? Change your style of dress?
Did you stop doing certain activities in bed, or deny a sexual fantasy of his? Did you become a doormat, accepting what he chose to give you? Did you reject his sexual advances repeatedly, before or after childbirth, to the point where he internalized it as rejecting him and his needs personally? Did you become a dependent, a stay-at-home mother when he would have preferred that you worked? Or vice-versa?
Are there concrete steps you could make to reverse any changes that decreased his attraction to you?
And, can you take those steps, knowing that while it may reawaken his physical desire for you, there is also the chance that it may not?
Because I don't see any way for you to retain a healthy full physically & emotionally connected relationship with him without reigniting his physical attraction to you. And that's simply not within your control, although there may be changes you can make or actions you can take that might influence it.
posted by Ardea alba at 9:37 AM on July 10, 2015
This thread is closed to new comments.
posted by SkylitDrawl at 10:19 AM on July 8, 2015 [16 favorites]