Poly to mono?
October 27, 2012 6:44 PM Subscribe
Polyamorous, yet want to focus on one person right now. How to tell the others? Is this even normal or should I start re-evaluating my orientation?
I'm polyamorous (or so I thought for the past couple years), female, and have been dating multiple people for a couple of years after a long monogamous relationship that didn't work out because I fell for someone else (as happened before). I thought poly was the answer, but maybe not.
One lover has had staying power for the whole two years. Over the past couple of years, we've been each other's closest friend and lover. Both of us have had about a half-dozen other involvements in that time but neither of us has managed to feel a deep connection with any of them. He has called himself a serial monogamist who isn't the jealous type.
Our relationship has deepened. We both just sort of stopped being interested in other people over the past few months. We didn't formalize it, but we've both said we don't really want anyone else at the moment.
A couple of nights ago, I met up with someone after work (to discuss a work issue) but it was a time when my sweetie wanted to see me, and he seemed jealous until the next day when I explained why I had been meeting this other person instead (we didn't have plans, but generally I see him after work most nights).
He doesn't think of himself as the jealous type, but it seemed like he was to me. (He has tried to downplay the incident). I love him, and I don't want or need anyone else...not that I can't love more than one person, I just don't right now.
However, a casual lover from the poly community is in town this coming week. I set up a date with him for a few days from now, before this incident. We've only hooked up three times, over the course of four months. But he's really cool, and I want to deal with him and my primary lover respectfully.
Should I meet my more casual friend out as we planned and tell him in person that I'm just focusing on my other lover right now? Or should I send him a Facebook message or text? A phone call isn't an option as my phone will be off until after our date was planned for.
Should I make a big deal of this to my main partner? He'll probably insist he's not jealous and that I should do what I want. My intuition tells me otherwise, though, and I have decided it just isn't worth the strain it puts on our relationship.
I'm polyamorous (or so I thought for the past couple years), female, and have been dating multiple people for a couple of years after a long monogamous relationship that didn't work out because I fell for someone else (as happened before). I thought poly was the answer, but maybe not.
One lover has had staying power for the whole two years. Over the past couple of years, we've been each other's closest friend and lover. Both of us have had about a half-dozen other involvements in that time but neither of us has managed to feel a deep connection with any of them. He has called himself a serial monogamist who isn't the jealous type.
Our relationship has deepened. We both just sort of stopped being interested in other people over the past few months. We didn't formalize it, but we've both said we don't really want anyone else at the moment.
A couple of nights ago, I met up with someone after work (to discuss a work issue) but it was a time when my sweetie wanted to see me, and he seemed jealous until the next day when I explained why I had been meeting this other person instead (we didn't have plans, but generally I see him after work most nights).
He doesn't think of himself as the jealous type, but it seemed like he was to me. (He has tried to downplay the incident). I love him, and I don't want or need anyone else...not that I can't love more than one person, I just don't right now.
However, a casual lover from the poly community is in town this coming week. I set up a date with him for a few days from now, before this incident. We've only hooked up three times, over the course of four months. But he's really cool, and I want to deal with him and my primary lover respectfully.
Should I meet my more casual friend out as we planned and tell him in person that I'm just focusing on my other lover right now? Or should I send him a Facebook message or text? A phone call isn't an option as my phone will be off until after our date was planned for.
Should I make a big deal of this to my main partner? He'll probably insist he's not jealous and that I should do what I want. My intuition tells me otherwise, though, and I have decided it just isn't worth the strain it puts on our relationship.
I disagree with Flood; if the casual partner has enough forewarning, he may want to make different arrangements. I'd at least let him know about the change in romantic plans as soon as possible and if he still just wants to platonically meet up, sure, but if he'd prefer not to it should be his call.
posted by vegartanipla at 7:54 PM on October 27, 2012 [4 favorites]
posted by vegartanipla at 7:54 PM on October 27, 2012 [4 favorites]
There's nothing especially weird here, and you're not doing anything wrong or icky.
So to keep that record clean, just tell everyone everything, and you're golden.
In person, yes.
posted by rokusan at 7:59 PM on October 27, 2012
So to keep that record clean, just tell everyone everything, and you're golden.
In person, yes.
posted by rokusan at 7:59 PM on October 27, 2012
How about keeping the date but sending -ahead of time- a message saying "um, I'm so very into special_lover that I think this won't be a sex play date". Kinda like the above couple comments, yah, but it depends on the emotional depth of the connection and you have to decide that.
posted by jet_silver at 8:00 PM on October 27, 2012 [1 favorite]
posted by jet_silver at 8:00 PM on October 27, 2012 [1 favorite]
Since it sounds like you are on good terms with the more casual partner and it is nothing they have done, letting them know as nicely as possible, as soon as possible that you aren't really up for a hook up would be the polite thing to do.
Since your primary lover isn't asking you to be monogamous, if it were me, I don't think I would bring this up in a fashion that could be construed as "their fault" because of seeming jealous. I think I would bring it up as "I would rather not at this time". When people's feelings change, it can be hard to come to terms with it and hard to define. I would give it time.
I had an open relationship with a man I knew primarily online. He was good to me and over time I just gradually stopped spending time with other men because compared to him they just seemed like jerks after a while. If he had asked me to dump other people, I would not have. I got to experience a sense of loyalty to him and that gave me my answer as to why my marriage never worked: My marriage was monogamy as prison, as an edict of Thou Shalt Not, not really an expectation that we will both be good to each other. Having had that sense of "I want only you" when monogamy was not required, I think I have some hope of someday working out the happily monogamous thing. Perhaps you are experiencing something similar.
Good luck.
posted by Michele in California at 8:12 PM on October 27, 2012 [1 favorite]
Since your primary lover isn't asking you to be monogamous, if it were me, I don't think I would bring this up in a fashion that could be construed as "their fault" because of seeming jealous. I think I would bring it up as "I would rather not at this time". When people's feelings change, it can be hard to come to terms with it and hard to define. I would give it time.
I had an open relationship with a man I knew primarily online. He was good to me and over time I just gradually stopped spending time with other men because compared to him they just seemed like jerks after a while. If he had asked me to dump other people, I would not have. I got to experience a sense of loyalty to him and that gave me my answer as to why my marriage never worked: My marriage was monogamy as prison, as an edict of Thou Shalt Not, not really an expectation that we will both be good to each other. Having had that sense of "I want only you" when monogamy was not required, I think I have some hope of someday working out the happily monogamous thing. Perhaps you are experiencing something similar.
Good luck.
posted by Michele in California at 8:12 PM on October 27, 2012 [1 favorite]
"I'm looking forward to spending time with you, but I'd prefer a platonic evening to a romantic one. Is that cool with you? My feelings won't be hurt if you'd rather make other plans."
posted by itesser at 8:37 PM on October 27, 2012 [14 favorites]
posted by itesser at 8:37 PM on October 27, 2012 [14 favorites]
This is a social problem, not a sexual one. You have plans with someone, you need to change the plans, and it is polite to let them know as early as possible. It doesn't make any difference if the plans are for the movies or for the bedroom.
Should I make a big deal of this to my main partner? He'll probably insist he's not jealous and that I should do what I want. My intuition tells me otherwise, though, and I have decided it just isn't worth the strain it puts on our relationship.
You know this is a giant red flag, right? Poly relationships require more communication and more honesty than mono ones to function. It's normal to have a primary relationship and to make adjustments, including evolving to monogamy, to make that relationship work. But if that's what's happening, you two need to renegotiate, not take guesses as to what is going on.
posted by DarlingBri at 12:37 AM on October 28, 2012 [3 favorites]
Should I make a big deal of this to my main partner? He'll probably insist he's not jealous and that I should do what I want. My intuition tells me otherwise, though, and I have decided it just isn't worth the strain it puts on our relationship.
You know this is a giant red flag, right? Poly relationships require more communication and more honesty than mono ones to function. It's normal to have a primary relationship and to make adjustments, including evolving to monogamy, to make that relationship work. But if that's what's happening, you two need to renegotiate, not take guesses as to what is going on.
posted by DarlingBri at 12:37 AM on October 28, 2012 [3 favorites]
DarlingBri is right. The one and only real poly 'rule' is honesty and forthrightness from everybody involved at all times. If you're having communication issues like these, the communication issues are really vital to work on, above and beyond all else.
posted by kalapierson at 6:00 AM on October 28, 2012
posted by kalapierson at 6:00 AM on October 28, 2012
There are lots more phones than your cell. Use them.
posted by Ironmouth at 7:38 AM on October 28, 2012 [3 favorites]
posted by Ironmouth at 7:38 AM on October 28, 2012 [3 favorites]
If casual partner is coming specifically to hook up with you, tell them immediately. It'd be shitty if they came all the way out when all along you knew it wasn't going to happen.
But you need to be honest with yourself and what you want. Be open with yourself and be open with your partners. If your primary partner is lying about being jealous, then I don't even know what to say to that. It's not cool for him to do that and it puts you in an awkward position of having to be a psychic. If he can't communicate, then being poly with him just won't work.
posted by inturnaround at 8:34 AM on October 28, 2012
But you need to be honest with yourself and what you want. Be open with yourself and be open with your partners. If your primary partner is lying about being jealous, then I don't even know what to say to that. It's not cool for him to do that and it puts you in an awkward position of having to be a psychic. If he can't communicate, then being poly with him just won't work.
posted by inturnaround at 8:34 AM on October 28, 2012
Adding to what itesser said above, that plus, "I'm happy to talk about it if you like," or something. Then it's less like you're imposing a decision on the person unilaterally (even though you are) and more like they have some participation/involvement in what's happening, and they can discuss the situation and be heard. Also I think the important thing is to let the person know as soon as possible, even if that's by text, rather than waiting. Really the best time to let them know is immediately.
posted by kellybird at 9:11 AM on October 28, 2012
posted by kellybird at 9:11 AM on October 28, 2012
This thread is closed to new comments.
posted by Flood at 7:46 PM on October 27, 2012 [2 favorites]