wandering into a poly mess! i'm down
June 11, 2010 8:23 PM Subscribe
A couple for me, poly for her -- how does entering into somebody else's polyamorous context 'work'?
posted by anonymous to human relations (10 answers total) 4 users marked this as a favorite
I have kept up a wonderful fling while abroad for the past couple of months. Sex in beautiful places, long train rides. Yes, insta-romantic context, for sure, but the balance and openness and playfulness are getting to be more than just fling-variety. I care about her, to the degree that I'm willing to wander into some potentially hurtful new territory just to see how close we can get. She brought up the potential of seeing ourselves as '[gendermarker]-friends' kind of unexpectedly, and I kind of expectedly feel totally down.
The thing that makes it crazy is that she is romantically invested in two other people right now. One is a girl who she seems to love deeply, and I accept as part of the package deal of caring about her. The other is that girl's boyfriend, who invited SO into their relationship. This part is harder to accept -- clearly she has issues with him, he is older than their combined age and a minor cultural figure of famed sensitivity (ha I may have my own bone to pick with him..) He knows about and has anxieties re: me, and that's a source of tension for them. Her attitude: 'if he can't get over it, I know now and will just be involved with N. and you.' I should stress that she's also confused and just going along for the ride of current emotional bizarreness, and hadn't done or considered poly before.
I guess I would love to hear from people who found themselves in someone else's messy poly context before. How should I manage my own expectations? How do I check my homewrecker instincts/respect what's there, and at the same time, respect the fact that I deserve someone's (full?) attention and love?
I tend to enter into committed, vanilla/traditionalist relationships more for my partner's benefit (or anticipating it) than my own. So I'm not afraid to be led by my own desire/affection/curiosity into something new and bizarre, and certainly don't want to turn either of our wandering spirits into the archetypes of monogamy. I just want to hear a little perspective on this aspect of poly, as I have so little experience with it. Especially as we have talked about returning home, cooking for each other and smoking a joint in each others' houses, watching horror movies, etc., I want to understand how this could 'work' in the future, and prepare myself to the extent that is necessary (while still living in the moment/going with what's good/etc, yeah yeah I know!) Please inform me, mefi.