What to do if you can't help overhear a private conversation about you?
May 6, 2012 5:25 PM Subscribe
What are you supposed to do if you can hear a private conversation between two people and the conversation is about you?
For example, at work in an open office setting where I'm sitting at my desk or if you are renting an apartment in a house and the landlords are talking about you in another room of the house? In both cases, I'm located in my own space so it's not like I'm trying to eavesdrop on the conversation.
Is there an etiquette you're supposed to follow in these situations?
Am I supposed to say something to these people to make them aware that I can hear them talking about me? How exactly do I bring it up? When?
Am I supposed to mind my own business and keep my mouth shut? What if I can't help overhearing the conversation? This is what I've been trying to do, but it doesn't seem like a good solution because what happens if you overhear the conversation and they discover later that you've heard their conversation about you? Then the people who had the conversation think you're a creep or worse.
Anybody have some ideas about what to do in this situation?
For example, at work in an open office setting where I'm sitting at my desk or if you are renting an apartment in a house and the landlords are talking about you in another room of the house? In both cases, I'm located in my own space so it's not like I'm trying to eavesdrop on the conversation.
Is there an etiquette you're supposed to follow in these situations?
Am I supposed to say something to these people to make them aware that I can hear them talking about me? How exactly do I bring it up? When?
Am I supposed to mind my own business and keep my mouth shut? What if I can't help overhearing the conversation? This is what I've been trying to do, but it doesn't seem like a good solution because what happens if you overhear the conversation and they discover later that you've heard their conversation about you? Then the people who had the conversation think you're a creep or worse.
Anybody have some ideas about what to do in this situation?
As soon as you hear your name, you could casually ask, oh hey, did you call me? I thought I heard my name.
posted by ThePinkSuperhero at 5:30 PM on May 6, 2012 [31 favorites]
posted by ThePinkSuperhero at 5:30 PM on May 6, 2012 [31 favorites]
Miss Manners answered a similar question in one of her books. She said that if you didn't make yourself known at the time, then you two options are:
1) let the other person know that you can hear things while making it sound like you didn't listen to the actual content. E.g.: "There's no privacy in this office! The other day I had to turn my music up/put my headphones on/go to the bathroom to avoid hearing Matha going over the catering figures for the fourth time."
2) never let on.
The thing not to is to let the other person know that you overheard and make them frantic about whether you overheard them talking about something sensitive, as that's just rude.
posted by Salamandrous at 5:33 PM on May 6, 2012 [2 favorites]
1) let the other person know that you can hear things while making it sound like you didn't listen to the actual content. E.g.: "There's no privacy in this office! The other day I had to turn my music up/put my headphones on/go to the bathroom to avoid hearing Matha going over the catering figures for the fourth time."
2) never let on.
The thing not to is to let the other person know that you overheard and make them frantic about whether you overheard them talking about something sensitive, as that's just rude.
posted by Salamandrous at 5:33 PM on May 6, 2012 [2 favorites]
I would listen and never say anything but harbor a silent grudge at any rate if they said something bad. But that's just me.
posted by amodelcitizen at 5:36 PM on May 6, 2012 [34 favorites]
posted by amodelcitizen at 5:36 PM on May 6, 2012 [34 favorites]
You clear your throat loudly, or make some other noise to make it obvious that you can hear the other people. (As I am personally quite brash I just walk right over to them, or straight up say "hi, you know I'm right here, don't you??) Then the choice is in their hands - do they move farther away or stop talking, incorporate you into the conversation, or continue talking as though you weren't there knowing that you are? These all mean different things in context.
Also you aren't going to really get a hard answer about if you're supposed to let them continue on or not, because there's always different situations where this could be good or bad. You have to use your own judgment. Sometimes it's appropriate for someone else to tell a third party something about you in a way that will preserve mutual respect or prevent embarrassment and it's okay for you to hear that conversation, as long as you basically never bring it up. And sometimes people talk about others that are right there to make a point, like, I could say to my old friend about the new friend "I think I like them, but they should loosen up a bit, and also bring me a drink!"
Generally speaking though you are responsible to make it known that you're there so everybody has the same information and can work from there. Otherwise you end up in soap opera-y situations of he said she said and nobody wants that.
posted by Mizu at 5:38 PM on May 6, 2012
Also you aren't going to really get a hard answer about if you're supposed to let them continue on or not, because there's always different situations where this could be good or bad. You have to use your own judgment. Sometimes it's appropriate for someone else to tell a third party something about you in a way that will preserve mutual respect or prevent embarrassment and it's okay for you to hear that conversation, as long as you basically never bring it up. And sometimes people talk about others that are right there to make a point, like, I could say to my old friend about the new friend "I think I like them, but they should loosen up a bit, and also bring me a drink!"
Generally speaking though you are responsible to make it known that you're there so everybody has the same information and can work from there. Otherwise you end up in soap opera-y situations of he said she said and nobody wants that.
posted by Mizu at 5:38 PM on May 6, 2012
If you are hearing these conversations on a regular basis, you need to make absolutely sure you are hearing them on a regular basis.
posted by jamjam at 5:41 PM on May 6, 2012 [7 favorites]
posted by jamjam at 5:41 PM on May 6, 2012 [7 favorites]
I should add: The key to speaking up is to do it immediately and cheerfully. Act like the people are saying something that would certainly be passed right along to you if only you were there, and my, aren't we lucky that you are!
Never lurk and then appear after eavesdropping. That's the worst.
posted by purpleclover at 5:43 PM on May 6, 2012
Never lurk and then appear after eavesdropping. That's the worst.
posted by purpleclover at 5:43 PM on May 6, 2012
Well, if you can hear them it's not really a private conversation is it.
My thinking is, if they're stupid enough to have a conversation about me within earshot of me then I'm not going to do them any favors by telling them.
posted by mleigh at 5:49 PM on May 6, 2012 [1 favorite]
My thinking is, if they're stupid enough to have a conversation about me within earshot of me then I'm not going to do them any favors by telling them.
posted by mleigh at 5:49 PM on May 6, 2012 [1 favorite]
FUCK being passive-aggressive. Been there, done that-- and every time I didn't stick up for myself, I've regretted it. If two people are talking about you in a nasty way, confront them RIGHT THERE. Why shouldn't they be the ones who feel uncomfortable? Flip the script and put them on the spot.
When you're angry, let it out-- otherwise you risk walking around seething in a stew of resentment, cowardice and low self-esteem. Take your power back and to hell with "playing nice" to catty, abusive people with nothing better to do than snarkily run other people down.
posted by doreur at 5:49 PM on May 6, 2012 [18 favorites]
When you're angry, let it out-- otherwise you risk walking around seething in a stew of resentment, cowardice and low self-esteem. Take your power back and to hell with "playing nice" to catty, abusive people with nothing better to do than snarkily run other people down.
posted by doreur at 5:49 PM on May 6, 2012 [18 favorites]
I don't think you have any particular obligation here. If it's useful for you to know what they are saying about you, I don't think it's reasonable to expect you to let them on. Collect the information and use to your advantage.
posted by spaltavian at 8:32 PM on May 6, 2012 [2 favorites]
posted by spaltavian at 8:32 PM on May 6, 2012 [2 favorites]
For someone who doesn't have a history of experiencing auditory hallucinations, I think the choices are these: the direct confrontation a la "Hey, were you calling me? I thought I heard my name," or the discreet cough/throat-clearing/loud sneeze/turning music on on your computer to remind them that HEY THIS ISN'T SOUNDPROOF, YO, or just flat-out going all Harriet the Spy on them and eavesdropping and writing stuff down in a marbled composition book.
But. Given that you've shared with us that you've experienced auditory hallucinations, and this particular auditory hallucination in particular, I would probably add some kind of step of "verifying this wasn't another experience of auditory hallucination" though to be honest I am not sure what the best way to do that would be.
Best of luck to you whichever is happening; it sucks to have coworkers talking about you behind your back, and it sucks to experience auditory hallucinations, so either way not ideal for you.
posted by Sidhedevil at 8:33 PM on May 6, 2012 [11 favorites]
But. Given that you've shared with us that you've experienced auditory hallucinations, and this particular auditory hallucination in particular, I would probably add some kind of step of "verifying this wasn't another experience of auditory hallucination" though to be honest I am not sure what the best way to do that would be.
Best of luck to you whichever is happening; it sucks to have coworkers talking about you behind your back, and it sucks to experience auditory hallucinations, so either way not ideal for you.
posted by Sidhedevil at 8:33 PM on May 6, 2012 [11 favorites]
I've been know to say something to the effect of "sorry, you talking to me or about me?" with just the right tone that makes it sound funny without it actually being funny for anyone.
posted by dismitree at 9:06 PM on May 6, 2012
posted by dismitree at 9:06 PM on May 6, 2012
There are benefits to keeping quiet (more information to your advantage) and drawbacks (resentment and damage to relationships).
There are benefits to speaking up (improved relationships? prevention of future such incidents) and drawbacks (hella awkward, opportunity cost of gaining information).
What's your desired outcome? Choose accordingly.
posted by epanalepsis at 9:27 AM on May 7, 2012 [1 favorite]
There are benefits to speaking up (improved relationships? prevention of future such incidents) and drawbacks (hella awkward, opportunity cost of gaining information).
What's your desired outcome? Choose accordingly.
posted by epanalepsis at 9:27 AM on May 7, 2012 [1 favorite]
According to Jane Austen in Pride and Prejudice, you listen to their scathing remarks, talk about it with your girlfriends, and then later throw it in their faces when it would be advantageous to you. Hopefully, it will gain you the richest husband in the county. Best of luck.
posted by CathyG at 10:38 AM on May 7, 2012 [11 favorites]
posted by CathyG at 10:38 AM on May 7, 2012 [11 favorites]
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posted by purpleclover at 5:28 PM on May 6, 2012 [5 favorites]