best friend sucks now
June 3, 2011 11:19 AM Subscribe
Ever since my friend switched careers from banking to computer science, he's gotten really boring and seemingly wholly distracted, as if he's crunching numbers in his head all the time or something. It's like he's become a computer- and not the fun kind that surfs youtube for cat vids. Is this weird? Will he ever be fun again?
This can happen to people who find a job they're really meant for. He might be feeling really happy about his new job and how much natural acumen he seems to have at it.
If that's the case, then maybe it's not so weird.
On the other hand, maybe he's so deep in it right now that he's extremely stressed out. Perhaps he's feeling like he took on too much work -- he knows he can do it, he likes it, so he overreaches a bit and how has a plate that's overflowing. He still likes the work but is just overwhelmed by it. Maybe he doesn't seem sad about that; after all, it's better than old banking job, but still, he feels like he should constantly be thinking about the next steps.
Will he ever be fun again?
How long has he been in the new career? Could this just be an adjustment phase?
Have you asked him any questions about it -- how he's doing, is he stressed, and why does he seem so distracted all of a sudden?
My guess is that if he was fun before, he'll be fun again, and this is probably an adjustment phase.
posted by circular at 11:27 AM on June 3, 2011 [2 favorites]
If that's the case, then maybe it's not so weird.
On the other hand, maybe he's so deep in it right now that he's extremely stressed out. Perhaps he's feeling like he took on too much work -- he knows he can do it, he likes it, so he overreaches a bit and how has a plate that's overflowing. He still likes the work but is just overwhelmed by it. Maybe he doesn't seem sad about that; after all, it's better than old banking job, but still, he feels like he should constantly be thinking about the next steps.
Will he ever be fun again?
How long has he been in the new career? Could this just be an adjustment phase?
Have you asked him any questions about it -- how he's doing, is he stressed, and why does he seem so distracted all of a sudden?
My guess is that if he was fun before, he'll be fun again, and this is probably an adjustment phase.
posted by circular at 11:27 AM on June 3, 2011 [2 favorites]
Best answer: Programming really does foster a different way of approaching the world (for many of us at least). For me it takes a real effort to be able to have the headspace / mental orientation that solves programming tasks well and also have the headspace / mental orientation that knows how to engage with other people in a social and mutually fun way.
But this can be practiced, one can practice the transition between the two, and the better one gets at programming the easier it is to make it a skill / mode that you can turn on or off rather than a rut you get stuck in even when it is inappropriate. Fundamentally I think it is the same sort of thing that happens when someone spends lots of time reading or playing video games or watching TV and temporarily forgets how to socialize, it is just more extreme.
posted by idiopath at 11:27 AM on June 3, 2011 [3 favorites]
But this can be practiced, one can practice the transition between the two, and the better one gets at programming the easier it is to make it a skill / mode that you can turn on or off rather than a rut you get stuck in even when it is inappropriate. Fundamentally I think it is the same sort of thing that happens when someone spends lots of time reading or playing video games or watching TV and temporarily forgets how to socialize, it is just more extreme.
posted by idiopath at 11:27 AM on June 3, 2011 [3 favorites]
Since he's your best friend, maybe you could ask him about it. "Hey, I've noticed a big change in you since you switched jobs. Do you feel different?" etc.
posted by nosila at 11:29 AM on June 3, 2011 [1 favorite]
posted by nosila at 11:29 AM on June 3, 2011 [1 favorite]
This is impossible to answer as asked because you've only told us two things that aren't entirely subjective or speculative: he's switched careers and now you think he seems distracted. Could you give a few examples of what he's doing that makes him look distracted to you?
posted by d. z. wang at 11:41 AM on June 3, 2011 [1 favorite]
posted by d. z. wang at 11:41 AM on June 3, 2011 [1 favorite]
This is not an inherent property of working in technology. Particularly relative to banking
Agree. If some programmers are anti-social it's because it's part of their personality in the first place, and that's why they choose to spend so much time with computers. I have never seen anyone "change" when they started programming.
Maybe the new job is just really stressful or tiring? Anyway, why not just ask him what's up and if he's OK?
posted by drjimmy11 at 11:41 AM on June 3, 2011 [2 favorites]
Agree. If some programmers are anti-social it's because it's part of their personality in the first place, and that's why they choose to spend so much time with computers. I have never seen anyone "change" when they started programming.
Maybe the new job is just really stressful or tiring? Anyway, why not just ask him what's up and if he's OK?
posted by drjimmy11 at 11:41 AM on June 3, 2011 [2 favorites]
he's gotten really boring and seemingly wholly distracted, as if he's crunching numbers in his head all the time or something
Or perhaps he's finally realizing the vast, untapped potential he has at his fingertips, and is only now starting to discover all the possibilities that he can now turn into reality, and it's filling his head with ideas and pushing everything and everyone else out because they aren't nearly as interesting or as rewarding.
posted by Civil_Disobedient at 11:53 AM on June 3, 2011 [10 favorites]
Or perhaps he's finally realizing the vast, untapped potential he has at his fingertips, and is only now starting to discover all the possibilities that he can now turn into reality, and it's filling his head with ideas and pushing everything and everyone else out because they aren't nearly as interesting or as rewarding.
posted by Civil_Disobedient at 11:53 AM on June 3, 2011 [10 favorites]
One aspect of programming distinct from other engineering-type disciplines is that the programmer is the only thing halting forward progress. A program can be created as fast as the mind can move and hands can type, and there is very short cycle time between changing something and seeing the result. Other disciplines require more patience; waiting for something to be machined, or constructions to be implemented, or a biological process to run its course.
On preview, like Civil Disobedient said. It's as if a Civil Engineer could go home and build a new building if only they could get back to their computer.
If that's the case you're within your rights call him out (gently) and ask him to try and socialize with you when he can 'come up for air' so to speak. He's probably still just as fun if you pick the right times and he can commit to being there with you.
posted by true at 11:58 AM on June 3, 2011 [2 favorites]
On preview, like Civil Disobedient said. It's as if a Civil Engineer could go home and build a new building if only they could get back to their computer.
If that's the case you're within your rights call him out (gently) and ask him to try and socialize with you when he can 'come up for air' so to speak. He's probably still just as fun if you pick the right times and he can commit to being there with you.
posted by true at 11:58 AM on June 3, 2011 [2 favorites]
I'm a computer scientist, and this happens to me. It's quite noticeable. My friends can tell when I'm all "linuxed out", as they put it.
Exercise and meditation help a lot, as does volunteer work in groups.
posted by krilli at 11:59 AM on June 3, 2011 [2 favorites]
Exercise and meditation help a lot, as does volunteer work in groups.
posted by krilli at 11:59 AM on June 3, 2011 [2 favorites]
Booze tends to help too. Have a few beers and grill some steaks or something.
posted by thsmchnekllsfascists at 12:09 PM on June 3, 2011 [3 favorites]
posted by thsmchnekllsfascists at 12:09 PM on June 3, 2011 [3 favorites]
He seems like he is crunching numbers in his head, because he is...all the time. He will balance out eventually, or not. But you can gently mention that he seems remote. He will probably be annoyed at you for bugging him though.
posted by fifilaru at 12:43 PM on June 3, 2011
posted by fifilaru at 12:43 PM on June 3, 2011
This happens to me sometimes if I've been doing a lot of programming. You have to think in a different way and sometimes it can be hard to break out of it.
posted by grouse at 1:22 PM on June 3, 2011 [1 favorite]
posted by grouse at 1:22 PM on June 3, 2011 [1 favorite]
I have to say, the title of your question really strikes me as extremely uncharitable at best. Your best friend has switched from one career field to a very different career field, and you think he sucks now? Dang. I really hope you didn't mean that as harshly as it came off, because it doesn't reflect well on you.
Have you ever switched careers? I have, a couple of times. There's always a period of adjustment while you train your brain how to function a little differently than it did in your previous job. Have you asked your friend how it's going, or tried to offer any support?
posted by palomar at 1:33 PM on June 3, 2011 [7 favorites]
Have you ever switched careers? I have, a couple of times. There's always a period of adjustment while you train your brain how to function a little differently than it did in your previous job. Have you asked your friend how it's going, or tried to offer any support?
posted by palomar at 1:33 PM on June 3, 2011 [7 favorites]
maybe you can ask him a bit about his work. I bet he would be interested in telling you about it.
posted by sweetkid at 3:15 PM on June 3, 2011
posted by sweetkid at 3:15 PM on June 3, 2011
Just to clarify, he's been working on said programming project for over a year. I'm totally into what he's doing and I know all about it- I have even helped code. I was just feeling a bit slighted earlier, and for some reason decided to take it out on askmefi (of all weird places). But the comments were helpful. When a friend is really into something, even if for YEARS, it's important to still be there when they get out of their programming madness, to congratulate them on the final outcome and the insane amount of work that it took, and just hope that maybe there will be a chill moment before the next project.
posted by cyberdad at 7:00 PM on June 3, 2011
posted by cyberdad at 7:00 PM on June 3, 2011
It's also a good thing to have a project of your own to work on, rather than just hanging around waiting for your friend to be done with his project. :)
posted by palomar at 7:16 PM on June 3, 2011 [1 favorite]
posted by palomar at 7:16 PM on June 3, 2011 [1 favorite]
The same thing happens to me, and happened to me a lot more (for months) before I met Mrs. Machine. Is your friend single?
posted by sonic meat machine at 9:03 PM on June 3, 2011
posted by sonic meat machine at 9:03 PM on June 3, 2011
« Older How can I download a large batch of videos from a... | Austin to New Orleans Suggestions Newer »
This thread is closed to new comments.
posted by Tomorrowful at 11:26 AM on June 3, 2011 [3 favorites]