How can I make life better for my boyfriend?
July 19, 2011 6:11 PM   Subscribe

My boyfriend's hit a string of horrible luck. What can I do?

My boyfriend of a year and change has hit a string of horrible bad luck. He's been out of work for six months and his latest job offer was taken back (because of factors out of his control). He's not doing great for money wise. His car is in the shop for the forseeable future. He was mugged a few weeks back and his iPhone was stolen. He's fighting with his brother. He found out he probably has a metabolic disorder (not a huge deal, but needs money to see a dr).

Yesterday, he found out his plumbing will be out for four days. (He'll stay with me,of course.) But this was the straw that I think might break the camel's back.

I've been stressed; I've been depressed; I've been suicidal. I've worked through some horrible life events. (These events - the death of my mother - have made me much more fatalistic about other problems. I don't care about not having money now because hey, the worst thing has already happened to me. But for him, this is the worst thing that's happened, I think.) Anyways, the difference is, I've never dealt with a crisis with a (decent, loving) partner. So I'm not sure what to do. What can I do to make this easier on him? Any action suggestions or things to say are welcome. One problem is he's home all day because he is not working and cant spend money.

(I'm offering to pay for things more, but I'm currently a bit cash strapped. I've been cooking for him, sending supportive emails, taking him out for drinks, etc. I've offered to rent a ZipCar for driving. But I can't fix the structural problems; I can't get him a job. Also, to my knowledge, he's not suicidal or going to harm himself. I've asked him directly and made sure we have an open line of communication on that.)
posted by anonymous to Human Relations (11 answers total) 2 users marked this as a favorite
 
More blow jobs? I'm not even joking.
posted by InterestedInKnowing at 6:23 PM on July 19, 2011 [20 favorites]


I think the best thing you could do for him is to make sure he feels like you still want to be with him - that your relationship is stable despite the rest of his life crumbling around him.

I think there's a tendency for someone in his situation to worry that his attractiveness is in your mind unconsciously tied to his financial/life success, which can quickly undermine a relationship. So try to reassure him that you love him for reasons completely unrelated to his money, career, prestige, etc.
posted by Salvor Hardin at 6:30 PM on July 19, 2011 [11 favorites]


Help him brainstorm things to do out of the house that don't involved spending money: long walks, the library, volunteering, walking a neighbor's dog, anything.
posted by mauvest at 6:32 PM on July 19, 2011 [3 favorites]


We can give you all sorts of things he might like or need, but I think it is best to directly ask him what he needs from you right now and do those things. Everything else is a crapshoot as to effectiveness.
posted by murrey at 6:38 PM on July 19, 2011 [1 favorite]


I think just acting like this is 100% not his fault is a huge help. After a while one has a tendency to say, did I do something to deserve this??
posted by salvia at 7:08 PM on July 19, 2011


In hard times a partner can be a source of comfort, if you help him forget his problems and remind him that he is loved and worth loving. A partner can also multiply the stress, if you become too much of a coach and cheerleader, because any further setbacks mean he has to face you and let you down as well, and the fear of not doing enough or not being good enough for you will slowly infect his thoughts. The clear message to send through actions and words is that you love him and you are there for him, and that you believe in him and that he can overcome the obstacles in his path.
posted by PercussivePaul at 7:13 PM on July 19, 2011 [1 favorite]


I went through this with my husband. I won't go through the litany of shit that rained down on him for 2 years straight, but I'll just say that he went through an extraordinarily bad time.

After a while one has a tendency to say, did I do something to deserve this?? This is very true. I can honestly say that nothing that happened to him was his fault, but he started to believe that these things were a reflection of who he was.

Which leads me to: I think the best thing you could do for him is to make sure he feels like you still want to be with him - that your relationship is stable despite the rest of his life crumbling around him. Also absolutely true. I asked him so many times what I could do, and over and over this is what he told me. This goes not just for emotional suport, but for physical intimacy. This is probably a very individual thing as some people shy away from it when they're depressed, but anything from more hugs to initiating sex was almost always very welcome and very appreciated. Not just because closeness can make one feel better, but after a while your bf might start to wonder if you really want to be with him.

The other thing I urged him to do was to volunteer or get involved with projects surrounding his interests. He found something to focus on during the last year or so of his unemployment, and he totally flourished. He threw all of his energy into it. He is employed now, but he still continues to make time for those projects and he's become a big part of that particular community.
posted by DrGirlfriend at 7:21 PM on July 19, 2011 [3 favorites]


A couple of simple ideas.

1. Make sure not to make this your problem as well. What I mean by this is that if you worry about it too much then you may start resenting his problems/bad luck and then have less resources to help him.

2. Try to find him some autobiographies of people that went through tough times (almost everyone has) and maybe read one or two of the same books as him. You could share these as a bonding experience and allow you two to talk about someone else's problems and not just his.

3. Find something, anything that he can help you with so that he feels he can still be supportive and useful as well. For example, if he's staying over at your house for the next few days maybe there's a little project/DIY thing he can help with. It'll take his mind off things for a few hours and make him feel like he's contributed something of worth.

Good luck.
posted by fantasticninety at 7:50 PM on July 19, 2011


There is a little risk in all this. Don't become too invested in turning his emotions around, or changing how he feels, or he may find himself feeling obligated to feeling better for you. In other words, in trying to help out, it is possible to become a burden.

Sounds to me like you are being awesome, and so this is really just a cautionary tale for you as you ramp up your efforts. As someone who has gone through a lot in the last year, I can only say be consistent and be undemanding - within reason. And get him outside/out in the world wherever possible, being at home all day looking for work is demoralizing.
posted by fake at 7:51 PM on July 19, 2011


Get out of town for a few days with him. I find that when I'm not home and unable to anything about my problems because I'm not at home, I don't worry about them
posted by ShooBoo at 8:21 PM on July 19, 2011


I'm vaguely familiar with your boyfriends' situation - i was made redundant from a job, was unemployed for three months, then having got a new job, was diagnosed with cancer three months later and have been at home, not working, for the last five months.

OK, not quite the bad luck situation your boyfriend is going through, but one thing is similar - my fiancée (now wife) was my absolute rock through all of this.

She didn't do anything overt to support me, but was always there when I felt miserable, ensured I felt OK and looked after, and (very carefully) suggested things I might do during the day to keep me occupied. She was exceptionally careful to avoid any 'nagging' or suggestions of work / activities that made me feel like she wanted me to do something because I was just lying around the house.

What she didn't offer was financial support - admittedly I'm living with her, so the support is implicit - but I didn't ask for (nor get) 'spending money' to use during the day. Her suggestions of just walking, going to the library etc were ideal to keep me occupied without feeling like I had to spend money.

tl;dr - you're being really supportive as it is. Keep on doing this, and be sensitive to his feelings, as he's likely to be quite edgy every now and then. It's the feeling of being loved and supported in his situation that counts. Good luck!
posted by jjleonard at 3:06 AM on July 20, 2011 [2 favorites]


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