My roommate really wants to have sex, maybe more. Is this such a bad thing?
August 11, 2010 8:48 AM Subscribe
Is sleeping with your roommate as bad of an idea that I am thinking that it is or am I making too big of a deal about it?
So I just moved to the big city after finding a place through one of the gals from work. She had a friend that needed someone to take up an apartment share with her and her brother. We started chatting pretty frequently and also video skyping, some of it getting into something bordering on sexual. We had met at the apt so that I could look around and see the space. What was supposed to be maybe a 1/2hr meet and greet turned into talking for about 3hrs. So there was obviously some sort of connection there.
We decide that this is a good thing and I move in after more semi-sexual talks/chats. Now that I am there, things have really taken off. We get along great. We enjoy each others company, but she is really pushing the sex issue, saying that we are missing a great opportunity to have a lot of sex.
My issues are these: I just moved in, and don't want to make anything weird or stress the living situation. Another is that her brother also lives there and I don't know how he would feel with me banging his sister. She does not share any of these concerns. My other concern is that I may have actual feelings for her, and do not want to be let down or left heartbroken, and don't want to put her in that situation. She has asked what the problem is if we had feelings, and that we should just go for it. My thing is that I just moved, and maybe want to sow some fricken oats!
Thoughts?
So I just moved to the big city after finding a place through one of the gals from work. She had a friend that needed someone to take up an apartment share with her and her brother. We started chatting pretty frequently and also video skyping, some of it getting into something bordering on sexual. We had met at the apt so that I could look around and see the space. What was supposed to be maybe a 1/2hr meet and greet turned into talking for about 3hrs. So there was obviously some sort of connection there.
We decide that this is a good thing and I move in after more semi-sexual talks/chats. Now that I am there, things have really taken off. We get along great. We enjoy each others company, but she is really pushing the sex issue, saying that we are missing a great opportunity to have a lot of sex.
My issues are these: I just moved in, and don't want to make anything weird or stress the living situation. Another is that her brother also lives there and I don't know how he would feel with me banging his sister. She does not share any of these concerns. My other concern is that I may have actual feelings for her, and do not want to be let down or left heartbroken, and don't want to put her in that situation. She has asked what the problem is if we had feelings, and that we should just go for it. My thing is that I just moved, and maybe want to sow some fricken oats!
Thoughts?
Can you clarify: is your main concern that you might want something serious with her (do not want to be let down or left heartbroken), or that you might not (sow some oats)?
posted by salvia at 8:53 AM on August 11, 2010
posted by salvia at 8:53 AM on August 11, 2010
Oh Jesus Christ. Life's too short to wring your hands over shit like this. Take the plunge, and if it doesn't work out, find a new apartment.
posted by saladin at 8:54 AM on August 11, 2010 [9 favorites]
posted by saladin at 8:54 AM on August 11, 2010 [9 favorites]
Hrm.
It's probably a bad idea, I guess, but, I mean, at this point you're damned if you do and damned if you don't. It *might* get stressful and it *might* get awkward if you have sex and one of you forms an attachment or one of you gets hurt or whatever - but on the other hand now that it's on the table and it's already being discussed it's ALREADY making you stressed, so you've kind of already lost - and that stress will just continue as this situation plays itself out.
I vote nip it in the bud and fuck like jack rabbits and enjoy the hell out of it and worry about what might happen later. It might turn into an awesome relationship. It might explode. You might have to move.
You might get hit by a bus, too.
Do it! Doooo ittttt!
posted by kbanas at 8:55 AM on August 11, 2010 [3 favorites]
It's probably a bad idea, I guess, but, I mean, at this point you're damned if you do and damned if you don't. It *might* get stressful and it *might* get awkward if you have sex and one of you forms an attachment or one of you gets hurt or whatever - but on the other hand now that it's on the table and it's already being discussed it's ALREADY making you stressed, so you've kind of already lost - and that stress will just continue as this situation plays itself out.
I vote nip it in the bud and fuck like jack rabbits and enjoy the hell out of it and worry about what might happen later. It might turn into an awesome relationship. It might explode. You might have to move.
You might get hit by a bus, too.
Do it! Doooo ittttt!
posted by kbanas at 8:55 AM on August 11, 2010 [3 favorites]
Her brother?
You're going to make decisions about your own personal life based on how her brother might feel?
What?
Look, if two siblings are living together, there's a distinct possibility that one of them will be in the residence while their sibling is having sex. If they want to make sure this doesn't happen, they shouldn't live together. That's not your concern.
posted by Jaltcoh at 8:58 AM on August 11, 2010
You're going to make decisions about your own personal life based on how her brother might feel?
What?
Look, if two siblings are living together, there's a distinct possibility that one of them will be in the residence while their sibling is having sex. If they want to make sure this doesn't happen, they shouldn't live together. That's not your concern.
posted by Jaltcoh at 8:58 AM on August 11, 2010
I would just go for it.
Not sure why her brother would care or get mad.
If she turns into a psycho, just leave. If you're in a big city and people were looking for a roommate, I'm guessing you're not actually on a lease ? So, hey man, whatever.
posted by KogeLiz at 8:59 AM on August 11, 2010
Not sure why her brother would care or get mad.
If she turns into a psycho, just leave. If you're in a big city and people were looking for a roommate, I'm guessing you're not actually on a lease ? So, hey man, whatever.
posted by KogeLiz at 8:59 AM on August 11, 2010
Do whatever you'd like, but just be aware that accepting your roommate's offer will vastly increase the chances of your needing to find alternate lodging-- perhaps suddenly or without warning-- in relatively short order. Is a stable living situation > hot sex, or is hot sex > a stable living situation? Only you can say for sure.
posted by Bardolph at 8:59 AM on August 11, 2010 [5 favorites]
posted by Bardolph at 8:59 AM on August 11, 2010 [5 favorites]
"Another is that her brother also lives there and I don't know how he would feel with me banging his sister."
Who cares how he feels? This is an adult we're talking about, right? And the sex is consensual, right? Men don't own woman, be they boyfriends, husbands, fathers or brothers. Period.
posted by Cat Pie Hurts at 8:59 AM on August 11, 2010
Who cares how he feels? This is an adult we're talking about, right? And the sex is consensual, right? Men don't own woman, be they boyfriends, husbands, fathers or brothers. Period.
posted by Cat Pie Hurts at 8:59 AM on August 11, 2010
Better to regret what you have done than what you haven't done. Go for it.
posted by Scoo at 9:00 AM on August 11, 2010 [3 favorites]
posted by Scoo at 9:00 AM on August 11, 2010 [3 favorites]
The brother is an adult, right? Not a kid she has guardianship of for some reason? It is nice that you're being thoughtful, but unless you live in a very different society than I do, men don't get a vote in their sister's sex life.
posted by needs more cowbell at 9:02 AM on August 11, 2010
posted by needs more cowbell at 9:02 AM on August 11, 2010
I'm kind of surprised by the gung-ho comments above, actually.
I would give this some time, seriously. It would be one thing if it was just this girl -- in that case, if you felt comfortable with the idea of having to find a new apartment on very short notice should things go south, there'd be no reason not to go for it.
But you're saying her brother ALSO lives there, and you don't know him well enough to have any idea how he'd take this particular turn of events.
And like you said, you JUST MOVED. If she wants you that badly, she can wait a few weeks while you get settled in and carve out a little space for yourself in that apartment, before your relationship with this girl (which may or may not develop into anything serious) defines your life in a new place in a new city.
Your question makes it sound like you want to wait. So wait! It's not like you'll have a hard time finding her.
posted by Narrative Priorities at 9:02 AM on August 11, 2010 [1 favorite]
I would give this some time, seriously. It would be one thing if it was just this girl -- in that case, if you felt comfortable with the idea of having to find a new apartment on very short notice should things go south, there'd be no reason not to go for it.
But you're saying her brother ALSO lives there, and you don't know him well enough to have any idea how he'd take this particular turn of events.
And like you said, you JUST MOVED. If she wants you that badly, she can wait a few weeks while you get settled in and carve out a little space for yourself in that apartment, before your relationship with this girl (which may or may not develop into anything serious) defines your life in a new place in a new city.
Your question makes it sound like you want to wait. So wait! It's not like you'll have a hard time finding her.
posted by Narrative Priorities at 9:02 AM on August 11, 2010 [1 favorite]
If you do it, have a plan in place in case you need to move quickly. I've slept with a roommate before, and it totally worked for us. That said, it TOTALLY FAILED when one of my best friends tried it. I mean the kind of spectacular angry failure that gets nasty messages scratched into the surface of the dining room table. There are a million other outcomes, too, but it's best to be prepared.
posted by honeydew at 9:03 AM on August 11, 2010 [3 favorites]
posted by honeydew at 9:03 AM on August 11, 2010 [3 favorites]
Presume that if things go south, you will move out. How does this affect your feelings about the whole situation?
posted by mollymayhem at 9:03 AM on August 11, 2010
posted by mollymayhem at 9:03 AM on August 11, 2010
You hear a lot of bad, bad stories on AskMe about people who did this and then were stuck living with someone they'd had a failed relationship with.
But for me personally I have only ever regretted not having had sex when I could've. (On the other hand, I've never had a bad experience with sex where I regretted doing it - I've never gotten anyone pregnant, for example. So my experience may be unusual.)
posted by XMLicious at 9:04 AM on August 11, 2010 [1 favorite]
But for me personally I have only ever regretted not having had sex when I could've. (On the other hand, I've never had a bad experience with sex where I regretted doing it - I've never gotten anyone pregnant, for example. So my experience may be unusual.)
posted by XMLicious at 9:04 AM on August 11, 2010 [1 favorite]
Also, to be absolutely clear, I'm not implying that her brother has any say in her sex life. I'm just suggesting that the OP could end up in a really unpleasant living situation if the brother decides to be an ass about it, which may or may not be worth the good times of hooking up with this girl.
posted by Narrative Priorities at 9:04 AM on August 11, 2010 [1 favorite]
posted by Narrative Priorities at 9:04 AM on August 11, 2010 [1 favorite]
It's a bad idea. You will be living together and if your relationship doesn't go well for some reason then it's gonna be super weird/awkward to be around eachother all the time. Also, it will be definitely weird to date other people after that if you or her want to bring your dates home.
posted by simba at 9:08 AM on August 11, 2010 [3 favorites]
posted by simba at 9:08 AM on August 11, 2010 [3 favorites]
I'm usually one for life is short and go for it, but in your case...you asked: "My issues are these: I just moved in, and don't want to make anything weird or stress the living situation."
Sleeping with her will probably make the living situation weird. After creating a friendly living situation with the woman and her brother, I just foresee all kinds on sitcom-esque things happening like:
* her brother walks in you and gets pretty angry, and now you both have to still live with him;
* she wants to get it on a lot more than you and becomes annoying;
* reverse that;
* her brother has to live with the two of you having this tension;
* one of you meets someone else and things get weird.
And please...others should jump on me if I'm wrong, but for some reason, I'm a little creeped out by this woman's actions. She lives with her brother, is flirting with you and wants you to become a roommate as well as her go-to guy?
I find it a little weird, honestly.
posted by dzaz at 9:11 AM on August 11, 2010 [4 favorites]
Sleeping with her will probably make the living situation weird. After creating a friendly living situation with the woman and her brother, I just foresee all kinds on sitcom-esque things happening like:
* her brother walks in you and gets pretty angry, and now you both have to still live with him;
* she wants to get it on a lot more than you and becomes annoying;
* reverse that;
* her brother has to live with the two of you having this tension;
* one of you meets someone else and things get weird.
And please...others should jump on me if I'm wrong, but for some reason, I'm a little creeped out by this woman's actions. She lives with her brother, is flirting with you and wants you to become a roommate as well as her go-to guy?
I find it a little weird, honestly.
posted by dzaz at 9:11 AM on August 11, 2010 [4 favorites]
It's a terrible idea. Sometimes terrible ideas are the best ideas.
Go for it, and have fun. You want to die without any scars?
posted by zjacreman at 9:21 AM on August 11, 2010 [6 favorites]
Go for it, and have fun. You want to die without any scars?
posted by zjacreman at 9:21 AM on August 11, 2010 [6 favorites]
And please...others should jump on me if I'm wrong, but for some reason, I'm a little creeped out by this woman's actions. She lives with her brother, is flirting with you and wants you to become a roommate as well as her go-to guy?
Yeah. I agree with dzaz.
That's the first thing I thought of. I'm pretty sure this chick has some issues.
But I'm guessing the OP knows what's up... probably why he feels uncomfortable.
posted by KogeLiz at 9:23 AM on August 11, 2010 [1 favorite]
Yeah. I agree with dzaz.
That's the first thing I thought of. I'm pretty sure this chick has some issues.
But I'm guessing the OP knows what's up... probably why he feels uncomfortable.
posted by KogeLiz at 9:23 AM on August 11, 2010 [1 favorite]
you are going to get advice on both sides of the issues, so the best thing to do is list out all your options, pros and cons, and then ... just decide.
1. sex right away. Pros; sex, potential ltr. Cons: possible award situation with brother, possible breakup nastiness/having to move
2. delay sex, Pros; possible ltr, getting comfortable with your surroundings, being able to read the sibling situation better. Cons; no sex in the short term, girl might feel offended/look elsewhere => no relationship whatsoever.
I'm sure there are all sorts of things I didn't list on both sides, but that's a start.
Personally, and this is only me, I'd actually wait a week or two at least. Yeah, life is short, but it is the only one you have, so in a sense life is forever (or at least all the forever you will get). I like to strike the balance between jumping off a cliff and making sure there are minimal rocks at the bottom... *shrug* Sex is good, but having a stable place to live with minimal drama is also good. Your call
posted by edgeways at 9:24 AM on August 11, 2010 [1 favorite]
1. sex right away. Pros; sex, potential ltr. Cons: possible award situation with brother, possible breakup nastiness/having to move
2. delay sex, Pros; possible ltr, getting comfortable with your surroundings, being able to read the sibling situation better. Cons; no sex in the short term, girl might feel offended/look elsewhere => no relationship whatsoever.
I'm sure there are all sorts of things I didn't list on both sides, but that's a start.
Personally, and this is only me, I'd actually wait a week or two at least. Yeah, life is short, but it is the only one you have, so in a sense life is forever (or at least all the forever you will get). I like to strike the balance between jumping off a cliff and making sure there are minimal rocks at the bottom... *shrug* Sex is good, but having a stable place to live with minimal drama is also good. Your call
posted by edgeways at 9:24 AM on August 11, 2010 [1 favorite]
Some friends did this a few years ago. They're now married and expecting their first child. YMMV.
posted by sanko at 9:26 AM on August 11, 2010
posted by sanko at 9:26 AM on August 11, 2010
I just moved in, and don't want to make anything weird or stress the living situation.
It's already weird and stressful, as evidenced by you posting this question.
Another is that her brother also lives there and I don't know how he would feel with me banging his sister.
Never mind banging his sister, it's the fact that you two would immediately become a unit, which could be seen as 2 vs 1, creating tensions. The three of you should probably sit down and talk. I know that may sound weird, but you and her getting it on would change the dynamics of the household and that could make for ugly situations.
My other concern is that I may have actual feelings for her, and do not want to be let down or left heartbroken, and don't want to put her in that situation. She has asked what the problem is if we had feelings, and that we should just go for it. My thing is that I just moved, and maybe want to sow some fricken oats!
Sowing your oats while sharing an apartment with the girl (and her brother )who wanted to sow your particular oats, yet turned down could make for an unpleasant situation.
Being conflicted about having feelings for her, yet wanting to sow your oats doesn't sound like a stable beginning or future.
Look, you've managed to get yourself in a pretty pickle. You got a girl that's hot for you and that you're hot for and potentieally have feelings for, yet you want to date around a lot and oh, ya'll are already roommates with her brother.
Either find another apartment and date around or stay and plan to screw like bunnies.
posted by nomadicink at 9:26 AM on August 11, 2010 [5 favorites]
It's already weird and stressful, as evidenced by you posting this question.
Another is that her brother also lives there and I don't know how he would feel with me banging his sister.
Never mind banging his sister, it's the fact that you two would immediately become a unit, which could be seen as 2 vs 1, creating tensions. The three of you should probably sit down and talk. I know that may sound weird, but you and her getting it on would change the dynamics of the household and that could make for ugly situations.
My other concern is that I may have actual feelings for her, and do not want to be let down or left heartbroken, and don't want to put her in that situation. She has asked what the problem is if we had feelings, and that we should just go for it. My thing is that I just moved, and maybe want to sow some fricken oats!
Sowing your oats while sharing an apartment with the girl (and her brother )who wanted to sow your particular oats, yet turned down could make for an unpleasant situation.
Being conflicted about having feelings for her, yet wanting to sow your oats doesn't sound like a stable beginning or future.
Look, you've managed to get yourself in a pretty pickle. You got a girl that's hot for you and that you're hot for and potentieally have feelings for, yet you want to date around a lot and oh, ya'll are already roommates with her brother.
Either find another apartment and date around or stay and plan to screw like bunnies.
posted by nomadicink at 9:26 AM on August 11, 2010 [5 favorites]
I just moved in, and don't want to make anything weird or stress the living situation. Another is that her brother also lives there and I don't know how he would feel with me banging his sister. She does not share any of these concerns.
She presumably knows her brother better than you do. If she says he has no history of behaving like an ass to people she's seeing, then believe her. (Of course Cat Pie Hurts is correct that his opinion shouldn't matter, but I think it's reasonable to be wary about creating a situation in which you have to fight that argument out every day with someone who shares your home)
My other concern is that I may have actual feelings for her, and do not want to be let down or left heartbroken, and don't want to put her in that situation.
Are you concerned about feelings you actually have (a valid concern), feelings you can't tell whether you have (some caution warranted) or feelings that you cold, theoretically, develop in the future (very overcautious, IMO)?
I agree with spiceynuts 100% - As long as you are open and communicative and make sure both parties know what the rules and expectations are, what the hell.
Changing relationships with someone you can't get away from -- co-workers, flatmates, your conjoined twin -- is a high stakes game: if it goes badly it'll probably be awful and if it goes well it'll probably be awesome.
If this is supposed to be a casual "friends-having-fun-together" thing, then it doesn't have to have all the emotional baggage of a developing romantic relationship. Have a lighthearted, frank discussion of what you're both expecting: just occasional sex, or something deeper? Monogomy? To be told about each others' other partners? Right now, are you hoping that it'll turn into more? How comfortable are you with the idea of discussing any developing emotional attachments?
As long as you're comfortable enough to talk about this stuff and all you're happy with each others' answers, I say go for it. Sex doesn't have to be terribly important and needn't dramatically change a friendship. It can be a risk, but so is everything worth doing in life. Worry less and have some fun ;).
posted by metaBugs at 9:35 AM on August 11, 2010 [1 favorite]
She presumably knows her brother better than you do. If she says he has no history of behaving like an ass to people she's seeing, then believe her. (Of course Cat Pie Hurts is correct that his opinion shouldn't matter, but I think it's reasonable to be wary about creating a situation in which you have to fight that argument out every day with someone who shares your home)
My other concern is that I may have actual feelings for her, and do not want to be let down or left heartbroken, and don't want to put her in that situation.
Are you concerned about feelings you actually have (a valid concern), feelings you can't tell whether you have (some caution warranted) or feelings that you cold, theoretically, develop in the future (very overcautious, IMO)?
I agree with spiceynuts 100% - As long as you are open and communicative and make sure both parties know what the rules and expectations are, what the hell.
Changing relationships with someone you can't get away from -- co-workers, flatmates, your conjoined twin -- is a high stakes game: if it goes badly it'll probably be awful and if it goes well it'll probably be awesome.
If this is supposed to be a casual "friends-having-fun-together" thing, then it doesn't have to have all the emotional baggage of a developing romantic relationship. Have a lighthearted, frank discussion of what you're both expecting: just occasional sex, or something deeper? Monogomy? To be told about each others' other partners? Right now, are you hoping that it'll turn into more? How comfortable are you with the idea of discussing any developing emotional attachments?
As long as you're comfortable enough to talk about this stuff and all you're happy with each others' answers, I say go for it. Sex doesn't have to be terribly important and needn't dramatically change a friendship. It can be a risk, but so is everything worth doing in life. Worry less and have some fun ;).
posted by metaBugs at 9:35 AM on August 11, 2010 [1 favorite]
I say do it.
But try and be as respectful of her brother as possible, for example by not doing it when he's around. He has a right to know about the situation for a variety of reasons, but that doesn't mean he should have his faced rubbed in it.
posted by elder18 at 9:37 AM on August 11, 2010
But try and be as respectful of her brother as possible, for example by not doing it when he's around. He has a right to know about the situation for a variety of reasons, but that doesn't mean he should have his faced rubbed in it.
posted by elder18 at 9:37 AM on August 11, 2010
Man, usually when given the option between *no sex* and *sex* I'm all Team Sex but this particular situation is giving me weird vibes.
You just moved. You're in a new, exciting city. I'm assuming you don't know anyone beyond your coworkers and your new roommates. You're looking for connections and oh hey here's one with a hot, willing woman who is apparently (instantly) super into you. And lives with you? And her brother? I don't know. It sort of reads like a drama explosion waiting to happen. If I were you, I wouldn't do it. I'd go out and meet bangable people who I don't live with and who aren't exactly half of my current social circle. But if you do do it:
The last line of your question makes me think that you're not looking for anything serious right now. The impression I'm getting from what you've said about her makes me think that she is.
I think before you guys do anything you should realllllly talk about your intentions. As in, if you're not a hundred percent sure you'd like to pursue something relationship-esque with her: let her know in clear, kind terms. If it's going to be just hook-ups: dear god tell her in again, clear, kind terms. And also, even if you have this conversation and things go perfectly and you're both on the same page: be aware that it may all mean nothing once emotion gets involved.
posted by Tha Race Card at 9:49 AM on August 11, 2010 [2 favorites]
You just moved. You're in a new, exciting city. I'm assuming you don't know anyone beyond your coworkers and your new roommates. You're looking for connections and oh hey here's one with a hot, willing woman who is apparently (instantly) super into you. And lives with you? And her brother? I don't know. It sort of reads like a drama explosion waiting to happen. If I were you, I wouldn't do it. I'd go out and meet bangable people who I don't live with and who aren't exactly half of my current social circle. But if you do do it:
The last line of your question makes me think that you're not looking for anything serious right now. The impression I'm getting from what you've said about her makes me think that she is.
I think before you guys do anything you should realllllly talk about your intentions. As in, if you're not a hundred percent sure you'd like to pursue something relationship-esque with her: let her know in clear, kind terms. If it's going to be just hook-ups: dear god tell her in again, clear, kind terms. And also, even if you have this conversation and things go perfectly and you're both on the same page: be aware that it may all mean nothing once emotion gets involved.
posted by Tha Race Card at 9:49 AM on August 11, 2010 [2 favorites]
nomadicink:
Look, you've managed to get yourself in a pretty pickle.
This is the key thing I focused on when reading your question and surprised more people didn't. Though having sex with someone is a big deal, it's not like if you don't hook up with her and go about sowing aforementioned oats there isn't going to be some sort of awkwardness, which could include major drama depending on how everybody reacts.
So while the decision to have sex is a big one, you've already started the ball rolling, the box has been opened, etc. So I say, since you think there's potential and there's definite attraction, you should play this one out. The wild oats will be there later.
And a bird in the hand is worth two in the bush, especially if the bird is going to be near your hand even if you start going into the bush without it.
posted by MCMikeNamara at 9:54 AM on August 11, 2010 [1 favorite]
Look, you've managed to get yourself in a pretty pickle.
This is the key thing I focused on when reading your question and surprised more people didn't. Though having sex with someone is a big deal, it's not like if you don't hook up with her and go about sowing aforementioned oats there isn't going to be some sort of awkwardness, which could include major drama depending on how everybody reacts.
So while the decision to have sex is a big one, you've already started the ball rolling, the box has been opened, etc. So I say, since you think there's potential and there's definite attraction, you should play this one out. The wild oats will be there later.
And a bird in the hand is worth two in the bush, especially if the bird is going to be near your hand even if you start going into the bush without it.
posted by MCMikeNamara at 9:54 AM on August 11, 2010 [1 favorite]
Response by poster: Holy shit I did not expect this amount of response! I am going through now and reading, but at first glance it looks like the over all consensus is to go forth and fuck like rabbits!
posted by Botunda at 10:06 AM on August 11, 2010
posted by Botunda at 10:06 AM on August 11, 2010
Considering your last roommate situation, I'd say take it slow on this one.
Yes, they're wildly different situations, but the potential for drama is high with your latest roommates and I wonder if you're unconsciously seeking out drama. Yes, this is armchair pyscho analysis from an internet stranger, but maybe food for thought?
posted by nomadicink at 10:14 AM on August 11, 2010 [1 favorite]
Yes, they're wildly different situations, but the potential for drama is high with your latest roommates and I wonder if you're unconsciously seeking out drama. Yes, this is armchair pyscho analysis from an internet stranger, but maybe food for thought?
posted by nomadicink at 10:14 AM on August 11, 2010 [1 favorite]
sounds like potential, probable drama. your choice.
posted by elle.jeezy at 10:20 AM on August 11, 2010 [1 favorite]
posted by elle.jeezy at 10:20 AM on August 11, 2010 [1 favorite]
It all sounds like fun, but this is a possible minefield waiting to be walked into. I've never known anyone who slept with a roommate to say that it all worked out great in the end.
I'd say find a new place then start fucking. That will wreck your head the least.
posted by fso at 10:32 AM on August 11, 2010
I'd say find a new place then start fucking. That will wreck your head the least.
posted by fso at 10:32 AM on August 11, 2010
This will not end well for one of you. But then most relationships are like that.
If you start sleeping together, and develop some ground rules, one of you will likely want to keep this exclusive, and one will want to keep their eye out for other possible partners. If you can handle laying in your room whilst she's entertaining another guy in hers (I doubt if you can, being human and all) then go for it.
posted by Danf at 10:33 AM on August 11, 2010
If you start sleeping together, and develop some ground rules, one of you will likely want to keep this exclusive, and one will want to keep their eye out for other possible partners. If you can handle laying in your room whilst she's entertaining another guy in hers (I doubt if you can, being human and all) then go for it.
posted by Danf at 10:33 AM on August 11, 2010
If you are into this girl, for real, or even if you *might* be really into her, for fuck's sake, tell her!
If you are all, "Hmm, no, let's not mess up a living situation," she's going to take that as a rejection and, if you are very, VERY lucky, move on with another guy and continue to be a good roommate. If you are less lucky, she will resent you and you guys will only live together as long as you absolutely have to... and no one gets laid.
"Ahem... I would love to have sex with you. But I also really dig you as a person, I think we might even have a future together, so I'd kinda like to let that develop, and THEN do it all night long. Are you cool with that?"
Trust me, how she responds to this will tell you a lot.
And it leaves the possibility of sex wide open. And I, too, am on Team Sex.
posted by Leta at 10:35 AM on August 11, 2010
If you are all, "Hmm, no, let's not mess up a living situation," she's going to take that as a rejection and, if you are very, VERY lucky, move on with another guy and continue to be a good roommate. If you are less lucky, she will resent you and you guys will only live together as long as you absolutely have to... and no one gets laid.
"Ahem... I would love to have sex with you. But I also really dig you as a person, I think we might even have a future together, so I'd kinda like to let that develop, and THEN do it all night long. Are you cool with that?"
Trust me, how she responds to this will tell you a lot.
And it leaves the possibility of sex wide open. And I, too, am on Team Sex.
posted by Leta at 10:35 AM on August 11, 2010
My own personal feeling is:
1) Don't shit where you sleep
2) Her brother lives with you? No way! How would you feel if some dude that just moved in with you was banging your sister?
Won't. End. Well.
Frankly, I would already be looking for a new place to live. I'm not a prude, but the last place you want drama is your home. What if you develop feelings and she doesn't? What if you bring someone home and she gets jealous? What if she brings someone home and you get jealous? What if the brother gets pissed off at you for "taking advantage" of his sister? etc. etc. etc.
If you do decide to go for it, just remember you are creating your own drama and deserve whatever outcome you get (good or bad). I don't want to see any anonymous AskMe questions starting with "So, I banged my roommate with her brother in the next room..."
posted by 1000monkeys at 10:43 AM on August 11, 2010
1) Don't shit where you sleep
2) Her brother lives with you? No way! How would you feel if some dude that just moved in with you was banging your sister?
Won't. End. Well.
Frankly, I would already be looking for a new place to live. I'm not a prude, but the last place you want drama is your home. What if you develop feelings and she doesn't? What if you bring someone home and she gets jealous? What if she brings someone home and you get jealous? What if the brother gets pissed off at you for "taking advantage" of his sister? etc. etc. etc.
If you do decide to go for it, just remember you are creating your own drama and deserve whatever outcome you get (good or bad). I don't want to see any anonymous AskMe questions starting with "So, I banged my roommate with her brother in the next room..."
posted by 1000monkeys at 10:43 AM on August 11, 2010
There's a strong chance that this woman is going to be trouble. Casual sex with a roommate has tons of opportunity to turn bad and leave you with no place to live. The fact that she started suggesting it immediately indicates that she may be very impulsive and not think things through. This could get very messy, very quickly when she decides she no longer wants to have sex with you, or when she decides you've done something wrong. I can't put my finger on exactly why, but something about her actions screams "drama queen" to me.
Try mentally reversing the situation - say you met some woman at a bar and had sex with her that night. Then as soon as you're finished having sex, she asks you to move in with her. Sounds a little scary to me.
Also, keep in mind that there's lots and lots of sex out there in the world, both casual and meaningful. You don't have to shit where you sleep in order to get laid.
posted by MexicanYenta at 10:45 AM on August 11, 2010 [4 favorites]
Try mentally reversing the situation - say you met some woman at a bar and had sex with her that night. Then as soon as you're finished having sex, she asks you to move in with her. Sounds a little scary to me.
Also, keep in mind that there's lots and lots of sex out there in the world, both casual and meaningful. You don't have to shit where you sleep in order to get laid.
posted by MexicanYenta at 10:45 AM on August 11, 2010 [4 favorites]
Or, you know, what 1000 monkeys said.
posted by MexicanYenta at 10:45 AM on August 11, 2010
posted by MexicanYenta at 10:45 AM on August 11, 2010
Im really surprised at all the "do it" comments, im guessing most of them are from men that dont get laid a lot.
Me and my best friend have had a couple different female roommates live with us, all of which we haven't hooked up with. We are pretty well fed from the bars close by, so potentially ruining something with the person you live with is a big risk.
The latest girl that moved in, been here a year so far, lives right across the hall from me, and we see each other in our underwear all the time, both have great bodies, but have held off (somehow) from hooking up, even after super drunk nights.
I say dont do it.
posted by soss at 10:46 AM on August 11, 2010
Me and my best friend have had a couple different female roommates live with us, all of which we haven't hooked up with. We are pretty well fed from the bars close by, so potentially ruining something with the person you live with is a big risk.
The latest girl that moved in, been here a year so far, lives right across the hall from me, and we see each other in our underwear all the time, both have great bodies, but have held off (somehow) from hooking up, even after super drunk nights.
I say dont do it.
posted by soss at 10:46 AM on August 11, 2010
My best advice is to get a new apartment. You barely know this girl and she wants to bang nonstop. What if one day she goes cold for you as fast as she's gotten hot for you? At that point you have no exit point and you know for a fact that her brother will side with his sister. Then you'll be looking for an apartment under extremely stressful conditions.
Look, clearly it's a teenager's wet dream to have a scenario like this open up for you but if you have feelings for her then getting your own apartment will allow you to develop those feelings for her without it becoming toxic overnight.
1. Why did you move to the big city in the first place? Keep that in mind.
Best of luck.
posted by fantasticninety at 11:01 AM on August 11, 2010 [1 favorite]
Look, clearly it's a teenager's wet dream to have a scenario like this open up for you but if you have feelings for her then getting your own apartment will allow you to develop those feelings for her without it becoming toxic overnight.
1. Why did you move to the big city in the first place? Keep that in mind.
Best of luck.
posted by fantasticninety at 11:01 AM on August 11, 2010 [1 favorite]
1000monkeys, MexicanYenta and soss beat me to it.
posted by fantasticninety at 11:04 AM on August 11, 2010
posted by fantasticninety at 11:04 AM on August 11, 2010
Well, there's always the chance for things to go horribly wrong when you start a relationship with your roommate. But the one pair of roommates that I know who slept with each other eventually got married and just had their first baby last month.
Starting a relationship with her but finding a new place is probably the best route to go, though.
posted by puritycontrol at 11:24 AM on August 11, 2010
Starting a relationship with her but finding a new place is probably the best route to go, though.
posted by puritycontrol at 11:24 AM on August 11, 2010
I did this once. And she turned out to be completely fucking insane after I broke it off.
And then I ended up sleeping in my own room with a chair propped against the doorknob for several months.
And then there were the trips to the emergency room to have her stomach pumped.
And the threat of having all my belongings thrown from a second floor apartment window.
And the fact that, while living there, I could not -- despite not being in a relationship -- date anybody else. Seriously. What are you gonna say? "Never you mind my psycho ex roommate-fling-girlfriend-thing. She might rage, and she might yell, but I promise you, babe... it's nothing! Sure... I just live with her..." Right.
And then the having to find new lodging. And the having to break my lease.
So I say GO FOR IT!
All kidding aside, though... It could come out well. Or...you could end up like me in that scenario. You never know. Just be *prepared* to face the worst, and then dive in if you want to. But be prepared.
posted by kaseijin at 11:35 AM on August 11, 2010 [1 favorite]
And then I ended up sleeping in my own room with a chair propped against the doorknob for several months.
And then there were the trips to the emergency room to have her stomach pumped.
And the threat of having all my belongings thrown from a second floor apartment window.
And the fact that, while living there, I could not -- despite not being in a relationship -- date anybody else. Seriously. What are you gonna say? "Never you mind my psycho ex roommate-fling-girlfriend-thing. She might rage, and she might yell, but I promise you, babe... it's nothing! Sure... I just live with her..." Right.
And then the having to find new lodging. And the having to break my lease.
So I say GO FOR IT!
All kidding aside, though... It could come out well. Or...you could end up like me in that scenario. You never know. Just be *prepared* to face the worst, and then dive in if you want to. But be prepared.
posted by kaseijin at 11:35 AM on August 11, 2010 [1 favorite]
Well, 39 comments in, but yeah, I'm seconding all the "go for it" comments, at least as an interesting experience or a learning experience. I agree with fantasticninety that you need to line up an exit strategy. In a regular relationship there is the underlying friendship that forms a security net, and you don't really have this. You may want to look at a place to fall back on, move out but keep the benefits, or if you're going to stick with this, get on a lease with clear boundaries about who does what.
posted by crapmatic at 11:40 AM on August 11, 2010
posted by crapmatic at 11:40 AM on August 11, 2010
What happens if it doesn't end well? As weird as this sounds, my decision would be based largely on the surrounding residential real estate market. If (in the event of crisis), you could find another place to live rapidly, I would go have fun. If you're in some kind of Manhattan-type place where it's really tough to find a livable space on short notice, I would seek fun outside the apartment!
posted by Mr. Justice at 11:40 AM on August 11, 2010
posted by Mr. Justice at 11:40 AM on August 11, 2010
I'm a little creeped out by this woman's actions. She lives with her brother, is flirting with you
Yeah, I mean, people with brothers shouldn't have sex! Some things just aren't done.
posted by spaltavian at 12:06 PM on August 11, 2010 [3 favorites]
Yeah, I mean, people with brothers shouldn't have sex! Some things just aren't done.
posted by spaltavian at 12:06 PM on August 11, 2010 [3 favorites]
How hard will it be to find a new apartment? I ask because that's where you're headed. You're either going to marry this girl you'd be "banging" or you're going to move out. I mean, really, is there any middle ground? If anything goes wrong, or if you decide you want to start "banging" someone else... or is she decides to "bang" someone else... either way, it's doom.
If you'd said you met and decided not to move into the apartment but you wanted the woman, I'd say go for it.
So... how hard will it be to QUICKLY find a new apartment? That's also the answer to your original question. If you go in, you'll be moving out. It's just a matter of time.
posted by 2oh1 at 12:06 PM on August 11, 2010
If you'd said you met and decided not to move into the apartment but you wanted the woman, I'd say go for it.
So... how hard will it be to QUICKLY find a new apartment? That's also the answer to your original question. If you go in, you'll be moving out. It's just a matter of time.
posted by 2oh1 at 12:06 PM on August 11, 2010
Beware of horny men telling you to go for it. It's not their stuff you're going to find on the curb when something goes wrong.
posted by 2oh1 at 12:08 PM on August 11, 2010 [3 favorites]
posted by 2oh1 at 12:08 PM on August 11, 2010 [3 favorites]
You've written here previously about problems with roommates.
Don't walk into another dramatic situation. Or start one.
Find someone else to have sex with.
posted by dzaz at 12:11 PM on August 11, 2010 [1 favorite]
Don't walk into another dramatic situation. Or start one.
Find someone else to have sex with.
posted by dzaz at 12:11 PM on August 11, 2010 [1 favorite]
I'm a little creeped out by this woman's actions. She lives with her brother, is flirting with you
Relax.
I meant that this woman seems to be moving rather quickly. She decides that she likes him enough to have him move in, that's great.
Then she decides that she wants to have a lot of sex with someone she doesn't know very well who will be living with her and a member of her family.
It's not a move made by typically well-balanced people.
So another reason to maybe not get involved with this person in particular.
posted by dzaz at 12:21 PM on August 11, 2010 [1 favorite]
Relax.
I meant that this woman seems to be moving rather quickly. She decides that she likes him enough to have him move in, that's great.
Then she decides that she wants to have a lot of sex with someone she doesn't know very well who will be living with her and a member of her family.
It's not a move made by typically well-balanced people.
So another reason to maybe not get involved with this person in particular.
posted by dzaz at 12:21 PM on August 11, 2010 [1 favorite]
dzaz said:
You've written here previously about problems with roommates.
Don't walk into another dramatic situation. Or start one.
Find someone else to have sex with.
Wow. I find it hard to believe that after an experience like that you are so seriously considering this one.
My roommates are nutbars once, shame on them; my roommates are nutbars twice, shame on me for choosing them.
posted by fantasticninety at 12:23 PM on August 11, 2010 [2 favorites]
You've written here previously about problems with roommates.
Don't walk into another dramatic situation. Or start one.
Find someone else to have sex with.
Wow. I find it hard to believe that after an experience like that you are so seriously considering this one.
My roommates are nutbars once, shame on them; my roommates are nutbars twice, shame on me for choosing them.
posted by fantasticninety at 12:23 PM on August 11, 2010 [2 favorites]
Beware of horny men telling you to go for it.
I agree with you that the cons probably outweigh the pros here, but I wish AskMe was capable of getting through a whole relationship question without anyone being criticized for being male. The problem with the "Go for it!" responses isn't the gender of the answerer, nor is it that anyone is getting aroused by an AskMetafilter thread. The problem is that they're advocating a rash decision that has a huge, unpleasant risk, outweighing the relatively trivial benefits. (Yeah, sex is fun -- but why not find someone else to have sex with, and avert all the drama and hassle?)
posted by Jaltcoh at 12:26 PM on August 11, 2010 [2 favorites]
I agree with you that the cons probably outweigh the pros here, but I wish AskMe was capable of getting through a whole relationship question without anyone being criticized for being male. The problem with the "Go for it!" responses isn't the gender of the answerer, nor is it that anyone is getting aroused by an AskMetafilter thread. The problem is that they're advocating a rash decision that has a huge, unpleasant risk, outweighing the relatively trivial benefits. (Yeah, sex is fun -- but why not find someone else to have sex with, and avert all the drama and hassle?)
posted by Jaltcoh at 12:26 PM on August 11, 2010 [2 favorites]
If you decide to bang your roommate, you need to remember these two words:
Exit Strategy
posted by KokuRyu at 1:15 PM on August 11, 2010 [1 favorite]
Exit Strategy
posted by KokuRyu at 1:15 PM on August 11, 2010 [1 favorite]
Find someone else to have sex with.
A lot of people are suggesting this as a way to avoid weirdness. Do you honestly think it won't be weird if you turn down this girl and then bring home someone else? I say go for it. Sure, there's potential for drama, but there's the same potential down the other path too.
Also, to be honest, I think it'd be a bit of a dick move to flirt with this girl over skype, have a move in interview that goes for ages and is quite flirty, have an explicit conversation about sleeping with each other... and then turn her down and start bringing some other girl over to sleep with.
posted by twirlypen at 1:15 PM on August 11, 2010
A lot of people are suggesting this as a way to avoid weirdness. Do you honestly think it won't be weird if you turn down this girl and then bring home someone else? I say go for it. Sure, there's potential for drama, but there's the same potential down the other path too.
Also, to be honest, I think it'd be a bit of a dick move to flirt with this girl over skype, have a move in interview that goes for ages and is quite flirty, have an explicit conversation about sleeping with each other... and then turn her down and start bringing some other girl over to sleep with.
posted by twirlypen at 1:15 PM on August 11, 2010
"Sow some oats" = "find someone better than this chick"
Fair enough, I guess, but that's gonna be awkward too.
If you want to sow oats, GO LIVE SOMEWHERE ELSE. I think it's a bad move to sleep with someone you're living with - hell it's a bad move to sleep with someone in the same building in my book.
I'm a girl. Personally, I read this and I think CRAZY ALERT on the chick. At least a little crazy.
posted by micawber at 1:42 PM on August 11, 2010 [2 favorites]
Fair enough, I guess, but that's gonna be awkward too.
If you want to sow oats, GO LIVE SOMEWHERE ELSE. I think it's a bad move to sleep with someone you're living with - hell it's a bad move to sleep with someone in the same building in my book.
I'm a girl. Personally, I read this and I think CRAZY ALERT on the chick. At least a little crazy.
posted by micawber at 1:42 PM on August 11, 2010 [2 favorites]
A lot of people are being way too gung-ho about this situation. Yes, it's possible things could work out great if you start sleeping with this girl. But it's far more likely to turn the whole situation into a big dramatic clusterfuck. It's up to you whether you think it's worth the risk. But if you've just come out of a bunch of drama filled living arrangements why the heck would you immediately go and do something which may well lead to the exact same thing?
posted by Justinian at 2:16 PM on August 11, 2010 [1 favorite]
posted by Justinian at 2:16 PM on August 11, 2010 [1 favorite]
If you're going to do this you need to set some ground rules and figure out what this is BEFORE you sleep together.
Seriously:
1) are you going to start dating?
2) is this just sex?
3) will you continue to date other people?
4) will you bring these people back to your house?
These questions, and so many more, need to be answered before you start sleeping with her.
posted by whoaali at 3:16 PM on August 11, 2010
Seriously:
1) are you going to start dating?
2) is this just sex?
3) will you continue to date other people?
4) will you bring these people back to your house?
These questions, and so many more, need to be answered before you start sleeping with her.
posted by whoaali at 3:16 PM on August 11, 2010
By the way, despite my comment I think it is probably a foregone conclusion that you're going to take the plunge. So you should really just start with the damage mitigation.
posted by Justinian at 3:39 PM on August 11, 2010
posted by Justinian at 3:39 PM on August 11, 2010
If you think with your penis, don't be surprised if you're the one who ends up getting screwed...
posted by 1000monkeys at 4:53 PM on August 11, 2010 [2 favorites]
posted by 1000monkeys at 4:53 PM on August 11, 2010 [2 favorites]
It's one thing to fall in love with your roommate; it's another thing to start having "semi-sexual chats" before you even agree to move in! I think you may have some boundary/drama issues. Probably best to just find a new apartment and date the girl.
posted by yarly at 5:09 PM on August 11, 2010 [1 favorite]
posted by yarly at 5:09 PM on August 11, 2010 [1 favorite]
If you're fine with the fact that she (or you) might decide to have sex with other people and bring them over to the place, go for it but for God's sake make sure you both have that agreement first.
posted by Wuggie Norple at 6:10 PM on August 11, 2010
posted by Wuggie Norple at 6:10 PM on August 11, 2010
BAD IDEA.
I did this once. She turned out to be crazy. I had a year lease. You do the math.
posted by paultopia at 6:56 PM on August 11, 2010
I did this once. She turned out to be crazy. I had a year lease. You do the math.
posted by paultopia at 6:56 PM on August 11, 2010
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posted by spicynuts at 8:52 AM on August 11, 2010 [2 favorites]