My roommates are driving me nuts. How do I make them stop?

October 23, 2007 11:11 AM

What can I do about my roommates that f**k with me? Is there some legal way to deal with this? Is there some sort of Jedi mind trick I can put on them to make them stop? It is really getting bad and it may turn violent. Please help find a way to deal with this.

I found these guys through a mutual friend or we were kind of in the same circles so I thought it would be OK to move on in. I was in desperate need of somewhere.

It all started out OK but one of the roommates (who lived in the basement) screwed our other roommate out of the rent so he left. We immediately got a new guy who was close friends with one of current roommates to move in. This was, for a short time, a good thing.

It was then that all of their mutual friends started coming over. Now, I like to have a glass or two at night, and fall asleep/ pass out on the couch. They have taken this as "Fuck with him" time when they come home drunk.

Ok I got it. Don't fall asleep on the couch. It happened a couple of times more and now I start going after the first person I see when I wake up. Usually the biggest of our roommates. Well they like to film this and post it. Ok, I got it. don't pass out on the couch.

When they are not around each other they are pretty cool. It's just when they get together that they turn in assholes.

Well now it has progressed to them doing things, such as masturbating into my washcloth and leaving it for me to take a shower, and basically looking for any opportunity to fuck with me.

This thing could accelerate very quickly into jail time and or hospital time.

So what options do I have with this situation? Is there something legal I can do here? Is there something that isn't too illegal I can do? Can I petition the landlord and get out of my lease? Can I just leave? Should I get the police involved?

I really am at my breaking point.

posted by Botunda to human relations (60 comments total)

If you are at your breaking point, leave (because anything is better than going to jail). It doesn't make you a bad person to walk away from this horrid situation.
posted by ThePinkSuperhero at 11:14 AM on October 23, 2007 [1 favorite]

Assholes tend to travel in packs, so your best bet would be to see if one of their like-minded friends would want to move in and assume your lease. Focus on getting out of there instead of getting even. That will only make it worse.
posted by Atom12 at 11:17 AM on October 23, 2007

Leave. Send a letter to the landlord telling him you left because you feared for your personal health/safety, and go into specifics.
posted by mikepop at 11:17 AM on October 23, 2007 [2 favorites]

Move out. Or install a really good lock and keep all of your shit locked in your room. Or talk to them about it.

This seems like the type of thing where if you talk to them about it you could be perceived as more of a target. These guys sound like immature jerks. Maybe freshmen in college. It would probably be best just not to deal with it and get out of there.

Do you absolutely need to stay in this really negative situation? Because if you have other options you should just get the hell out of there.
posted by mustcatchmooseandsquirrel at 11:18 AM on October 23, 2007

Can't you just give them the "Dude, what the fuck?" when you get one of them alone? After that, maybe thrash one of 'em and let it lie.
posted by klangklangston at 11:18 AM on October 23, 2007

Assholes who devolve into petty gang mentality like this can't be reasoned with. If they are incapable of treating you with the most minimum level of basic respect (for example: refraining from jacking off into your washcloth), there is nothing you can say to give them the social skills and empathy that they apparently lack. Get out.
posted by scody at 11:18 AM on October 23, 2007

You're living with children. Move the fuck out. They are not going to stop/suddenly become decent human beings.
posted by SassHat at 11:18 AM on October 23, 2007

If you talk to a lawyer who does personal injury work, she can tell you all about potential tort claims against them. Not that a lawsuit would be a good idea, necessarily.
posted by The World Famous at 11:19 AM on October 23, 2007

Seriously consider leaving. You could escalate, sure. But that will consume you and I assume you actually have a life outside of your apartment. But it's clear they enjoy getting you mad.

Would you have to get the landlord involved? Who's on the lease?

"It all started out OK but one of the roommates (who lived in the basement) screwed our other roommate out of the rent so he left."
seems to imply someone else is.
posted by ALongDecember at 11:20 AM on October 23, 2007

+1 to leave. Just leave when they're not there. Do you have a lease with your name on it? If you don't, then SERIOUSLY leave.

You could escalate it, and we could give you all the help in the world with that, but since you're outnumbered, I don't recommend that. If you're at a university, they probably have a student legal service that can help you get out of your lease if you have one, AND assistance finding interim/replacement housing. I'd start there.
posted by TomMelee at 11:20 AM on October 23, 2007

I wouldn't bother discussing it with them, because could you honestly ever feel 100% that they have stopped messing with you for good?

Once you have somewhere to go, pack your stuff and get out. No discussions, no finding someone to take your place.

I agree you could probably sue them for something, but I think you'll feel better if you just get away quickly and cut them out of your day to day life.
posted by mikepop at 11:24 AM on October 23, 2007

If you don't, then SERIOUSLY leave.

Leaving each of them a 'brown' apple pie bed as a goodbye present.
posted by PeterMcDermott at 11:27 AM on October 23, 2007 [1 favorite]

such as masturbating into my washcloth and leaving it for me to take a shower,

MetaFilter: Cum-unity Weblog.

Do whatever you need to do to cover your ass as far as ending your involvement on the lease. Tell the yokels they can find someone else to jerk around. Good use of retribution tag.
posted by Curry at 11:29 AM on October 23, 2007

Talk to them each seperately. If that doesn't work then you have two options:

a) Get back at them with a much more cruel prank. Hopefully one involving feces in their food. And by posting videos, they just opened up a new front in the roommate wars.

Or

b) Move out.

I suggest B becuase in the short term A would make you feel a lot better and teach a few assholes a lesson, but in the long term it's just not worth it. There will always be assholes in this world and you can valiantly crusade against them for the rest of your life if you so choose, but then you won't have any free time left to read metafilter.


Assholes are often times stupid as well and stupid people rarely back off when you shove back. They usually just get all red-faced and start swinging. Remember, these guys know where you sleep, even if it isn't the couch any longer.

Also, if you put something in writing to your landlord you'll be protected generally. He may even give you back your deposit if you play your cards right. Physical violence is no joke and I suggest you leave before this escalates into something you can't control.

Good luck.
posted by willie11 at 11:32 AM on October 23, 2007

Mikepop has it. This isn't the time to try to fix the situation with these guys. Let them realise they're being idiots, as otherwise the next unlucky guy to have anything to do with them is going to end up having to go through the same business.

It's not worth any more of your time than is necessary to get yourself out and set up somewhere else, while letting the landlord know the kind of people he's got left in his place.
posted by edd at 11:36 AM on October 23, 2007

They're fucking with you precisely because they WANT you to "escalate" the situation. They're not jacking off into your washcloth because they're out of tissues. They're doing it because they want to see you do something stupid/crazy. That's the entertainment value.

Don't give them what they want. That includes lawsuits, things that "aren't too illegal," or going after the first person you see when you wake up.

Get out. Until then, keep your stuff locked up, or get it out of the apartment. Get a case for your washcloth, toiletries, etc. And yeah, don't pass out on the couch.

Don't engage with them. And if they ask you what the problem is (amazingly, they will), just tell them that they're assholes and you're done with it. No discussions, no followup.

(I don't have a problem with fighting back, if the situation required it, or if it would make things better. But that's not what's going on here.)
posted by PlusDistance at 11:36 AM on October 23, 2007 [2 favorites]

Dude just move. Life is way too short. My guess is that people like this are hoping and praying you'll do something equally stupid so they can keep the game going forward.
posted by chunking express at 11:39 AM on October 23, 2007

Also, before you move, fill their shoes, clothes, etc, with flour. Word up.
posted by chunking express at 11:39 AM on October 23, 2007

I lived and suffered through this situation my senior year of college and it sucks hardcore. Even if you don't realize it right now, situations like are seriously mentally, emotionally, and physically exhausting. You'll look back and wonder, "How the hell did I live through that?!?!"
Echoing moving out. Now. Talk to the landlord explaining the situation to try and get off the contract. It may or may not work, but if they'll let you off- especially if you find someone to replace you (don't pick a friend of yours!)- it will save a lot of stress.
And then cease all contact with them. Don't even acknowledge their existence.
posted by jmd82 at 11:45 AM on October 23, 2007

Move out right now. I hate to break it to you, but these guys don't like you. They are familiar with you, but they don't like you. If they liked you, they might have tried a prank or two, but when it was obvious you weren't amused, they'd stop. Therefore, they don't like you, so you are not obligated to them.

Well now it has progressed to them doing things, such as masturbating into my washcloth and leaving it for me to take a shower, and basically looking for any opportunity to fuck with me.

If anyone had ever done this to me, I would have thrown them out. Literally - airborne out the door and onto the pavement.

Are you on the lease? If so, call the landlord, give notice, and leave. Don't even bother to explain yourself. Pack your things up, and disappear.

You could get revenge. I can imagine the vengeance I would seek, and it would very definitely put them in the hospital and in jail, because in my view revenge is a dish best served cold on a scorched earth. Let's just say it involves a wrench and hot-iron branding, and just leave it at that.

Revenge is an ugly feeling to experience and is very draining. Don't get involved with it.

This is your life, not some dumb game. Just flag them, and move on.
posted by Pastabagel at 11:47 AM on October 23, 2007 [4 favorites]

You should read some of the threads about avoiding bullying/blending in/not being a target for future use, but with these guys you've already lost your chance. I.e. even if you start acting like someone they wouldn't bully, they'll know you're faking it. There is no going back. Move out.
posted by anaelith at 11:51 AM on October 23, 2007

Was one of these roommates the recipient of your ping pong ball experience gift? If so, not very appreciative of him.

Move out. Get thee gone. Pack your bags. Sometimes it's nice to share a place with people -- makes rent cheaper -- but you're living with asses and the money you're saving isn't worth it. Particularly if they're uploading goofy videos of you drunk to teh intarwebs. Oh, and that washcloth business... really uncool. That's got to be up there with a horse's head, as a sign that needs little interpretation. Consider the merits of a studio apt. for your next housing arrangement. Consider the merits of finding completely new friends.
posted by mumkin at 11:51 AM on October 23, 2007 [1 favorite]

Also, before you move, fill their shoes, clothes, etc, with flour. Word up.

Or maybe just burn all of their stuff. Try to put the blame on someone else (maybe the landlord?).

And finally, don't forget to leave a couple of boobie traps when you leave.
posted by sour cream at 11:52 AM on October 23, 2007

Seconding Plusdistance - the more you react to these bullies, the more you drunkenly try to attack them or plead with them to stop, the funnier it is to them. You're like the midget guy on Jackass.

Get Out Now.
posted by M.C. Lo-Carb! at 11:54 AM on October 23, 2007

Retaliation could expose you to liability, just as they have exposed themselves to potentially significant tort liability through their actions.
posted by The World Famous at 11:59 AM on October 23, 2007

Temporary Restraining Order. Will shut them up real good, especially when they try to come back to get their stuff. Call the cops right away when they do.
posted by Ironmouth at 12:04 PM on October 23, 2007 [1 favorite]

IANAL, but if you are a student (and I'm guessing you must be if you're living with jerks like this), seek the help of student services. Hell, even if you're not but look student age, you might be able to just walk in to student services at the nearby university and say "I'm Joe, junior business major. I've got this problem....." and get some free advice.
If you've signed a lease together instead of separate agreements with the landlord, it may well be the case in your area that you can just walk out (bye bye deposit) but it won't affect your history-on-paper unless THEY start coming up short on the rent. And they won't want to be evicted. This may not be the case in your area--you may have signed something to the effect that if you leave you owe an extra month and you still get a black mark.
Either way, nthing everyone else. Inform the landlord you are leaving and why. Leave ASAP.
posted by Martin E. at 12:09 PM on October 23, 2007

Get out, leave, move. From what you've described, it's progressed too far to be stopped by reason or appeals. Something ugly is bound to happen if you stick around or even try to deal with them.

Kudos to you though, for going after the biggest one.

On preview:
Do not get a restraining order. That'll really piss'em off and they'll do something worse and then you'll do something worse. Get your stuff and go. As good as it would feel to get back at them, do you really want to go through any more trouble because of these idiots?
posted by Brandon Blatcher at 12:10 PM on October 23, 2007

@ IronMouth:
Is it possible to get a restraining order on all their asses. May force them to move out?

@ everyone:
Thank you. It seems that the general consensus it to get the fuck out now.

I am on the lease and I feel that if I contact the landlord before leaving I will incur even more of their wrath. I just wonder if I am liable for breaking the lease. Or is it even worth it to worry about that?
posted by Botunda at 12:13 PM on October 23, 2007

Martin E. is right about the legal aspects (at least in my jurisdiction, yours may vary, but probably not). You and everybody else on the lease is jointly and severally responsible for the rent. That means that, as he mentions, your credit report could get hurt if the rent doesn't get paid. You are liable for breaking the lease, but what that really means is that the landlord could legally go after you for any unpaid rent, but (s)he probably won't because it's much easier to go after the remaining roommates than after you.
posted by phoenixy at 12:20 PM on October 23, 2007

You should worry about your liability for possibly breaking the lease if you want your current landlord to give you a good rental reference, or to not go after you for any fees you may incur by breaking the lease without following proper procedure. Talk to your landlord, explain the situation, ask him or her to keep it confidential until you are able to make your move. Do not let these guys get the last laugh by making you act brashly and affect your credit or rental history.
posted by DrGirlfriend at 12:24 PM on October 23, 2007

You probably are liable for breaking the lease, but as long as you're not the only one whose name is on the lease and the rent keeps getting paid, your landlord may not care (the smart ones are pragmatic and bottom-line oriented). Worst case scenario, you end up in small claims court for the balance of your share of the rent between now and when the rent expires. Still a small price to pay.

I think you know not to tell ANYONE you are moving out. Your to do list:

1. Just find a place and get out when everyone else is at work/school/bar etc.
2. Leave all keys, etc.
3. Leave a brief note explaining that you are moving out. State clearly your concerns for your person and property. State that you give up all rights and responsibilities of tenancy.
4. Append a list of the incidents and
5. Leave a PO box for future contact.
6. Mail a copy of this to the landlord and (perhaps) follow up with a phone call to him in a couple of days.
7. Get on with your life!

This has situation has a very Lord of the Flies feel to it and you need to get out before (metaporrically) your head ends up on a stick.
posted by OlderThanTOS at 12:33 PM on October 23, 2007 [2 favorites]

Further from what phoenixy said, it does mean that if they break the lease and move out without notice while your name is still on, you may get reported even if you're several months gone and they had an unofficial subletter in your room paying your share.

There are few opportunities for revenge that are not either beneath you or opening yourself up to harsh consequences. However, there is that urban legend about the vacationers who developed their photos from a cruise only to find several photos of a cabin boy with their toothbrushes inserted into him. If you have a camera and a willing cabin boy....
posted by Martin E. at 12:34 PM on October 23, 2007

Many states have laws against "Assault with bodily fluids".

I'd move out today, file an assault charge, get STD tested on their dime, and then see what else happens.
posted by whoda at 12:45 PM on October 23, 2007 [2 favorites]

Dude, get out. Just get out, now and tell the landlord why, too. They know what a bunch of chuckleheads students can be. I'm not saying he'll act understanding, but he'll know where you're coming from. Everyone's had dickhead roommates before.

So like everyone else said: get a place. Get your stuff out. Then, on moving day, once you're sweeping up and nobody's around: upper decker. Landlord'll think it was one of those bozos anyway.
posted by chinese_fashion at 12:46 PM on October 23, 2007 [1 favorite]

There is nothing to discuss with people like this. Leave now. Whatever rights you perceive you might have in this matter are irrelevant. You have become the scapegoat in an infantile bonding ritual. Chalk it up to experience on the pitfalls of unanticipated social dynamics.
posted by gallois at 12:51 PM on October 23, 2007 [1 favorite]

if they have documented their actions on film it might be a good idea to get copies before you move out. im not a lawyer but it seems like it could only bolster your case should you decide to pursue legal recourse at a later date.
posted by phil at 12:58 PM on October 23, 2007

If you give notice to your landlord or housemates, you're in for a month of nightmare. Find a new place today, move tomorrow while they're out of the house, and *then* give notice to your landlord. Sure, you'll be on the hook for a third of the rent for a month. Yeah, it sucks. Small price to pay.
posted by ten pounds of inedita at 1:12 PM on October 23, 2007 [1 favorite]

Move the hell out of there straight away. You don't need that kind of crap in your life. Fuck those guys, they are obviously complete assholes. Don't waste another second of your life on them if you don't have to. Take a crap on their beds when you leave.
posted by ReiToei at 1:17 PM on October 23, 2007

You can also have 'em take some E with you. That tends to mellow out personality conflicts.

Of course, you'll have to hug them.
posted by klangklangston at 1:23 PM on October 23, 2007

I'd say you wouldn't be on the hook for the rent. It absolutely depends on your lease. Leases aren't like heart-felt promises not to leave, they provide guidance as to what happens if you DO leave. I'm sure your lease doesn't provide for giz-soaked washcloths either. That's gotta be a healthcode violation right there.

Fuck the legalities. Just leave.
posted by letahl at 1:36 PM on October 23, 2007 [1 favorite]

Yeah, I'm with the "leave" crowd. Do you have friends who'll take you in temporarily while you search for a new place?
posted by ericb at 2:06 PM on October 23, 2007

leave, get off the lease, and then write a letter to their mothers, and their grandmothers. tell them everything. dont forget the grandmothers.

wait three months. sign them up for as many magazine subscriptions as you can find, checking the "bill me later" box. gay porn, straight porn, food and wine, ranger rick, aarp. wear gloves. tell no one.

wait another three months. slash their tires.
posted by brooklynexperiment at 2:15 PM on October 23, 2007

So the info that someone dropped one on my washcloth was told to me by the "good" roommate. I guess the further question is should I even approach the other guys about it? I am sure they are waiting to ask how my shower was this morning.
posted by Botunda at 2:47 PM on October 23, 2007

This is absolutely horrific treatment - I've lived with roommates who've given me the cold shoulder before, but this is beyond the pale, especially the washcloth incident. Your roomies sounds like absolute treasures.

Then, on moving day, once you're sweeping up and nobody's around: upper decker. Landlord'll think it was one of those bozos anyway.

Excellent idea for a parting shot, but don't forget, there's also the notorious "dry dock".
posted by porn in the woods at 2:49 PM on October 23, 2007

Leave, but make sure you tell everyone else why you're going. What I mean is "I had to move out.....they would jerk off all over the place. I wasn't into that".
posted by lemonfridge at 3:08 PM on October 23, 2007

Visine in their drinks, them move out.
posted by Camofrog at 3:26 PM on October 23, 2007

Uh, on Snopesing the Visine trick perhaps it's not such a good idea.
posted by Camofrog at 3:30 PM on October 23, 2007 [1 favorite]

1. Get a new place/friends' couch for a week.
2. Move your stuff out when nobody is around.
3. Don't give them the address of your new place.
4. Only once your stuff is secure in your new place should you mention to anybody (roommates, landlord) that you're moving. Give the landlord a PO Box for contact info; no reason to give it to your roommates.
5. Tell the landlord what the situation was, and that you feel physically unsafe in the house.
6. Leave a note for the roommates saying something short and sweet. "I've moved out. See you around." I don't know how you can phrase any kind of parting shot, so as to bring it home to them how bad this has been, in a way they would understand without just laughing off.

The only way to win this situation is to exit. Really, it sounds like these guys are about 13 years old, and the rest of their lives they'll be paying the price for it in their other relationships etc. Don't approach them about the washcloth thing. Can you imagine any way that would go well? Whatever you say, they'll be snickering at you -- because they're morons, rather than rational adults.
posted by LobsterMitten at 3:35 PM on October 23, 2007

Well, shit. There's fucking with your roommates, and then there's fucking with your roommates. One of my roommates is just amazing when he wakes up and we have definitely taken advantage of it. Of course, he retaliates by dry-humping one of us awake and it's all in good fun. But masturbating in your washcloth? That's not even funny, that's just creepy and weird. Move.
posted by schroedinger at 3:45 PM on October 23, 2007

Mikepop had it exactly right.

Leave. Send a letter to the landlord telling him you left because you feared for your personal health/safety, and go into specifics.
posted by IndigoRain at 4:35 PM on October 23, 2007

OlderThanTOS writes "1. Just find a place and get out when everyone else is at work/school/bar etc.
"2. Leave all keys, etc.
"3. Leave a brief note explaining that you are moving out. State clearly your concerns for your person and property. State that you give up all rights and responsibilities of tenancy.
"4. Append a list of the incidents and
"5. Leave a PO box for future contact.
"6. Mail a copy of this to the landlord and (perhaps) follow up with a phone call to him in a couple of days.
"7. Get on with your life!"

Don't forget to forward your mail.
posted by Mitheral at 7:40 PM on October 23, 2007

Leave, but not before you can leave behind an upper decker.
posted by Frank Grimes at 7:52 PM on October 23, 2007

I would rather be in debt for the rest of my life and commute, on foot, from an oil rig to school than to live in that house for five minutes.

Leave, before these Todd Packers start excreting things into your food.

Egad, man. You're made in the image of God. You don't have to take this from anyone.
posted by 4ster at 7:58 PM on October 23, 2007 [1 favorite]

It might pay to start documenting any expenses you can imagine could be related to their actions (such as drycleaning bills, re washcloth). If anyone tries to hit you up for rent once you've dissappeared, you've got a claim that you've actually paid the rent minus your damages.

Your time is billable too.

These records would also be useful if you go to small claims, or have to talk to the landlord, or whatever.
posted by -harlequin- at 9:13 PM on October 23, 2007

Disclosure: my family is in the property management business. Please do write your landlord a letter telling them that you are moving out and why. Document the hell out the incidents that have occurred. Ask him to not to engage the other tenants in a discussion about it; tell him that you don't feel safe living there and you need to get out of there as quickly & discreetly as possible. Chances are, the landlord will understand unless he is a complete douchenozzle. You may have to eat it on the security deposit, unless you are willing to take your ex-roomates to Small Claims court for it.

There's is also a pretty good chance that these guys will try to fuck with the landlord sometime in the near future and having a letter from you detailing what complete psychos they are will make it much easier for him to evict them. Karma, baby.
posted by echolalia67 at 9:46 PM on October 23, 2007

Botunda. I see you've mostly made up your mind about leaving. Good. I'd just like to emphasize the point others have made: don't let anyone know you're leaving.

You mentioned somewhere a "good" roommate. Don't fall into the temptation of letting this person know either. I know, there's always comfort in having someone on your side in a difficult situation, but one can never be sure what someone else will do, right? And if this guy lets slip that you're splitting, then you can be absolutely certain that they'll make sure you have an appropriate parting gift, so to speak. You can always ring him up when you're settled in someone else's couch.

All things pass, and this will too. You'll be fine. Don't forget to keep us posted.
posted by papafrita at 9:48 PM on October 23, 2007

I know it's tempting but try not to engage in any retaliation; simply document everything that's happened to the best of your ability. You don't want to prolong your involvement with these creeps nor give them additional ammunition to search you out and fuck with you more.
posted by 6550 at 11:40 PM on October 23, 2007

Absolutely by God do NOT tell the shitbreaths you are leaving. Pack quietly and quickly. Find another place to live and DON'T tell them where! This is after you've given the landlord a letter -- of which you have made copies -- detailing the horrible conditions you have endured. And do NOT trust the "good" roommate. If he's been involved in any of these so-called pranks, he ain't your friend.

Oh, if one of these dimwits leaves another "present" in your washcloth or clothing, keep it in a Ziploc bag as evidence -- as did Monica Lewinsky and her Clinton-stained dress.

But mainly, GET OUT. Now.
posted by Smalltown Girl at 9:21 PM on October 24, 2007

Let us know if you've gotten out yet. And if you left an "upper decker" or "dry dock" as a parting gift (I learn so much from MetaFilter!).
posted by Locative at 11:32 PM on October 28, 2007