Right, wrong, or ambiguous, and does it need a rewrite?
May 5, 2024 6:07 PM Subscribe
I have a question about the following sentence: "The journalism that I hope to participate in would go beyond simply identifying our world's problems, whether it be investigating their root causes, writing about potential solutions, or simply focusing on things currently going right."
When I first read this sentence, I thought the phrase starting with "whether it be" was going to be a list of examples of "our world's problems". But instead, it was a list of examples of how "the journalism I hope to participate in". I had to go back and reread the sentence a second time.
Question one: does the grammar imply my first reading? Does the grammar indicate that the list should be a list of problems? In other words, is the sentence grammatically incorrect?
Question two: is the sentence confusing as written, and will other people make the same mental stumble that I made? If so, how should it be rewritten?
When I first read this sentence, I thought the phrase starting with "whether it be" was going to be a list of examples of "our world's problems". But instead, it was a list of examples of how "the journalism I hope to participate in". I had to go back and reread the sentence a second time.
Question one: does the grammar imply my first reading? Does the grammar indicate that the list should be a list of problems? In other words, is the sentence grammatically incorrect?
Question two: is the sentence confusing as written, and will other people make the same mental stumble that I made? If so, how should it be rewritten?
it goes beyond x, to achieve y, whether that (achieving y) be by 1, 2, 3
It's missing a clause.
posted by Sebmojo at 6:13 PM on May 5 [2 favorites]
It's missing a clause.
posted by Sebmojo at 6:13 PM on May 5 [2 favorites]
(I also don’t think that focusing on non-problems (the third option) is really going beyond identifying problems, but that’s not what you asked.
posted by chesty_a_arthur at 6:13 PM on May 5
posted by chesty_a_arthur at 6:13 PM on May 5
+1 to chesty’s edit.
I would also rewrite the beginning of the sentence to “I hope to participate in journalism that would…”, assuming that flows well with the previous sentence.
posted by mekily at 6:25 PM on May 5 [3 favorites]
I would also rewrite the beginning of the sentence to “I hope to participate in journalism that would…”, assuming that flows well with the previous sentence.
posted by mekily at 6:25 PM on May 5 [3 favorites]
Agreed that the grammar implies your first reading. The minimal fix would be to change from "whether is be investigating" to "whether it be by investigating".
That said, a re-write like chesty_a_arthur's would be better.
posted by ssg at 6:26 PM on May 5 [1 favorite]
That said, a re-write like chesty_a_arthur's would be better.
posted by ssg at 6:26 PM on May 5 [1 favorite]
This is a bit beyond the scope of your question, but I might also change 'write about' to something like 'examine'.
posted by theory at 6:32 PM on May 5 [1 favorite]
posted by theory at 6:32 PM on May 5 [1 favorite]
Yes, the sentence is grammatically incorrect and will produce a mental stumble.
You can correct this by inserting ‘by’, so that it says ‘whether it be by investigating…’
That’s the simplest solution.
posted by Salamander at 7:48 PM on May 5 [3 favorites]
You can correct this by inserting ‘by’, so that it says ‘whether it be by investigating…’
That’s the simplest solution.
posted by Salamander at 7:48 PM on May 5 [3 favorites]
OMG.
original:
"The journalism that I hope to participate in would go beyond simply identifying our world's problems, whether it be investigating their root causes, writing about potential solutions, or simply focusing on things currently going right."
posted by amtho at 7:56 PM on May 5 [19 favorites]
There's already a lot of journalism pointing out our world's problems. I want to go beyond that: finding root causes, exploring solutions, or showing what's going right.
original:
"The journalism that I hope to participate in would go beyond simply identifying our world's problems, whether it be investigating their root causes, writing about potential solutions, or simply focusing on things currently going right."
posted by amtho at 7:56 PM on May 5 [19 favorites]
I think I could tighten up amtho’s even more, but the way they’ve restructured it is much more readable for me.
posted by Tell Me No Lies at 9:55 PM on May 5
posted by Tell Me No Lies at 9:55 PM on May 5
To answer the first question: yes, it kind of implies your first reading, but even there you have a problem because the "it" in "whether it be" is supposed to refer (in that reading) to "our world's problems", so you get a single-plural mismatch.
I like some of the more drastic rewrites above. If you wanted to stay as close as possible to the original, another option is
"The journalism that I hope to participate in would go beyond simply identifying our world's problems, whether by investigating their root causes, writing about potential solutions, or simply focusing on things currently going right."
posted by trig at 12:53 AM on May 6 [1 favorite]
I like some of the more drastic rewrites above. If you wanted to stay as close as possible to the original, another option is
"The journalism that I hope to participate in would go beyond simply identifying our world's problems, whether by investigating their root causes, writing about potential solutions, or simply focusing on things currently going right."
posted by trig at 12:53 AM on May 6 [1 favorite]
I want to be a thoughtful, helpful and positive journalist.
posted by some little punk in a rocket at 2:02 AM on May 6
posted by some little punk in a rocket at 2:02 AM on May 6
I parsed it as intended the first read (the use of singular it clued me that it was talking about the person's journalism, rather than plural they which would clue talking about the problems)
Consider: "Susan has an ice cream cone and three dogs. They are very hairy." Few readers would suggest that the ice cream cone was hairy (well, other than what shedding causes).
But it's not a great sentence. The whole thing would be stronger in active voice and a good rewrite would take care of the ambiguity.
"My journalism goes beyond simply identifying our world's problems - investigating their root causes, writing about potential solutions, or focusing on things currently going right."
Or
"I go beyond simply identifying our world's problems with my journalism . . ."
Passive voice is often used to create confusion or deny responsibility ("mistakes were made") so avoiding it also helps avoid confusion.
"The journalism that I hope to participate in"
That's a distraction from the key point - don't lead in with a distraction.
posted by Candleman at 5:40 AM on May 6
Consider: "Susan has an ice cream cone and three dogs. They are very hairy." Few readers would suggest that the ice cream cone was hairy (well, other than what shedding causes).
But it's not a great sentence. The whole thing would be stronger in active voice and a good rewrite would take care of the ambiguity.
"My journalism goes beyond simply identifying our world's problems - investigating their root causes, writing about potential solutions, or focusing on things currently going right."
Or
"I go beyond simply identifying our world's problems with my journalism . . ."
Passive voice is often used to create confusion or deny responsibility ("mistakes were made") so avoiding it also helps avoid confusion.
"The journalism that I hope to participate in"
That's a distraction from the key point - don't lead in with a distraction.
posted by Candleman at 5:40 AM on May 6
Agree with everything said above and amtho's rewrite is great. However if you are going to stick closely to the original, please change the initial clause to "the journalism in which I hope to participate" so that poor little "in" isn't left dangling all by itself.
posted by Athanassiel at 5:41 AM on May 6 [1 favorite]
posted by Athanassiel at 5:41 AM on May 6 [1 favorite]
Response by poster: Thank you all for the feedback. Very helpful. I'm going to mark this resolved.
posted by Winnie the Proust at 11:17 AM on May 6
posted by Winnie the Proust at 11:17 AM on May 6
I should have said: the original sentence is not just confusing, it's ambiguous.
The speaker might mean what I wrote above, or they might mean something like:
The speaker might mean what I wrote above, or they might mean something like:
A lot of journalism is about problems and solutions. I want to go beyond that, and connect readers to the experience of being a human being and being alive. Life isn't about problems and solutions, it's about our moment-by-moment connection with each other, with ourselves, and with the world around us. That's why we solve problems in the first place. Experiencing connection is the only thing that truly gives meaning, and we need that before we can even care about anything else. That's my niche - proving to the reader that they are not alone in a meaningless world.posted by amtho at 11:37 AM on May 6
Just to note that one could stay very close to the original, whilst also making better use of active voice, by pulling the middle clause out to the start. This also gives potentially nicer flow from the global theme through personal motivation to specific supporting detail.
"Beyond simply identifying our world's problems, the journalism that I hope to participate in would investigate their root causes, write about potential solutions or focus on things currently going right."
Though all else being equal, I agree that a more extensive rewrite as per several of the suggestions above would be best.
posted by protorp at 1:04 PM on May 6 [1 favorite]
"Beyond simply identifying our world's problems, the journalism that I hope to participate in would investigate their root causes, write about potential solutions or focus on things currently going right."
Though all else being equal, I agree that a more extensive rewrite as per several of the suggestions above would be best.
posted by protorp at 1:04 PM on May 6 [1 favorite]
There's already a lot of journalism pointing out our world's problems. I want to go beyond that: finding root causes, exploring solutions, or showing what's going right.
...and showing what's going right.
posted by rhizome at 1:30 AM on May 7
...and showing what's going right.
posted by rhizome at 1:30 AM on May 7
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You could use “go beyond X to Y” but when there are three options for Y it gets pretty wordy.
posted by chesty_a_arthur at 6:12 PM on May 5 [10 favorites]