Books/resources on negotiating, by women

July 3, 2023 10:49 AM

I've run into multiple situations recently where I've struggled to advocate for myself in business settings, either as a customer or at work. What women or nonbinary writers have written about how to better advocate for yourself and negotiate in these situations?

Some example situations:
-My apartment building starts enforcing a policy that is not written down and has never been enforced before but means I can no longer use a service I love and have used for years. The building manager shut down all of my arguments without explanation (just lots of repetitions of "I understand that your argument is X, but the answer is no") and then found an excuse to hang up on me.
-I made a decision at work but the person executing the decision said "we are not doing that because [reason]", ignored all of my explanations about why [reason] doesn't apply here, and escalated it to my boss. My boss will back me up, but I don't want to be the person who always goes to my boss—I am supposed to be in a leadership role. I went from feeling like I had made a decision to feeling like I had no power and had to beg someone else to reconsider.
-Either I or the system made a mistake while entering my information while buying an airline ticket. But either way, I had to pay to have it changed.

My dad is absolutely AMAZING at handling these situations. He has successfully negotiated for the outcome he wants even in situations like #3 where the policy was always clear. He walks into hotels and gets free upgrades to nicer rooms. But he's also able to rely on being a likable upper-middle-class white man who looks and sounds like one would expect an authority figure to look and sound (though we are Jewish, so we are members of an ethnic and cultural minority). He looks up to Dale Carnegie as an example and recommended his writing.

But the thing is, I am not my dad and I am not Dale Carnegie. I am a female-presenting nonbinary person with a small stature and nasal voice. I'm in my 30s but frequently get mistaken for younger. I know I have to struggle harder to get out of the categories that people place me in because of the way I look and sound.

So, who is the Dale Carnegie for people who look and sound like me, and what is our How to Win Friends and Influence People? What books, PDFs, or online resources would you recommend on negotiating and winning arguments in a business setting by women or nonbinary authors?

posted by capricorn to Writing & Language (11 answers total)

Specifically for women: What Works for Women at Work

Negotiating, more generally: Getting to Yes and the (sort of) sequel Getting Past No

NB: I am not a woman; these are the go-to recs from the women I work with.
posted by dorothy hawk at 11:04 AM on July 3, 2023 [1 favorite]

Victoria Medvec's Negotiate Without Fear could be great for you. It covers both business and day-to-day contexts from a semi-overtly feminist perspective and is a go-to in my circle. She's also got a few YT videos, I think.
posted by picopebbles at 11:09 AM on July 3, 2023

I haven't read it yet but I bought "How To Stand Up for Yourself Without Getting Fired" by Donna Ballman based on a recommendation from the Ask a Manager website.
posted by lapis at 11:11 AM on July 3, 2023 [1 favorite]

Leigh Thompson is very good, too. Her books include Negotiating the Sweet Spot and The Truth About Negotiations, and you can preview her presenting specifically about negotiating skills for women.
posted by picopebbles at 11:17 AM on July 3, 2023 [1 favorite]

Women Don't Ask and other books by Linda Babcock.
posted by Candleman at 11:22 AM on July 3, 2023

Have you read Lean In by Sheryl Sandberg? It's been a few years since I read it, and the emphasis is definitely on the workplace, and folks have some legit criticisms of it, but it sounds like it might be a helpful book for you in a professional context, since it speaks specifically to issues for women leaders in professional contexts.
posted by bluedaisy at 11:45 AM on July 3, 2023

Also, I want to validate that your dad is in a *very* different place, both in terms of his gender and (perhaps natural?) charisma, but also generationally. People are short-tempered and in tough places right now especially, post-pandemic, and sometimes policies are being enforced now in response to the kinds of exceptions folks like your dad have traditionally been given, that end up making more work for others.

And I almost hesitate to share this because I didn't do it intentionally, but I recently got a couple of totally unexpected freebies/upgrades that I think came about because, in one case, I was very friendly to and complimented a service person with an appearance that wasn't mainstream (and I suspect this was person was a member of a marginalized group and it took some courage to present authentically in their particular environment), and in the other case, was super friendly in a business connected to some of my community involvement. I wasn't looking for any upgrades or freebies in either situation, to be clear, and my compliments and friendliness were sincere and not any attempt to be transactional.

But right now, folks are just so stressed and strapped that being friendly and kind to folks in service roles -- when so many people in businesses are rude and demanding -- really makes a difference to them. And, sometimes they then pay this back. But again, I am hesitating to share this, because the emphasis for me is on "be nice and friendly," not "because you might get something in return."
posted by bluedaisy at 11:55 AM on July 3, 2023 [3 favorites]

I haven’t listened but maybe check this podcast with Mori Taharipour, the author of Bring Yourself.
posted by alicat at 12:22 PM on July 3, 2023

The Gentle Art of Verbal Self Defence is something I found helpful.
posted by bq at 1:11 PM on July 3, 2023 [1 favorite]

Your Dad is a man. You are not. In many environments, women have less social capital/ status. The Gentle Art of Verbal Self Defence is quite useful.

Make friends/ connections. Don't be unassuming. Make sure you get credit for your work. I've had some women managers who succeed by being very competent, very smart, having a lot of drive. They developed strategies to succeed.
posted by theora55 at 8:07 AM on July 4, 2023 [2 favorites]

This is my expertise! More about our work here. We offer coaching and workshops. Holler if you're interested.

If you want a more academic answer, I'd recommend looking into Hannah Riley Bowles's work.

And one quick tip for free: in all of the examples you cited, you are trying to "win" an "argument" by talking persuasively. That rarely works for anyone. Start by asking questions. Why is this policy important to you? What are your concerns about executing this policy? This is the #1 secret for anyone in a negotiation....but especially for women and non-binary people who will be dismissed if they don't put in the expected work to build a relationship and make the other person feel heard.
posted by equipoise at 3:10 PM on July 5, 2023