Reframing the back to school conversation
July 4, 2020 5:27 PM Subscribe
Our lockdown is over, and the teens in the house will be heading back to school soon. Overall, lockdown has been fine, and the kids and their schools did pretty well.
We intentionally let the kids have a more relaxed schedule, including more screen time, and think this was a good choice.
But school re-starts, getting up early is back on the menu, and time for screens needs to go down.
Looking for how other parents have handled this. In particular, something my parents used to say annoyed me back then, and still does to an extent. In fact, I don’t think I’ve ever said this to my kids. The basic pattern is something like “time expression” + “a responsibility to deal with”. It’s a bit like this joke:
My parents regularly trotted out things like:
Now you’re X years old, you need to Y.
X is over, it’s time to Y.
You’re X now, you should Y.
Given the situation and the fact this is not something they hear all the time, I don’t think there’s anything wrong with saying to my kids: “Lockdown is over, back to normal schedules and screen time rules”, but maybe you have an alternative way of expressing it.
So 2 questions:
1. What are other / better ways to frame this?
2. Is there a name for the “X is over, it’s time to Y” phrasing?
Many thanks!
Looking for how other parents have handled this. In particular, something my parents used to say annoyed me back then, and still does to an extent. In fact, I don’t think I’ve ever said this to my kids. The basic pattern is something like “time expression” + “a responsibility to deal with”. It’s a bit like this joke:
My parents regularly trotted out things like:
Now you’re X years old, you need to Y.
X is over, it’s time to Y.
You’re X now, you should Y.
Given the situation and the fact this is not something they hear all the time, I don’t think there’s anything wrong with saying to my kids: “Lockdown is over, back to normal schedules and screen time rules”, but maybe you have an alternative way of expressing it.
So 2 questions:
1. What are other / better ways to frame this?
2. Is there a name for the “X is over, it’s time to Y” phrasing?
Many thanks!
My temptation here would be to frame it in less of a "X is over, now we have to Y" kind of way and more of a "here's the situation, let's work together to figure out the best way to approach it" kind of way.
In other words: have the conversation be one in which you all mutually talk through and try to agree on the best strategy for being prepared for school starting again -- which means jointly figuring out the screen time strategy, but also talking about other logistic and emotional issues that might have to be sorted through. Especially if they are teenagers, I think they'll respond a lot better to this sort of approach than one where you just impose it: the behavioural outcome may be identical but they'll have buy-in.
posted by forza at 7:03 PM on July 4, 2020 [7 favorites]
In other words: have the conversation be one in which you all mutually talk through and try to agree on the best strategy for being prepared for school starting again -- which means jointly figuring out the screen time strategy, but also talking about other logistic and emotional issues that might have to be sorted through. Especially if they are teenagers, I think they'll respond a lot better to this sort of approach than one where you just impose it: the behavioural outcome may be identical but they'll have buy-in.
posted by forza at 7:03 PM on July 4, 2020 [7 favorites]
"School is restarting so that means screen time needs to go back to pre-pandemic levels of X and you'll need to be up by N o'clock. How can I support you in that?"
posted by cocoagirl at 9:15 PM on July 4, 2020 [1 favorite]
posted by cocoagirl at 9:15 PM on July 4, 2020 [1 favorite]
Strongly second the general talk-through and team-based logistical/emotional planning. And caution against imposing a plan and asking something like 'How can I support you in that?' That kind of thing sounds disingenuous and gaslighty to me. Because screen time doesn't HAVE to change, it is something being imposed on them. Also, the pandemic isn't over, and things are still very stressful for kids/teens. The idea of losing what is likely a very powerful coping mechanism, when the situation has barely even changed... is going to feel grim for good reason. And framing it as 'helping' them would just spark all my contempt as a kid/teen. That kind of fake simultaneous pragmatic/saccharine 'help me help you' tone never sounds authentic because it's not authentic, it's always about making the kid capitulate and pantomime buying into whatever is imposed on them. If you can problem solve together it will likely be less traumatic for them.
posted by thegreatfleecircus at 9:46 PM on July 4, 2020 [2 favorites]
posted by thegreatfleecircus at 9:46 PM on July 4, 2020 [2 favorites]
Are they going back to school in the summer? If you're preparing them for September, maybe just let them have their summer to relax. There was nothing I hated more as a teenager than doing things before they NEEDED to be done, even if that is theoretically the wise adult move. I just wanted to sleep and be otherwise left to my own devices.
If the return to school is indeed imminent, I think you should start by asking for their ideas. "You're back at school in 5 days. Do you think it's going to be a rough transition? How are you going to cope? How could you make it easier on yourself?"
Then support them in following through with their own plans. Resist the urge to add your own ideas or imply their ideas aren't workable or wise. I think teenagers are old enough to generate their own strategies. And if they get it wrong, they get it wrong and maybe they'll get it right the next time.
posted by cranberrymonger at 12:11 AM on July 5, 2020 [2 favorites]
If the return to school is indeed imminent, I think you should start by asking for their ideas. "You're back at school in 5 days. Do you think it's going to be a rough transition? How are you going to cope? How could you make it easier on yourself?"
Then support them in following through with their own plans. Resist the urge to add your own ideas or imply their ideas aren't workable or wise. I think teenagers are old enough to generate their own strategies. And if they get it wrong, they get it wrong and maybe they'll get it right the next time.
posted by cranberrymonger at 12:11 AM on July 5, 2020 [2 favorites]
Response by poster: Thanks for the comments so far. The return is imminent, cranberrymonger.
posted by Calvin and the Duplicators at 12:46 AM on July 5, 2020 [1 favorite]
posted by Calvin and the Duplicators at 12:46 AM on July 5, 2020 [1 favorite]
I was just speaking to my teenager about this question. In our house pre-pandemic, both of my kids were so busy with after school activities, volunteering, and homework that we only really had vague screentime rules like "what homework do you have? Do that first," and "turn devices off a half hour before your bedtime."
So one thing that came up in conversation with my kid was "What else do they have to do?" It might be good to set them times to wake up, chores to get ready for school, walks to take, etc., and kind of work the transition around that. Presumably the rules you had before weren't random, so maybe it's about reminding yourselves what the reason?
Screentime is very personal and hard but my perspective for the teenage years is that I would rather that my child have some rope to hang himself at a time that we're still right here and his mistakes are cheaper (i.e. if he blows a physed/health assignment in high school it's better than failing a university-level course.)
posted by warriorqueen at 6:01 AM on July 5, 2020
So one thing that came up in conversation with my kid was "What else do they have to do?" It might be good to set them times to wake up, chores to get ready for school, walks to take, etc., and kind of work the transition around that. Presumably the rules you had before weren't random, so maybe it's about reminding yourselves what the reason?
Screentime is very personal and hard but my perspective for the teenage years is that I would rather that my child have some rope to hang himself at a time that we're still right here and his mistakes are cheaper (i.e. if he blows a physed/health assignment in high school it's better than failing a university-level course.)
posted by warriorqueen at 6:01 AM on July 5, 2020
How about something like, “Our schedules are changing next week because of the return to school. [Let’s work on | I set up] a plan for the change and our new schedules to make it a little easier on everyone when that happens.” Which bracketed choice you pick will depend on whether you are honestly open to having their input or not.
posted by Night_owl at 6:04 AM on July 5, 2020 [1 favorite]
posted by Night_owl at 6:04 AM on July 5, 2020 [1 favorite]
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posted by corey flood at 5:52 PM on July 4, 2020 [1 favorite]