What blatantly ridiculous titles can I give myself?
October 21, 2018 8:55 AM Subscribe
I'm so tired of being asked my title when I'm dealing with sales people. Returning a faulty memory card adaptor the other day and giving my details I was asked "Miss or Mrs?" Basically "Oh you want to return this? Are you married?" How is that fucking relevant? My usual response is to hiss "Ms" but sometimes they mishear that and I see them click "Mrs" anyway, or they look slightly blank. I've decided instead to anoint myself with a different, stupid title each time they ask. Help me make a list?
To be clear, I don't mean saying "Dr" or "Professor", or things I could legitimately be (I mean I'm not actually smart enough to be those things but you know what I mean.) I mean things that are obviously false enough to draw their attention, hopefully to how stupid a question it is. Like, "Oh that's not on your list? Sure just leave it out then, it doesn't really matter." At the very least I'll amuse myself instead of being irritated.
So as a cis woman I'm looking forward to the first time I answer "Reverend Father" with a straight face. mrbee suggested answering "Her Royal Highness". I may one day be a "M'Lud." That kind of thing. Can you offer any suggestions? The more idiotic the better. Thanks!
To be clear, I don't mean saying "Dr" or "Professor", or things I could legitimately be (I mean I'm not actually smart enough to be those things but you know what I mean.) I mean things that are obviously false enough to draw their attention, hopefully to how stupid a question it is. Like, "Oh that's not on your list? Sure just leave it out then, it doesn't really matter." At the very least I'll amuse myself instead of being irritated.
So as a cis woman I'm looking forward to the first time I answer "Reverend Father" with a straight face. mrbee suggested answering "Her Royal Highness". I may one day be a "M'Lud." That kind of thing. Can you offer any suggestions? The more idiotic the better. Thanks!
Mother of Dragons.
“Archduke” has a nice ring to it, and hasn’t been used legitimately in a hundred years.
“Delegate” would probably give someone pause. Not need to mention who has delegated you, or for what.
posted by catalytics at 9:03 AM on October 21, 2018 [11 favorites]
“Archduke” has a nice ring to it, and hasn’t been used legitimately in a hundred years.
“Delegate” would probably give someone pause. Not need to mention who has delegated you, or for what.
posted by catalytics at 9:03 AM on October 21, 2018 [11 favorites]
I order clothes for my kid from Boden USA. This might be the menu BlahLaLa is referring to. I chose Wing Commander for my title. You have lots of options here. You might like Rear Admiral or Brigadier.
posted by Kangaroo at 9:04 AM on October 21, 2018 [20 favorites]
posted by Kangaroo at 9:04 AM on October 21, 2018 [20 favorites]
In doing some research, I found that Master of Edinburgh is an option. Also Dowager Marchioness.
posted by moonmilk at 9:07 AM on October 21, 2018 [7 favorites]
posted by moonmilk at 9:07 AM on October 21, 2018 [7 favorites]
Wing Commander.
posted by Catseye at 9:11 AM on October 21, 2018 [3 favorites]
posted by Catseye at 9:11 AM on October 21, 2018 [3 favorites]
Bon vivant!
posted by vers at 9:12 AM on October 21, 2018 [1 favorite]
posted by vers at 9:12 AM on October 21, 2018 [1 favorite]
Lol, someone on the Boden site had fun populating that dropdown. I never realized how much that Mrs/Ms thing annoyed me until now; I also need a list apparently for my own amusement. Wikipedia has quite a few here and here. I'm personally leaning towards 'Empress Regnant'.
posted by cgg at 9:13 AM on October 21, 2018 [3 favorites]
posted by cgg at 9:13 AM on October 21, 2018 [3 favorites]
Sir Codswallop of Inverness the Third
posted by the webmistress at 9:16 AM on October 21, 2018 [4 favorites]
posted by the webmistress at 9:16 AM on October 21, 2018 [4 favorites]
Most Serene or Most Illustrious? Wikipedia has a ton but I like High Steward.
posted by fiercekitten at 9:17 AM on October 21, 2018 [2 favorites]
posted by fiercekitten at 9:17 AM on October 21, 2018 [2 favorites]
Ambassador.
posted by antiquated at 9:32 AM on October 21, 2018 [4 favorites]
posted by antiquated at 9:32 AM on October 21, 2018 [4 favorites]
The Very Very Reverend
posted by pipeski at 9:40 AM on October 21, 2018 [2 favorites]
posted by pipeski at 9:40 AM on October 21, 2018 [2 favorites]
Group Captain
posted by RandomInconsistencies at 9:46 AM on October 21, 2018 [4 favorites]
posted by RandomInconsistencies at 9:46 AM on October 21, 2018 [4 favorites]
The Royal Opera House has a famously posh set of choices, including ‘The Dowager Marchioness of’.
posted by Bloxworth Snout at 9:54 AM on October 21, 2018 [6 favorites]
posted by Bloxworth Snout at 9:54 AM on October 21, 2018 [6 favorites]
Go with a military title. Even better if it isn’t your own military. Flight Lieutenant (UK pronunciation). Surgeon Commander. Rear Admiral.
Or minor aristocracy. Baronet. Vicount. Marquess
Professions? Lord Chief Justice. Most Reverend. Right Honourable.
posted by tinkletown at 9:55 AM on October 21, 2018 [1 favorite]
Or minor aristocracy. Baronet. Vicount. Marquess
Professions? Lord Chief Justice. Most Reverend. Right Honourable.
posted by tinkletown at 9:55 AM on October 21, 2018 [1 favorite]
Maestro. Countess.
posted by Smearcase at 9:56 AM on October 21, 2018 [1 favorite]
posted by Smearcase at 9:56 AM on October 21, 2018 [1 favorite]
Jedi.
posted by 4ster at 10:29 AM on October 21, 2018 [7 favorites]
posted by 4ster at 10:29 AM on October 21, 2018 [7 favorites]
So this is a badly-paid retail employee filling out a form as prompted by their POS screen, one which they themselves did not write. I doubt they themselves give a single solitary damn what title you go by. Giving them random titles will only slow down the transaction, not just for the poor cashier and for you, but for the people waiting in line behind you.
I would get it if you were, say, nonbinary and picking a title like that felt like a fundamental denial of self. But...don't make a cashier's life harder out of mere pique.
posted by praemunire at 10:30 AM on October 21, 2018 [67 favorites]
I would get it if you were, say, nonbinary and picking a title like that felt like a fundamental denial of self. But...don't make a cashier's life harder out of mere pique.
posted by praemunire at 10:30 AM on October 21, 2018 [67 favorites]
I am really big on "Commander" myself. My daughter if she ever shows up is getting this as her name.
When you walk into the store, you can say "I have the conn".
posted by Meatbomb at 10:49 AM on October 21, 2018 [2 favorites]
When you walk into the store, you can say "I have the conn".
posted by Meatbomb at 10:49 AM on October 21, 2018 [2 favorites]
I would get it if you were, say, nonbinary and picking a title like that felt like a fundamental denial of self. But...don't make a cashier's life harder out of mere pique.
I disagree. I think women being required to declare marital status at every turn is part of the oppression of women. Maybe not the biggest part, but it should not be dismissed.
...
In a cheery related account, a friend reported recently that her daughter was introducing her mother during parent teacher interview and introduced her mom by her first name. The teacher corrected her daughter, reminding her that she was supposed to introduce her mother as "Mrs. _____" to which her daughter politely replied "Actually, it's Dr. ____, but my mom prefers her first name"
:)
posted by chapps at 10:52 AM on October 21, 2018 [131 favorites]
I disagree. I think women being required to declare marital status at every turn is part of the oppression of women. Maybe not the biggest part, but it should not be dismissed.
...
In a cheery related account, a friend reported recently that her daughter was introducing her mother during parent teacher interview and introduced her mom by her first name. The teacher corrected her daughter, reminding her that she was supposed to introduce her mother as "Mrs. _____" to which her daughter politely replied "Actually, it's Dr. ____, but my mom prefers her first name"
:)
posted by chapps at 10:52 AM on October 21, 2018 [131 favorites]
Grand Poobah
posted by smokyjoe at 10:56 AM on October 21, 2018 [5 favorites]
posted by smokyjoe at 10:56 AM on October 21, 2018 [5 favorites]
Comrade.
posted by jacquilynne at 11:01 AM on October 21, 2018 [3 favorites]
posted by jacquilynne at 11:01 AM on October 21, 2018 [3 favorites]
Citoyenne.
posted by sukeban at 11:04 AM on October 21, 2018 [4 favorites]
posted by sukeban at 11:04 AM on October 21, 2018 [4 favorites]
I disagree. I think women being required to declare marital status at every turn is part of the oppression of women. Maybe not the biggest part, but it should not be dismissed.
Don't get me wrong, I don't like it, either, and go by "Ms." if at all possible. But there is such a thing as judgment, and scaling your response to the degree of insult to your dignity (and the degree to which your reaction may actually foster some change in the situation).
posted by praemunire at 11:04 AM on October 21, 2018 [11 favorites]
Don't get me wrong, I don't like it, either, and go by "Ms." if at all possible. But there is such a thing as judgment, and scaling your response to the degree of insult to your dignity (and the degree to which your reaction may actually foster some change in the situation).
posted by praemunire at 11:04 AM on October 21, 2018 [11 favorites]
My absolute favourite is "Sea Lord". You can be First or Second Sea Lord, in fact.
posted by AFII at 11:05 AM on October 21, 2018 [3 favorites]
posted by AFII at 11:05 AM on October 21, 2018 [3 favorites]
Galactic Czarina.
posted by mochapickle at 11:05 AM on October 21, 2018 [1 favorite]
posted by mochapickle at 11:05 AM on October 21, 2018 [1 favorite]
Response by poster: I disagree. I think women being required to declare marital status at every turn is part of the oppression of women.
Yup. My partner, a cis man, said “Next time they ask me I’m going to say Princess.” I said “They don’t ask you.” I very much doubt if I ring Curry’s the company will change their drop-down menu policy but bless you for thinking I have the power. But the sales person might consider not asking the next woman they come across. Hey maybe not but taking the one second longer to say something fun and see their reaction will iron out one constant microagression in my life and maybe brighten their day too.
Thanks for everyone taking this in the spirit it was intended. I love them all and I don’t know why but Maestro is my favourite :D
posted by billiebee at 11:07 AM on October 21, 2018 [20 favorites]
Yup. My partner, a cis man, said “Next time they ask me I’m going to say Princess.” I said “They don’t ask you.” I very much doubt if I ring Curry’s the company will change their drop-down menu policy but bless you for thinking I have the power. But the sales person might consider not asking the next woman they come across. Hey maybe not but taking the one second longer to say something fun and see their reaction will iron out one constant microagression in my life and maybe brighten their day too.
Thanks for everyone taking this in the spirit it was intended. I love them all and I don’t know why but Maestro is my favourite :D
posted by billiebee at 11:07 AM on October 21, 2018 [20 favorites]
This doesn't really answer your question (I think WCityMike's list exhausts everything I could've thought of) but I wanted to say, as someone who formerly worked retail, this approach would've amused me. I'm assuming you'd say it in a lighthearted way, which honestly would put you a notch above irritated customers who blamed me for things I had no control over.
Be prepared for some people to say "sorry, the system makes me select something from the drop-down", but I'd at least have a moment of commiseration with you over a sucky system.
posted by ersatzhuman at 11:20 AM on October 21, 2018 [4 favorites]
Be prepared for some people to say "sorry, the system makes me select something from the drop-down", but I'd at least have a moment of commiseration with you over a sucky system.
posted by ersatzhuman at 11:20 AM on October 21, 2018 [4 favorites]
But the sales person might consider not asking the next woman they come across. Hey maybe not but taking the one second longer to say something fun and see their reaction will iron out one constant microagression in my life and maybe brighten their day too.
The sales person likely has zero choice. Computer says No and won't take the form without all fields, including Title, filled out. While I 100% support giving it to the man, I also 100% support not treating people paid not enough for too much more difficult.
"Dr" is IMHO the right answer. It is a legitimate answer. It isn't a performance. It does constructively invite the salesperson to rephrase the question they've no choice but to ask.
If you feel like a fraud, I hereby grant you an honorary doctorate from the University of Fuck the Patriarchy.
posted by DarlingBri at 11:24 AM on October 21, 2018 [71 favorites]
The sales person likely has zero choice. Computer says No and won't take the form without all fields, including Title, filled out. While I 100% support giving it to the man, I also 100% support not treating people paid not enough for too much more difficult.
"Dr" is IMHO the right answer. It is a legitimate answer. It isn't a performance. It does constructively invite the salesperson to rephrase the question they've no choice but to ask.
If you feel like a fraud, I hereby grant you an honorary doctorate from the University of Fuck the Patriarchy.
posted by DarlingBri at 11:24 AM on October 21, 2018 [71 favorites]
You could both subvert the intent and give the cashier a chuckle by answering "Mistress".
posted by kevinbelt at 11:39 AM on October 21, 2018 [7 favorites]
posted by kevinbelt at 11:39 AM on October 21, 2018 [7 favorites]
I haven’t seen “Dauphin” yet, so maybe add that to your arsenal.
posted by tellumo at 11:40 AM on October 21, 2018 [3 favorites]
posted by tellumo at 11:40 AM on October 21, 2018 [3 favorites]
Witchfinder General.
posted by nicwolff at 11:44 AM on October 21, 2018 [3 favorites]
posted by nicwolff at 11:44 AM on October 21, 2018 [3 favorites]
These are fun. I love the idea of saying Mother of Dragons.
But when they ask me, I just make my eyes lose focus a little and say "No, thank you, I don't do that." Same when they ask for my email, which I don't want to add to their mailing list. They just move on.
posted by nantucket at 11:44 AM on October 21, 2018 [5 favorites]
But when they ask me, I just make my eyes lose focus a little and say "No, thank you, I don't do that." Same when they ask for my email, which I don't want to add to their mailing list. They just move on.
posted by nantucket at 11:44 AM on October 21, 2018 [5 favorites]
Why not just say Mister?
posted by crunchy potato at 11:50 AM on October 21, 2018 [3 favorites]
posted by crunchy potato at 11:50 AM on October 21, 2018 [3 favorites]
Retail wage slave probably doesn't have the option of leaving it blank, and I guaranfuckingtee you if they just start automatically entering "Ms." for all their female customers instead of asking which salutation they prefer, for every customer like you who resents being asked there's going to be AT LEAST one who resents NOT being asked (as recently as a year ago I dealt with older ladies who were How-Very-Dare-You levels of mortally offended if all their paperwork didn't read "Mrs. Husbandsfirstname Husbandslastname") and they're not afraid to go to the manager and have Retail wage slave's life made a living nughtmare. You're hitting down instead of up.
posted by The Underpants Monster at 11:50 AM on October 21, 2018 [29 favorites]
posted by The Underpants Monster at 11:50 AM on October 21, 2018 [29 favorites]
Leader of the Resistance
posted by SuperSquirrel at 11:53 AM on October 21, 2018 [2 favorites]
posted by SuperSquirrel at 11:53 AM on October 21, 2018 [2 favorites]
Poet Laureate!
posted by just_ducky at 11:53 AM on October 21, 2018 [2 favorites]
posted by just_ducky at 11:53 AM on October 21, 2018 [2 favorites]
Not seen these yet: Tribunus laticlavius, Legatus legionis, Legatus Augusti proparetore, Praefect, Tribunus angusticlavius, Praefectus castrorum, Centurion, Primi ordines, Pilus prior, Optio, Signifer, Tesserarius
posted by Stoneshop at 11:58 AM on October 21, 2018 [4 favorites]
posted by Stoneshop at 11:58 AM on October 21, 2018 [4 favorites]
I choose Reverend every single time I'm required to select a salutation.
I like Reverend for a number of reasons:
-Dirt common, it's nearly always an option on every form
-Gender neutral, I'm cis enough but plenty of others aren't, and Reverend is usually the only neutral option aside from Doctor
-Requires no special training or education to attain, confers no unearned status. Reverend is just a title for a member of the clergy, nonspecific. If someone wants to get shirty, I'm the self-declared leader of the church of me.
posted by phunniemee at 12:15 PM on October 21, 2018 [12 favorites]
I like Reverend for a number of reasons:
-Dirt common, it's nearly always an option on every form
-Gender neutral, I'm cis enough but plenty of others aren't, and Reverend is usually the only neutral option aside from Doctor
-Requires no special training or education to attain, confers no unearned status. Reverend is just a title for a member of the clergy, nonspecific. If someone wants to get shirty, I'm the self-declared leader of the church of me.
posted by phunniemee at 12:15 PM on October 21, 2018 [12 favorites]
For some reason, Initiate leapt to mind. Evokes cabals. Along those lines, why not MeFite!
posted by dbx at 12:16 PM on October 21, 2018 [2 favorites]
posted by dbx at 12:16 PM on October 21, 2018 [2 favorites]
I had an argument once that ended up in very icy agree-to-disagree territory when the person on the phone sorting out some boring insurance thing insisted that she couldn't use the title Ms for me as I'd initially requested after I answered 'married' to a later question. I don't think I ever convinced her that it was legally and morally OK for a married woman to use Ms, but she did get a thorough lesson in cross-validation in webforms. The best part was when she asked 'does your husband not mind?'
To actually sort of answer your question, I just say 'is it a mandatory field? Can you leave it blank?' and that's often fine. If it's not, I say 'Ms, spelled M S, not miss or missus'. Just an option for when dealing with an organisation that might not have a sense of humour.
posted by cilantro at 12:19 PM on October 21, 2018 [6 favorites]
To actually sort of answer your question, I just say 'is it a mandatory field? Can you leave it blank?' and that's often fine. If it's not, I say 'Ms, spelled M S, not miss or missus'. Just an option for when dealing with an organisation that might not have a sense of humour.
posted by cilantro at 12:19 PM on October 21, 2018 [6 favorites]
St. Pope
posted by fso at 12:21 PM on October 21, 2018 [1 favorite]
posted by fso at 12:21 PM on October 21, 2018 [1 favorite]
The Emperor of Ice Cream.
posted by intrepid_simpleton at 12:25 PM on October 21, 2018 [1 favorite]
posted by intrepid_simpleton at 12:25 PM on October 21, 2018 [1 favorite]
"Pick one at random please."
Lady Regent
On Tuesdays I go as Mrs. Is this a Tuesday? It's Thursday? Mister will do today.
"Does your form let you skip this question?"
"The top option"
Grand Tsarina
Ard Rí
Ri Tuaithe
Goody
Gammer
Nanny
Goodwife
posted by Jane the Brown at 1:00 PM on October 21, 2018 [7 favorites]
Lady Regent
On Tuesdays I go as Mrs. Is this a Tuesday? It's Thursday? Mister will do today.
"Does your form let you skip this question?"
"The top option"
Grand Tsarina
Ard Rí
Ri Tuaithe
Goody
Gammer
Nanny
Goodwife
posted by Jane the Brown at 1:00 PM on October 21, 2018 [7 favorites]
Very Right Reverend
Worshipful
Warlord
posted by Jane the Brown at 1:03 PM on October 21, 2018 [1 favorite]
Worshipful
Warlord
posted by Jane the Brown at 1:03 PM on October 21, 2018 [1 favorite]
One of my favourite options here in Australia is "Able Seaman".
posted by jrobin276 at 1:03 PM on October 21, 2018 [8 favorites]
posted by jrobin276 at 1:03 PM on October 21, 2018 [8 favorites]
Primi Pilum
Cadet
Number three wife
Second concubine
posted by Jane the Brown at 1:07 PM on October 21, 2018 [2 favorites]
Cadet
Number three wife
Second concubine
posted by Jane the Brown at 1:07 PM on October 21, 2018 [2 favorites]
The question does not strike me as improper, since (absent a doctorate) there is only one salutation for a man but three for a woman - Miss, Mrs., or Ms. I see it as a courtesy if someone were to ask which you prefer.
posted by megatherium at 1:47 PM on October 21, 2018
posted by megatherium at 1:47 PM on October 21, 2018
Megatherium, that's kinda the point. A man is not tagged by their marital status in everyday labels, whereas as women still need to give that info all the time Because the Patriarchy. There is no reason whatsoever to ask someone's title 99% of the time it is requested.
posted by DTMFA at 1:57 PM on October 21, 2018 [25 favorites]
posted by DTMFA at 1:57 PM on October 21, 2018 [25 favorites]
The thing is, the store doesn't have to ask for this information. It's beyond the issue of Mr/Ms even -- it's not wanting to have to give this level personal info at every step of every transaction, because whichever you choose is then put into other algorithms of how to market to you. if you don't understand why that might be I won't bother here. But they don't want to lose customers and it has abolutely never been a problem in my experience for the cashier to skip it. Of course they have to ask, just like they have to ask if you want to sign up for their credit card, and then they have to tell you how much you'll save if you sign up for it when you say no. But no one has to answer something just because a cashier asks you as the front for the corporation, even if your politics are with the worker, as mine are. My kids work shitty retail jobs and I did in the past. The cashier can write whatever they want in there to make their life easier when you refuse, or they can write N/A, or skip it. In my experience the management isn't getting them in trouble for customers who don't give information. IF someone has ACTUAL experience with management getting the cashier in trouble for customers not giving this information, I'd be very interested to hear the story here, it might change my practices. So far, though, I don't think so.
posted by nantucket at 2:02 PM on October 21, 2018 [4 favorites]
posted by nantucket at 2:02 PM on October 21, 2018 [4 favorites]
I’ve taken to addressing business correspondance to people whose preferred gender and relational preferences I don’t know (and which have zero to do with our need to interact in a professional setting) as “Mx. Lastname.” Never had to do this audibly but I guess I’d pronounce it like “mix”
posted by Exceptional_Hubris at 2:17 PM on October 21, 2018 [2 favorites]
posted by Exceptional_Hubris at 2:17 PM on October 21, 2018 [2 favorites]
What happens if you say, "I don't use that. Just my name is fine."?
posted by slkinsey at 2:31 PM on October 21, 2018 [1 favorite]
posted by slkinsey at 2:31 PM on October 21, 2018 [1 favorite]
Kwisatz Haderach
posted by protorp at 2:36 PM on October 21, 2018 [8 favorites]
posted by protorp at 2:36 PM on October 21, 2018 [8 favorites]
I almost never get asked this question, but if it really does happen to you all the time, why not just ask the underpaid cashier if they have the option to leave it blank? That seems easier than treating them to some woefully unfunny fake honorific, and maybe it would give you some insight into why they are compelled to ask? None of them actually care about your marital status
posted by cakelite at 2:54 PM on October 21, 2018 [3 favorites]
posted by cakelite at 2:54 PM on October 21, 2018 [3 favorites]
Misery.
posted by Gino on the Meta at 3:06 PM on October 21, 2018
posted by Gino on the Meta at 3:06 PM on October 21, 2018
As someone who has worked retail jobs before, and hated customers giving me crap over issues of store policy over which I had no control, this is absolutely 1000% worth making a stink about and you are doing the right thing.
posted by waffleriot at 3:08 PM on October 21, 2018 [9 favorites]
posted by waffleriot at 3:08 PM on October 21, 2018 [9 favorites]
Witchsmeller Pursuivant
posted by peakes at 3:34 PM on October 21, 2018 [3 favorites]
posted by peakes at 3:34 PM on October 21, 2018 [3 favorites]
A couple missing from WCityMike's list:
Rabbi billiebee, Rt Hon Lord Mayor billiebee, Lady Mayoress billiebee
and of course we havent touched on foreign titles yet, if you were Italian there is Principessa, Duchessa, Marchesa, Contessa, Viscontessa, Baronessa, Nobile, or Nobildonna, Dama Patrizia of (certain Italian cities)
posted by Lanark at 3:36 PM on October 21, 2018 [1 favorite]
Rabbi billiebee, Rt Hon Lord Mayor billiebee, Lady Mayoress billiebee
and of course we havent touched on foreign titles yet, if you were Italian there is Principessa, Duchessa, Marchesa, Contessa, Viscontessa, Baronessa, Nobile, or Nobildonna, Dama Patrizia of (certain Italian cities)
posted by Lanark at 3:36 PM on October 21, 2018 [1 favorite]
In my minimum wage days, I (usually) liked people who tried to mix it up and be amusing.
posted by salvia at 3:39 PM on October 21, 2018 [4 favorites]
posted by salvia at 3:39 PM on October 21, 2018 [4 favorites]
I am currently watching Buffy the Vampire Slayer for this first time, and there is one particular character who is referred to by some very amusing honorifics. For your consideration:
Most beauteous and supremely magnificent one, Most tingly and wonderful Glorificus, Shiny special one, Your elaborate marvellous one, Your terrifically smooth one, Your creamy coolness, Your extremeness, Mistress, Perturbed yet ultimately merciful one, Most silky and effervescent Glorificus, Your most fresh and cleanness, Great one, Your eminence, The magnificent glory, The beautious glory, Magnificently scented Glorificus, Your inconceivableness, Most glamorous yet tasteful one, Your highness, Sacred Glorificus, Oh... Thou, Stunning one, Your unholiness, Glittering glistening Glorificus, Your scrumptiousness, The God, The Glorious One, Your grace, Her magnificent incandescence, Her magnificence, Oh brutastic one, Oh sweat naughty feeling causing one.
From this link where someone exhaustively compiled them (warning: link goes to reddit): All the names for Glory
posted by litera scripta manet at 3:41 PM on October 21, 2018 [5 favorites]
Most beauteous and supremely magnificent one, Most tingly and wonderful Glorificus, Shiny special one, Your elaborate marvellous one, Your terrifically smooth one, Your creamy coolness, Your extremeness, Mistress, Perturbed yet ultimately merciful one, Most silky and effervescent Glorificus, Your most fresh and cleanness, Great one, Your eminence, The magnificent glory, The beautious glory, Magnificently scented Glorificus, Your inconceivableness, Most glamorous yet tasteful one, Your highness, Sacred Glorificus, Oh... Thou, Stunning one, Your unholiness, Glittering glistening Glorificus, Your scrumptiousness, The God, The Glorious One, Your grace, Her magnificent incandescence, Her magnificence, Oh brutastic one, Oh sweat naughty feeling causing one.
From this link where someone exhaustively compiled them (warning: link goes to reddit): All the names for Glory
posted by litera scripta manet at 3:41 PM on October 21, 2018 [5 favorites]
Oh, I also really like "Mother of Dragons" and inspired by that, would like to add "Khaleesi" as another suggestion.
Or you could go all out with:
Daenerys billiebee Stormborn of the House Targaryen, First of Her Name, the Unburnt, Queen of the Andals and the First Men, Khaleesi of the Great Grass Sea, Breaker of Chains, and Mother of Dragons
Maybe followed up with, "Or you can just leave that field blank."
posted by litera scripta manet at 3:44 PM on October 21, 2018 [3 favorites]
Or you could go all out with:
Maybe followed up with, "Or you can just leave that field blank."
posted by litera scripta manet at 3:44 PM on October 21, 2018 [3 favorites]
↓
posted by The Almighty Mommy Goddess at 4:18 PM on October 21, 2018 [5 favorites]
posted by The Almighty Mommy Goddess at 4:18 PM on October 21, 2018 [5 favorites]
Grand Moff
Consul
Quartermaster
Prefect
Potions Master
Adjutant
Keeper of Keys
Inquisitor
posted by some little punk in a rocket at 6:06 PM on October 21, 2018 [2 favorites]
Consul
Quartermaster
Prefect
Potions Master
Adjutant
Keeper of Keys
Inquisitor
posted by some little punk in a rocket at 6:06 PM on October 21, 2018 [2 favorites]
I have privileges in the library catalog at my local library. They have a fill-in-your-own option (that is admin only). I have opted for "Wizard"
posted by jessamyn at 6:17 PM on October 21, 2018 [8 favorites]
posted by jessamyn at 6:17 PM on October 21, 2018 [8 favorites]
Mistress of the Dark
Ravenmaster
posted by Johnny Wallflower at 7:14 PM on October 21, 2018 [2 favorites]
Ravenmaster
posted by Johnny Wallflower at 7:14 PM on October 21, 2018 [2 favorites]
Ensign
posted by fingersandtoes at 7:26 PM on October 21, 2018 [1 favorite]
posted by fingersandtoes at 7:26 PM on October 21, 2018 [1 favorite]
Engineer
posted by Johnny Wallflower at 7:28 PM on October 21, 2018 [1 favorite]
posted by Johnny Wallflower at 7:28 PM on October 21, 2018 [1 favorite]
Thank goodness I live in Quebec, where every woman over about 16 is "Madame" and it has nothing to do with our marital status.
posted by zadcat at 7:28 PM on October 21, 2018 [2 favorites]
posted by zadcat at 7:28 PM on October 21, 2018 [2 favorites]
In my minimum wage days, I (usually) liked people who tried to mix it up and be amusing.
Me too!
As a customer I usually try to do this to cashiers now. The cashiers in some of the nearby places I shop greet me by name. Ok, just the liquor store folks know my name, but most all of them chat with me about the weekend or the weather or listen to my dumb jokes.
posted by bendy at 7:29 PM on October 21, 2018 [1 favorite]
Me too!
As a customer I usually try to do this to cashiers now. The cashiers in some of the nearby places I shop greet me by name. Ok, just the liquor store folks know my name, but most all of them chat with me about the weekend or the weather or listen to my dumb jokes.
posted by bendy at 7:29 PM on October 21, 2018 [1 favorite]
The Singapore Airlines KrisFlyer Registration Form has an impressive list of titles if you click on the "other" option to expand.
posted by zombiedance at 7:59 PM on October 21, 2018 [2 favorites]
posted by zombiedance at 7:59 PM on October 21, 2018 [2 favorites]
My local public radio station had a free text field for title, so I regularly get mail addressed to the "Supreme Intergalactic General".
posted by mmascolino at 8:22 PM on October 21, 2018 [11 favorites]
posted by mmascolino at 8:22 PM on October 21, 2018 [11 favorites]
Imperator
posted by Archipelago at 11:57 PM on October 21, 2018 [1 favorite]
posted by Archipelago at 11:57 PM on October 21, 2018 [1 favorite]
Great Panjandrum. Nabob. Pope. Executor. Minister.
posted by Hactar at 12:58 AM on October 22, 2018 [1 favorite]
posted by Hactar at 12:58 AM on October 22, 2018 [1 favorite]
The Pretender to the Crown of Alsace-Lorraine.
posted by AppleTurnover at 1:19 AM on October 22, 2018 [3 favorites]
posted by AppleTurnover at 1:19 AM on October 22, 2018 [3 favorites]
Hopefully they won't stand on rank, so in addition to the Opera House's options and Able Seaman, why not consider Petty Officer, Sergeant, Corporal, Lance-Corporal, Leading Seaman, Petty Officer, Warrant Officer, Acting Sub-Lieutenant, Sub-Lieutenant, Lieutenant, Midshipman, and Rear or Vice-Admiral.
Or Fellow Worker.
posted by AnhydrousLove at 5:04 AM on October 22, 2018 [1 favorite]
Or Fellow Worker.
posted by AnhydrousLove at 5:04 AM on October 22, 2018 [1 favorite]
I, a married woman, use Miss [Maiden name]. It is delightfully confounding to the narrow minded, and quite proper under old-school etiquette.
posted by Dogged Persistence at 5:53 AM on October 22, 2018 [1 favorite]
posted by Dogged Persistence at 5:53 AM on October 22, 2018 [1 favorite]
This thread made me remember maybe my favorite line from the show Agent Carter with Hayley Atwell (although I've only seen some of S1), where she's assumed to be a secretary by Ray Wise's character and he asks her:
"What's your name, darlin'?"
"Agent."
So, maybe "Agent" or "Secret Agent"?
Ruler of the Seven Seas
Lord of the Dance
Marschallin (I'm surprised the Royal Opera House didn't include it in their list. One to add!)
Governor
To be clear, I don't mean saying "Dr" or "Professor"
You could extend the Dr or Professor title and make up something depending on how you feel. For instance:
Doctor of Necromancy
Professor of Equine Arts
Professor of Muggle Magics
Professor of Smash the Patriarchy (sorry I guess this one just might be too on the nose)
posted by rangefinder 1.4 at 6:33 AM on October 22, 2018 [1 favorite]
"What's your name, darlin'?"
"Agent."
So, maybe "Agent" or "Secret Agent"?
Ruler of the Seven Seas
Lord of the Dance
Marschallin (I'm surprised the Royal Opera House didn't include it in their list. One to add!)
Governor
To be clear, I don't mean saying "Dr" or "Professor"
You could extend the Dr or Professor title and make up something depending on how you feel. For instance:
Doctor of Necromancy
Professor of Equine Arts
Professor of Muggle Magics
Professor of Smash the Patriarchy (sorry I guess this one just might be too on the nose)
posted by rangefinder 1.4 at 6:33 AM on October 22, 2018 [1 favorite]
Princeps
Adept
Emissary
Autarch
Tyrant
Glossary of Titles
posted by the man of twists and turns at 9:33 AM on October 22, 2018 [2 favorites]
Adept
Emissary
Autarch
Tyrant
Glossary of Titles
posted by the man of twists and turns at 9:33 AM on October 22, 2018 [2 favorites]
Canadian mayors are styled as "His/Her Worship" which I've always found incredibly silly.
posted by Kurichina at 9:39 AM on October 22, 2018 [1 favorite]
posted by Kurichina at 9:39 AM on October 22, 2018 [1 favorite]
I was asked "Miss or Mrs?"
"Undecided".
"Yes" -- applicable for any "X or Not X" question.
"Yesnodunno"
posted by Stoneshop at 11:52 AM on October 22, 2018 [1 favorite]
"Undecided".
"Yes" -- applicable for any "X or Not X" question.
"Yesnodunno"
posted by Stoneshop at 11:52 AM on October 22, 2018 [1 favorite]
A few years ago, I looked into ordination in the Universal Life Church (and other similar options) and would pick "Druid" as my title. Pretty sure I was one in a former life anyway.
posted by Ms Vegetable at 12:37 PM on October 22, 2018 [2 favorites]
posted by Ms Vegetable at 12:37 PM on October 22, 2018 [2 favorites]
President of Space
posted by Flipping_Hades_Terwilliger at 12:41 PM on October 22, 2018 [2 favorites]
posted by Flipping_Hades_Terwilliger at 12:41 PM on October 22, 2018 [2 favorites]
Supreme Leader
Rebel Commander
Lord of the Flies (it’s two kinds of titles!)
posted by catatethebird at 12:49 PM on October 22, 2018 [1 favorite]
Rebel Commander
Lord of the Flies (it’s two kinds of titles!)
posted by catatethebird at 12:49 PM on October 22, 2018 [1 favorite]
Sister.
posted by The corpse in the library at 3:56 PM on October 22, 2018 [1 favorite]
posted by The corpse in the library at 3:56 PM on October 22, 2018 [1 favorite]
> I, a married woman, use Miss [Maiden name]. It is delightfully confounding to the narrow minded
How is it confounding? Don't you just show up as "Miss Smith" (or whatever)?
posted by The corpse in the library at 3:58 PM on October 22, 2018
How is it confounding? Don't you just show up as "Miss Smith" (or whatever)?
posted by The corpse in the library at 3:58 PM on October 22, 2018
My sister uses Captain. It’s on her checks, it’s the name of her dog. She is no way entitled to use the title but she does anyway. She is not in a field that this would create confusion and she doesn’t claim military service. She just likes it.
posted by monkeyscouch at 5:10 PM on October 24, 2018 [1 favorite]
posted by monkeyscouch at 5:10 PM on October 24, 2018 [1 favorite]
Glossary of Titles
the man of twists and turns probably meant to offer the titles listed at that link as suggestions, but this caught my eye as I was scrolling through Recent Activity and it occurred to me that "Glossary of Titles" could itself be a good title.
posted by DevilsAdvocate at 9:38 AM on October 25, 2018 [2 favorites]
the man of twists and turns probably meant to offer the titles listed at that link as suggestions, but this caught my eye as I was scrolling through Recent Activity and it occurred to me that "Glossary of Titles" could itself be a good title.
posted by DevilsAdvocate at 9:38 AM on October 25, 2018 [2 favorites]
1, I did put Druid as my title on a recent survey. Thanks for the nudge!
2, if you're a Potterhead, you could use your house. So I'd be "RavenPuff Vegetable" or something like that.
posted by Ms Vegetable at 9:23 AM on October 29, 2018 [1 favorite]
2, if you're a Potterhead, you could use your house. So I'd be "RavenPuff Vegetable" or something like that.
posted by Ms Vegetable at 9:23 AM on October 29, 2018 [1 favorite]
Look in the mirror. Whisper "I am the true Queen of England." You may now, accurately, style yourself Pretender to the Throne.
posted by justsomebodythatyouusedtoknow at 5:47 PM on November 5, 2018 [4 favorites]
posted by justsomebodythatyouusedtoknow at 5:47 PM on November 5, 2018 [4 favorites]
Lord Privy Seal, mostly because the jokes practically write themselves.
posted by J.K. Seazer at 6:24 PM on November 5, 2018 [1 favorite]
posted by J.K. Seazer at 6:24 PM on November 5, 2018 [1 favorite]
This thread is closed to new comments.
posted by BlahLaLa at 8:58 AM on October 21, 2018 [19 favorites]