Is it finally time to move on from my long-time passion?
October 2, 2014 11:45 AM Subscribe
I recently started taking competitive Irish dance classes again after having been away from it for 4-5 years, but it's not the same as it was when I was a teen and I'm feeling like I should quit...again. Sorry, lots of details inside.
I was a competitive Irish dancer as a teenager. It was my favorite thing in the world - I loved dancing in class, I loved competing, my dance school felt like a little family (despite some roughness toward the end of high school). When I moved to another state for college, I tried to take it up again with another dance school but money problems and lack of practice space ultimately led to my giving it up sophomore year.
This past February (4 years since I quit) I decided to take it up again with the same school I went to freshman year, since I realized I was really missing it and I had some bitterness about never having reached the competitive level I wanted to attain. The school is really friendly and welcoming and there are several other dancers in their early 20s as well. However, it's not like it was back in my heyday and I'm starting to feel like I need to let this dream go, for a few reasons.
Mainly, in order to actually be competitive, I would have to sink a lot of dedicated time and money into it. The money previously hadn't been an issue since my parents paid for it, but now I'm realizing competitions are pricey, on top of the class tuition. And the biggest factor, honestly, is my unwillingness to dedicate a lot of time to it outside of class. To be successful at it, I would need to be practicing outside of class every day, working on my stamina, drilling steps, stretching, etc. This is particularly hard now as I've gained a lot of weight in 4 years, have a limited practice space in my apt., and am pretty out-of-shape. I enjoy dancing in class, performing, and competing, but practicing at home is the bane of my existence.
There's also the age factor - while there are a few dancers close to my age at the school, they never gave up dance so they are at a much higher level; they've also known each other for years so while they are friendly to me, we haven't really 'clicked'. I end up having to work in class with dancers who are 10-12 years old. I've done one competition since re-starting, and the age group I'm in is 15 years & older. It's definitely a young person's sport, and while I'm getting over my embarrassment about it it sort of keeps niggling at me that I need to give it up.
I've thought about just doing it recreationally and giving up on competitions (although competing was my favorite part of dance). However, my dance school, while competitions are not required, is geared toward competition and the tuition is pricey for 'just a hobby'. I don't think I could get away with not practicing at home and then just showing up to class and diddling around.
Anyway, long story short (not really) - I feel like Irish dance doesn't fit into my "adult" life anymore. I kind of want an activity that I can just do at a class and then come home and not have to worry about it, and Irish dance is not that thing. But I just can't get over the fact that Irish dance has always been my favorite thing in the world, and no other hobby I've done has come close to the love I've had for ID. I feel like if I give it up now for a second time, that's going to be it, because I'm already pushing the age boundaries. I'm just so torn, but I need to decide soon before I pour any more money that I don't have into it. Can anyone help shed some third-party light?
I was a competitive Irish dancer as a teenager. It was my favorite thing in the world - I loved dancing in class, I loved competing, my dance school felt like a little family (despite some roughness toward the end of high school). When I moved to another state for college, I tried to take it up again with another dance school but money problems and lack of practice space ultimately led to my giving it up sophomore year.
This past February (4 years since I quit) I decided to take it up again with the same school I went to freshman year, since I realized I was really missing it and I had some bitterness about never having reached the competitive level I wanted to attain. The school is really friendly and welcoming and there are several other dancers in their early 20s as well. However, it's not like it was back in my heyday and I'm starting to feel like I need to let this dream go, for a few reasons.
Mainly, in order to actually be competitive, I would have to sink a lot of dedicated time and money into it. The money previously hadn't been an issue since my parents paid for it, but now I'm realizing competitions are pricey, on top of the class tuition. And the biggest factor, honestly, is my unwillingness to dedicate a lot of time to it outside of class. To be successful at it, I would need to be practicing outside of class every day, working on my stamina, drilling steps, stretching, etc. This is particularly hard now as I've gained a lot of weight in 4 years, have a limited practice space in my apt., and am pretty out-of-shape. I enjoy dancing in class, performing, and competing, but practicing at home is the bane of my existence.
There's also the age factor - while there are a few dancers close to my age at the school, they never gave up dance so they are at a much higher level; they've also known each other for years so while they are friendly to me, we haven't really 'clicked'. I end up having to work in class with dancers who are 10-12 years old. I've done one competition since re-starting, and the age group I'm in is 15 years & older. It's definitely a young person's sport, and while I'm getting over my embarrassment about it it sort of keeps niggling at me that I need to give it up.
I've thought about just doing it recreationally and giving up on competitions (although competing was my favorite part of dance). However, my dance school, while competitions are not required, is geared toward competition and the tuition is pricey for 'just a hobby'. I don't think I could get away with not practicing at home and then just showing up to class and diddling around.
Anyway, long story short (not really) - I feel like Irish dance doesn't fit into my "adult" life anymore. I kind of want an activity that I can just do at a class and then come home and not have to worry about it, and Irish dance is not that thing. But I just can't get over the fact that Irish dance has always been my favorite thing in the world, and no other hobby I've done has come close to the love I've had for ID. I feel like if I give it up now for a second time, that's going to be it, because I'm already pushing the age boundaries. I'm just so torn, but I need to decide soon before I pour any more money that I don't have into it. Can anyone help shed some third-party light?
Hmm. Are there any clubs for set dancing in your town, as opposed to schools? Or have you considered starting a school of your own?
posted by EmpressCallipygos at 11:54 AM on October 2, 2014
posted by EmpressCallipygos at 11:54 AM on October 2, 2014
Time to move on. If you were really passionate about Irish dancing you wouldn't be here asking this. You don't have the time, you don't want to spend the money, and you're behind the curve relative to your cohort.
posted by Rob Rockets at 11:58 AM on October 2, 2014 [4 favorites]
posted by Rob Rockets at 11:58 AM on October 2, 2014 [4 favorites]
It really seems like a recreational class or club would fit the bill here. Is there a chance you could talk to others at the school and see if they'd be interested in setting something up?
You are not the first adult non-competitive Irish dancer in town, and I'd imagine other people would love to do something recreationally without devoting their lives to it too. Maybe it just hasn't been organized yet!
posted by barnone at 11:59 AM on October 2, 2014
You are not the first adult non-competitive Irish dancer in town, and I'd imagine other people would love to do something recreationally without devoting their lives to it too. Maybe it just hasn't been organized yet!
posted by barnone at 11:59 AM on October 2, 2014
Response by poster: Just popping in to add that unfortunately there are no club or recreational groups in my area other than a ceili dancing group (I'm not particularly interested in ceili dancing at this juncture), and I'm not in a position to start anything myself. (Sorry if that makes me sound difficult).
posted by majesty_snowbird at 12:04 PM on October 2, 2014
posted by majesty_snowbird at 12:04 PM on October 2, 2014
But maybe the demand is there, and the school would be interested in starting a 'recreational track' of some sort. It just seems like you can't be the only one in that position, and that a conversation with some folks at the school might reveal others who want a less-intensive option too.
Anyway, if it's all or nothing, and you're not feeling the all, then by default it's...not doing it.
posted by barnone at 12:08 PM on October 2, 2014 [1 favorite]
Anyway, if it's all or nothing, and you're not feeling the all, then by default it's...not doing it.
posted by barnone at 12:08 PM on October 2, 2014 [1 favorite]
Best answer: This sounds like what happened to my best friend - except that for her it was swing dancing and not Irish dancing. She was very big into the scene when she was 17-20 but as she had to move onto "growing up" and she left it for a while.
She tried to get back into it when she was around 26 or 27 but like you she was rusty on her skills, lacked the time she used to have and she found it hard to connect to the new people on the scene.
She has since decided to just remember that time in her life fondly and sort of realizing "you can't go home again" which is what she was essentially trying to do. I think she realized she missed that time in her life more than she missed the dancing per se and there was really no way to get that back. On the bright side there have been times just as good or better in her life since (she is now married with a job she loves) and the same will be for you.
posted by WinterSolstice at 12:12 PM on October 2, 2014 [5 favorites]
She tried to get back into it when she was around 26 or 27 but like you she was rusty on her skills, lacked the time she used to have and she found it hard to connect to the new people on the scene.
She has since decided to just remember that time in her life fondly and sort of realizing "you can't go home again" which is what she was essentially trying to do. I think she realized she missed that time in her life more than she missed the dancing per se and there was really no way to get that back. On the bright side there have been times just as good or better in her life since (she is now married with a job she loves) and the same will be for you.
posted by WinterSolstice at 12:12 PM on October 2, 2014 [5 favorites]
Best answer: I think you need to readjust your expectations that you're going to be competitive off the bat and give it some more time before you make a decision. You are finding it more difficult than you expected and you're feeling discouraged because of that. Time will help you kick the rust off, and help you make friends and get to know people.
I started playing a competitive sport again after several years off and was frustrated at my lack of competence. But the competence came back over time, and I now enjoy the sport very much.
I'd suggest giving it an earnest effort for at least 6 months. If you aren't feeling it after that, go ahead and quit.
posted by zug at 12:20 PM on October 2, 2014 [1 favorite]
I started playing a competitive sport again after several years off and was frustrated at my lack of competence. But the competence came back over time, and I now enjoy the sport very much.
I'd suggest giving it an earnest effort for at least 6 months. If you aren't feeling it after that, go ahead and quit.
posted by zug at 12:20 PM on October 2, 2014 [1 favorite]
I think you need to find another dance or other sport that's suitable for where you actually are now, not where you dreamed you'd be now when you were 17.
posted by DarlingBri at 12:25 PM on October 2, 2014 [1 favorite]
posted by DarlingBri at 12:25 PM on October 2, 2014 [1 favorite]
I think you probably need to move on to something else.
But just to reassure you, this happens to so many people with serious hobbies! If I stop to think about it, it drives me CRAZY that I am not as good a pianist as I was when I was in high school (not nearly as good, and high school was 20 years ago now). That said, I'm an adult, and I know *exactly* what it would take to get back to that level: paying for weekly lessons with a serious teacher, practicing at least an hour daily and more on weekends, upgrading my digital piano to a good-quality acoustic piano, etc. etc. And I know I don't want to spend that money or that time. And that makes me kind of sad, but it's just a truth of my adult life.
(Not to say that I've let the music die or anything - I now sing with a serious amateur chorus, which I love for both the community and musical aspects. That still costs time and money but for me the return is better than the return on piano.)
posted by mskyle at 12:34 PM on October 2, 2014 [3 favorites]
But just to reassure you, this happens to so many people with serious hobbies! If I stop to think about it, it drives me CRAZY that I am not as good a pianist as I was when I was in high school (not nearly as good, and high school was 20 years ago now). That said, I'm an adult, and I know *exactly* what it would take to get back to that level: paying for weekly lessons with a serious teacher, practicing at least an hour daily and more on weekends, upgrading my digital piano to a good-quality acoustic piano, etc. etc. And I know I don't want to spend that money or that time. And that makes me kind of sad, but it's just a truth of my adult life.
(Not to say that I've let the music die or anything - I now sing with a serious amateur chorus, which I love for both the community and musical aspects. That still costs time and money but for me the return is better than the return on piano.)
posted by mskyle at 12:34 PM on October 2, 2014 [3 favorites]
If there are truly no other types of dancing groups in your area, I would say let it go. I think this type of thing has got to be really FUN to feel like a hobby and not a chore. It's not your job that you need to do to make rent every month, so it had better be making your life more awesome instead of draining you of money and energy and fun times! But, maybe see if there are any other social dance groups around? I know every area is different, but maybe something like contra dancing or another type of ethnic dancing is available?
posted by rainbowbrite at 12:37 PM on October 2, 2014
posted by rainbowbrite at 12:37 PM on October 2, 2014
Have you tried any other forms of dancing? My old ballet studio had a number of adult jazz/ballet/tap classes, who very rarely competed, but who performed with the bi-annual recitals.
You already sound a little resentful though, and I don't think that will improve just because you could keep paying for classes. If you really wanted to sink in the extra time and money, I feel like that's what your question would be about. And you shouldn't have to tie yourself to something just because you used to love it! Dancing should be fun and exciting and something to look forward to. If all you're doing is looking back at the dancer-you-once-were, stop. Think about why you've liked it so much and why other activities haven't lived up to that, and maybe you'll be able to find something new.
I haven't danced in close to eight years now, even though I used to take ballet lessons twice a week, danced en pointe, and all that-- instead, I took up running, joined the rugby team in college and did a semester of Indian dance. I still love ballet, but I found other things to love.
posted by jetlagaddict at 12:38 PM on October 2, 2014
You already sound a little resentful though, and I don't think that will improve just because you could keep paying for classes. If you really wanted to sink in the extra time and money, I feel like that's what your question would be about. And you shouldn't have to tie yourself to something just because you used to love it! Dancing should be fun and exciting and something to look forward to. If all you're doing is looking back at the dancer-you-once-were, stop. Think about why you've liked it so much and why other activities haven't lived up to that, and maybe you'll be able to find something new.
I haven't danced in close to eight years now, even though I used to take ballet lessons twice a week, danced en pointe, and all that-- instead, I took up running, joined the rugby team in college and did a semester of Indian dance. I still love ballet, but I found other things to love.
posted by jetlagaddict at 12:38 PM on October 2, 2014
Seconding asking about a casual group. I got an adult gymnastics program started at a local gym by calling and asking about it, and being the tipping point for them having enough interest to start a casual adult group.
posted by bfranklin at 12:44 PM on October 2, 2014 [2 favorites]
posted by bfranklin at 12:44 PM on October 2, 2014 [2 favorites]
Best answer: Take up some other performance dancing, like tap or modern. Go to a goofy kids school and do a recital once or twice a year. Or better, perhaps you can teach, like at a senior center, or at another dance school.
That's if you love the dance.
When we're in our late teens our brains are wired to glom onto things that we enjoy and that can define us. I'm majesty_snowbird and I'm an Irish Dancer. As we get older, we find that there are lots of things we do, and we don't need one big thing to define us. I'm majesty_snowbird and I have a job, and an apartment, and laundry and a dog and a partner...suddenly having one big thing doesn't seem to do it for you.
If it makes you feel any better a lot of recent graduates feel this way. When you're in school you're supposed to have passions for things, you certainly have time for them. But once you're really, truly out there in the world, it's not feasible unless you're at an Olympic Level, and even then, those people don't have lives AND they're pretty much stunted at that 17 year old age by it anyway.
Now you know, you don't want it as badly as you used to. That's okay. Let it go.
posted by Ruthless Bunny at 1:14 PM on October 2, 2014 [2 favorites]
That's if you love the dance.
When we're in our late teens our brains are wired to glom onto things that we enjoy and that can define us. I'm majesty_snowbird and I'm an Irish Dancer. As we get older, we find that there are lots of things we do, and we don't need one big thing to define us. I'm majesty_snowbird and I have a job, and an apartment, and laundry and a dog and a partner...suddenly having one big thing doesn't seem to do it for you.
If it makes you feel any better a lot of recent graduates feel this way. When you're in school you're supposed to have passions for things, you certainly have time for them. But once you're really, truly out there in the world, it's not feasible unless you're at an Olympic Level, and even then, those people don't have lives AND they're pretty much stunted at that 17 year old age by it anyway.
Now you know, you don't want it as badly as you used to. That's okay. Let it go.
posted by Ruthless Bunny at 1:14 PM on October 2, 2014 [2 favorites]
I'm very unfamiliar with the competitive Irish Dance world...but I'm forever taking dancing classes of all sorts, never competing though...what about continuing to take classes to get back in Irish Dance-shape and then going on to teach a beginner's class? Even one geared to a more "casual" dancer. That might be a better fit for your adult life...
Otherwise, you can totally just quit and find something else that makes you happy! There are other things out there...though I can totally relate...I remember being SO into swing dancing when I was in high school...only to quite when I went to college. I've dabbled in other things since, but nothing can quite match the enthusiasm of an obsessed teenager...I haven't found anything that I loved as much as I loved that at the time!
posted by Shadow Boxer at 1:25 PM on October 2, 2014
Otherwise, you can totally just quit and find something else that makes you happy! There are other things out there...though I can totally relate...I remember being SO into swing dancing when I was in high school...only to quite when I went to college. I've dabbled in other things since, but nothing can quite match the enthusiasm of an obsessed teenager...I haven't found anything that I loved as much as I loved that at the time!
posted by Shadow Boxer at 1:25 PM on October 2, 2014
If getting back into competitive ID is something you really want, I think if you give yourself some time you can get back up to where you want to be. You aren't that old, weight can be lost, etc. But the thing is, you would have to work hard, harder than everyone else, for a while. The level of competition right now, especially for that age group, blows me away. (My daughter dances as U16 and moved up to Open Champ this spring. She works her tail off in class four times a week, strength training outside class, private lessons and she hasn't cracked the top half in competitions yet) But if you aren't willing to put in the work, I agree that it would probably be a waste of time and money.
Have you thought about doing the grade exams and becoming a TC? You can stick with the dance form you love, but not kill yourself from frustration. Also, can't you register as an Over 18 or as an Adult at a feis?
posted by chaoticgood at 1:33 PM on October 2, 2014
Have you thought about doing the grade exams and becoming a TC? You can stick with the dance form you love, but not kill yourself from frustration. Also, can't you register as an Over 18 or as an Adult at a feis?
posted by chaoticgood at 1:33 PM on October 2, 2014
Best answer: You can dance (if you wanna), you can compete, you can find a family... but you don't have to be a competitive dancer with a family you've found in class. I'd take a good look at exactly what it was you enjoyed about it all, and see if you can scratch those itches doing other things. Whether you continue competitively or not it sounds like this is something you can't do forever, so it'd be good to start looking for other ways to satisfy those needs.
As you get older, a lot of doors close on you. It can hurt like hell, and be really frustrating. The thing you need is right on the other side of that locked door, and those smug young bastards won't let you in!
You just gotta remind yourself that there are going to be other doors, somewhere down the hall...
posted by Ursula Hitler at 6:20 PM on October 2, 2014
As you get older, a lot of doors close on you. It can hurt like hell, and be really frustrating. The thing you need is right on the other side of that locked door, and those smug young bastards won't let you in!
You just gotta remind yourself that there are going to be other doors, somewhere down the hall...
posted by Ursula Hitler at 6:20 PM on October 2, 2014
I practiced taekwondo through my 30s and loved it to pieces. But after a couple of broken toes and a hairline fracture on my hand I realized that I had to give it up. It's not so much an old fellas sport.
It broke my heart to do so, but it was also a rite of passage in a way. i'm getting older. i have to stop.
Nowadays I play recreational soccer and I stand up paddleboard, both of which I love to pieces, and both of which I will do until I can't anymore.
This gets easier with experience. Part of getting older is leaving things behind. In a way it's good practice for actually dying. So much about life is dealing with loss. It doesn't have to be painful, and over time it gets easier to let go and find new things to hold the heart's attention and the mind's appetite and the body's impulses.
posted by salishsea at 1:05 AM on October 3, 2014
It broke my heart to do so, but it was also a rite of passage in a way. i'm getting older. i have to stop.
Nowadays I play recreational soccer and I stand up paddleboard, both of which I love to pieces, and both of which I will do until I can't anymore.
This gets easier with experience. Part of getting older is leaving things behind. In a way it's good practice for actually dying. So much about life is dealing with loss. It doesn't have to be painful, and over time it gets easier to let go and find new things to hold the heart's attention and the mind's appetite and the body's impulses.
posted by salishsea at 1:05 AM on October 3, 2014
As an Irish musician, I will say that I really love the dancers who come out to the pubs when there's a session, and dance a few reels for fun. It can be a bit off-putting when there's an obvious "school outing" and the focus becomes the perfection and the choreography and 'OMG you're playing too fast, I mean too slow, or can we just play the CD we practice this to?'
Nthing the idea that you just have to enjoy the memories of what dance classes meant to you in high school, and accept that dance classes will mean something else now. Competition can be fun, and a bonding and growth experience; but the mindset that competitions are only fun if you can win them can take you to some very bad places. If high school dance was about winning competitions, you have to accept that this era has ended - but if competitions were about performing, I bet you can find a lot of places to perform if you work on the broader Irish music/dance community instead of strictly the feis circuit. Basically any pub/bar that has live Irish music, wait for a pause and politely ask if they'd mind if you danced to one of their reels; they'll likely be thrilled, and the crowd will be even more thrilled. I knew some dancers who started out by frequenting the same bar as a band, then choreographed something for a couple of the tune sets, and later would perform with them when the band had stage/festival shows.
Alternately, have you considered sean nos? Age is much less an issue in that style.
posted by aimedwander at 7:15 AM on October 3, 2014
Nthing the idea that you just have to enjoy the memories of what dance classes meant to you in high school, and accept that dance classes will mean something else now. Competition can be fun, and a bonding and growth experience; but the mindset that competitions are only fun if you can win them can take you to some very bad places. If high school dance was about winning competitions, you have to accept that this era has ended - but if competitions were about performing, I bet you can find a lot of places to perform if you work on the broader Irish music/dance community instead of strictly the feis circuit. Basically any pub/bar that has live Irish music, wait for a pause and politely ask if they'd mind if you danced to one of their reels; they'll likely be thrilled, and the crowd will be even more thrilled. I knew some dancers who started out by frequenting the same bar as a band, then choreographed something for a couple of the tune sets, and later would perform with them when the band had stage/festival shows.
Alternately, have you considered sean nos? Age is much less an issue in that style.
posted by aimedwander at 7:15 AM on October 3, 2014
I need to decide soon before I pour any more money that I don't have into it
Aside from anything else in your question, as an adult it's a very bad idea to ruin yourself financially for a hobby.
Choose a hobby you can afford.
Also, if you don't like to practice you'll never do well competing. If you have some dream of getting to a certain level competitively, but you aren't willing to practice either at home or with a lot of studio time somewhere else, you still won't be able to attain that level you feel bitter about not reaching.
posted by yohko at 2:19 PM on October 3, 2014
Aside from anything else in your question, as an adult it's a very bad idea to ruin yourself financially for a hobby.
Choose a hobby you can afford.
Also, if you don't like to practice you'll never do well competing. If you have some dream of getting to a certain level competitively, but you aren't willing to practice either at home or with a lot of studio time somewhere else, you still won't be able to attain that level you feel bitter about not reaching.
posted by yohko at 2:19 PM on October 3, 2014
Response by poster: Thanks everyone. You've given me a lot to think about. I especially appreciate the perspective on high school vs. adult life, as that's the hardest part I'm dealing with - I tend to cling to the past. I'm going to think it over a bit more and possibly give it a few more months, maybe talk to my teacher about it. I'm not particularly interested in teaching since it's just not really something I'm into. But there are other hobbies I've thought about that are more adult-friendly and maybe it's finally time to move into one of those.
posted by majesty_snowbird at 4:07 PM on October 3, 2014
posted by majesty_snowbird at 4:07 PM on October 3, 2014
This thread is closed to new comments.
posted by parki at 11:52 AM on October 2, 2014 [2 favorites]