I'm 28 years old and I feel passionless and directionless -- how can I find something, anything that I like to do and will stick with?
July 2, 2011 11:15 PM   Subscribe

I don't really have anything I can say is a 'passion' or 'interest' that I've held for longer than a few months to a year. The result is I feel completely directionless, left with absolutely nothing to do on the weekends and evenings and feeling like I'm wasting my time and abilities on nothing. How do I find something to do that I like doing and can get good at, and how do I keep my interest? I don't think it's from lack of trying new things -- I've worked vastly different jobs and have tried a bunch of different creative things -- writing, drawing, music, etc., but nothing really sticks. I just want to get good at something and take pride in it. I feel like I am completely the same person as I was 5 years ago, and that scares me. What should I do?
posted by allseeingabstract to Sports, Hobbies, & Recreation (25 answers total) 65 users marked this as a favorite
 
Maybe your interest is in trying new things? So instead of joining the gardening society, why don't you make it a point to keep trying new things. If you only like the honeymoon phase of a new interest why fight it?

All I read is that you're someone who loves experimenting and seeking out new things. So instead of lamenting that you aren't out with your regular bowling league team, schedule yourself for a new class, a new volunteer project or a new crafting project every weekend.

One of the most interesting people I've ever met is just such a nomad. He spent a summer fishing for lobster, then climbed the alps and even tried beekeeping for a while.

So get good at being someone who's down for anything. Take pride in the fact that you've seen and done and tried more different things than most people ever will.
posted by JimmyJames at 11:30 PM on July 2, 2011 [17 favorites]


is there a "the perfect is the enemy of the good" thing happening here?

I'm getting the feeling that, it's not okay to you, if you spend all your free time and energy on writing, sports, cooking - whatever activity- and you risk ending up not being REALLY GOOD at it.
posted by thelonius at 11:39 PM on July 2, 2011 [1 favorite]


At any given moment, I have approximately three obsessions. One of them will last about two weeks, another will last about two months, and the third will last about two years. I find it generally impossible to predict in advance how long any of them will last, but they tend to consistently fall in about that pattern.

I have come to terms with the fact that I will never be truly an expert at anything; but I'm a quick learner, and so in exchange I get to be pretty excellent at anything that catches my fancy.
posted by NMcCoy at 12:36 AM on July 3, 2011 [6 favorites]


I have another take on things. I wonder if you're just not seeing the pattern to the range of things you have taken up: writing, drawing, and music are all arts, for example, and historically having a good general knowledge of a whole variety of things--always including the arts, by the way--was considered a virtue, the very definition of a "Renaissance" individual.

Don't get too bogged down by the more recent emphasis on specialization. This comes out of economics, and has increasingly been seen as a capitalist mandate. That doesn't mean it's everyone's mandate, and it doesn't even mean that it's a good thing. (For example, there are many arguments that can be made for why workers in any given company should at some point, or even often, be exposed to the entirety of the company, and not just their tiny slice of it.) At any rate, all it means is that's what people are encouraged to do in the United States right *now.*

Having said all that, if you're feeling aimless in your spare time, maybe you should try lots more new things, and make that your specialty, as JimmyJames suggested. Or, maybe you should pick out more precisely the thing that attracted you to some of the other things you have tried in the past: patterns again.

I, for example, am a born generalist. (Someone's got to advocate for us!) That's why I went into editing and writing as a profession. The means is considered (by some) to be specialized. But I always considered it a generalized venture. Even if I was tackling issues of grammar or clarity, again and again, in the same or similar ways, the subject matter was always changing. And there are a million ways to look at language (through other languages, through grammar, through linguistics, through commerce), so I guess that's how I found my peace in a specialized world.

Chances are you will too.
posted by Violet Blue at 12:46 AM on July 3, 2011 [8 favorites]


I know how you feel. At times I worry that, in the end, maybe there just isn't anything that will really engage me; that I'm just an uninspired person. Maybe the problem is that we've bought into a myth in which everyone has a special talent, a singular passion, a dream job, etc.

The only advice I can give is to try to put a real, sustained effort into things before deciding that they're not for you. Sometimes a pursuit doesn't become rewarding until you get deeply into it; if you're capricious, you may miss out. With that said, (1) I don't get the impression that you are capricious; and (2) this advice obviously won't help actually figure out what to choose. But beyond being open, and taking things seriously, I don't think there's much else you can control.
posted by Maxa at 1:05 AM on July 3, 2011 [2 favorites]


I do the same thing. I can't stay interested in a hobby for very long. In my mind, the grass is always greener.

I did though discover that this is perfectly normal for people of my type under myers-briggs (MBTI). Find an MBTI test and you might learn a lot about yourself.

Don't worry though, you're "normal". :)
posted by Alan2000 at 1:32 AM on July 3, 2011


You are 'normal' yes, but perhaps this is the problem? You want to be exceptional at something but havn't found a suitable niche. I remember seeing a book as a teenager, in a bookshop called something like 'coming to terms with medirocity '. I rememebr thinking to myself, that might be useful one day.... if the music doesn't work out. I must admit I've search on amazon for it a couple of times.... but never found it
posted by choppyes at 2:02 AM on July 3, 2011 [1 favorite]


Take a look at the book "Refuse to Choose" by Barbara Sher. I've worked with her other books, and found them valuable, but only glanced through this one.

Although it's about 'Scanners' (aka generalists, 'renaissance-types') and the merits of that versus the cultural emphasis on 'divers' or specialists, it contains a lot on how to actually make that 'work' for you (I think one of the recommendations was seasonal rotation - eg gardening in summer, theatre in winter, and you don't do it too long to get bored of it). But also, it contains a lot of information for people who have the capacity to 'dive' but are blocked somehow, and removing those blocks.
posted by Elysum at 2:06 AM on July 3, 2011 [9 favorites]


Apologies for the sudden tendency to 'quote' things...
posted by Elysum at 2:07 AM on July 3, 2011


Go watch Connections. A recurring event you'll notice both in the documentaries, and in real life, is that experts invent amazing (and simple) things and solve problems, but their expertise narrows their focus, such that plenty of experts have solutions in need of problems, while other experts in completely different fields have problems in need of solutions, and neither knows that the other already exists.

Then along comes a layman who has dabbled in so many things that, unlike the focused experts, he happens to be aware of both fields, and he makes the connection - that this technique from this field, has a potential application over here in this other field. And history is made.

The point is, you can do great things (and find opportunities for good money) even as a dabbler, and I know from experience that there is some surprisingly low-hanging fruit. But it will help if you are consciously aware that when dabbling in a field, you don't have to view the accomplished experts as all-knowing, if you think you know a better (or easier or cheaper or simpler or quicker) way via something else you have experience with.

Another tip - the especially low-hanging fruit is in fields with poorly overlapping demographics. The world contains many people who are interested in both pickup trucks and guns, so there is unlikely to be low-hanging fruit in either of those fields for the other. But if your interests include tabletop wargaming and knitting, chances are pretty good there haven't been all that many people exploring the possibilities those fields offer each other.
posted by anonymisc at 2:09 AM on July 3, 2011 [7 favorites]


Also, I've found that drilling down into an obscure niche is a good way to get your foot in the door in a competitive industry that interests you, and gain confidence. Then it becomes easier to take a sideways step once you have excelled in your niche.
posted by choppyes at 3:19 AM on July 3, 2011 [1 favorite]


I'm more concerned with the changes in jobs - has there been a logical progression in your career or have you moved aimlessly from one to another? A career is like a marriage - a series of compromises and unlikely to be something you're constantly passionate about. But it can be something you're satisfied with and happy in. Oddly enough, those jobs that seem extremely "fun" are much more competitive - music, sports, etc., while jobs in accounting and finance require competence, but if you've got it there's bound to be room for you.

That didn't seem to be the focus of your question, and if I'm lecturing in an area you're doing fine in, my apologies, but if you are struggling in your career choice, that may be part of your problem in finding fulfilling avocations.

My own idea in life has been to look to my day job as a way of supporting my family, to throw myself into that 8-5, and to be as passionate as time, money, and family allow about unrelated things. Yes, those interests drift a bit over the years - that's not necessarily a tragedy. What would be a tragedy is if you never quite latch onto something and get past the learning curve necessary to really enjoy it.

Everything in the arts (just like the rest of life, but perhaps more so) has a learning curve, and there's always a point at which self-confidence really lags and slogging through the next part sucks. There's initial enthusiasm, then you hit a point where you realize that as a beginner you're really limited. Give yourself a chance to gut through that. Find people who are understanding (which usually isn't hard - any expert has been a beginner at least once), and keep at it.
posted by randomkeystrike at 5:49 AM on July 3, 2011 [3 favorites]


As everyone has said, there's a lot of value in being a generalist, someone who has a bit of experience in a lot of different fields. Presumably after a few months to a year of doing something you've managed to become reasonably good at it, so by now you might have quite a range of skills that most people don't have. Have you tried putting together a list of the interests you've picked up and dropped over the years? You might get a new perspective on whether you're "completely the same person" as you were 5 years ago. It might also (as suggested above) reveal some patterns that could suggest new interests to pursue.

Have you thought about why your interest tends to drop after time? Do you get distracted by other interests and switch to them instead? Do you feel like you're not making sufficient progress, or hit a plateau, and get frustrated? Do you go through a period where you just don't have time to do stuff, and then find it impossible to pick it up again? Or do you just find that what once was fascinating is gradually, or suddenly, no longer of any interest to you?

A couple of (perhaps too obvious) things that may help with retaining an interest. First, try to keep some record by which you can track your progress; obviously this will be easier with some activities than others. Relatedly, if you have a goal you can work toward, that might help you get through a slump. Finally, if you can make some kind of external commitment -- signing up for a course, joining a book club, or even just getting a couple of friends to join in -- then you're no longer relying solely on your own motivation to keep going.

All three suggestions are really just variations on the same theme: your motivation to stick to an interest is going to sag at some point, and in order to make that drop-off temporary, rather than permanent, you need to have some kind of short-term substitute to carry you through. That substitute might be an accrued achievement: "I don't want to study today, but I really don't want to just forget all the 225 words of Italian I've worked so hard to learn". It might be a commitment you've made in advance: "I'm not in the mood for painting, but there's no way I'm letting $30 worth of classes go to waste". Or it might just be a reluctance to let down the friends who'll be making an effort with you. Of course, you could use all three. If you can get a couple of friends to sign up for a 10 week needlecraft class with you, you're much less likely to quit with a half-finished scarf.
posted by logopetria at 7:13 AM on July 3, 2011


My grandfather, my father and I share a trait - we try things for a certain amount of time and stick with them only if they remain difficult. Once we get good enough (in our own minds) at something, it loses its allure. My grandfather stuck with golf and roses because they were difficult; my dad stuck with sailing, I stick with rock climbing and glass work. As for occupation we are all mechanical engineers and that never ever gets tiresome.
posted by jet_silver at 7:24 AM on July 3, 2011 [2 favorites]


What did you like doing when you were say, 10 or 11 years old? I found myself feeling the way you do and worried (still do at times) about wasting time not developing myself.

Someone listening to my rambling about directionless ennui several years ago asked me what I liked doing when I was a kid, before menarche/boys/study/career took over. I meditated on this for some time, and found myself remembering that I loved building Lego houses, drawing rooms, furniture etc and rearranging my grandma's living room. Or hanging around helping on my dad's building sites. I got back into drawing, signed up for casual art classes, stopped reading fiction and bought/ devoured architecture books instead and got back to my early passions. I changed my career direction as a result, but more
importantly, I addressed that hopeless, unfulfilled queen-of-unfinished-business feeling that had been causing a deep-seated frustration. I rekindled and nurtured what had already been seeking expression when I was a child.

This may veer into loopy new age territory but a meditative exercise that helped me was to get a sheet of paper and pen, start meditating on my directions/directionless feelings, and write whatever came to mind with my left hand (ie not my dominant hand). Strange exercise, but wow, what a revelation when I read back what I had written later. On the page were all the things that had interested me as a kid - drawing, horses, buildings, scrapbooking etc.
posted by honey-barbara at 7:43 AM on July 3, 2011 [4 favorites]


Try to find things that leave you fulfilled. I sympathize with you in this plight; I used to be "directionless" other than "just work, eat, sleep, repeat". I've found that learning new things is the most interesting, but doing new things that help others is the most fulfilling.

Want to try working with your hands?
Help build a Habitat house.

Doing work for others helps keep me focused on one thing at a time for a good while.


-- my 2¢
posted by cellojoe at 8:18 AM on July 3, 2011 [1 favorite]


You'll stick with things longer if you are responsible to people outside yourself. Try to get some friends involved in a long-term collaborative project. Play in a band, build a boat, learn to cook.
posted by j03 at 9:40 AM on July 3, 2011


Came in to say more or less what j03 did; if you can find a class or a group whose company you enjoy, who have regular classes/meetings/whatever, you will find yourself engaging with that thing for a much longer period, long enough to develop skill and some expertise at it.

This narrows the universe of "all possible activities" -- you're going to have more luck with Tae Kwan Doh classes or a running club than with a "learn to ski" course, for example -- but it will help you stick with something and develop expertise in it if you find a group to do it with over a longer period of time.

(And I say this as another dilettante whose hobby is learning (the basics about) new things, and then moving on to the next thing, most of the time.)
posted by Eyebrows McGee at 10:11 AM on July 3, 2011


My standard answer, from Cary Tennis at salon.com
posted by lalochezia at 11:52 AM on July 3, 2011


Mod note: Big cut and paste removed. Please link and maybe excerpt a paragraph or something if you want to bring in something lengthy from another thread.
posted by cortex (staff) at 3:26 PM on July 3, 2011


It's possible that you're overestimating what "passion" can do.

No matter how much you like writing or music or whatever, there's going to come a day when you feel bored with it, when you don't feel like making the effort. It happens to everyone. It happens to the pros, it happens to the most dedicated amateurs, it happens whether you're an optimist or a pessimist or cheery or depressed or whatever. There comes a point when your enthusiasm wanes, maybe just for a moment, maybe for a day or a week or more.

Some people, when they hit that point, go "oh shit I guess that wasn't my True Passion" and give up. But that's the wrong response. The right response is to pick up the damn guitar and play some tunes anyway, and have faith that if you keep going it'll get exciting again in a few days.

And the point is, you have to pick up the damn guitar. Your love of music, however strong it is, won't pick it up for you. If you sit there waiting for your passionate love of music to pick up the guitar all by itself, yeah, you're gonna get kind of disillusioned and start feeling like "Man, my so-called 'passionate' love of music isn't doing shit for me. Screw this, I give up." The answer here is simple. Don't dig yourself into that hole. Don't sit around waiting for something magical to happen. Just pick up the guitar. It'll get good again.
posted by nebulawindphone at 4:53 PM on July 3, 2011 [4 favorites]


The cut and paste above got yoinked, so here's a link to the comment in question from Grumblebee.
posted by Happy Dave at 2:41 AM on July 4, 2011 [1 favorite]


I was about to link to that same comment, Happy Dave. Well worth a read.

OP, I totally sympathise with your predicament. If you are anything like me, you get a huge kick out of creating things. You may get bored and flip from one thing to another, but the interest that ties them together is your creativity. The trouble is that you don't stay interested long enough to actually complete anything - and that is frustrating as hell.

But one of my habits never ceases to satisfy my urge - photography. Not only is it easily accessible now, but it's effectively free once you've "invested" in a camera. There's as much or as little creativity as you want - you can take the picture and leave it at that, or you can do as much post-processing as you like. There's still frustration when you can't quite capture what you are seeing, but if you stick with it, you'll get better and better. There's no limit to what can be learned. You don't need to turn it into a career or anything - it's an incredibly satisfying and useful skill on its own.

The other thing is that it's easy to stick with it: all you have to do is take your camera with you when you go somewhere. At first you'll take clichéd pictures of flowers and sunsets (nature does the hard work there), but after a while you'll start seeing beauty all around. And even if your pictures are awful, they'll provide a record of all that you've experienced, making it impossible to insist that nothing has changed. It's also a way of getting yourself out an about - you'll find yourself exploring places you never would have been just to get a few cool pics. Get into the habit of having a camera on you at all times.

If it sounds like something you'd enjoy, throw yourself at it. It's worthwhile, I promise.
posted by Acey at 6:27 AM on July 4, 2011


It would help to tell us a bit more about yourself, so that these aren't completely random guesses at what might work for you. If any one of us had a one-shot, one-size fits all answer for your question, we'd be touring urban America making loot, and probably not answering questions on the internet quite as much. :-)

Me? I got bored out of my head at a desk job, and found that I liked woodworking; designing and building functional furniture.

Doing something just to do it wasn't any fun. I'm a capable DJ, a mediocre musician, a lackluster artist, and know I could be better... if I had the desire to grind at it.

Something about the end product being useful does it for me. Woodworking gave me something to show for my work that I don't feel like a dick bragging about when someone asks.
posted by talldean at 7:37 PM on July 4, 2011


Late to the party.. Just wanted to add that these feelings come with the territory. I started feeling listless and unsatisfied and directionless at around that age, and many of my friends did as well (usually the more sensitive ones).

An old Buddhist I met used to say "the waves are not the ocean". Meaning that feelings aren't the whole of reality, they swell and sink and are part of the ocean, but they're not the whole picture, if this somehow makes sense. I guess what I'm getting at is that these feelings will eventually change; they're not real, you know, they're just the way you feel right now, and you won't always feel this way. In the meantime take care of yourself, nurture whatever you identify in you as "good", and don't sweat it -- you'll be fine, young friend. Seriously. You may not believe this at the moment, but things have a way of working out okay no matter how much we worry about them.

Best of luck.
posted by papafrita at 11:12 PM on July 9, 2011 [1 favorite]


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