Grammar helo Please!
March 3, 2010 11:30 AM Subscribe
Please make these sentences grammatically correct for me. For some reason, I am unable to format this idea into a coherent couple of sentences that read well. Your help is greatly appreciated.
Content Below:
Each image has a specific meaning. Once you put these images together; both visually and conceptually, you realize the underlying meaning of the story is a contrast of ideologies pertaining to heritage.
Content Below:
Each image has a specific meaning. Once you put these images together; both visually and conceptually, you realize the underlying meaning of the story is a contrast of ideologies pertaining to heritage.
Each image has a specific meaning. Once you put these images together, you realize both visually and conceptually that the underlying meaning of the story is a contrast of ideologies pertaining to heritage.
posted by rtha at 11:35 AM on March 3, 2010
posted by rtha at 11:35 AM on March 3, 2010
Response by poster: Context:
“Everyday Use” is a story set in the early 1970’s of a single, African-American mother with two daughters. The author, Alice Walker, is able to convey vivid, realistic images through her writing. However, most of her imagery is not accidental, it is metaphorical. Each image has a specific meaning. Once you put these images together; both visually and conceptually, you realize the underlying meaning of the story is a contrast of ideologies pertaining to heritage.
posted by cheechman85 at 11:37 AM on March 3, 2010
“Everyday Use” is a story set in the early 1970’s of a single, African-American mother with two daughters. The author, Alice Walker, is able to convey vivid, realistic images through her writing. However, most of her imagery is not accidental, it is metaphorical. Each image has a specific meaning. Once you put these images together; both visually and conceptually, you realize the underlying meaning of the story is a contrast of ideologies pertaining to heritage.
posted by cheechman85 at 11:37 AM on March 3, 2010
Each image has a specific meaning. Once you put these images together (both visually and conceptually) you realize the underlying meaning of the story is a contrast of ideologies pertaining to heritage.
Each image has a specific meaning. Once you put these images together -- both visually and conceptually -- you realize the underlying meaning of the story is a contrast of ideologies pertaining to heritage.
Each image has a specific meaning. Once you put these images together, both visually and conceptually, you realize the underlying meaning of the story is a contrast of ideologies pertaining to heritage.
posted by nitsuj at 11:37 AM on March 3, 2010
Each image has a specific meaning. Once you put these images together -- both visually and conceptually -- you realize the underlying meaning of the story is a contrast of ideologies pertaining to heritage.
Each image has a specific meaning. Once you put these images together, both visually and conceptually, you realize the underlying meaning of the story is a contrast of ideologies pertaining to heritage.
posted by nitsuj at 11:37 AM on March 3, 2010
Grammatically, the only error is the semi-colon - it should be a plain comma.
Depending on the context of your writing (is it a school essay? A published criticism?), "you" is either too informal or too presumptive - it's better to switch to a passive voice in this situation.
posted by muddgirl at 11:39 AM on March 3, 2010
Depending on the context of your writing (is it a school essay? A published criticism?), "you" is either too informal or too presumptive - it's better to switch to a passive voice in this situation.
Each image has a specific meaning. Once these images are processed visually and conceptually, they reveal a generational clash between [summarize the ideologies here].That's the best I can do without seeing the whole essay.
posted by muddgirl at 11:39 AM on March 3, 2010
Each image has a specific meaning. When viewed together as a visual and conceptual whole, they reveal a story [subtext maybe?] contrasting different ideologies rooted in heritage.
posted by drlith at 11:39 AM on March 3, 2010 [1 favorite]
posted by drlith at 11:39 AM on March 3, 2010 [1 favorite]
Each image has a specific meaning. Combining the images reveals the underlying theme of the story- a contrast of heritage-based ideologies.
(Sorry if that doesn't work; best i could do without more context.)
posted by drjimmy11 at 11:40 AM on March 3, 2010
(Sorry if that doesn't work; best i could do without more context.)
posted by drjimmy11 at 11:40 AM on March 3, 2010
(and just saw your context, but that's still the best I can do.)
posted by drjimmy11 at 11:41 AM on March 3, 2010
posted by drjimmy11 at 11:41 AM on March 3, 2010
"Each image has a specific meaning. Combining the images reveals the underlying theme of the story- a contrast of ideologies about heritage." maybe would be better?
I think it's the end that's tripping me up, I don't actually know what "ideologies pertaining to heritage" are. Ways of thinking about ancestors or family relationships? I think you need a different word besides "heritage" maybe.
posted by drjimmy11 at 11:43 AM on March 3, 2010
I think it's the end that's tripping me up, I don't actually know what "ideologies pertaining to heritage" are. Ways of thinking about ancestors or family relationships? I think you need a different word besides "heritage" maybe.
posted by drjimmy11 at 11:43 AM on March 3, 2010
Seconding any of nitsuj's suggestions — except that I think you could afford to lose "both visually and conceptually" altogether.
Indeed, I am not quite sure what the difference is between putting images together visually versus conceptually when all the images are in writing in the first place, which would make that phrase redundant.
posted by game warden to the events rhino at 11:43 AM on March 3, 2010
Indeed, I am not quite sure what the difference is between putting images together visually versus conceptually when all the images are in writing in the first place, which would make that phrase redundant.
posted by game warden to the events rhino at 11:43 AM on March 3, 2010
As mudgirl noted, the problem is not so much grammar. it's that you should just go ahead and be more specific. Right now it's just kind of tiptoeing around the edges, and it's hard to know what we're actually reading about.
posted by drjimmy11 at 11:45 AM on March 3, 2010
posted by drjimmy11 at 11:45 AM on March 3, 2010
"... The author, Alice Walker, conveys vivid, realistic images, which are not merely incidental but often serve as metaphors. The juxtaposition of these images reveals an underlying contrast of ideologies pertaining to heritage."
posted by Jaltcoh at 11:45 AM on March 3, 2010 [1 favorite]
posted by Jaltcoh at 11:45 AM on March 3, 2010 [1 favorite]
(Also seconding others who noted that the whole thing could be more specific/direct and less abstract. But in the absence of more specificity, that's my attempt to make it more concise and flowing.)
posted by Jaltcoh at 11:47 AM on March 3, 2010
posted by Jaltcoh at 11:47 AM on March 3, 2010
Each image has a specific meaning. Combining these images visually and conceptually allows you the see the contrast of ideologies [generated by?] heritage.
You need to clarify the relationship between ideologies and heritage. Do the ideologies reflect heritage?
Another possibility:
When you conceptually and visually combine the images, it becomes apparent that the story focuses on the contrast of ideologies pertaining to heritage.
I can't believe people get paid to do this!
posted by mecran01 at 11:48 AM on March 3, 2010
You need to clarify the relationship between ideologies and heritage. Do the ideologies reflect heritage?
Another possibility:
When you conceptually and visually combine the images, it becomes apparent that the story focuses on the contrast of ideologies pertaining to heritage.
I can't believe people get paid to do this!
posted by mecran01 at 11:48 AM on March 3, 2010
Once you put these images together; both visually and conceptually,
Yeah, yank that semicolon out of there. This is a good explanation of why you shouldn't use one in the way you've used it.
posted by rtha at 11:49 AM on March 3, 2010
Yeah, yank that semicolon out of there. This is a good explanation of why you shouldn't use one in the way you've used it.
posted by rtha at 11:49 AM on March 3, 2010
Ah, thanks for the clarification. I was taking "images" to refer to photographs or something. I'll suggest this instead:
Each image has a specific meaning. When taken together as a visual and conceptual whole, they reveal that the story, at its heart, concerns a contrast between differing ideas about the meaning [or significance?] of heritage.
"ideologies pertaining to heritage" is vague, and I also suspect that whatever you mean by that, it's nothing as formal as what I understand an "ideology" to be.
posted by drlith at 11:52 AM on March 3, 2010
Each image has a specific meaning. When taken together as a visual and conceptual whole, they reveal that the story, at its heart, concerns a contrast between differing ideas about the meaning [or significance?] of heritage.
"ideologies pertaining to heritage" is vague, and I also suspect that whatever you mean by that, it's nothing as formal as what I understand an "ideology" to be.
posted by drlith at 11:52 AM on March 3, 2010
Response by poster: Wow.. Such quick, concise responses.
I have to admit, I am am an amateur writer at best. I am way out of my league here...
@ Dr. Jimmy: After reading your comment, you're correct. Heritage is heritage... What I was trying to get at is being ashamed of your heritage rather than embracing it. Which wouldn't be an ideology at all.
posted by cheechman85 at 11:55 AM on March 3, 2010
I have to admit, I am am an amateur writer at best. I am way out of my league here...
@ Dr. Jimmy: After reading your comment, you're correct. Heritage is heritage... What I was trying to get at is being ashamed of your heritage rather than embracing it. Which wouldn't be an ideology at all.
posted by cheechman85 at 11:55 AM on March 3, 2010
"ideologies pertaining to heritage" is vague
Presumably the essay will go on to clarify what the phrase means. For instance, maybe one ideology is that you must always strictly adhere to the traditions of your heritage, and a different ideology is that the heritage is more of an evolving thing, and still a different ideology is that some parts of heritage should be radically overthrown. If that's made clear, then I think "ideologies pertaining to heritage" is fine.
posted by Jaltcoh at 11:57 AM on March 3, 2010
Presumably the essay will go on to clarify what the phrase means. For instance, maybe one ideology is that you must always strictly adhere to the traditions of your heritage, and a different ideology is that the heritage is more of an evolving thing, and still a different ideology is that some parts of heritage should be radically overthrown. If that's made clear, then I think "ideologies pertaining to heritage" is fine.
posted by Jaltcoh at 11:57 AM on March 3, 2010
I agree with muddgirl re the comma and about switching to the passive, but I'd also be inclined to lose "ideologies". It may of course be exactly what you mean, but I tend to go after abstractions when trying to clarify something. Also, it doesn't sit well with "meaning". How about something like "reveal the conflict between the generations' views of their heritage"?
posted by Logophiliac at 11:58 AM on March 3, 2010
posted by Logophiliac at 11:58 AM on March 3, 2010
Response by poster: Jaltoch... Everybody here had me doubting myself. The essay will go onto explain the exact ideologies you have explained.
In the story the Mother embraces here African American heritage. However her daughter, ( a young African American woman in the 70's) is ashamed of it in certain aspects but embraces the African part.
posted by cheechman85 at 12:02 PM on March 3, 2010
In the story the Mother embraces here African American heritage. However her daughter, ( a young African American woman in the 70's) is ashamed of it in certain aspects but embraces the African part.
posted by cheechman85 at 12:02 PM on March 3, 2010
I think the point is to say what you want to say directly, rather than put it really abstractly.
In fact, the sentence you wrote just now is great!
In fact, the sentence you wrote just now is great!
In the story the Mother embraces her African-American heritage. However, her daughter is ashamed of certain aspects of being a modern African-American woman, but ultimately embraces the African part of her heritage.posted by muddgirl at 12:11 PM on March 3, 2010
(I haven't read the story, so I don't know if what I wrote is exactly correct, but hopefully you get the picture)
posted by muddgirl at 12:11 PM on March 3, 2010
posted by muddgirl at 12:11 PM on March 3, 2010
“Everyday Use” is a story set in the early 1970’s of a single, African-American mother with two daughters. The author, Alice Walker, is able to convey vivid, realistic images through her writing. However, most of her imagery is not accidental, it is metaphorical. Each image has a specific meaning. Once you put these images together; both visually and conceptually, you realize the underlying meaning of the story is a contrast of ideologies pertaining to heritage.
As others have said, besides the semicolon (and the possibly superfluous apostrophe in 1970's), grammar is not the issue here. Stylistically though I think this needs a lot of work. I'd urge you in general to try and state your ideas as simply as possible. A good chunk of this short paragraph reads as sort of meaningless fluff to me.
Here's my rewrite:
“Everyday Use” is a story of a single African-American mother of two in the early 1970s. The author, Alice Walker, uses vivid, realistic images to tell a story of contrasting views on heritage.
Now, I'm not familiar with this story and I don't know if that communicates what you're trying to say. But I think it says about as much as your paragraph does with fewer words and more clarity.
posted by ludwig_van at 12:13 PM on March 3, 2010
As others have said, besides the semicolon (and the possibly superfluous apostrophe in 1970's), grammar is not the issue here. Stylistically though I think this needs a lot of work. I'd urge you in general to try and state your ideas as simply as possible. A good chunk of this short paragraph reads as sort of meaningless fluff to me.
Here's my rewrite:
“Everyday Use” is a story of a single African-American mother of two in the early 1970s. The author, Alice Walker, uses vivid, realistic images to tell a story of contrasting views on heritage.
Now, I'm not familiar with this story and I don't know if that communicates what you're trying to say. But I think it says about as much as your paragraph does with fewer words and more clarity.
posted by ludwig_van at 12:13 PM on March 3, 2010
Your grammar looks fine to me. I think the biggest part of improving writing that is already good is just to cut as many words as you can while retaining the same amount of content/meaning.
Here's my suggestion.
“Everyday Use” is a story set in the early 1970’s of a single, African-American mother with two daughters. The author, Alice Walker, uses vivid, realistic images as metaphors to convey specific underlying meanings; when put together both visually and conceptually, the images reveal a contrast of ideologies pertaining to heritage.
posted by Ashley801 at 12:27 PM on March 3, 2010
Here's my suggestion.
“Everyday Use” is a story set in the early 1970’s of a single, African-American mother with two daughters. The author, Alice Walker, uses vivid, realistic images as metaphors to convey specific underlying meanings; when put together both visually and conceptually, the images reveal a contrast of ideologies pertaining to heritage.
posted by Ashley801 at 12:27 PM on March 3, 2010
Response by poster: I am getting a true lesson here...
Truthfully, my style of writing has always been the same. I like to use description to fluff paragraphs and add more meaning. But as most of you have told me already, this is not needed. I suspect this comes from countless teachers counting words and not reading papers.
Thanks for the advice all of you! I will be short and concise with my paper. I will post it later tonight for anybody that interested. (doubtful but I will do it anyway :-) )
posted by cheechman85 at 12:30 PM on March 3, 2010
Truthfully, my style of writing has always been the same. I like to use description to fluff paragraphs and add more meaning. But as most of you have told me already, this is not needed. I suspect this comes from countless teachers counting words and not reading papers.
Thanks for the advice all of you! I will be short and concise with my paper. I will post it later tonight for anybody that interested. (doubtful but I will do it anyway :-) )
posted by cheechman85 at 12:30 PM on March 3, 2010
Haha yeah, this is actually something I strugged with after I graduated from high school - why say something with one sentence when I can fill a whole paragraph? :)
But really, it's much more important to use that space for supporting arguments and examples.
posted by muddgirl at 12:34 PM on March 3, 2010
But really, it's much more important to use that space for supporting arguments and examples.
posted by muddgirl at 12:34 PM on March 3, 2010
I like to use description to fluff paragraphs and add more meaning. But as most of you have told me already, this is not needed. I suspect this comes from countless teachers counting words and not reading papers.
In addition to the specific rewordings we've suggested, here's some broader advice. As you said, you're trying to be more concise. So try this: make sure your thesis (basically what you've been telling us in this thread) fits in one clear sentence that emphasizes the key concepts you're going to focus on.
Your basic idea is:
That's my attempt to boil it down so all the key concepts are expressed in as few words as possible. That grabs and focuses the reader's attention: "Oh, so that's what he thinks the author's doing. How's he going to prove that?"
Once you've done this clearly and concisely, up front, you then go on to give a number of detailed examples. For instance, in the such-and-such scene, images A and B are juxtaposed in a way that reflects the mom and daughter's conflict about blahblahblah. These detailed examples are where you can let loose and be a bit wordy. But what will hold it together is your clear, concise thesis that you've already stated (and will continue to remind the reader of). That way, you can still satisfy expectations about word count while being concise where you need to be.
posted by Jaltcoh at 1:17 PM on March 3, 2010
In addition to the specific rewordings we've suggested, here's some broader advice. As you said, you're trying to be more concise. So try this: make sure your thesis (basically what you've been telling us in this thread) fits in one clear sentence that emphasizes the key concepts you're going to focus on.
Your basic idea is:
Walker juxtaposes images to reflect clashing ideologies about the importance of heritage.
That's my attempt to boil it down so all the key concepts are expressed in as few words as possible. That grabs and focuses the reader's attention: "Oh, so that's what he thinks the author's doing. How's he going to prove that?"
Once you've done this clearly and concisely, up front, you then go on to give a number of detailed examples. For instance, in the such-and-such scene, images A and B are juxtaposed in a way that reflects the mom and daughter's conflict about blahblahblah. These detailed examples are where you can let loose and be a bit wordy. But what will hold it together is your clear, concise thesis that you've already stated (and will continue to remind the reader of). That way, you can still satisfy expectations about word count while being concise where you need to be.
posted by Jaltcoh at 1:17 PM on March 3, 2010
Response by poster: Jaltcoh... Thank you very much..
Metafilter truly rocks!
posted by cheechman85 at 1:59 PM on March 3, 2010
Metafilter truly rocks!
posted by cheechman85 at 1:59 PM on March 3, 2010
This thread is closed to new comments.
posted by Jaltcoh at 11:34 AM on March 3, 2010