Can I break off my long-term relationship and leave my girlfriend feeling empowered?
April 29, 2008 10:10 AM Subscribe
How can I break off my nearly 4 year long relationship and leave my girlfriend feeling empowered?
Hi hive, this question is going to be very long, so props to you if you make it through the whole thing.
I've been in a committed monogamous relationship with a woman for the last 3.9 years. She's now in her late 20s and I'm an early 30-ish male. She's from a rural farming community with a population of 10,000 in the upper-Midwest. I grew up in a major metropolitan area with 4 million people in the upper-Midwest. We met playing intramural sports together about 4 years ago when she moved to a distant suburb of the large metropolis that I call home.
I was very career focused at the time we met, working 12-16 hour days, including some weekends. I didn't have much time for a relationship, but still sought out a little companionship none-the-less. We started dating about a year after we met. She was very inexperienced in interpersonal relationships and was not sexually active at all until she met me, which was when she was in her early 20s. I had been in four separate committed relationships that were longer than 1 year in duration prior to meeting my current girlfriend.
My current girlfriend, when we started dating, did not have many friends, nor did she have many aspirations in life at all. If I had to label her, it would be socially-stunted in terms of personal development. She's extremely shy and introverted. She was an occasional soft-drug and alcohol user, and her life revolved around a low-paying 9-5 job, sports, and spending time with the few friends she had from back home that now lived near her in the big city. After our first few dates, I couldn't tell if she was in to me so I broke it off. A month later she confessed that she was really into me but just had trouble expressing her emotions and asked if we could date again. I hesitantly moved ahead with dating her, and now 3.9 years later we're still together.
Most of my past relationships were somewhat turbulent and high-drama, but given my commitment to my career at the point I met my current girlfriend, I had no time or desire to not deal with drama. A big part of the reason that I was content with my current relationship in the early days was that it was extremely low maintenance, and we shared a lot of outdoor hobbies together.
After 8 months together, we decided to cohabitate, more as a convenience than anything as she wasn't making a ton of money and wanted to live closer to the city-center.
2 years into our relationship, I received a job offer 1500 miles away in a rural location in the mountains working for a leading action sports brand. I decided to go alone, with the belief that the relationship would eventually fizzle. The relationship became so low-maintenance that we were only speaking to each other every other day, and only in 15 minute increments. I ended up throwing myself into this new job, working harder than ever, and I did not meet a lot of new people in my new location. When I first planned on moving, she was an emotional wreck about it. 6 months after I left, however, she told me that leaving was the best thing I ever did for her as it forced her to get out there and meet people on her own. (I think that I should bring this up as a way to empower her during the breakup. I'll mention how this will be similar to the time I moved away, and look at how that turned out for her in the end.)
Whenever my girlfriend would ask me about our future, I would always say "For now, I'm in a committed monogamous relationship with you. However, I've never given our future a lot of thought, and I've always been too busy to do the personal introspection required to determine if we have a future together as husband and wife. If you need to be in a relationship where you know it will end in marriage, or that there's at least that potential, then this is not the relationship for you. If you are fine with the ambiguity that our relationship has, then feel free to stay with me." Her response was always "I'm on the same page with you" even though I felt she was only saying that to stay with me in hopes I'd one day change my tune.
A few months ago, I landed a great job back home in the upper-Midwest. My girlfriend was not happy in her current living situation and asked if we could again cohabitate. I thought about it, and decided that it was a good financial decision for the both of us.
At my new job, I now work normal hours for the first time in nearly 10 years. I have a ton of time to focus on myself rather than my career. I'm now asking myself questions such as "Does romantic love exist?" "Do I want kids?" "Do I want to be in a relationship at all?" The first thing I did when I moved back was to get hooked up with a good psychologist to help me answer these questions.
After 3 months of visiting with the psychologist, I was starting to come to grips with the fact that I have never felt any passion in my current relationship. I was beginning to realize that I've likely wasted a lot of my own, and this poor girls time, and that the relationship should come to an end. I wasn't sure how to do it though since we have so many mutual friends now, we're involved in so many intermural teams that I now manage, and she's become fairly reliant on me to be her personal tour guide through life. I feel a massive sense of obligation to keep her happy, but at some point I guess I need to start looking out for myself.
I've now made my decision that I need to break up with my girlfriend. I will do it two weeks from now as she has a major project due between now and then and I don't want to divert her focus from being successful.
I don't dislike my girlfriend. In fact, I love her, but it's a friendship love, not a passionate love. There is no passion and I despise kissing her even though she's physically attractive. In fact, there hasn't been a physical element to the relationship since I've moved home, mostly because I resist and don't instigate anything.
I've read all the other posts on MeFi that I could find about relationships and have already taken much advice to heart. For example, I'm already keeping a journal of things that I dislike about the relationship, so that I don't do anything foolish like a re-bound, etc.
This brings us back to the main question. Knowing that I will completely break this poor girl’s heart, do you have any tips for me on how I can leave her at all feeling a sense of empowerment? I have accepted the fact that she will hate me for a long time, and I will also likely lose a lot of friends over this. I just want some ideas on what I can do to leave her feeling empowered.
Any advice or input you can offer will be greatly appreciated. Thanks!
Hi hive, this question is going to be very long, so props to you if you make it through the whole thing.
I've been in a committed monogamous relationship with a woman for the last 3.9 years. She's now in her late 20s and I'm an early 30-ish male. She's from a rural farming community with a population of 10,000 in the upper-Midwest. I grew up in a major metropolitan area with 4 million people in the upper-Midwest. We met playing intramural sports together about 4 years ago when she moved to a distant suburb of the large metropolis that I call home.
I was very career focused at the time we met, working 12-16 hour days, including some weekends. I didn't have much time for a relationship, but still sought out a little companionship none-the-less. We started dating about a year after we met. She was very inexperienced in interpersonal relationships and was not sexually active at all until she met me, which was when she was in her early 20s. I had been in four separate committed relationships that were longer than 1 year in duration prior to meeting my current girlfriend.
My current girlfriend, when we started dating, did not have many friends, nor did she have many aspirations in life at all. If I had to label her, it would be socially-stunted in terms of personal development. She's extremely shy and introverted. She was an occasional soft-drug and alcohol user, and her life revolved around a low-paying 9-5 job, sports, and spending time with the few friends she had from back home that now lived near her in the big city. After our first few dates, I couldn't tell if she was in to me so I broke it off. A month later she confessed that she was really into me but just had trouble expressing her emotions and asked if we could date again. I hesitantly moved ahead with dating her, and now 3.9 years later we're still together.
Most of my past relationships were somewhat turbulent and high-drama, but given my commitment to my career at the point I met my current girlfriend, I had no time or desire to not deal with drama. A big part of the reason that I was content with my current relationship in the early days was that it was extremely low maintenance, and we shared a lot of outdoor hobbies together.
After 8 months together, we decided to cohabitate, more as a convenience than anything as she wasn't making a ton of money and wanted to live closer to the city-center.
2 years into our relationship, I received a job offer 1500 miles away in a rural location in the mountains working for a leading action sports brand. I decided to go alone, with the belief that the relationship would eventually fizzle. The relationship became so low-maintenance that we were only speaking to each other every other day, and only in 15 minute increments. I ended up throwing myself into this new job, working harder than ever, and I did not meet a lot of new people in my new location. When I first planned on moving, she was an emotional wreck about it. 6 months after I left, however, she told me that leaving was the best thing I ever did for her as it forced her to get out there and meet people on her own. (I think that I should bring this up as a way to empower her during the breakup. I'll mention how this will be similar to the time I moved away, and look at how that turned out for her in the end.)
Whenever my girlfriend would ask me about our future, I would always say "For now, I'm in a committed monogamous relationship with you. However, I've never given our future a lot of thought, and I've always been too busy to do the personal introspection required to determine if we have a future together as husband and wife. If you need to be in a relationship where you know it will end in marriage, or that there's at least that potential, then this is not the relationship for you. If you are fine with the ambiguity that our relationship has, then feel free to stay with me." Her response was always "I'm on the same page with you" even though I felt she was only saying that to stay with me in hopes I'd one day change my tune.
A few months ago, I landed a great job back home in the upper-Midwest. My girlfriend was not happy in her current living situation and asked if we could again cohabitate. I thought about it, and decided that it was a good financial decision for the both of us.
At my new job, I now work normal hours for the first time in nearly 10 years. I have a ton of time to focus on myself rather than my career. I'm now asking myself questions such as "Does romantic love exist?" "Do I want kids?" "Do I want to be in a relationship at all?" The first thing I did when I moved back was to get hooked up with a good psychologist to help me answer these questions.
After 3 months of visiting with the psychologist, I was starting to come to grips with the fact that I have never felt any passion in my current relationship. I was beginning to realize that I've likely wasted a lot of my own, and this poor girls time, and that the relationship should come to an end. I wasn't sure how to do it though since we have so many mutual friends now, we're involved in so many intermural teams that I now manage, and she's become fairly reliant on me to be her personal tour guide through life. I feel a massive sense of obligation to keep her happy, but at some point I guess I need to start looking out for myself.
I've now made my decision that I need to break up with my girlfriend. I will do it two weeks from now as she has a major project due between now and then and I don't want to divert her focus from being successful.
I don't dislike my girlfriend. In fact, I love her, but it's a friendship love, not a passionate love. There is no passion and I despise kissing her even though she's physically attractive. In fact, there hasn't been a physical element to the relationship since I've moved home, mostly because I resist and don't instigate anything.
I've read all the other posts on MeFi that I could find about relationships and have already taken much advice to heart. For example, I'm already keeping a journal of things that I dislike about the relationship, so that I don't do anything foolish like a re-bound, etc.
This brings us back to the main question. Knowing that I will completely break this poor girl’s heart, do you have any tips for me on how I can leave her at all feeling a sense of empowerment? I have accepted the fact that she will hate me for a long time, and I will also likely lose a lot of friends over this. I just want some ideas on what I can do to leave her feeling empowered.
Any advice or input you can offer will be greatly appreciated. Thanks!
This post was deleted for the following reason: poster's request -- cortex
Lie and say you don't want children (if she does) or you do (if she doesn't.) That way, it is no one's fault.
posted by plexi at 10:26 AM on April 29, 2008
posted by plexi at 10:26 AM on April 29, 2008
How about you just break up with her and let her be a grownup and deal with it? She'll recover just fine without some kind of patronising notion of "how to leave her feeling empowered." Very few people will feel empowered by the end of a multi-year relationship.
posted by Tomorrowful at 10:30 AM on April 29, 2008 [3 favorites]
posted by Tomorrowful at 10:30 AM on April 29, 2008 [3 favorites]
I hate the word empowered. The best thing you can do for her is to break it off kindly. And by that, I mean a clean break. Don't sit there and try to tell her how she'll be meeting other people when you're gone, that just sucks. That's not where her mind is at. She'll get over you in her own time, and in her own way - you're not her therapist, and you can't even be her friend during this process.
And on preview, absolutely follow ThePinkSuperhero's advice - if you give her even the smallest shred of hope by saying something like "Yes, let's stay in touch from time to time via phone/email/passenger pigeon" - it makes it all that much harder to move on.
posted by Liosliath at 10:32 AM on April 29, 2008
And on preview, absolutely follow ThePinkSuperhero's advice - if you give her even the smallest shred of hope by saying something like "Yes, let's stay in touch from time to time via phone/email/passenger pigeon" - it makes it all that much harder to move on.
posted by Liosliath at 10:32 AM on April 29, 2008
Your job is to be honest with her about your desire to end the relationship. Your job is not to manage her feelings, reactions, subsequent actions, etc. Don't try to do it. She's an adult, and it's inappropriate for you to try to construct this experience as some kind of positive step or learning opportunity for her. Let her figure it out for herself. If your goal is to "empower" her, an attempt to manipulate her feelings and reactions is counterproductive. It takes power away from her. To truly "empower" her, treat her with respect and with the understanding that the power to decide how she wants to deal with your breakup is HERS.
posted by prefpara at 10:36 AM on April 29, 2008 [2 favorites]
posted by prefpara at 10:36 AM on April 29, 2008 [2 favorites]
6 months after I left, however, she told me that leaving was the best thing I ever did for her as it forced her to get out there and meet people on her own.
No, really, she'll be fine. It's not your job to empower her, she can and has done that before and she'll no doubt do it again.
posted by Brandon Blatcher at 10:37 AM on April 29, 2008
No, really, she'll be fine. It's not your job to empower her, she can and has done that before and she'll no doubt do it again.
posted by Brandon Blatcher at 10:37 AM on April 29, 2008
Keep the breakup short and simple and then LEAVE HER ALONE. Give her space to build a life completely free from you. You could also be the one to move out.
I agree 100% with TPS. This is a woman, not a child. Your breakup, no matter how condescending it is, will probably not empower her. If you really, really care about her, then don't haggle over mutual friends and activities: let her keep the ones she wants and give her space.
posted by muddgirl at 10:37 AM on April 29, 2008
I agree 100% with TPS. This is a woman, not a child. Your breakup, no matter how condescending it is, will probably not empower her. If you really, really care about her, then don't haggle over mutual friends and activities: let her keep the ones she wants and give her space.
posted by muddgirl at 10:37 AM on April 29, 2008
Just treat her with the same respect you would want yourself treated.
posted by xammerboy at 10:40 AM on April 29, 2008
posted by xammerboy at 10:40 AM on April 29, 2008
Don't do what plexi said, its cowardly and liable to blow up in your face, the advice is good.
posted by BobbyDigital at 10:44 AM on April 29, 2008
posted by BobbyDigital at 10:44 AM on April 29, 2008
I feel a consensus coming on here, but I agree. You may 'break this poor girl's heart' but for all you know she is sticking it out through a broken relationship because she doesn't want to hurt YOU. I mean, she's not dumb, right? You haven't been physical, you're getting distant, there's been so much ambiguity. Hell, it will probably be a huge weight off her chest when you finally end it. That's where the empowerment comes from. You set her free, then disappear.
posted by PercussivePaul at 10:44 AM on April 29, 2008
posted by PercussivePaul at 10:44 AM on April 29, 2008
From experience (not totally similar to your experience, but not totally different) anytime I've ever tried to empower someone or make them feel good about me hurting them, I've made a total ass out of myself. Short, simple, compasionate and straight forward. I know you won't mean to, but you'll be in playing with her head territory to do anything else.
posted by sully75 at 10:45 AM on April 29, 2008
posted by sully75 at 10:45 AM on April 29, 2008
Treat her with honesty and respect: be kind, be clear, and move on. Any empowerment (ugh, I hate the word too) she may eventually experience will come courtesy of herself, not as a gift from you.
posted by scody at 10:45 AM on April 29, 2008
posted by scody at 10:45 AM on April 29, 2008
If she is going to get anything out of this relationship, if she is going to feel stronger in the end because of it, it will have been from the relationship itself and not from the breakup. You can't really "empower" someone when you break up with them. The best you can do is give them the mature, respectful, simple breakup as mentioned by TPS et al.
Trying to make her feel empowered seems like it'd be counterproductive. Let her go, and trust that she'll find her own strength.
posted by Metroid Baby at 10:49 AM on April 29, 2008
Trying to make her feel empowered seems like it'd be counterproductive. Let her go, and trust that she'll find her own strength.
posted by Metroid Baby at 10:49 AM on April 29, 2008
Be kind, keep it clean and neat, don't fuck her over. By that I mean, if she is less secure financially, don't kick her out of your apartment on zero notice -- make sure she has the resources to move on in a dignified way. That might mean letting her keep the apartment, or forgiving her some rent, or something else -- think about what is genuinely fair, not just what is the minimum that is required in a court of law.
Sure she'll meet other people (and probably get over you by getting under them, as the cliché suggests), but she doesn't need you to hand-hold her through the process.
Don't lie, except for the usual polite formulas we all use ("it's not you, it's me"; "I'm just not ready to commit right now"; "I need some space to find myself"). But lies over and above the requirements of polite society (like "I want kids" or "I'm gay") usually aren't so helpful, because the bullshit shows through and makes everyone look bad. But at the same time, excessive honesty hurts a lot more than it helps. It might be true that "your big fat ass disgusts me" or "I have a crush on your underaged sister" -- but knowing that won't actually help anything.
If there is a way for one of you to go stay for a couple of weeks in a friend's apartment or a hotel (and by rights it should be you, since you are dropping the breakup bomb on her) while the other one looks for a place to live, that might be a lot easier than trying to figure out how to cohabitate after the breakup.
posted by Forktine at 10:54 AM on April 29, 2008
Sure she'll meet other people (and probably get over you by getting under them, as the cliché suggests), but she doesn't need you to hand-hold her through the process.
Don't lie, except for the usual polite formulas we all use ("it's not you, it's me"; "I'm just not ready to commit right now"; "I need some space to find myself"). But lies over and above the requirements of polite society (like "I want kids" or "I'm gay") usually aren't so helpful, because the bullshit shows through and makes everyone look bad. But at the same time, excessive honesty hurts a lot more than it helps. It might be true that "your big fat ass disgusts me" or "I have a crush on your underaged sister" -- but knowing that won't actually help anything.
If there is a way for one of you to go stay for a couple of weeks in a friend's apartment or a hotel (and by rights it should be you, since you are dropping the breakup bomb on her) while the other one looks for a place to live, that might be a lot easier than trying to figure out how to cohabitate after the breakup.
posted by Forktine at 10:54 AM on April 29, 2008
Be brief, be honest, and then leave her the hell alone. She'll cry. She'll move on. Try to lose the condescending attitude before doing the deed. That'll only make it worse for her.
posted by Mavri at 11:02 AM on April 29, 2008
posted by Mavri at 11:02 AM on April 29, 2008
Yeah, you seem to think you have almost 100% control over this woman and her thoughts and emotions. You don't. You're not responsible for her life and you can't control how she reacts to things by framing them in a certain way. break up with her. She'll live, and likely thrive.
posted by tristeza at 11:20 AM on April 29, 2008
posted by tristeza at 11:20 AM on April 29, 2008
Don't try to engineer what she will feel after you break up with her. As long as you are tactful, honest, decisive, and sensitive-- and then give her plenty of space (even if she claims not to need it) then you'll have done all you can.
She needs to feel like her reaction and her subsequent decisions are hers, not something she's inherited or been given by you. Being incredibly giving and supportive during a breakup is more likely to create mixed signals than anything else.
posted by [NOT HERMITOSIS-IST] at 11:23 AM on April 29, 2008
She needs to feel like her reaction and her subsequent decisions are hers, not something she's inherited or been given by you. Being incredibly giving and supportive during a breakup is more likely to create mixed signals than anything else.
posted by [NOT HERMITOSIS-IST] at 11:23 AM on April 29, 2008
This is all nonsense to feel better about yourself that you are 'ruining her life' by breaking up with her. This is not about her feelings, it's about yours. She will not die when you leave. She's not a baby. Forget how breaking up with her is going to make YOU feel about HER feelings and think about how you doing the right thing for YOU will help both you AND her in the long run. Break up with her and then let her be. It is not your job to make sure nothing hurts her in life.
posted by spicynuts at 11:24 AM on April 29, 2008
posted by spicynuts at 11:24 AM on April 29, 2008
I think everyone else has already said it. Just tell her it's over and then leave her alone so that it really is over. You can't "empower" her, that's something she'll find in her own time.
posted by Green Eyed Monster at 11:27 AM on April 29, 2008
posted by Green Eyed Monster at 11:27 AM on April 29, 2008
You could also show her this thread you started... You obviously put some thought into it and are being as honest as possible in order to convey the situation to us...
posted by Biscuit-Head at 11:32 AM on April 29, 2008
posted by Biscuit-Head at 11:32 AM on April 29, 2008
*deep breath*
I guess it's better that you're seeking to empower her, rather than pushing her into the dirt. Maybe she really is ultra-dependent on you. Maybe she really is fragile and hyperemotional. We don't know.
However, there is nothing nice you can say to someone like that when breaking up with them that will make them feel "empowered." Saying something like "I know you can make it on your own," if she's really that dependent and fragile, will not cause her to respond "Of course I can, you bastard." If she had that in her, you wouldn't be so concerned. It will more likely bring a response of "No I can't, you're my whole world, I love you, what did I do wrong," etc. Then you feel guilty for making her sad, and that's probably why you've stuck around for 4 years.
I recommend some version of "I don't see a future in this relationship." Don't get into a conversation of what she needs to do or what she needs to fix (especially in her own life). You've made up your mind. You feel a certain way about the relationship, and you want out. Keep the focus on you and your feelings, and leave her to her own feelings.
posted by desjardins at 11:38 AM on April 29, 2008
I guess it's better that you're seeking to empower her, rather than pushing her into the dirt. Maybe she really is ultra-dependent on you. Maybe she really is fragile and hyperemotional. We don't know.
However, there is nothing nice you can say to someone like that when breaking up with them that will make them feel "empowered." Saying something like "I know you can make it on your own," if she's really that dependent and fragile, will not cause her to respond "Of course I can, you bastard." If she had that in her, you wouldn't be so concerned. It will more likely bring a response of "No I can't, you're my whole world, I love you, what did I do wrong," etc. Then you feel guilty for making her sad, and that's probably why you've stuck around for 4 years.
I recommend some version of "I don't see a future in this relationship." Don't get into a conversation of what she needs to do or what she needs to fix (especially in her own life). You've made up your mind. You feel a certain way about the relationship, and you want out. Keep the focus on you and your feelings, and leave her to her own feelings.
posted by desjardins at 11:38 AM on April 29, 2008
When I was in a similar situation a few years ago, my ex helped me move across the country -- back to where I was before we met. I wouldn't have been able to do it without his help, and it left me with a ton of great (but not romantic) feelings about him and our relationship.
1. Give her some time to process. Don't make any decisions about who moves out right away, and don't linger on the details of the break-up. It's over. Help make things as normal as possible while she figures out what she'd like to do, go have coffee, see some movies.
2. Don't have sex.
3. Once she's made up her mind about where she'd like to go and what she wants to do, support her in that. Carry her boxes. Wish her well, then let her be.
posted by cior at 11:57 AM on April 29, 2008
1. Give her some time to process. Don't make any decisions about who moves out right away, and don't linger on the details of the break-up. It's over. Help make things as normal as possible while she figures out what she'd like to do, go have coffee, see some movies.
2. Don't have sex.
3. Once she's made up her mind about where she'd like to go and what she wants to do, support her in that. Carry her boxes. Wish her well, then let her be.
posted by cior at 11:57 AM on April 29, 2008
Trying to make her feel empowered seems like it'd be counterproductive. (- prefpara)
because
She needs to feel like her reaction and her subsequent decisions are hers, not something she's inherited or been given by you. (- [NOT HERMITOSIS-IST])
posted by salvia at 12:08 PM on April 29, 2008
because
She needs to feel like her reaction and her subsequent decisions are hers, not something she's inherited or been given by you. (- [NOT HERMITOSIS-IST])
posted by salvia at 12:08 PM on April 29, 2008
I personally don't think she's going to be all that upset - which is something that YOU will need to come to terms with. By your post you've spent the majority of your time together working - and everything you've said about her indicates that you have a pretty low opinion of her - she will most likely gain a tremendous amount of self esteem in your absence. I urge you to stay in therapy.
posted by The Light Fantastic at 12:14 PM on April 29, 2008 [1 favorite]
posted by The Light Fantastic at 12:14 PM on April 29, 2008 [1 favorite]
All things end poorly, or they don't end. Breakups suck. Even when you are initiating the breakup. Nothing you can do about it except make the decision, be brief, be honest, and get it over with if that is what you want to do.
posted by Silvertree at 12:32 PM on April 29, 2008
posted by Silvertree at 12:32 PM on April 29, 2008
One thing you can do to help her is ask the mods to delete this question, because at this level of detail I'm sure the unflattering things you've said about her would be instantly recognizable, and if she ever came across this post, well, I'm pretty sure I know how I'd feel if I were her.
I hope you've obscured and changed a lot of information.
posted by loiseau at 12:38 PM on April 29, 2008 [2 favorites]
I hope you've obscured and changed a lot of information.
posted by loiseau at 12:38 PM on April 29, 2008 [2 favorites]
What I'm talking about is even irrelevant stuff: "1500 miles away in a rural location in the mountains working for a leading action sports brand"?
posted by loiseau at 12:39 PM on April 29, 2008 [1 favorite]
posted by loiseau at 12:39 PM on April 29, 2008 [1 favorite]
you know, she'll get over it. she'll get over you. while it's sweet to do everything you can to make this as painless as possible, let's not overestimate your role in her life. it's entirely possible that you are as much a convenience to her as she has been to you. i think you might be condescending to her a bit too much.
i will commend you for waiting till her project is done. that's a nice gesture. i also advise guys to break up with their ladyfriends on a friday so they have the weekend to regroup before facing work on monday.
don't worry about leaving her feeling empowered. worry about getting out of her life as quickly as possible once you make the break. that means finding a new place to live (or at least crash) and never sleeping over there again once you break up. don't call or rehash later. at most, you might need to discuss when you're going to come over and get your stuff. (and if you like the apartment, tough cookies. you're the one leaving, so leave.) as a kindness, you might pay a month or two of rent in advance if she would be unable to maintain the place on her own, and split any fees associated with breaking the lease.
posted by thinkingwoman at 12:46 PM on April 29, 2008
i will commend you for waiting till her project is done. that's a nice gesture. i also advise guys to break up with their ladyfriends on a friday so they have the weekend to regroup before facing work on monday.
don't worry about leaving her feeling empowered. worry about getting out of her life as quickly as possible once you make the break. that means finding a new place to live (or at least crash) and never sleeping over there again once you break up. don't call or rehash later. at most, you might need to discuss when you're going to come over and get your stuff. (and if you like the apartment, tough cookies. you're the one leaving, so leave.) as a kindness, you might pay a month or two of rent in advance if she would be unable to maintain the place on her own, and split any fees associated with breaking the lease.
posted by thinkingwoman at 12:46 PM on April 29, 2008
You should have done this a long time ago, but I guess you know that. Yeah, just nthing that she's an adult and to treat her like an incompetent child will not empower her. Just give her the straight facts without being mean and make a clean break.
You guys spent a lot of time apart where you were hardly even a couple and she's shown she can live without you.
posted by fructose at 12:55 PM on April 29, 2008
You guys spent a lot of time apart where you were hardly even a couple and she's shown she can live without you.
posted by fructose at 12:55 PM on April 29, 2008
I do want to chime back in to reiterate what a couple of people have mentioned about being mindful regarding any immediate financial hardship your leaving may generate. In other words, it's not cool to leave in mid-May and expect her to immediately be in a financial position to take on rent/bills for June.
posted by scody at 1:12 PM on April 29, 2008
posted by scody at 1:12 PM on April 29, 2008
The most empowering thing you can do is make the break clean and quick---then she can take the opportunity to stand on her own two feet. Attempts to empower her will almost surely backfire. If she stood on her own when you were gone for a few months, she will do it again. She isn't the same person she was when you met her and you may be surprised by how well she fares without you.
posted by lacedback at 1:16 PM on April 29, 2008
posted by lacedback at 1:16 PM on April 29, 2008
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Yes, I do. You can keep in mind that she's not a total idiot, and can and will get on just fine without any help from you. Keep the breakup short and simple and then LEAVE HER ALONE. Give her space to build a life completely free from you. You could also be the one to move out.
I think that I should bring this up as a way to empower her during the breakup. I'll mention how this will be similar to the time I moved away, and look at how that turned out for her in the end.
No, you really shouldn't. She'll find out on her own. You saying so is condenscending.
posted by ThePinkSuperhero at 10:22 AM on April 29, 2008 [6 favorites]