Is Timing Actually Everything?

April 11, 2008 12:19 PM

Is timing really so important in dating and relationships?

Maybe I'm just too weary of an on-again/off-again relationship with a guy that just doesn't seem to go away, but lately, I've been wondering whether "If only we could just get the timing right!" is just wishful thinking. Is its importance just a concoction of the romantic comedy genre (think: Love, Actually, and Definitely Maybe), or do you really need good timing in order for a relationship with someone to succeed?

I mean: time and time again, we've all had to face that painful realization that if he or she really cared as much as we did, they would have moved hell and earth to make things happen. That is also the message of that whole market of books centered around He's Just Not That Into You. And personally, I know when I'm into someone, I do stubbornly pursue them, and some part of me expects others to do the same.

But I'll also be the first to admit that sometimes I'm too scared or hurt or just not ready to put myself back out there (though hell, I usually still do it anyway). I can't be the only person who has ever been in that situation...can I?

Do any of you look back at a relationship you ended with someone and think "If only the timing for me had been different?"


PS: I've seen the Second time's the charm thread already. There were a lot of inspiring success stories, but I'm looking for more of a focus on the importance of timing, rather than "Do these things ever work out?"

posted by anonymous to human relations (26 comments total)

Timing is often a convenient excuse, but I'm not always positive it is the real reason. If two people really want to be together, they will both put in effort to try to make it work. It's possible that after trying, one or both may feel like it's not worth the effort, but there has to be at least the initial good-faith attempt. Basically, I can only think of a handful of circumstances where timing is a true, for real, legitimate reason to end a relationship that both people are in to. If you find that someone is not returning the effort you have put into pursing them, It may very well not be an issue of timing at all, and you will have to ask ourself if it's really worth trying to chase after them.
posted by piratebowling at 12:33 PM on April 11, 2008

I think timing is important. And not just in the obvious sense of both partners to a relationship being free to come together. You often get a situation (I've been in them myself) where both sides are genuinely attracted to each other, but they are both at different 'stages', to put it very crudely. Perhaps, beyond the immediate tug of sex etc, they want at that time different things in life - one to pursue a career, the other to settle down and have a family, for example. Perhaps, despite the mutual sympathy, one wants a partner who is more grown-up and mature, or else younger and friskier. But timing or no timing, you usually only get one bite at the cherry: if it doesn't work out between two people, there's rarely a second chance later on.
posted by londongeezer at 12:35 PM on April 11, 2008

Sure timing is important, although I think of it more as a long-term thing. My wife and I have both remarked how it's a good thing we hadn't met when we were younger, because we wouldn't have been able to stand each other.

And then there's the classic This American Life episode, This Thing Called Love, which talks in part about this issue.

I can think of one relationship I probably wouldn't have gotten into in the first place except for the particular circumstances she and I were in.
posted by adamrice at 12:39 PM on April 11, 2008

absolutely it is. i've been in a long string of relationships, and there's no doubt that each of them reflected where i was when they started. and there was one man who was there, ready and willing and really damned perfect, while i spent my time on a loser boyfriend. anyone with sense would have dumped the man she was with. but i was always a committed sort.

i have now "settled down" with a man i deem perfect-for-me. but that man who i left in the wings would have been a different version of the one i'm with now. i don't regret things, really. but i often wonder how things would have been different if i'd been in a different place.

IOW, we clearly met too early on.
posted by RedEmma at 12:49 PM on April 11, 2008

Do any of you look back at a relationship you ended with someone and think "If only the timing for me had been different?"

No. I ended the relationships for very solid reasons. The timing wouldn't have made any difference. I didn't want to date an alcoholic then and I still don't (for example). If I'm not in a headspace where I can commit to a relationship, then I don't go looking for one.
posted by desjardins at 1:02 PM on April 11, 2008

Timing is often a convenient excuse, but I'm not always positive it is the real reason. If two people really want to be together, they will both put in effort to try to make it work.

piratebowling: i think you've actually just made the argument here for the fact that timing is important. in order for both people to really feel they want to be together and make the effort for it to work, they both have to be in the same place emotionally—and that is an issue of timing.

i've always held that timing is everything. i don't subscribe to the idea of one soulmate but if that's true, then timing is crucial in finding that person. instead, i believe that that there are a number of ppl in life with whom we could successfully spend our lives, but who we ultimately end up with comes down to timing. (well, timing and chemistry. but timing is a crucial part of that equation.) and that could mean everything from external factors: where you're at on your career path, in your environment/where you live, goals in the short-term, etc to internal, emotional factors: whether you are both in the same place mentally and emotionally to commit to someone.

so to me, it's two-fold: you have to meet someone with whom you have chemistry but also, you both have to sort of hit on the same spot at roughly the same time for the magic to work. as i've said before, meeting the right person is a complete crap-shoot.
posted by violetk at 1:03 PM on April 11, 2008 [2 favorites has favorites]

Yes.
posted by lunit at 1:06 PM on April 11, 2008 [1 favorite has favorites]

I mean: time and time again, we've all had to face that painful realization that if he or she really cared as much as we did, they would have moved hell and earth to make things happen.

Gah, this nugget of "wisdom" is bad and hurts people. The fact of the matter is that some people will prioritize a relationship with someone they really like above anything else, and some people will not prioritize a relationship with someone they like above anything else.

I'm so much more likely to believe in timing than in the idea that if someone cares, they'll do anything to be with me.
posted by 23skidoo at 1:13 PM on April 11, 2008 [7 favorites has favorites]

I think this is one of those things where absolutist thinking can really make you crazy. In some situations, timing is everything -- in others, it's just not right but the timing being wrong seems like the right excuse -- maybe it's both at one time.

I think you're better off remembering that "we were great for eachother but the timing is just wrong" is as much of a dealbreaker as "we were great for eachother but this one irreconcilable difference/non-traversable barrier/unavoidable circumstance just means it will never work."

The danger in saying "well, the timing was just wrong" is that it enables you to hang on to something, to continue holding out hope, which prevents you from moving on and finding real happiness. You don't need to hang on to a shred to be ready if and when the time comes. I think chalking it up to bad timing can be a form of magical thinking - a way of trying to rationalize hoping that later on, down the road, something will work out, which is really not that different than saying "well, maybe [[dealbreaking personality trait or what have you]] will go away, and I will just hang on, waiting, for that to happen."

I have talked myself in circles. I guess what I'm trying to say is that if you're wondering if "the timing was not right" is an excuse for a larger problem in the relationship, or is irrefutable proof that the relationship would probably not have worked even if the timing was right, I think the answer is - you can not ever really know, and you will likely make yourself bonkers trying to guess, as understandable as it is to wonder.
posted by pazazygeek at 1:31 PM on April 11, 2008 [8 favorites has favorites]

Timing won't stop anything that is meant to be. A good relationship is consistent with achieving any outside goal or priority -- indeed, there's no job or goal which doesn't become easier to achieve with the support of a partner. (Have you ever wondered why it's so common for people to get married just before going off to war or starting medical school?)

However, there's nothing to drag you down from achieving an important goal like a bad, or just uninspiring, relationship. The problems in a relationship that you don't notice or tolerate when the rest of your life is mellow, suddenly (and naturally) become intolerable when life gets urgent. Timing, in this sense, is actually a blessing, getting you out from something that wasn't really working, anyway.
posted by MattD at 1:37 PM on April 11, 2008

I think that timing was a big part of why my previous girlfriend broke up with me; I think that good timing was a reasonable part of why my current girlfriend and I found each other.

But it's somewhat like asking if chance plays a significant part in who we end up partnered with, to which the answer is yes, of course. There are many people who are reasonably equal in date-ability metrics, and the selection from within that pool is largely due to a random confluence of factors, including timing.
posted by klangklangston at 1:52 PM on April 11, 2008

"Timing" is a catch-all phrase for where your life was, is, and will go, and where your partner's life was, is, and will go. It's also an impersonal way to talk around the fact that people may want - or not want - certain things. It's more than just what's happening this precise second. It may be a more gentle way to think about how a relationship isn't working out, but to go deeper may reveal something going on with your trajectory. I can't speak to your specific situation, but I do know that certain relationships of mine would have been completely different (or nonexistent!) if I'd been wiser, more ready, in a different situation or whatever. I don't think of it as purely timing, as if time itself had been working against me, or as if, had I only enough time, or had I better luck, that I could do just about anything. My life has simply worked out in other ways, and I (and other people) haven't necessarily wanted to avoid some relationships or continue others.
posted by Sticherbeast at 1:56 PM on April 11, 2008 [1 favorite has favorites]

violetk, I can see where you are going with that. BUT, at the same time, some people will simply never be fully there. They are the type of people that would use the timing excuse because it can be very vague and is impossible to refute.

Looking back at my answer, I think I downplayed the importance of timing. When I started I was going to originally say, "YES! Timing is the reason 90% of my past relationships have failed or failed to develop fully." but as I was typing that, I realized how I or the other person involved had used "timing" as a crutch. It's ephemeral, it's often hard to pinpoint, and it can easily be used to mask the fact that one person just isn't feeling it, while letting the other person down easily OR leave them hanging on. I tried to bring both points in, (That both people need to be in a similar place emotionally and in terms of availability, but that real effort needs to be put forth as well) but I see I landed way, way too hard on the "timing doesn't matter" end of the spectrum with the answer. Oh well.
posted by piratebowling at 1:56 PM on April 11, 2008

25 years ago I threw a big party at my parent's house with two of my sisters. We invited all our friends. I told a number of people at work that I expected to meet my future wife at this party. And I did. So yes, I would say that timing is everything. :-)
posted by thomas144 at 2:04 PM on April 11, 2008

Timing won't stop anything that is meant to be.

but this is only relevant if you buy into fatalism. personally, i cringe whenever someone throws out the whole "meant to be" epithet.

also, i want to clarify that i don't refer to the term "timing" here in purely the chronological/temporal sense. to me, if someone uses "timing" as an excuse, as some posters have brought up, that is just as valid an example of the fact that the timing wasn't right for at least one of the people involved.
posted by violetk at 2:12 PM on April 11, 2008

Yes, timing really is that important. It's also a good way of making yourself feel better when you are torn from that perfect someone and you wondered what went wrong.
posted by Happydaz at 2:36 PM on April 11, 2008

Absolutely. Like I wrote in another thread today, if Mrs. Silvertree wasn't smarter then me, I wouldn't have the most wonderful wife in the world today. Because I thought I needed to be "exploring my options because the timing wasn't right for me to have a serious relationship" or some other such nonsense. I don't know where I would be if she hadn't decided to stick around while I worked out my timing issues.
posted by Silvertree at 2:51 PM on April 11, 2008 [1 favorite has favorites]

I met a guy who's interest in me was badly timed due to a pile-up of bad relationships on my part. Ten years later, we got married to one another and its awesome and amazing.

Timing's just one factor. Make everything else work for you and timing isn't as bad a hurdle as all that.
posted by Gucky at 3:08 PM on April 11, 2008

My wife and I have both remarked how it's a good thing we hadn't met when we were younger, because we wouldn't have been able to stand each other.

Oh yeah. I met my husband when I was 18 and we pretty actively disliked one another. Thought he was cute, he thought I was cute, but our personalities clashed like crazy.

Almost ten years later we ran into one another and it was lightning bolt city, and we've been married for seven years now. Wait, six. Five? No, six. Whatever.

Timing has some importance.
posted by padraigin at 3:37 PM on April 11, 2008

do you really need good timing in order for a relationship with someone to succeed?

Depends how you define timing. It's a very vague and nonspecific term. Timing can refer to what else is going on in your life, where you are emotionally, how mature you are, whether one of you is currently already in a relationship, effects of previous life choices that you can't get out of to focus on a relationship, and even whether you ever meet the person in the first place.

Timing is everything, but this is true of everything, not just relationships. How much of your life now is due to things that happened because you were in the right place at the right time? If you have ever narrowly escaped a terrible car wreck by a fraction of a second, that's timing.

So yes, you need good timing to form a relationship with someone. You need to be in the right place at the right time to meet each other, to meet the friend who introduces you, to be next to them in line at the grocery store, to have your flight canceled and start talking to each other in line. You need to meet when one of you isn't being arrested, going to Iraq, or moving to the other side of the world the next day. You need to meet when one of you isn't in the last few days of their life, unless you want a very short relationship, or too young to begin a relationship.

If you are in a relationship already and focusing on timing, your focus is probably in the wrong place. If there's some issue that affects timing in a specific way, focus on that and decide if it's a dealbreaker, and either go your separate ways or work on that issue, whether that's waiting until they get out of jail or demonstrating that you trust your partner.
posted by yohko at 4:02 PM on April 11, 2008

answer from someone who would prefer to remain anonymous

I dated someone in college and we ended things when she wanted to get married and I did not. She eventually did marry someone else. Several years later we ran into each other, and she had gotten divorced, but I had gotten married in the meantime.

We talked and found out some things about each other that we hadn't known, and looking back I likely would have been happy married to her had I been of the marrying type back then. We kept in touch for a while, but I'm not the kind of person to have an affair, much less leave my wife (we're very happily married, thanks!) so let that fall by the wayside.

Eventually she called me to say she'd gotten married to someone else, which happened to coincide with some marital problems my wife and I were having, and so the whole issue of timing really came to the forefront. If my marriage had ended at that time, we would have a total of three timing events: first, she wanted to be married when I didn't, second, she got divorced after I married, and third, I would have gotten divorced right after she married again.

So yes, timing matters. But so does living your life and getting on with it, and waiting for timing to sync up virtually guarantees you'll never get what you want. Better to live your life in real time.

posted by jessamyn at 5:15 PM on April 11, 2008 [5 favorites has favorites]

do you really need good timing in order for a relationship with someone to succeed?

No, but it helps. Ultimately, you just need two people willing to take the step of having a relationship.
posted by Brandon Blatcher at 7:23 PM on April 11, 2008

Timing can make things interesting. My now-husband and I put off dating each other for 6 weeks until we were both single. Another guy who I had a yen for at the time - well, I thought I'd see where the current thing went, then look him up in a couple years when it was legal - is now a good friend, and we possibly could have done alright as a couple - but I'm happily married.

That's the roll of the dice.

Other friends (who are still friends) have said (post-wedding) that they were just waiting for me to be single again, and datable.

Such is life. I'm sure they will find partners suitable for them, but occasionally, when it comes up, I wonder what might have been, had things fallen out otherwise.
posted by ysabet at 9:00 PM on April 11, 2008

Someone once told me there are two types of people who get married, those that met the right person and those that the person came into their lives at the right time. Neither is bad, but some people will move heaven and earth to be with the person they love and others look at their life as a whole and decide whether this is the right relationship for them right now. I know a lot of people who talk about the "one who got away" and I know a lot of people that have been madly in love with people but circumstances destroyed everything. It's a balance ultimately.
posted by whoaali at 1:57 PM on April 12, 2008 [1 favorite has favorites]

as yohko already addressed, I think the problem here is what we mean by "timing". Who you are changes over time, so does "who you are" matter to the relationship? well, obviously. If you meet at a time in your life when you're not compatible, then insofar as you want to call that timing, it matters a great deal.

Of course, "who you are" is an insanely complicated series of particularities, which include your priorities and expectations for the future, and so forth. So if you meet at a time when you are seriously focused on your career and deeply hurt from a previous relationship, you may honestly not be able to see the way in which a new relationship could be a good thing, and just not open up to the person available to you. I think it's naively romantic to think that "the right person" will just magically unlock your heart by some special power they have. A relationship takes two people. It matters who you are as much as it matters who they are. In this sense, timing makes all the difference. You have to be "the right person", too.
posted by mdn at 12:05 PM on April 13, 2008

I would like to believe that timing is everything as my boyfriend recently broke up with me because the "timing is not right for us". All these comments have helped me with what Im facing: was it just an excuse becasue he doesnt want a future with me and didnt have the guts to tell me so or is it a legitimate reason? When I really think about it, I think that he did/does love me but wasnt able or ready to put in the time and effort it takes to be in a commited relationship. Still hurts though.
posted by CharlotteSarah at 5:57 PM on August 21, 2008