Fight fight fight.

March 28, 2008 3:54 PM

Help my girlfriend and me end this stupid and (I suspect) fairly common dynamic of arguing.

It's pretty straightforward. I have something of a quick temper and she tends towards defensiveness. Thus: we disagree about something, I get too angry too quickly, and this causes her to "shut down" to any points I'm trying to make, however valid. This, of course, makes me angrier, and so the fight escalates cyclically, each of us feeding the bad behavior of the other. And duh, it's only happening more frequently since we moved in together.

I unhappily suspect that I'll always have something of a short fuse. Her defense mechanisms often cause her to use hyperbole, misdirection and other such "dirty argument tricks" which, again, only frustrate me further. In all honestly, I'm happy to keep chiseling away at my little mountain of anger and I look forward to learning how to better manage it. But trying to rewire such deep-seated personality trait will be much more rewarding if I know that she's trying to help by trying not to do some of the stuff that I find so frustrating. So then, I'm looking for advice for either/both of us.

I should add that we haven't tried the "just walk away" maneuver. Part of me suspects that we'd just pick up where we left off when we walk back in, but I'm open to consideration if you folks have had good experiences with it.

Okay, so what are some things I can do to control my angry outbursts, and what are some things she can do to control her tendency to shut down in the face of them?

posted by anonymous to human relations (32 comments total)

Well, it's good that you're aware of the problem. When you realize you're losing your temper or she's shutting down, why don't you mention it? Okay, I just lost it there, sorry. I think you're exaggerating a bit and this isn't so much about [fight topic] as us being riled up. This shouldn't be at all accusatory, don't start arguing about who's habits are more annoying. Then pause a bit to think about why you're upset, and realize that you don't have to act on that.

I can have quite a temper with certain people, usually those who know me best, and stopping to acknowledge that the discourse has gone astray helps a lot if you catch it in time (not that it's ever too late).

This is kind of troubling: much more rewarding if I know that she's trying to help by trying not to do some of the stuff that I find so frustrating.

It's not a game, and while this may sound very Mr. Rogers, no one "wins" arguments. You should work on your anger because you care about her and yourself, not as part of an exchange for her to do some self improvement.
posted by phrontist at 4:09 PM on March 28, 2008 [1 favorite]

Laugh. It may not help her feelings about the whole thing, but it is difficult to be angry when you're laughing at someone overtly trying to provoke you. Hyperbole happens. Personal attacks and that sort of thing shouldn't happen within the confines of a relationship: if she doesn't want to argue about the substance of something and wants to misdirect the conversation, just tell her flat out that you won't talk to her about it until you're calm enough to and she's prepared to do it honestly and not just try to win the argument for the sake of winning it.
posted by Inspector.Gadget at 4:10 PM on March 28, 2008

I think the "just walk away" maneuver will help a lot, especially with a short temper. I used to have a much shorter fuse and now am much more relaxed, and a lot of it came from introspection. Sometimes when you're angry, walk away and think about the emotion. A lot of times what you're really feeling is stress, anxiety, hurt, love, hunger, vulnerability, etc, etc. Some people just turn those emotions into an outer expression of anger, because anger gets the most attention from other people, good or bad.

As for your girlfriend, you need to not just tolerate it when she uses hyperbole and misdirection. You have to stay calm and say things like, "You know that's not true" (or something. You just can't buy into that stuff. She's obviously saying things she doesn't mean). The problem is that you're both getting caught up in the heat of the moment. The "just walk away" maneuver prevents this because it gives you the space you need to evaluate what's really going on.
posted by sweetkid at 4:11 PM on March 28, 2008

Pins and needles,
needles and pins,
a happy man
is a man that grins.

--Ralph Cramden
posted by JohnnyGunn at 4:13 PM on March 28, 2008

This was the dynamic with me and my ex once and we had a sort of meta-deal where whichever one of us started noticing this dynamic, we'd make some sort of gesture that was obviously outside of our normal gesturing to indicate "oh no, this is happening again" and then it would basically be a signal that however seriously we were feeling about the topic at hand, we had to walk away and do it over at another time.

Sometime when you're not fighting or recovering from a fight, you shoudl sit down and see if you can work something like this out. Of course, the down side is that often there's one member of the couple who will do this (recognize things are going downhill and attempt to rectify it) and another who will be like "No this is IMPORTANT" and sort of refuse, so it's sort of important to try to make this something that you both agree on, not one person forcing the other into something that doesn't work for them.

I grew up in a house of agngry scary people and I really tried hard to not shut down when someone was mad at me in a relationship but I had a pretty hard time doing it and it was an awful lot of work. Not "fighting back" when someone was angry was easier. I would probably not agree to be in a relationship with someone for whom angry outbursts were something that just needed to be tolerated. Note: there's a real difference between saying "I accept that these outbursts happen occasionally, but they're outside the way we feel that we should treat each other." and "These outbursts are part of how I operate and oyu need to learn to live with them."

In relationships, I think if the two of you can at least both agree on what you think is Never Okay, Rarely Okay, Standard and Good ways of treating each other, you can work together to try to work on these behaviors.

trying to rewire such deep-seated personality trait will be much more rewarding if I know that she's trying to help by trying not to do some of the stuff that I find so frustrating.

This is really the hardest part, I know. I think for change to happen, one of you -- and with luck it can be a back and forth thing but realistically one of you will probably take the lead -- will have to step back even when they feel that they're right or behaving better than the other one and say "this has to stop here, we're hurting each other and our relationship" and stop the escalation. This is why a talk when you're not angry, to establish what those thigns are you're working on, is so important.
posted by jessamyn at 4:21 PM on March 28, 2008 [3 favorites]

Pick one of the self-help books from John Gottman about communication in marriage. You aren't "married," but you're facing the same issues.

I'd really try not to escalate the situation. If your temper makes you contemptuous or dismissive (and it may not), then your girlfriend is going to look at the argument as a personal attack rather than a means of resolving some issue. Her "dirty argument tricks" may simply be because she doesn't care as much about the putative issue of the argument as she does about what she sees as a personal attack.

I've struggled with anger myself, and what I try to do in that moment is 1) remember that I only get angry when I think that I've been belittled myself, 2) think about what good I'll actually get if I "win" (usually minimal), and 3) remember how ridiculous I'll feel a day later if I blow my top now.

Last piece of advice: I'd really resist giving your girlfriend advice about how she should argue. Fix your own problems first. If you insist that your anger can't be changed, expect that she'll insist she can't change either.
posted by ferdydurke at 4:23 PM on March 28, 2008 [3 favorites]

Have a talk with her about your mutual argumentation issues when you're not arguing, and propose that if either of you catches the other doing "that thing," to just give a "you're doing that thing again" raised-eyebrow signal. When you get that signal, you agree to shut up for a few seconds.

A few seconds should be all it really takes to realize "oh yeah, I am doing it again." Breathe, apologize, and move on.

The other thing to remember is that frequently when tempers rise in a discussion, it's because there's some unrelated and unstated complaint that's been gnawing at one of you. Picking up on the signals that identify that is important in any relationship, and only comes with time, but that's another thing where talking a lot helps. If you can just say "it bugs me when you leave dishes in the sink," you can deal with that problem rather than build up resentment so that when something unrelated triggers an argument, the dishes feed into it too.
posted by adamrice at 4:24 PM on March 28, 2008

I agree with a lot of the other advice (discuss it when you are NOT arguing, have a signal or walk away when things get intense so you can settle down), but I DON'T agree with the laugh or grin advice. To someone who is already defensive, as your girlfriend is, it may seem as if you are laughing at her and stir her up further.
posted by misha at 4:30 PM on March 28, 2008

This is exactly the same dynamic my husband and I have, and it's really, really difficult to break the ingrained behavior, especially when you feel like the wounded party, so I feel for you. I agree with what jessamyn says above. You know when the argument is going "there again", so as soon as you recognize it, stop and have a time-out. Come back in an hour or so when you've both had time to think. From my perspective, I can't think at all when the yelling starts, and the time apart is just what I need to sort out my thoughts. Good luck!
posted by Koko at 4:34 PM on March 28, 2008

You're in a cycle, which is perpetuated when you each behave a certain way. It bears mentioning that deviating from your reactions in almost any way would be an improvement, because it would be a change, and would probably yield a different result. There are plenty of options for you.

First things first: when you're not fighting, have a conversation about your fighting tactics. You're already acknowledging responsibility for some things you personally do to make it worse. If you can each see the problems and admit to your part in it, then there's hope for breaking the cycle permanently.

Basically, you want to set some ground rules in the spirit of encouraging constructive conversation instead of infuriating argument. So figure out what you each do that triggers the other's negative response (this shouldn't be hard to pinpoint with some frank conversation), and agree to help each other to stop doing those things.That's the most important part. Of course, changing your behavior is hard, and it's impossible if you don't want to change it. But working together and working on both of you at once makes it easier.

Once you've had the tough conversations of "it makes me angry when you do x", and you've each agreed to stop doing x, the next step is to allow yourselves to call foul in the middle of an argument. That's as simple as it sounds, and the premise is that you can only change your behavior once you learn to recognize when you're doing it.

Say you're fighting about money, for example, and she misdirects. You (calmly) say, "wait a minute, you just did that misdirection thing again." You both stop and back up a step, and you give her a chance to respond or rephrase in a way that doesn't involve misdirection. You trust that the use of the forbidden tactic was inadvertent, so there is no penalty for having done it, other than having to rephrase or take it back and apologize.

It can be quite startling to learn that you do some of this stuff subconsciously.

You may each want to take it slowly, and prioritize which tactics bother you the most so that nobody's overwhelmed with the amount of change that's expected of them all at once. Be sympathetic when you know your partner is trying. This is tough stuff. And remember to be nice, and be patient. You love each other.
posted by nadise at 4:39 PM on March 28, 2008 [1 favorite]

This is not to put any undue pressure on you, as it is obviously a two-person problem. But in dynamics like this, it's amazing how one person getting stuff together can pretty well fix the entire dynamic. I have something of a pushy personality when I argue, and my wife tends to do much of the things that your girlfriend does. These things do not compliment each other, and much of our early relationship was me pushing her to respond, and her withdrawing.

One thing that revolutionized it for me was realizing I was pretty much responsible for myself, and I needed to focus on fixing myself as my primary responsibility, not fixing her, or demanding a particular course of action from her. As I worked on fixing myself, the dynamic changed dramatically, as it created an environment in which she didn't feel threatened and that she needed to withdraw. And I didn't feel the need to be pushy to get an honest response.

Now, this isn't a doormat mentality, where one person has to sit an agree to just "take" it. It's a matter of realizing that I'm responsible for myself, and she's responsible for herself. And it's about me trying my best to do the right thing, even if it feels, in every fiber of my being, that she isn't. We can't fix each other. But when just one person is willing to step up and do the work needed, for some weird reason that facilitates an amazing change of events. Being able to give up the feeling that I'm "baited" into arguing is a very freeing thing as well, so there is some selfish benefit to it that you don't see initially. Of course, that's the hard part. But for me, it facilitated a course of events that was worth me putting all my eggs in that basket.

A key to this whole thing is realizing that I loved my wife more than I loved being right. When I was able to internalize this, I realized I could (and needed to) give up the feeling that I had something to protect. Even if I was feeling wronged, I realized that I had to learn to let it go, for the sake of the relationship. Discussions shouldn't (always) be about being right, but about intimacy in relationship. I can't tell you how to do this, as it's the hard part; but I can tell you that it's worth doing, even if you don't know if she's willing to come along for the ride. I think you'll find, though, that if you do, she'll be in a position where she's a lot more willing to be introspective regarding her own issues.

Anyway, just a few thoughts from my experiences. Maybe a few ideas in there that would be helpful.
posted by SpacemanStix at 4:42 PM on March 28, 2008 [10 favorites]

I can shut down in the middle of arguments too, especially if I feel unable to defend myself (from either anger/yelling or quick and skillful logic; I suck at logic) or if I need a few moments to figure out how I feel about what's going on. What might help her is if you give her opportunities to reply. Take a moment to ask her, calmly, "How do you feel about this?" or "What do you think should be done here?" or some other question that will prompt her (and you) to analyze why you both are angry. Not only are you giving her room to talk, you're changing it from an unproductive yelling-at-each-other argument to a productive discussion.
posted by Metroid Baby at 4:42 PM on March 28, 2008

Sometimes I find the following strategy(s) useful. I don't always remember to use it/them, but we're getting better at it.

Things are getting heated, and one person stops arguing long enough to really really listen to what the other person is saying, and then to paraphrase it back to see if they understand it. You give up your power in the argument, but at the point, when one person feels really listened to and understood, then they can say, "yes, I see that you understand, what's your POV?"

Also, sometimes, when we get lost in the mechanics of arguing, and analysing, he said, she said (you said, I said), we change tack and go, what's the goal, what's the actual point of this discussion? It's not about my anxiety, it's not about your feelings of inferiority, what we really set out to do was to negotiate a parenting strategy. So back to the beginning, the issue is, the kid doesn't contribute enough, and we're both agreed on that. We want him to contribute more and neither of us are looking forward to a tantrum. Yep, we're agreed on that. Do we need to spend some time alone thinking of strategies on how to deal with this, or do you have an idea now that you'd like to put forward?

So, stop and really really listen, without composing your reply or thinking about how it affects you (goes for both of you).
Or.
Re-examine why the argument came up and ask what outcome will satisfy both of you.
posted by b33j at 5:04 PM on March 28, 2008 [3 favorites]

There is some very good advice above, to which I would like to add one small, simple thing. You write:

"this causes her to "shut down" to any points I'm trying to make, however valid"

Perhaps if you changed your mindset from one of trying to "mak[e] points" to one of trying to resolve differences, it would be of benefit to both of you in these situations. You aren't adversaries. You're on the same team. You are the team. Remember that.
posted by dersins at 5:19 PM on March 28, 2008 [2 favorites]

Kind of to follow up on my comment above (and on b33j's and dersins' comments, both of which I agree with): you should avoid getting into arguments without an objective or possible solution. Arguing about how to split up the bills is one thing, but if you're just lashing out at each other because you've lost your tempers, try and figure out a way to let out your frustration without taking it out on each other, e.g. going into another room and yelling for ten seconds.
posted by Metroid Baby at 5:29 PM on March 28, 2008

I found out that I use the word "You" too often when I'm arguing. In my mind, I think I'm being the rational, logical one, and when she would get defensive and quietly start seething, I would start on this "Why are you so upset? I can treat this logically and I want to find the solution as much as anyone, but your anger is clouding the issue." But the problem here was not that she had irrational anger towards me and didn't want to resolve anything. She was defensive because all the "you"s I was using made it seem like I was taking the victim stance, and that I was trying to avoid understanding her side from the get go. Meanwhile, in my brain, I really thought I was trying to understand her. But I wasn't. I was trying to force my understanding on her, and she was pissed that I would do that and it was like an anger derail, which made me angry because I had no idea what the hell we were fighting about anymore.

They don't call it a cycle for nothing.

So yes, as Jessamyn says, when you recognize it, short circuit the thing. We laughed a lot when we saw "Meet the Fockers" because of the "muskrat" keyword that told Deniro that he was about to blow a fuse, and thought that might be something we could try. We made up a codeword for ourselves with the understanding that when that word came out, we'd stop arguing and take a timeout, just so we could refocus on what was going on and see if we couldn't avoid some additional angry-time.

We haven't had a chance to use it yet because that kind of fight hasn't happened for a while. So while I can't say it will work when we whip out the codeword, I think just talking it out, realizing what was going on, and even planning how to defuse the situation was a pretty significant in its own way.
posted by krippledkonscious at 5:32 PM on March 28, 2008

Can you be more specific about what you mean by "angry outbursts"? That might help. If you feel comfortable emailing me, I'll post it.

Like jessamyn, I'm one of those people who had something of an angry scary family member, and I got through it all by keeping my head down and going unnoticed until the scary mood was gone from the house. So, forever, one of my coping strategies in the face of anger was as much silence as possible. The only way I learned to be able to think and express myself clearly was to be in a relationship with a very angry guy for four years. He was way scarier than my family member, so I can now calmly speak to that person through whatever they can throw at me. I tell you this to show how much it took for me to change that aspect of myself, four years; I essentially got a college degree in "dealing with an angry person."

Gottman (mentioned above) says a lot of people can't deal well at all once their stress levels get too high, so for me, with people who do seem to get over the top easily (now that I can handle nearly anything) it has worked better to try to help keep them in their comfort zone (take a breather, make a joke). I'd consider her tolerance perhaps something not changeable in the short run and instead just be aware of it. A friend and I once realized we were both paralyzed from post-fight fright and anger, even though we'd resolved the actual issue, so we decided to shake it off by dancing to silly music (neither of us felt like it, but movement is a great way to shake off emotions).

For her, I'd suggest she could start small and practice assertively communicating just enough to get some space for herself when things get out of her comfort zone. "When you talk that way [speak at that volume, call me names, whatever], I cannot think or talk clearly. Why don't we take a break and try again later?"

I agree that you're focusing on the wrong thing by saying "here's a problem and I'll fix what I'm doing wrong if you fix what you're doing wrong." It makes the situation zero-sum (win-lose). "I'll have my desire to communicate thwarted sometimes if you remain in a situation that's totally painful for you other times." Ick. Instead, focus on things that will work for both of you, but don't make either of you especially uncomfortable.

This is going to be harder for you, because the feeling of being angry is really uncomfortable. And when you're angry, it feels like you'll feel better if you can lash out at someone or get back at them for making you feel that way or whatever. Of course, first of all, it's not really true, it doesn't really help you, and second, it can do a lot of harm to speak from anger (the top story here has always stuck with me). You might read the book Anger by Thich Nhat Hanh. There are a lot of good online resources about anger (googling anger and buddhism is how I found ones I liked once). Since the root of a lot of anger is unmet expectations (they should / shouldn't do that!), realizing that no one owes you anything, and you're lucky for every little thing you get, is one place I've started when I've been upset.

It might help you to read "Crucial Conversations." Its target audience is the person initiating the conversation. In fact, there are a lot of books about how to prepare for a conversation by focusing on what you really want out of the conversation, and on how you can facilitate a dialogue towards that end more (vs. less) clearly with your listener. Most goals you probably have are probably not facilitated by speaking from anger, so if you can stay focused on your actual goal, it might help you think about how you want to talk about what's bothering you.
posted by salvia at 5:32 PM on March 28, 2008

Find what it is you're really arguing about. In my last relationship we got into a very similar pattern; it took a very long time for either of us to understand what we were really upset about (of course it wasn't the little things we were using as the meat of our arguments).

In my case, it was that I didn't have enough commitment from him, and in his, it was that he didn't want a relationship with the level of commitment we had (hence last relationship, there wasn't a way to fix it). But once we knew what the issues were, the bickery fights did stop.

On the temper: I'm the one with the temper in my relationships; even someone who isn't naturally defensive will get that way after long exposure to a volatile temper.

Control suggestion: watch your triggers (for me it's being hungry, for you it might be tired, bad day at work, etc) and take a step back *before* you get angry, to solve your trigger when it occurs. I'd also suggest you switch birth control, but if you're a guy that probably won't help. Figure out what will, change it, and show her the evidence that you're working on it. You're doing it for you, really... whether it saves this relationship or not, learning to tame your temper is worthwhile. So it doesn't matter whether she works on being defensive, because you get a prize (more controllable temper) anyhow.

(Walking away is ok, I think, but careful because she may stay very angry and not show it to you. Part of her defense mechanism might be to hide it. This happened once to me with my ex and I was very unhappy that he'd been pissed for days and I was unaware.)
posted by nat at 5:40 PM on March 28, 2008

She's not here asking for help. You are are and I'll focus on the behaviors that you can change. Your desire to rewire her personality isn't going to work. Focus on what you can change in yourself and see if that fixes the problem.

Start by recognizing what you are doing. You are bullying her. Does that sound like the man you want to be? Probably not. I'm not moved by your "I'll always have a short fuse" defense. Learn some self control.
posted by 26.2 at 5:49 PM on March 28, 2008 [3 favorites]

Dude, try anger management. I accidentally registered for a seminar in anger management where I work (it was similar in title to working with angry people) but it was so interesting I stayed and made friends with the rage-o-holics. I have a famously long fuse, but I think I learned as much as the others.

Like your girlfriend, I shut down when someone is angry at me. My partner doesn't. On the plus side, he never holds a grudge. And oddly, while I hate displays of anger, I only trust people who are more direct than I am.

Believe it or not, you're probably attracted to each other because you are different. But you need to learn a system that helps each of you grow and feel secure in the relationship. If you hate the classes, ditch them and read books, but my hunch (not knowing either of you) is that you would benefit by exploring managing your anger, and your girlfriend would benefit learning to express hers in some kind of assertiveness training.

I hope this doesn't seem trite. Good luck!
posted by gesamtkunstwerk at 6:38 PM on March 28, 2008

You sound like someone who always has to "be right". In the words of Dr. Phil, do you want to be right, or do you want to be happy? You pick. Sometimes you don't get both.
posted by tamitang at 6:55 PM on March 28, 2008

When you get up a head of angry steam, don't just metaphorically walk away and come back later: literally walk away and come back later. Seriously. Whenever you catch yourself on the point of shouting at your beloved, just say "I have to go for a walk now" instead, and just go.

I don't know any better cure, for anger I don't want and can't use, than a good hard hour-long walk.

And you need to let go entirely of fixing her half of this dynamic. That's her job. You just work on your issues. Give her a heads-up before your next fight, though, so she knows to expect that you'll be trying this.
posted by flabdablet at 7:00 PM on March 28, 2008

By the way: feeling anger is probably not something you can change or control, at least in the short to medium term. So, don't beat yourself up for feeling angry. But what you can and should do is find ways to respond to that feeling that don't involve attacking the one you love.
posted by flabdablet at 7:02 PM on March 28, 2008 [3 favorites]

If you're not able to be reasonably patient with your girlfriend, it's because you're not OK. You need to figure out what is putting you in an irritable mood, whether it's hunger, tiredness or something else. Then you need to learn to recognize it when it starts to happen, and take steps to remedy the situation.

For me, about the worst thing is salty food, especially if I haven't been drinking enough. In my case, a glass of water or two when I find a bad mood coming on can keep the crabbiness at bay. Hunger-driven moodiness can be controlled by carrying an emergency snack at all times, and recognizing when you need to use it.

Cultivating a generally more laid back attitude to life could potentially help you a lot as well. Learn how to laugh at your mistakes (and other people's). Maybe letting go a bit is going to lead to the occasional ruined dinner or missed train, but your girlfriend will feel a whole lot more comfortable around you, and that's priceless.

In terms of what she can do, she can probably help identify your triggers and the steps that help you manage them. Perhaps she can also give you some encouraging feedback for the times when things go wrong but you don't let it get to you. Once you've got angry though, I doubt there is a whole lot she can do.
posted by tomcooke at 3:05 AM on March 29, 2008

My wife and I struggle with a similar dynamic, with the roles reversed - she becomes a pit bull when she's scared, and I either shut down or become calculating and cold. I agree with the advice above that suggests you listen closely to each other, because the things that really matter in these fights tend to be buried a few layers down. Listening, reflecting back and listening some more, without challenging what's being said, can be very scary at first, but it can also shine a light on behaviors and feelings that otherwise don't seem to make sense.

It might help to realize that your short fuse is just as much a defense mechanism as is her tendency to shut down. Neither of these mechanisms works very well in an intimate relationship, but giving them up is a big challenge. Far and away the best thing I've read on the topic is Getting the Love You Want by Harville Hendrix. The last third of the book is a set of exercises meant to help you and your partner work through this, over the course of a few months. It's also worth poking around this site, which covers much of the same ground in less detail.
posted by jon1270 at 5:00 AM on March 29, 2008

My wife and I share something of the same dynamic as your girlfriend. I came from an in-your-face confrontational family; she from a let's-just-not-talk-about-it-and-avoid-the-whole-thing family. I have found that the thing that most helps to disarm her is her seeing, over the course of time, that I'm taking care of my own crap--leaning to be patient, empathetic, and honest, instead of trying to fix her. But it is a struggle to become more patient, I'll admit that; however, in my struggle I've learned that patience is the reward of patience--it's like a muscle: the more you work it and put it under strain, the stronger it grows. And ancient wisdom holds that things like fasting help the process. I can attest that giving into my anger only increases it.
posted by keith0718 at 5:21 AM on March 29, 2008

Funny, my boyfriend and I have the same dynamic, but reversed. We've actually worked on this quite a bit (we're both in intense professional schools right now, and we tend to get stressed and grumpy a lot more than we used to, and thus fight more frequently). I can't say we're always successful, but the the following things work well enough for us:
1) If I start to get angry and he feels likely to close off, he'll say something to the effect of "let's take a break"
2) when we've taken 5 or 10 minutes to calm down, we relocate to a different site within the apartment, generally sitting near eachother.
3) we try to keep some kind of physical contact (like hold hands) while we start talking again. Beginning with some affectionate words helps diffuse things..
4) if all else fails, we do just walk away. There are fights nobody's going to win.
The whole thing might sound a little goofy, but we've found we stop sooner, and with fewer repercussions. YMMV, etc. Good luck!
posted by BundleOfHers at 9:12 AM on March 29, 2008

Oh, and one other thing- Like 90% of arguments in our house begin in the afternoon, when blood sugar is dipping low. If you haven't eaten recently, share a glass of orange juice before proceeding.
posted by BundleOfHers at 9:15 AM on March 29, 2008

No disrespect meant, but mano y mano, you sound like a very controlling person. Both your description of your "problem" as well as your tone have a manipulative sound. You must win the argument and feel that your girlfriend is somehow cheating you by not allowing you the satisfaction of a "win." "Winning" with people like you means not only that you have made your point, but also, somehow, diminished her (by way of her ideas) in the process.

Be careful, friend. You can do serious damage to a relationship and your girlfriend's self-worth by having to be "right" all of the time. And in truth, you might be "right" most of the time, but in the end, it doesn't matter. To her or to you either. This is how you can know for sure that what I am saying is correct: If your girlfriend left you citing that she felt you were too manipulative and controlling, would you say to yourself, "Well, she might have left me, but at least I was 'right.' At least I won most of my arguments using unwavering logic."? My guess is that you really love your girlfriend and would "lose" every debate you ever had with her just to have her back.

As far as controlling your anger, you might try any one of a million solutions, including counseling, faith-exploration, running, other outlets, etc...

Best of luck friend. But for the best results, you should take luck out of the equation. Make your goal to make your girlfriend happy, not to be right, and you will have a much more fulfilling life.
posted by boots77 at 3:55 PM on March 29, 2008

Follow-up from the OP

Thanks to all for the solid advice. Regarding phrontist's concern: "It's not a game, and while this may sound very Mr. Rogers, no one "wins" arguments. You should work on your anger because you care about her and yourself, not as part of an exchange for her to do some self improvement."

Very true. Working on my anger is definitely something I'm going to do regardless of this particular dynamic. Honest. That said, it would make me feel supported if I knew that my partner was recognizing some of the stuff that triggers the anger and was doing her best to sidestep it.

ferdydurke: My anger may or may not be able to be changed, but if nothing else, the way I display it certainly can be. See above; I'm trying hard to change my behavior while also talking to my girlfriend about some of the stuff that she does that feeds it. I'm MORE than happy to take the lead on this. Whatever it takes.

misha: I agree, the "laugh or grin" stuff is not going to help this particular situation.

26.2: You're right, my behavior does smack of bullying and that's not the guy I want to be. As I said, "I'm happy to keep chiseling away at my little mountain of anger and I look forward to learning how to better manage it." I don't want to rewire her personality. That's weird. That said, we've been talking about some of the stuff she does--classic argument no-no's such as items 3-5 here that frustrate me further.

To all: genuine thanks for your words. Composing this AskMe is the first action I've taken since identifying the problem, and I've pored over every word (and opened every link) written thus far. I'll pore over every word written after if there are some.

posted by jessamyn at 4:33 PM on March 29, 2008

Do you ever watch the HBO series In Treatment? Your question reminds me a little of the Jake and Amy (the Thursday couple)'s dynamic. The show basically works like therapy for everybody who watches it, so you might want to check it out. If you don't have HBO, you can check out this blog that details all the episodes and evaluates the goings-on from a therapist's perspective.
posted by mynameismandab at 7:27 PM on March 29, 2008

I'm the aggressive one and my gf shuts down. She comes from an extremely abusive relationship and her reaction to anger is automatically fear. It used to make me even more angry when she would leave the room when we were arguing. I was used to "duking it out" (figuratively, of course) but sadly enough she was used to being hit when she voiced an opposing view. That makes a difficult combo for us. We have learned slowly to meet in the middle. She tries not to flee when things get a little heated and I try to tone down the anger because it doesn't help the situation at all. I realize she's not seeking to piss me off and I can't place blame on her for that. Trite as it sounds, I'm in charge of me and I'm the only one that can keep my anger from escalating to unmanageable levels. Some therapy helped me too. You start to get inside your own head and you learn to reel yourself in when you start getting hot. Also, have you ever seen anyone fly off the handle? It looks so childish and futile. I try to keep that in mind too. Good luck.
posted by CwgrlUp at 7:35 PM on March 29, 2008