Guys, how do you know she appreciates you?

February 17, 2008 10:27 PM

When you do something extra-sweet, thoughtful, or generous for your girl... are you satisfied with her response? What do men need in order to know that their efforts are truly appreciated?

I'm female, 44. And after a life-long series of men who... were NOT sweet, thoughtful or generous, I finally got it right.

He's attentive. Caring. He... does things for me! From little things around the house to grand romantic gestures. Driving miles out of his way in the rain to jumpstart a dead battery. Cooking dinner. Leaving a rose on my pillow. In addition to loving him (duh), I'm so incredibly *grateful*.

Here's my question. Given my history with men, I'm not used to this type of behavior AT ALL and I feel inadequate in my responses. It's important to me that he knows how much I appreciate his efforts. How do I do that?

Although I mean it sincerely, "This is wonderful, thank you!!!" seems insufficient. Lame. Or is it?

Guys, have you ever planned something special, or gone 'above and beyond' and been... disappointed...in her response? Felt unappreciated? Why? What response are you looking for?

Before the chorus cries "SEX!" let me note that he gets whatever he wants, whenever he wants. So that's covered. :)

I reciprocate in other ways, too, doing loverly little things for him. But he's not comfortable with "mushy" displays and much prefers giving to receiving. Oh, and he's never seemed to feel unappreciated. But he's the quiet type and wouldn't say anything if he were.

Guys, give me some insight please. What should a girl do?

posted by anonymous to human relations (30 answers total)

I've always found that if you try too hard to be genuine, you are going to over-compensate and seem insincere. Say what you mean and say it with your eyes. And don't forget his efforts. Bring them up weeks or even months later and remind him how much something he did meant to you.
This is coming from a girl though, so YMMV.
posted by greta simone at 10:53 PM on February 17, 2008

What should a girl do?
Talk to her guy, instead of to strangers on the internet. He probably has a clearer idea of what he'd like than we do.

(that said, "thank you" is never a lame thing to say.)
posted by ook at 10:55 PM on February 17, 2008

Effusively thanking him for minor favours makes expressing gratitude for major favours difficult.

I reciprocate in other ways, too, doing loverly little things for him.
Sounds like you're doing fine.

Don't feel you have to reward him for every single little nice thing he does, or it will become a chore. For something like a gift of a rose: a hug, a discreet kiss, and thanking him (especially in front of his friends), is quite sufficient, or would be for me, and really isn't a "mushy display". For going out in the rain to jumpstart your battery: a nice dinner, or a DVD he likes, or something like that.

The other risk you face with effusive gratitude is projecting the attitude of not deserving occasional niceness. You do. Really. So does he.

Before the chorus cries "SEX!" let me note that he gets whatever he wants, whenever he wants. So that's covered. :)
So long as that's what you want too. Again, don't give the impression that you exist just for his benefit. Have sex because you want to, not out of a sense of obligation. Well, not only out of a sense of obligation. Obligation isn't a bad thing in itself, people do all kinds of things out of a sense of obligation, that they actually quite enjoy. But obligations not enjoyed can lead to resentment.

In summary, don't stress it so much. There's no point expressing gratitude to assholes, because nothing you do is going to help; on the other hand, a genuinely good man doesn't have much expectation of reward for what he does to please you, he's doing it because he wants to see you happy, and that's actually part of his reward.
posted by aeschenkarnos at 11:02 PM on February 17, 2008 [2 favorites]

I personally haven't yet read The Five Love Languages , but several people I respect on Mefi have recommended it.
posted by brujita at 11:09 PM on February 17, 2008

Although I mean it sincerely, "This is wonderful, thank you!!!" seems insufficient. Lame. Or is it?

"Thank you!" is quite sufficient. Mix it up occasionally with a silent "I love you so much" smile, and you'll do fine.
posted by Iridic at 11:12 PM on February 17, 2008

Talk to her guy, instead of to strangers on the internet. He probably has a clearer idea of what he'd like than we do.

While ook's response might come off as smart-alecky, I think it's very astute and highlights an almost cliched difference between us men and you women.

We WANT you to ask us. Just discuss it openly like rational adults. We don't expect you to "just know", far from it. We will not be offended if you don't rely on your intuition to magically figure it out. We think asking us is efficient and effective, not lazy and unromantic.
posted by randomstriker at 11:29 PM on February 17, 2008 [2 favorites]

Exactly what randomstriker said. Just ask him. And trust him to tell you the truth.
posted by phrontist at 11:40 PM on February 17, 2008

He wants you to feel good. Just tell him how good you feel.
posted by nicolin at 12:50 AM on February 18, 2008

You could ask him, but he may not be comfortable enough to honestly say what's on his mind. He's probably modest to the point that he'd insist that your thanks is all that's needed, and maybe it really is, or maybe he really does hope for something more. And for him to say the latter might make him feel selfish or demanding, when there's nothing wrong with it (well, to an extent).

On an average day when the two of you are just shooting the breeze, just tell him you appreciate the little things he does, that you really take it to heart, and how it's humbling for you, etc... Everything you told us. A comment like that would be out of the blue and unexpected (unlike thanking him after he does something, which, while a genuine act of gratitude, is more or less de rigueur). And he'll no doubt be pleasantly surprised to hear it. Then you can gently coax things and find out directly if he's content with the way your relationship is going, and if he thinks you've been reciprocative enough. Be open about things like that, because in the long run you'll both be glad you did, and neither of you will end up wondering about each other's motives.

As tempting as it is to do around here, you can't make neat generalizations about men or women or human beings. We all have our little intricacies that make us all unique. So when everyone says we can't answer on behalf of your guy, they're right, and all we can do is suggest ways for you to find out what his answer is. You both sound like you have a great thing going, though.
posted by TheSecretDecoderRing at 1:01 AM on February 18, 2008 [2 favorites]

This sounds like me. I absolutely know that she appreciates what I do. She tells me now and again, and I can tell she worries that I don't realize her appreciation, but I know. I've told her as much, but sometimes she doubts herself.

You've got to work out if he doesn't realize he's appreciated, or if you haven't picked up on the fact that he knows he's appreciated.
posted by seanyboy at 1:14 AM on February 18, 2008

And he may just be one of those guys who does things because he likes to make you happy.
Oh - And buy him some god-damned flowers already.
posted by seanyboy at 1:16 AM on February 18, 2008 [1 favorite]

With my girlfriend I usually get a different response for
- your everyday-nice-thing,
- those once-in-a-while gestures of super-lovey-doveyness.

With the first, I usually get a thank you, a little kiss, a smile, a hug.

With the second, usually the "omg! I love you!" with beaming smile and hard kisses, the noogies, the playful punch in the chest 'cause she couldn't believe it, etc.

I really like that stuff a lot and she makes it plain to me that I'm making her happy. She says so with words, and then she proves it with actions.

If your man makes you feel good, take it out on him, and just make him feel loved in return.

Have you considered saying something like, "you know, I really appreciate you so much," and punctuating it with a kiss?
posted by crunch buttsteak at 1:23 AM on February 18, 2008

'he's doing it because he wants to see you happy, and that's actually part of his reward'

That's it. You don't have to reciprocate, just say thanks and mean it. I've always found that these gifts or gestures are best served randomly and not as obligations owed. Some of the biggest buzzes in life have come from the doing of the something unexpected for a partner.
posted by peacay at 2:52 AM on February 18, 2008 [1 favorite]

He probably does it solely for the expression on your face, so smile.
posted by BrotherCaine at 3:55 AM on February 18, 2008

I think it's nice to bring it up again the next day, so that the person who did the extra nice thing for you doesn't have a reason to believe that it was quickly forgotten or was appreciated only in the moment.

My husband gets an unexpected kiss and a "dealing with that yesterday was heroic. You rock. Thanks." Not a big thing but enough to let him know I really took note of the effort or thought.
posted by DarlingBri at 3:58 AM on February 18, 2008 [1 favorite]

When my wife is telling me she's grateful for something I've done, it's in her voice. She doesn't have to do anything, I can already tell she's extremely pleased and happy from it.

So just be grateful. Throw in an "I'm so gonna do you tonight!" for fun, and it's probably all good.
posted by Brandon Blatcher at 4:59 AM on February 18, 2008

As a nice guy (yet still strangely single?) who does these sorts of things (answers middle of night phone calls, rescues broken down cars in the rain,etc), I think the responses here are pretty much right on target.

Mostly my motivation for doing nice things is simply because I enjoy the "reward" feeling of knowing I did something to make someone elses day better. At the end of the day, thats all I really need. However, it does feel good to get some kind of acknowledgment from the recipient. All it really needs to be is "short and sweet and genuine". (I like the way greta simone says: "Say what you mean and say it with your eyes.") If you really want to make sure he gets the point, do something small and thoughtful for him. An unexpected kiss/"i love you", his favorite snack or movie, just something small to let him know you appreciate him. Personally, even though a genuine "thank you" is nice to get immediately afterwards, I find it more enjoyable when I get a "thank you" out of the blue a few days to a week later. It lets me know that recipient truly remembers the event, and went out of their way to show appreciation back to me.

Of course, all of these things are effected by the type/level/intensity of relationship, so your mileage may vary.
posted by jmnugent at 5:08 AM on February 18, 2008

Another nice guy here. The best thank-you I've ever really gotten has been "x-small-gesture really made my day/morning/week."
posted by craven_morhead at 5:52 AM on February 18, 2008

Are you ever alone around his friends? Mention to them how much you appreciate these gestures of his. When word gets back to him (which it will, though it won't be immediate), he'll have a secondary source that backs up your daily affirmation that you appreciate him. He won't say anything about it, but he will glow inside.

PLEASE NOTE: When praising him to his friends, be careful not to focus overly much on how "sweet" he is; "sweet" is good, but subtle hints that he's also secretly a total badass will help balance out the "mushy" feel that he resists.
posted by Greg Nog at 5:54 AM on February 18, 2008

I've said it before, but it bears repeating:

6-pack of beer = man flowers
posted by Wild_Eep at 6:01 AM on February 18, 2008 [3 favorites]

A simple "Thank you" or "That made my day", said with a glint of genuine happiness behind it, has been all I've ever wanted or needed in return.
posted by mjgrady at 6:10 AM on February 18, 2008

Most of the manly men I know are perfectly happy with an "aww, thanks sweetie!", and maybe the occasional brief shoulder rub or something similar. We don't, as a general rule, do things on a points system.
posted by TomMelee at 6:29 AM on February 18, 2008 [1 favorite]

I like the answers here. I would add that I think it is good to once in a while -- maybe once a month, maybe twice a year, whatever works for you -- take the time to tell him how much you appreciate all the things he does for you. Not to just thank him each time for the individual nice things, but to thank him once in a while for the pattern of nice things that he does. Your remembering this, and remembering to notice that it is a pattern -- part of "who he is" -- will, I think, mean a lot to him.

Some guys like love letters, some like being taken out for a fancy dinner, some want a six-pack or approval to take an evening out with their guy friends. You know him, we don't, but just make sure that you are treating him at least as nice as you say he treats you in terms of what he actually enjoys and wants.
posted by Forktine at 7:09 AM on February 18, 2008 [1 favorite]

It's a pet theory of mine that people express love the way they want to be loved themselves.

That doesn't necessarily mean he wants a rose on his pillow. It does suggest that tangible things — a helping hand when he needs it, a little gesture out of the blue — will mean more to him than, say, words or sex or food.
posted by nebulawindphone at 7:39 AM on February 18, 2008 [1 favorite]

"Thank you, you are wonderful!" *hugs* *kisses*.
posted by Silvertree at 7:56 AM on February 18, 2008

Crazy ass sex!

Seriously, some guys don't need a huge production in return. The key is making him feel good in the way he likes to feel good. It could be rubbing his hair while you watch TV, making him a special dinner that he really likes, wearing sexy clothes (inside or outside) that makes him feel like he's won the lottery.

Every guy is very different in what resonates with him and often, if asked pointed blank, he either can't think of anything or isn't really sure how to ask for what he wants.

So it's going to take some experimentation and subtle detective work on your part to figure out what resonates with him. Do that well this guy will be your Prince Charming forever!
posted by bprater at 8:57 AM on February 18, 2008

6-pack of beer = man flowers

You know, some guys actually like flowers, too. Just sayin'.

While I am not effusive about everything my guy does, I do take a moment from time to time to tell him that I appreciate him and the nice things he does for me. I feel like it's more genuine than constantly exclaiming "THANK YOU, HONEY!"
posted by cabingirl at 10:40 AM on February 18, 2008

It's sorta been said already, but I'll say it again: you've noticed that these nice things are part of a pattern, part of who he is. Instead of worrying about an appropriate response for every act of kindness, think about ways to show him that you recognize the pattern. Not necessarily big things... but praise his character, not his actions, I guess. That kind of validation is one of the most meaningful things you can give in a relationship (he probably doesn't NEED the validation, but it'll be nice to hear, coming from the girl he loves).
posted by Chris4d at 12:13 PM on February 18, 2008

Sounds like you're fine already.
posted by Phanx at 2:25 PM on February 18, 2008

"you are very good to me, thank you" seems to work.
posted by meeshell at 3:51 PM on February 18, 2008